An Open Letter

It’s 3:30 am and I’m getting ready for bed finally. It’s so hard to fix my sleep schedule when it’s so easy to get carried away spending time with E, But there are absolutely things I could’ve done differently.

Today was kind of rough, I was struggling with feeling depressed, I think heavily because of the seasonal stuff. But thankfully I cooked, cleaned, and decided to go to bed a little bit early and so I’m excited because I get to read. It also hopes that it’s raining, and it sounds really beautiful right now.

N is an interesting friend because I can never rely on her for anything since she will not respond to any texts in a reasonable manner. I don’t think this is something I can like fault her for but rather something to just accommodate and value her accordingly as.

It's been hard to get back into the gym recently. I’ve had a lot of off days recently and the lack of endorphin rush makes it really difficult. I feel like I'm consistently low on energy and especially with it getting dark so fast it's hard to find motivation.

We got dinner as a group and there was a weird as hell girl there who was being a dick to me for no reason. I felt good because I’m not mad at her and I’m glad I’m me.

Today honestly I found myself getting depressed again, even though I was productive at work and I should’ve had a relatively good day, I ended up just getting home and wasting time until 930 just squeezing out whatever bit of dopamine I could. I eventually forced myself to go to the gym, and then immediately after an intense set of dead lifts I felt rage and energy. Rage, maybe rage would lift me.

I woke up late because I thought no work. Honestly not much to say other than I am happy.

I worry about spending too much time with E, and losing my independence outside of her, for my well-being and social connection. I realized this problem is going to become apparent very soon, when she goes to Texas for nearly a month around Christmas time. I’m a bit worried since that time of the year is already really difficult for me, but then being increasingly isolated is going to hurt like hell, especially after E has become such a fundamental part of my life.

I got back into it recently a bit and E really liked seeing me do them, and even started to learn herself. She would love playing with them and gets super proud when she solves the white cross, and now the first two layers! I got her one for herself, and she’s super happy with it. It’s crazy to have a partner who’s interested in learning about my interests.

We went to the gym together and tensions gone. I think she’s the one.