An Open Letter

Back to this I guess, I spent the last 5 or so hours working on this lab, and I got an incredible amount of work done. I honestly enjoyed this a lot more than if I played a game or two of league of legends, and my only regret is that I am going to be sleeping a bit late. I guess I should keep this brief so that I can get some well-needed rest for tomorrow. Goodnight!

I find it fairly ironic how clueless I am in a lot of casual interactions, and I’d like to attribute it to a lack of experience in said situations. I feel kinda resentful towards my parents for forcing me to do that, but I guess I am grateful for the consequences of it.

For about a year and 3 months now I’ve been keeping a gratitude list on my phone. Every day I write down 5 things I’m grateful for, that made me happy. I want to at some point make a word cloud of it to visualize it, but even without that, I think I’ve learned a lot about myself. I virtually never have put down things like playing games by myself or killing time on TikTok, but consistently I write down my interactions with friends, even things as small as reminders that I have these people as good friends. I find myself putting down S, S, L, and L fairly frequently. Maybe I should target my life more towards things I am grateful for, rather than live life and then later notarize the parts I like. Oh well, let me go to bed at a reasonable time today – I’ve been messing up my sleep schedule a bit too much recently and I want to stop that. Goodnight!

Yesterday I got home very late as I was at a friend’s place playing Mario party while drunk. Absolute blast of a time, and I hope we can do it again. Tomorrow I think I’m going to watch a movie at a friend’s place and I hope I get to see their weird ass housemate, so that’s something else to look forward to. I’m just overall content I think again.

I spent another 3-4 hours helping people out with a difficult week outside of my paid time for the class I’m teaching. Tomorrow I hope I can have a good day, I’m planning on doing another “psilocybin treatment”. Shame I’m incredibly busy now adays, but also next quarter I barely will have any classes so I’m quite sad about that. Oh well, I am just hoping I can finish this goal within 40 days. I don’t know if I can anymore.

I say better because I’m not fully sure it’s good, but I do feel better. I ended up crying at the top of a parking structure because some more shit happened today lol, but S called me and we talked about something unrelated for a while until I forgot I was overwhelmed. I got my bike fixed and kept doing the things I needed to do. I played with Hash, got him his birthday gifts, and pet him a ton. I went and worked out, and then got some work done at home. I feel ok now. S and L also reached out to me, asking if I wanted to play or talk which was very sweet. I love them all.

And I'm sorry. I'm sorry I am not better for you. I should be reading or meditating, as I already didn't do it yesterday, but instead here I sit staying up late crying in bed. I'm too busy tomorrow where I only have one hour back at home to take you to get your birthday presents. I'm so sorry my baby. I love you more than anything else in this world, and this is how I treat you. It's always about me. I'm so fucking sorry. I'm so sorry Hash. I wish I was better to you. But I don't change. I hate myself for that. I try to believe that you're happy, because the alternative is too much for me to bear. It hurts so much to think about. What if you need more love from me. I wish you could tell me. How could I be a father if I can't even take care of you. I'm so sorry my baby. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. It hurts so much to think about. I'm so sorry about the thoughts I get. I'm sorry for the things that come out into my mind. It's not me I promise. I love you. I don't ever want you to die. I love you more than I love myself, you have to believe me. But not enough to be better to you. Unless I'm fully sure it won't hurt you I'll never consider it. What a fucking low bar. What a selfish low bar. I'm sorry I'm me.

A gave them to me in 11th grade. It was for Christmas, she said the bears on the socks looked like me. I wore them again today. I can see 3 toes fully, there's almost more foot than sock at the bottoms of them now. They will rip apart if I wear them one more time, I'm afraid to wear them again. How tightly can I hold onto the feeling or reminder of love.

I thought about it, and I wanted to be spiteful and say how nice it must be to have someone you can reach out to for support, implying I don't. But I do, I just don't. Don't reach out. I don't know why it's so hard. There will always be another excuse on why I don't. And then the floodgates eventually open. I don't want to be this way.

I wish the socks never ripped.

I find it kinda backward. I find happiness in mundane normal things, but I don’t get happiness from large significant things. Am I just broken or something? Thinking about it more, all of the customary things that people get addicted to give me almost nothing.

I’d like to be able to put everything behind at some point. I think about Matthias Steiner in moments like these. I’ve never seen such emotion overcome someone before like that. I started powerlifting because of him I think.

We had a lecture today for my ML class about what love was, as a fun little lecture for Valentine's Day. I found myself thinking it was strange how someone mentioned how they felt lonely on this day. I don’t think I’ve ever really spent Valentine’s Day with anyone romantically, so I guess I don’t know what I’m missing. I guess kinda the same for a serious relationship. Other than T, I haven’t had anything. And T was only 2 months and we know how that ended.

Thinking about this makes me want to just lay back and stare up at the universe. Try to figure something out I guess. It’s a very strange kind of freedom to go through life without a partner, I was thinking about this more as S was talking about how the opposite felt bad. Living attached to someone and always connected can get too much at times, I guess like a built-up frustration. I feel like I should do something else rather than indulge these ideas, but I can’t seem to stop from writing them. I guess I’ll tell myself it’s putting it down somewhere.

I find myself jealous a lot. I also find myself thinking of things that lead to nothing good. Either it hurts people, or it hurts me differently. I don’t want to have this thought or even know if I’m right with it. I guess I’ll stop here.

Hey, quick post because I should sleep for my midterm tomorrow morning. I’m doing it. I’m happy, I like my life, and I’m happy to wake up and do it again every night. I feel fulfilled, and I’m proud of the things I’ve built. God I’m just happy to be alive.