I remember from talking with M how I realized that there were different sets of social rules. He was the only person to tell me that what happened with A was normal, and furthermore, I was the one in the wrong. He turned out to be a WAYY more toxic guy than I thought, but he did have the insights and perspectives from someone in hookup culture that I (and the friends I had asked) did not have. I learned that a lot of the things he said were at least founded in experience for him, and I understood where the things he was saying were coming from; during this I also got pushed farther across the isle from him since I realized how that was not a life I wanted, nor was something I thought was responsible.
This came back last night, when I was reading up on things that led to a page on hookup culture and its norms. Even in the media-friendly article I was reading, the cracks shone through on a full culture that feels like a very slippery route to unhappiness. I talked with my therapist about this more, because putting this into perspective, along with other things that A told me. Obviously, I want to protect her privacy in what she has told me, so I do have to censor myself here a bit compared to just my unfiltered stream of consciousness. I realized I think that A was part of that hookup culture, and furthermore, has gone back to it. I remember during our conversation after a break, when things were heated, she told me how she knew more about hookup culture, and I guess that is the explicit confirmation tied into all the other supporting pieces of evidence. But I also remember how she didn’t want to be a part of it, and how it already started to hurt her, along with the other signs of her wanting to leave that culture. It has made me disgusted, angry, and sad (all at different times), thinking about how she went back to it. Right now, I mostly just feel sad. In therapy today, I was asking her how to understand why someone falls into this cycle, since I was feeling disgust and judgment towards her when I thought about it. After talking a little bit more, I guess those feelings have now turned into this sadness. She talked about how generally it comes as a form of addiction, where someone has some trauma or bad view on relationships or love, and how that ends up leading to this cycle of chasing that feeling, almost like a drug. The leadup to sex and intimacy gives that temporary escape, and also fills that niche – or at least promises to. And then after the act, the hormones go away, and all that’s left is the realization of how this didn’t satisfy those needs for connection or love or anything else like that. And then the regret and shame kick in, until the body gets low enough that it wants its next hit, and the cycle continues.
I guess I’m grateful that I have my issues with sex and anhedonia in a way, because that fall afterwards was steep enough for me to not want to hook up or things like that for a long time. And also, I’m very thankful that I’m in a position in life where I am more or less content – there is no massive hole that I need to fill or some niche that is drastically unmet, bleeding me dry. I then feel bad for A. I know they mentioned how they wanted not to do that kind of stuff, since they understood how it made them feel. And then after we broke up, it happened again, and that’s likely why she reached back out to me afterwards. I think a big consequence of hookup culture is that you cheapen the act of sex, and you remove almost all of the emotional intimacy and connection in return for convenience and accessibility. When A did stuff with the first person, I’d bet that there was a big falloff in expectation going from a committed, caring relationship to a one-night stand. I understand why then at 2 in the morning she wanted to reconnect with me. I also understand why she was so emphasized on “there is a right way to do this”, and how she wanted that emotional intimacy and connection. I guess I still don’t fully understand how she could rationally decide to have her cake (me) by being emotionally intimate and talking about how we wouldn’t see others, but then also eating her cake (inviting and having sex with old FWB without telling me, and then lying about it). I guess I haven’t fully healed past this yet, because thinking about the situation again hurts. Thinking about it more and more leads to those same thoughts of inadequacy. I think a lot of these anxieties come up because I don’t have some other reasonable guess on what she was thinking, and so my anxiety comes up with the worst possible case to try to convince me. This sounds like it would be a great situation for CBT.
Situation – A told me she wanted to be exclusive, and we had set understandings on communication and boundaries. She also had invited a past FWB to her apartment to stay with her, and then initiated sex with them, and lied about it later to me.
Thoughts – I was not enough for her, and she did not respect me or my feelings enough to not do this, or to ask me about it.
Feelings – I feel worthless, and I feel like an idiot for trusting someone I cared about so much. I feel like I am inadequate, and at the end of the day, my only value is the care and emotional support I provide.
Behavior – My self-worth and self-esteem crater. I also second-guess myself in all future relationships.
Thoughts – Ok, I want to really try to put myself in her shoes. I can see the impulsive urge to reconnect with me to be able to still have sex in a way that is special and meaningful, rather than random hookups. Likely, this was because of the bad experience with that one-night stand. I think the needle swung too hard for her, and that was why she was so insistent on being exclusive and trusting with each other. But I also know that she is irresponsible and is struggling with things in her life, and copes in very unhealthy ways. I can see her telling herself that this was just them staying over, and nothing that would be cheating. And then I can imagine during that night her libido makes her horny, and she initiates with the guy and doens’t have the control over herself to think through the consequences of that action rationally. I think this was also facilitated by the person not being a bad person like the last person, but rather someone she had a rapport with. I then can imagine the shame afterwards, of the same cycle of addiction. I can understand why she wouldn’t want to tell me about it, since it’s a lapse of judgment, and if she could go back, she wouldn’t have done it. I believe she also told me that she wouldn’t have done it if she could take it back. All of these lines up with the image of her that I have come to understand, which is someone struggling with several big stressors in life, along with no source of stability or peace. Additionally, substance use and addiction do not help. I can see that none of this thought process involves me or my self-worth, or is any commentary on me as a person. If nothing else, I was the one she did not regret. I can tell that she selfishly regrets losing me from this lapse, and that means that I was something of value.
Feelings – I feel only the echoes of sadness and insecurity. I’m still sad that I was the one caught up in her mistakes and the one who also gets harmed from it, but I understand that this wasn’t an attack on me or my self-worth at all. I feel sympathy for myself for the nights I couldn’t sleep, or the countless hours spent trying to cope and deal with the new anxieties and insecurities. But I know that I am still who I am. And I know that I have worked very hard to be what I think a good partner should be.
Behavior – I don’t have this scar dig into me for the rest of my life. I understand that it was not a reflection of me.
This is not what I expected to write, but I’m glad I did.