An Open Letter

I think it's kind of funny when I turned on my voice to text to start rambling, all I really let out was a really big sigh. The whole situation with A a has got me kind of fucked up right now in a kind of mild way. It also doesn't help that my wrist is still sprained, and I fractured my toe on my right foot. But at least for the first time in a while I was able to actually work out today. Didn't feel great, but at least I did it.

I realized with A at the end of the day I'm really not a priority. In the moment when she doesn't want to lose me, she will say all these things that make me feel like I am a priority and that she will change, but it just won't happen at least in the short term. I guess the reason why I feel like I can say this, is because I know what I would do in her situation and I see the stark contrast between what I think is reasonable and what she is doing. I've been on the hook with promises of change and actions that she can do to show me that I can trust her and feel comfortable with her, and then I just sit there waiting for something that'll never come. It does feel like I'm on the string, with this whole time me telling myself that I'm in control about what I feel comfortable with and making sure this whole situation is something that is good. But I think I have to kind of come to terms with the fact that sweet nothings are just that, and talk is cheap. I think it does suck to kind of find out that you're being lied to, in the sense of someone isn't actually willing to do the things that they say they will. But writing it down finally I feel like I'm free from that. I think it really hurt the other day because when we finally did it again, she said something that we had talked about earlier that I feel really uncomfortable with. And then she kind of just became really selfish again, and so that's when I was just happy that she's leaving because I didn't really feel comfortable around her. And then I had to drive her to the hospital and stay by her side for an extra four hours. I'm really sad that I lost one of the few days I had with S left. But at the end of the day I guess me and her are kind of just acquaintances which sucks for its own reasons but oh well. Or at least distant friends. I think I feel kind of alone in moments like this, or are at least that's what I'm feeling right now. It feels like a lot of my mental bandwidth is directed towards people that don't really I guess prioritize me in some way. And I hope this doesn't come off as me saying that I need to be some kind of princess treatment or something like that, but rather that I would hope that friends would put in effort to interact with me, and also care about my feelings. Like I know that E does, at least in the way of initiating both conversations and hangouts which I really appreciate. I think this is kind of the problem of being the initiator friend because some people are just really confident with that – but not me. It was more learned because I wanted to have more control over my socialization. But it still sucks because at the end of the day I really want my friends to want to interact with me, and I feel that most when they initiate or try to make plans.

I think arguably as important, I think friendship should be a two-way street. I think it's fucked up one person does shitty things, and then it's expected to just forgive that and keep giving to them. I have a decent amount of friends that aren't really emotionally mature or are kind of shitty at times. But they also make up for it in different ways, whether that's trying to show that in their own ways, or initiating and making me feel valued. At the end of the day it's not like it's equivalent, but I am completely happy with that because to me it feels like someone at least feels bad for when they do bad things. I know some friendships exist where both people are shitty, and it's kind of just a tit for tat situation and since both people dish it, they both just accept it after some time. I feel like that's the kind of relationship that A needs. Like if someone's shitty to her back, or says or does things that are like hurtful from negligence, maybe that's something she would be able to sustain. Because it's kind of clear that she cannot take accountability or make up for her mistakes when she makes them. And it kind of consistently feels like she takes for granted and isn't appreciative of a lot of things. I know that everyone is at different stages and has their own problems, myself included, but I feel like this dynamic really takes a toll on me. I value being kind, generous and empathetic and I don't want to change those values. But at the same time, that ends up making me feel really shitty when those things are kind of taken for granted and never reciprocated, because I think I also want/expect those things in return. I'm not really good at the relationships where you kind of just sweep problems under the rug, and I'm pretty sure that's what she's used to.

I'm kind of happy that depression has the side effect of shitty memory, because I've forgotten a lot of the hurt from her. I think that's a good thing because that means maybe I've processed it, because whenever I think back to it it doesn't really sting (except for the new stuff). But I'm also happy that this whole relationship happened, because to me that's a sign that first of all I can love such an incompatible person. And so I think if I have someone that respects me and can communicate, that means I can absolutely love them in a sustainable way which is nice. That means that I'm not really limited to the people I could have a happy relationship with which is nice. I think also, this makes me feel more confident in my own values as a person. Even when she did things that were toxic and manipulative, I did not do those things in retaliation even when given the pass to. And so I think even when hurt in that way, if I'm not willing to do that back I think I feel pretty confident in my own moral stance then which I'm happy about. Also I'm happy that even with such a one-sided thing and the constant disrespect, the fact that I'm still kind to her makes me proud of myself. A lot of the times I'll think about stooping to her level, and retaliating in similar ways that she does. But then I think about how that would just be something that at the end of the day I would know that I have done and that's not who I want to be. And so I'm kind of happy that I can take it on the chin without faltering. But also I really hope that I don't get pushed too far to the point where I think that future relationships have to go the same. That's the danger of a small sample size. I really don't want to generalize this to other relationships, but I think that that's a pretty realistic outcome that I have to fight against.

All things considered, I think it's time to listen to the advice from my friends or at least something in that direction. I need to have some self-respect and a backbone. I don't want to keep setting the precedent that I am someone that can handle being treated shitty, and then being put on the back burner. It's the same problem as being the child that doesn't have the loud tantrum, because no matter how bad I was hurting my parents would put their resources into my sister because of her outbursts. I need to remember that that was what I learned, and so I need to actively work away from that and that means advocating for myself.

Chin up man.

So last night after I posted I was called by a crying A. I drove her to the hospital, and stayed with her until 5:30 AM. The whole time I was distracting her and helping her, and when they finally discharged her and it was time to go, she made a joke about how it was my fault. It was not my fault, it was a ruptured ovarian cyst. She apologized saying it was a joke, but it really feels like shit to go through all of that to help her, when she could have asked another friend or one of her housemates. And then I had to cancel my other plans today because I got home at 6 AM. I was planning and ready to sleep early tonight so I was able to finally hang out with S, and instead there goes that because I’m the one that A trusts and feels comfortable asking for support from. And so I lose out on one of my last few days with S, and my other plans. I get it that emergencies happen. But I wish that she actually appreciated how much I did for her and what I had to give up. Driving her to the hospital was already one thing, but staying with her in the shitty folding chair for 5 hours by her side, while distracting her and calming her down is a whole extra layer. She even told the doctor that I was her boyfriend. It’s upsetting to me that she gets a boyfriend, and I get an ex who keeps hurting me from being selfish, and refuses to take any accountability for it. I can’t even look at her anymore I feel like.

I just realize how little changes. I still remember the bad things, and I also remember how A’s response was “we should stop arguing and bringing up past hurt”. I think I’ve hit the point of giving up finally for a bit now honestly. I don’t really respect them enough to go out of my way and put myself in harm’s way to try to have a proper conversation with them about anything that would be beneficial to talk about. The 5:1 rule has been long violated, and so at this point I’ve kinda emotionally detached myself so far that I wouldn’t even really consider them anything past a casual friend. I feel like there’s so much positive feedback today I just got, but I can’t help but focus on the parts that I’ve explicitly warned against, or the things that were never addressed. If nothing else, I feel like it’s just a good petri-dish to stir that resentment and frustration, just to make me want to go to the gym that much more lol.

After A left, I suddenly was able to play the solo to Maple Syrup so much better. I played night shift, plastic trees, and finally just kept playing the solo to maple syrup. There are so many other people and friends where I feel fulfilled and safe with, and I come back feeling happier. A was that at one point, but the constant shit dished out that I’ve had to just sit with has continued to poison that to the point of seemingly no repair. If nothing else I’ve learned how little I really want them at this point, and so they’re just a time-filler. It’s sad that someone I used to love so much has become this, but what can I do when they do horrible things and then continually lie to me about them. There’s only so many chances I can give them before I have to accept who they seem to be.

It’s strange how I can’t really think of what I did today with my day. I know what I did, but also looking back on it, I don’t really feel like I went through it. It’s like more the knowledge that the day happened and what I did, along with memories of what I experienced, but not really feelings tied to it I guess. It’s a weird little bitter aftertaste. Oh well.

We went and saw another movie today as our trio. I really enjoy it and they do too, and I kind of wish we did this earlier instead of in the last month we have together. Afterwards me and L and drove around and we talked for like 2 hours, we even went to the abandoned school and he freaked me out which was pretty funny. We looked at the stars and saw the big Dipper for the first time in my life. This level of connection only happened because of how little opportunities we have left. It's kind of funny how you appreciate it the most when you're about to lose it.

I’d like to believe that I’ve had to work hard for the successes I’ve had in life. I’m kinda thankful that I’m not really naturally good at a lot of things. I started LoL at silver, and now I’m aiming for masters fairly comfortably. I started lifting incredibly scrawny, and I joined the 1k club in a year. Compared to others, I was pretty stupid and a low achiever, and now I’m finishing my masters with a 4.0 at the top of my class. I used to be horribly clingy and depressed, and now I’m someone strangers describe as happy, and I consider myself to be emotionally sound. I want to believe this narrative where I’ve had my successes in life because of how hard I’ve worked at things I was not always good at. I like this because that means that I can do virtually anything I put my mind to. I had my last novice basketball game today, and it went pretty poorly. I didn’t get any chances to warm up, and didn’t get many chances with the ball during the game anyway. I’m still doing my best to enjoy it, and I had a pretty good time all things considered – even after the game, the opponents asked me specifically to join them for 3v3 based fully on personality, I believe. I asked if my other two teammates who were there could join, and they said no (which is a rough position, but I am happy that they wanted to play with me).

All of this was a weird pre-ramble because I was moving over notes from my old Google Keep, and I saw some of the images I had saved from earlier in therapy when I was collecting evidence to help me believe that I am loved. One of them was a screenshot from E, where they told me that I am a good friend, and she wants to put in the effort to make sure not to lose me when she goes overseas. My gut reaction was a “that’s ironic”, given how that didn’t happen, and for some reason or another, we fell apart there. But it made me think about putting in effort in relationships, and how I was talking with my therapist earlier today about that briefly. I don’t think I’m a stranger to putting in work, especially with how much I’ve had to self-learn about socialization and all that, given my isolated upbringing. I want to be a human and just lament about how others have fallen short of what I know is possible, but thinking about it right now in this instance I kinda feel like maybe I DON’T understand the type of work they have to do. So how am I supposed to know what they did or what they didn’t?

I often think about the situation of someone leaving home to go to college or move away for something like that, and how a lot of people are torn up having to leave their family. That must be incredibly hard to have that level of stability, reliability, and community – hell having that family and having to leave it. But at the same time, me leaving family is a good thing, and moving far away from them at most is an inconvenience of not having the ability to ask my Dad for help driving up for when I have to move to some other city for an internship. I don’t need to worry about proximity since I have no proximity with my family, even online (aside from my Dad). I am no contact with my Mom, and I have no clue what’s happening with my sister so that’s effectively the same. And with my Dad, it’s mostly just like a manager where we sporadically text for logistics like moving, or medical insurance purposes. Yeah that sucks, but I never have to deal with the abrupt change of losing that the same way others may have to when leaving their families. Maybe it’s similar for socialization and friendships. One benefit of not having the ability to grow up with people in the normal way is I don’t have to worry about baggage from that as much. Maybe I’ve had friends who have fallen short of my mark in the past because they’ve had bad models of friends growing up, and I push against that mold in a way that’s unfamiliar. For me, the nice thing is that virtually everything (except Discord friends) is unfamiliar, and so there’s a big sense of comfort there. Maybe it’s just tonight, but I feel a sense of peace at this whole problem that’s stuck with me for a while.

I don’t really know what to say. It’s setting in, and I’ve been in this weird haze of nasuea or distraction. I think I’ve built enough faith in myself to be able to socialize well and to get along with people and facilitate that kind of interaction, but I’m a bit worried about how it actually shakes out. I’m really excited for my cruise with A, that’s one of the adult experiences I’ve been super looking forwards to. Ahh, I just don’t know.

I woke up today and had a splitting headache, and had to miss one of my last few days at martial arts. It’s kinda scary how little I have left, and how little is guaranteed.

So that nausea from yesterday? Yeah, right after posting, I went and projectile vomited several times, and continued to do that throughout the next 24 hours. Turns out I got a really bad case of food poisoning from that wingstop, and so I’ve been sleeping the entire day today and throwing up. Fun.

Every day for the last few years, I’ve had a gratitude list where I write at least 5 things that I’m happy about that day. Today it was really hard to fill it up. I thought I did everything right. I was somewhat productive programming today, I went and worked out, played basketball in the sun, and I texted a lot and even played games with friends. I did my laundry. And yet I’m horribly depressed right now. I just want to cry from feeling this helpless. I went to pick up food, and I saw people out partying, and bills bus driving people to downtown. And then I felt sad that my friends don’t party or go out like that, and so I don’t have people to go with. In a few weeks, my six years in this college town will end. Honestly, I find myself terrified right now. The thing I’m most afraid of right now is the depression from the uncertainty of what will happen. It doesn’t help that I think that A will be going out and partying, and for some reason, I keep feeling this FOMO seeing it so close to me. A part of me thinks this is like my childhood all over again, growing up and not doing fun things because instead I was studying or focusing on things I had to do. And then those set me up super well for now, but I told myself I’d stop doing that and live life. I know that I’m just depressed right now, and I shouldn’t think about it much, but it does make me kinda sad that I don’t have that option. I feel sad that I never really got like a core group of friends that will last me my life, like I feel I always see. None of my original friend group did their masters here, and I never really replaced that in my classes. I have N and L, and also S but S faded away and I wish I had done more with N and L. Also it’s a shame I met R so late, she’s cool and I wish we could have hung out more. I get worried that this sporadic loneliness is something that I deserve. Like it’s something I did, and not just me being unlucky, through either circumstance or my childhood making me flawed in some way I can’t recognize. I wish I could hear more about how others feel lonely, because I don’t want to feel like I’m the only one like this. God I hope I’m not doomed to this forever. Everything changes. I just hope it changes for the better.

Situation – I saw bills bus and was already feeling depressed, and I was regretting something I can’t really pin down.

Thoughts – I feel like this has to mean that I’m flawed in some way and a loser, or something like that since I don’t have a friend group that goes out like that.

Feelings – I feel like crying, and I feel like I’ve wasted my life.

Behaviors – I feel miserable, beat myself up, and probably strain other relationships.

Thoughts – Way way way more people I know don’t party or club, compared to the people I know who do. It’s not like clubbing is something that’s a mandatory requirement to be normal or anything like that. I haven’t wanted to force myself to go with the opportunities I’ve had, and so it’s not like I’m unloveable.

Feelings – Still feel depressed, but this cloud passes.

Behaviors – One less battle.