An Open Letter

I didn’t really enjoy my Friday to be honest. I didn’t really have friends to play games with and so I just watched suits and killed time and it wasn’t great. Oh well.

I was talking with insurance agents today to figure out some more logistics, and it looks like Dada is fine with me getting the car now. I have the cash to buy it in full along with all the fees and insurance for a year, and I’ve tried to account for as many taxes and fees as possible. I was so happy today that I was genuinely squealing to myself and brimming with energy, I was talking with V about it and we were looking over different trim options. I’ve been looking forward to this for over four years now and saving up all of my money for it. Other than V however, no one else gives a shit. I wish someone else was at least a little bit excited for it because nothing hurts me more than being over the moon and then when I let a little bit overflow and tell a friend, I get a “who gives a shit”.

I sent a message to S, telling him to lie to me if he needed to but to be excited with me. I surprisingly feel incredibly alone right now because of this. I was talking to F today and he asked me how much money I had saved up. I didn’t want to answer the question because I realized I felt worried that people would be jealous and upset at me for it. Thankfully he’s not, which is something I appreciate about him. But I worry about the rest of my friends in that sense. It has somehow turned into the same issue with academics, where none of my school friends were happy for me when I did things academically. I’ve always tried to be supportive and take an interest in the things other people are excited about, probably because I know how shitty it feels for that not to happen. I just wish someone else was the same way for me. Fuck, I know what I have to do.

Situation: S responded to me finally telling her that I got the news I’m going to be buying a car soon with a message about something completely different and pointless

Thoughts: It looks like she’s either intentionally shutting down my happiness or doesn’t give enough of a shit about something that matters to me so much that she couldn’t even say a formality or a fake platitude.

Feelings: I feel really fucking hurt, and I feel like the world is almost against me. I feel like all of my friends are jealous or don’t actually like me, because why else would they not share any excitement at all about something that means so much to me?

Behavior: I don’t want to share things I’m happy about or excited about with other people if they’re just going to rain on my parade. I’m just going to keep this shit to myself and romanticize that. Men die alone, and be strong enough to handle that or some other stupid shit.

Thoughts: She may be tired, or not understand how this was me testing the waters to see if people are happy for me or jealous.

Feelings: I feel sad, but I can at least attribute a lot more of it to misunderstanding rather than her flat-out wanting to hurt me.

Behavior: I can go into a conversation without that extra resentment or hurt, so it will be easier for me to not feel defensive. I sent her a message and hopefully, it ends up as a good experience of me being able to voice pain and have it not explode.

See how it works? Good. Do it more often please.

I was feeling frustrated internally because I both wanted to listen to my dad and wait till I graduate to get the car, but also I had no real reasons for it. I texted my dad to ask him to convince me to wait, and he ended up essentially agreeing that there weren’t very good reasons for me to wait for then. I might be able to get the car relatively soon, and that’s incredibly exciting for me. I’m almost daydreaming about it. Might as well enjoy the hedonic treadmill while it’s here.

I was talking with S today about the hedonistic treadmill. It came up because of how excited I am for buying a car once I graduate this year, and how it will become one of those things you get used to and accept as normal. When thinking about some of the questions she was asking, part of me wants to think that I can be content with life and also enjoy the occasional bumps from consumerism or whatever else gives me temporary joy. After all, if I can be content without things and then also enjoy having them, isn’t that just being grateful for things in life? Thankfully I think I’m in a position financially where it’s relatively responsible for me to buy a decently nice car, and so I am not doing something rash. But at the same time holy shit I am excited for it.

I’m feeling several different things right now, but I don’t find myself drawn to any particular ones to write about tonight. Instead, I guess I wanted to talk about what fear is for me. I think it’s the uncertainty that comes along with the future in some ways. It’s the potential for negative outcomes that run somewhat rampant in my mind when left unchecked. I find myself caught by what could happen or what could be so much that I lose sight of the positive outcomes.

Another real fear however is the realization of something bad that has already manifested. Sometimes I struggle with brain fog pretty badly, to the point where I can’t read sentences properly or even talk. I realized that it’s happening right now because I can somewhat put down the voice in my head into words by typing, but I can’t go back and read it and see if what I say makes sense. It’s like each word becomes it’s own independent meaning without any context surrounding it. And through that, everything becomes a haze that I can’t decipher. One of the biggest things I’ve had going for me in my eyes is my mind. That was essentially all I had growing up, and was the only thing valued by my parents. And so, I valued only that also. I am used to being smart, and someone that people see in that light. But I feel dull, like a dusted lightbulb that struggles to stay on. I’m afraid of that. I get fairly self conscious when speaking like this because I’m afraid the sentences I say don’t make any sense. I had a meeting the other day, and I just stayed quiet after speaking for about 15 seconds to pray that what I said was a coherent sentence. I actually get horribly insecure when someone jokes about me being incoherent or saying something unrecognizable. My memory is also pretty dogshit, I don’t even remember what happened the day before or what day it even is. It’s terrifying to lose your mind. Sometimes it feels like that’s all I have consistently, but now that’s slowly fading also.

Nothing exceptional, but I had an idea today while doing deadlifts and so when I got home in between waiting for laundry I tried to realize the idea. It didn’t come out nearly like what I saw, but it was something I was happy with at the end of the day. In full honest, I kept playing it on loop rewatching it because the middle portion just scratched my brain so nicely. I’m happy I learned how to use After Effects, since I’m able to somewhat realize the things I see in my minds eye relatively quickly. And also I accidentally had a lot of stylistic things I found out I really liked, and so I want to emulate those more. I’m happy I did this.

I went ahead and had a lazy day today, where I picked up my meds, went to test drive a Model S again, and then just watched a movie. The model S didn’t feel the same as it did the other day. That scares me, because I’ve been fantasizing about buying a car next year, and I really hope that it’s something that makes me happy. What if it doesn’t? This will by far be the most expensive thing I’ll have done and it is something I’ve been saving up for over 4 years now. I’m scared that it will just become the norm.

I don’t know if I’m lying if I say this, but men have always scared me in some capacity. They’ve always felt somewhat foreign to me, with the blatant irony of me being a man aside – I’ve never really felt like I understood what was going on with the men in my life. But I always did have a sort of respect, somewhat garnered through fear. Men always made me feel like it was a competition to prove who is enough, and who isn’t. That wasn’t a competition I ever wanted to do, and so I kept men away if I could. I guess I’m not lying when I say men intimidate me. I say this to explain how in my eyes how men are creatures who avoid showing weakness, and are somehow always resiliently strong.

Twice in my life I can think about men crying. First was when my dad found out that I had tried to kill myself. Second was a few nights ago. Both times it hit me out of nowhere like a truck. Seeing these infallible pillars suffering so much to the point where it eventually just seeps out past the facade breaks my heart. It makes me cry to think about how much I hurt my dad for him to cry. I can’t think of many other things that have that much weight for me. I’m so so so sorry Dada. I love you so much. I wouldn’t want any other father. I’ve never even thought about that once. I love you so much.

Yeah so much for that, it’s 3am. I’m working from home tomorrow, but still this isn’t smart oopsie daisy.

My god, the raw power in the regular model S was like crack. I had four other people in the car screaming as I got to whip around back country roads, and I genuinely think I fell in love. God, I want to try the plaid – let alone buy one. Test drives fuckin work.