Yeah I know I should do this.

Situation – S is taking time out of midterm week to go across the country with a relatively new friend for their birthday.

Thoughts – I wish someone did something similar for my birthday. I think it would mean the world to me and I would cherish the thought forever if something similar happened to me. This kinda feels like a reminder of what’s about to come and how miserable I will be on my birthday again.

Feelings – Honestly, I just feel like crying. I feel like a younger me sitting on that bathroom floor crying since what else was I supposed to do.

Behavior – It gets worse, and the pull starts to creep in.

Thoughts – Realistically it’s not like she planned this for the other person, and it could just essentially be an excuse for a fun trip with new friends. This is important because it points out how this isn’t like the status quo for a birthday or anything like that. And regardless I am the one in control of my days, and so I can plan something nice for my birthday for myself that doesn’t have to include others.

Feelings – I still feel like I’m mourning my childhood, but at least I’m not there anymore. I also don’t really care about S since I can at least separate that information from what depression wants to leverage against me.

Behavior – Yeah this time of year will still suck, but at least this is one less piece of pain alleviated.