An Open Letter

Hey me. To be fully honest, I feel like shit right now. I just moved into my new apartment for the year, and anxiety has been making me its bitch. I started to write down a list of things going wrong, but I ended up deleting them because frankly, it isn’t that bad. I still feel like shit though. I walked around the field behind my apartment for a while trying to figure out some things, as maybe working on some issues of mine would help me to feel better. It sucks that time is the main cure here, and there’s not much I can do for a bit except just ride out the storm.

One thing I was working on today during a walk was a deep dive into an insecurity I’ve had since childhood. This was all spurred on by a close friend who mentioned how a D1 athlete asked them out, and how they were flattered. Honestly, even after processing things and trying to learn more about it it still kinda does feel bad, and that’s fully due to my own issues – not at all because of them. I also am glad they did mention it, I really do value that even though it stirs up insecurity on my end, as I get to better figure out issues I hold and I can start to address them.

Now that being said, one route I went down was on how I felt envious of her having people show interest in her. I know that it also is a disproportionate comparison, as she is a woman, and I am a man – and with heteronormative standards women are pursued, not the other way around. I guess that’s a good point to start some CBT with.

Situation: Female friend receiving attention from D1 male athlete, with them asking her out.

Thoughts: I am undesirable, as I have not been asked out like that. I am still the kid who people couldn’t be attracted to, and they were right all along.

Feelings: Miserable, hopeless, unattractive, lonely, pathetic, and ultimately like a piece of filth.

Behavior: Lose confidence, body image issues again, reject any potential for intimacy, isolate myself from people, and harbor resentment toward others.

Now without the tried and false thought pattern (haha):

Thoughts: There are several things to unpack here:

1. This was one example she mentioned – I have also been asked out by my ex-GF.

2. She is a woman, and in our heteronormative culture, men are not asked out. The fact that I WAS asked out should mean even more!

3. I only very recently had a huge glow-up, and so I haven’t even got to test out how that goes

4. I have had numerous people want to, and have sex with me due to my appearance and body – not my personality. That is quite literally someone finding me desirable

5. I am an Indian man at a very white school, she is a white woman. There is something to say there.

Feelings: I honestly feel pretty silly for believing such an irrational thought, just to continue the narrative of how I’m unloveable and untouchable. I don’t feel upset at myself for this, as I know why and I get how hard it is to break apart from something reinforced into you. But also, I feel better. I feel attractive and desired. I feel like I can be loved, which does feel weird – but in a nice way!

Behavior: I have more confidence, and I want to go and pursue people. I feel like I can genuinely be happy for friends having success in this category. I feel motivated and hopeful.

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Yeah scratch all of this, a friend of a friend who doesn’t know me immediately told me to kill myself because I’m a man. She then doubled down and said how it isn’t sexism to hate men, since men cannot be oppressed, and my friend laughed about it. I know I’m just too sensitive here, but tell that to the women (plural) who sexually abused me or the countless others who were unnecessarily cruel to me, leading to my eventual suicide attempts. Tell me again how I was the monster here like my mom always told me.

I'm pretty sure this was only verbally mentioned in an exurb1a video – but my recollection of the story goes like this:

A rich man goes to a priest to ask on advice on how to do good. The priest tells him to do charity, and expect nothing in return. After a while, the man comes back and mentions how he was going to do charity but had put his name on the donation, and as a result any good he did would be tainted by the desire for accolades, and asked the priest if he would ruin the good act. The priest replied how the people receiving the charity don't care about his intentions, and just care about the support, and told the man to do it anyway.

Does it matter if I have twisted intentions as long as at the end of the day I am kind?

I dropped off a invincible squeaky toy at a friend's house, for her dog who is notorious for demolishing squeakers. I wanted that to be today's act of kindness I didn't tell others about. Honestly I felt somewhat conflicted about writing about it here, and I ended up with the cope that no one reads this and so it's essentially just a journal to myself. That being said, you should have seen how funny it was! I left the toy on their doorstep and knocked and walked away. On it I had a paper saying it was for the dog. When he opened the door, he was so confused – he just went “Hello? What? Who's there? Huh?” and just stood outside for a few seconds trying to figure out what happened. He eventually took the toy in, and I really hope Sadie enjoys it.

I felt good doing something for no validation or reward. But at the same I realized how it was still performative. I mentally couldn't get rid of the thought of him telling her mom, who tells her, who figures out it's me. It feels like a kind act becomes a convoluted plot to get admiration or respect through proxy, all while seeming humble about it. I'd like to hope this outlandish plot doesn't unfold, as I want to be able to do nice things without there being an alterior motive. But damn, I want the reward.

I thought about this too, some things I wanted to start doing this year were things like taking care of gravestones of random people, and voulenteering at a place to help the homeless. A significant part of me wants to do these as part of my gentle protest, but at the same time a small part of me hopes it eventually gets revealed somehow and people recognize how “selfless” I am. It honestly feels pretty sickening to myself that I even think that, and even worse part of me wants to avoid doing it to avoid indulging into that weird fantasy.

It's the same weird feeling as donating to a charity anonymously. Even if I had the finances to be able to do that, the idea of having zero way to prove you did something nice feels bad to me. I love the idea of donating under an alias, but that's because eventually you could show the alias is you and cash in all those kind acts. I feel like this proves to me how corrupt I am. But that being said, I don't feel corrupt when I do my small acts of kindness, where I'm truly not expecting any sort of reward or recognition for it. My line on this is blurry, and I hope I can smudge it over time to the place I want it to be, as lord knows we could use more kindness.

I'd like to be a kind person, but sometimes I don't exactly get where I end and where who I want to be seen as begins.

Hey, so as a part of a new routine I’ve been doing, I try to journal every day – along with CBT. I think I might modify this routine as I think excessively doing CBT without a reason isn’t that helpful, so I’d rather save it for the bigger thoughts I actively struggle with rather than fabricating issues. That being said, I did want to talk a bit about body dysmorphia.

Thankfully mine is very mild, as it used to be very bad – mostly in part due to my childhood of parents pointing out flaws in my appearance due to a skin condition, and mentioning how people would think I’m diseased or sickly and not want to touch me or look at me. That’s a whole bag of worms, that I realized only in hindsight was incredibly damaging. Maybe the problems started then?

I know I would try to focus on certain aspects of my body that were desirable, and I would do pretty unhealthy things to try to build up confidence and self-esteem in my body which probably isn’t the best idea to publicly post here where people I know can read this, but either way I struggled with body image a solid amount. Eventually, things did get better – mostly in part due to therapy but also because I was mostly just avoiding the issue.

A few months ago I decided to try to work on my physical appearance, from stuff like skin care, working on my body, fixing my diet, hair styling, and my sense of style with clothes. I’ve overall been happy with the changes, but with that comes its problems. Specifically with the gym, I’ve had a drastic difference with my body – where I’ve had many people comment and compliment me on it, even with random strangers mentioning it.

The weird part for me has been how in my mind I haven’t changed at all. I look at myself in the mirror, and don’t get me wrong – I do like what I see to some extent. But I also look at older pictures of me and I see the same me. And in those pictures, I don’t feel as desirable. I still see the kid who was shamed for showing skin or told was a 2/10 by close friends. I see the kid who was told was untouchable by their best friend, who was also their crush coincidentally. Being compared for almost my entire life honestly did leave its scars.

I was working out today at the gym and took a picture to send to a girl who liked seeing my body. At the same time, I saw a larger Indian guy behind me who had great arms. I still see the scars of comparison egging me to tell myself that if someone is better than me, I have nothing worth being happy about. I try to give myself compassion and recognize how these thoughts aren’t mine, but rather that of my upbringing. Still sucks. Guess it’s time for CBT.

Situation: Working out at the gym, and seeing people with different body types and bigger muscles than me.

Thoughts: These people are just more desirable than me, and I won’t be able to catch up to them. Even if I can catch up to them, I should be ashamed of my body until I get to that point, as currently it is pathetic.

Feelings: I feel ashamed, small, insecure, and ultimately unattractive. I feel pretty dejected and I feel like giving up on trying to work on my body, as there are people so much better than me. I feel unhappy.

Behavior: I will hide the body I’ve worked on from people, and also become way more insecure about it. I may also stop working out at the gym, as it becomes a sad experience for me – or potentially turn to damaging PEDs to try to get a better physique.

Now for a better approach

Thoughts: Everyone has their strengths, and there are also tradeoffs. That being said, comparison is the thief of joy. If my body looks some way, seeing another body doesn’t change that at all. There also is an aspect of survivorship bias here, where a lot of the people showing muscle at the gym are people who have great muscles already, and consistently work for them. I only recently started, and I still have ways to go. There are several people who like my body, including me! I can be happy with my body while still working for a better one.

Feelings: In a weird way, I feel proud of myself. I think it’s both pride due to fighting against something I’ve known my entire life, but also pride for the body I’ve built by working hard for almost half a year now. I feel genuine happiness for people with other body types, while also feeling secure in my own journey. I feel attractive.

Behavior: I will keep going to the gym, and also be proud of the work I’ve done and the changes I’ve gotten as a reward. I stay committed to the gym as it is something that does wonders for my mental health, along with other things. I love my body, and I’m proud of the work I’ve done. I feel happy.

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Good fuckin yard, love you Karyios.

There is a group of friends I would hang out with a ton IRL, but over the summer everyone’s been spread apart. We were supposed to play overwatch together, but because of life happening we never did. Right now I see one of them playing overwatch, even though he normally doesn’t play overwatch. He isn’t responding to my messages, and he isn’t showing up on my friends list on the game. CBT time!!!

Situation: A friend wasn’t responding to messages, and playing the game we were supposed to play together as a group.

Thoughts: They are playing without me, they don’t consider me as a friend, and don’t actually enjoy playing games with me.

Feelings: Betrayed, alone, like a loser, and that I’m doomed to be alone.

Behavior: More insecure around them, less likely to reach out or ask to play, and second guess everything they mention to me because I believe they do not want to be around me.

Now to be a bit more practical -

Thoughts: He is maybe just playing with other friends, or wanted to try it out again.

Feelings: Calm, like nothing is unreasonable, secure with friendship.

Behavior: Less likely to be cringe and get upset over something reasonable, more likely to reach out and ask to play in the future, maybe strike up a small conversation. (He also did respond, and was just trying game again).

Man, it really is that easy. Just change. Love you as always racecar E>

Kinda quick, because I forgot yesterday but have been doing better anyway!

Situation: potentially drifting apart from friend

Thoughts: Don't want to lose it, don't know if I will get it again.

Feelings: feel afraid, alone, and anxious.

Behavior: will be way more insecure around friend, will try to force it to not leave. Will not enjoy moment.

And for better:

Thoughts: enjoy the experiences I had with them, I will have more, maybe with them and maybe not.

Feelings: more in the moment, peaceful, less dependent.

Behavior: more independent, and so more secure. Not going to push person away by being clingy! Also more happy and more present.

Hey me, I wanted to say this with love:

You will never be good at guitar, singing, programming, league, or the other things you worry about also. You won't be loved like you want, you won't find that perfect soulmate or group of friends you crave. You won't find your BFF when you go talk to that person in class for the first time, nor at the activities you push yourself to do.

Isn't that liberating in the sweetest way? If you can believe that there's no more pressure to succeed or a fear of failure. Go ahead and try that feeling on, it doesn't feel as bad as it looks!

Try to carry that with you when you go push yourself out of your comfort zone and fail as many times as you can. Enjoy it!

Hey me, fancy seeing you sitting out here again! How’s it going?

For one I’m feeling much better, partially because CBT took another massive dub, as the close friend was NOT leaving me, and was not upset at me. I’m very glad that I took the time to do CBT, and really thought through my actions instead of letting the sense of impending doom motivate that false urgency. I’m feeling less depressed, but still struggling – but hey, I’m fighting it! I talked to several people today, so I’ve been doing my best to combat isolation, I spent some time doing creative stuff and caught up on some YouTube videos that made me laugh.

Speaking about the close friend, turns out I was correct with CBT – they were very busy and stressed packing – SORRY THAT WAS A WHOLE ASS-RAT THAT RAN PAST ME. I hear it rustling around. But yeah, they were just super busy with packing for Europe, and it wasn’t any reflection on our relationship as friends. I feel pretty silly in hindsight with how stressed and sick I felt, as I just kept reliving past relationships. I will say, there are still some toxic thoughts that are poisoning my sweet, summer mind but thankfully CBT tortures those thoughts into a blissful, almost orgasmic new one – so let’s go ahead and do some more, shall we?

Situation: The close friend is going to study abroad, and has mentioned how they are not one to cling onto friends past when appropriate. They also mentioned how over the summer our friendship dynamic was different, and that won’t be the same.

Thoughts: They are ready to leave me. They were only friends with me over the summer because there was no one else, and I kept bugging them to do stuff. They are going to replace me once they find someone more desirable, and any mistakes I make will only accelerate that process. I am about to be alone.

Feelings: I feel like crying, feel betrayed, feel like I need to either cling on tighter or fully distance myself first, and ultimately no matter what I am doomed to be unloved.

Behavior: I will fall into a depressive episode, I will be overly clingy to friends, and I will not be able to enjoy myself in interactions around them. I will feel like I am always walking on eggshells, as they are about to leave me, and making a mistake might be the final straw. I will feel like people do not want to actually be around me, and that I am truly unloveable. I will kill myself, NOW (insert a picture of low-tier god).

Now for a LOGICAL, and REASONING based thought:

Thoughts: She mentioned not clinging to friendships that are no longer good. Do I think I am that friendship? No. In the future may we change as people to the point where we have different friends? Yeah, but that’s not a bad thing. Also, over the summer our friendship WAS different, we had SO much more free time, and also fewer options of people to hang out with – so of course it isn’t going to be the same with life back in full swing. We both will be busier, so we aren’t going to be less of friends, we just may not spend as much time together. That time won’t be idle for me however, it will also be filled with other things! Being tied down to one person is also unhealthy, so it is a good thing for me to spread my eggs into more baskets. This all being said, they have explicitly said, and I quote: “I don’t want to lose this, and I’m going to put in the work to ensure that 💯” (from the friend). ARE YOU DAFT? THEY ARE EXPLICITLY SAYING THEY WANT TO STAY FRIENDS, AND THEY VALUE ME AS A FRIEND. YOU STUPID FUCKING GOOSE! BROTHER, WHAT ELSE DO THEY GOTTA SAY?

Feelings: Silly goose moment. I am catastrophizing for nothing, as literally NOTHING IS HAPPENING. I am not being left, life sometimes changes and that isn’t something you can change. Just because the dynamic might change a bit, doesn’t mean that suddenly I’m alone for life, or that I’m being left. Yeah, there is this feeling of dread or a falling feeling, but that is FULLY ANXIETY. Nothing bad is happening, there is no reason to ruin a wonderful relationship over someone (Anxiety) lying to me. I cannot stress enough that nothing unfairly bad is happening to me.

Behavior: Honestly, I become a big chiller. I do not need to feel horribly bad, or like a close friendship is being destroyed by my own hand. I am not a horribly insecure person, who ruins friendships at the evil whisperings of Anxiety. I do not fulfill this self-fulfilling prophecy, and nothing bad happens. I will get cool souvenirs from Scotland!

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I honestly feel pretty silly in hindsight, because I was going through a saved note of positive evidence and quite literally was slapped in the face with a direct mention of “I am not leaving, I value you as a friend”. Kinda funny how Anxiety has been trying to lie to me for the last week or so telling me how all hell is going to come crashing down, and how I need to kill myself. In my mental eye I see Anxiety having that expression of getting caught with a lie, but being so belligerent to not take accountability or finally confess while red-handed.

CBT: 4, Mental Illness: probably a lot but at least not versus CBT these last four times!

Proud of you for doing this again, good job Ithaka. Love ya man 💓

Hey me, it is currently dark outside as I sit in the backyard of my childhood home typing this. Today was kinda rough, but to be fair the last few weeks have also been pretty bad. I know I talked a lot earlier today, but I guess I started to feel my mood dipping as it gets later towards night. I guess I don’t know what I wanted to talk about, but I just wanted to say something.

I’m glad I’ve started doing CBT frequently, as that’s helped me a lot. I’ve also been doing several different affirmations and other techniques to try to work on other issues I have, but those take a lot more time and don’t show results nearly as fast. I still feel kind of depressed, which is unfortunate as earlier today I thought I had broken out of that depression.

I guess I might do a bit more CBT, as I feel still kind of sad for some reason, I guess while waiting for a friend to respond to some messages. I guess I might also quickly delve into that just to put it into writing: With a friend, we worked out a system where I can spam them with whatever I want on Discord, where there is no urgency to respond to the messages, and they aren’t really important. If I need to get their attention, or if I want a response then I send them a text. This works out, as I get to spam them with all the stuff I want to without them feeling overwhelmed or pressured to respond – while still having a method of asking important things that I want to be addressed. A bit ago I was feeling upset and using the fact that they respond slowly to my messages as evidence that they do not care for me, when I realized that ultimately this was what I explicitly told them.

Honestly, that ones on me – but it still did feel “right” to get hurt by that. But even if I logically can think about how this is fully reasonable and has no indication of anything bad, the fact that it’s 10:35 p.m. and that she hasn’t responded to my Discord messages yet. I guess ultimately I still have a lot of issues to work on, including ones about this – so I’m going to take some steps in the right direction and CBT this bad boy:

Situation: A close friend is not responding to Discord messages (which we agreed is fine to not immediately respond to).

Thoughts: She is upset at me, and ghosting me. She doesn’t want to interact with me anymore, as I’ve been overly clingy and I’ve ruined this relationship. She will slowly and progressively distance herself from me until we do not interact anymore, or she will fully ghost me as Christine did.

Feelings: More insecure, like I need to reach out for MORE reassurance, feel like she hates me or doesn’t want to interact with me again.

Behavior: This leads to a self-fulfilling prophecy, as I will isolate myself away from her and other friends more, while also reaching out to her solely for reassurance on my own insecure thoughts. This ends up with the worst of both worlds, as I stop being a good friend or someone who people want to interact with, while not making anything better for myself. I will also lose a friendship I value dearly.

Now for a better view:

Thoughts: She is respecting and utilizing the mutualistic agreement we came upon. She may not always want to text or have the time to get into a conversation, and she may value properly talking about the things I bring up rather than just quickly acknowledging them in passing. She also probably has this in a ritual or habit, where at the end of the day when she is done she goes through and texts back to the Discord messages. (She also has been good about responding to text messages!)

Feelings: I feel content. I don’t feel insecure about our friendship, and I feel like she values me as a close friend. I don’t feel the need to ask her for assurance on this, as I feel secure about the system we have going on, and that it works for BOTH of us.

Behavior: I am more lighthearted, fun, and secure overall. I do not ruin this friendship over something irrational, and I am able to stop this before I ruin this friendship. I am able to interact with them about good things while not needing to constantly ask them for reassurance or support. Friendship is saved, and healthy!

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Honestly, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my chest – as in the past I have ruined a close friendship by doing exactly this and I wasn’t even aware that I did. I even had someone relay her sentiment about this, and I for some reason was not able to see it until now. Unfortunately, that ship has sailed too far to take accountability for it, but I can at least focus on stopping this toxic trait of mine now. I WILL CHANGE. Proud of you Big <3

In the last few weeks I haven't been the greatest friend, and I wanted to apologize for that. I cannot promise I'll be perfect, or close to that – but I can promise I'm doing my best to change for the better. I'm putting in effort every day to change from who I was yesterday, and so I'll ask you to be patient with me. If I could change overnight, I would – but unfortunately this takes time for me. I will do as much as I can, and I'm committed to being a good friend/person. Thank you for having patience with me!