Even though we have all the information in the world from the internet I feel like I haven't understood why people would break up like this until I'm thrown deep into the ocean by it. We ended up agreeing that we should break up last night. For me I had been feeling this way for a while, because we kept having a pattern of her doing something that would hurt me, and then there wasn't a good way for me to be able to communicate that to her. I don't blame her, but I guess we are just different people. I really tried to make it work, but at some point it just wasn't going to. It hurts really bad because both I don't want it to end and I want it to work out, but at the same time it's just been eating at me and hurting me and it's for the best. It hurts because it's almost intangible on why we couldn't make it work. Like I'm struggling so much just to even put it into words, and I don't even know if I can.
I thought I was doing fine and okay, talking with friends and exercising and all that, but when I went to do my laundry and it's dark outside I realized I didn't have enough Tide pods and I almost broke down crying. This grief is painted by relief, but the grief refuses to let me forget that it exists. Fuck trying to write this in a artistic way or any stupid things like that, it really fucking hurts and I wish it didn't happen like that. Like I just don't know where the love went. It seemed so promising at the beginning, but the more and more we were together, it felt like she understood less and less of me. I felt like I just always had to argue for myself and something like that, but I don't think that's what love is supposed to feel like.
She said that she was upset that I don't listen to her problems as much anymore, and that's been because I've been struggling so fucking bad and on top of it less than a week ago I lost my mom – which was also something that she accidentally dug a knife into and that's what caused this whole thing. Well I guess it wasn't what caused it, I feel like this was coming for a while. I think more and more when we interacted love slowly turned into an understanding that she didn't get me and she wasn't going to. I kept feeling like to her I was just a benefit or resource to be used, but not an individual. I just felt so lonely when I was around her, that's a horrible feeling and I don't think that's what love should be like.
Since it's been hurting like this for a while and I fully was losing hope and finally lost all hope, it doesn't hurt as bad as I think it would have otherwise. I feel like I'm terrifyingly free. And lonely. I just wish it could have worked out, but at the end of the day I just never felt like she cared enough.
She would only do the things that I needed or try to understand me when I break apart in front of her, and in that dust I need to spoon feed her the puzzle pieces on how to love me. And then the second I start to reform myself into a human, that goes away. I don't blame her at all. I think she has so much strife and trouble in her life that maybe she just did not have the space for me in her mind, but that's still hurts me and I just could not take that.
No saving it, for the first time ever blocked each other and I don’t see that changing. If I can get my health things out of her control that’s it. It’s a shame but I guess I won’t have a mother.
Yesterday during my second phase of interviews I quickly googled if I could take two of my beta blockers, for my anxiety – and with my specific medication they highly warned against it for risk of death. I saw a line saying that medication was one of the most at risk for suicidal people, due to that danger. I have bottle after bottle of it, as I keep getting the prescription and it builds up.
I never had courage and I'm thankful for that I think. I think it was venlafaxine I kept swallowing that day in the closet trying to kill myself before my dad found me. I remember him crying. I'm happy I at least remember that rather than not being aware of it, or anything for that matter.
I think about the experiences I've had and how I cannot be alone in them, but yet here I am. I've been somewhat haunted by the thought of no one being there at my graduation. Like there will most likely be my parents, my girlfriend, and then no other close friends. I've almost romanticized this idea by now, on how I've proven that humans don't need social connection, by living with so little of it. I know I'm delusional in saying that, but I guess I want some way to cope and quantify the way I'm feeling. I think I would be a good friend, at least I hope I would be; but I find myself in this spot again and I can't help but feel like this is simply what I'm doomed to. Maybe things would have been different if I was adopted by someone like V, but instead I've been here, where I lay.
I have such a deep-seated bitterness in my chest every time I see brotherhood, or friends or shit like that on TikTok, since that's something I've so violently longed for. I see racist towns in the south and I get jealous because of their sense of community. It's not my fault I grew up with no one but online people because my parents refused to let me socialize, let alone do their job and help me with that. And so here I lay.
It feels like the end. And then what will I feel once that passes? Will that feeling just hang in the air, like a never ending promise that the conclusion is right there in front of me? Or will I feel ok, until this feeling comes back. I don't man that last sentence in a depressing manner, but rather as an inevitability. Either things change, or they end. It will never stay the same forever. Am I just supposed to be kind to myself until this passes? Will it pass? It threatens to consume me whole. I feel so fundamentally incompatible with this world as a whole. I just don't fit into this life I picture is normal no matter how I try to shape myself. But I know that I'm not alone in this feeling. There's two sides to this coin and it feels like they both don't matter. No point obsessing about flipping wrong when it's irrelevant. I think I'll be kind to myself until I'm better.