A digital journal
Turns out I’m getting the meta glasses lol. Since I’m changing from FSA to HSA, all $600 is being burnt and so today I went on a crazy spending spree. I got so many cute little gifts for E with them. Today’s our 3 month anniversary!
E and J got me a christmas tree. I am genuinely speechless. The only thing that comes to my mind is I cannot wait to marry this girl (E).
I’m so incredibly fortunate to have the financial privilege to get a 0% mortgage from my dad to buy a house. I think about how A talked about how nepotism is the goal of being a parent in some way, because it’s essentially setting your kids up for the best shot at life from the lens of the “game” I guess. I do think about how I’ve been set up for generational wealth in a way, and how hard my parents must have worked to give me this opportunity. I know that I’ve also worked really hard for this, but absolutely a lot of people didn’t get this shot in the first place.
It’s kind of weird how catching up on sleep makes such a massive difference on my emotional well-being. Same with exercise. I feel much better today, and I understand that circumstances have changed since then still is really surprising how drastic change that is. This is really weird thing to talk about, but I kind of thought today about why I want a relationship or love in the first place, not because I don’t feel it, but mostly just because I guess I’m not fully sure how to put it into words about why I want it. I think essentially what it boiled down to for me is it doesn’t have to be something magical where someone’s suddenly something that gives you like a purpose in life or anything like that, but I think it’s like an incredibly close friend that you have a lot of proximity with and you can build a shared amount of trust and reliability from and I don’t really think there’s someone better than E in that sense. Sometimes I do get a little bit worried about some minor things, like at certain points I think she is much more comfortable being “weird”, and I think that’s something that isn’t a bad thing, just is something different than what I’m used to. I love her so much, and I honestly get very surprised when I think about what it might be like with her in the future.
E and I had an issue again about therapy, and how she forgot about why it was important in the first place, and how she had not put in effort for it. It hurt a lot because early on in our relationship, she did something really bad that hurt my trust a lot, and we almost broke up over it. We agreed that if she went to therapy, then I would feel comfortable and could trust her again. It’s been almost 3 months, and it hasn’t been a good look. It honestly hurt a lot, and also the way that she handled it. I broke down crying for almost an hour. She also talked with her mom about it, and explained only the fact that I wanted her to get therapy, and not why, or explaining the “problems” that we had. Not the fact that she did something super fucked up and that would have been normally grounds for breaking up, and how this was something we both agreed upon as a way to show that things like that wouldn’t happen again. I feel this horrible pit in my chest, and it threatens to constrict me fully. It’s such a powerless position to be in to see a situation be represented so one-sided to a very biased jury, and to be helpeless other than to just watch.
I miss E a lot. I get scared with how much I’m attached to her, and how much she matters to me. I worry that this amount of love and care is going to hurt me in the future, but I hope that she is the one, because I think that loving someone should have this much of a stake in it.
I just watched the first three with E, and it hurts to see her through the screen and not be able to hug her. I miss her so much, I’ve thought a lot about marrying her and I can’t wait until all the things are done so I can genuinely do it.
I’m honestly pretty shittily depressed right now. I don’t want to sleep but I’m so exhausted and my brain is miserable.
I’d rather not rush into it, and always have them wonder if I accepted it. I’d rather face it, and then decide yes so they know I mean it.
I dropped off E at the airport, and I cried a hefty amount before she left. I know that she is not gone or anything like that, it’s just a temporary long distance. We game all the time so I know it’s not going to be a huge problem, but I do miss her.