Today I went to the first intermediate class for dance, and beyond any recognition, slaughtered the choreography. Not in a good way. I saved the video with me half-way through getting lost and standing on the corner of the video for like 10 seconds doing like nothing LMFAOOO. The worst (best) part is I went with another friend who hasn’t danced much (but is good), and we said we would bomb it together. Before the class even starts, a conventionally attractive girl comes up to me and asks if I’m Anshuman, and says that she also works at Apple (where me and my friend work/met), and that she saw me mentioning the class but didn’t send a message or anything because she wasn’t sure if she was going. So then I had to figure out what the fuck I’m supposed to say to that, especially since she was very quiet and not very talkative. Turns out she danced in college, and so there goes my safety net of not worrying about being potentially judged by anyone I know lol. The class was beyond terrifying, but it was a great experience overall, and I’m happy I went! Afterwards, V asked if I’m still down to get food after, which I didn’t know was happening, but I said yes, and we all went together to a sushi place I used to go to here. Honestly, I feel pretty awkward in conversations, especially when I’m not like comfortable around people — like when I don’t necessarily think that it’s appropriate to make jokes and be stupid, like when people aren’t really laughing or lighthearted in that way. And these two people weren’t, and the problem is then I just continue to make the jokes since that’s both my coping mechanism, but also the awkward situations are hilarious to me so I somewhat don’t stray from them. I just start tweaking and laughing to myself like crazy when I make jokes, and no one laughs. But we ended up getting food and I think the ice started to break more and more, as we talked about so many different topics and stayed talking for 2 hours!
The reason I titled this entry this was because one of the things that we talked about was making friends while moving to a new environment, and somehow I mentioned that I wasn’t an extrovert and both of them visibly stopped in shock. They didn’t believe me, which is something I’ve taken as a huge point of pride! I even had the same conversation with someone earlier – T, with whom I got along incredibly well! I’m very proud of the work that I’ve done and the sheer number of hours of practice along with that. I did not have any of this come naturally to me, I was raised virtually isolated (pun intended), and so I had to learn socialization on my own, and also practice it with so much trial and error. This has led me to become a confident person in this, specifically in the belief that almost everyone is more awkward than anyone who practices socializing. And a good indicator of being charismatic is being more awkward than the other person in a sense. Doing things like taking the initiative in conversations to avoid lulls and steer the direction is somewhat risky, as you have to be vulnerable and push past safe small talk to get to substance, but in doing this the other person gets to feel safe in sharing and opening up likewise. Someone always has to go first, and I’m strong enough to be that person consistently. I don’t even feel the burden of it anymore, it’s too light. I’m proud of the man I’ve raised myself to be.
Today was the first day of my basketball co-ed league, and I got 0 points, 0 assists, 2 turn overs, but also I think 1 rebound. I did however have a fire idea for a stupid tiktok, and so on my way back I was just planning it out and getting excited about it – and then I spent almost 2 hours making it. I made myself laugh and honestly I’m completely content with that. I was also doing that today at work while making friends, by mostly just clipfarming for myself with stupid fucking answers to questions that I can then screenshot. I’m just happy man, I love whatever’s wrong with me.
I’ve been kinda warding off depression as well as I can recently, and getting injured was a huge problem for that. A lot of my stability and happiness come from the gym/exercise, and so when I have to rest and recover, it’s a huge struggle. Today I was taking it pretty easy, I did just a few deadlifts relatively light, and I even used straps so my forearms weren’t being used much. I had to stop early however because I felt the sharp pain in my abdominal wall which scared me a lot. I then went and did some bayesian curls with the cable machine, and at a weight on the lighter side once I let go of the handle my left thumb hurt so fucking bad I almost cried immediately there from the pain. When I moved my thumb or bent it, the pain was so sharp and intense that I audibly gasped. It felt like a nerve was torn or fully pinched, and it was horrible, so I just immediately left the gym, which was terrifying because that meant I was risking falling into an episode again. Coming home, when I tried to pick up my Gatorade bottle I dropped it immediately from the pain and almost screamed. I wanted to cry since being injured like this meant that I would have to stop exercising for months, potentially. Thankfully after showering the pain went away, so I’m hoping it was just a temporary thing like a nerve being folded wrong somehow or something. I just pray it doesn’t come back.
I don’t know, I just felt better. I was a little bit worried because I’ve been kind of slipping down into depression consistently, and bailing myself out at what feels like the last second. But I did some tasks that I had been putting off and went and worked out gently because I’m still injured. I was looking for more photos to potentially used for my hinge, and I ended up finding a couple that I thought were great candidates. But I also went down memory lane, and that made me feel happy. I’m happy I’m alive, and I’m happy that my life is a good one that I have worked hard for.
The title is not in a good way. during my therapy session I was asking about handling conflict situations, especially with a specific pattern that continues to happen. She wanted to bring up childhood and address it from the source, and she asked me what I see when I think of six-year-old me asking my mom for something. Immediately one sad thing was I don’t even know what six-year-old me looks like. But I absolutely knew the feelings of being afraid, and I kept having the mental image of someone with their arm stuck under a pile of scrap metal. To stop the pain in the arm, you risk all of the metal coming crashing down on you. And so instead six-year-old me just learns to suck it up. Because every time I asked for something, she would take it out on me and I quickly learned that it’s not safe to ask. It sucks because that’s supposed to be where you learn what is ok, and I never got that. she also later told me how would I respond if someone told me that it was safe and that they wouldn’t get mad at me and I could bring up how I felt, and I almost started crying because of the visceral fear that started in my chest. I told her how all I could think about is the instances where someone tells me that, and the exact same pattern continues. And how I’ve started to associate that with confirmation that I am not safe if I ask someone to stop hurting me or anything like that. I’m glad I talked about it in therapy today, because I don’t think it always has to feel this way. It does however suck that I have to go through this extra effort to undo my childhood, compared to people that just get to have good parents. I know that it’s almost like a unicorn expecting that, and that pretty much no one has that, but it still hurts because I wish I did.
I decided that I'm going to get back on hinge. I remember before A I had a conversation with an AI chatbot trying to understand why I would have motives for dating. It was mostly because I understood how virtually all of my niches can be filled through other avenues, and how I didn't see what benefit to my life having a girlfriend would have. And I was mostly caught up in the logistics of different hypothetical situations. And then I ended up having my relationship with A, and even though I knew it was going to be a relatively short-term one with an end date, it did center my course again. I've kind of realized how far I've drifted from my pre-college dream of a happy marriage, where I would fall asleep hugging my pillow dreaming about hugging my future wife instead. I think I've started to learn more and more how much I can love, mostly in the way of learning more about myself, and also the platonic love that I have with my friends. And also I guess the love for strangers. I'd like to look for a loving relationship where where I feel secure, safe, and also loved in return.
I’ve gained about 10 lbs in the last month, I’ve been eating about four meals a day. I’m balancing my fatigue and comparing my RPE’s to last year I’m much stronger. I will be strong.
I started feeling myself slipping into a pretty bad depression today. I got off work, and was stuck in an almost haze, where I was incredibly tired and I was struggling to even get up off the floor. I stoped enjoying music, and at one point just stopped playing anything and walked around in an almost trance. I was really worried that I was going to fall into another depressive episode. I asked S if he was on, and he responded, and so we agreed to play some games in an hour. When I joined, he was trying out FL studio and so I repirated it to join him, and we made some absolutely beyond ass attempts at a “beat”. That was stupid enough and fun enough for me to feel happy. We then went and played some games, and then just viewed some tiktoks and I showed him some of the stuff from the cruise and we just kept laughing and had a great time like we usually do. And I feel better now. I think I realized with the lack of social interaction that I normally get, this is my recipe for depression. I’ve spent the last few days just by myself watching TV once I get home, and that’s not a good thing to do.
I was thinking about the loneliness epidemic – it’s not like there’s suddenly some massive mismatch between people, like it’s not a “supply” issue. I think because of how virtualized the world has become, it’s suddenly way easier to disconnect from in-person interactions, and to somewhat avoid community inadvertently. I think this is somewhat empowering in a way, since I realized how I have much more agency than I would think in this. For example in the new graduates slack channel at my work, I have the power to initiate and forge new connections, and that’s something incredibly valued by others. Like the two people I have plans to go to dance classes with, that was so dirt-easy to get, all from just briefly mentioning that I have been doing dance classes. Imagine if I organize an event, or if I make it even easier with all the techniques and strategies I’ve learned and practiced over the years. I have so much control over socialization, and I have the ability to forge new connections and be that extroverted person that is the central hub. I think this can also apply to stuff like a relationship, I just need to meet and interact with more people and find someone that matches up with me in those ways and I’m set — at least for the opportunity. It could really be that easy. I’ve almost turned that into my mantra — it’s that easy.
I think this is one of those things where I’ve learned that no matter what there’s no winning this game. I’m both happy that I’m lean, since I have pretty pronounced abs, and I think that I’m at an almost “ideal” body type for the female gaze. I say this because of the above mentioned fact, but also because I’m I think at that nice precipice of being muscular, but not too muscular. Also I think arguably the nicest part of my physique is my forearms, and vascularity, the latter which is partially dependent on me being at this weight (~170 lbs). But with all of those nice things, I’d say I’m unhappy, since I want to be more towards 200 lbs. This is more for functional reasons, such as not being fucking manhandled by someone 2 weight classes above me in jiujitsu, and also being generally stronger. Also for aesthetic reasons, I want to feel more like a “man,” I guess, by having that stature. I know that there’s no “one size fits all” for the female gaze, and that being on the heavier side is also attractive. But I guess it’s a bit detached from that for me, I haven’t really been too concerned with aesthetics, at least in the sense of being attractive to women. I think that’s partially a relic of low self-esteem, and not having much weight in my mind for being attractive, since most of my self-view has been detached from that from the start.
I guess I’m just generally somewhat unhappy with the general hedonic treadmill aspect of it — I both want to be lean and cut, but I also want to be bulkier and larger. I know these things are somewhat at odds with each other, and so it’s a recipe for unhappiness if I want both of them. I guess it always boils down to this “want”, like the concept of dukkha from Buddhism. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to eliminate this however, the grass seems to always be greener on the other side. Right now I’m cut with visible abs, plenty of vascularity, and muscle definition. I know these are things I enjoy and am happy about, meaning I would also start to want those instead if I was heavier weight. But I want to be heavier weight so I have that sense of control and don’t feel powerless. Also I get the huge benefit of being fucking stronger. I know that I should be proud of my lifts, additionally at my bodyweight. My DOTS score is about 320, which is at the top end of average according to a random source on tiktok, which is I guess good comparing to powerlifters with my context, but overall I just feel pretty pathetic. I know that this is delusion, since if I go out in public or even go to the gym, there will be like <1% of people there with stronger lifts, and almost all of those people will be way heavier and bigger than I am. But that’s where my want lays I guess, I can’t be content while there’s someone above me. I know this mindset helped me a lot for success, but it’s not great for contentment I guess.