A digital journal
I’ll be completely honest, I did NOT listen to my own resolution and decided to stay up a bit more so that I can play some games lol. Let me try to get ready for bed now so I can sleep at an adequate time.
R – 3 breaths
E – Today I just had a very peaceful day, especially between my classes when I was sitting in the sun meditating. I enjoyed that a lot.
S – I want to do that more often
T – Set up time to find a peaceful place to meditate
Today I made a couple of new friends by just betting on their match and just hyping them up and having fun. Life really isn’t that hard. I also have a date soon with a cute girl, and I think we’re going to do something artsy.
R – 3 breaths
E – I am sleeping later and later each day, and I am waking up later to compensate.
S – I should start getting ready for bed around 11pm.
T – Go get ready to sleep.
Just sit with that discomfort. You will be ok after a bit, so just sit with it. Turns the music up if you need, look away from the screen if it helps, but focus on that discomfort and pain. If you can come to endure that, then you can endure other things too. Just sit and look right at it without turning away.
I had a great few days recently, I’ve been studying for my midterms and have really enjoyed that. Also, I’ve had plenty of new music to listen to which I’ve been enjoying, and I’ve had a good amount of time to myself to do things I like. Today’s midterm felt pretty good, and I think I failed (superstition). Might as well fill this filler entry with that superstition.
Around 10th grade, I realized two things, that I actually enjoyed math and I didn’t have to say that I hated it, and also that whenever I told someone “I failed” a test, I always did insanely well. If I ever told someone that I felt good about it, I would somehow magically do badly, even if I was completely confident in that. Since then I don’t risk it because every time I have, it’s gone badly. So yeah, I failed this midterm also.
R – 3 breaths
E – S and L are always gone for the weekend, and so I don’t get to hang out with them, and so I kinda feel like they don’t want to hang out. I guess that’s more of an insecure thought that I don’t really feel, but I more feel sad that we don’t get to do anything cool. I’m aware that I have a limited amount of time with everyone, and it feels like a large chunk of it has gone to nothing.
S – Try to cherish the time I have with them, and more concretely figure out time for plans.
T – I’ll send a message in the group chat for next to next week.
I decided might as well play 5 games of ranked this season so I could get a rank for the victorious skin – and immediately my games were d2. This is higher than anything I’ve been in before, but also the players were just like toddlers who understand the game but also play like ass. Surprisingly chill, I just listened to music and didn’t give a shit about winning and ended up going 3W2L even with inters. I ended up getting D4 57lp which is the highest rank I’ve ever gotten lol. Was a good day.
R – 3 breaths
E – I feel worried that I may not be happy in life, not for any reason but just the fear of that: at least in the short term.
S – I have plenty of time to just Jcole-max and be at peace with the world. The sun is out, I have my books, a skateboard, and plenty of things to do with my free time.
T – Just sit with this peace I guess
I think the more experiences I get, the more I find out I’m alike others but also that I am fundamentally different. It’s this weird feeling where everyone’s part of the same puzzle but the pieces never really fit perfectly. You can force them into it, and get an alright representation of the bigger picture but it never really clicks right. You can click two pieces together but at the end of the day that may not be it’s right spot when you try to fit more. I am not really sure how we are all meant to exist in a group together as humans – are people meant to conform and mold into the communities they are raised by? Or are communities a byproduct of traits of people – and how do those exist if people are all fundamentally unique.
R – 3 breaths
E – I feel confused and a bit scared at life as a whole.
S – I should make sure to set time aside for high-effort meditation, where I don’t half-ass it.
T – Tomorrow after I workout or when I get 10-15 minutes during the day I will meditate.
My god. 3 Kendrick tracks within 3 days. This is a genuine heaven for me. Dear lord, I’m glad Kdot came out swinging for 0 reason on “like that”. But also thank GOD because I’ve BEEN a Drake slanderer, his team makes good music, but he has no credibility as an artist and it’s insane for him to be saying he’s even in the contention for greatest rapper.
R – 3 breaths
E – I felt very weak today, and I overall just felt shitty at the gym and unhappy with myself.
S – Recognize the limitations of my body and the variability of things, and forgive myself a bit more.
T – Accept that I’m not like freakishly weaker, I just slept barely anything last night, just am coming out of a cut, and also have had a very randomly sporadic workout schedule.
To be honest, being a low BF% fucking sucks. Everything is way more defined and all that but I feel so fucking weak. What's the point of looking muscular, I'd rather be violently strong. I felt a bit disgusted with myself today because I had to drop my weight drastically for bench. I just couldn't do 185x10 for 5 sets. Hell I couldn't do it for 3. Old me would have loved that but present me hates it.
I saw someone leg pressing 5 plates and it wasnt even bad ROM. Comparison really is the thief of joy.
In the least concerning way possible, today became one of those days where I just want to feel pain. I kinda get it now; I guess I feel like if I can control and get used to physical pain then I can control mental pain. I've liked the idea of conditioning, I know my shins hurt a lot and MMA people condition them, so it doubles as making me feel more powerful. I ended up settling for pushing myself harder right now. I always err on the side of caution because I've hurt myself several times before, but today I just kept reminding myself of what I was sick of.
I just got back from bar hopping with a new group of people, It was a very interesting night. I think every time I go out I remind myself that I can easily make friends and people want to be around me. I guess it's just hard for me to internalize that, but at least I've internalize the fact that dancing is fun. No dbt tonight, I promise I'll do it tomorrow I'm about to go to sleep Good night.
I stayed up playing games with S and T, while L chilled in call for a bit. We lost so many games in a row playing arena, but I think these are the times I’ll look back on and be happy for.
I started writing the new blog, so hopefully I can get that finished up soon and deployed – no DBT tonight as I’m exhausted and need as much sleep as I can get. Love you as always, me