An Open Letter

I was feeling frustrated internally because I both wanted to listen to my dad and wait till I graduate to get the car, but also I had no real reasons for it. I texted my dad to ask him to convince me to wait, and he ended up essentially agreeing that there weren’t very good reasons for me to wait for then. I might be able to get the car relatively soon, and that’s incredibly exciting for me. I’m almost daydreaming about it. Might as well enjoy the hedonic treadmill while it’s here.

I was talking with S today about the hedonistic treadmill. It came up because of how excited I am for buying a car once I graduate this year, and how it will become one of those things you get used to and accept as normal. When thinking about some of the questions she was asking, part of me wants to think that I can be content with life and also enjoy the occasional bumps from consumerism or whatever else gives me temporary joy. After all, if I can be content without things and then also enjoy having them, isn’t that just being grateful for things in life? Thankfully I think I’m in a position financially where it’s relatively responsible for me to buy a decently nice car, and so I am not doing something rash. But at the same time holy shit I am excited for it.

I’m feeling several different things right now, but I don’t find myself drawn to any particular ones to write about tonight. Instead, I guess I wanted to talk about what fear is for me. I think it’s the uncertainty that comes along with the future in some ways. It’s the potential for negative outcomes that run somewhat rampant in my mind when left unchecked. I find myself caught by what could happen or what could be so much that I lose sight of the positive outcomes.

Another real fear however is the realization of something bad that has already manifested. Sometimes I struggle with brain fog pretty badly, to the point where I can’t read sentences properly or even talk. I realized that it’s happening right now because I can somewhat put down the voice in my head into words by typing, but I can’t go back and read it and see if what I say makes sense. It’s like each word becomes it’s own independent meaning without any context surrounding it. And through that, everything becomes a haze that I can’t decipher. One of the biggest things I’ve had going for me in my eyes is my mind. That was essentially all I had growing up, and was the only thing valued by my parents. And so, I valued only that also. I am used to being smart, and someone that people see in that light. But I feel dull, like a dusted lightbulb that struggles to stay on. I’m afraid of that. I get fairly self conscious when speaking like this because I’m afraid the sentences I say don’t make any sense. I had a meeting the other day, and I just stayed quiet after speaking for about 15 seconds to pray that what I said was a coherent sentence. I actually get horribly insecure when someone jokes about me being incoherent or saying something unrecognizable. My memory is also pretty dogshit, I don’t even remember what happened the day before or what day it even is. It’s terrifying to lose your mind. Sometimes it feels like that’s all I have consistently, but now that’s slowly fading also.

Nothing exceptional, but I had an idea today while doing deadlifts and so when I got home in between waiting for laundry I tried to realize the idea. It didn’t come out nearly like what I saw, but it was something I was happy with at the end of the day. In full honest, I kept playing it on loop rewatching it because the middle portion just scratched my brain so nicely. I’m happy I learned how to use After Effects, since I’m able to somewhat realize the things I see in my minds eye relatively quickly. And also I accidentally had a lot of stylistic things I found out I really liked, and so I want to emulate those more. I’m happy I did this.

I went ahead and had a lazy day today, where I picked up my meds, went to test drive a Model S again, and then just watched a movie. The model S didn’t feel the same as it did the other day. That scares me, because I’ve been fantasizing about buying a car next year, and I really hope that it’s something that makes me happy. What if it doesn’t? This will by far be the most expensive thing I’ll have done and it is something I’ve been saving up for over 4 years now. I’m scared that it will just become the norm.

I don’t know if I’m lying if I say this, but men have always scared me in some capacity. They’ve always felt somewhat foreign to me, with the blatant irony of me being a man aside – I’ve never really felt like I understood what was going on with the men in my life. But I always did have a sort of respect, somewhat garnered through fear. Men always made me feel like it was a competition to prove who is enough, and who isn’t. That wasn’t a competition I ever wanted to do, and so I kept men away if I could. I guess I’m not lying when I say men intimidate me. I say this to explain how in my eyes how men are creatures who avoid showing weakness, and are somehow always resiliently strong.

Twice in my life I can think about men crying. First was when my dad found out that I had tried to kill myself. Second was a few nights ago. Both times it hit me out of nowhere like a truck. Seeing these infallible pillars suffering so much to the point where it eventually just seeps out past the facade breaks my heart. It makes me cry to think about how much I hurt my dad for him to cry. I can’t think of many other things that have that much weight for me. I’m so so so sorry Dada. I love you so much. I wouldn’t want any other father. I’ve never even thought about that once. I love you so much.

Yeah so much for that, it’s 3am. I’m working from home tomorrow, but still this isn’t smart oopsie daisy.

My god, the raw power in the regular model S was like crack. I had four other people in the car screaming as I got to whip around back country roads, and I genuinely think I fell in love. God, I want to try the plaid – let alone buy one. Test drives fuckin work.

T got robbed last night, and they stole his PS5 and two TVs. I also found out I did not get a job offer for a TA, and so today has been a pretty stressful day. I know you shouldn’t compare things, but he is very much having a way worse day. We stayed up to play some games just to talk and distract ourselves. I laughed really fucking hard. It was a good night.

I started off the session by talking about how I knew about things I can do to help my depression, but I just didn’t want to do them. She asked me to visualize it however it felt, and for me I said it was like I was in a river and it was just pulling me down the current. I could grab a branch or lodge something to stop myself from going down the river, but neither of them mattered to me. It didn’t matter if I was going down the river or staying still, and so there was no point of me doing anything to stop it. I think that summarized apathy and anhedonia pretty well for me, and I guess I still don’t really have an answer for that. But I think that was a very nice way of describing how I feel. Nothing really matters, if I get even more depressed or if I do CBT it doesn’t matter to me.