Today, she came over to grab her stuff, and we ended up talking for a while, which quickly led to crying and hugging each other. We talked about everything, and we both took turns saying our POVs. I showed her the video I had saved, and she understood. She even said she was sorry about the pain she had caused me in that, and I didn’t expect that at all. She also told me her side of things.
One was how much she was terrified after I had told her my fear about her being in person when we talked the night we broke up. I told her that I set the boundary on not being in person for that talk since I was terrified with how much I was hurting with the recent loss of my mom, and the agonizing breakup conversation, if something went too far for me and she pushed past my request to stop talking, I was afraid about potentially killing myself with the medications in my cabinet. I want to be clear and say that I don’t think this would happen, but I also know that at least once before in a conversation at lower stakes she had pushed past my request to stop talking and I locked myself in the bathroom to get away. But that being said, I said my reasoning for the boundary as an explanation of why, rather than a warning or anything like that. But that, in combination with the lack of communication after we agreed to break up left her in a paralyzing fear that I had killed myself. It broke my heart to hear that and I couldn’t even come to imagine how terrifying that must have been for her.
But more importantly, she told me that some of the things that I had said weren’t things that she could forget. I remember what she was talking about. The conversation all revolved around how she had unintentionally said something that hurt me in all the worst places, and to me it felt like she didn’t understand how much it had hurt me. I felt like if she had understood how much I was hurt, she would understand that I needed her to just validate my feelings and to be there for me rather than argue about how she didn’t mean to do that. In my frustration and rage, I told her that I could make her understand how hurt I was, and she told me to do it. I cannot begin to say how much shame and regret I hold for doing that. I then used the information that she had confided in me from a position of vulnerability to push on those fears and pains, all to try to get her to understand how an ‘innocent’ sentence on the surface could cause such horribly deep pain. In the moment I knew that this would hurt her, but I justified it by thinking about how she had hurt me so badly and she just couldn’t understand how deep that wound ran. I knew that there was a difference, in the fact that her comment was unintentional and mine wasn’t. Even though the end result was meant to be the same, she didn’t say that knowing that it would hurt me like that. But I did. I said that with the intention of hurting her that deeply. There are no other words to describe this but cruel. How horrific must it be to have someone you love use the information you trusted them with to craft a dagger to cut you to the core. I know I was hurt badly by what she said. And I know that I was hurting more because she wasn’t supporting me but hurting me more. But she didn’t mean to. She just didn’t know better at the time. I consciously chose to hurt someone I love in such a cruel betrayal. I’m so fucking sorry. I’m so fucking sorry A. Words cannot even begin to describe how much my heart breaks for realizing what that must have felt like for her. I wish I held that back but I didn’t, and the second best thing I can do is try to make it right if I can. I just don’t know how.
I know that she did things that hurt me, but I am not innocent in this either. I’m truly sorry for the hurt I’ve caused her.
I got home and just broke down crying. After a while of it stopping, it would happen again and I’d sob. One of the big issues was how much she dismissed my feelings. I’d tell her how I was feeling, and she’d argue with me about how that was not the case. Then, I would feel even worse. That’s pretty much all of our arguments. I found a video that explained it so perfectly well, and I wish I could send it to her. I’m almost upset that I found this video putting it into words so perfectly well, since now I desperately want to show her it so she may understand. But regardless, that ship has sailed, and nothing will change that. Her dismissing of my feelings was one part of the problem, but she still didn’t have the space to try to understand me or get to know me, and it felt like I was always focused on her in the relationship. It felt like the love went away with each of the papercuts that led to this death. The part that hurts so bad right now is this bargaining I guess, where I’m trying to convince myself that it could still work out, maybe in a week from now or so she can watch that video and magically change that problem overnight. But she would still not have enough space for me. And she would still have all of her problems that would be put on my plate, and I would be forced to be like a therapist for her. She would still get aggressive and angry whenever we tried to talk about something serious, and I would have to just sit down and take it. I don’t want that anymore. I’d rather be single.
Even though we have all the information in the world from the internet I feel like I haven't understood why people would break up like this until I'm thrown deep into the ocean by it. We ended up agreeing that we should break up last night. For me I had been feeling this way for a while, because we kept having a pattern of her doing something that would hurt me, and then there wasn't a good way for me to be able to communicate that to her. I don't blame her, but I guess we are just different people. I really tried to make it work, but at some point it just wasn't going to. It hurts really bad because both I don't want it to end and I want it to work out, but at the same time it's just been eating at me and hurting me and it's for the best. It hurts because it's almost intangible on why we couldn't make it work. Like I'm struggling so much just to even put it into words, and I don't even know if I can.
I thought I was doing fine and okay, talking with friends and exercising and all that, but when I went to do my laundry and it's dark outside I realized I didn't have enough Tide pods and I almost broke down crying. This grief is painted by relief, but the grief refuses to let me forget that it exists. Fuck trying to write this in a artistic way or any stupid things like that, it really fucking hurts and I wish it didn't happen like that. Like I just don't know where the love went. It seemed so promising at the beginning, but the more and more we were together, it felt like she understood less and less of me. I felt like I just always had to argue for myself and something like that, but I don't think that's what love is supposed to feel like.
She said that she was upset that I don't listen to her problems as much anymore, and that's been because I've been struggling so fucking bad and on top of it less than a week ago I lost my mom – which was also something that she accidentally dug a knife into and that's what caused this whole thing. Well I guess it wasn't what caused it, I feel like this was coming for a while. I think more and more when we interacted love slowly turned into an understanding that she didn't get me and she wasn't going to. I kept feeling like to her I was just a benefit or resource to be used, but not an individual. I just felt so lonely when I was around her, that's a horrible feeling and I don't think that's what love should be like.
Since it's been hurting like this for a while and I fully was losing hope and finally lost all hope, it doesn't hurt as bad as I think it would have otherwise. I feel like I'm terrifyingly free. And lonely. I just wish it could have worked out, but at the end of the day I just never felt like she cared enough.
She would only do the things that I needed or try to understand me when I break apart in front of her, and in that dust I need to spoon feed her the puzzle pieces on how to love me. And then the second I start to reform myself into a human, that goes away. I don't blame her at all. I think she has so much strife and trouble in her life that maybe she just did not have the space for me in her mind, but that's still hurts me and I just could not take that.
No saving it, for the first time ever blocked each other and I don’t see that changing. If I can get my health things out of her control that’s it. It’s a shame but I guess I won’t have a mother.