An Open Letter

I'm only writing this because I removed the link from my bio for a bit, and so I don't think anyone will see it. At least not in time. After some weeks this will just be another cringy vulnerable moment notarized online. One of many.

I'm sitting on my bathroom floor with the lights off listening to music trying to cry. But instead I write this here. I just want to be loved. Not even romantically, I just want to take up space. Is that too much to ask? I want to have weight, and to not be just cast aside. I want to have a place in someone's mind, to be worth something. God I want to be remembered, I want people to want to be around me. I want people to want me there. I pray it's just a cruel trick of my mind, but I constantly just feel like the people I care about the most don't see me the same. I wish S asked me to play once in a while. I want to be someone that could be there. I wish T also asked, same with L. I'm always the one who reaches out. I wish M said nice things to me once in a while, and put in effort to hang out. I face so much rejection so often by being the one to take the steps and effort to exist. It seems automatic to others. I just want to exist man. I want to exist, I exist, I exist. I think I'm a good person to be around, I like who I am. Why doesn't it feel like others see me the same? Like I'm good when I'm there, but I can drift into the background and off the picture and that's fine. I can disappear so quietly it's terrifying. I want to take up space. I want something to be missing when I'm not there. I want me to be missing. I want people to care for me, not just when I'm begging right in their face. God I want and I want and I want.