I finally got to face jealousy, and as I expected things didn't just work out super nicely like I told myself they can. It's still a pretty ugly thing. I think it's somewhat the feeling of not being enough and potentially being replaced that's hard. I think it's also the feeling of someone else moving on and replacing you, while you can't really do the same as easily. I think I'm still in control, but it's a little bit of a wake up call, and learning that I need to respect it.
I’ve been getting into basketball recently, and it’s been fun to try out new moves and to learn more about it. I even started to watch NBA games and it’s pretty fun, and it’s a nice way to kinda de-dopamine my brain since it’s much slower paced, and long form content. Not really sure what else to write today to be honest.
In just a little bit more, I’m going to graduate and move into an apartment in SD. Then I stay there for an indeterminate amount of time, and that’s when my life starts almost. I’m nervous but excited.
This is practice if nothing else for speaking up for myself. Something my got on my nerves, and they continue to push it. Body language and responses aren't enough, and so good on me for being explicit and saying I wanted some space right now.
It kind of pisses me off that I just have to take this, because if I retaliate and ruin their night the way they ruined mine, it would just be a messy situation overall. And so now I guess I have to act like I'm less pissed off than I am.
183k has turned into some weird fucked up mantra for me. I think I'm pretty thankful that I have something worth hiding or at least being insecure about for sharing. But it then turns into a quiet rage that builds up into pride. I thought about how the only people that can be happy for you are above you, or not in the same race. I think that's true. Or at least to a decent amount. I think that's probably why I feel so comfortable being a beginner or bad at something, because then you don't have to worry about everything else that comes with being the victim of envy.
Today, my wrist was feeling a lot better, but I still took a rest. I spent a lot of time with friends after finishing the tasks I had to do, and afterwards I stayed up just watching YouTube videos because I kept laughing so hard. It’s moments like this that make me realize that being happy could be this simple.
I didn’t go to martial arts today. I won’t go to gymnastics tomorrow, or meet with my friends to play music, or go to the gym to exercise. All of these things are to let my wrist heal so I can go back to doing them soon, but I don’t like what may happen. I don’t want to be depressed. I’m sleeping super late, just staying up watching youtube.
Title’s a lyric from a surf curse song I’m learning. I sprained my wrist, pulled my neck and got a burn on my left leg. I’m mostly sad about the wrist, hurts to do anything really. Too much I want to say but can’t type without pain.
He was such a good boy today. Nothing out of the ordinary, but he is right now cuddled up on the bean bag waiting for me to come back half covered in the blanket. I love him so much.
A told me last week how S invited them to a softball game, and I didn't really want to hear that. The thought I wanted to get out of my head by writing down was how a part of me wants to say that S chose A over me in the breakup – which feels bad given the context I know that I can't really write here in good conscience. I remember when we broke up I asked A to let me have S as a friend and they agreed, but it kinda feels like the opposite happened. The depression wants me to think that A forced her hand, or that S made a conscious decision to prioritize her. I know these thoughts are irrational so I don't give them much thought.
But I think the important part is putting my money where my mouth is; I was talking with R and she mentioned how she sometimes struggles with jealousy over her partner, and how in theory my take is if your partner would cheat, then that isn't the partner you would want. I also immediately acknowledged how for me that only works in theory. To a different extent I think that applies here however.
Independent of cause or scenario, I think I have lost solid amount of feedback on what my relationship with S looks like. I asked them if they wanted to do something for deltopia and they agreed, but and we didn't really communicate and we did different things. Also it's not like we communicate much or frequently given the 2 day delay. So we work out once a week, and if that doesn't happen we don't need to reschedule. It's a pretty low stakes friendship, and so that's the mental model I need to work under. Do I think it would be nice to hang out and do stuff? Yes – but that's given the very important context of them wanting to do that past the barrier for initiating. And so if that's not the case, it doesn't really make sense to hold it in my mind.
I think this reads very negative or passive aggressive, but I really don't hold any negative feelings towards S. I'm just surprised how my brain latched onto this information. Realistically it's just some variation of abundance. S is plenty busy and her social niches are met, and so proximity and frequency of interaction probably accounts for invitation. Like I love A to death, when he came last Friday it was fucking awesome, we spent like the whole day together. I love hanging out with him, but also I have other more accessible friends right now like T and E, and so I do things with them. This parallel makes me also feel like this dynamic for me exists because of the low maintenance for A. If he was more needy or a shaky relationship, it wouldn't look like this. So a nice thought is thats my situation with S also. It's not like I'll get upset at S and make passive aggressive comments about plans or try to force myself in. And so if I was in her shoes the relationship is stable. And so isn't that great? After all it's not like I'm unsatisfied with my social connection right now. So I have to have anxiety and ask if I'm happy and they're happy what's the issue? All that's really weighing on me is the past relationship we had but things change. If things never changed, things would have never changed. I really like that quote because of how stupid it sounds. I'm glad I wrote about this because I feel better now! God what a strange thing to be a brain and to have thoughts and change so easily.