An Open Letter

I really like this quote because I like to interpret it in an unconventional lens. I think of what you can do as what you are capable of, and your potential. And so the quote becomes fully realize your potential. And I think that's a good reminder, because everyone is capable of way more than they think they are, you only find out once you push and see that that boundary isn't actually there.

I talked with M today as we hung out for like 6 hours. At one point it came up, and I mentioned how she hasn't really gassed me up ever even though we originally talked about it, and she apologized. I told her it wasn't a big deal, but we talked about it more later and she mentioned about how as an attractive woman, if she tells me that she finds me attractive in the way of a compliment, she is afraid of losing my friendship the potential of something physical. And then I kind of got it. To me, it has mostly felt like I am not actually important and not someone to look at, and that I am essentially cast aside compared to all of the other men she sees, and that I'm not enough to notice. Or that I am not worthy of any compliments. But that's not the case, she told me she does find me attractive but she's more afraid of losing me and the boundary we set about not being physical as friends. And I guess ultimately just not wanting to lead me on, because a lot of men of course are starved for that validation and whenever we receive it it feels special.

So thinking about it this way, I understand that it's not that I am untouchable or undesirable, but kind of the opposite I guess – too important to risk. I wonder if a similar thing is happening with T, because she stopped gassing me up and mentally I did take note of it. Maybe it's better for me to think a similar situation is happening, where it's not that I am undesirable or unattractive, but there's something else at play that I just don't I think about.

T sent me something today that hurt and it was the same issue that I tried to tell her yesterday. I sent her messages about it carefully thought out, and she immediately doubled down and said she doesn't care. I told her that if that was the case I don't really feel comfortable with some of the jokes we make anymore, and then she realized it's a miscommunication and then I had to clear it up. But the damage was kind of done. She did something that pushed on a sensitive topic for me that she knew about, I brought it up to her, and she doubled down. That broke a lot of my trust in her because I told her that something she did made me feel uncomfortable and her first response made me feel like she didn't care. If I seriously talked to someone about something that affected me, and that's their response, the only logical thing I can really do is just acknowledge how that person handled a situation that hurts me, and keep armor up around them. And I don't want to do that with someone who I consider a close friend.

Without going into details, I felt emasculated by the things she said and her actions. This has always been a sensitive subject for me, because I guess masculinity has been something that I've somewhat struggled with. I'm not a “toxic masculine” person, but masculinity is a big part of my identity I guess. I also have feminine traits but that's not who I am predominantly. And I think this issue is really more prominent because of how much of my personality changes based on the people I'm around. It's not like I'm faking anything, but it's just that I behave differently around different groups, and around T I mostly act more feminine, because that's the kind of person she is. We have a running joke of me being a twink, and I was fine with it till now. She used femininity to insult someone that was really really bad, but to me that felt like all of the times she joked about me being a twink was not in jest, but rather an insult. And then I felt like all that I am is being reduced to some bitch because that's all she knows about me.

It's not like she's seen me in person. It's not like she knows how strong I am, or how many years I've done combat sports. And how good I am at them. She hasn't seen me in masculine environments. She hasn't seen me fight. She doesn't understand how fucking good I am at the things I do. She doesn't know about what happens behind closed doors. She doesn't know so much shit about me, like so many other people don't. And so all she fucking knows is the soft bitch sides of me that I am around her, because I want her to feel comfortable. Because I know she doesn't feel comfortable around men for valid reason, and so she doesn't see so much about me. I am a man. And it fucking pisses me off so much when shit like this happens, because if some guy says this shit to me, I can just beat their ass. But what the fuck am I supposed to do here? They are afraid of men, just like so many other people. There's a reason women feel comfortable around me so consistently, and that's because I am so much more than just the masculine parts of me. But I also absolutely am those masculine parts of me also. And it feels like I just have to fucking sit here and take it as someone laughs at me and treats me like a little bitch. And I can't do anything for their own sake.

Now I'm just filled with rage, and I couldn't even hit the fucking punching bag at the gym because my phone was about to die and I had to go home. And I don't have anything in my apartment that I can hit. But all I want to do is just beat the shit out of someone. I miss fighting people in Jiu-Jitsu that had 20 lbs on me and just muscling through them. I miss knocking people over from kicks while they were holding the pads. But I fucking moved and I haven't found any combat gyms yet. And so this part of me just sits fucking welled up.

I'm so much more than what any one individual knows. Especially in the case of T. I'm glad they feel comfortable around me, and that this is another person where I'm one of the only men they trust. I'm really fucking mad it comes at my expense.

I'm thankful that something is familiar to me. This comfort got me through childhood and for that I am grateful. But it doesn't serve me now and so I will bid my farewell to it.

That was just a somewhat pretentious way of saying I'm making a choice to not be sad anymore. It sounds really weird to say it like that, because I want to somehow give some kind of asterisk saying how it's not always just a choice, but it is more often than I think. The thing that really woke me up to this again is watching a video I had saved about the law of attraction. Whatever I think about and whatever I focus on will come. And it kind of made a lot of sense when I thought about today, and how I was finding all these different reasons to beat myself up and feel unloved. I have L asking to play games, and also T. And also J. But I wanted to focus on the fact that S didn't ask me to play. And that hit me hard enough along with the rest of the things today that I actually went and cried. I was playing a game of cs with T, and I remember I was doing really bad at the start of the game and they insulted someone else telling them that they needed to get more kills, while they had way more than I did and I was struggling. That one hurt, but it didn't need to hurt as much as I let it. I guess I kind of invited that hurt because that's just how I felt, I was hurting and I wanted something to justify it I guess. I wasn't hurting because of that comment, but because I'm coming out of a depressive episode. But that was really the issue, I'm at least glad that I can see where to point my pain. I remember I also got way more jealous than I expected or that I wanted to when I heard T changing her picture to one that I know she liked of herself, and being friendly with other people online. I really didn't expect to feel this way and so I wanted to look into that more in myself. I think I felt jealousy and this insecurity because it felt like being replaced I guess. I remember I was already feeling kind of distant because I wasn't feeling good and that's partially on me, maybe I could have spoken out a little bit more. But I already felt disconnected, and a little bit alone – and then hearing them talk about how someone on the opponent team friended them and trying to message them during the game, I guess that made me feel like I was ready to be discarded. But that's not the case, I absolutely know that I am a very close and valuable person to T, and I'm not just some toy to be thrown to the side. I think when I can unmask this issue, I can let it rest a little bit more easily. I know that it's not that I'm being replaced, but it's just that right now I'm suffering from that absence in my heart and it's just something that pushed on it a little bit. Nothing more malicious than that.

I guess another thing that I feel like I've been really fixating on is how none of my friends have been validating me in the way that I would hope. I have to stop myself immediately, because I know that J and M absolutely gas me up the way that I really appreciate. I think rather than focusing on the negative I should rather focus on the positive. I am really grateful for the ways they build me up. I'm also very grateful for the way that L asks me to play. I'm also very grateful for how T and S send me videos frequently.

I want to choose to be happy again, and I will.

I'm only writing this because I removed the link from my bio for a bit, and so I don't think anyone will see it. At least not in time. After some weeks this will just be another cringy vulnerable moment notarized online. One of many.

I'm sitting on my bathroom floor with the lights off listening to music trying to cry. But instead I write this here. I just want to be loved. Not even romantically, I just want to take up space. Is that too much to ask? I want to have weight, and to not be just cast aside. I want to have a place in someone's mind, to be worth something. God I want to be remembered, I want people to want to be around me. I want people to want me there. I pray it's just a cruel trick of my mind, but I constantly just feel like the people I care about the most don't see me the same. I wish S asked me to play once in a while. I want to be someone that could be there. I wish T also asked, same with L. I'm always the one who reaches out. I wish M said nice things to me once in a while, and put in effort to hang out. I face so much rejection so often by being the one to take the steps and effort to exist. It seems automatic to others. I just want to exist man. I want to exist, I exist, I exist. I think I'm a good person to be around, I like who I am. Why doesn't it feel like others see me the same? Like I'm good when I'm there, but I can drift into the background and off the picture and that's fine. I can disappear so quietly it's terrifying. I want to take up space. I want something to be missing when I'm not there. I want me to be missing. I want people to care for me, not just when I'm begging right in their face. God I want and I want and I want.

I forced myself to do several different things today and I'm happy I did. I met some people from work that were pretty fun to talk to and hang out with, and I spent time with friends.

One thing I was thinking about is how I form my attraction to people heavily based on their personality, and I guess how much I like them as a person. And I've never really used it the other way around – thinking about how attractive I find someone as an indication of how much I like them, or how strong my relationship with them is. Like if I think about M, I find her less and less attractive over time directly correlated with the issues I have with her.

Today I just slept in, worked out, got food, and then watched TV and relaxed. I’m honestly pretty happy with today, since I just got a chance to relax. Oh yeah I also signed up for a crossfit singles event, a hip-hop studio class, and a martial arts workout tomorrow morning. I’m also going hiking afterwards, so good on me for being active! Ok time for bed.

So one good thing I guess, I checked the messages and it showed read so I don’t think she blocked me – hooray for trust! Still staying blocked though.

I spent most of today trying not to cry at work, and it was so bad that even my dad asked if I was ok, which is HORRIBLY out of the norm. But I went to the gym, and I deadlifted, and hit a new “pr”! I had a great gym session, got some cool photos, and then played league with T and J till 3:36 AM. Time to pass out!

The last time I interacted with my sister was over 4 months ago where she said congrats on your job, and I said “thanks” over text. Today was already a fucking really shit day. And then I came home and I was looking forward to spending time with friends and it was even worse. I kind of just got left by everyone except for J, I even bought T and L the game to play with us. And I just kind of got ignored, and then when I would die they would cheer and say that they were happy. I even told them I was having a really rough day and I was struggling. R texted me during it and said people want to be around me and that I can easily be loved. And that broke me. I just turned off my audio, muted my microphone and I just tried to distract myself so I wouldn't cry. No one fucking missed me, and the only time they acknowledged me was when they tried to push my character off so that I would die again and not be able to play for another 10 minutes or whatever. I died again and C said “good” and I just left. No one really seemed to care other than J. He called me and convinced me to play some more just with him. And then we played some Fall guys and we just talked. And I fell like someone cared if I was still here.

I have never been more surrounded by people, but also so alone. Today already broke me pretty hard, and then just now right before going to sleep I get a text from my sister. And then she asks me on a serious note if I don't like her reaching out. I'm already doing my best to hold on and not break down, and now I either have to lie to protect the peace again like I always fucking have to do, or I have to fucking deal with this full severance of this bridge now. And all of this on the day where I blocked someone for the first time, A. I blocked her number, and I blocked her on Instagram. And I hurt myself in the process by trying to be kind to her and instead again my trust gets broken.

And so I told my sister that I don't feel good when she reaches out. I told her that I've spent my entire life being both her and my mom’s punching bag, and that no one has stood up for me in our family. And so I don't want to take that anymore. No response.

The last time we did something as a family was in college when we went to Australia. In one of the hotels my sister didn't bring a charger and so she tried to take the one that I brought and I told her no because I brought it for me and I needed it, and so she threw the heavy charger at my head and I barely dodged it. I went to my parents and begged them to do something, to tell her not to do that at the least, and my mom started screaming at me saying how she should hang herself because she was overwhelmed. I begged my dad and he told me there was nothing he could do. I left my phone and everything and just walked out in the middle of a random country. I kept walking until I found the road and I planned to lay down in the dark until a car came and it hit me. I ended up sitting on a bench farther away and just broke down crying. I don't know how much time passed before my dad found me. I still feel guilty because it's not his job either to have to play peacekeeper for the family, but he was the only one that would possibly do it when I'm gone. And so he just sat with me and he didn't know what to say. He told me how he can't stop my sister and how she rules the family. And he just begged me to come back and eventually I did.

Part of me wishes I did follow through there. It scares me how I'm thinking about suicide again, and how it doesn't scare me. Normally I catch myself when I start to ideate. But I really want that comfort now of thinking about it. I could give Hash to my dad because I'm near him now, and then not let go of the accelerator. As long as I'm the only one that dies I don't mind, as long as Hash is taken care of. I wonder if he would even know I was never coming back. I don't think he would wait for me, and that thought made me breakout sobbing again.

I think whenever someone commits suicide it affects everyone around them and that sticks with them. But it's in a selfish way. I think people think about how that person must have been suffering, and how horrible of a thing that is. If there closer to that person they might think about how they get to interact with them again, or how they last interacted. And I think that's where it stops for me. I think the only person that would really miss me is my dad. I think he's the only one who would want me back. And it hurts me because he doesn't even know me. All I know is that he loves me unconditionally because I'm his son.

I keep thinking about that one line from that poem: I just want to enter a room and not slip through the cracks. J asked me if I was a nihilist, and I said I was. I truly don't think I have changed anything or I will. I've gone so many weeks and so many months without anyone taking time to look at me. I guess I'm just nothing of substance, the way that I've just fallen through all the cracks throughout life. Maybe I believe that other people matter, but I don't think I do. I know that I exist, and that I get to experience things. But I also think that nothing would really change if I was gone. I think the biggest impact I could have is killing myself, and the trauma and waves that that makes. But I think even then I would be forgotten fairly quickly. It's not like I'm a big part of anyone's life. I sometimes think about if something happened to me in my apartment, it might take weeks for anyone to notice. The only person that would eventually notice would be my dad. Maybe after a week he would send a text pinging me, and then he might come if I don't respond. And maybe a neighbor would smell something. But outside of that I don't think anyone would know. Do you know how terrifying of a thought that is? Not dying like that, but the belief that you could and that would all that's coming.

I was thinking today when driving home from work how I want to be strong for the younger me. Instead of a lighter load, wish for broader shoulders. I think about how no one knew I was in the hospital when I tried to kill myself my freshman year. No parents, no friends. I want to be strong for that me. No one should be alone there. But no one's coming, no one noticed and no one knew until the insurance billed my parents. That really reinforces in you how little you matter to the world around you. And how easily and quietly you can fall through the cracks.

I've begged and given everything I can to not be this way. But I'm not a strong person. Today was too much and it was nothing at all. But this was enough to push me to want to die again after all these years of being clean. My life is in such a good spot right now. And still here I am, fantasizing about killing myself again. All I can think about is how I want to say that I'm pathetic. How I just want to put myself down. And I know that that's not me thinking that along with the rest of these thoughts I hope. But fuck it sounds like me. And so it's really hard to know.

I finally blocked A today. This is the first time I've blocked someone like this. I did this in therapy, and before doing it I talked with my therapist about how I could take the selfish route. If I just block her, she's in the dark and when she finds out it's devastating. Or I could put myself at risk and tell her I'm blocking her and risk finding out I could be blocked without knowing, and then that pain is on me. I chose what I always do which is to protect them and I saw I was blocked. She has promised and swore on everything to her several times that she wouldn't block me again. How many times can I be the fool for trusting.

And so now my hands are covered in blood, but it's not hers. The only guilt I have is to myself. When will I protect myself, no one is going to choose me over them so who is left to care for me if I don't? How many times can I hurt myself trying to be good. To trust is to be vulnerable and I feel like at some point I need to care for myself.

I try to remind myself that I am strong, and choosing to take on burden on others behalf makes me stronger. But I don't know why I do. I think I'm stupid. And so now this weight is mine to add to the pile.

I bought the latest iPhone today because I got my employee discount. It weirdly stresses me out, having to set it up and get used to all the change. I also had both a really good day today, and then kind of a crash at night here. I feel socially pretty content right now, I have four relatively active friend groups and several different individual people that I interact with frequently and that I trust. I also got plenty of exercise and ate food today. Everything is good, but I just feel bad.

I watched a video that I hadn't watched yet with my ex, and it didn't hurt me as much as I thought it would. So I guess that's a good sign, but I still do feel I guess somewhat alone? It feels weird to say that because it doesn't feel right if you know what I mean. So I guess maybe that's not really what I'm feeling. And then I'm not really sure what I'm feeling, all I know is I just feel bad and I can't really pinpoint what's the cause of that. Like part of me wants to cry and have a hug, but I don't even know what I would cry about. And it doesn't feel like I'm missing anything and so I'm really confused. Maybe I'm just overwhelmed, in a very passive way, where I both feel equipped to deal with the things in my life but also it's taking its toll on me. I guess 2 weeks of no therapy would also do that to me.