An Open Letter

There’s a clip from Adventure Time, where Jake says “See this cup? This is literally my favorite cup.” He then throws it out of the window and says “Now it’s gone forever. So it’s not real, and I don’t care about it anymore”. I think about that a good amount.

I think a lot of my problems are not real. I always say this, but I don’t actively consider it as much as I probably should: almost all problems are usually miscommunications. Or at least something that stems from that. So many of my problems aren’t real, they are easily solved, or misconceptions that I have. I think I need to get more into the habit of just sitting and existing with them, without it necessarily needing a solution from me immediately. I’m glad I do stuff like CBT to address it, as I think that helps me reframe my thoughts a lot.

My depression has gotten worse again, and both my psychiatrist and therapist pushed me to look for treatment again. I might just go back to SSRIs in the hope that they help, I just don’t want to be on such a high dose again. I’m currently looking at Transcranial magnetic stimulation treatment, and hopefully that works. I’m kinda tired of living like this, to be honest. Not saying that I want to die or anything like that thankfully, but I’m just tired. I’m tired always, and I don’t really have it in me to do anything. I just want to sleep for a few months. Maybe then I’ll be better.

Situation: I might start treatment again

Thoughts: It won’t work, and I just end up having to deal with side effects and lose valuable experiences in life due to them. It’s just like SSRI’s again.

Feelings: Feel hopeless, and like I don’t want to do it or anything else.

Behavior: I sit here and rot

Thoughts: There’s more to gain than there is to lose. Also, TMS is a new thing, and seems very promising. And maybe it does work.

Feelings: I feel tired, but a bit more optimistic. At least enough to try to go through with it.

Behavior: Maybe I get better, at least I try.

I’m going to go to sleep. Hopefully, I wake up and somethings different. My DBT workbook is coming soon, I’m at least looking forward to that. I love you Ansh ♥

I usually have my bike locked right outside my apartment. I again forgot to grab it yesterday, so I left it at the parking structure. I think I could have been upset that I have to walk over to get it, but I also had a thought “I get to enjoy the sun on my walk over”

I wonder if life could be inherently enjoyed, even if the specific circumstances don't change. Maybe it's all just a point of view?

Situation: Friend mentioned that they didn’t really want to go to concerts together

Thoughts: There must be some inherent trait about me that makes them not want to do that with me.

Feelings: Feel rejection, and also like there is something I am doing wrong.

Behavior: I get hurt, and I feel this resentment around them because of rejection.

Thoughts: This was them being honest, even if it had to be coerced a bit. That’s something I’m grateful for. Also, we are into very different styles of music – I also know that I usually don’t see friends as people I can be myself at concerts with. If I flip our positions, I would feel much more anxious at the concert and probably not enjoy myself as much if I went with them, or other friends for that matter. There’s nothing wrong with them, I just prefer being alone so I don’t have to worry about behaving a normal way. I can be at whatever energy I want.

Feelings: It’s an uncomfortable thing to hear, but not inherently bad. The only bad thing is the connotation that isn’t even necessarily true.

Behavior: I behave as normal with no resentment.

I’m just happy today. There are many things to be happy about and not many things for me to be sad about currently. I’m just going to try to enjoy this while it lasts. I talked with a friend about our cringe private Instagrams, and I mentioned that this blog would most likely be the next iteration of that – something I look back on later and cringe about. At least currently I don’t feel that way, partially because I think I at least write down some insights, and it’s not just me crying like my old Instagram used to be.

I’ve been getting a lot of kind messages from people on my YouTube channel regarding my AoC walkthroughs, and I’ve been very happy to hear I’ve been able to help out a lot of people! It’s a shame I haven’t been able to do that with any friends, but oh well. You can lead a horse to the water, give them a straw, and flavor it even but that bitch won’t drink it. I think that’s what the saying is.

Situation: I see a friend making a big mistake in life

Thoughts: This is something fully avoidable, and I would rather them think I’m overbearing rather than them regretting this much later.

Feelings: I feel upset at myself for having to be put in this position

Behavior: They don’t change anything, and I’m just overbearing

Thoughts: I really owe no obligation to other people, and so if they are making big mistakes that’s up to them. I can help people out when they want help, but otherwise I should let them do whatever.

Feelings: Feel sad that I see them make huge mistakes, and a big resentful because they aren’t putting in the same effort I had to. But also I feel a bit more free.

Behavior: Maybe they don’t regret their decisions, after all I always could be wrong on how things turn out.

Love you Suman ♥

I recently have been feeling like I’m not a good person. I’ve been mostly feeling this, as I’ve just been pretty depressed, and have stopped smiling in normal life. But at the same time, I was talking to a new friend, and they kept mentioning how nice or kind I am. I don’t feel comfortable for some reason hearing this from people, and I feel like I have to argue against it. I guess in my mind I’m always seen as the monster.

I did have to realize, at least I made progress in something. I bought my friends a game since both of them didn’t have the most financial freedom, and I had money from selling one of my things. One didn’t say anything, and the other told me to fuck off. I would do it again. I’ve been trying to do one nice thing every day with no recognition, and I weirdly feel like it’s worked. Who would have thought? I am happy just doing things I think are nice now, just for the action themselves.

I just finished recording, editing, and uploading my video for day 5 of AoC. I’m fucking POOPED. I am not looking forward to having to drink my protein/creatine shake and brush all that get ready for bed. I am eepy, I wanna just conk out now.

I think I journaled enough today, as I did vent earlier twice. I’m kinda over it, as in I realize it’s not that deep. I’m preemptively upset to protect myself, but also I might just let it run it’s course and what happens happens. No point being upset now.

I will say I looked back at the DM’s, and I really don’t think they understood what they did that was wrong, which really sucks. They think that their problem is that they flaked on something. I’m gonna stop myself here, because maybe I’m making an assumption that is invalid – let me clear that up before I jump to any conclusions. I think either way it really isn’t that deep. Or at least I don’t want it to be.

Situation: Friend who I had issues with didn’t say no outright, and rather gave excuses which was the original problem.

Thoughts: Nothing has changed, they will choose the path of least resistance for them, even if it leaves me in a state of limbo and anxiety.

Feelings: They don’t care enough about my suffering to even try being uncomfortable in the faith of healthy communication.

Behavior: I avoid getting close with this person, as they seem to not respect my wellbeing.

Thoughts: Maybe they have changed at least about the bigger parts. I think I have to be more patient with people, most people haven’t had a reason to change much, and that’s something good. I’m happy they haven’t had a reason for that, but at the same time it sucks then that they don’t know how to change better. So all I can do is be patient with them, and recognize the progress where it is. After all, I am grateful that they explicitly said “thank you for bringing this up”

Feelings: I feel a bit more understanding, and so I feel ok.

Behavior: I maybe put a little less weight into their actions, and shadow everything with this understanding for my own protection, but I still care for them as a friend and grow with them.

Something I want to tell them, but I probably can’t right now:

They asked me to explicitly say “It’s ok if you say no” when I ask them to do something or to join me with something. I think this is a bad idea for a few reasons:

1. I need to have the assurance that they feel comfortable saying no in regular situations, and it’s unreasonable to specify this on everything.

2. You get over things like this through stuff like exposure therapy. For that to work, there has to be exposure to something stressful. I have explicitly said several times it’s okay to say no, so in that regard, this is a safe thing, but at the same time, this is something where the first time is the hardest by far. They need to consciously say no at some point, and then see that everything is ok.

Regarding point 1, consent is undoubtedly incredibly important. But at the same time, it’s incredibly unreasonable to ask for consent with everything. Imagine if you had to ask your partner for consent every time you touched them on the shoulder, or gave them a high-five. This is an extreme example, but the point I want to make is there is an underlying trust that you can at any point say “I want to not do this”, and that it will be respected. This isn’t something that you need to explicitly ask every time after you have this level of trust and understanding. I think this is a similar thing here. I want this person to trust me enough when I say it’s ok to say no to anything, and to be able to use that also.

Ahh, incoherent rant aside it’s time for me to get ready for bed. Love you Big ♥

Right now I just feel like I don't have a voice. It feels like the things I say do nothing, and mean nothing. I kinda just wanna stay quiet from now on. What's the point of facing basically rejection when I talk about things that aren't inherently agreed upon. I thought after leaving my family it would change, but it kinda feels like nothing changed. I know I'm depressed right now, and so my present feels like all there is, but still. I can't help but feeling like it's my fault that they don't hear what I'm saying.

My dad's currently looking at getting a new car, and he wants to get rid of the old car that he currently has. That car is pretty much my dream car, and he's getting offered below market rate for it. But he won't let me buy it from them, and he's only giving me through proxy a bullshit reason, and so it doesn't even matter what I say as it feels like he doesn't respect me enough to tell me why not.

I kind of just accepted this because this normally happens, and I can't go through life expecting people to be upfront with me. I still hate it.

I asked a friend if they wanted to join me in some other friends taking some rec classes, and they kept giving me different reasonings or excuses. I always assume that people are going to be honest and upfront with things, so when their reasons why they couldn't take it turned out to be avoided, they changed the reason. I have no issues with people saying no, but when I feel like they have to lie to me or give a fake reason why not, that makes me doubt a lot of things. Maybe it's because I'm just not doing the best mentally right now, but it really did upset me because it feels like again they aren't respecting me enough to just say no. Now I'm forced to wonder if it's some more sinister reason like they do not want to hang out with me, or things like that. I wouldn't feel this way if they had just told me no that's not a class I want to take.

It’s 2 am, and I just got home from studying in the library for about 5 hours. I got home and recorded a video for my day 4 AoC walkthrough. I’ve gotten a lot of nice comments, someone even said I had a nice voice. That made me lowkey swoon, as I don’t really like the way my voice sounds.

I’ve gotten pretty anxious recently, I’ve noticed my physical tells are pretty frequent, and also mentally I have to force myself to do things socially. I honestly worry that I’m not being coherent a lot recently, like I’ll say something and not know if I said an understandable sentence. I used to be so eloquent, at least I would think of myself like that. But now I don’t know what’s happened. It’s hard to talk or write. I think I’m just too in my head.

Situation: I don’t want to go to the gym and workout

Thoughts: I just don’t have the energy or any motivation to. I’m tired.

Feelings: I feel like sleeping and stopping.

Behavior: I quit, and maybe stop going overall.

Thoughts: I told myself if I stop I’ll kill myself, because that’s just whats gonna happen anyway. There’s gonna be months where I have no energy ever, and no motivation to do anything. That’s where sheer willpower will make me do things. I can move my body, I can overcome my brain.

Feelings: This is going to hurt, but it’s mind over mind.

Behavior: I thug this shit out until I am less depressed maybe.

Love you, proud of you for sticking to things. It’s just like a muscle, keep doing things you want to do but have no motivation for. Goodnight, and I love you Anshuman ♥

In figure skating, backflips were banned after 1976, because they were too dangerous. Also, it was thought impossible to land on one foot, as figure skating tricks are normally done. Attempting the move would result in a 2 full-point penalty, just for TRYING it.

In 1998, Surya Bonaly (someone who was punished for her style being more athletic rather than artistic) fell during her routine, guaranteeing that she wouldn’t get gold. She had gotten robbed for many years, never getting it, even though she was incredible. After falling, she basically went “fuck this”, and abandoned her routine and went for the banned move, LANDING IT ON ONE FOOT. She became the first person in history to do that, which was thought impossible. The commentators even said “The judges won’t like that”, as she was hailing thunderous applause from the crowd. She finished her routine, and faced just the crowd – her back to the judges.

This gives me absolute chills. Imagine being robbed of recognition for years, and finally failing at the Olympics. And then saying FUCK IT. And doing an impossible, banned trick. For NEGATIVE POINTS. Sacrificing any chance you have at ranking at the FUCKING OLYMPICS. And proving the world wrong, about what really is impossible. And finally NOT EVEN LOOKING AT THE JUDGES AT THE END. If that doesn’t get you hype I don’t know what will. The ability to go to the highest level of something, get NO justice for your abilities, and say “fuck it I don’t care” and prove you’re that girl.

I aspire to have that love for something.

Situation: You don’t get recognition for something you think you deserve.

Thoughts: You need to tailor yourself to get that validation

Feelings: Feel sad, but also that you know how to change it

Behavior: You conform, and follow the rat race

Thoughts: You do things for the love of it, not for the validation

Feelings: In a weird way, I feel like you break out of a cycle

Behavior: You are free, you push what you love to new limits

God Surya Bonaly, you’re up there with Matthias Steiner for me now. One day do something like that Suman ♥