Yesterday during my second phase of interviews I quickly googled if I could take two of my beta blockers, for my anxiety – and with my specific medication they highly warned against it for risk of death. I saw a line saying that medication was one of the most at risk for suicidal people, due to that danger. I have bottle after bottle of it, as I keep getting the prescription and it builds up.
I never had courage and I'm thankful for that I think. I think it was venlafaxine I kept swallowing that day in the closet trying to kill myself before my dad found me. I remember him crying. I'm happy I at least remember that rather than not being aware of it, or anything for that matter.
I think about the experiences I've had and how I cannot be alone in them, but yet here I am. I've been somewhat haunted by the thought of no one being there at my graduation. Like there will most likely be my parents, my girlfriend, and then no other close friends. I've almost romanticized this idea by now, on how I've proven that humans don't need social connection, by living with so little of it. I know I'm delusional in saying that, but I guess I want some way to cope and quantify the way I'm feeling. I think I would be a good friend, at least I hope I would be; but I find myself in this spot again and I can't help but feel like this is simply what I'm doomed to. Maybe things would have been different if I was adopted by someone like V, but instead I've been here, where I lay.
I have such a deep-seated bitterness in my chest every time I see brotherhood, or friends or shit like that on TikTok, since that's something I've so violently longed for. I see racist towns in the south and I get jealous because of their sense of community. It's not my fault I grew up with no one but online people because my parents refused to let me socialize, let alone do their job and help me with that. And so here I lay.
It feels like the end. And then what will I feel once that passes? Will that feeling just hang in the air, like a never ending promise that the conclusion is right there in front of me? Or will I feel ok, until this feeling comes back. I don't man that last sentence in a depressing manner, but rather as an inevitability. Either things change, or they end. It will never stay the same forever. Am I just supposed to be kind to myself until this passes? Will it pass? It threatens to consume me whole. I feel so fundamentally incompatible with this world as a whole. I just don't fit into this life I picture is normal no matter how I try to shape myself. But I know that I'm not alone in this feeling. There's two sides to this coin and it feels like they both don't matter. No point obsessing about flipping wrong when it's irrelevant. I think I'll be kind to myself until I'm better.
I think the interviews went well. I’m really hoping that it works out and I get the job. I offered to pick up A later at night, and I stopped what I was doing and went drove over to drive her home, and I had two songs that I had added to my spotify that I was really liking. She skipped both of them, and honestly it kinda did rub me pretty wrong. I guess I haven’t really gotten over that fear and issue from highschool of showing other people my music, and I’m starting to not feel comfortable playing my music in the car with her since I don’t think she likes any of it. Or at least I don’t know. It just made me feel pretty sad. She also got kinda upset at me for not remembering a detail about one of her past jobs, which was a fairly minor thing and I’m also pretty certain she described in the past as a different job title. I just don’t like it.
Tomorrow is the rest of my interviews, and I’m praying to god they go well. Regardless I’ve learned a lot in this self-study period, but I would love to be out of the rat-race of searching for a job. I’m excited. I’m excited. I’ve said it enough times it feels true.
Today (after I sleep) is the first round of interviews, and I don’t know at all what to expect. I’m incredibly nervous and hopeful. This will go well. This will.
I feel at least a bit better today if anything. I studied a lot, and I finished the chapter on ML. Thankfully I have seen this material before, and so not much was new, as compared to probability/stats. In studying, I re-ran through the interview question I had in the first round, and I realized how clueless I was in my answer. I did have some good intuition things going for me, but I ended up with something that was completely uninformed. Now at least I learned one thing more and a general framework of answering those types of questions, and given the fact that I got to this stage with that answer (my recruiter said don’t stress, if you already got to this stage that means you’re doing well) means that I will only do better with this new prep. I think more than everything else, my natural curiosity and passion will hopefully carry me past the lack of experience I currently have. Thankfully I don’t have to fake that and it’s genuine so that’s a MASSIVE thing in my favor. But also showing how I learned so much since the last interview is something that reflects really well on me. I want to prepare a bit more tomorrow and also make sure that I have at least a basic preparation of my history and behavioral questions / questions to ask ready to go. I’m excited! And terrified. But let’s focus on excited!
For better or worse here I am writing something meaningful again. I know the needle swings, and I’ve been horribly busy recently but I’ve realized how weirdly disconnected I am. A lot of my socialization is done through A, which I realize is inherently a bit dangerous. But I don’t really have much time to be able to socialize much and so I sit here in this constant state of strain. I feel pretty fucking sad because I feel unseen. I feel like if I was less than who I am it wouldn’t matter, at least in the grand scheme of things. It doesn’t really matter what I do, how I feel, or what goes on in my life since it’s not being perceived by others. Or some stupid shit like that. I don’t think that thought’s fully accurate since it doesn’t feel like a fit in my heart, saying it out loud. Or writing it down. Or typing I guess. I wanted to write “how contrived” but I don’t even really know what that word means, and googling it feels a little bit disingenuous. I’ve had a lot of frustration recently and I don’t like how it’s shaken itself out. I get upset at things and then it just builds up this pressure that looks for any outlet to blame. I’ve felt this shortcoming the most whenever I’m struggling, which has been a decent amount recently. When I try to reach to A for support it always ends up backfiring and it’s a learning experience for them. At least I hope. However in return it just hurts me when I’m already hurting and since I’ve kinda neglected my support network because of how busy I’ve been, I have not many other places to turn. I’m fine with this, for better or worse. I’m pretty good at handling things without others, or at least with the resources available to me – like this blog for example. I take some solace in the fact that I don’t think people keep up with this anymore, so I guess that’s a benefit of all of the daily “sentence” shit I’ve been posting just to keep with the habit. I am glad I’ve done that. Today I picked up my guitars for the first time in a while, and I’m incredibly happy I did. I ended up playing Freefall for a while, and I really think I needed that. One line struck me in a new way today:
”Anyway, you say you're too busy saving everybody else to save yourself
And you don't want no help, oh well”
That's the story to tell”
This has kinda been how it’s felt for a while now. With A I know t they’re struggling with a lot of things in life, for valid reason – but as a consequence they don’t really have much space for other things it feels like. Or maybe they just naturally good at the things that I feel like I need. But as a result I feel like I just can’t express myself around them, since I have to filter every single emotion and thought through the lens of predicting what their reaction would be to it. And it’s horribly exhausting. I feel like I’m doing a tree search like a chess engine with a huge depth every time I interact with them in one of these contexts, and I just can’t really sustain that right now. I feel like they’ve been just speaking with me through a surface level interface of my default depressed voice mail. How am I supposed to connect with them or anything like that when I feel so fucking shit. I’m so afraid of thinking or saying how I feel even HERE. I feel suffocated because I can’t just feel what I feel, since I’m so afraid of them making there be consequences to things where there shouldn’t be. Like fuck. Every time I try to scratch the surface I get held underwater until I can’t take it anymore, and I just accept the fact that my boat is taking on water. I don’t know. I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I’ll try on this thought just to see how it goes.
R drhs R xlfow tvg rm nb xzi zmw qfhg slow gsv zxxvovizgli wldm fmgro R srg gszg vhxzkv evolxrgb, zmw gsvm qfhg srg hlnvgsrmt zmw gsvm ortsgh lfg. Nzbyv vevm tl luu z xoruu, zmw vckvirvmxv hlnvgsrmt xlnkovgvob mvd uli gsv ozhg grnv.
That was a pretty poetically tragic last line. What’s the point of something new for the last time. Or anything else for that matter. I made my 1K club goal, and so I think it’s fair that I’m able to consider the thought. I was hoping it didn’t sit, and it didn’t thankfully. But it felt painfully comforting. That’s fucking horrifying. I just want to cry and maybe I’m spoiled by mainly relying on my therapist, who is incredible at speaking about my issues. The perks of paying a professional. God I long for someone to see me for who I am. Where I don’t feel like my natural pattern ends up shifting into someone who isn’t me. I know that’s on me, but fuck I wish it was easier. I know that A is insecure about academic strength, but what am I supposed to do about it? This is who I am, or at least who was bred by the shit childhood in all other aspects. I think about how my sister wrote in her gate blurb how she was “unapologetically smart”. I loved that, but I think I’ve been apologetically so. I know that I’ve lost the ‘competition’ and so I don’t have my ego tied to it, and that’s been helpful, but I don’t think for A they can understand that. As a result I feel like I can’t even share anything beautiful or cool I find since they have that fear of being hurt nestled in nothing. Everything looks like a trojan horse. That hurts me.
And it kinda broke my heart. I realized how I don’t really have people I can share the things I’m so excited about, like there were two problems from the section on probability I was studying – what’s the probability that given three random points on a circle they create a triangle that contains the center, and also if you have r red balls and w white balls, and you keep removing balls from the bag until only one color remains, what’s the probability you remove all the white balls first. Also some others, but they had some BEAUTIFUL simple solutions, and I was so excited that I figured them out, and I had no one who I think would find that interesting. It makes me sad.