An Open Letter

I got a callback for onsite for Apple!!!! My wishes have been unfortunately answered as this means its back to cram time for this up to 7 hours of interviews coming up next week. I hope it goes well.

I guess my feelings were distilled down into a few neat bins. One was the feeling of putting a stencil of other people’s common problems over mine – of how someone wanted to do things with someone else rather than me, but I’m not sure how much that applies here. It still does drag at my chest a little bit more than I’d like. Another is I guess just the overall impression of their experiences and choices, and how I tie into that history. I feel like there are some red flags staring at me in the face that I somewhat choose to ignore, but I’m feeling a slight red tint from the corners of my vision that scares me.

I’ve realized how little I’ve written here recently, and I think it’s because I’ve just been in a weird stasis in life. I’ve been so stressed I’ve had no time to think about my life overall, and so I’ve been just getting to the next immediate fire.

While recovering I feel like I’ve been burning time on the day to try to just get through it as fast as possible. I’m not too happy with this if I’m honest, I feel like I’m going to get depressed pretty quick like this. I haven’t heard back from my interviews and so that pressure has let off a bit which is kinda bad since I’m not studying right now for future ones.

I am in the recovery room right now, I effectively feel like I have been high out of my mind, it is the equivalent to being super duper high

Let me write before forget

You smell something slightly weird, you have oxygen in nose and IV in hand

They swap oxygen for anaesthetic agent, and then you basically mentally keep getting the conscious decision to fall asleep. I decided to immediately do that because I thought it would be best for my anxiety. Then out.

I know time has passed not sure how long, but I woke up in the chair

I’m kinda nervous, and I’m almost in a state of not thinking about it because it’s scary. Time for my first surgery tomorrow, and also the consequences of it aftewards.

Clutched up like CRAZY and started and finished my slides in about 5 hours, it is now 2 AM the day before my presentation. Lmao what bad foreplanning. I am however very confident in my material and I’m actually excited!

I have to wake up tomorrow at 8am, and I ended up staying up finishing up grading since I was working on my reinforcement learning project for rocket league. I’m worried for the incoming stress.

I haven’t heard from any companies for a bit, and I haven’t gotten information about my next round of interviews if I get them. I haven’t really studied for interviews in a few days, and I know that I should but I’m catching up on homework and also just spending time with A. I hope it all works out.

Hash turned five today. I'm just thankful I have him.