I guess my feelings were distilled down into a few neat bins. One was the feeling of putting a stencil of other people’s common problems over mine – of how someone wanted to do things with someone else rather than me, but I’m not sure how much that applies here. It still does drag at my chest a little bit more than I’d like. Another is I guess just the overall impression of their experiences and choices, and how I tie into that history. I feel like there are some red flags staring at me in the face that I somewhat choose to ignore, but I’m feeling a slight red tint from the corners of my vision that scares me.
I’ve realized how little I’ve written here recently, and I think it’s because I’ve just been in a weird stasis in life. I’ve been so stressed I’ve had no time to think about my life overall, and so I’ve been just getting to the next immediate fire.
While recovering I feel like I’ve been burning time on the day to try to just get through it as fast as possible. I’m not too happy with this if I’m honest, I feel like I’m going to get depressed pretty quick like this. I haven’t heard back from my interviews and so that pressure has let off a bit which is kinda bad since I’m not studying right now for future ones.
I am in the recovery room right now, I effectively feel like I have been high out of my mind, it is the equivalent to being super duper high
Let me write before forget
You smell something slightly weird, you have oxygen in nose and IV in hand
They swap oxygen for anaesthetic agent, and then you basically mentally keep getting the conscious decision to fall asleep. I decided to immediately do that because I thought it would be best for my anxiety. Then out.
I know time has passed not sure how long, but I woke up in the chair
I’m kinda nervous, and I’m almost in a state of not thinking about it because it’s scary. Time for my first surgery tomorrow, and also the consequences of it aftewards.
Clutched up like CRAZY and started and finished my slides in about 5 hours, it is now 2 AM the day before my presentation. Lmao what bad foreplanning. I am however very confident in my material and I’m actually excited!
I have to wake up tomorrow at 8am, and I ended up staying up finishing up grading since I was working on my reinforcement learning project for rocket league. I’m worried for the incoming stress.
I haven’t heard from any companies for a bit, and I haven’t gotten information about my next round of interviews if I get them. I haven’t really studied for interviews in a few days, and I know that I should but I’m catching up on homework and also just spending time with A. I hope it all works out.
I'm currently sitting in my car behind trader joes trying not to cry. I've been teetering this edge for a bit now. While leaving the parking lot it was pretty packed and busy and a guy cut me off to get out faster. I think people do selfish things when they don't think the world is kind. Outside of the trailer joes were flowers for Valentine's Day, and there is a middle schooler with his friend who came on bikes looking at the flowers. The kid was sad because the flowers were $12.99 and he only had $10, and so I told him I'll buy it for him. We bought the flowers and he insisted on giving me his $10 and so I took it and he said that they were for his mom. One of the employees came up to me and gave me a packet of chocolates and he said on the house and I refused them and told them to give it to someone else. He said he wanted to pay it forward. I don't know why that made me want to cry so much. I hope the world gets a little bit kinder.