To me starting has always been the hardest part. I tried to pick it apart a little bit to think about why that’s the case, and I guess it’s mostly because of my perfectionism. Or probably better put, the disjunction from my creation, and what I want from it. I think this is just another form of a fear of failure if I look at it that way. I know that this fear has held me back in several different ways, and as much as I romanticize doing things anyway, without the guarantee of success I still struggle to do it. Oh well, I hope I still try.
with putting this shit off lmao. It’s 2:51 AM and I don’t even feel that tired, that’s probably a pretty good sign that I haven’t been good to my sleep schedule. Apparently the strike is happening, and I personally am not going on strike. I both financially need the support, but also feel more obligated to my students in this course. I TA for a mandatory required course, and it has been a very rocky quarter and so a lot of students are concerned they will not even pass. Because of that, I want to make sure that they will have adequate help and I want to do as much as I can to help them at least pass. This course is a beautiful one, and it pains me when students are fighting for their lives. It’s hard to appreciate a waterfall when you’re directly under it drowning.
it’s 2:24 AM, and I am pretty exhausted. I’m just going to attribute it to being exhausted from yesterday, and so I’m just going to postpone writing. Today I finished the linear cryptanalysis CTF, and so I’m done with all of my homework. Finals are almost over, and I’m honestly just exhausted. This was a good year.
I just got back from the concert, and found a random church parking lot to sleep in. I miss hash, but also I had a really fun time. I'm looking forward to tomorrow where I have another concert but also a day to do absolutely nothing.
Tomorrow I’m driving down to Santa Ana, and sleeping overnight in my car so I can go to two concerts back to back. I’m going to have a full day of downtime in between where I’ll be in my car, so I’m planning on just exploring and maybe finding a nice library to chill in. I hope I can sit down and actually write then. Oh well, time to get some sleep for it since it’s 3 AM. God I hope I can fix my sleep schedule at some point.
Recently for the last few days I’ve had a strange urge to write. I have never written before, but I find myself thinking about little scenarios to just try to write something about. I think reading books has made me somewhat inspired, but I definitely know that just like any other creative project it will fall miles short of where I aim. I guess this is somewhat tied into the concept of perfectionism, and how that’s just writer’s block repackaged. I need to get over my fear of making things badly, or doing things badly overall I guess.
Since stopping powerlifting, I’ve felt kinda shitty about the gym. Losing the super strict regimen has led me to cut some corners here and there, and with the non powerlifting planning I definitely don’t progress nearly as fast. Today I hit a PR I guess, because I benched 235x3. I weirdly feel like this is somewhat representative of other aspects of my life – struggling to love things if I am no longer good at them. I used to be way better at overwatch, but now I’m bad, and it kinda sucks. It’s nice to be right there with my friends, but I also kinda miss the ability to just try and win. There are several other things in life where I am not as good as I’d like to be, and I want to figure out a way to stay motivated to those things too.
I ended up working today on the blog some more, I got an editor working along with adding it to the database automatically. I had a pretty solid day, but I’m a bit upset I still don’t have any work. I’ve been wanting to get better at Overwatch, partially because I want to be good at the game again. I guess I just hate the feeling of having no control when getting stomped in a game. but also it is nice to be at the same skill level as my friends. I’m not really sure what to do, but also at the end of the day does it really matter? Oh well, time to try to fix my sleep schedule.
It’s 3 AM and I decided to stay up to play with F. My internet ended up cutting out twice today, which kinda ruined my mood I guess. I should anyway get ready for sleep. I didn’t end up working on the blog at all this weekend, so I’m a bit disappointed in myself for that I guess. Oh well, another short entry because I waited till 3 AM.
I’ve had no homework or any work for about a week now, and I can’t handle this. Especially with this 3-day break, I've started to just rot away. I don’t enjoy playing games that much, and I just waste all of my time on my phone. I did nothing today. This is my personal hell, I just want work so I can leave this.