An Open Letter

Heyo. It’s ya boy again. So I had an issue with the CS and ECE departments, as the ECE department offers TA positions several months before CS. Last second I got an email saying I have an offer letter from the CS department to TA for a CS course that I absolutely LOVE, and that I specially requested. I talked with the professor I agreed to TA for, and he also was on board with me dropping the contract to work for the CS course. I sent an email asking if it was possible to retract the contract, and I made the HUGE mistake of adding this PS at the last second:

PS:

If I can be released from this contract I am more than willing to get you a gift basket – that is how much I love CS190A. Please let me know if there is ANYTHING I can do to make this easier for you!

So if I had thought about this a little bit more, me saying IF makes this bribery. I did not intend for this. In my defense, I assumed that this was a fairly definitive thing, as the department regularly does this. I wanted to mention this as an offer of gratitude for doing this extra work, especially since it was so delayed due to how late I got the offer from CS. I woke up this morning to a strongly worded email talking about how unprofessional and unethical this was, along with how bad it is for them to have to scramble now to do this. I felt, and still feel absolutely horrible for both causing undue work for them and also for the implication of bribery. The person I offered the gift basket to had helped me out earlier this year, and while they were relatively unprofessional and sporadic – I attribute this to them being incredibly busy. I am very thankful for their help, and I assumed that this wouldn’t be as much of a problem as it turned out to be.

I really do feel horrible about this, but on top of it the department person who sent the angry email mentioned “The way you have handled this situation will certainly be a factor as we consider any future employment.” I think it’s obvious why I’m also close to losing it.

The more I think about this entire situation, the more I feel like throwing up. I just want to die, for this problem to go away. I have been consciously trying to not think about it, not to avoid it but because I think I already thought about it enough and processed it, and now all I’m doing is scaring myself and beating myself up excessively.

I think it’s fairly clear to me the consequences of never being able to be wrong growing up because making a mistake where I am at fault makes my mind immediately convinced I need to commit suicide. That doesn’t sound ideal or a good strategy for self-preservation lol.

Situation: I made a mistake, and upset people at the ECE department.

Thoughts: I could think that my life is over, I won’t get any more TA positions, and this will cause so many problems with my entire master’s degree.

Feelings: I feel overwhelmed, like the world is ending, and that I must kill myself.

Behavior: I probably don’t kill myself, but I sure shut down and feel like absolute hell for a while.

Thoughts: I made a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes, and they aren’t the end of the world. I sincerely apologized, and am trying to fix it any way I can – that is all I can reasonably do at this moment, other than learn from this mistake.

Feelings: I still feel upset about this mistake, but also I don’t feel like the world is ending.

Behavior: I take accountability for my actions, and continue living.

In 2 years this will matter virtually nothing. I will live, everything will be ok. I will get through this. I love you, stay strong Suman!

I’m going home tomorrow. I’m pretty afraid of my mental health plummeting. I’m hoping I have enough things to do to keep me from getting horribly depressed.

I want to learn React to write this entire blog thing on my own, so I can add my own functionality and stop paying $12 a month for this service. Also because I’ve told myself I’d learn to write a website or some frontend for the longest time, but never have done it. I also want to try FL studio at least, I love music and try making a couple of things. It’s a shame none of my friends really like some of the genres of music I’ll hopefully end up making. I think S will at least want to hear the music and gas me up regardless, and I’m very thankful for that. It’s a shame it’s going to be the opposite of the music she likes lol. I think I’ll post them on my TikTok at least so it’s somewhere past my local machine’s hard drive. I’m looking forward to those things.

I’m still pretty conflicted about E. I’m in a weird limbo where I don’t think they read this because we’ve gotten fairly distant, but also I think there’s the off chance they still do read this but just don’t mention it for a variety of reasons – all of which I think are stupid. But also, I might just be naive and I really don’t know what I want.

Ever since my birthday time, I have kept a present I got from my old best friend on my desk. It’s a bottle of pills, where each pill contains a small handwritten note she put. She was an incredibly emotionally reserved person and hated anything mushy or sentimental. She still gave me I think the greatest gift I’ve ever received. Every time I open one of the notes, I feel like I’m being hit in the chest in the nicest way – she went so far out of her natural state of being to give me such a thoughtful and kind gift. I feel seen, and I feel loved. I think that’s a universal feeling people want in most cases.

I felt that when S made sure I wasn’t alone on my birthday. And also with how they handled me having an issue with their behavior. I didn’t feel like I did something wrong for bringing it up, which is an incredible feeling – and very opposite of what I expected to happen. I genuinely feel like they care about me as a friend, and that’s something worth more than gold.

Situation: I have things I don’t know the answers to

Thoughts: I need to sit here and think about it nonstop to figure it out.

Feelings: I feel stressed, anxious, and unhappy

Behavior: I end up going in circles, doing nothing productive, and making no positive progress

Thoughts: A lot of these things really don’t matter. They won’t matter in 3 months or a year. I can think about them, but I will be completely fine if I don’t stew on them.

Feelings: I feel less pressured and more at peace.

Behavior: I relax, and I go through life a little less insecure and stressed.

Get some sleep, you’ve got a long day tomorrow. Oh yeah – a friend offered to coach me, so I’m starting powerlifting! With my new PR from yesterday, I am now at 865/1000lbs, and so I’m hoping I can hit that goal within one year! I’m excited, it’s going to be so sweet, and if it’s not, I will at least have enjoyed the journey. Something about Ithaka lol.

Heyo. Maybe being a human is lame as fuck, because you always just bounce from stress to stress. Or maybe living off in a cottage in bumfuck nowhere, you wouldn’t have that problem. I know that the costs of living are instantly apparent, but I never really think about the benefits.

I got temporarily sidetracked because I clicked on a random Discord friend’s name and read through DMS. I last messaged them in 2018, and we apparently used to play several games a ton. I feel weird because I do not know who this person is, but apparently, we played and texted a lot. I wonder if that’s just because I remember nothing then, or if this will be the same in the future. I guess I don’t really remember all of the friends I’ve made in college, but I think I remember the closer ones at least. I saw one of those people today.

Situation: A girl who hits me up to cuddle mentioned how she hates Hash being there, as his breath is bad and he keeps licking.

Thoughts: I don’t know if I can keep Hash outside the room without him freaking out and either going to the bathroom or scratching the door.

Feelings: I feel horribly stressed, and like I can never have anyone come over.

Behavior: I avoid responding to her texts, and probably avoid her as a whole.

Thoughts: This is just another problem that I think will be impossible because I can’t immediately control it. But maybe it’s fine, I can just take him on a long walk before, and then give him his CBD peanut butter and a treat and he’ll probably be fine.

Feelings: Still stressed, but not hopeless.

Behavior: I don’t do any nuclear options.

God, I hate bouncing from one stress to another. This shit doesn’t even matter. Everything will be ok in the end, just please believe that. I think it’s a bit corny to finish every message with some reaffirmation of self-love, so I think I’m going to consciously break that streak so that it means something when I do it. Goodnight me!

Hey me. I went to Six Flags with a friend yesterday and today with two friends. I’m pretty pooped, and all out of adrenaline in my brain. I don’t want to make any hasty decisions since I’m most likely just depressed from the pendulum swinging there, so I’ll keep this one short.

Situation: I felt like I was third wheeling with a friend and their partner

Thoughts: I feel pretty alone, and like I’m tagging along with two people rather than included.

Feelings: I feel upset, and also I feel resentful towards them because I am partially envious of them but also upset that I end up feeling alone.

Behavior: I avoid hanging out with them, and start to hold that envy.

Thoughts: They tried to keep me included, and probably weren’t aware of how I was feeling. This is probably how they normally are, and it’s to be expected.

Feelings: I still would feel upset, but at least maybe in this case they didn’t mean to make me feel this way.

Behavior: Maybe I don’t avoid this as a whole, but rather bring this up next time as something that does make me feel isolated.

Oh well, not like this will be relevant for a while. Time to start the DBT book soon! Love you, talk to you later Suman ♥

Oopsie, I missed a day! Oh well, I realized that to stick to things it’s important to allow for mistakes and slip-ups if you want to stick to things.

I took a bit to just sit here and pet Hash. I don’t know how much time I’ll have with him. I take his health and youth for granted too much I think. I think one of my biggest regrets will be not spending more quality time with him. I wonder if that’s the same for other people too.

I wrote about this a lot in the journaling exercise prior to this post, but I still find myself tainted by this struggle. I don’t really know how to verbalize it, and I don’t know if I should bring it up or even if I would know what to say. It almost feels like the problem shifts around the more I think about it. I don’t know how to pin it down.

I know the symptoms, and they’re things my therapist describes as “the needle swinging too far in the other direction”, but I still feel horribly guilty. I had several different things that reminded me of this person, and for a few windows, I remembered how I felt. I don’t know where it went.

There’s an incredible amount of merit to the phrase “love is killed by anger”. I feel like there’s so much residual anger and it feels like I have nowhere else to put it. I don’t feel comfortable bringing it up, and at least part of that reason is because I don’t even know if it is because of something that I can control. The 5:1 rule tells me to stop, but I don’t even know what I should do or whose fault it is. I wonder if this is because of how prone I am to self-blame, or if it is my fault. I hate when everything stays painted with the same color of self-loathing.

Situation: I followed instructions, and swung the needle like they wanted

Thoughts: I did what they wanted. I think they realized that wasn’t a healthy thing, but it’s kinda late.

Feelings: I feel honestly horrible for multiple reasons. I feel bad because they realized that wasn’t something good, but it’s kinda too late. I feel like maybe we just aren’t compatible as friends because I don’t think it’s healthy for me to have to do things like this.

Behavior: I ruin what used to be a great friendship, or maybe call it when I shouldn’t

Thoughts: I know depression messes with my memory. Maybe I misunderstood another thing or misremembered something. My therapist said that eventually, this will stabilize.

Feelings: I still feel a lot of resentment. There are several things, and it just feels like 5:1 isn’t satisfied anymore.

Behavior: Maybe I just try to put a pause on this until circumstances change? Or maybe I just thug it out in this weird game of limbo until then. I don’t want to be a high-maintenance person, but I have fundamental problems here I think.

It’s getting late for me, but I think I need to do this. Another 10-minute burst of journaling incoming:

Zooirtsg, sviv dv tl. R'n kivggb fkhvg, R gsrmp R szev z olg lu ivhvmgnvmg ovuglevi. R zn hzw gszg hsv hzrw gszg hsv wrwm'g ivzoob dzmg gl tl gl xlmxvigh, li zg ovzhg rg uvog orpv gszg'h dszg hsv ivuviivw gl. R szgv rg. R zn tozw gszg hsv hzrw ml, yfg zohl R'n uvvormt orpv gsviv'h qfhg vevibgsrmt R gib gl ivzxs lfg gl svi gl wl zmw hsv qfhg wlvhm'g ivxrkilxzgv zmbgsrmt. R hgzig gl ivhvmg svi. R wlm'g dzmg gl szmt lfg drgs svi, R uvvo orpv vevibgsrmt R'ev zhpvw svi gl wl li kilklhvw hsvh yvvm orpv :// vsss, gszg wlvhm'g hlfmw gll tivzg! Tlw R'n krhhvw gszg R'n gbkrmt gszg vnlqr lfg yvggvi hl gszg kvlkov xzm hvv gszg. R dlmwvi ru zmblmv pmldh gsrh rh zgyzhs xrksvi. R pmld R'ev nvmgrlmvw rg yvuliv, zmw gsv xofvh ziv gsviv. R prmwz slkv ml lmv xzivh vmlfts gl kfg gszg krvxv gltvgsvi.

Gszg tlg luu glkrx, ovgh ulxfh ztzrm: R uvvo R gsrmp fkhvg yvxzfhv rg uvvoh orpv Vhnv rh qfhg mlg ivzoob trermt z hsrg zylfg hkvmwrmt grnv drgs nv. Li hlnvgsrmt orpv gszg. Nzbyv rg'h wruuvivmg yvxzfhv hsv wlvhm'g uvvo gsv mvvw gl nvmgrlm li kozm rg lfg mld, yfg uiln nb klrmg lu ervd R'ev girvw gl rmergv svi gl gsrmth orpv YQQ, nzigrzo zigh, wzmxv, R vevm nzwv z tlw wznm orhg lm nb kslmv. R wlm'g dzmg gl wl gslhv gsrmth zmbnliv. R dzmg gl tl rmgl gsv orhg zmw qfhg nzip gsvn zh wlmv, yvxzfhv R wlm'g ivzoob dzmg gl wl gsvn. R uvvo zmtib zg svi. R zn kfggrmt rm gsrh vuulig zmw kfhsrmt nbhvou gl rmergv blf gl gsrmth. Wl blf gsrmp R DZMG blf gl qlrm nv rm gsvhv gsrmth? Mlg ivzoob. R wlm'g dzmg gl tl gl xlmxvigh drgs zmblmv vohv. Zmw R hgroo zhpvw. Blf ziv MLG hlnvlmv dsl R dlfow ivzoob gsrmp gl wl hlnvgsrmt orpv YQQ drgs. R'oo szev nb lgsvi uirvmwh dsl urg yvggvi gsviv, zmw hgroo – YLLN MLKV. Xlnkzivw gl dliprmt lfg drgs uirvmwh orpv Hlksrz li Orozs, R wlm'g ivzoob dzmg gl dlip lfg drgs blf vrgsvi. R wlm'g vevm pmld ru R dzmg gl tl xornyrmt, mlg yvxzfhv rg wlvhm'g hlfmw ufm yfg izgsvi yvxzfhv R wlm'g dzmg gl wl gsrmth drgs blf. R prmwz wlm'g vevm dzmg gl xzoo zmbnliv. Sld ufxpvw rh gszg. R slmvhgob ivhvmg blf hl nfxs uli gsrh. R zn zelrwrmt hzbrmt szgv, yfg tlw. R pvvk nvmgrlmrmt gsv 5:1 ifov. Gsv ifov rh uli vevib 5 tllw vckvirvmxvh drgs hlnvlmv blf xzm szev 1 yzw vckvirvmxv. Rg wlvhm'g nzggvi gsv nztmrgfwv lu gsv vckvirvmxvh, yfg gsv jfzmgrgb nzggvih. R uvvo drgs blf R'ev lmob szw yzw vckvirvmxvh zftnvmgvw drgs mvfgizorgb. R qfhg uvvo orpv vevib nvhhztv li fkwzgv blf hvmw rh lmv hgvk zdzb uiln sfigrmt nv. Blf hvmw nv z krxgfiv uiln z izev, zmw nb urihg gslftsg rh “Ls, gsvb wrwm'g vevm gsrmp gl nvmgrlm gsvb dviv wlrmt gsrh” yvulivszmw.

Kzig lu nv dzmgh gl sfig blf gl gsv klrmg dsviv blf xib. Nzbyv gsvm R'w uvvo orpv blf zxgfzoob xzivw. R uvvo orpv R wlm'g vevm pmld ru R nzggvi gl blf, yvxzfhv lu gsv zxgrlmh blf wl xlmhrhgvmgob. R ivnvnyvi dsvm dv szw z urtsg zmw blf sfig nv rg uvog orpv blf xzivw gsvm. Blf hgifttovw gl gzop, zmw blf dviv VNLGRLMZO ULI LMXV. R'n hrxp lu hvvrmt vrgsvi grivwmvhh li “svb dzrg ovg nv hzb gsrh uli z hvxlmw!”. Gszg'h zoo R hvv uiln blf. Wl blf pmld sld lmv wrnvmhrlmzo gszg rh? Dv fhvw gl yv xolhv uirvmwh. Dszg szkkvmvw. Dszg szkkvmvw gl gsv kvihlm R pmvd. Nzbyv gsvb dvmg luu gl hxlgozmw, yfg gsv rmgvimvg ufxprmt vcrhgh. Gl nv rg'h nliv gszm klhhryov zmw ivzhlmzyov gl nzrmgzrm gsvhv gsrmth. Bvg rg uvvoh orpv blf wlm'g. R uvvo orpv z ufxprmt xsliv gl blf. R szgv gszg hl nfxs. R szgv uvvormt orpv gszg orggov prw ztzrm, dsl dzh ulixvw gl gib gl yv uirvmwh drgs kvlkov dsl tlg kfhsvw zdzb uiln nv. R qfhg dzmg gl uvvo orpv blf xziv zylfg nv. Tlw rh gszg gll nfxs gl zhp. Dsb xzm'g blf hsld nv gszg blf xziv. R drhs blf nvmgrlmvw blf dlfow ivzw gsrh yolt, li gszg blf dlfow ivzw nb hgzgfhvh. HLNVGSRMT GL OVG NV PMLD BLF XZIV. R'n hl grivw lu rg. R uvvo gsrh dzb drgs lgsvi uirvmwh, yfg drgs blf rg'h qfhg kzrm. Dsb wl blf xziv hl orggov zylfg nv blf xzm'g vevm trev nv gsrh.

R uvvo orpv Cbol drgs gsv ormv “R qfhg dzmg gl yv olevw”. Gszg kzig'h qfhg fmrmgvoortryov iznyormt, yfg R wlm'g ivzoob pmld dszg vohv gl dirgv. R xzm dirgv zylfg sld blf sfig nv uzriob xlmhrhgvmgob. Yfg R wlm'g vevm pmld ru gszg'h blfi uzfog. R uvvo orpv gszgh nliv lm nv. Dsb xzm R dirgv hl vzhrob zylfg nb vnlgrlmh yfg R szev gl ulixv nbhvou gl nvhhztv blf mld zwzbh. R hvv gsrmth gszg ivnrmw nv lu blf zmw R dzmg gl nvhhztv blf. R lmob hvmg blf gszg krxgfiv yvxzfhv R wrw gsv qlpv dv zodzbh wl. R wrwm'g dzmg gl ivzoob nvhzhtv blf. R gsrmp R fhvw gl olev blf. Olev tlg levihszwldvw yb zmtvi, zmw gszg zmtvih qfhg tirvu rm z givmxsxlzg.

R wlm'g orpv sld blf nzpv nv uvvo orpv zm zugvigslftsg. R uvvo orpv vevmgfzoob gszg szkkvmh drgs hvevizo uirvmwh, zmw R wrwm'g gsrmp rg'w szkkvm drgs blf. Nzbyv gszg'h qfhg z uzgv R'n wllnvw gl.

R xzivw zylfg blf hl nfxs, zmw R wlm'g pmld dsviv rg dvmg. Rg zoo hgzigvw tlrmt wldmsroo lmxv R nzwv gsv nrhgzpv lu ivzxsrmt lfg gl blf gll nfxs. R drhs blf szw glow nv gszg rg dzh gll nfxs. Yfg mld rg'h wlmv. Zmw R wlm'g pmld ru R vevi uvvo xlnuligzyov ivzxsrmt lfg gl blf ztzrm. R qfhg dzmg gl hfxp gsrh hsrg fk zmw szmwov rg lm nb ldm. Rg slmvhgob sfig nv z olg gszg blf wrwm'g gvoo nv dsvm blf dvivm'g xlnuligzyov drgs nv zhprmt uli hfkklig. Gszg hvg nv yzxp kivggb wznm uzi. R'n yzxp gl rhlozgrmt ztzrm.

R'ev tlmv hl uzi ufoo xrixov gszg R'ev hgzigvw fhrmt gsv ufxprmt zgyzhs xrksvi ztzrm. R szevm'g wlmv gsrh rm ulivevi. Rg'h z yrg wrhrmvtmlfh gl hzb gszg, yvxzfhv R zn wlrmt gsrh qfhg hl R xzm dirgv rg gl nb yolt uli gszg zmlmbnrgb. Yfg R tfvhh R zohl wrw gszg dsvm R szw z kirezgv rmhgztizn. Hl nzbyv mlg gszg uzi zmbdzb.

Dszg szkkvmvw? Dszg xszmtvw. R qfhg drhs blf vckorxrgob wrw hlnvgsrmt hl sliiryov gszg R dzh zyov gl hglk gsrmprmt zylfg gsrh hl nfxs. R uvvo orpv hfxs z krvxv lu hsrg, yvxzfhv z yrt kzig lu nv dzmgh gl qfhg gsft rg lfg fmgro blf xzm tvg yzxp zmw trev nv nb yrigswzb kivhvmg blf sbkvw fk. R gsrmp kzig lu nv dzmgh gl tvg z kivhvmg hl R xzm pvvk rg uli bvzih, yfg zohl R dzmg hlnv prmw lu verwvmxv gszg blf xziv zylfg nv. Gszg'h dszg R dzmg nzm. Gszg'h zoo R dzmg. R drhs R wrwm'g uvvo orpv z xsliv gl blf. R drhs R zohl uvog orpv hlnvlmv gszg xlfow yv orpvw. R uvvo orpv nzbyv R wlm'g vevm pmld dsb blf xlfow orpv nv, hl dsvm R wlm'g hvv zmb ivzhlm uiln blf zmw R lmob tvg mvtzgrev uvvwyzxp zoo gszg'h ovug rh uli nv gl uroo rm gsv yozmph drgs sld R'n fmolevzyov.

Uirvmwh zodzbh hzb gsrmth orpv R'n mrxv, ufmmb, vzhb gl gzop gl, prmw vgx. R szgv rg. R tfvhh R wlm'g szgv rg, yfg R zohl wlm'g ovg rg hrmp rm. R wlm'g tvg dsb hlnvlmv dlfow xziv zylfg nv yvxzfhv lu gsrmth orpv gszg. R uvvo orpv R'ev yvvm sviv zm vgvimrgb, gsrh ivzoob dliph. Vrgsvi dzb, Vhnv: R wlm'g pmld dszg gl hzb – blf'ev tlg nv sfig rm nfogrkov wruuvivmg dzbh. R'n tlrmt gl gib gl urtfiv gsrh lfg nbhvou yvxzfhv R wlm'g dzmg gsrh gl yv blfi kilyovn, yfg ufxp blf sfig nv. Zmw R nvzm gszg rm gsv kivhvmg gvmhv lu gsv dliw.

Svb nv, gsrh rh z gsrmt R svziw lm gsv sfyvinzm ozy. R'n hrggrmt sviv gl gbkv uli hlnv hvg lu grnv, zmw qfhg iznyov zylfg hlnvgsrmt R'n hgifttormt drgs.

Vhnv szh nzwv nv uvvo kivggb hzw ivxvmgob. R wlm'g gsrmp rg'h mvxvhhzirob yvxzfhv lu svi, yfg R gsrmp rg'h yvxzfhv lu svi zxgrlmh. Hsv glow nv z dsrov ztl gszg hsv dzmgvw gl mlg yv zh xolhv zh R dzmgvw dsrov hsv'h levi rm Hxlgozmw, zmw dsvm hsv xlnvh yzxp gszg gsrmth dlfow yv wruuvivmg. R wlm'g orpv gszg. R gsrmp rg'h rmxivwryob hgizmtv gl szev gl mlg yv xolhv gl hlnvlmv zmw gsvm R tfvhh xszmtv yzxp gl yvrmt xolhv zugvi hlnv grnv. R wlm'g orpv gszg. R uvvo orpv R dzmg gl qfhg olev gsv kvlkov R olev, zmw mlg szev gl zigrurxrzoob hglk gszg. Yfg gszg'h dszg R wrw. R wlm'g ivzoob olev svi irtsg mld. R fhvw gl olev svi zh z uirvmw, yfg hlnvgsrmt xszmtvw. R wlm'g pmld dszg. R nrhh rg. Hsv'h xlnrmt yzxp rm z yrg, yfg R wlm'g uvvo zmbgsrmt zylfg svi zmbnliv. R wlm'g vevm uvvo vcxrgvw uli svi gl yv yzxp. Wl blf pmld sld sliiryov gszg nzpvh nv uvvo? R fhvw gl gsrmp lu svi zh nb yvhg uirvmw, zmw mld hsv'h qfhg hlnvlmv R wlm'g vevm gsrmp zylfg gszg lugvm. R pmld R fhvw gl zodzbh gsrmp zylfg gsv 5:1 ifov, sld R hslfow szev 5 tllw vckvirvmxvh uli vevib 1 yzw drgs hlnvlmv , zmw R zonlhg uvvo orpv vevib vckvirvmxv drgs svi szh yvvm yzw ivxvmgob. Mlg vevm yvxzfhv hsv'h wlrmt zmbgsrmt dilmt, yfg nliv qfhg yvxzfhv R wlm'g uvvo zmb olev drgs svi zmbnliv. R uvvo orpv R'n szermt gl qfhg ivhklmw gl svi nvhhztvh. R wlm'g dzmg gl hvmw svi hgfuu orpv R fhvw gl. Dszg szkkvmvw? R tfvhh R pmdl dszg szkkvmvw. R mvvwvw svi gl nvzm ovhh gl nv. R prmwz proovws vi rm nb nrmw. R wlm'g pmld sld R fhvw gl xziv zylfg svi hl nfxs. Zg lmv klrmg R gsrmp R vevm szw z xifhs lm svi, vevm gslfts rg dzh qfhg uli orpv 2 wzbh. R ivnvnyvi gsrmprmt sld R qfhg dzmgvw gl nzpv svi oruv yvggvi, zmw R xzivw zylfg svi vevm ru rg dlfowmg' yvmvurg nv. Dszg xszmtvw. R tfvhh R pmld. Gszg uvvoh orpv gszg'h zoo R xzm hzb. R qfhg hrg sviv gbkrmt, zmw R pvvk zhprmt nbhvou dsb R wlm'g uvvo zmbgsrmt zylfg svi zmbnliv. Yfg R pmld dsb. R tfvhh R gsrmp R wl. Rg qfhg wlvhm'g uvvo ivzo. Sld xzm hlnvlmv tl uiln hlnvlmv R xzivw zylfg hl nfxs gl mlgsrmt. Zmw sld xlfow gsrh szev yvvm hlnvgsrmt hsv dzmgvw. R gsrmp zylfg gszg hl nfxs. Dvoo nzbyv R wlm'g, R wlm'g vevm pmld dszg R gsrmp zmbnliv. Gsrh uvvoh orpv z dvriw hvg lu obirxh, yfg kilyzyob qfhg yvxzfhv R'n orhgvmrmt gl Pzmbv. R tfvhh nv dirgrmt gszg wldm rh killu gszg R wlm'g gsrmp gszg zmblmv droo hvv gsrh. Ovg nv ulxfh yzxp ztzrm, gl ivzoob pvvk gl gsv hkrirg lu dszg gsrh rh.

R uvvo ivhvmgnvmg gldziwh svi R gsrmp. R gzopvw rm gsvizkb zylfg gsrh, yfg rg uvvoh orpv hsv qfhg wlvhm'g gvoo nv zmbgsrmt kzhg z hfiuzxv ovevo. Dsb dlfow R gvoo svi lgsvi gsrmth ru hsv xlmhrhgvmgob qfhg gvooh nv “ls ollp, R'n tlrmt lm z gizrm!” “Ls ollp, R'n hkvmwrmt grnv drgs gsvhv uirvmwh!”. Dszg szkkvmvw gl gvoormt nv blf dviv zuizrw lu olev, zmw hgfuu orpv gszg. R wlm'g dzmg gl uvvo zolmv zh hlnvlmv dslh zuizrw lu gsv dliow zmw hlnvdszg fmhfiv lu sld vevibgsrmt droo dlip. R'n zuirzw lu olhrmt gsrh gvcg. R zohl zn zuizrw lu olhrmt gsrh uirvmw. Yfg zg gsv hznv grnv R wlm'g vevm pmld ru R'w xlmhrwvi rg dszg R gslftsg rg dzh. R qfhg drhs hsv dlfow gvoo nv nliv hvirlfh gsrmth. Dsb xzm'g hsv qfhg yv ivzo drgs nv. R pmld gszg hsv'h kilyzyob qfhg zuizrw lu gsrmprmt lu gsvhv gsrmth svihvou, yfg xnlm. R wlm'g tvg rg. Qfhg lkvm fk. Ovg nv hvv dszg'h gsviv zmw blf xzm hvv dszgh sviv. Oruv rh hl gviirubrmt, zmw R wlm'g gsrmp rg'h hlnvgsrmt nvzmg gl tl gsilfts zolmv. R dzmg gl orev xlmmvxgvw gl gsv kvlkov zilfmw nv. R hzd z grpglp klhg hzbrmt “R gsrmp dv'iv lmv hglib zdzb uiln olev”, li hlnvgsrmt orpv gszg. Gsv hvmgrnvmg dzh sld nfxs xlfow xszmtv uiln qfhg lmv hglib. Xzm R ivzoob wrhorpv hlnvlmv ru R svzi gszg gsvb'ev yvvm sfig yvuliv? Gszg gl nv rh z qfhgrurxzgrlm lu vevib yzw gsrmt gsvb'ev wlmv. R qfhg dzmg gl pmld dv ivzoob zivm'g gszg wruuvivmg. R gsrmp blf pmld gszg, R glow blf hl nfxs hsrg zylfg nv. Yfg blf wlm'g ivzoob hzb rg yzxp. R drhs blf wrw. Li nzbyv R qfhg drhs hlnvlmv wrw gszg gl nv. Nzbyv blf'iv rm gsv irtsg sviv. R urmw rg zonlhg klvgrx gszg pzmbv qfhg hzrw “Ifm zdzb zh uzhg zh blf xzm.” Rg zonlhg uvvoh ivzo. Nzbyv R'n gsv lmv rm gsv dilmt. Nzbyv dv hslfowm'g yv uirvmwh. R szgv gl hzb gszg. R'n hl zuizrw lu gszg. Yfg R zohl wlm'g pmld ru R'n hlnvlmv tllw uli blf. R uvvo orpv gsviv ziv hl nzmb orggov gsrmth gszg R wrhorpv zylfg blf, zmw R szev zonlhg trevm fk zhprmt blf gl xszmtv lm. Nzbyv dv'iv qfhg wruuvivmg kvlkov. Yfg R gsrmp veviblmvh wruuvivmg, zmw dv fhvw gl tvg zolmt hl dvoo. R'n zuizrw yvxzfhv R gsrmp R nvzm hl orggov gl blf. Nzbyv gszg'h dszg rg rh. R wlm'g dzmg gl nvzm mlgsrmt gl blf. R dzmg blf gl xziv zylfg nv.

Xzm blf hvv dsb R'n zuizrw lu gszg. Li nzbyv blf wlm'g. Nzbyv R xzm'g xlmevb gsrh uvvormt gl blf dvoo vmlfts. Yfg R qfhg wlm'g dzmg gl uvvo orpv blf nzggvi gl nv zmw R wlm'g nzggvi gl blf yzxp. Gszg'h dszg R'n hl zuizrw lu R gsrmp. R qfhg dzmg gl pmld gszg blf dzmg gl yv zilfmw nv. R drhs blf gifhg nv, zmw gszg gsviv dzh hlnv dvrtsg. Nzbyv ru blf glow nv nliv rmgrnzgv gsrmth gsvm R dlfowm'g uvvo orpv blf dlfow ifm zdzb uiln nv. Szsz. Ifmzdzb. Qfhg orpv gsv hlmt. Tlw gsrh droo ollp hl dvriw rm zgyzhs xrksvi, yfg R gsrmp R dzmg gl yv zyov gl ollp zg gsrh ztzrm hlnv grnv rm gsv ufgfiv. Dsb xzm'g rg qfhg hgzb gsviv. R wlm'g vevm pmld dszg gszg nvzmh. R tfvhh gsrh dliph.

R ivzoob qfhg dzmg gl pmld gszg blf ezofv nv. R uvvo orpv vevibgsrmt ylroh wldm gl gszg, yfg R zodzbh xlfow yv dilmt. Dsvm R tvg nzw zg blf, R gsrmp rg'h yvxzfhv lu gsv uvzi gszg blf'oo ovzev nv. Zmw wlm'g tvg nv dilmt, blf ufoob xzm ovzev nv. Gszg'h hlnvgsrmt gszg'h drgsrm blfi irtsgh, ru blf wvxrwv gszg blf wlm'g dzmg gl yv uirvmwh blf xzm zodzbh ovzev. Blf szev ml lyortzgrlm gl nv. Zmw zohl orpvdrhv, R'ev gslftsg zylfg rg z uvd grnvh, R xzm'g orv. R xzm hvv nbhvou mlg yvrmt uirvmwh drgs blf. Yfg R wvxrwv ztzrmhg rg R gsrmp.

Yfg R hgroo uvvo zuizrw lu nv mlg dzmgrmt gl olhv blf zmw blf mlg uvvormt gsv hznv. Dsvm blf kfoovw zdzb, gszg nzwv nv ivzorav gszg blf xlfow ovzev. Wl blf pmld sld gviirubrmt gszg rh? Gl olev hlnvlmv zmw szev gsvn yzhrxzoob HSLD blf, mlg qfhg gvoo blf: Svb, R'n droormt gl ovzev blf. R xzm hvv rg szkkvmrmt. Nzbyv ru R nzwv z hortsgob wruuvivmg wvxrhrlm blf dlfow szev ovug. Gszg'h sliirubrmt gl nv. R wlm'g pmld ru R xzm gifhg blf. R uvvo orpv zg zmb klrmg blf xlfow ovzev nv, zmw yvxzfhv lu gszg R'n zuizrw lu ivzxsrmt lfg gl blf. R'n prmwz zuizrw lu yvrmt xolhv gl blf li ivobrmt lm blf zh z uirvmw uli zmbgsrmt, yvxzfhv “lmv wzb blf nrtsg qfhg fk zmw ovzev”. Szsz, zmlgsvi wrermv rmgvievmgrlm lu kviuvxg grnrmt drgs gsv obirxh. R'n zuizrw lu gszg, zmw R wlm'g pmld sld gl tl ulidziw uiln gszg. R hslfow wl gsrh yvuliv gsvizkb, gsrh wlvh dlip kivggb wznm dvoo. R uvvo zuizrw gl ivkvzg gsv hznv gslftsgh levi zmw levi ztzrm, zmw hl hlnvgsrmt mvd xlnvh lfg. Gszmph yizrm, R wlm'g gsrmp R hzb gszg gl blf vmlfts.

R qfhg wlm'g dzmg gl yv zolmv, zmw R'n zuizrw yvxzfhv dsvm R nvhhztv blf R hgroo uvvo zolmv hlnvgrnvh.

Kanye is a obviously problematic person. He's incredibly ignorant, vain, rude, insensitive along with a plethora of other negative adjectives. I sometimes wonder why so many people stan him. I was listening to runaway for the first time in a while today, and almost had to stop driving because I found myself about to cry. I think I kinda get it.

I wanted to actually go through and point out some concrete things in the song, but right now I'm on my phone so I wanted to just jot down this sentiment: in the song Kanye puts himself fully up for display, with a virtually unprecedented level of candor. He reveals things he doesn't need to, showing all of his worst parts. He shows the most vulnerable parts of his psyche, and laments the person he is. He puts himself fully on display, flaws and all.

I think growing up male things like insecurities and vulnerability are heavily discouraged. I think seeing someone struggle with things like love, material wealth, social acceptance and other things is something incredibly cathartic, and I can see why people love Kanye. Oh well guess I'm rambling.

I’m him for another quarter, clutched up on the project and I think I failed my final.

I am currently losing my mind in the best way possible, my friends and I have not won a SINGULAR GAME between like 3 fully different games. And I love spending time with them. I love every minute of this. I’m so grateful to have my friends. I love spending time with them.

Situation: Finals are over

Thoughts: I’m going to be isolated for a bit

Feelings: I’m worried how it’s going to go

Behavior: I stress

Thoughts: I am going to be able to spend a ton of time with online friends, and finally have free time to do new projects and learn things

Feelings: I’m excited

Behavior: I’m grateful to be alive.

I think I summed it up pretty well with that. I’m hoping now that I don’t have to stay up super late and then crank this out when I’m about to pass out I get better use from this, but we’ll see. Love you anyways forever and always ♥

I just now finished a several-month project, essentially within the span of 5 days. This project was meant for two people, and I also have the grad student version of it – but I did it all myself. I am TIRED, and EXHAUSTED, but also incredibly happy with my final app. I also learned a lot, and genuinely enjoyed creating it! Not to nerd out, but good object-oriented programming goes INSANE. I could add more workout plans to my app in like 10 minutes, and EVERY OTHER PART OF MY CODE WOULD INSTANTLY INTEGRATE IT.

I’m so glad I enjoy what I do.

Situation: Someone uploaded part of a video I made for fun (that’s embarrassing) onto their Instagram in a powerlifting video.

Thoughts: I already wanted to private/hide that video, and it’s tucked away. I didn’t even know that they saw this, and I don’t even know this person. Now a ton of people have probably seen it, and it’s also something I’m fairly insecure about because I for some reason thought “Hey, no one’s gonna see this, I don’t have to make any kinda facial expressions”. So I JUST STARE AT THE CAMERA LIKE A PSYCHOPATH, BASICALLY FROWNING. THE ENTIRE TIME. WHILE DANCING.

Feelings: I want to crawl into a hole and die. I will never interact with any of these people again.

Behavior: I isolate myself from this group of people as much as I can, and maybe even ask him to take it down.

Thoughts: Lmao who cares. No one is clowning me for it, and even if they do worst comes to worse I can throw hands pretty well. This isn’t middle school, it does not affect my life if someone makes fun of me for it. I can just get my masters degree and spend time with people who don’t clown me for it lol.

Feelings: It really ain’t that deep lol, and on top of it people don’t seem to find it that cringy. I think it is, but also it really doesn’t matter. It was fun, and I’m glad I made something that I can at least remember.

Behavior: I big chill. 8)

Good fucking yard today Anshuman, you’ve gone crazy this last week. Your new DBT book came, so let’s see how that goes soon enough! Love you man ♥

My brain is turning into puddles of mush, the only things I’ve done today were work out for 3 hours and then study/work on projects since then. I ate one meal. I’m going to go have a pop tart.

Situation: Girls not texting back

Thoughts: They are not interested in me

Feelings: :(

Behavior: I protect myself from them by mentally devaluing them

Thoughts: They’re also just busy with finals lol

Feelings: Lol same

Behavior: I’ll just reach back out to them after finals

God this is so low effort, hopefully I start doing this earlier. Goodnight, and love you Icarus ♥