An Open Letter

A girl is coming over to cuddle, so I gotta do this quick before she arrives.

I’ve been socializing an extreme amount, and I’ve realized around some people I feel very drained – and I feel worse afterward. I think this is mostly on me, I need to understand these are no longer really close friends, but rather people I hang out with occasionally. In that lens, things are fine.

Situation: People who used to be good friends have become more of hang-out friends.

Thoughts: I feel like I did something wrong to get demoted like this, and I will start to look for evidence.

Feelings: I feel insecure, sad, and unloveable. I have multiple friends that I feel fulfilled with, but I will fixate on these unsatisfying ones.

Behavior: I end up feeling more insecure, and I sabotage all relationships because of one bad group.

If I take a second to really think about this, I see things through this lens, however:

Thoughts: We’ve gotten more distant, and that is fully fine. I’ve realized we’ve gone in different directions, and they aren’t really people I want to be incredibly close with. I enjoy being able to hang out with them, and I am also fully in control of how much I want to.

Feelings: I feel a bit sad, but also more in control and comfortable with life. This is something unsavory, but a good thing overall.

Behavior: I don’t sabotage myself, and I have more control over the socialization I want to have.

I want to write later about my recent experiences with female attention, but she is arriving any moment now so I should probably wrap this up. I’m glad I did CBT, I kinda wanted to skip it today but I think thinking about this made me feel a lot more in control. I’m proud of the work you do, and I love you Suman. ♥

Hey. Last night I drank way too much and ended up getting a hangover this morning. I canceled almost all of my plans and took the day to recover. I started watching some TV to try to just burn some time down and ended up rewatching Bojack Horseman.

To anyone familiar with the series they probably can see the very obvious parallels, but I started thinking about how I’m a bit difficult to love. The other day I hung out with a good friend, and afterward, we got lunch. At one point she asked me what I was going to do for my birthday. (I need to preface all of this with the statement that I think there is a good chance she also reads this, so I am writing somewhat with that lens in mind.) It made me incredibly happy to think about how someone wanted to celebrate my birthday, but it also worried me a lot. I don’t really know what I want. I feel like I never really got experience with people celebrating anything of mine like this, so I don’t really have any inherent craving for it. Or I guess to be more clear, I have that longing, but I also feel terrified at the thought of it. I feel like no matter what the chance of me crying on my birthday is decent. I don’t want to drag anyone else down with that whole depressing shit, so I feel like I’d rather just go through it alone. I really feel like it’s not that bad, it’s just how life is. I just hate the thought of making someone else sad or uncomfortable.

It’s all shit like that. Someone could tell me they like spending time around me, and it just gently scrapes the hardened shell I have around that thought. I feel like it must be exhausting to have to deal with that. I have a picture of a quote saved on my phone somewhere where it says “I hope loving me isn’t the hardest thing anyone has to do”. I think about it in times like this. Might as well start the CBT now

Situation: I have certain issues which make it hard for other people to intimately interact with me.

Thoughts: I should do other people a favor and make the decision for them to not interact with me.

Feelings: I feel sad, unloveable, and alone.

Behavior: I self-isolate, sabotage relationships, and stunt my development.

A more reasonable thing -

Thoughts: Everyone has issues. These are some of mine, and I am also working on them. In reality, this is just me being a bit more awkward around certain topics, which is fairly harmless. And on top of it, think about the people you know and love – look at all the issues they have. The good outweighs the bad easily. I love them.

Feelings: I feel like I’m not some outlier of a horrible person.

Behavior: I love, receive love, and grow as a person.

I hope you feel better tomorrow. Love you man. ♥

I feel happy today, but I also feel frustrated. I don’t like having to take my foot off the gas, I’ve taken the last two days off exercising to let my body heal, and today I went easy at the gym. I finished all of my homework for my classes, and so I’m basically just waiting till my next assignments come out. I hate this limbo of not doing anything, I feel like I always need that external motivation.

I talked in therapy today about how hitting 225 didn’t feel as great as I thought it would. I genuinely think I was happier whenever I failed 225 before. I think it boiled down to my fear of being perceived I guess. The day I hit it, I was with a friend I love spending time with. They’re one of the only people I want to go to the gym with – but I also felt somewhat pressured. They didn’t do anything, but I felt that pressure of not wanting to scare anyone or freak anyone out by being expressive. I don’t know if anyone I know will ever see how I behave in my car when I believe I’m alone. I wish I was that person around others, but I don’t know if that level of energy is appropriate.

I think the only way that could ever be seen was if I genuinely was caught off guard, or if someone had set that precedent to let me be that person. But even then, I don’t know if it would be performative or not.

I told my therapist I had a plan. I am going to go back to the gym, and try to hit 225 again – and after it, I will gently let out a bit of that pent-up celebration. I think I want to also go to the greenhouse behind my house and scream and truly celebrate. I think I value my achievements, but because I’ve never learned how to be happy for them they mean nothing to me. Sometimes I think about Matthias Steiner’s 2008 gold medal, and I feel like he’s more real of a person than I am. I don’t know if any emotion I’ve felt has come close to that. I chase that feeling I’ve never had. I wonder if any achievement will even give it to me or if I need to change something about myself to feel that joy.

Situation: I hit 225

Thoughts: I could think instantly about how I don’t want to make anyone else feel self-conscious, and I don’t want to make anyone else feel worse about their achievements or goals.

Feelings: I stay fully in my head, and I don’t even for a second think about me hitting my own achievement.

Behavior: I feel nothing, and I shoot myself in the foot in the name of excessive consideration.

It feels pretty obvious writing it out like that

Thoughts: I did it. I fucking did it. When I first tried lifting, it took me several months to be able to lift the 45 lb bar. Statistics on weightlifters say that the intermediate level for my weight and age is 209 lbs. The intermediate level is after at least two years of lifting. It was 6 months for me. SIX FUCKING MONTHS! I know I want to discount my own achievement by saying it’s genetics, but those same genetics were in a weightlifting class for months before I could lift the bar. I have been incredibly disciplined, and have worked incredibly hard to get where I am. This success is due to my own work and determination.

Feelings: I feel proud finally. I feel good about it. When I started lifting, I told myself I would make this personal – I would stick to this and work hard at it. If I didn’t do this, I would kill myself as I simply don’t have the willpower to do anything in life that doesn’t come naturally to me. I proved to myself how mentally strong I am.

Behavior: I feel good. I feel fucking good.

Finally. Enjoy the sweetness of that fruit you planted. Love you man ♥

I was fairly depressed for a while, but I think I’m finally back to being myself. I had a good amount of bad things happen, and I knew I wanted to believe a rainbow would come. I don’t think anything exceptional has happened, and it’s felt like finding 5 things to write down that made me happy each day has been a bit artificial.

But at the same time is it not a beautiful thing that I’m not depressed? I have my relative health, I have my dad, my friends, and Hash. Fuck it, maybe that’s a good enough rainbow for me. I saw something today while listening to an old song, and I wished there was some way to create it without butchering it into a cringy, shameful mess.

There’s a remix of a song I like, and it changes the genre of the song in an unexpected twist, into an intensely euphoric song. I was driving back home from getting groceries, and in my imagination saw colors split from the world. I saw geometric shapes come up out of the floor, almost like a wireframe topological map of the ground coming out. It felt like reality shifted a bit, and for a moment the only thing there was the song. Everything moved in time with the beats, and it took on an otherwordly blue/purple tint. I felt such an intense emotion. Every hair on my arm stood up. For a bit, that was the only thing that existed.

Things like this pick me up out of monotony and make me feel like there’s something else other than day-to-day life. I remember around a year ago I had a dream – I don’t often dream, maybe once every few months. In this dream, the only thing I still remember was a girl with eyes so intensely fixed on me. I felt both love, but also like I was actually being observed for once. I felt like they were seeing every part of who I was, past just the one-dimensional view tailored toward other people.

When I woke up, something was different from then. I told myself to never forget those eyes. Oh God, how real they were. I think that may be the meaning of life – I just have no clue what it was. But oh God.

Situation: I am two sides of the same coin.

Feelings: I feel depressed. I am not in control of my life, and things just happen to me. I end up in the same cycle, and the same circle every time.

Thoughts: What else can I do? I am doomed to the same patterns over and over again. I become myself again and again.

Behavior: I was going to say nothing changes, but no. Things get worse.

It could always land on its side:

Feelings: I feel emotion. I feel anger, rage, sadness, euphoria all at the same time. Call me a Borzoi dog, because I will make it mine.

Thoughts: That’s the life I’ve always longed for. I will make it mine.

Behavior: 59 seconds was all it took to do the impossible. That’s how long the first flight was. I think it’s impossible for me to break this cycle, but everything’s impossible until it happens. There is not a single thing I have put my mind to that I have not done. The only thing that matters is if I want it or not, and god damn do I want it. I want it more than anything else.

Love you. ♥

Hey. It’s again 2 a.m. I wanna sleep pretty damn badly. I went kinda sicko mode on my project, I just said fuck it and restarted from scratch. I don’t know what to CBT about, but I so desperately want to stick to this, if not for me but for my therapist’s sake.

Situation: Girl at martial arts seems like she’s into me.

Thoughts: I can be reading into things, and regardless I can come up with reasons why it won’t work.

Feelings: I kinda feel like a coward

Behavior: I end up not getting any extra experience, and I handicap myself in the future.

but-

Thoughts: This is even easier than someone random, you have positive signs. Might as well use it as a learning experience if nothing else.

Feelings: Yeah ur right lmao, but it’s still scary.

Behavior: In the least, I’ll flirt back a bit more, and who knows maybe I’ll ask them on a date or something.

I’m tired dude. I’m hoping your MCL is fine, and your back feels better soon cause damn that bitch hurting. Love ya you goof ♥

It’s 2 am. I’m tired, my knee is killing me when I move, my left lat flares up, and my entire body is hurting. Let me sleep.

Situation: I stop doing this daily CBT again

Thoughts: yay. sleep

Feelings: honk, mimimimi

Behavior: maybe brain feel more sad, little more sleep

or

Thoughts: thug it out and just do something to keep habit

Feelings: tired sad in short term maybe happier

Behavior: sleepy but stick to it

guh ♥

Earlier today I went and got lunch with a friend, and we talked about some things we should have talked about a while ago. Things ended up boiling over fairly heavily in that group, and it was an unnecessarily ugly thing. It was a very stressful thing to build up to, but the talk itself was incredibly natural and important to have. I noticed, immediately after that talk, I felt like myself again. I no longer felt depressed. I saw a Kia Sorento and genuinely screamed for joy.

I am a big fan of the smoke detector theory of depression. I think I’ve been very depressed for a while because of that, but I think as I get more experience with this consciously.

Today I hung out with two friends I haven’t seen in a while. With a great friend who recently graduated, we ended up playing ping pong and then going on a 4.5-hour walk. I’m exhausted, but I had a fantastic day. I’m honestly fairly mentally gone, so I am just going to quickly crank out a CBT for consistency’s sake.

Situation: I hold internalized resentment towards being Indian.

Thoughts: I can be upset that this is something I can’t change, or wish to somehow be able to change it.

Feelings: I feel insecure and powerless, and ultimately I wish I could somehow change this.

Behavior: I may complete this self-fulfilling prophecy, and also end up sabotaging myself in future situations.

Alternatively -

Thoughts: It ain’t that deep lol. This is more something I’ve internalized rather than something that is widespread or commonly thought of. This only really has the power I give it, and even if it is the case in real life whatever I just move on lol.

Feelings: I feel more confident, and I just accept that it be like that sometimes.

Behavior: I am more of a big chiller, and I can just accept it and move on. This way I let go of a lot of the negatives while keeping the positives of being Indian.

It be like that sometimes lmao, luv you

Heyo. I’m pretty tired, what about you? I went ahead and had two huge conversations regarding issues people have. That shit is exhausting, not to mention an anxiety attack not-so-neatly packaged up in several thousands of characters.

I’m pretty tired already so I don’t want to write too much, but I did want to journal a bit about a fairly cringe way I look at life:

Situation: I have some issues in relationships, and I can go out of my way and put in a lot of effort to try to open communication. This takes a big toll on me, and it isn’t always something I feel is reciprocated.

Thoughts: I could think how this is unfair, and how it is frustrating how for something that we both benefit from, I have to do the heavy lifting.

Feelings: I feel frustrated, I feel upset, and I feel like I am being unfairly treated. I also would feel resentment, as I would think things aren’t right.

Behavior: I would end up with more of a strain on myself than is necessary, and I would probably harbor resentment towards any sort of relationship because of this.

I think a more reasonable thing:

Thoughts: I am putting in this effort for my own sake. That’s it. The other person also does benefit, but I am doing this for me.

Feelings: I feel still tired, but I feel like this is now an act of self-care rather than something I am doing for someone else.

Behavior: I can probably do this more sustainably, and if this turns out to be more than I think is worth for myself, then I am comfortable stopping it.

---

(I don’t think this person is going to read this, but on the off chance the person I JUST texted thinks this is a subtweet at them, it is not)

I wrote on my graduation cap “It was for me”, if I remember correctly. The things I do can be appropriately selfish, I don’t need to do things for other people.

Stay strong, love you, Suman. ♥

Hey me. Today I had therapy again, and something she told me to do was to try to do CBT every day of this week. This is me trying to stay to that, along with my own steps for my mental health.

I’m a bit stressed about being a TA, especially since I don’t know the course material. I haven’t really kept up with any of the lectures or anything like that, so I’m always worried I don’t know the material enough to help out, but I still am able to, since the labs are fairly separate. Oh well.

I’m also a bit worried about how I’m perceived. I think it’s a bit strange that I do stuff like write on this blog, all while it’s linked to my social media accounts. I’m glad I don’t have this tied to more “normal” social media. I think I’m a fairly strange person, and that’s something I’m weirdly proud of. I don’t like the idea of being someone who fits a mold. I think it’s a fairly cringy thing when I mention it, but for me, it’s more I don’t like the norm. I have no issue conforming, but I would rather be someone who is violently open to life. I want to live unapologetically, as someone who isn’t afraid to love and live openly.

Something my sister wrote in her description of herself for the US Presidential Scholars award was how she was “unapologetically smart”, and I think that was something that fundamentally changed how I saw life. I fell in love with those words – I find that’s something I have tried to remind myself again and again.

I find the most common place I lie is because I don’t want other people to feel bad. I don’t know if this is because of my own issues with that, or because I’m short-sighted and don’t see how that can backfire eventually. I don’t really know how to answer questions sometimes. Today a friend asked me how many pull-ups I could do, and I answered maybe two. I think I could probably do like four, which really isn’t much of an improvement – but I still somewhat lied as I didn’t want to diminish their potential achievements. I did immediately feel weird afterward, as they mentioned how my progress with the gym may not equate to strength directly – and they refined this thought in a different way but that weirdly stuck with me.

I thought later about if I would rather be underestimated, or overestimated. I realized throughout my life I always consider myself to be underestimated, but I think that’s because of how I constantly present myself. I always have a faux-humility around my talents or skills, as I partially want people to underestimate me deep down. I’m afraid of disappointing people I think. I also want to be able to fuel my ego by being more than what people think. It helps feed that fantasy of being underestimated, and having that grand triumph of finally revealing it, like some weird anime-esque moment. It’s weird to mention my flaws so openly, but it just feels natural.

I guess in the theme of just rambling, I feel weird whenever people mention I’m ‘brave’ or anything of that sort regarding being open with this blog. I can’t help but think it’s a somewhat condescending way of mentioning judgment in a socially acceptable way. I don’t think this is something good, to post such intimate things constantly in such a public way. I wouldn’t be surprised if people have talked about this behind my back, or if this has put people off. But at the same time, I don’t really know if that would be something I care about too much. I have my own selfish reasons for having this blog, but part of me also doesn’t expect anyone to read this so I have the freedom to write whatever.

I struggle with this in texts, conversations, calls, and everything else of the sort. I feel like I’m too much of a person. I have a lot of things you could argue are repressed, and so when I get an avenue to display them I overdo it. I like using the analogy of someone on a deserted island, who finally gets a potato. Ideally, they would plant the potato, and that way they can grow enough to live off of. If they’ve been hungry long enough, nothing can stop them from just eating the potato there and then – eventually dooming them again. I feel like this is the same with a lot of social things. Coming into ‘real’ life, I had so many things neglected, and I was starving for them so badly. When I got a taste of them, I never would think I could have it again, and I would overdo it. I’ve had to very consciously regulate myself around these things, and now I’m no longer starving. But those learned patterns are still there. This blog is cathartic to me, as I don’t expect anyone to read it. It does make me happy in some ways when I hear that people read it once in a while, but also I don’t want anyone to feel like they have to keep up with it. This way I have the freedom to be myself, with negligible fear of being too much.

God, I haven’t really talked in a while, have I? I have so much to tell you. It’s been a while since I’ve really thought about anything – hasn’t it? I’ve been pretty depressed for a while. It’s been kinda rough, especially with all of the other symptoms you know too well. But I think things are getting a bit better. I set my status a bit ago about how I hoped the rainbow would be beautiful; the whole thought of after the worst moments great things happen feels flawed. The last few times something horrible has happened, nothing great has come after it. But after all, isn’t being alive something great? It’s a gift to have Hash, my bed, and my (relative) health. I have a lot more to tell you, but it’s getting a bit late so let me do some CBT and go to bed.

Situation: I am worried about my future, as I don’t know how it will go. There are so many things that could go wrong, specifically for making friends.

Thoughts: I could think that because I can’t foresee it, it won’t happen. This fundamentally comes from the thought that everything good must come from my direct actions and planning.

Feelings: I would feel pretty damn hopeless. I would get more depressed I think, as I don’t have much optimism for the future without a concrete plan.

Behaviors: I mentioned getting more depressed, but I also wouldn’t put myself in the situations to make new friends, as I see it as something out of my control, as I can’t plan for it.

A less naive view:

Thoughts: It’s incredibly vain to think that I have control over everything in my life. Try to think about how many things have significantly changed my life arguably for the better that were at no planning of my own. The most I can do is put myself in positions for things like this and keep an optimistic view of life. I am not in fine control, but I can steer my life towards the one I want.

Feelings: I feel both less in control, and more at the same time. Funny how that works. I feel a bit more optimistic about life at the same time. I also weirdly feel like I either make more friends, and I’m happy, or the time passes and I don’t even miss it.

Behaviors: I think I am fundamentally more secure and content with life this way. I feel a bit more in touch with life, and less like a control freak who blames themselves for things out of my control.

I love you. That’s it. Unconditionally, 92 til infinity. Love you Sumna ♥