I think I need to have some self-respect. It's insane that I'm losing sleep over this, it's and now I just keep thinking about all of the instances of her just blatantly disrespecting me. I think I was an incredibly great partner, and even afterwards I've been exceptionally good to her. If she wants to take that for granted that's on me continuing to be good to her. Have a fucking backbone. In no way shape or form do I need her, but I am hoping that the uncertainty I have in her is optimistic. At the same time I need to remind myself even though it kind of sucks, if she doesn't treat me similarly, there's no reason for me to do it to her. And then if I don't want to stoop to that, then I can just call it off whenever I want. I think about how M I was giving his toxic masculine perspective, and I kind of understand why people like him say not to trust people. I don't agree with it, but I think it comes from a place of being hurt or lied to and falling for it, and then deciding to keep walls up to prevent that pain of trust again. I do think that it's a necessary risk however, and it's worth it to trust and be hurt, and trust again.
I asked A for advice, and she was happy to give it to me, and I got to know her more yesterday. She is very similar to me in a lot of ways that I value a lot, since it’s kinda rare. She again talked with me today which I’m super grateful for, since I know that it can NOT be fun to have to tell someone that they’re being a dumbass in a nice way continuously. But I think we have become closer as a result of that; she reached out and asked me if I had played Marvel Rivals. I feel like a lot of my closest relationships have come from times of struggling where I’ve reached out to them, and as a result, I've broken past a lot of those barriers of intimacy with friends. This reminded me of the Nova effect, where so many times, bad things lead to good things. And good things lead to bad things. I think it’s important to really appreciate the good parts when they happen, and be conscious of the decisions that led there. Even the bad things that led there.
Tomorrow morning is my first and only real MS exam (which I’m SUPER grateful for). I’m struggling to focus and study because each time I have idle thoughts, they end up going in the direction of A and what happened, and my own insecurities about it. My therapist explained really well how to handle this. I need to remind myself that my mind is not perfect, and also how it is essentially doing its best to torture me, however it can. And so I try not to think about it right now. It kinda feels like I’m running away from thinking about something which goes against my view on life, but I understand that feeding into these thoughts will just make it worse. It sucks because recently I realized I wanted to dopamine detox more, and that came in the form of allowing myself to be bored more. With little pockets of time, instead of pulling up TikTok or my phone, just sitting and being bored. Today, I finally did the dishes since I was waiting for my food to heat up, and I wasn’t using my phone. In the shower also I paused my music and set a 5-minute timer to meditate for the first time in forever, and I just sat on the floor and did my best to let my thoughts flow away like a leaf in a stream. I found myself at so much peace, and I just enjoyed being in bliss feeling the warm water and being in the moment – until I realize I have started thinking again and then its pulling myself back into just the moment, and nothing else. I should do that more. It’s weird how long 5 minutes can become when I’m not stimulated.
I talked with A and F just now, and both of them (in different ways) agreed. A broke my trust, and ultimately, I don’t think that’s something that will change. She said she loved me, and that she was sorry, and she would make it up to me – but nothing indicated to me that she understood how it hurt me. And so nothing changes. She made a decision about my body for me, and went against what we had agreed upon. I’m happy I have the strength to walk away from this, and a part of me is happy that she is so desperate to somehow undo what she did. I respect myself enough to say no thanks.
I socialized so hard today (lol) and at the end I just kinda Irish goodbye’d since I was pooped, and while going back I guess the good part is I finally liked Fake Moon by Cleopatrick. It’s just a numbers game, and I’m playing.
I finally got to face jealousy, and as I expected things didn't just work out super nicely like I told myself they can. It's still a pretty ugly thing. I think it's somewhat the feeling of not being enough and potentially being replaced that's hard. I think it's also the feeling of someone else moving on and replacing you, while you can't really do the same as easily. I think I'm still in control, but it's a little bit of a wake up call, and learning that I need to respect it.
I’ve been getting into basketball recently, and it’s been fun to try out new moves and to learn more about it. I even started to watch NBA games and it’s pretty fun, and it’s a nice way to kinda de-dopamine my brain since it’s much slower paced, and long form content. Not really sure what else to write today to be honest.