An Open Letter

I’m him for another quarter, clutched up on the project and I think I failed my final.

I am currently losing my mind in the best way possible, my friends and I have not won a SINGULAR GAME between like 3 fully different games. And I love spending time with them. I love every minute of this. I’m so grateful to have my friends. I love spending time with them.

Situation: Finals are over

Thoughts: I’m going to be isolated for a bit

Feelings: I’m worried how it’s going to go

Behavior: I stress

Thoughts: I am going to be able to spend a ton of time with online friends, and finally have free time to do new projects and learn things

Feelings: I’m excited

Behavior: I’m grateful to be alive.

I think I summed it up pretty well with that. I’m hoping now that I don’t have to stay up super late and then crank this out when I’m about to pass out I get better use from this, but we’ll see. Love you anyways forever and always ♥

I just now finished a several-month project, essentially within the span of 5 days. This project was meant for two people, and I also have the grad student version of it – but I did it all myself. I am TIRED, and EXHAUSTED, but also incredibly happy with my final app. I also learned a lot, and genuinely enjoyed creating it! Not to nerd out, but good object-oriented programming goes INSANE. I could add more workout plans to my app in like 10 minutes, and EVERY OTHER PART OF MY CODE WOULD INSTANTLY INTEGRATE IT.

I’m so glad I enjoy what I do.

Situation: Someone uploaded part of a video I made for fun (that’s embarrassing) onto their Instagram in a powerlifting video.

Thoughts: I already wanted to private/hide that video, and it’s tucked away. I didn’t even know that they saw this, and I don’t even know this person. Now a ton of people have probably seen it, and it’s also something I’m fairly insecure about because I for some reason thought “Hey, no one’s gonna see this, I don’t have to make any kinda facial expressions”. So I JUST STARE AT THE CAMERA LIKE A PSYCHOPATH, BASICALLY FROWNING. THE ENTIRE TIME. WHILE DANCING.

Feelings: I want to crawl into a hole and die. I will never interact with any of these people again.

Behavior: I isolate myself from this group of people as much as I can, and maybe even ask him to take it down.

Thoughts: Lmao who cares. No one is clowning me for it, and even if they do worst comes to worse I can throw hands pretty well. This isn’t middle school, it does not affect my life if someone makes fun of me for it. I can just get my masters degree and spend time with people who don’t clown me for it lol.

Feelings: It really ain’t that deep lol, and on top of it people don’t seem to find it that cringy. I think it is, but also it really doesn’t matter. It was fun, and I’m glad I made something that I can at least remember.

Behavior: I big chill. 8)

Good fucking yard today Anshuman, you’ve gone crazy this last week. Your new DBT book came, so let’s see how that goes soon enough! Love you man ♥

My brain is turning into puddles of mush, the only things I’ve done today were work out for 3 hours and then study/work on projects since then. I ate one meal. I’m going to go have a pop tart.

Situation: Girls not texting back

Thoughts: They are not interested in me

Feelings: :(

Behavior: I protect myself from them by mentally devaluing them

Thoughts: They’re also just busy with finals lol

Feelings: Lol same

Behavior: I’ll just reach back out to them after finals

God this is so low effort, hopefully I start doing this earlier. Goodnight, and love you Icarus ♥

After I made my hinge this time, I barely got any matches at first. I was pretty discouraged, but then I remembered after going on a date or two how content I am being single. After that, I’ll occasionally open the app and write silly little responses to the prompts people have and screenshot them for me to laugh at later.

I’ve gotten 3 more matches in a few days, and I’ve been absolutely deranged. It’s been really fun, but also I’ve been reminding myself that there is no such thing as “fumbling” it as I am completely fine without anyone. It’s been fun!

Situation: Finals week is here

Thoughts: This stress is going to be here forever

Feelings: Overwhelmed

Behavior: I shut down, and neglect other tasks or responsibilities like emails or texts

Thoughts: This is going to be like this for like 5 more days, that’s it

Feelings: Bit stressed, but also fine since it’s temporary.

Behavior: I keep anxiety under control, and keep doing the things I need to do.

Almost there! I wonder what I’m going to do with my free time after these are over. Love you! ♥

I find myself weirdly having to somewhat force myself to hang out with people. I think almost every time I enjoy it and don’t regret it at all, and I know that going into it. But I think social anxiety is just a powerful force that tries to keep me down.

I’d like to journal earlier, maybe I’ll start doing this sometime midday instead of leaving it for night, where I put it off even more because I’m spending time with friends. Oh well, I had a blast tonight. I meowed in the microphone really well and I was proud of that lol

Situation: Two cute girls matched with me on hinge, and don’t know what it could lead to.

Thoughts: If I don’t do this perfectly, I will fumble it and stay single.

Feelings: Stress, pressure, and that I have to behave differently.

Behavior: I act a different way, and probably ruin it since my unstressed authentic personality is pretty good and well received usually.

Thoughts: Who cares lmao, I’m more than happy being single so I have nothing to lose.

Feeling: Feel like a big chiller

Behavior: I am relaxed, I don’t have any self worth tied to it, and I say things I find funny and overall stay happier.

Love you Suman ♥ I hope you know even if I don’t mean it every time I say it, it’s true.

I spent the last 8 hours coding nonstop. I took a 1-hour break at 9 pm to do today’s AoC (more coding), then returned to my final project. I love working. I made a lot of great progress on my final project, and I’m feeling optimistic about it! I was able to get some difficult stuff done that I was struggling with, albeit having to make some concessions.

I’m a bit sad also because I’ve gotten rejected from almost half the internships I’ve applied to, even though my resume is arguably the strongest it’s ever been. Oh well, everything will work itself out in the end. Right?

Situation: I offer to do nice things for people, and they take me up on that offer.

Thoughts: They must be using me, and they don’t like me as a person.

Feelings: I feel sad, and taken advantage of.

Behavior: I try to cut them off as people, as I think they are using me.

Thoughts: They are taking me up on something I offer, and I go out of my way to offer.

Feelings: This is what I should expect while doing nice things for people – I don’t need something in return for that.

Behavior: I do a nice thing, and I act less obligated to other good things due to that, which overall makes it better.

I should go get some sleep. Goodnight me, love you! ♥

There’s a clip from Adventure Time, where Jake says “See this cup? This is literally my favorite cup.” He then throws it out of the window and says “Now it’s gone forever. So it’s not real, and I don’t care about it anymore”. I think about that a good amount.

I think a lot of my problems are not real. I always say this, but I don’t actively consider it as much as I probably should: almost all problems are usually miscommunications. Or at least something that stems from that. So many of my problems aren’t real, they are easily solved, or misconceptions that I have. I think I need to get more into the habit of just sitting and existing with them, without it necessarily needing a solution from me immediately. I’m glad I do stuff like CBT to address it, as I think that helps me reframe my thoughts a lot.

My depression has gotten worse again, and both my psychiatrist and therapist pushed me to look for treatment again. I might just go back to SSRIs in the hope that they help, I just don’t want to be on such a high dose again. I’m currently looking at Transcranial magnetic stimulation treatment, and hopefully that works. I’m kinda tired of living like this, to be honest. Not saying that I want to die or anything like that thankfully, but I’m just tired. I’m tired always, and I don’t really have it in me to do anything. I just want to sleep for a few months. Maybe then I’ll be better.

Situation: I might start treatment again

Thoughts: It won’t work, and I just end up having to deal with side effects and lose valuable experiences in life due to them. It’s just like SSRI’s again.

Feelings: Feel hopeless, and like I don’t want to do it or anything else.

Behavior: I sit here and rot

Thoughts: There’s more to gain than there is to lose. Also, TMS is a new thing, and seems very promising. And maybe it does work.

Feelings: I feel tired, but a bit more optimistic. At least enough to try to go through with it.

Behavior: Maybe I get better, at least I try.

I’m going to go to sleep. Hopefully, I wake up and somethings different. My DBT workbook is coming soon, I’m at least looking forward to that. I love you Ansh ♥

I usually have my bike locked right outside my apartment. I again forgot to grab it yesterday, so I left it at the parking structure. I think I could have been upset that I have to walk over to get it, but I also had a thought “I get to enjoy the sun on my walk over”

I wonder if life could be inherently enjoyed, even if the specific circumstances don't change. Maybe it's all just a point of view?

Situation: Friend mentioned that they didn’t really want to go to concerts together

Thoughts: There must be some inherent trait about me that makes them not want to do that with me.

Feelings: Feel rejection, and also like there is something I am doing wrong.

Behavior: I get hurt, and I feel this resentment around them because of rejection.

Thoughts: This was them being honest, even if it had to be coerced a bit. That’s something I’m grateful for. Also, we are into very different styles of music – I also know that I usually don’t see friends as people I can be myself at concerts with. If I flip our positions, I would feel much more anxious at the concert and probably not enjoy myself as much if I went with them, or other friends for that matter. There’s nothing wrong with them, I just prefer being alone so I don’t have to worry about behaving a normal way. I can be at whatever energy I want.

Feelings: It’s an uncomfortable thing to hear, but not inherently bad. The only bad thing is the connotation that isn’t even necessarily true.

Behavior: I behave as normal with no resentment.

I’m just happy today. There are many things to be happy about and not many things for me to be sad about currently. I’m just going to try to enjoy this while it lasts. I talked with a friend about our cringe private Instagrams, and I mentioned that this blog would most likely be the next iteration of that – something I look back on later and cringe about. At least currently I don’t feel that way, partially because I think I at least write down some insights, and it’s not just me crying like my old Instagram used to be.

I’ve been getting a lot of kind messages from people on my YouTube channel regarding my AoC walkthroughs, and I’ve been very happy to hear I’ve been able to help out a lot of people! It’s a shame I haven’t been able to do that with any friends, but oh well. You can lead a horse to the water, give them a straw, and flavor it even but that bitch won’t drink it. I think that’s what the saying is.

Situation: I see a friend making a big mistake in life

Thoughts: This is something fully avoidable, and I would rather them think I’m overbearing rather than them regretting this much later.

Feelings: I feel upset at myself for having to be put in this position

Behavior: They don’t change anything, and I’m just overbearing

Thoughts: I really owe no obligation to other people, and so if they are making big mistakes that’s up to them. I can help people out when they want help, but otherwise I should let them do whatever.

Feelings: Feel sad that I see them make huge mistakes, and a big resentful because they aren’t putting in the same effort I had to. But also I feel a bit more free.

Behavior: Maybe they don’t regret their decisions, after all I always could be wrong on how things turn out.

Love you Suman ♥