An Open Letter

I had a great few days recently, I’ve been studying for my midterms and have really enjoyed that. Also, I’ve had plenty of new music to listen to which I’ve been enjoying, and I’ve had a good amount of time to myself to do things I like. Today’s midterm felt pretty good, and I think I failed (superstition). Might as well fill this filler entry with that superstition.

Around 10th grade, I realized two things, that I actually enjoyed math and I didn’t have to say that I hated it, and also that whenever I told someone “I failed” a test, I always did insanely well. If I ever told someone that I felt good about it, I would somehow magically do badly, even if I was completely confident in that. Since then I don’t risk it because every time I have, it’s gone badly. So yeah, I failed this midterm also.

R – 3 breaths

E – S and L are always gone for the weekend, and so I don’t get to hang out with them, and so I kinda feel like they don’t want to hang out. I guess that’s more of an insecure thought that I don’t really feel, but I more feel sad that we don’t get to do anything cool. I’m aware that I have a limited amount of time with everyone, and it feels like a large chunk of it has gone to nothing.

S – Try to cherish the time I have with them, and more concretely figure out time for plans.

T – I’ll send a message in the group chat for next to next week.

I decided might as well play 5 games of ranked this season so I could get a rank for the victorious skin – and immediately my games were d2. This is higher than anything I’ve been in before, but also the players were just like toddlers who understand the game but also play like ass. Surprisingly chill, I just listened to music and didn’t give a shit about winning and ended up going 3W2L even with inters. I ended up getting D4 57lp which is the highest rank I’ve ever gotten lol. Was a good day.

R – 3 breaths

E – I feel worried that I may not be happy in life, not for any reason but just the fear of that: at least in the short term.

S – I have plenty of time to just Jcole-max and be at peace with the world. The sun is out, I have my books, a skateboard, and plenty of things to do with my free time.

T – Just sit with this peace I guess

I think the more experiences I get, the more I find out I’m alike others but also that I am fundamentally different. It’s this weird feeling where everyone’s part of the same puzzle but the pieces never really fit perfectly. You can force them into it, and get an alright representation of the bigger picture but it never really clicks right. You can click two pieces together but at the end of the day that may not be it’s right spot when you try to fit more. I am not really sure how we are all meant to exist in a group together as humans – are people meant to conform and mold into the communities they are raised by? Or are communities a byproduct of traits of people – and how do those exist if people are all fundamentally unique.

R – 3 breaths

E – I feel confused and a bit scared at life as a whole.

S – I should make sure to set time aside for high-effort meditation, where I don’t half-ass it.

T – Tomorrow after I workout or when I get 10-15 minutes during the day I will meditate.

My god. 3 Kendrick tracks within 3 days. This is a genuine heaven for me. Dear lord, I’m glad Kdot came out swinging for 0 reason on “like that”. But also thank GOD because I’ve BEEN a Drake slanderer, his team makes good music, but he has no credibility as an artist and it’s insane for him to be saying he’s even in the contention for greatest rapper.

R – 3 breaths

E – I felt very weak today, and I overall just felt shitty at the gym and unhappy with myself.

S – Recognize the limitations of my body and the variability of things, and forgive myself a bit more.

T – Accept that I’m not like freakishly weaker, I just slept barely anything last night, just am coming out of a cut, and also have had a very randomly sporadic workout schedule.

To be honest, being a low BF% fucking sucks. Everything is way more defined and all that but I feel so fucking weak. What's the point of looking muscular, I'd rather be violently strong. I felt a bit disgusted with myself today because I had to drop my weight drastically for bench. I just couldn't do 185x10 for 5 sets. Hell I couldn't do it for 3. Old me would have loved that but present me hates it.

I saw someone leg pressing 5 plates and it wasnt even bad ROM. Comparison really is the thief of joy.

In the least concerning way possible, today became one of those days where I just want to feel pain. I kinda get it now; I guess I feel like if I can control and get used to physical pain then I can control mental pain. I've liked the idea of conditioning, I know my shins hurt a lot and MMA people condition them, so it doubles as making me feel more powerful. I ended up settling for pushing myself harder right now. I always err on the side of caution because I've hurt myself several times before, but today I just kept reminding myself of what I was sick of.

I just got back from bar hopping with a new group of people, It was a very interesting night. I think every time I go out I remind myself that I can easily make friends and people want to be around me. I guess it's just hard for me to internalize that, but at least I've internalize the fact that dancing is fun. No dbt tonight, I promise I'll do it tomorrow I'm about to go to sleep Good night.

I stayed up playing games with S and T, while L chilled in call for a bit. We lost so many games in a row playing arena, but I think these are the times I’ll look back on and be happy for.

I started writing the new blog, so hopefully I can get that finished up soon and deployed – no DBT tonight as I’m exhausted and need as much sleep as I can get. Love you as always, me

Holy fuck Kendrick dropped this morning, and I was genuinely tweaking in my car hours later. I have been fucking QUIVERING with each new double entendre I learn about, this shit is about to be a second golden age, like control part 2. I’m so incredibly thankful to be alive for it.

R – 3 breaths

E – I’ve been struggling to meditate and read recently because I’ve been staying up later, and am too tired to focus at night.

S – I want to figure out a better time to read, and also meditate after workouts more consistently.

T – I can start taking my book with me for my downtime.

To be clear, it’s a temporary suspension – only until the first. I had a habit of joining every server I was invited to because then I’d be able to have access to things I wouldn’t have otherwise without networking. But turns out Discord is not a big fan of a couple of servers, as some random ones got banned for breaking ToS and my account got two strikes. I went ahead and left all those random servers, but either way, I wasn’t able to send any sort of messages today.

Weirdly it was kind of nice – in a strangely peaceful way. I also had a good session of therapy this morning, where I was thinking about my fears with P. I guess I’m still worried about L and S interacting with me less due to having P move in with them, and this all was spurred on by seeing P for the first time and trying to introduce myself, and they didn’t hear me. I guess in a sort of morbid way, I want to remind myself that no matter what I have been able to adapt to have my needs met. I’ve always been able to make some friends in some way, so I don’t have to worry about being truly alone. Necessity breeds effort, I guess.

That being said my therapist was trying to get me to be less of a doomer. Things aren’t the worst-case scenario, no matter how much mental illness tries to construe it that way. I know I like the idea of personifying mental illness, but I wonder if I could give it a cute little name. My first thought was the name Luci, but I love that name too much. I have Kendrick to thank for that name.

I do think that I should take the time to read “the subtle art of not giving a fuck” again when I can – I realized I care too much in life for a lot of things. I can find peace when I accept what’s happening and the things I don’t have control over.

I really like that one Reddit comment – someone had a boss who managed to stay calm always, and they asked them how they did that in the face of all of these other problems. The boss said, “One day someone close to you will be dying, and the rest of your problems won’t seem to matter anymore.” Why should I wait on tragedy for me to find peace?

R – 3 breaths

E – I find my scars of exclusion stretched open by the whole situation with S, L, and P. But also I am catastrophizing consistently – and regardless this isn’t a definite fear at all. I also know that I don’t need to be constantly chosen every single time to be loved.

S – I know that this is an incredibly sensitive issue for me, so I will give myself compassion here; but also there is no benefit for me to mentally self-harm myself by constantly thinking and trying to come to terms with the worst-case scenario. I will let go of this and enjoy the present.

T – I will remind myself that this is a worst-case thought, but also that I should rather enjoy the present instead of living in fear of losing this friendship in the future.

I went on a long walk again today, and I started using my weighted ankles. I only used 2 bars on each side, so it was fairly light but still did start testing my endurance. I’ve been cutting for a bit over a month now, and while I am a lot more shredded and lean, I don’t necessarily think that it’s worth it. I don’t have a problem really doing either, gaining weight or losing it – as in I don’t mind it. But I do feel like the pros outweigh the cons for bulking instead.

I guess instead of DBT I’ll do some pro’s and con’s and somewhat justify the decision I’d like to make.

Pros of cutting:

• Lighter, more nimble
• Physically seem much more toned, and muscular
• Drastically more vascular
• Abs
• Less fat on the body, notably on my face
• Practice discipline
• Hot summer body

Cons of cutting:

• More injury prone
• Less energy
• Physically weaker
• Less intimidating
• Smaller physically
• More constraints on eating
• Can’t cook as delicious food
• A more strict and policed diet
• No point of hot bod

I guess in my eyes the big appeal of cutting is the last part – but I feel like to me that’s moot. I like the way I look in both aspects, for different reasons – but a “summer” body doesn’t apply to me as I spend my summers online or at some tech work internship. Me having a six-pack doesn’t matter there, does it?

I do think that being less prone to injury is a much better thing, as doing martial arts weekly and jiujitsu sparring has got me pretty beat up. I think I’d like to also have more energy from it.

I also want to get more into cooking in my free time, also because it is financially more responsible. I guess I’d also like to bake more often, I do enjoy baking but also I don’t like the feeling of my friends looking down on me in that aspect. I don’t need to prove anything to them, but I would like to show myself that I am fully capable and able to succeed in anything I put my mind to. So I guess I’d like to bake for myself. But also I wouldn’t mind if I was able to show S and L that I am more than they think, and not someone to look down on. But also I need to see the parallels to T and humble myself – I can only really let myself get drunk on this fantasy if I put in the work behind it and back it up. And I guess I know that a growth mindset is incredibly important, so a more responsible mindset would be that I want to get better and learn it.

I guess I’m kinda convinced in my mind that I want to bulk up. I want to say that this is from a healthy point, and not due to any sort of eating disorder or anything like that. I actually realized after my date with C that I don’t think it’s appropriate for me to say that I’ve had a brush with ED before, for the few weeks where I followed an extreme crash diet, that was more of a silly little experience more than the traumatic experiences I feel like I’ve heard from every woman I’ve talked to. I feel like it’s incredibly disrespectful and naive for me to say “Oh man yeah! I get it!” I don’t have any sort of trauma or negativity revolving around food, and I’m pretty rational in that department, even at my lowest. I don’t want to say anymore that I have any sort of experience with ED out of respect. I wouldn’t want someone to say the same things about my struggles.

I’m happy with myself for writing something with actual substance today, even if it’s tucked away at the end here. I hope I can eventually rewrite this blog in react as my own little project, as now is the perfect time to do that. I’m proud of you and I love you Karyios, goodnight!