An Open Letter

Gonna have to keep this short since I don’t want to be awake for midnight. I’m feeling less depressed, I talked with friends, and one of them even went out of their way to make sure we would do something together! Maybe this year won’t be as bad. Also, the friend who asked about my T-shirt size mentioned how they had a secret present they wanted to see my reaction to in person, and I feel like they actually care.

I’m not used to having people care about my birthday, this is a weird feeling. I was thinking about that quote:

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. — Rumi

Maybe I am loved?

Situation: Birthday is tomorrow

Thoughts: I want to self-isolate, and throw a pity party for myself. I want to self-sabotage myself as much as possible so that I can justify how depressed I am around my birthday. I want pity, and I also don’t want anyone to know.

Feelings: I feel absolutely and utterly miserable.

Behavior: I self-sabotage, and make myself depressed unnecessarily.

Thoughts: It doesn’t have to be something depressing, I can enjoy my birthday.

Feelings: I feel scared, but also more at peace. Maybe everything will be ok.

Behavior: I don’t self-sabotage, and start to unlearn this pattern of getting horribly depressed around this time.

I’m scared, but that’s how I know I’m growing. Love you Suman, have a happy birthday tomorrow ♥

I was thinking about why I don't feel comfortable talking about how I struggle with mental health with some people, but with others I feel comfortable doing it. I think it fully just boils down too knowing that the other person has been in similar situations, and they feel comfortable telling you about it.

With the person that I'm talking to now, they've opened up about some stuff, and have been comfortable talking about difficult moments and things they're struggling with. With some other friends, I don't feel that way. I can't really think of any times they've reached out for support the way they mention it's fine for me to.

I feel like inherently I can't trust this, because I'll always have the fear that I am being too much for them. If someone also opens up to me and does similar things, I'm not afraid of burdening them with my issues because it's a two-way street.

I think vulnerability is necessary for internet connection.

A friend asked me how my Thanksgiving was, and I told them I wouldn't say. It was fucking miserable, but that's my cross to bear – no one else's. Holidays are a time for people to be happy, and I refuse to let my circumstances ruin that for anyone else.

I can deal with this shit alone, and anyway it will be over soon enough. I signed up for a week guest pass at golds gym, since the rec cen is closed. I don't know if it's safe for me to, but I think I'm going to go for a PR on my birthday, no matter what. I need at least something to look forwards to I think.

Ive been sleeping at 4-5am recently, but I think today I'm going to try to sleep before midnight. I don't wanna be awake when my birthday starts, as that's normally when people get spammed with happy birthday texts but I don't think I'll get any, so I'd rather not be disappointed. I was thinking of keeping my phone off the entire day, but Shaco remembered my birthday and I don't want him to be worried about me.

Heyo, I’m gonna keep this a bit short as I don’t really have much to say. I’m looking forward to this weekend being over.

I still haven’t figured out what I was going to do for my birthday, I wanted to go get another $20 massage, but that was pretty much it. Don’t know what else I’d do tbh.

Situation: I get ghosted

Thoughts: D: I am going to die alone or something boo hoo

Feelings: :((((

Behavior: This is an absolute bastardization of CBT, my therapist probably woke up from her sleep upset for an unknown reason

Thoughts: I think when stuff like that happens, it’s always more a reflection of that person compared to yourself.

Feelings: :| :)

Behavior: it be like that, I will live completely fine.

:D Love you man ♥

IV is pretty desolate today, almost all the food places are closed. I slept for 6 hours during the day because I just wanted the time to pass, and when I woke up I was hungry and wanted some kind of Thanksgiving dinner. Even McDonald’s was closed, and not a single food place was open.

I don’t like being such a negative person, but I don’t know how I’m not supposed to be upset and resentful towards others during the holiday season. I’m pretty jealous of people who have a family they want to go back to. Hell, even a Friendsgiving would be amazing, but everyone I know is going back to their families.

I’m pretty envious of people who have family. People they text, see, interact with, and who ultimately love them. The only time my family really comes up is when I’m in therapy nowadays. My dad’s the only person I really have a relationship with, and we send maybe a text about very practical stuff once a week. He’s never really been the kind of person to talk about anything, so our relationship is a very formal one. I don’t interact with my mom or sister at all.

I wish I didn’t have to spend this time alone year after year. I’m tired of it. I was thinking today while hungry about how maybe when I’m older and married I’ll finally be able to celebrate the holidays, as I’ll have a family then.

Man, I talked with my therapist today about the surprisingly shared experience of hitting it off with someone intensely and then not talking again. After talking with this girl, I was mentally prepared to not interact with her again. This time, I was happy with the experience, and I didn’t have the expectation of more, or the entitlement either.

She ended up texting again, and we’re texting right now. I really enjoy talking to her, and it’s very nice to be able to indulge the side of me I can’t show to platonic friends. Man, this shit is like a drug.

I think I’ve journaled enough, judging how I vented earlier today – I do wanna say after getting that out of my system and blasting Great Lakes by Cleopatrick enough times while scream-singing, I felt a lot better. I’m a bit worried about how people IRL see my blog, and I want to reinforce the idea of how this is meant as the opposite of traditional social media. I am incredibly vulnerable and I talk about my struggles a lot here, but this is not a representation of I how am holistically, just my bad parts. Huzzah!

Situation: The idea of sex stresses me out due to relatively recent things

Thoughts: Time to avoid sex for as long as I can!

Feelings: I feel not directly stressed, but also this makes the stress around sex worse and worse.

Behavior: I make the issue worse, as it remains mental and it builds on itself the longer I enable it.

Thoughts: It only has as much power as I give it. If someone without a dick can have great sex, there’s nothing physically restricting me either.

Feelings: I feel anxious, but also a bit free. I also feel like I’m addressing a big problem.

Behavior: I have sex again, and I start to unlearn this fear.

Man I am fucking PETRIFIED! 🥳 Good luck dude, and remember that I love you Suman. Happy early birthday! ♥

I instead went and parked almost a block away, just in case I cry so that I'd have some privacy at least.

A close friend asked me what tshirts size I was, and I'm pretty sure that was what they plan to get me for my birthday. I'll feel pretty bad if they see this, but I need to write this down somewhere. I think if I just get some joke T-shirt that will shatter me.

I thought about it, and I think I'd rather get nothing for my birthday compared to a random impersonal gift. It's not because it's a bad present, or anything like that – but I think I'll mentally equate it to the fact that that's all I am to them. For their birthday, I got several incredibly personal and sentimental gifts. I spent a while trying to learn how to make a collage and printed them a poster with all of their artwork I could find, and several other things.

I remember thinking about it around then when they mentioned getting me a birthday present how if it was a drawing of me how I'd be kinda sad. I thought about why, and to me it was because it would feel like that's more them than me. Art like that isn't really my thing, so I would feel like they didn't really think about what I'd like but rather what they'd like. It all boils down to the feeling like they don't understand me.

I think I'd rather have that than some joke T-shirt any day though. I feel like an ungrateful piece of shit for thinking these things, but I think I'd rather they forget to get me anything than something like that. At least this way I could believe that they would know me, but that they just forgot.

I think I enjoyed the birthdays my parents forgot more than the ones where they tried getting me some random gift, usually things I can't even use. The last present I got for my birthday was a Zelda shirt from target from my sister. I've never played Zelda, and the shirt was way too small for me anyway. She ended up keeping it.

I think I'd rather be forgotten than finding out someone doesn't know me the way I know them. I don't want to feel that alone ever again. I wish I could just skip my birthday.

I'm going to drive to buy some new flowers for my room now.

We went on a walk, this was before we started dating. We went just as friends, but we both had crushes on each other. At one point I mentioned how I have always wished a girl gave me flowers, and how I would cherish them.

She said she wished she could have given them to me without me saying that, because of how much it would mean to me.

I still would have loved if she gave me flowers, the only thing I'd be sad about is the fact they would eventually decay – I would have held onto them for as long as I could have.

Hot damn. So I matched with someone on Hinge, and she is so fucking funny. We both have the same energy, she is incredibly funny, and also very cute! I find her very attractive, and she also finds me attractive and she’s also mentioned how she finds me funny and smart – two things she really likes. I’ve been texting her for about 3 hours now, and it’s almost 2 am in the morning. She’s just so easy to talk to.

I’m actually gonna keep this fairly short because I’d rather be texting her right now than talking to anyone – so here comes some half-assed CBT.

Situation: Cute girl has very hot personality, and is attracted to me. She also seems incredibly compatible, and we click very well.

Thoughts: I will do ANYTHING to not lose this, including altering my personality.

Feelings: YAY! I GET HAPPY RELATIONSHIP WITH AWESOME PERSON!

Behavior: I may get the relationship, but end up changing who I am throughout the relationship, which is not a good thing – either that or I surpress who I am.

Thoughts: I think this person likes me for who I am inherently, I don’t have to act a different way. I should act however I feel natural, that way it is sustainable.

Feelings: I feel even better, because I caught a potential trap early, and I don’t even think it will ruin anything or be worse in any way.

Behavior: Hopefully the relationship!!! And if it does happen, this will be healthier as I get to be myself instead of acting a different way. And at the end of the day, if this doesn’t pan out it should be a great experience regardless – this should give me hope for the future, as this is another example of meeting someone who seems great.

God, I feel almost butterflies. Pace this bad boy out a bit, and enjoy it. Love you Anshuman ♥

Hoo boy, something’s testing me today. During tennis, I was feeding for some games, and my feeds weren’t doing too hot. They weren’t horrible, but they weren’t great either. But there was this one guy, who I’m friends with, but sweet lord he is annoying as fuck sometimes. He has someone make a joke that’s funny, and then he proceeds to repeat the joke every single day for the next few months. Today he was exceptionally tone-deaf, he kept loudly complaining about how bad the feeds were, and like – what do you want me to do? I haven’t played in a week, I’m feeding so everyone else can play the game, am I supposed to stop the game get on my knees, and beg for forgiveness? Holy shit.

I went home afterward and was playing Overwatch with two friends, and one was pretty drunk. He also wasn’t doing too hot in the games, to the point where nearly every game random people would comment on his performance. The other friend and I did not care if he did good or not, especially since he was the lowest rank out of us, so we didn’t care too much. But while drunk, he kept yelling about how it was everyone else’s fault. That’s whatever, but he kept just saying things that were blatantly wrong. For context, he was playing tank – the role I’m a fairly high rank in the game at, and which I’ve been coached several times before. He was complaining about how there was nothing he could do, and I suggested swapping to a specific kind of character that would fit the game best, and that set him off. He then proceeded to go on a soliloquy of how that’s not his job, and how it’s our fault instead. It was pretty frustrating, because he can be incredibly stubborn, and also was pretty drastically wrong about the situation, but he was confidently saying things. It’s annoying because I can be right, but it doesn’t matter because he will just disagree and argue that he’s right. It doesn’t matter if he’s the lowest rank in the game, and I’m a high rank, or if this is the perspective and opinion of pro players, suddenly I become a horrible person for disagreeing with him.

He left the voice call and then proceeded to start spam-messaging me about how I needed to apologize, and he kept repeating his (wrong) reasoning. I ended up just apologizing because it’s just words and I don’t have to really mean it. I know a lot of people who play with him mention how they cannot have conversations about game stuff with him, and how they end up just treating him like an idiot and going “mhm! yup! you’re right!”. But he’s a good friend, and I always want to give him the respect of explaining things when I think he’s wrong, and I’m confident I’m right. I wonder why I can’t just let him be wrong.

Situation: A good friend is struggling in our games, and doesn’t think he is doing anything wrong, and blaming us instead.

Thoughts: If I was in his situation, I would love it if someone who knows the game better would help me out by telling me what to do when I’m lost like that. Therefore I should do the same, and give him some ideas that would make him feel less helpless.

Feelings: I don’t really feel anything, but I probably end up feeling frustrated as he doesn’t take any sort of advice well and is incredibly stubborn and argumentative.

Behavior: Inevitably he explodes, and I have to put in the effort to just suck it up and deal with him making out-of-pocket comments at me, and soothe him. He doesn’t even get any better at the game so there’s no benefit.

Thoughts: I can just nod and smile, and save myself the headache

Feelings: I don’t like the idea of seeing someone struggle unnecessarily, but also unless he explicitly asks me for help I’ll just let him struggle.

Behavior: I get more practice in letting people make mistakes and do bad things in their lives without me trying to help them.

Man, this shit is annoying. I guess I really just gotta stop trying to help people that don’t REALLY ask for help. Even if he says “What do you think I can do” that’s just a trap, just let it slide. It causes so much unnecessary friction when I’m good at a game, and my friends aren’t. It’s almost like an information hazard, for the games I’m ass at I don’t have any issues with it because when they are frustrated they aren’t good, I can’t help them so I don’t even have the choice to give them that help. God, I hate having to let people struggle unnecessarily. Oh well, love you anyways, and always Ithaka ♥.