An Open Letter

It’s happening! I placed the order today. The initial excitement has gone down, but I’m still incredibly happy. I can’t wait to just launch it all behind me.

Today I forced myself to go to plans, and went to a pool party with friends. I got a lot closer to some of them, and really enjoyed the time. I'm going racing tomorrow with them and hopefully ordering my new car! I think it is that simple, just do things scared and things change.

After shopping around for a car, I started to learn a little bit more about how finances work. By making some smart choices, I was able to save 7.5k immediately and an extra 200$ a month on insurance, all by myself. I honestly felt very empowered, and I want to learn more about finances. I’m starting to work full time next year, and so I want to get a good jump on things. I enjoy feeling like I am not ignorant.

Me and S installed it and the mods and were driving no hesi together while L watched. We kept going into low orbit after hitting the traffic dividers, and kept respawning together. It was a blast, another great night. After he got off me and L went down a rabbit hole and were looking at all of our digital footprints. It's 2am and my brain isn't working, but I hope I remember how I enjoy these memories.

I order the car on Saturday, and it’s actually happening! I still can’t believe it. I bought a Uniden r3 today and that comes tomorrow from amazon, so I can at least get that setup now. I’m really going to miss my Prius, I hope whoever she’s with next treats her well.

I had a good therapy session today, and a big thing we were talking about was dealing with envy. It’s shown up recently with why I think friends aren’t always happy for me with things, and that ended up leading to the thought of how other people don’t see the sacrifices that come with the financial/academic success I have now. I think it’s easy for people to see financial difficulties and sympathize with that, but I don’t know anyone irl who can sympathize with a lack of a childhood. Over summers I wouldn’t see a single friend until school started again, since I was locked at home doing SAT/ACT practice tests or studying for some other standardized test. I wasn’t allowed to go to friend’s houses, hang out with them, get rides from them, spend time after school or anything else like that. I never got to have any of those experiences, and so I feel a huge looming envy whenever people remind me of what they have. I do academically very well now because I did not have ANYTHING else growing up. When I say that was my entire life, I mean that – I didn’t get physical affection from my family, I didn’t get any kind of socialization, I had to teach myself social skills from reading things online and sneaking behind my parents back to talk to random people online. It was hell entering college and then having to start from square one, compared to everyone else who had parents who raised them to be a person outside of academics.

Because of that, yeah I am happy that I have this nicer thing than others. And I paid for it fully by myself. If I don’t have this to show, that means that I got robbed of any sort of childhood or adolescence for nothing, and I can’t stand to live with that thought. But I do wish someone else actually understood what life would be like without any of their socialization or development as a human until 18. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

Today while driving back home I was thinking about how I’ve had the project of writing this blog myself sitting on a shelf neglected for months. I have time today, so I told myself I’d sit down and work on it. I told myself that if I did do it, then it was essentially like earning $10 a month forever, and I’d jump at the chance for that. That’s the exact same thing as me not spending $10 a month on this, and so that should be motivation to get that working. When I sat down to do it, I got it loaded but immediately got overwhelmed with the task and didn’t know how to implement either infinite grid scrolling or some sort of authentication, and so I ended up doing literally nothing for it and closed it. I want to at least work on it a bit to get it working in a basic sense, but I’m not doing great at following through on that right now. I hope to change that.

Yesterday my best was .75 miles, but today I told myself that I was going to mentally overcome any discomfort or pain and just keep running. Surprisingly, I didn’t have any issues with my breath or heart, and eventually stopped because my back was hurting and didn’t want to overdo it too soon. But I ran 1.5 miles! That’s an incredible amount, and I’m so happy how I was able to do it relatively easily. I didn’t even have to sit down after, like when I do sprints. Mind over matter really is real, huh.

I didn’t really enjoy my Friday to be honest. I didn’t really have friends to play games with and so I just watched suits and killed time and it wasn’t great. Oh well.

I was talking with insurance agents today to figure out some more logistics, and it looks like Dada is fine with me getting the car now. I have the cash to buy it in full along with all the fees and insurance for a year, and I’ve tried to account for as many taxes and fees as possible. I was so happy today that I was genuinely squealing to myself and brimming with energy, I was talking with V about it and we were looking over different trim options. I’ve been looking forward to this for over four years now and saving up all of my money for it. Other than V however, no one else gives a shit. I wish someone else was at least a little bit excited for it because nothing hurts me more than being over the moon and then when I let a little bit overflow and tell a friend, I get a “who gives a shit”.

I sent a message to S, telling him to lie to me if he needed to but to be excited with me. I surprisingly feel incredibly alone right now because of this. I was talking to F today and he asked me how much money I had saved up. I didn’t want to answer the question because I realized I felt worried that people would be jealous and upset at me for it. Thankfully he’s not, which is something I appreciate about him. But I worry about the rest of my friends in that sense. It has somehow turned into the same issue with academics, where none of my school friends were happy for me when I did things academically. I’ve always tried to be supportive and take an interest in the things other people are excited about, probably because I know how shitty it feels for that not to happen. I just wish someone else was the same way for me. Fuck, I know what I have to do.

Situation: S responded to me finally telling her that I got the news I’m going to be buying a car soon with a message about something completely different and pointless

Thoughts: It looks like she’s either intentionally shutting down my happiness or doesn’t give enough of a shit about something that matters to me so much that she couldn’t even say a formality or a fake platitude.

Feelings: I feel really fucking hurt, and I feel like the world is almost against me. I feel like all of my friends are jealous or don’t actually like me, because why else would they not share any excitement at all about something that means so much to me?

Behavior: I don’t want to share things I’m happy about or excited about with other people if they’re just going to rain on my parade. I’m just going to keep this shit to myself and romanticize that. Men die alone, and be strong enough to handle that or some other stupid shit.

Thoughts: She may be tired, or not understand how this was me testing the waters to see if people are happy for me or jealous.

Feelings: I feel sad, but I can at least attribute a lot more of it to misunderstanding rather than her flat-out wanting to hurt me.

Behavior: I can go into a conversation without that extra resentment or hurt, so it will be easier for me to not feel defensive. I sent her a message and hopefully, it ends up as a good experience of me being able to voice pain and have it not explode.

See how it works? Good. Do it more often please.