Bright and early this time so that I can finally catch up on my debt of introspection. I've never written my post first thing in the morning and so I think the nature fit will be a little bit different because I know that I got a lot more depressed later in the evening when I have less energy. Oh yeah and also the title is just a miss heard lyric that I thought was kind of cool.
I got a little bit confused recently about who I am because of all changes in life. I feel like I've lost the stability that I used to have because I feel a little bit all over the place and I just generally feel this kind of fear of the unknown or unpredictability I guess. I need to remind myself that this is probably due to the fact that my social battery needs to be recharged a little bit more and treated a little bit more kindly. On Thursday I went out clubbing for a friend's birthday and we were drinking a lot, and then on Friday we went to a rave and we were drinking a lot, and on Saturday I finally said fuck it and I did not go to the social since I just wanted to stay home and play games with friends. Speaking about those friends, I'm still incredibly excited for our trip to Japan, but I'm also very stress right now because no one has stepped up to fill the hole made by me taking a little bit off the gas and not planning every single part of the trip. But now we are just going 15 mph on the highway because no one else is fully stepping up. This is really stressful and it also kind of makes me feel like shit because I feel like I make myself someone who's easy to take advantage of, similar to the group project that's happening right now. It feels like everyone else is saying they don't care and someone else will take charge, and if no one does I'm not sure what will happen and so I feel like again I have to take a lot onto my plate. I don't want to reach someone that always is forced to do extra. I guess I wish part of me have enough of a backbone to accept mediocrity or something of the sort.
Taking a step back I always feel like there is some part of me that I wish I could change or that I wish wasn't that way but at the same time I think they are relatively benign and it's kind of naive for me to think that they're self-isolated contained traits. I think if I was more masculine and someone that people fear more, I would also be someone that people felt comfortable around less which is something I really do value. I think there are silver linings to everything and they aren't always things that I consider and so I just take it for granted. I often wish that My parents let me have a little bit more of a normal childhood, and that I was able to have these regular experiences but also I think as difficult as it is it is much easier to learn how to be normal compared to learning how it feels to not be. I've met a handful of people that have had similar experiences and I feel like I've been able to empathize a lot better because I can somewhat relate. I just what I'm trying to say is I am glad I am who I am.
Today was the gymnastics / powerlifting social, which normally would have been amazing since I’m part of both of the clubs, but since I’ve gone out and drank the last two nights in a row I just want to sleep tonight. I bailed on the plans, and got to take a calm day to myself, where I caught up on some work and played games with friends. I’m ready to sleep.
I poorly managed my time and so I’m still super tired and exhausted and about to go to sleep. I really like therapy because I slowly get to figure out these big problems that I never would have considered, and because of it I slowly get to build a healthy life one piece at a time.
One time in middle school in PE when we had to run a mile, right at the start I tripped and got crushed by the rest of the kids and had the wind fully knocked out of me for the first time. While several other people came over to make sure I was okay including the teacher, I was desperately trying to breathe and I could not. I didn't know what was happening but I thought that in that moment something happened to my lung and I would die, I have no clue how I could possibly breathe like that. I was struggling to get air for what was about a minute but felt like forever, but then slowly I was able to breathe a little bit more and more. Soon enough I was completely back to normal aside from the fear of what had happened, but I of course fully recovered. In that moment I didn't know how I could possibly get better but in just a little bit of time it works itself out and you continue surviving.
Just got home, exhausted. She is right now fast asleep with Hash by her side, and after my shower I join her. I never thought I would struggle with vulnerability but I think I should be the one to make that jump soon.
Now that I'm finally recovering, I'm again infatuated with my girlfriend. This entire week while I've been dying to strep, I've been kinda depressed and had somewhat withdrawals from caffeine / my ADHD medication which definitely wasn't helping. Because of that, and because I was feeling nothing but depressed feelings like exhaustion or numbness, I automatically try to figure out what's causing these feelings. And so I get in my head and think about what's happening in life and I scare myself by thinking it's because I am now in a relationship. But no, it's because I'm sick and have been bedridden for a week. It's never that bad.
I had a watch party with L and N, and since I have strep I streamed it over Discord. The fight was fun to watch as a group, but the outcome fuckin sucked. But afterwards we just watched random UFC videos and then later N started showing me some football things and was explaining how the game works to me and showing me some famous plays. It was actually really interesting and I’d like to get more into it, as there’s a lot of cool strategy and also just a fun pastime. It was a great day.