An Open Letter

I finally feel a bit better now that I can exercise again. I kinda wanna push for something this year again, I’m not really sure what for. I guess running and maybe hitting masters in league? Oh well, time will tell.

“I wonder if the blind mice even want to see, I wonder if the deaf father ever heard his daughter (scream/sing?)” -Rick’s Piano

I thought about the phrase make the most of it, and for some reason I got fixated on the thought of maybe it was too much. Last night I read about Melba being caught, and her self-punishment or hatred, whichever term you choose to use. She had lost everything and it all caught up to her, and she refused to move and was sealed off to the world. But also she was lucid, and in her mind she was there. She thought “I was almost proud of how long it had been since I'd moved.” and I felt like I was normal. And then I thought how weird it was to feel ok at the depiction of the terrorist villain. But also Holden earlier wrote about his childhood dog dying and staying by his side the whole night, but after a few hours feeling bored. He wrote that's where he learned humans had limits on emotion, and that resivour could run dry. Im pretty sure I misspelled reservoir so badly earlier autocorrect has no clue. I also realized the book is made up, and I guess it's all just the writers experiences repackaged in some form. But at least someone else has experienced what I sometimes do.

I've felt pretty low for the last week or so, I can't even tell you how long. I guess that's a good sign I'm depressed, since I don't remember joy. But I'm also not like sad, but I guess afraid of feeling because I know I'll just feel not good. Maybe not bad, but at the best nothing. And that's a scary thought. I know I'm only now getting to exercise again because of my injury, but man fuck. With whatever endorphins I was able to get just now I hope I can somewhat romanticize living. I don't feel suicidal, but I do feel at least that artistic appreciation about it, which scares me because it's a halfway house between ideation. I've had a few nights where I get a flash of a thought of letting go and it goes away as fast as it came, but it's still horrifying. But at the same time I don't feel like I can bring myself to care about anything. I realized I've left a few messages unresponded to which is almost unprecedented for me, since I respond when I get them. But weirdly I've had too many notifications when I wake up. Everything feels like a chore, and I'm almost afraid to check my phone. I doubt if I can maintain a large social network because what happens when I get depressed? I haven't really learned how to ever navigate it well because I don't even know if I can. Like am I supposed to tell everyone “hey sorry for not responding for two weeks, I wanted to recover!”? I feel myself pulling away pretty often, because everything takes energy and it cannot feel good, might as well avoid it.

I'm a little bit sad how I don't want to mention anything about suicide around A because of her trauma with it, but at the same time sometimes it's on my mind. I don't want to potentially trigger her and so I'd rather avoid it. I can handle it on my own, and ironically enough if I somehow can't then it doesn't matter, does it? That was kinda a joke, I don't see it happening. I'm worried I romanticize thugging things out on my own. But also I'm afraid to have a bad experience interacting with anyone else about it. I feel like my emotional battery has been gone for a bit. Most days I just go home and play league with A if he's on. And if not, I watch YouTube. Rinse and repeat. I know nothing changes if nothing changes, and so I guess I'm hoping for exercise to change it. But it's easy to go numb, almost inevitable – and then I forget I can feel better.

I finally got a chance to work out again today. I felt a lot better, even though my left foot kinda still hurts if I flex it. I just hope I don’t get reinjured.

I have been stunlocked for over an hour doing leet code interview questions, because they seem so easy and I think “Oh I can quickly just do this one I want to solve it, I already know how to do it”. I’ve been stuck in that trap for god knows how long, it’s probably better than doomscrolling however. I feel pretty shit today I’m going to be honest, the lack of exercise is getting to me.

I don't know why I just hear fear from Kendrick in my head. I'm not really that afraid of anything right now but I'm anxious for tomorrow. Part of me wants the day to skip

In a weirdly meta post I guess, I don’t really know what to write. I’m about to fall asleep so I guess this is it for now. I’ve felt like life has been pretty calm and peaceful for the last while so what do I have to say I guess? Strife causes writing

I fucked my shit up bad I’m gonna be honest, last night it was super painful to sleep I couldn’t sleep any other way other than facing up because my feet would hurt so bad if I touched them anywhere else. While laying up it at least was a dull pain I could ignore from not moving. I kind of liked it.

Title just felt right, it’s a good song. Nothing past that.

I know A means well, but sometimes when I’m struggling she word vomits up things to fill the silence, and she tries to relate or empathize. Sometimes she badly misses, and she tries to relate with something that isn’t close. I know you can’t compare grief or emotion really, but I’m pretty confident in these cases. Right now the thing that sticks with me is the thought that for her to provide these experiences of her own as things to relate with, she thinks in her mind that those experiences affect her as much as I’m currently affected. One thing she said earlier was how she’s also had friendships explode for her, and to her that meant people yelling and saying hurtful things to each other. To me it was personal attacks and then me getting blocked and ghosted, and a big meaningful friendship just gone like that all because I tried to defend myself. Things like that just make me feel alone because it makes me feel worse to think that someone who loves and cares about me sees my grief and experience and thinks it’s just an inconvenience. I don’t like how it always feels like a competition that she can’t lose sometimes. To be honest, I don’t really give a shit if she has experienced it or anything like that, I just want to be held sometimes.

From one of those stupid youtube polls, the idea of permanent happiness. I saw a lot of people warning about how it would make you never try to change or improve your life and end up in worse situations, but I mean if you’re happy who cares? I’m not sure if I think a permanent manic episode would be good, or if it’s the gaps between them that hurt.

I've calmed myself down a bit enough now to just be sad about it, not much anger left. I don't really understand in my experience the idea of support from others, aside from my therapist. Maybe I'm unrealistic with my standards of empathy for lack of a better term, but I know at least how shitty I feel about it. I feel worse dealing with stuff around others compared to just being alone. Just now on the start of the trail my new bike I've been looking forward to fully broke. I just spent $50 to repair it this morning, along with other costs, all for it to almost immediately break down while shifting gears. The gear shifter fully snapped and so the bike can't even spin. That's fucking sucks, but what's worse is I was with A for our date. Instead I get to run alongside her bike, and it's already fucking hell and I wore the wrong shoes and didn't get to stretch and I feel like shit and I've had a long day and God knows more. I feel bad, and her response is telling me basically “no it's chill dw”. I ask her to take my backpack that's just holding our drinks, and at the top she complains that she can't bike with it and makes me take it back. So now I have to run with the backpack and hold both drinks with my phone flying around my pocket, since it was uncomfortable for her biking. On top of already feeling like shit for losing my bike. I start to shut down because I just feel like childhood, where I need to shut up and just take it. She keeps talking about things that make me feel worse even though I've stopped talking and am kinda avoiding her because I feel like crying. I gamble and finally ask her if we can not talk since I feel like shit, and she again minimizes how I'm feeling by saying “oh no it's ok! I don't mind!”

That one kinda broke me. It just feels like I'm just dead meat or something and it doesn't matter how I'm feeling. If I was alone at least I wouldn't feel that way. I just wanna cry. I don't want to go back to her, so I'm sitting on the cliff. I hate the fact how every emotion I show to others has to be so processed and digestable, when others have been so candid with me.

Why was my mom allowed to scream and threaten me but I couldn't say that I was sad. Why haven't things changed.