E and I had an issue again about therapy, and how she forgot about why it was important in the first place, and how she had not put in effort for it. It hurt a lot because early on in our relationship, she did something really bad that hurt my trust a lot, and we almost broke up over it. We agreed that if she went to therapy, then I would feel comfortable and could trust her again. It’s been almost 3 months, and it hasn’t been a good look. It honestly hurt a lot, and also the way that she handled it. I broke down crying for almost an hour. She also talked with her mom about it, and explained only the fact that I wanted her to get therapy, and not why, or explaining the “problems” that we had. Not the fact that she did something super fucked up and that would have been normally grounds for breaking up, and how this was something we both agreed upon as a way to show that things like that wouldn’t happen again. I feel this horrible pit in my chest, and it threatens to constrict me fully. It’s such a powerless position to be in to see a situation be represented so one-sided to a very biased jury, and to be helpeless other than to just watch.
I miss E a lot. I get scared with how much I’m attached to her, and how much she matters to me. I worry that this amount of love and care is going to hurt me in the future, but I hope that she is the one, because I think that loving someone should have this much of a stake in it.
I just watched the first three with E, and it hurts to see her through the screen and not be able to hug her. I miss her so much, I’ve thought a lot about marrying her and I can’t wait until all the things are done so I can genuinely do it.
I dropped off E at the airport, and I cried a hefty amount before she left. I know that she is not gone or anything like that, it’s just a temporary long distance. We game all the time so I know it’s not going to be a huge problem, but I do miss her.
Last night I was so exhausted I gave up on journaling or gratitude. It’s going to hurt with E gone for so long. I try not to think about it but I’m afraid.
I’m right now walking Hash, And I just have this Vague feeling about how I’m unhappy with my current life state. But I really want to remind myself that there aren’t necessarily big reasons to feel this way other than just the fact that this is what I’m used to in my comfortable state in my mind. But I also do have a lot of choice on perspective, if I choose to focus on the things where I feel good about my life then I will feel that way.