An Open Letter

Couldn’t sleep last night, hurting. Went on walk and felt better. Now sleep.

I honestly wanna just throw stuff across my room, which is so strange because that is nothing like me. I just kept hitting my legs and screamed along to Great Lakes on my drive over to pick E up. I started to feel better playing with T, but then I saw E got messages from M, and I got nothing. She’s your fucking friend and I’m just a piece of trash to be discarded to the side at will. I’m just the boyfriend that doesn’t exist when E is not choosing for me to. It feels fucking shitty because I know how much being excluded sucks, and I put an e

E doesn’t want me to be too close to M, because they don’t want to feel excluded. They’re at no risk of that. At most they just don’t get certain brainrot that M and I share, but that’s not even like a huge part of my humor honestly. But so they don’t want me to really be close friends with them I guess. But also they want to go on double dates and for us to play and shit like that. And they fucking hang out after classes, shes in her room and they talk about shit and they kinda leave me out, she texts E and not me sometimes, and they ahve their classes and fucking all of that. And so I get fucking left out, and to make it worse, I’ve told E about how that shit hurts me and she still goes and fucking does that shit. I don’t know what the fuck is going on with the thing we care about, and instead they go and do shit without me knowing which is whatever, but at least let me fucking interact with M without having to second guess every action. And on top of it, E sent a message after I told her how I felt bad about how “WOAH YOU WANT TO HEAR THIS HOLY SHIT YOU WISH YOU KNEW WHAT HAPPENED” and then goes missing. After I told her I felt left out. Fuck. And in response to me saying that “wow that actually hurt me, we talked about this” they sent a rolling laughing emoji. And went “HAHAHAH”. Fuck off. And the worst part is I can’t even tell her that I feel bad about any of it because she’s just going to be filled with guilt and then I have to go and comfort her. God I just want my feelings to be validated, and for her to listen and actually LISTEN. Like I told her earlier, and she immediately went and a few hours later herself fucking did that shit. Like I know she doesn’t mean to do anything hurtful but fuck man that shit hurts me. And then who am I supposed to talk to about it?

It sucks because she is excited about having a friend and felt bad about being excluded a bit because of me and M making similar jokes. Got to go.

I hit diamond in all roles today, and I felt like I couldn’t tell others about it. So I played guitar for the first time in a while and just blasted that shit until I felt better. I’m overwhelmed today, and I feel sad because I work 9-5, work out or do hobbies, and then it’s 8 pm by the time I get to relax. And I miss being able to just spend time with people like I could in college. I miss a lot of stuff, and I’m holding nostalgia with caution.

Today we had a “double date” with E, M, and T. It was pretty silly, we got food and then went to 99 ranch (an asian grocery store) and both E and M sat in the carts. We kinda just fucked around the whole time, and afterward E said “this feels like the high school group of friends I didn’t get to have”, and that really struck me. It feels like I got to redeem a part of me.

I think I learned from my breakup with A that having friends and social connections in place makes breakups much easier, as compared to T. So far I’ve been having such an amazing time with E, and I do feel like this is a lasting relationship. But also I think there has to be some level of responsibility of preparing for a potential worst case, where I neglect other friendships or relationships and then if something happens I’m struggling alone to rebuild stuff.

Whether it’s healthy or not is a different question, but I spent the last three days with E. I really love her. I think it’s shocking how secure she is, especially because she hasn’t had consistent therapy like I have. But at the same time she is Planning on joining therapy again and it feels like it is only going to make a good thing even better. I honestly feel like I would be happy spending the rest of my life with her. Is it weird for me to say that so early? I obviously know that only time will tell and I still have that healthy apprehension because we haven’t hit the 3/6/9 month mark. But I’m optimistic.

I’m a little bit in my head today. E felt bad after freaky time because she didn’t understand how to push my buttons the same way I could for her. We talked about it, but a little seed was planted in my head that seems to have a bit of root to it. I realized I felt like I hear judgment whenever I open up or talk about my weirder side of stuff. It sucks because whenever she has weird stuff, I consciously make sure she doesn’t feel judged or weird for it, and I am excited to help her indulge in it. But for me, whenever I talk about stuff, it feels like she has to think about if she is even ok with the thought of it, and it feels like it’s a concession she has to make, rather than something she’s excited to explore with me. And that feeling sucks. I’d like to feel comfortable being myself, and not like I have to repress parts of me because I’m afraid of seeing her judgment. In a perfect world, I’d love it if she were excited to try things out with me. It’s a bit conflicted in my mind because she both says that she wishes she knew how to push my buttons more, but when I tell her, I’m met with the human equivalent of :/ it feels like. I don’t know what to do about this either, because what can I do? Do I just have to tell her to blindly feign interest? If she’s not enthusiastically consenting to it, then what can I do?

I’m not used to this around others. I’m afraid she doesn’t like me the way I like her and that’s so false. She got me a boo box, and it made me almost cry. Actually who am I kidding I fully was sobbing. I know she loves me. Be more secure man.

We played some games of league, and the first two games I was adc and she was support. Both games I made a lot more mistakes than normal, but I still played really well but we still lost. She messaged a friend saying how we were getting shit on, and it felt almost a bit personal where I needed to stomp to show that I was good. But I get that that’s an irrational thought, since she’s not concerned about that. But so the next game I go and do 10cs per minute, a kill a minute, and hard stomp the game as Irelia. Perfect 10 on OP.GG. But she’s playing jungle, and she’s in her head thinking she’s playing poorly. She makes some mechanical mistakes and takes it seriously. I just thought about how the feeling goes from her to me or vice versa.