An Open Letter

I grew up always compared to my sister. My parents did it enough that the times when they didn’t, I did it for them. They always had the awareness to not say it for the big things, like not getting top 20 in high school, or getting into Berkeley, or not getting varsity tennis. But I compared myself for them, just the way they taught me. I will never be able not to believe that failure, because they never said it. I did, just like how I learned.

The only thing my father acknowledged was my successes. But whatever I did was never enough for him to be happy with me. I got perfect scores in courses, took on obscene workloads, and won competitions, none of it mattered. All I ever got was “good job.” in a monotone voice. No eye contact either. It felt like it was always some consolation prize. It didn’t matter what I did, what I won, what I worked hard for. It was always a monotone statement said as an obligation.

Today hurt me a lot, because of those prior scars. But whenever I play with my friends, it doesn’t really matter what I do but it’s the same. Other than S, they don’t cheer for me when I do well, or even say anything if I am happy for myself. Today I had some of the best games of my life, my aim isn’t great so playing Cassidy was out of the norm – but I was doing INCREDIBLY well, hitting some of the best shots of my life. In one game I had more damage than the other DPS and tank combined, and even when I said I was doing the best I’ve ever done, silence. Not a single person was happy for me. But these people are also the ones to instantly jump at whenever I make a mistake. Without fail. The same condescending tone, like they’ve been waiting for me to fuck up. It destroys me slowly from the inside, only your mistakes pointed out and never anything else. They usually also shit on me when I’m happy for myself and say something. I could hit a full team shatter, get play of the game, and either complete silence or “eh, I would have done better”, or some other comment just to steal my joy.

I feel like it’s the same thing as my dad. Nothing I can do is good enough, but whenever I make a mistake they will never forget that. I hate sharing achievements because no one is ever fucking happy for me. I carefully guard the things I care about because I won’t get any empathy if I say them.

Rant over, I just wanted to get this out somehow. I’m sad because things won’t change with these friends, but I’d rather be strong enough to be fine with friends putting me down. I will say I do wish I had more friends to play with that felt like teammates, not enemies sometimes. I wish they noticed how often I consciously try to gas them up or hype them up. I just wish I had the same back.

I’ve somewhat found a routine. I work, come home, give Hash food, go to the gym, come back and I have 2-3 hours to play games and then time for bed. I’m almost too busy to struggle or think about other things, and it’s almost peaceful.

Swarm was out on the PBE, so me and T planned to play it today. We just beat the entire campaign on normal difficulty and had a great time. I told him in as many ways as I could think of to get cancer, solely because he got lucky and I didn’t on the last stage. I’m so thankful I met him, along with my other friends. I think these people know me best, and I also know myself through them. I am so grateful.

I like tank and support, but I don’t enjoy DPS. The reason why is because I feel like I don’t have control. Sometimes an enemy team will have some composition that just stomps my hero pool, or the enemy is just flat-out better. On tank I have options, on support I have a few less, but on DPS I just feel helpless. There is nothing I can do, and that feeling destroys me. Whenever I feel like there is nothing I can do on a character, that character gets almost sealed in my mind. It feels like something has been solved, and all roads lead to failure. And because it feels like there is no way to win, I lose all confidence in the character. In tank or support, I feel like I can point the finger somewhere else to know that I am not fighting an impossible battle, but on DPS I know that I am the issue. And so I have to face the fact that I am not good enough at DPS. And that feeling hollows me.

I had therapy after 2 weeks, since last week I had to cancel due to moving + work. I’ve found that I am too busy to even feel depressed/anxious, and so I’m not really sure what’s going on up there. I think things will settle down a bit, but hopefully I figure that out soon enough. I want to be able to just have a degen summer to some extent, but maybe this is a better balance where I don’t just burn out of gaming.

S met S and L for the first time today, we all played a bit of lethal company. Ironically, I was a little bit worried because I wasn’t exactly sure how tolerant either side would be. I think I was afraid for nothing, but I am a little bit afraid of any possible crossover episodes. I guess my fear is S’s lack of a filter and his honesty. Those are some of the things I love about him the most, as I know that he will give me the respect of being transparent with me about his thoughts. I also have a lot of trust in his character, as he is one of the most consistent in his beliefs people I’ve ever met. He doesn’t get swept up by trends or fads for activism, but genuinely believes in certain causes and is willing to make determined stands or compromises for them. I remember how he protested Taiwan’s oppression for years, way after it had subsided in the media. I also know that he is an incredibly loving and accepting person.

But I also am aware of the fact that he can be out of pocket, or say things that are not socially acceptable. I don’t actually disagree with the things that he says, as he has thought through the implications and meanings behind the things he says and has a valid rationale behind them. But also I get how it can be jarring or abrasive to others, as I think people typically who grow up in a bubble tie in connotations to words incredibly quickly. I guess that’s what my fear is. S is a great person, and I’m afraid of that being glossed over by something he says that gets taken the wrong way.

I guess I enjoy having this problem in some sense, as this means I am a multifaceted person and am not just living in one bubble. For all of the consequences of my upbringing, I am incredibly happy for being raised online, with how diverse of a group of people I’ve been able to be friends with.

I have just noticed there are 4 different types of bugs in my apartment covering the walls, and so I guess I won’t be able to keep my glass door open. AC 24/7 it is. I’m also exhausted in the sense where I don’t even really get a chance to write down anything for this blog, let alone actually have any substance. I’m kinda in a weird catatonic state where I don’t have the energy to properly journal. I guess I can finally write this in full candor, since she won’t read this ever: I broke up with B today finally. Break up might not be the right word, but I told her that we should stop dating. I just don’t see myself loving her, but I believe that she does. And so it’s cruel for me to wait any longer.

Brain don’t work, long day, Friday, and it is 3:33 AM. I have played league for like 4 hours after not playing anything this entire week and me and T just lost like every game in a glorious way. I just kept roleplaying a degenerate loser and it was so much fun. I had fun.

Today was a horribly draining day. I was just dead at work, and I finally bit the bullet and spent $450 on the MSF safety course. When finally going to get gear, it all kinda hit me. I feel ashamed to have changed my mind so fast, but talking with my dad and realizing how I would have to compromise on safety gear + the fact that even if I do everything perfectly I could have everything I care about stripped from my life was enough to make me reconsider. I decided to bite the bullet and just pay the $50 fee and refund the course. As free as the thought of riding on a sunny day is, the thought of having my hands or legs taken from me in some way is too much of a cost.

Also I realized I’m not in love, or close to it. I think I need to let her down softly somehow. I don’t know how to. It also doesn’t help I left for 30 minutes and Hash pooped and peed on the floor and carpet. I’m tired.

Today I hung out with S, and I got to meet more of their family. I realized that a family doesn't have to be strangers and can have actual genuine connections. I guess a little bit more strained and intimate at times, but I kind of does remind me of my relationship with my really close friends. The ones where I get in fairly consistent fights once in awhile, but at the end of the day we are still loyal to each other. I think that's a pretty beautiful thing.