The water pulled back from the shore today. I was sitting in S’s house and we were talking about moving soon and leaving things behind. I realized how I’m not going to be able to hang out with N and L anymore, and not be able to do martial arts with them. Or other stupid shit. I’m not going to be able to see C, or M, and also W. It’s going to be weird losing so much of the structure I held dear to me. I didn’t want to really acknowledge it, since I think it’s going to hurt and I’d rather cherish the time I have.
I realized why I shut down. I also realized I have only really done this around A, and my mother. It feels like every time this happens, it's because there's something important I want to say but I don't feel like I can. Like I feel like it's something I'm just not safe to say, or something that would be overall bad to. And so I just have to bite my tongue. And then I don't want to forget that thought because it is important, but I can't let go of it either. And so I just stop talking, and I hope that they will give me a chance to say it. But then the chance doesn't come, and eventually I just accept it and then withdraw into my thoughts. I don't like it, and I wish I didn't have to. I don't know if it's because of growing up in a household where I had to control someone else's emotions for them, or if it's because that's the situation I feel like I'm in again. I get jealous of the people that can just say what they want without caring about the consequences.
I stayed up last night till 5 AM since A was over, and I’m paying the price for that now. I told myself I’d sleep early, and instead, here I am. I guess I’ll give up more free time tomorrow to compensate hopefully.
I realized how every girl I've been with has gotten feelings for me, or hasn't been able to get over me. I found myself getting so insecure with the whole hookup culture, and comparison – but is that really what I want to be? Instead it feels like I'm a good partner and a catch, and so I want to believe that more instead of feeling undesirable. I am more than enough.
It's stupid, but I'm trying to see things differently. If someone was high elo because they had insane game sense, and you were a similar rank because of mechanics, would you be like “damn I'm worthless because I don't have their gamesense”? No (at least I think). Everyone has their strengths to play towards, and there are different paths to the goal. I'm not the fastest and most agile basketball player, but I'm strong and so I can jump and rebound. I can also do other things, and there's things I can't. It doesn't have to be a comparison but can be just a fun game.
Thank you to the random sketchy email that told me to step it up with encryption LOL. I knew that the cipher I was using was completely trivial for anyone that’s familiar at all, but I was mostly banking on the fact that the people I was hiding shit from wouldn’t know to do that, but this is probably smart lol. Thank you for looking out for me!
I think I need to have some self-respect. It's insane that I'm losing sleep over this, it's and now I just keep thinking about all of the instances of her just blatantly disrespecting me. I think I was an incredibly great partner, and even afterwards I've been exceptionally good to her. If she wants to take that for granted that's on me continuing to be good to her. Have a fucking backbone. In no way shape or form do I need her, but I am hoping that the uncertainty I have in her is optimistic. At the same time I need to remind myself even though it kind of sucks, if she doesn't treat me similarly, there's no reason for me to do it to her. And then if I don't want to stoop to that, then I can just call it off whenever I want. I think about how M I was giving his toxic masculine perspective, and I kind of understand why people like him say not to trust people. I don't agree with it, but I think it comes from a place of being hurt or lied to and falling for it, and then deciding to keep walls up to prevent that pain of trust again. I do think that it's a necessary risk however, and it's worth it to trust and be hurt, and trust again.
I asked A for advice, and she was happy to give it to me, and I got to know her more yesterday. She is very similar to me in a lot of ways that I value a lot, since it’s kinda rare. She again talked with me today which I’m super grateful for, since I know that it can NOT be fun to have to tell someone that they’re being a dumbass in a nice way continuously. But I think we have become closer as a result of that; she reached out and asked me if I had played Marvel Rivals. I feel like a lot of my closest relationships have come from times of struggling where I’ve reached out to them, and as a result, I've broken past a lot of those barriers of intimacy with friends. This reminded me of the Nova effect, where so many times, bad things lead to good things. And good things lead to bad things. I think it’s important to really appreciate the good parts when they happen, and be conscious of the decisions that led there. Even the bad things that led there.
Tomorrow morning is my first and only real MS exam (which I’m SUPER grateful for). I’m struggling to focus and study because each time I have idle thoughts, they end up going in the direction of A and what happened, and my own insecurities about it. My therapist explained really well how to handle this. I need to remind myself that my mind is not perfect, and also how it is essentially doing its best to torture me, however it can. And so I try not to think about it right now. It kinda feels like I’m running away from thinking about something which goes against my view on life, but I understand that feeding into these thoughts will just make it worse. It sucks because recently I realized I wanted to dopamine detox more, and that came in the form of allowing myself to be bored more. With little pockets of time, instead of pulling up TikTok or my phone, just sitting and being bored. Today, I finally did the dishes since I was waiting for my food to heat up, and I wasn’t using my phone. In the shower also I paused my music and set a 5-minute timer to meditate for the first time in forever, and I just sat on the floor and did my best to let my thoughts flow away like a leaf in a stream. I found myself at so much peace, and I just enjoyed being in bliss feeling the warm water and being in the moment – until I realize I have started thinking again and then its pulling myself back into just the moment, and nothing else. I should do that more. It’s weird how long 5 minutes can become when I’m not stimulated.