A digital journal
I’m about to pass the fuck out, but at least to keep some habit alive I wanted to write something. I’ll read tomorrow, and do a “meditation” tonight also. Had a good date, and R zohl szw hvc dsviv R xznv, zmw rg dzh urmv. Mlgsrmt gl yv dliirvw zylfg.
Today at martial arts I got hit in the jaw pretty hard, and lost motor control for a lil bit. I was also confused and disoriented for the next few hours, and I still have a bit of a headache – but I think I’m fine thankfully. I decided to use my free time today to finish editing a video, to keep on my mini-unofficial goal of one video a week. Just to make something I guess. It’s only 10:36 PM right now so I could get ready for bed and actually sleep at a reasonable time, which is something I’ll try to do, hopefully so I have more time in the day and so I can work out with S!
R – 3 breaths
E – Students want me to make more office hours for 138, and also there are plenty of things being neglected by other staff in the class that I could take over.
S – I don’t want to be taken advantage of by stepping up and doing several other people’s work, so instead I will sit back and not step up.
T – Enjoy my free time? I guess also don’t be stressed about it.
On Monday we are going to go driving around into the mountains and then coming back to just watch a movie and cuddle. It is 2 AM and I have nothing to note so might as well keep this one brief.
R – 3 breaths
E – R'n dliirvw zylfg szermt hvc drgs P glnliild, yvxzfhv R szevm'g wlmv rg rm z olmt grnv.
S – Tvg levi rg kfhhb onzl
T – Ru rg'h irtsg, szev rg
So that date also went incredibly well, we hit it off pretty well and were able to talk for hours. We also seem to be very comfortable with each other, but right now I’m emotionally crashed I guess. I’m exhausted even though it’s just 2 am, and I think it’s because of the emotional strain.
R – 3 breaths
E – I am drained right now, and somewhat catastrophizing worrying about different factors and if I’ll enjoy a relationship at all.
S – Recognize not a single thing I’m thinking right now is valid as I am crashing and exhausted.
T – Go to bed and think about it tomorrow, or ask friends for advice.
I find myself going through this pattern in life where I have some person who’s into me, and I’m into them, and then it doesn’t work out. That part is just how life goes no problems there – but then I somehow constantly think “Wow! That was the only chance I’ll ever get! Surely that was the last one, time to wrap it up!” I feel like it’s so incredibly naive and silly to keep believing this TIME and TIME again. The world’s an incredibly big place, and I am always free to change who I am for the better (or worse). That’s a pretty beautiful thing I think.
R – 3 breaths
E – I have a date tomorrow, and for some reason, I fear that if it goes wrong I will convince myself that I am doomed and I will never find someone I’m interested in.
S – Recognize the obvious flaw there, and enjoy the moment for what it is. Let go of all expectations and just enjoy having a nice date with someone sick!
T – Nothing to do but enjoy it and don’t overthink.
I’ll be completely honest, I did NOT listen to my own resolution and decided to stay up a bit more so that I can play some games lol. Let me try to get ready for bed now so I can sleep at an adequate time.
R – 3 breaths
E – Today I just had a very peaceful day, especially between my classes when I was sitting in the sun meditating. I enjoyed that a lot.
S – I want to do that more often
T – Set up time to find a peaceful place to meditate
Today I made a couple of new friends by just betting on their match and just hyping them up and having fun. Life really isn’t that hard. I also have a date soon with a cute girl, and I think we’re going to do something artsy.
R – 3 breaths
E – I am sleeping later and later each day, and I am waking up later to compensate.
S – I should start getting ready for bed around 11pm.
T – Go get ready to sleep.
Just sit with that discomfort. You will be ok after a bit, so just sit with it. Turns the music up if you need, look away from the screen if it helps, but focus on that discomfort and pain. If you can come to endure that, then you can endure other things too. Just sit and look right at it without turning away.
I had a great few days recently, I’ve been studying for my midterms and have really enjoyed that. Also, I’ve had plenty of new music to listen to which I’ve been enjoying, and I’ve had a good amount of time to myself to do things I like. Today’s midterm felt pretty good, and I think I failed (superstition). Might as well fill this filler entry with that superstition.
Around 10th grade, I realized two things, that I actually enjoyed math and I didn’t have to say that I hated it, and also that whenever I told someone “I failed” a test, I always did insanely well. If I ever told someone that I felt good about it, I would somehow magically do badly, even if I was completely confident in that. Since then I don’t risk it because every time I have, it’s gone badly. So yeah, I failed this midterm also.
R – 3 breaths
E – S and L are always gone for the weekend, and so I don’t get to hang out with them, and so I kinda feel like they don’t want to hang out. I guess that’s more of an insecure thought that I don’t really feel, but I more feel sad that we don’t get to do anything cool. I’m aware that I have a limited amount of time with everyone, and it feels like a large chunk of it has gone to nothing.
S – Try to cherish the time I have with them, and more concretely figure out time for plans.
T – I’ll send a message in the group chat for next to next week.
I decided might as well play 5 games of ranked this season so I could get a rank for the victorious skin – and immediately my games were d2. This is higher than anything I’ve been in before, but also the players were just like toddlers who understand the game but also play like ass. Surprisingly chill, I just listened to music and didn’t give a shit about winning and ended up going 3W2L even with inters. I ended up getting D4 57lp which is the highest rank I’ve ever gotten lol. Was a good day.
R – 3 breaths
E – I feel worried that I may not be happy in life, not for any reason but just the fear of that: at least in the short term.
S – I have plenty of time to just Jcole-max and be at peace with the world. The sun is out, I have my books, a skateboard, and plenty of things to do with my free time.
T – Just sit with this peace I guess