An Open Letter

I’m in call with a friend and I’m about to pass out, but I want to write something. I guess I’ll put this here – I haven’t been able to find this anywhere else online.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1b1YFO6VeyAwcyzU3uNbZrgy9QeUMSesp/edit?usp=sharing&ouid=107078761098343852795&rtpof=true&sd=true

We ended up talking and figuring out some things. It was almost very painful, but I clutched up and did some pretty emotionally mature things to figure things out. I just dropped my expectations of what they will do as a friend. It’s a bit interesting, and I do feel that they’ll eventually have to learn some key things – but also I realized I could be wrong. Oh well, life is a bit interesting. I’m exhausted.

I used to set my birthday on Skype to the day after. My reasoning was I would see who messages me when Skype notifies them, and I’d know they only messaged me because Skype told them to. I don’t think anyone anyway messaged me, but I realized even then how I was setting a trap for myself to just hurt. I didn’t really have much to gain.

I find myself still doing the same patterns. DBT tries to get me to stop, but it feels like a worn-in armchair. I give myself reasons to have hope, even when it’s consistently crashed over and over again. I told myself at the end of today whatever happens is done, and this wouldn’t be another instance of hope. I’m putting my foot down. Class friend it is. I hate myself for still giving hope by mentioning how “if things change, we’ll see”. I say that too often; yet I can’t get myself to denounce it either. In East of Eden Lee wrote something about how he stopped hoping, as it was only setting you up for disappointment. Grammarly is telling me the tone is “disapproving”.

I want to have respect for myself. Stand up for yourself for once. The only bad outcome is an awkward interaction with potentially 2 people. I have to redact something here to avoid dropping a bomb. I keep thinking about how Cal gave in and decided to be cruel. I have toyed with the idea more times than I want. It can’t lead to any good, can it? Even if I wanted to be fully selfish, it’s in my best interest to make it as easy as possible for the other person. A weirdly benevolent form of manipulation. But still, I feel that inherent desire for karma, with them hurting just a fraction of how they’ve hurt me. An eye for an eye. Who cares if it makes the world go blind if I already am – I am sick of being the only one suffering. I am sick of being the one who is putting in all of the work to fix this shit. I am sick of both of us benefitting from my struggle. The fact that I’m who I am and they’re who they are is reward enough I guess. The work I put in isn’t for waste, I think consistently doing this has made me a stronger and more emotionally intelligent person. I’ve still got a long way to go, but at least I’m not there.

I hate having to understand what it’s like to not know something. But I wonder if everyone always thinks this about what they want to hear. I think I’m fairly good at saying what people want to hear, but I could always be wrong. How would I know?

If I’m being honest, I don’t think E will read this or put in any more effort than what I’ll predict now for fun: 1 unprompted message, and 1 invitation for something non-academic. And I guess that’s all I predict. That’s more depressing than I expected. Expected isn’t even the right word here, I expect nothing anymore from them. All I find swirling in my mind are cruelties gone unsaid. They go back into the crevices when I think about Cal’s regret. I fear the day I go through with something cruel. I pray I haven’t before.

I think I've decided for myself that after a certain margin I expect friends to initiate activities or hanging out to some extent. I found myself walking home with them and they mentioned how they went climbing again. I originally had been waiting for them to initiate and figure out when we could go climbing, and they never did. Or anything else for that matter outside of a class group setting. I even saw them one day climbing with some friends, and they even mentioned how one of our friends was also free that day. There's a big chance that friend instigated to them, but I can't give this much consistent benefit of the doubt. I find this ship sailing more and more. But also I'm finding this as a nice experience of understanding what I expect from friends, and having self worth to know what not to tolerate.

I recently started my DBT workbook, which I’ve been putting off for a while, and it nearly immediately hit a chord. I think I’m figuring out what is sustainable and what isn’t. I guess I have to accept that certain bids for attention are going to fall on deaf ears and that they are willing to do certain things but not satisfy certain criteria I would want in what I’d consider a close friend. And there’s nothing wrong with that. I have several people I consider close friends, and I am confident I can find more if necessary. But as it is, they currently aren’t there. If things change, things change. But for now, I think I should go under this assumption. This works!

I hit 225x3 paused today, and I was so happy. Or I guess I think I was, I'm not fully sure. One of the first things I did was text the group chat. I thought about why I want people to be excited with me for achievements, and I think it's probably because of all the achievements that were brushed aside growing up, and I guess still. I think about the ICPC and how no friends were excited for me and how my dad just said “good.” in a text.

When I graduated highschool my dad had a business trip, and he asked me if I wanted him to cancel it. I said several times to not, and I didn't care. I did. I guess I just wanted to hurt and show myself that no one cares. It's a stupid pattern I find myself doing over and over again. I don't really know a way out.

The only real goal I've ever set for myself is ending soon – some day in March is the deadline. I'm afraid no one else will care, and I want it meaning a lot to me to be the only part that matters, but I really wish I had people who were invested in me enough to be happy and excited on my behalf. I told myself I wouldn't consider suicide until I hit 1k, and to my credit I haven't. I don't plan on it either. Just thought it was something relevant in a way.

I asked someone this question recently, and they answered themselves. Because of that I decided to give up on them in a way.

I asked because we're lab partners for a class now, and it's a class they're very scared of. There's a lot of things in life where you can either be afraid and do it anyway, or you can avoid forever. I think this is one of those things, and inherently I want to help push this friend to see how they're capable of these things. But I've definitely realized you can lead a horse to the water but can't make it drink. I've done a lot for this person's sake, and they haven't capitalized on it. When I asked them the question, to me it was because I can keep trying to push them, and they might hate me for causing them stress. But also I think in a month or two if I don't push them they're going to spiral pretty bad because their insecurities are coming true. And even worse, in a few years they're going to struggle very hard in life, and I don't think they'll realize why. I don't want this stuff to happen to anyone, let alone a friend. But they don't want this right now. I don't think they have the foresight to recognize the danger they're putting themselves in. It's only going to get harder every time they reinforce this behavior. I'd help them if they wanted the help, but they don't.

I decided I'll let my future self suffer a little bit as I'll have to spend a lot more time on the class, but I can handle that. I just feel pity for what's going to happen to them. I tried.

In 7th grade my girlfriend told me that she was sexually assaulted by her close friend. I remember listening to her, and trying to comfort her. I did everything I could to make her more comfortable.

I used to also think of myself as an emotional punching bag, where I planned to just help as many people as I could and eventually just kill myself so the emotional burden goes with me. Obviously that was wrong, and parts of that have changed – but other parts haven't.

I find everything that hurts me is a byproduct of love. And I think that's an amazing thing. I'm glad I'm someone who loves freely. I think about that woman's last words “God, it was so fun. It was just so much fun.” One day this will all be over. And not just in death. One day in the future my lungs may not work the same, or I may be injured. And I won't be able to scream in the car like I do now. I don't want to miss it, I don't even necessarily want to enjoy it more. I just want to be glad I had all these experiences.

I think being unnecessarily nice is the key to life in a way. I'm almost crying thinking about the most mundane acts of strangers kindness. I will never forget the random man online who got some taxes back, and offered to buy me fraise on transformice. I never had met him before. I did nothing to deserve it. I'm crying in my car writing this right now. He expected really nothing. I don't think he had a good job, or a conventionally good life. But I think of that nameless person as a hero for me. I sat there staring at my screen as a kid thinking about how that was the only person who gave me a gift like that. That was unconditional love. He didn't even ask to friend me, he did it and was ready to leave. That's just love. I don't know if I can ever explain how much that person changed me. Something about a complete stranger doing something completely selfless. It's just love. It's love. It's love. It's all love. That $10 somehow made me feel like for every night I had sat alone crying, that there were people all around me who cared. I just never had met them. I don't think I've ever been alone since that moment, because I subconsciously knew people care no matter what.

I don't think anything could hurt without love being there first. Even in a vacuum, that pain is a beautiful thing. Seeing and remembering all of that pain isolated, and still being willing to do it again. That's a beauty more than the cosmos to me.

SB hacks ended, we lost by 0.03 of a std. We got unlucky with the judges we got. I just slept for the first time in a while. My heads pretty quiet, so the things I think aren't loud, but they're heard very clear.

I gave two chances again. Both were failed. I'm sad. More at myself for constantly putting effort and giving chances. How do I always find myself putting in more. I know what I want and what I expect but I can't advocate for it.

The more things I see the less I know. I don't even know what question I'd ask God.

I had a bad first half of my day today, and weirdly enough everything that happened was no reason to be sad. I hit 215x3 paused, which is way more than before and still felt upset because I thought I could do 4. I also saw a friend and felt some concerns rear their ugly head back. I also was weak on every single exercise. All of these problems are fully logical and nothing to be upset about.

I coped by doing calf raises, specifically 60,000lbs of them. I finally did 400x20! I also ran .7 mi, and I didn't have any pain this time.

When I had physical therapy they suggested to do calf raises, and I started at like 130. Near the middle of summer I hit 310 and was so happy I ran over to said friend to tell them. Today I only told Lilac. It's a shame, I even sent the proud message to other friends but deleted it soon after. I started off way behind and now I'm ahead, but to me I'm the same. Before I could share achievements and friends would be proud of me, but now I'm worried they think I'm showing off or bragging. It's no fair.

I wish someone would get hyped for me. I hope I can hit 1k within a year. That would be one of the biggest achievements of my life I think. I wonder if S would help me bake a pie if I can do it. I'm so grateful for them being supportive of me, but I'm afraid to say things I'm proud of for fear of them thinking I'm bragging. God I think I'm just being stupid. I cannot wait till they hit a plate.