I find it somewhat funny how many things in life I both fear and want to avoid, yet long for and chase. What a hypocritical little creature I am. And not to break the fourth wall or anything, but consider your own life: I’d be willing to bet there are fairly significant things you both want yet don’t want. What an interesting limbo we’re in! But also don’t you think life would be boring if everything was so linear and clearcut? I think it’s a wonderful thing to be in this life where everything is so deep and meaningful and confusing and scary. I can’t think of any other way I’d want it.
Everything's just a trick of the mind right now. I don't know what's something real to be sad about. Maybe I'm just depressed. I told myself I wouldn't even think about it until 1k so I won't. But it's scary that the thought is creeping around, waiting for a spot to move back into.
It's this weird romanticization that does it for me. I see myself laying down in an almost out of body experience, like a scene from a movie. How am I supposed to be upset at anybody? The cruelest people to me have always been victims. She was the one who found her grandma when they hung themselves. And now their mom is gone to the same curse. How can I blame them. God knows how strong she has to be. I'm sorry for everything you've had to endure, and I'm sorry I had to do what's best for me. God I'm sorry for us both.
I had a video call with my dad earlier today to sort out insurance stuff. His hair is more white than black now. I know people always mention it, but it hasn’t hit me until today that he’s getting older and he may not be around forever.
I was eating food outside by myself like I normally do, and I decided to put my phone and headphones away to sit in the moment. I thought about the memory of me acting like I was asleep in the car, and Dada carrying me inside. I started to think about how I began to be alone before I had moved out. I think around like 7th grade. It ended up being fairly easy to adapt to college because it wasn’t a big change. I wonder how much it hurts for people who had connections like that at home.
I feel pretty alone if I’m being honest. I don’t know why it’s hitting me now. I just came back from a martial arts class with some friends, and have spent most of the day around other people. I just find myself sitting alone after it’s done or spending time alone. My memory is starting to go hazy. I think I may be getting depressed again. I’ll sit with this feeling and accept it for a little bit before I try to fix it like I always want to. I feel pathetic saying this but god I just want to be held like a kid again. I just want someone to lay there and hold me without it being a burden. I miss when I was in elementary school and I would get hugged by my family. That’s all I want right now. I just want to be held.
Hey me. I find myself happy and full of life in the morning and when it's time for night I'm hurt and tired. I planned to get to bed earlier and maybe have time to really write, but my heads empty and tired. I wish I was stronger, and that I wasn't so weak to collapse under the smallest pressures.
I wasn't planning on going back and writing this, but I did have something I wanted to say today.
I dislike how insecure I am at times. I find myself always mentally considering the fact that I am being replaced, And I think it's fundamentally ugly. I don't want to be this way, but I constantly find myself falling victim to the same fears. I don't know a way out.
It is exactly 8 hours after when I started this lab. And with that, I’m done. I did it all myself, and I believe that it’s all good to go! I took no breaks in between and just finished the entire thing. I am going to take this quarter by storm.
S did something that was almost dangerously nice. I don’t doubt in my mind that they value me as a friend. I say dangerous because I feel like it sets the bar way higher than it was before. I’m obviously not expecting everyone to compete with that, but also it reminds me what I don’t have to settle for. God, I actually don’t feel like a burden. Things have consistently been nice. Even when both of us are busy, I don’t feel like anything bad is happening. I’m a big apprehensive because this feels like a sustainably healthy relationship, and I think that’s a scary thing to have faith in. It’s like hope, but at the same time, I think it’s so worth it to risk it on things like this.
I’m genuinely happy nowadays. I wake up and I find myself singing to music, dancing while walking, and just happy. God, I’m happy. I’m happy to be alive. I’ve been spending time with the people I love, especially my online friends I’ve been friends with for years. It’s interesting because we’re all busy, but we once in a while can line up and make up for it. I love my friends.
I weirdly have a decent amount of free time. I have things I could be working on, but they aren’t too pressing and I kinda just don’t want to do them. This is strange, I feel not too busy for once. I’m also incredibly tired but I don’t find myself wanting to sleep, as I want to have my own free time. I also think I got the internship at Tesla today, the recruiter told me that they would reach out with a formal offer letter soon. I also think I got my old apartment which is a blessing. I’m a bit worried as life has kinda been throwing me around recently and right now things seem like they’re going my way.
We all made time to play some games together, lost all of them I think. We all should have been asleep a while ago but here we are. It’s incredibly blissful to know that your people want to be there with you. I love my friends. I hope we can all travel together like we were talking about soon.
I feel pretty damn free. I think life is in a pretty good spot, I have plenty of things to keep me occupied, while also time to spend with friends consistently throughout the week. Putting things in context, I realize how I have a solid handful of close friends and another handful of good friends to do things with. I’m happy with how life is right now, there are some things I wish were different but nothing I can’t change or mind too much.
It’s really nice to finally be able to let go of a lot of things because they don’t matter anymore. I’ve decided it’s probably best for me to part ways as much as I can with E, and there still is a part of me that is vindictive. I’d like to think I triumph over that voice a good amount. I asked the PPL group chat what they would do in a not-so-hypothetical hypothetical question they managed to puzzle out incredibly quickly. Similar to the advice of flipping a coin to make a big decision, this worked very well because before I saw them send their responses I knew what I wanted my answer to be.
I am happy being the person to be nice to others and to be undeservedly patient. That’s someone I’m happy being. I think I want to figure out a little bit better where to draw the line, and when to be more selfish to preserve my own best interests – but I’m happy to be someone who cares unapologetically. I set my status earlier today to “This is the worst boss music” as a cute little way of notarizing how I was feeling. During a difficult conversation with E, at one point I started hearing a certain soft song I am realizing I don’t know the name of. I weirdly had a somewhat divine intervention moment, as almost right after there was a mosquito hovering around my desk. My first instinct was to swing at it, but it really wouldn’t have affected me. At that moment I wanted it to be alive, as I thought that was nicer than another dead bug. I think that had some strange parallels.
I have 66 days left until the 1-year mark of starting working out, and my goal is to join the 1k club before then. I’m a bit nervous, but also optimistic.
Earlier, E had asked the professor if they could stop being partners without asking me, and since it is a difficult process it is now a huge headache. It stresses me out a lot because I’m incredibly busy already this quarter, and I don’t know if I can handle this workload. And now I might have to do 2x the work for a class which is an incredible amount of work regardless. The class is so much work the professor almost mandates lab partners, and I am taking almost double the courseload of a regular undergrad student already. But I also remind myself that I anyway would have been doing all of the work, and so there’s not much of a difference there. But at least now I don’t have to worry about dealing with a volatile person’s behaviors at the same time while juggling their stress unduly.
I do feel kinda bad though because I am realizing that if I behave within what is fully my right to do, which is also not putting in effort for someone else’s gain – I think E would be in hell for a very long time. And I don’t just mean academically, I think this would probably lead to a bad trajectory for their life overall. I also additionally unfortunately have recently acquired what is the equivalent of a nuclear bomb over them – I did nothing wrong, but I know mentioning something I did would absolutely DESTROY them. But with these options out of the way, the thing I think I’m doing which I’m not too sure of is putting in effort of my own, and sacrificing some to make the landing easier for them. I don’t really think that they’re someone I want to invest time or effort into anymore as a friend or person, but at the same time, I don’t think I could sit here and bear witness to someone spiraling down knowing that I could have prevented it. I think I’d rather take on the burden without them knowing rather than them suffer in a way I could have prevented.