God knows how I’m supposed to phrase what was the title of this post. While I was doing my daily gratitude list, I kept thinking of things that I’d miss horribly that I currently take for granted. Things like having insurance, my apartment, hash, the beanbag chair, the computer I got, even just sunlight on my skin. I think about that one youtube poll about what wish would you want, and one of the options was “perfect health” and it had like 11%. One of the comments said their heart goes out to the people wishing for health, because most likely they are suffering from something right now. I realized how much I take my health for granted there, as while I’m injured or ill all I want is to get better. I can’t even imagine having something like cancer or some other health complication. I guess I just want to say I’m grateful for the things I have, even if I’m not the happiest or whole right now.
“Wait no I didn’t mean that, I didn’t mean to say I was better at sex than you are at league of legends”
I said out loud I wanted to immortalize that sentence because just the idea of it was so beyond bizarre. I’m a little bit sad that I haven’t really been writing anything down as of late, I’ve been sleeping pretty late consistently and I do this when I’m already overdue to sleep. I hope I can change that.
I’m terribly stressed about a lot of things in life right now. A big source of it however is dealing with job applications since I needed to be applying several months ago. I just barely even updated part of my resume today, which by itself was a task I had been putting off for ages. I’m afraid that my negligence and fear of something I can’t even really see has already and will continue to fuck me over in life, in a very heavy way. I know I can’t tell in retrospect, but I’m afraid of losing out on a FAANG/MANGA job because I just didn’t apply a few months earlier. I know the nova effect is still a thing, and I’ll be ok, but I’m afraid of my own negligence I guess.
Today was a pretty bad day, but things are much better now. I got some food in me finally, and right now A is falling asleep to my right while hugging me. What a strange thing life is.
I caved and to get it done, I cheated and looked at how people solved this day on Reddit. Even with everyone’s approaches and insights, I’m stumbling over myself trying to implement this but finally did part one! While super tired I still sat here and stayed up for an extra 3 hours by mistake trying to implement and solve it, and now it’s 3:24 AM. I’m just hoping I can get enough rest for tomorrow in time.
It's on me for too much and not listening to my battery but somewhere along the way I've lost taking care of my own limits. I'm exhausted and I want to be alone. They said they didn't like reading into songs for their meanings but for me I do. It's easier to play a song on loop rather than life giving you a break. I guess it's almost like a pseudo support. Someone else can express the emotions I can't. For someone who prides themselves on emotional awareness, I really fucking suck at speaking up for myself.
“Jesus Christ please, can't you treat me nicely?” -ok, cleopatrick
If I’m being honest, a relationship has been scary. I think there are a lot of ugly things about myself that come to light and I’m forced to confront them, especially things about perception or mannerisms, etc. Having a relationship makes me have to face those realities and deal with the potential rejection of putting that out there, and hoping that someone else can accept and still love that. I’m glad A does, this feels like one of those relationships that makes getting hurt and all the instability or fear of dating worth it.
I finished grinding ranked this season, and I played jungle and support. I ended with a 100% winrate on Lulu and Janna, and an average KDA of 44 on Janna. Pretty proud of that lol. Next season I am going to grind ranked to try to hit masters, so I can both get my masters degree and masters rank the same year lol.