In 7th grade my girlfriend told me that she was sexually assaulted by her close friend. I remember listening to her, and trying to comfort her. I did everything I could to make her more comfortable.
I used to also think of myself as an emotional punching bag, where I planned to just help as many people as I could and eventually just kill myself so the emotional burden goes with me. Obviously that was wrong, and parts of that have changed – but other parts haven't.
I find everything that hurts me is a byproduct of love. And I think that's an amazing thing. I'm glad I'm someone who loves freely. I think about that woman's last words “God, it was so fun. It was just so much fun.” One day this will all be over. And not just in death. One day in the future my lungs may not work the same, or I may be injured. And I won't be able to scream in the car like I do now. I don't want to miss it, I don't even necessarily want to enjoy it more. I just want to be glad I had all these experiences.
I think being unnecessarily nice is the key to life in a way. I'm almost crying thinking about the most mundane acts of strangers kindness. I will never forget the random man online who got some taxes back, and offered to buy me fraise on transformice. I never had met him before. I did nothing to deserve it. I'm crying in my car writing this right now. He expected really nothing. I don't think he had a good job, or a conventionally good life. But I think of that nameless person as a hero for me. I sat there staring at my screen as a kid thinking about how that was the only person who gave me a gift like that. That was unconditional love. He didn't even ask to friend me, he did it and was ready to leave. That's just love. I don't know if I can ever explain how much that person changed me. Something about a complete stranger doing something completely selfless. It's just love. It's love. It's love. It's all love. That $10 somehow made me feel like for every night I had sat alone crying, that there were people all around me who cared. I just never had met them. I don't think I've ever been alone since that moment, because I subconsciously knew people care no matter what.
I don't think anything could hurt without love being there first. Even in a vacuum, that pain is a beautiful thing. Seeing and remembering all of that pain isolated, and still being willing to do it again. That's a beauty more than the cosmos to me.
SB hacks ended, we lost by 0.03 of a std. We got unlucky with the judges we got. I just slept for the first time in a while. My heads pretty quiet, so the things I think aren't loud, but they're heard very clear.
I gave two chances again. Both were failed. I'm sad. More at myself for constantly putting effort and giving chances. How do I always find myself putting in more. I know what I want and what I expect but I can't advocate for it.
The more things I see the less I know. I don't even know what question I'd ask God.
I had a bad first half of my day today, and weirdly enough everything that happened was no reason to be sad. I hit 215x3 paused, which is way more than before and still felt upset because I thought I could do 4. I also saw a friend and felt some concerns rear their ugly head back. I also was weak on every single exercise. All of these problems are fully logical and nothing to be upset about.
I coped by doing calf raises, specifically 60,000lbs of them. I finally did 400x20! I also ran .7 mi, and I didn't have any pain this time.
When I had physical therapy they suggested to do calf raises, and I started at like 130. Near the middle of summer I hit 310 and was so happy I ran over to said friend to tell them. Today I only told Lilac. It's a shame, I even sent the proud message to other friends but deleted it soon after. I started off way behind and now I'm ahead, but to me I'm the same. Before I could share achievements and friends would be proud of me, but now I'm worried they think I'm showing off or bragging. It's no fair.
I wish someone would get hyped for me. I hope I can hit 1k within a year. That would be one of the biggest achievements of my life I think. I wonder if S would help me bake a pie if I can do it. I'm so grateful for them being supportive of me, but I'm afraid to say things I'm proud of for fear of them thinking I'm bragging. God I think I'm just being stupid. I cannot wait till they hit a plate.
I had an acquaintance see me at the gym and say that I inspire him to stick to the gym, and also how his gym friend gifted him a skin to make him go. He said he knew telling me I inspire him would motivate me more.
I weirdly hated hearing it. With this person I've given them so many opportunities and resources and they've consistently given up and chosen the easy way out. I realized how much I hate seeing people who dont do what they need to do. I guess the counterpoint is I love when I see people who want something bad enough. I guess I want that more in me also.
I sometimes feel like I yap on this blog just to hide the posts I have whenever I struggle with something or write things actually vulnerable. I feel pretty worried about all the random people I know in real life who may stumble across this. I don’t think that any random person I meet should care enough to consistently look at this – but I still do have the fear that some of the people I interact with a good amount on Discord with look at this. Oh well, I think I’ve only gotten good responses or neutral responses regarding this. I originally really expected a lot more harassment or jokes, but I am uncomfortably surprised that they never came. Oh well. I’m pretty tired from working for a while so I’m going to go to sleep. Goodnight me!
If I cried my dad would hit me until I stopped, while yelling at me to stop crying. My mom would watch in approval. I still can't cry around anyone. When I come close to crying I shut down. Even when I'm alone. If I come close to crying around someone, I turn into the kid being hit and it all goes quiet.
I feel self-loathing for several different reasons. I set up traps for other people, and when they inevitably don’t do things I use it to confirm the horrible things depression makes me believe.
I couldn’t help but remember as a child how it didn’t matter what I felt – at a relatively young age, I learned to bottle it up and permanently appease my Mom. I had no control, the only choice I had was to make her feel better at whatever cost to myself. Either that, or she didn’t talk, look, or touch anyone for months over singular small issues. One time my dad texted back “ok” in response to a text about there being a rain storm in San Diego since he was rushing to a meeting while in Asia. Because of that, she wouldn’t acknowledge that we existed for 6 months, even after he came back. We had nothing to do with it. She started ignoring us without us even knowing what happened. We had to borrow a phone to call our dad internationally to tell him we were freaking out because no one would take us home from school. They also policed us so much that we weren’t able to have friends over, go over to friends, hang out, or anything like that. So we were fully alone. We did nothing. I couldn’t intercept that problem and appease my mom there since it was a private text. That’s when it really solidified that if I did not sacrifice myself to be her emotional punching bag, no one else would. And we would all be in hell.
It’s so hard for me to advocate for myself. All it takes is a moment for me to remember my burden as a child. And it all comes rushing back.
It weirdly felt like spite, or anger as a result of a challenge. All I hear in my head is someone looking down on me, and all I see is a reason to prove myself. Give it a week, a month, or a year and you’ll be reminded why things are the way they are.
I think I’m in a comfortable enough place to have the freedom to step away freely. My current plan of action is to stop putting in the extra effort I typically do and see if any initiative comes from them. If not then it is what it is – I think everything is much more tolerable if I properly regulate my expectations mentally for what the friendship is.
I’m incredibly thankful for the consistent friends I have, I just got off playing games with some friends and I also got to see a close friend again today in person. I like the feeling of people wanting to interact with me without me having to chase them down – I guess I’m thankful for everything as I now understand how important that is for me.
“The poison of loneliness and the gnawing envy of the unlonely had gone out of him, and his person was clean and sweet, and he knew it was. He dredged up an old hatred to test himself, and he found the hatred gone.”
I was reading East of Eden the other night, and I saw a problem that I struggle with. I wanted to know what John Steinbeck had in his omnipotence for writing this book, on what to do about it. I think this section answered that.
I think truly listening in all meanings of the word would fix it. I think if they could just understand, and acknowledge what happened all of the poison would go away.
I sent a text to my mom just now. My eyes are watering a bit. I don't think it was easy for her at all to put away her defenses and accept responsibility for what she did. Imagine hurting your children for years, and facing the consequences for that later. It took my mom's mom committing suicide to get her to change. She told me how they got in a fight, and because her mom was too stubborn she didn't tell my mom to come before she commit suicide. I don't know if I'll be able to forget seeing my mom cry while telling me how much bad her mom did to her. She didn't want to be the villain to us anymore, and she went out of her way to push for a conversation that must rip her apart. She begged me to tell her about the bad things she did from my point of view. Every thing I said was like a dagger in her heart. But she did it for me. She loved me enough to face that pain to make up for her shortcomings.
I don't know if E can do that in this stage of life. I almost pray they haven't had any reason to learn that yet. But I sure wish they did.