An Open Letter

Hoo boy, something’s testing me today. During tennis, I was feeding for some games, and my feeds weren’t doing too hot. They weren’t horrible, but they weren’t great either. But there was this one guy, who I’m friends with, but sweet lord he is annoying as fuck sometimes. He has someone make a joke that’s funny, and then he proceeds to repeat the joke every single day for the next few months. Today he was exceptionally tone-deaf, he kept loudly complaining about how bad the feeds were, and like – what do you want me to do? I haven’t played in a week, I’m feeding so everyone else can play the game, am I supposed to stop the game get on my knees, and beg for forgiveness? Holy shit.

I went home afterward and was playing Overwatch with two friends, and one was pretty drunk. He also wasn’t doing too hot in the games, to the point where nearly every game random people would comment on his performance. The other friend and I did not care if he did good or not, especially since he was the lowest rank out of us, so we didn’t care too much. But while drunk, he kept yelling about how it was everyone else’s fault. That’s whatever, but he kept just saying things that were blatantly wrong. For context, he was playing tank – the role I’m a fairly high rank in the game at, and which I’ve been coached several times before. He was complaining about how there was nothing he could do, and I suggested swapping to a specific kind of character that would fit the game best, and that set him off. He then proceeded to go on a soliloquy of how that’s not his job, and how it’s our fault instead. It was pretty frustrating, because he can be incredibly stubborn, and also was pretty drastically wrong about the situation, but he was confidently saying things. It’s annoying because I can be right, but it doesn’t matter because he will just disagree and argue that he’s right. It doesn’t matter if he’s the lowest rank in the game, and I’m a high rank, or if this is the perspective and opinion of pro players, suddenly I become a horrible person for disagreeing with him.

He left the voice call and then proceeded to start spam-messaging me about how I needed to apologize, and he kept repeating his (wrong) reasoning. I ended up just apologizing because it’s just words and I don’t have to really mean it. I know a lot of people who play with him mention how they cannot have conversations about game stuff with him, and how they end up just treating him like an idiot and going “mhm! yup! you’re right!”. But he’s a good friend, and I always want to give him the respect of explaining things when I think he’s wrong, and I’m confident I’m right. I wonder why I can’t just let him be wrong.

Situation: A good friend is struggling in our games, and doesn’t think he is doing anything wrong, and blaming us instead.

Thoughts: If I was in his situation, I would love it if someone who knows the game better would help me out by telling me what to do when I’m lost like that. Therefore I should do the same, and give him some ideas that would make him feel less helpless.

Feelings: I don’t really feel anything, but I probably end up feeling frustrated as he doesn’t take any sort of advice well and is incredibly stubborn and argumentative.

Behavior: Inevitably he explodes, and I have to put in the effort to just suck it up and deal with him making out-of-pocket comments at me, and soothe him. He doesn’t even get any better at the game so there’s no benefit.

Thoughts: I can just nod and smile, and save myself the headache

Feelings: I don’t like the idea of seeing someone struggle unnecessarily, but also unless he explicitly asks me for help I’ll just let him struggle.

Behavior: I get more practice in letting people make mistakes and do bad things in their lives without me trying to help them.

Man, this shit is annoying. I guess I really just gotta stop trying to help people that don’t REALLY ask for help. Even if he says “What do you think I can do” that’s just a trap, just let it slide. It causes so much unnecessary friction when I’m good at a game, and my friends aren’t. It’s almost like an information hazard, for the games I’m ass at I don’t have any issues with it because when they are frustrated they aren’t good, I can’t help them so I don’t even have the choice to give them that help. God, I hate having to let people struggle unnecessarily. Oh well, love you anyways, and always Ithaka ♥.

I was thinking while biking about how I succeed in different aspects, which are all isolated from each other. My friends I game with don’t see how I’m academically dominant. My gym friends don’t know how good I am at certain games. I feel like a weird microcelebrity in different aspects of my life, yet they rarely intersect. I love this idea for some reason – that I am so much more than what people see of me.

I feel like you could attribute this to me being afraid of not being enough. If I am not good enough at something, oh well I have several different situations where I am more than enough. It gives me a weird safety cushion that allows me to fail, as I weirdly can override this notion of not being enough. If I get rejected by someone, it’s no biggie because they just don’t know about the rest of me. Then it’s just their loss. It feels like an incredibly arrogant and self-centered take, but it gives me some protection against tying my self-worth to anything or anyone. I think the reason saying this has a bad taste in my mouth is because it feels like it has the connotation of rejecting self-criticism. I think I do this in a healthy way – I don’t think I’m some perfect person, by any stretch of the imagination. But I also do think for example, if a girl rejects me from a dating app profile, it’s not because I’m not good enough or anything like that, it’s just because she doesn’t have a full understanding of who I am.

And at the same time, it’s virtually impossible to truly understand someone else. So I guess I always have this protection, as I can always believe that things were not a holistic representation of who I am.

Oh well! Yap session over! I’ll do some CBT later, I’m not feeling it right now, and this way I force myself to journal again at night.

Heyo! Second post today, wowzers! I threw up a little bit in my mouth typing that.

The girl from the martial arts class texted back, and she asked me to hang out! I think this is implied to be a date, but sweet lord I do not understand this stuff that well. I was asking a friend who’s pretty well versed with this stuff about social norms, and I think I came to the conclusion that wow this shit is wack.

How stupid is it that you have to go on dates, imply they’re dates, but not call them dates? And you can’t really be explicit about what you want or what you’re looking for until you’ve both successfully beaten around the bush enough times. Half-assed hate aside, it makes sense. But at the same time man, this shit is hard!

Thinking about it, my two adult relationships were 1. Tinder, and 2. them asking me out. The closest I’ve come to properly asking someone out was writing a coded letter asking her out, slipping it in her lunchbox, and then running out of school (it was 7th grade). I guess there’s no way around this problem without experience itself. I think I have this weird quirk where I like to study things, but never apply them. I used to watch videos on League of Legends, watch coaching VODs, and do a ton to learn – and then never play ranked. I think I’ll probably do the same thing if I just go on autopilot here. I think I need to just get over this fear/anxiety/whatever and get some experience with this. I wonder if it’s the fear of ruining potential relationships that petrifies me from exploring different actions. Oh well, since I’m working out with a friend tomorrow I should sleep early. Time for CBT!

Situation: B has heavily hinted that she wants to go on a date, or something along those lines.

Thoughts: Because things are not explicitly stated, I can assume that she is not interested in me, and play the safe route of doing nothing.

Feelings: 🥳 I am fully in my comfort zone! No potentially scary things happen!

Behavior: Maybe this relationship would be amazing, regardless I think it would be something I don’t regret, no matter how it goes. I think I would regret it if I let this opportunity slip by. In the (paraphrased) words of Sam Sulek, “I would rather go too far than not go far enough”.

I think this is the first time I’ve done CBT, and the feelings get worse. I guess that’s a pretty important thing to note – if I still think it’s a better path, even if it makes me less peaceful, that must be pretty important.

Thoughts: Everyone has mentioned she is flirting with me. She has also implied that she wants to hang out, so all of the signs are there. But also, even if she wasn’t into me, she could become into me! I know she really enjoys weightlifting, and she may really like that in me – and I am fairly certain she enjoys my company too. I think it’s a fairly obvious trap now that I think about it because I don’t think people could like me, unless it is explicit, I simply cannot give the benefit of the doubt to them. But I know that’s wrong, so all that’s left for me is to consciously override this part of me.

Feelings: I feel scared, mostly because this is all unknown to me. I’m also excited! Opportunities like this don’t always happen. This almost feels like God giving me baby steps. First Tonia asked me out, now B is being fairly visible with her interest. I feel nervous but happy!

Behavior: I fuck around and find out! Realistically, if I somehow astronomically fumble this (worst-case scenario), I just make her feel uncomfortable and she doesn’t want to interact with me again. To reiterate – this is the worst possible scenario! That’s basically the same outcome if I do nothing, as we don’t interact outside of the class that’s ending after one more class. But the best case? Everything I’ve ever wanted. I have nothing to fear with this in mind, there is no cost to failure! The only real failure would be not trying.

This shit is scary dawg, imma keep it real. Love you for still wanting to try! Love you Big ♥

Hey! I find it funny I am apologizing to the void – this journal is meant to be a personal thing put on display, but I find it hard to write without the context of someone reading it.

I think I’ve written about this recently, but I’ve started to get more female attention. I didn’t do CBT for the last two nights, but that’s been because I’ve gotten home late (and under the influence) from going out with friends to parties – so hey at least that’s pretty admirable for me! Last night while outside of a party figuring out what we were doing, a drunk girl stumbling out grabbed my bicep, felt it up, and went “Woahh” before her friends took her away. I’d like to imagine that she liked the way my arms looked, but I inherently think she was just drunk and grabbing someone’s arm. At the same time, the girl from my martial arts class who seems like she is flirting with me (all the friends I’ve asked have said it’s obvious) today ended up pushing her butt into me pretty intimately and again was very friendly to me. Again all my friends say it’s obvious, but I find my mind convincing me that it was just an accident, or that she just feels comfortable around me in a platonic way.

It’s a really strange thing – I’m so convinced that I could not be desired, and every piece of evidence that goes against that somehow gets turned around into some way of confirming that thought.

When I was in high school, I had a pretty big crush on one of my closest friends. She explicitly said unprompted something along the lines of “I would throw up if we were together” etc. Another time, the girl I had a crush on was someone I had been friends with since 2nd grade. One day at lunch she was talking about her crush, and unprompted said I was a 2/10. It hurt way worse because I had a big crush on her, and to hear that out of the blue did some damage. My parents used to mid conversation stop listening to me, stare at my skin, and tell me how people would find me sickly and not want to touch me. I have eczema. I still have some discoloration on my skin, and sometimes it gets worse – and I’m terrified of someone looking at it. The only people who have pointed it out have been my parents, who told me how people wouldn’t want to look at me. God that was cruel. I still don’t look at them when I talk to them, I try to hide my face.

I don’t want to hold a pity party for myself, but I guess I want to just tell someone this – even if it’s just writing it down for no one. I feel bad that the people around me have to constantly hear me not accept evidence that people could want me, but I wish I could somehow explain why it’s so hard. I think it’s rough, especially since almost all of my closest friends are women – and I think it’s a drastically different experience (not better or worse, just different). I think a big reason I got SA’ed as a kid was because of how much I wanted someone to lust over me. I was willing to do anything to feel like someone would want me. A part of that kid is still present in everything I do I feel like.

In the shower while I was thinking about this, I for some reason pictured a younger me trying to hold it together while about to cry. I wish there was some way to retroactively change what happened. I guess I can somewhat do that, through stuff like CBT, can’t I? God I just want to be loved – isn’t that a pathetic thing to say lol

Situation: Angela told me Nick was like a 7/10, then turned me and said I was a 2/10 – then continued talking about something else.

Thoughts: I’m a 2/10, coming from someone who has known me for over half a decade.

Feelings: I feel like I got slammed in the stomach. I feel like if someone this close to me finds me this disgusting, all the things I’ve heard have been true.

Behavior: I never can accept anything good about me, because I believe that so intrinsically. I handicap myself in life.

Thoughts: Maybe she was making a bad joke? I’ve never actually thought about that. I was so ready to accept that, and I never considered maybe she didn’t mean that. She could have been making a joke that didn’t land at all (obviously).

Feelings: I feel sad, but more because of how long I’ve held this over my heart. I don’t think I needed to do that. I’m sorry to myself for hurting over this so much. I feel a bit better, and I feel like maybe people could want me.

Behavior: I can start to accept all the positive experiences I’ve had.

I think people do find me attractive now. Maybe they even did back then, but that’s a different question. Let’s take this in baby steps and try to accept it right now. God, how am I supposed to do this without comparing? Man, this shit is hard. But oh, it’s so worth it. Love you Suman ♥

I for some reason asked God to send me a sign. Suddenly I just found myself smiling ear to ear. I realized I'm happy. Like truly, genuinely happy. I feel good. I'm not depressed.

Do you know how good it feels to hear music again? I was doing a plank, and found myself uncontrollably smiling at the floor. I was laughing for no reason. I could cry right now, I feel happiness again. I was facing a mirror, and there were like 5-6 beautiful girls in front of me, and all I could look at was my own smiling face. I was so fucking proud of myself for sticking it out. It's a cloudy day outside. Nothing drastic has changed, I'm still in the early stages of my new friendships, I don't have anything new, but I'm suddenly happy. I'm so happy I'm alive.

Hey me, I want to keep journaling so here’s today’s entry:

Today I pushed myself pretty damn hard, and as a result, got an insane endorphin rush. I was singing along to music, shaking my head, the whole 9-yards in the gym, and on the ride back home I was dancing the whole way. Music felt really nice again.

While waiting for the shower to heat up, I was also looking at my body, and I couldn’t stop myself from smiling. I have over time seen myself slowly find my body more and more attractive, and I’m very happy with the body I have now. I know it’s vain, but I was thinking about how I wanted to get a girlfriend so I could show someone my body, as there’s no real other way to show the progress I’ve made to someone else. Oh well, even without that I’m proud of myself!

One small thing I realized today was I have a bad habit of being too emotionally healthy at times, for lack of a better way to say it. I thought about how my friend would mention self-deprecating comments, and how my first instinct is to try to contest that negative thought and I would immediately say “No I think you’re …”. I would do this to try to be supportive and to try to avoid that person reinforcing bad thoughts, but I realize how this might get exhausting to be on the receiving end. It’s one thing if this is something a person mentions they would want assurance for, but if it’s unsolicited then maybe I should just not comment on it, or at least figure out on a per-person basis what they would prefer.

I guess tangentially related, one thing I’ve had to practice is letting people make mistakes and hurt themselves. A friend and I were both in similar boats of struggling to apply to internships and I saw myself in them. Because of that, I wanted to go extremely out of my way to try to help them, in the whole savior-complex way of trying to retroactively help myself. Either way, this person didn’t really want the help it seemed, and eventually it culminated in us deciding that I would give up on them. Recently, they asked to do it again, since they did not do anything and could use the help of being accountable. I told them that I was more than happy to, but I wouldn’t be going out of my way to try to keep them accountable, I told them this time it’s their job to do it not mine.

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t frustrated or upset with them about it. The only thing I’m upset about is how they aren’t driven about it. I would kill to have a friend who would keep me accountable like I was doing, and they kinda just disregarded all of that. Now that they asked to stay accountable and I told them it was up to them to put in the initiative, they have done nothing. I again have sent unprompted messages about it or given reminders, and they haven’t done anything. I feel almost disgusted, and it’s because I see myself in them and I hate that part about me. I find it weird because I actually feel upset and dislike this about people, but that’s only because I think of myself – and I don’t have any issues with being upset with myself I guess.

Situation: I need to apply to more internships

Thoughts: For some reason, it is a scary thing. I don’t want to think about it, as then I can just act like it isn’t real.

Feelings: I feel a hidden anxiety, and I try to stay in denial about it which doesn’t help it.

Behavior: I don’t do anything to stop this anxiety, and I also set future me up for failure.

Thoughts: There is nothing to be afraid of now, I can always just take one day and treat it like a game – I can set a PR for how many internships I can apply for in one day.

Feelings: I don’t feel as scared, and it still is a task I don’t want to do but this is better for me.

Behavior: I end up applying to more internships and having less anxiety overall.

I might make a pool of $80 (the money in my Venmo), and send all of it to the friend – and tell them for every internship I apply to send me back that fraction of money. God this shit is scary isn’t it, proud of you for staying strong. Stick to your daily ritual of stuff, love you Anshuman ♥

I wanted to write this down while I was at the gym a bit ago, so here it is – I have been recovering from several injuries, and was taking things relatively slowly. I still pushed myself very far, and I realized how even with my body feeling strained and not right, I still committed to pushing myself. I thought about why I wasn’t waiting for everything to align to be perfect like I normally do, and I thought maybe it was just because I wanted it enough. Or maybe because I wasn’t as afraid of failure.

I have put off making a hinge for several months now, and I’ve always told myself “Oh after xyz happens I’ll be ready!” and I’ve moved that goalpost ever since. I think I’ll sit here forever in this limbo telling myself that things are not perfect yet, and so I will wait for that. I think this is a violent cop-out, and I’m somewhat tired of this excuse. I want to go ahead and start doing things I don’t think I’m ready for, otherwise, I’d change nothing in life.

Situation: Making a hinge

Thoughts: I need a few more things, I’m close but I am not there yet. If I don’t have this perfect, I won’t get any success with it and it will reinforce my idea that I am unwantable.

Feelings: I feel stressed, I feel like a coward, and I also feel bad about myself – because this fear is strong enough to stop me from doing it, meaning I believe that it is true.

Behavior: I avoid the thought of this, don’t make a hinge, don’t give myself a chance to meet cool people, and go on fun dates.

Thoughts: Things won’t ever be perfect, no one takes dating apps that seriously anyway. There is a point of diminishing rewards, and I have long passed it. Me getting one slightly funny picture won’t make a world of difference. I am getting feedback that I am desirable now, and there is nothing to lose if I don’t let it affect my self-image.

Feelings: I feel empowered, and I feel capable of finally making a hinge.

Behavior: I make it, and I give myself more chances to meet people! Who knows, I might start a nice relationship.

Love you Suman, happy early birthday! 💖

Hoo boy. Earlier today I took my Adderall and was waiting for my food to finish before starting homework when I got into an argument with random people online on TikTok.

There was a video of a female powerlifter benching with an incredibly high arch in her back. For context, my understanding of a valid powerlifting bench is as long as your butt is on the bench, arches are fully fine. What she had ended up with her getting a range of motion of about 1-2 inches, which is understandable why it’s kinda crazy. The problem I had was this was just a girl posting her PR, not even in a competition – she wasn’t trying to flex on anyone, wasn’t putting anyone down, and almost all the comments were men making fun of her for having an arch.

This weirdly got to me, as in my eyes women are typically more flexible than men. Men also typically have more muscle mass. If a girl is flexible, why not utilize that? I ended up telling two guys who responded to my comment talking about how people are hating for no reason to send a video of them arching their back that much since they said it was too easy. (Obviously, none of them did) One of the guys however kept commenting back and forth, and he called her a “disappointment to powerlifting” and talking about how she was doing it all wrong. As we argued a bit back and forth, three big things came up:

1. He had been benching for about a week – how insane is it that a guy who has a week of experience decides that he knows more than a POWERLIFTER, just because she was a girl and lifting less weight

2. He called me a pussy for having a dress in my profile picture (me in my maid outfit) and also said I obviously don’t bench

3. I looked at his profile, and he mentioned he couldn’t bench 225

Guess who just recorded a video of them benching 225?

I don’t mean to talk so much about the gym, but with the relevance of feeling a lack of achievement about it – this felt like a genuine gift from god. Being able to shut someone up on the internet (he stopped responding after I posted the video in response) was fucking BLISSFUL. I felt genuine joy putting that dude in his place.

Well, it turns out that when you reply to a comment with a video, it gets shown in people’s FYP. I originally planned to delete the video since I saw it pop up on my profile, but I decided to leave it up for a little bit so the guy could see it. It’s been 6 hours, and the video has about 5.7k views.

I got a ton of positive comments, and I also got a lot of hate comments. I weirdly loved the hate comments so much more, I had someone call me a pussy for starting off weak and playing tennis (lol). I find it funny that my getting into an internet argument got 15x the views of the video I spent hours editing and filming (let alone flying to Canada for).

I find it weird that I finally feel proud of this achievement after getting hate comments, and also being able to shut a random guy up. I think this is the closest I’ll be able to get to the gym reaper or kevdog lol.

Situation: I feel ok, but maybe for the wrong reasons.

Thoughts: I’m worried that this is temporary, and I’m going to revert to being depressed soon enough.

Feelings: I feel fear, dread, and anxiety.

Behavior: I don’t enjoy the time I am “happy”.

I don’t even know why I write a sentence here

Thoughts: Hooray! That’s how life goes. Ups and downs! Enjoy the ups while you have em.

Feelings: I feel content, and calm.

Behavior: I chill, and probably am happier for even longer.

Love you dude, I’m glad you can use this blog to be an unsavory person – it’s nice to have that outlet. Love you Ithaka ♥

Hey.

I went and hit 225 again today, and I celebrated a bit more but still didn’t really feel that joy. Music is starting to sound somewhat nice again, but I miss how it used to hit me.

I’m at 835/1000 right now, but I’m a bit afraid once I finally cross 1k will I even feel good? I know I’ve said this over and over again, but the only thing I really remember from my senior year of high school weightlifting was working my way up to just the bar. For comparison, the weightlifting standards for bench are as follows:

102 lbs 144 lbs 196 lbs 255 lbs 319 lbs

This goes from beginner, all the way up to elite. After half a year of lifting, I was around 50 lbs.

I went from 115 to 225 in about 7 months this time. That is a ludicrous achievement, especially given the context of how weak I was. Why do I feel no pride? I almost feel contempt for myself. I wouldn’t say I hate myself, but I don’t know what else to say right now. I hate where I am right now, there are so many people above me. There are 15-year-olds lifting 315, and at 15 I couldn’t even lift the bar. How am I not supposed to hate that person? I don’t give a fuck if that 15-year-old is a genetic freak, on steroids, or some world champion. I was not even close to that. I wasn’t even close to the average weak kid. If I don’t hate who I am, how would I change?

I see people online talking about how they’re fully grown adults who have been lifting for a while still not hitting 225, and how they’re happy. I see people congratulating people for hitting 225 on Reddit all the time. Hell, I’ve had people try to gas me up in person about it. It all somewhat disgusts me. I hate myself for saying this here, but how could you be happy with that? I think I hate something here hard enough to push myself past whatever my limits are. My left wrist has been sprained for ~2 weeks now, and I still did it today. Something hurts so incredibly sharp in my left wrist, that it makes me drop whatever is in that hand due to the pain. I finished my workout with that.

I think I hate how depressed I am. I hate how I feel no joy, no pride, no happiness, no pleasure, no nothing. That’s what I think of when I think about myself, and that’s what I hate. I guess I do hate myself. I think if I hurt my body exercising, that’s the same as me hurting the version of me I hate. I feel nothing but disgust looking at that part of me, and I want to do whatever I can to kill it. Fucking pathetic.

Situation: I hate myself for being depressed

Thoughts: Do whatever it takes to destroy that part of you. Doesn’t matter what.

Feelings: I feel motivated, and I feel a sustained and calm rage.

Behavior: I progress in things incredibly fast, because I put everything I have into it. I also feel miserable with all of it.

Or

Thoughts: I will fight to win against that part of me, but this includes all parts of winning this fight. It’s not a win if I’m miserable.

Feelings: I feel a little less motivated, but I feel like I’m not falling for depression’s trap.

Behavior: I’m no longer just recklessly hurting myself, but still pushing myself past what I think I can do. I think this is more motivation based on loving what I do rather than hating what I am.

I know, I know, I know. Love you <3

So I realized I might as well use this daily journaling to tell the daily updates I have. The friends I’ve been having some insecurities/issues with were hanging out today, and I was invited but I said no because I wanted to recharge my social battery. I was feeling pretty upset, as I had felt like an afterthought, and not someone they actively thought about while planning hangouts. I was generalizing this to my other friendships, and I was feeling pretty shitty overall.

At the same time, I had two people ask me to go to the gym, one person asked me to study together, and a girl asked to come over and cuddle and then some. The next day, the same friend I was insecure about was drunk texting me trying to get me to come hang out with them. I was insecure about everything for virtually no reason. I think a more important thing I realized was I don’t necessarily see those friends as close friends anymore, but rather as people I might hang out with occasionally.

I finally got a chance to go to the gym seriously again today, and I pushed myself super hard to the point where I had to stop at 3 separate points to avoid a cramp. I finally got that sweet sweet endorphin rush again, and it was nice because while recovering from these injuries I haven’t been able to really work out, and I had been losing the motivation to continue. I’ve been pretty afraid of that, so I’m glad I had a good day at the gym today.

Oh well! CBT time:

Situation: I am avoiding making a hinge, even though I am getting validation left and right currently.

Thoughts: If I make a hinge and get no matches, I will feel like nothing has changed since the last time I made a hinge, meaning that I have not “glowed up”, and I am still undesirable.

Feelings: I instantly feel sad, because the fact I am so afraid of this means that I believe the fear somewhat. I feel like I am powerless to get into a relationship, and that there is something fundamentally unlovable about me that prohibits me from being in a relationship.

Behavior: I create this self-fulfilling prophecy where I convince myself people can not like me. From this, I end up single for longer – which reinforces this idea.

If I stop being a coward:

Thoughts: Every time I’ve made dating apps, I get at least a few matches no matter what. I have recently gotten an overwhelming amount of female attention, so I should put that to good use and start dating. Also, I have nothing to lose if I don’t tie my self-worth to success on dating apps.

Feelings: Fuck it, just send it.

Behavior: I take back some control of this aspect of my life, and worst case I have one less regret.

Love you Anshuman, even on the days it’s hard to ♥