An Open Letter

I ended up picking her up from the bus station a bit ago, and we got in and out afterward. It ended up being a weird little first date I guess.

I don’t like how I’ve been doing this journaling + CBT right before I sleep, as it always feels rushed. I wonder if it’s becoming something I feel forced to do. I don’t think it is, and I think it’s good for my mental health so I’ll try to continue with it. That being said, I’m keeping this one incredibly short.

Situation: She was pretty awkward first time I met her in person for various reasons, and as a result I was a bit awkward too.

Thoughts: This is just what it is.

Feelings: I feel conflicted, as it definitely wasn’t incredibly comfortable.

Behavior: Generalize this to future dates

Thoughts: we explicitly went into this with that context, since it was late at night and we both weren’t really presentable. It still wasn’t bad!

Feelings: I feel like the pressure of “first date” is off now, so tomorrow’s date should go smoother.

Behavior: Less pressure on me, things went fine – I am chilling.

I’m pretty tired and a bit confused, this is relatively uncharted territory for me. Oh well! Love you Anshuman ♥

Oopsie. Put this bad boy off again, and here I am. This time I'm in my bed writing this on my phone. Sorry! I'll try to be better and maybe do this earlier in the day.

Near the end of the day I know I usually get depressed, and that's just a chemical thing. I think it's pretty good for introspection still.

This month is NNN, and I can't believe that I have had 3 girls want to break that. Good Lord, since when does that shit happen. I wonder if it's because I've gotten more attractive, or if that's placebo and it's just confidence. I still feel afraid of a lot of things. Oh well, for another day. I guess I'm still figuring out if I feel comfortable talking about sex stuff here.

Situation: Have a date on Tuesday, don't know their level of commitment or investment

Thoughts: feel like I have to interview and secure this, they're the one in power with options.

Feelings: I feel stressed, nervous, anxious and overall like this is transactional

Behavior: I self sabotage, and reinforce toxic views on relationships internally.

Thoughts: women are just like me fr. I also am a big catch, so I am not worried if I don't find anyone right now and then. I'm completely content being single and happy with that, and so I'm under no pressure. I also firmly believe later in life I will have no issues getting a relationship.

Feelings: I feel more in control about things, and also feel more secure overall.

Behavior: I don't sweat thing as much, and I don't feel pressured into anything since I'm fine with any outcome. I'm free.

Love you. Sorry for being abrupt right now, I'll update properly later. Love you forever and always Suman ❤️

Shame this one is rushed, it’s freezing, and I wanna go to bed super badly. I’ll reflect on today later, but today was a lot better than I thought.

I didn’t get any presents, but I was still happy. A friend invited me over and we drank and had a great time watching movies and messing around. They ordered dominos, and wouldn’t let me pay them back. I’m going to take that as my present. I’m so glad I met them.

I feel like I’ve gotten a lot more distant with my friend who’s doing study abroad, but I also don’t think that’s something that’s realistically in my control. I think they have to figure out what they want because right now is what they want, but I think they don’t like it.

I’m in a position where I don’t rely on anyone, and it frees me a lot. I’m super grateful for my online friends, they’ve been with me through everything. I’m also glad my birthday/thanksgiving is over. Hopefully, Christmas isn’t too rough this year.

Situation: Birthday wasn’t fully alone

Thoughts: I can find things to make me upset, and reinforce the idea that I am alone.

Feelings: I feel sad, alone, and depressed.

Behavior: I am miserable for no reason

Thoughts: I had a good night. People care about me, and someone cares enough to make sure I wasn’t alone on my birthday. This is what I wished for.

Feeling: I feel like happy crying, and I feel loved.

Behavior: I feel good, and I have more hope for the future.

Love you. Hope 22 treats you well. Goodnight big ♥

Gonna have to keep this short since I don’t want to be awake for midnight. I’m feeling less depressed, I talked with friends, and one of them even went out of their way to make sure we would do something together! Maybe this year won’t be as bad. Also, the friend who asked about my T-shirt size mentioned how they had a secret present they wanted to see my reaction to in person, and I feel like they actually care.

I’m not used to having people care about my birthday, this is a weird feeling. I was thinking about that quote:

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. — Rumi

Maybe I am loved?

Situation: Birthday is tomorrow

Thoughts: I want to self-isolate, and throw a pity party for myself. I want to self-sabotage myself as much as possible so that I can justify how depressed I am around my birthday. I want pity, and I also don’t want anyone to know.

Feelings: I feel absolutely and utterly miserable.

Behavior: I self-sabotage, and make myself depressed unnecessarily.

Thoughts: It doesn’t have to be something depressing, I can enjoy my birthday.

Feelings: I feel scared, but also more at peace. Maybe everything will be ok.

Behavior: I don’t self-sabotage, and start to unlearn this pattern of getting horribly depressed around this time.

I’m scared, but that’s how I know I’m growing. Love you Suman, have a happy birthday tomorrow ♥

I was thinking about why I don't feel comfortable talking about how I struggle with mental health with some people, but with others I feel comfortable doing it. I think it fully just boils down too knowing that the other person has been in similar situations, and they feel comfortable telling you about it.

With the person that I'm talking to now, they've opened up about some stuff, and have been comfortable talking about difficult moments and things they're struggling with. With some other friends, I don't feel that way. I can't really think of any times they've reached out for support the way they mention it's fine for me to.

I feel like inherently I can't trust this, because I'll always have the fear that I am being too much for them. If someone also opens up to me and does similar things, I'm not afraid of burdening them with my issues because it's a two-way street.

I think vulnerability is necessary for internet connection.

A friend asked me how my Thanksgiving was, and I told them I wouldn't say. It was fucking miserable, but that's my cross to bear – no one else's. Holidays are a time for people to be happy, and I refuse to let my circumstances ruin that for anyone else.

I can deal with this shit alone, and anyway it will be over soon enough. I signed up for a week guest pass at golds gym, since the rec cen is closed. I don't know if it's safe for me to, but I think I'm going to go for a PR on my birthday, no matter what. I need at least something to look forwards to I think.

Ive been sleeping at 4-5am recently, but I think today I'm going to try to sleep before midnight. I don't wanna be awake when my birthday starts, as that's normally when people get spammed with happy birthday texts but I don't think I'll get any, so I'd rather not be disappointed. I was thinking of keeping my phone off the entire day, but Shaco remembered my birthday and I don't want him to be worried about me.

Heyo, I’m gonna keep this a bit short as I don’t really have much to say. I’m looking forward to this weekend being over.

I still haven’t figured out what I was going to do for my birthday, I wanted to go get another $20 massage, but that was pretty much it. Don’t know what else I’d do tbh.

Situation: I get ghosted

Thoughts: D: I am going to die alone or something boo hoo

Feelings: :((((

Behavior: This is an absolute bastardization of CBT, my therapist probably woke up from her sleep upset for an unknown reason

Thoughts: I think when stuff like that happens, it’s always more a reflection of that person compared to yourself.

Feelings: :| :)

Behavior: it be like that, I will live completely fine.

:D Love you man ♥

IV is pretty desolate today, almost all the food places are closed. I slept for 6 hours during the day because I just wanted the time to pass, and when I woke up I was hungry and wanted some kind of Thanksgiving dinner. Even McDonald’s was closed, and not a single food place was open.

I don’t like being such a negative person, but I don’t know how I’m not supposed to be upset and resentful towards others during the holiday season. I’m pretty jealous of people who have a family they want to go back to. Hell, even a Friendsgiving would be amazing, but everyone I know is going back to their families.

I’m pretty envious of people who have family. People they text, see, interact with, and who ultimately love them. The only time my family really comes up is when I’m in therapy nowadays. My dad’s the only person I really have a relationship with, and we send maybe a text about very practical stuff once a week. He’s never really been the kind of person to talk about anything, so our relationship is a very formal one. I don’t interact with my mom or sister at all.

I wish I didn’t have to spend this time alone year after year. I’m tired of it. I was thinking today while hungry about how maybe when I’m older and married I’ll finally be able to celebrate the holidays, as I’ll have a family then.

Man, I talked with my therapist today about the surprisingly shared experience of hitting it off with someone intensely and then not talking again. After talking with this girl, I was mentally prepared to not interact with her again. This time, I was happy with the experience, and I didn’t have the expectation of more, or the entitlement either.

She ended up texting again, and we’re texting right now. I really enjoy talking to her, and it’s very nice to be able to indulge the side of me I can’t show to platonic friends. Man, this shit is like a drug.

I think I’ve journaled enough, judging how I vented earlier today – I do wanna say after getting that out of my system and blasting Great Lakes by Cleopatrick enough times while scream-singing, I felt a lot better. I’m a bit worried about how people IRL see my blog, and I want to reinforce the idea of how this is meant as the opposite of traditional social media. I am incredibly vulnerable and I talk about my struggles a lot here, but this is not a representation of I how am holistically, just my bad parts. Huzzah!

Situation: The idea of sex stresses me out due to relatively recent things

Thoughts: Time to avoid sex for as long as I can!

Feelings: I feel not directly stressed, but also this makes the stress around sex worse and worse.

Behavior: I make the issue worse, as it remains mental and it builds on itself the longer I enable it.

Thoughts: It only has as much power as I give it. If someone without a dick can have great sex, there’s nothing physically restricting me either.

Feelings: I feel anxious, but also a bit free. I also feel like I’m addressing a big problem.

Behavior: I have sex again, and I start to unlearn this fear.

Man I am fucking PETRIFIED! 🥳 Good luck dude, and remember that I love you Suman. Happy early birthday! ♥

I instead went and parked almost a block away, just in case I cry so that I'd have some privacy at least.

A close friend asked me what tshirts size I was, and I'm pretty sure that was what they plan to get me for my birthday. I'll feel pretty bad if they see this, but I need to write this down somewhere. I think if I just get some joke T-shirt that will shatter me.

I thought about it, and I think I'd rather get nothing for my birthday compared to a random impersonal gift. It's not because it's a bad present, or anything like that – but I think I'll mentally equate it to the fact that that's all I am to them. For their birthday, I got several incredibly personal and sentimental gifts. I spent a while trying to learn how to make a collage and printed them a poster with all of their artwork I could find, and several other things.

I remember thinking about it around then when they mentioned getting me a birthday present how if it was a drawing of me how I'd be kinda sad. I thought about why, and to me it was because it would feel like that's more them than me. Art like that isn't really my thing, so I would feel like they didn't really think about what I'd like but rather what they'd like. It all boils down to the feeling like they don't understand me.

I think I'd rather have that than some joke T-shirt any day though. I feel like an ungrateful piece of shit for thinking these things, but I think I'd rather they forget to get me anything than something like that. At least this way I could believe that they would know me, but that they just forgot.

I think I enjoyed the birthdays my parents forgot more than the ones where they tried getting me some random gift, usually things I can't even use. The last present I got for my birthday was a Zelda shirt from target from my sister. I've never played Zelda, and the shirt was way too small for me anyway. She ended up keeping it.

I think I'd rather be forgotten than finding out someone doesn't know me the way I know them. I don't want to feel that alone ever again. I wish I could just skip my birthday.