An Open Letter

Oh my god, I just subjected myself to an impromptu hackathon for 0 reason, and I built a fully working Kahoot website for LaTeX in time for my 9AM section I teach tomorrow. I spent from midnight till now just trying to deploy my flask backend since I already have my frontend setup because of my portfolio I’m working on @ anshumandash.com. Oh my god I’m exhausted, but I’m so fucking proud of myself.

I came back early from my Jiujitsu class since I was sparring with the professor – a 6’3” 240lbs man, and he crushed my windpipe with a choke at one point. After I had tapped out and got back in line to spar with others, I noticed I had blood on my shirt and pants, and turns out my finger + part of my neck was bleeding. Because we didn’t have any bandages I went home since I couldn’t stop the bleeding there, but I ended up getting some silly little pictures with blood on my throat. Realistically it wasn’t that bad, the bleeding on my neck was very little and stopped pretty quick and the pain’s manageable + my finger just needed some liquid bandage and it’ll be fine. I’m weirdly kinda happy about this experience, as it’s one of those things where I get to act all cool and nonchalant and be like “Oh yeah no biggie, just started bleeding out of the neck. I’m not even worried, that’s normal for me.” even though in reality it’s just a small scrape on the neck and regular finger stuff. I just like feeling like I’m not a weak little bitch who is powerless. Things like this kinda fall into that fantasy, similar to how people fantasize about scars.

I went to a powerlifting club event earlier this week, and the other two people there at first were freshmen who were benching 315. I ended up leaving after a little bit since I wasn’t vibing too well, but that along with the advent of social media had me feeling small and weak. But also when I do things like Jiujitsu, I’m considered freakishly strong, and even against people way better than me I’m able to just purely muscle my way out of a lot of things without even meaning to. Against the professor, I was able to hold my ground for a little bit due to my strength, since I was almost able to get him in an Ezekiel choke, but he was able to get out and get control of me. From that point on he was in a winning position, and instead of transitioning to a mount, he kept turning my arms over and putting his weight on my chest or stomach with his knees. He even said “it’s more fun this way” until he eventually flipped me over and pulled my shoulder back until I tapped.

A younger me would have wanted to cry and been upset about how unfair it was and how he was being cruel, but now I kinda feel proud that I was strong or worthy enough for someone so physically bigger than me and more experienced to go out like that. I’m proud of myself and how I’ve grown.

T agreed to fire up fall guys again, and so I put on my burger outfit and proceeded to call myself “the beast” as we proceeded to lose like 15 games in a row. We agreed to play until we won one, and eventually we got one and I growled so hard that I lost my voice for a bit. We kept playing for a while and now we’re playing a few games of league. I love nights like this, it is so much fun to scream at each other and make blatant excuses for losing.

I feel horrible for this, but I just don’t feel the spark with E. I think we’re fairly different people and at the end of the day, she isn’t what I have in mind for what I want in a partner. I think I’m going to wait a little bit so that it’s not immediately after a date, and then look to break the news. I guess another lesson learned.

I went to the powerlifting club meeting today, and it was two other people and they both were freshmen benching 3 plates. I ended up leaving kinda early since I just didn't vibe, but that spurred on some feelings I had forgotten about. I remembered how painfully mediocre I am. That toxic flame reignited, as I just got surrounded by that familiar feeling, and I ended up doing every single leg exercise as a drop set. I just kept repeating to myself “how much do you hate me” and that would spur me on to keep doing another rep. When I stand up, I can't move my legs the same but that pain was bliss. The feeling of muscles being ripped and begging to stop is enough to just block out everything else and all that's left is a feeling of ecstacy. That bliss is the reward that I'm chasing.

I think I realized while under the influence that I have a pretty bad social anxiety, but the good news is I can now finally articulate what my problem is to my therapist in a way that’s actionable!

One thing that fundamentally scares me is – yeah no this ones a cipher post.

R'n zuizrw lu yvrmt rm z ivozgrlmhsrk. R qfhg wlm'g pmld sld gl vcrhg rm xlmqfmxgrlm drgs zmlgsvi kvihlm. R tfvhh rg'h qfhg gsv izwrlsvzw, yfg R'n ivzoob zuizrw lu gsrh. R'n zuizrw sld nb ozxp lu vckvirvmxv szh ovw nv gl dsviv R zn glwzb, drgs zoo lu gsrh yfrog fk uvzi lu yvrmt kvixvrevw rm hlnv dzb li zmlgsvi dsrxs hxzivh nv luu lu z ivozgrlmhsrk. R gllp z nlnvmg gl ivzw gsilfts gsv xlnnvmgh lm gsv izwrlsvzw hlmt uiln gsv grgov, zmw rg dzh svzerob ulxfhvw drgs kvlkov gzoprmt zylfg sld gsrh dzh gsvri kzivmg'h uzelirgv hlmt, zmw rg dzh kozbvw zg gsvri ufmvizo. Rg ivnrmwvw nv lu gsv jflgv, lmv wzb hlnvlmv mvzi blf droo wrv zmw mlmv lu blfi kilyovnh droo hvvn gszg rnkligzmg zmbnliv. Irtsg mld oruv rh uzriob tllw, R zn lmglk lu gsrmth, R szev ml ivzo hgivhhvh, R'n yfhb vmlfts gl mlg uvvo olmvob, R'n dvoo orpvw yb nb hgfwvmgh zmw kvlkov R rmgvizxg drgs, zmw R szev gsrmth orpv gsv qzkzm girk gl ollp ulidziw gl. Yfg R hgroo szev gsvhv kzrmh gszg hfiilfmw nv zg mrtsg. R uvvo olmvob, bvg rmgrnzxb szh dvriwob hxzivw nv. Ylgs ksbhrxzo zmw vnlgrlmzo. Dszg z drow xszmtv! Zh z prw R fhvw gl zodzbh ilnzmgrxrav z ivozgrlmhsrk hl nfxs zmw dzh hl wvkvmwvmg lm lgsvih, yfg gsv mvvwov szh hdfmt hl uzi R wlm'g ivzoob pmld sld gl olev hlnvlmv rg uvvoh orpv. R uvvo orpv R xzm zodzbh urmw hlnvgsrmt dilmt gl urczgv lm, vevm sbklgsvgrxzo. R ufxprmt nzhgfiyzgv zmw rnnvwrzgvob zugvidziwh R tvg ufxprmt gviirurvw lu mlg pmldrmt sld gl yvszev zilfmw hlnvlmv, zmw gszg uvvormt hxzivh nv hl yzwob gszg R'ev zelrwvw hvc yvxzfhv R uvvo orpv z uivzp. R wlm'g uvvo orpv R tvg gsv lcbglxrm li zmbgsrmt orpv gszg gszg lgsvi kvlkov wl, zmw hl rmhgvzw R'n prmwz qfhg ovug zuizrw lu rg zoo. Sviv R gllp z dsrov gl gzop gl xszgtkg zylfg gsrh, zmw gsrh nvhhztv uiln rg levidsvonvw nv zmw R zonlhg hgzigvw xibrmt: Dszg ru gsv ivzhlm blf uvvo hl wruuvivmg rhm’g yvxzfhv blf’iv ufmwznvmgzoob rmxlnkzgryov drgs ivozgrlmhsrkh, yfg yvxzfhv blf szevm’g bvg urtfivw lfg sld gl vcrhg rm gsvn rm z dzb gszg uvvoh hzuv zmw gifv gl dsl blf ziv? Nzbyv blf’iv gibrmt gl urg rmgl z nlow lu dszg z ivozgrlmhsrk “hslfow” ollp orpv, yfg rg wlvhm’g nzgxs sld blf uvvo rmhrwv. Ovzimrmt dszg blf mvvw gl uvvo hzuv, hfkkligvw, zmw blfihvou rm z ivozgrlmhsrk xlfow yv z tizwfzo kilxvhh lu hvou-wrhxlevib. Rg'h uzriob ozgv hl R hslfow tl xszitv nb xzi yvuliv R tvg gll grivw.

Unfortunately, it’s a bit later than I thought, so I want to keep this short again. I had another date with E today, and it was a great time! We went to watch the Transformers movie, which was super fun and the theater was mostly empty so we were giggling and making jokes the whole time. This feels foreign but also what I’ve been looking for, someone I consider a friend and that I feel like I can be myself around. I’m excited and anxious at the same time.

Right now I’m waiting for my soy sauce delivery to come while my chicken cooks, and right as I typed that my instant pot started hissing, and I feel like it’s about to explode so I’m moving to the other side of my studio apartment. I think I’ve been in a fairly content place in life right now, especially now that I’ve somewhat packed my schedule with things to do. I volunteer at the local middle school for Lego robotics, which is cool because that was a big part of my childhood. I’m doing a few clubs, and I’m joining the gymnastics club which is actually really fun. Jiujitsu started today, and so even though I was injured I went and I had a good time and met some new friends. I got to hang out with S today, and I should be able to hang out with L tomorrow. I have another date with E tomorrow which I’m super excited about, since I actually feel like I can be myself around her which is something that’s difficult for me. I also need to acknowledge that I can’t really write anything too sensitive since I think that there’s a nonzero chance that she reads this (and if so hi E!) and I don’t want to have that quirky little dynamic of a one-way transparency this early on, since I do think this could be the start of something great. In full honesty, I am a little afraid since there haven’t been any red flags so far and they’ve actually responded almost perfectly to big things that I value – but also I don’t want them to read that part since I don’t want there to be some kind of pressure for them to have to fit into some specific mold or have it be where they ‘need to’ get everything perfect. How smart of me to write that warning AFTER the sensitive information, and then to also not go back and edit anything in the usual fashion. I think the big thing that I think is key for me right now is how I feel like I could be comfortable around her in the long run. Like I can visualize being in the same place and doing nothing together, and not feeling like I have to perform anything which is something I think my therapist will be so happy to hear. I also think that since I’ve put in the effort to not be my idea of ‘charismatic’ from the start, a lot of anxieties have gone away, like I’m not afraid of her seeing my tiktoks or behaviors since I’m consistent with who I portray myself as (and who I want to be). As a small little layer of abstraction away from all of this, I want to clarify for my own sake this whole analysis thing – a lot of this is not actually referring to E specifically, but rather just overall concepts and situations that I’ve been working on in therapy for, like not performing a specific way I think someone wants. With that disclaimer weirdly introduced in the middle of this, I think I actually feel like I’d be comfortable being high around her, since my big fear is I turn into a non-verbal goofy fucking idiot; the huge benefit is I’ve been that person (aside from non-verbal) so far! I think this has set me up for success, since I don’t feel like I’ve shot myself in the foot yet, and also how this is actually me and not some weird fucked up trauma coping mechanism from childhood (hooray!).

And now for something that definitely doesn’t deserve the only paragraph break in this post – I also spent over an hour today playing guitar for the first time in god knows how long, which was something that I’ve been missing out on. I purposefully avoided saying “something I’ve been neglecting”, since I don’t want this to be something I’m forced to do but rather another channel for something I can love. I played random songs I fully forgot about, and even sang along and even though I’m pretty happy right now I feel like I somehow released some pressure in some emotional songs. I played until my hands cramped too much, and then had to go to jiujitsu. I’m happy I did that. I think I’m just happy right now.

Wow what dogshit quality of posts recently, I may have to find a better time to do this as I am very sleepy and want to nap with my doggie. I had a nice .5th date (not first date yet) with E, and I actually feel like they’re someone I can see myself being authentic around. I hope this blossoms.