An Open Letter

I bought a really nice monitor for the first time in my life, and I can’t help but feel disappointed with it. I spent a thousand dollars on it, which is an astronomical amount of money – all for it to be just a pain and something that doesn’t even really make me happy. I’m super thankful for the financial flexibility and freedom I’ve gotten, but at the same time I’ve weirdly realized how spending this money doesn’t really make me much happier. At least not in the immediate sense, maybe the overall quality of life increases which does have a factor – it’s nice to have things like shelves and organizers and fancy bedframes, but it’s not like any of these things individually made me jump for joy. Out of all the things in the world to complain about this is such a nice problem to have, but it’s still a problem I guess. I feel bad about seeming insensitive around it, especially when I know that to a lot of my friends money is a pain point, and something that I’ve gotten some shade thrown at me for. I know that it’s not really coming from a place of malice or anything like that, but rather just an inherent kickback to seeing how something that’s a big stressor or issue for them is not for me, the same way I feel that jealousy for other aspects in life. It’s so strange how important money is.

I keep thinking about how Huberman said he heavily respects people who have the strength to end things with people when it’s bad, without the need for it to end in a “good” way. I’ve been thinking about that a lot in the context of A, because regardless of her I think that this is clearly not a good thing for me, and there is just so much extra time and mental stability I am paying to try to end with some notion of things being good. Maybe they don’t have to end good, especially with the consistent pattern of the way I’ve felt from her actions. Regardless if things would change, it’s not like I’m obligated or really wanting to gamble on that anymore. It’s not like there’s a shortage of people in this world, and so I’d like to have the respect for myself to be able to step away from A to make space for those people. I just went and removed her on social media, and I can’t really bring myself to block her on anything unfortunately, so she can still text me. But I think to me this marks moving on.

I feel bad for having such short posts recently, but I feel like it’s understandable with being all over the place moving. I’m still settling back into my routine, and so far so good! I’ve been slowly moving in and getting more and more stuff unpacked, and things are looking like they are coming out good. I’ve spent an ungodly amount of money, which is going to hurt when I pay off my credit card but I’m happy I have the money to do that, and the apartment I’ve been excited about!

M came over and we went swimming and got food. It's nice to have friends, especially ones who get it.

This chapter of my life will be more than ok!

I had an energy drink and my ADHD meds today, and surprise surprise I felt better and had more energy. Who would have guessed? The apartments coming together more and more now and tomorrow I move in properly. I'm excited again!

The opposite of depression is vitality and I feel like I have none. I've spent the whole day with my dad slowly moving and I'm dying.

Today I walked, and officially got my master's degree! And with that I am done with school as far as I know. It's really strange and I spent the rest of the day driving down to San Diego after moving out. Throughout the drive I mostly listened to a podcast by Andrew Huberman about relationships and love, and there were so many insights shared between him and the guest speaker. There were plenty of things I wrote down to think about more later, but one right now that's relevant is the state of emotional numbness; specifically how this state is not the lack of emotion but rather the presence of too many. I mention this because I'm not hurting right now, I'm mostly excited for the future and for what the life I get to shape will look like. I'm a bit confused however because I don't think I'm emotionally numb, but at the same time I'm not really sad I guess I expect to be feeling like that. I talked about this earlier with my therapist and she did say that moving doesn't have to be a trigger for depression or sadness but it feels wrong to be experiencing that.

I have my health, plenty of financial freedom, and the massive benefit of uncertainty. I say the last thing, because that is both the most terrifying thing, but also the thing with the most potential. I could have very easily stayed in my old circumstances and have been content enough to not make a change, but instead I am now plunged into it. It's like trying to fix a flawed pottery vase, tweaking it and making a slight modifications without breaking it versus crushing it and restarting. Except I don't even have to crush it because I have the friends that I value with me, but I also have the space for new ones. What an exciting time to be young.

I know I grew up struggling with self-esteem, and I have worked hard to get to where I am now. I want to believe it, and let it sink in. Combined with the stuff I learned about the liking gap and the acceptance prophecy, I think it is a good thing to remind myself and build my self-confidence back up, and I guess I’m doing that through affirmations again.

I truly believe that I am a catch of a partner. I am very physically fit, and I am very happy with the way that I look. I also have a great job, and am well educated and successful both academically and career-wise. I am outgoing and charismatic with new people, and I have a great sense of humor. I value being kind, empathetic, and compassionate. I am emotionally sound but have also had my fair share of struggles, which have given me a further depth in life. I have my own hobbies and interests I am passionate about, and I am genuinely interested in those of others.

This feels cringe to say, especially by myself, but I know that this is a proven way to help build up my confidence and see the above points about the liking gap. I know I will find some amazing people in San Diego!

Today has just been horribly isolating. A is over to sleep over, and it has been one blow after the other that I just take. She apologized and said I don't deserve this attitude. I told her I just want to be known, and she told me she understands. I told her she doesn't and she told me she does. I told her again she doesn't and again she told me she does.

I don't think she understands it because if she truly did, she would want to know me. I know it's hard, but I feel like if she really understood she would know how to take steps towards it. But the big problem I felt was that there were no steps, and even when I would try to pull her along it would be reluctant. And it doesn't help when I try to speak up it's met with aggression.

She noticed how quiet and sullen I had become. She would ask me how I feel, and when I would say something she would take offense and start getting agitated. If I tried to clarify or just say that this was how I'm feeling it would escalate and she would start to yell at me. And then I get more quiet. And then she goes to smoke her nicotine. And I just sit there thinking.

It's so weird to hear how much someone loves me from someone who I don't think understands me or really takes an interest into me. All that I'm left with is the feeling that they like the value I provide to them. And I don't think that's what I should see of love. It's a shame I didn't have a better view of that growing up, otherwise I could say this with confidence.

A spent the night here, and it was so nice to have her in my arms again. I was open and honest about things that I wish I knew I could have said way earlier yesterday. She was so kind in the way she handled it, and I cannot say how much I appreciate that. But also there are so many of the issues that still exist that lay just under the surface. I find myself wanting to text her more and more often, and I keep thinking about the things that happened in the past and how they hurt me. I think about all of the complications of the situations that caused so much anxiety and pain for me. I think about how at the end of the day there’s just a fundamental disconnect about what we expect of each other I guess.

She gets hurt by me in comparison because I want to do things to make her happy, and it doesn’t even feel like effort to me. Her happiness is my happiness, and that’s more than enough of a reward or incentive for me to prioritize it. And then this hurts her in a way, because she then gets sad about how she can’t do the same for me. But at the same time then I feel sad because it’s not an answer of “can’t” – but more like a not worth it. And then it becomes “won’t”. I think the bar is so low, but also that’s because of how I grew up and the fundamental differences we have in our approaches to life. I can’t fault her at all, it’s just different circumstances and the ways we cope – it’s not like people really get much of a choice on how they cope, we are just humans handling our first time living anyway. But it does start to make me sad.

Why can’t she take a curiosity into me? Why doesn’t she try to read or watch a YouTube video on how to address issues she faces? One thing she said she loves so much about me is how I understand her, and how I see her fully. And I don’t mean just looking with my eyes, but rather trying to understand with genuine curiosity who someone is, their story, their likes, their quirks, and the things that shape them. I feel alone because I don’t feel that same reciprocation. I guess those are things that I can also work on, at least making it much easier for others; for example I could be more polarizing and upfront about hobbies I have, like maybe I go on a rant about league of legends or overwatch or something equally as embarrassing. Maybe I talk about the YouTubers I enjoy watching, and the things I find funny instead of feeling shame about it and just cutting the conversations short. I know that I’m somewhat of a blank slate to some extent when I feel like someone wouldn’t get it, but at the same time I just have that human craving to be seen. I’m not blaming her because how can I if there are still things that I can work on and control myself? I just feel sad because I’ve spent so much of my life as an observer. My parents never found my suicide note or even knew about it in highschool when I planned to hang myself. And they didn’t even know about the time when I got hospitalized, they only found out when insurance billed them. None of my friends knew either. And I guess I have myself to partially blame for that, I never reached out or told people how much I was struggling, and I never asked for that support. What else am I supposed to do when all throughout my life those pleas were met with aggression?

Like fuck, it’s a shame to get so depressing and dark on something that wasn’t meant to be like this. But I guess everything is connected if you go down enough layers. I want to know that I have a place in the world, and that space would be missing if I was to die. R made a post about how being in a big city was overwhelming and depressing in an existential sense, because you are so insignificant to it. But to me, a city hasn’t changed that at all. You learn how little you matter really quick when you grow up in a small house alone, and you realize how little you’re observed. One year my parents forgot when my birthday was, and that stuck to me for a long time. I told my dad I wouldn’t care if he didn’t show up to my highschool graduation, and he didn’t show up because he had a business trip. I was wrong to say that because when he wasn’t there I felt so unloved. My family knows so little about me, and who else in the world does? I don’t mind having such a vulnerable thing like this journal online because I don’t feel like I’m perceived enough for that to matter. And when I am perceived, I feel terrified because it’s more than I think is possible. Like I don’t remember the last time anyone’s asked me if I’m ok, and it’s not like I blame anyone for it. It’s just unreasonable to expect that, especially if I’ve set the precedent of not really showing my emotions as well as I probably should.

I think the day someone gets me is the day the walls crumble. I think it’s an unreasonable bar to set, but for someone to put in all that time and effort to understand my small mannerisms, to notice the signs whenever I’m hurting, all the little cues I put just for myself, to see how I react, god that would be the day I feel seen. It’s such a monumental task. I think A has taught me that loving me is easy, but that comes from what I can do for them. I don’t know the word for it other than love, but I just pray that eventually I find someone who loves me in a way which isn’t just what I do, but who I am. And I think it’s hard to love me like that, and so I can pray.