An Open Letter

I stayed up playing stadium with T and two other friends we made, and we just did not lose with me on tank. I fucking LOVE reinhart, I’ve been doing two different builds and with that I’ve been able to handle basically all matchups. Holy shit it’s so much fun, I’d love to get a full group of people to play with.

I sent A a text for some closure, but also to ask about the last thing that was sitting on my mind. She just read the first text, and then never even opened the other one. The entire conversation was archived for me, so I wouldn’t be constantly reminded or tempted by it whenever I opened my texts.

I sat here not typing anything for a few minutes.

When she first broke my trust I asked her to do something to show me that she was able to think of me, as some kind of action to show that she meant what she was saying. She started to tell me how she had something she was going to give me that I could keep, and how I should give her credit for that – but she never told me what it was. Weeks passed, and it never came, and so once everything ended I’m left wondering if there actually was something. I suspect that it was something like some art project that she wanted to do like the painting she gave me for my birthday, but since it never came I feel like she didn’t actually do it, and that’s why she’s not responding to any of my messages.

I saw something on her story today and seeing her profile picture made me sad. Also I guess the fact that her life is just going on and I was ignored I guess. I think it’s maybe a good trait while also destructive for me to constantly have this optimism that people are able to do for me what I would hope – in this case that being have a proper closure conversation with me and to say the right things. I want to hear something like “I do care about you, but I also have too many other things going on in my life where I don’t feel like I can give you the time you deserve. I feel like I keep messing up, and I don’t know what to say or do, and it ends up just hurting both of us.” and then something along the lines of not seeing each other anymore. While writing that out, I realized how a lot of the core sentiments were captured in the texts she sent. And I got kinda stuck writing that text, because to me if someone was able to communicate with me about that I feel like I’d be able to communicate to them the parts that were hurting me. I find it hard to accept that the problem is that they could understand what I’m asking, and then just forget to ever do them. But also that may just be because they have too much other stuff happening in life, like other problems and stresses. While I’m under periods where I’m a mess and it feels like my life is falling apart it’s hard to be able to be present for someone else like that, and so I guess I can understand. Hurts for both of us for different reasons, but it’s what has to happen.

I hold no ill will against her. Maybe in another life we would have met at a different time, or she wouldn’t have had nearly as much on her plate and there would have been the space to communicate, and it could have been great. This makes me think of the quote, “every drink thrown in your face is one less what-if”, or at least the quote was something like that. I’m glad I found out this what-if, and if nothing else I learned so much more about myself in a relationship.

I’ve been buying so much shit on amazon, getting a head start on splurging with my new job. I’m weirdly not stressed, but also not like fully content right now in life. I feel like a sense of looming anxiety and I’m not fully sure at what – most likely it’s at the massive change that’s about to happen to me. I’m honestly pretty stressed the more I think about it, from the sense of uncertainty that comes with it.

I didn’t really expect to feel this pull, but today once I left friends I felt a bit of that loneliness. I thought about the ideal situation of feeling comfortable with A again, and thought about the best-case scenario of her being sweet and caring to me. I have to remind myself about how that’s not reality, and also how hard it is to even remember the last time she showed that she cared about me. I think it was early on in the relationship when she got me a pack of candy, like sour patch kids. She isn’t the person I’m hoping for, and it’s going to suck but I just won’t have certain niches filled for the forthcoming future. I’ll live, and I’ll be doing better once I move on.

So I think this is finally the end to this whole chapter. I said that I don't think she has enough space or time for me, and so I'll give her space. And then she responded with a couple paragraphs essentially saying we should call it for good and wishing me the best. She also did slip in a couple last mean comments before the conclusion so oh well. It's one of those things where it just fundamentally isn't something she can understand right now, and we can't communicate in a way to bridge that gap.

I feel sad, but not nearly as sad as I expected I guess. It might come and hit me later, but at least I've talked to friends, I pushed myself pretty hard at the gym and then played basketball for a while which helped my mood for sure. And then R and C invited me to a concert at someone's house and so I'm right now waiting in the car for them to arrive because I don't want to go in by myself. I also called V and we talked for just a little bit, but it was nice to hear his voice. I think the lesson I want to learn here is instead of constantly hoping for the best, being somewhat realistic and paying attention to patterns and how things are going. I dragged this out way longer than it needed to be because I kept thinking that she could change, and so I would give her another chance again and again. I think this is the loyalty to a fault, I just didn't want to believe that they weren't going to change.

Change is such a weird thing, because to me I feel like so much of it is just effort. Ultimately it feels like that was what I was asking, for her to show some kind of effort to be better, I never expected her to be perfect or anything like that – but at least I wanted to see that she didn't want to keep hurting me. But that kind of didn't happen. I would pretty much have to beg her to do half-assed things to show that she cares about me as a person, and even then she wouldn't do them. I don't think that's what love is supposed to be like, it feels really weird because she says she loves me and I haven't loved her for a bit. But at the same time I'm the one always giving to her and it's a one-sided thing, which is so strange to me because typically it should be the person that loves that's giving.

While driving over, I was thinking about how there is a difference between love and want. I think a lot of what was going on in A's head was want more than love. I think she wanted the emotional stability, and support that I provided. I think she also wanted to believe that she was a good person and in a good spot emotionally. Whenever that illusion would falter a little bit, she would become incredibly defensive and would end up kind of just trying to act like it wasn't happening. It's kind of ironic because I think the healthy way to address that would have been acknowledging whenever she makes a mistake the same way everyone does, after all we are human. I also think about the statement “it takes two to argue”, and I realized how in the relationship that really wasn't the case. It's not that we were getting in arguments, it was more a one-sided yelling match. Anytime I would try to speak about my feelings or ask her to do something slightly different, it would end up with her yelling at me, raising her tone, cutting me off, and unintentionally doing a lot of manipulative things. She would say things like “I guess I should just leave and I can leave your life if I'm that bad”, or she would keep moving goal posts, or changing the topic, and making quick little snarky remarks without giving me a chance to respond to them. I'm happy that for most of the relationship I wasn't raising my tone back or anything like that, but for better or for worse I started to stick up for myself more and would match her energy later on. I think I still don't like that, but I'm glad at least I was able to try that on to see that I don't.

Another thing that I saw online that I really liked was someone saying “I understand why you did what you did, and I understand the motivation for it. But at the same time if the positions were swapped, I would not do that to you, and that is the problem.” I think that made some more things click for me, or at least put them in perspective. I would often understand why she would do the things that she would, but then I would end up at a weird emotional impasse where I would not know where to put the hurt that I was feeling, because typically I was on the end of those decisions. And I guess this is just an incompatibility thing. Someone can be justified in their own decisions, but as the recipient of some of the consequences I fully am within my rights to leave. I hope that my next and future relationships are more aligned with my morals.

I think it's kind of weird because I just remembered cuddling with her when the relationship was still good, and that was early on before I realized I couldn't communicate anything with her. I want to hold on to that feeling of love and safety. I want to have that again in the future, and for that I need to I guess want it. If I don't want it how am I going to put myself out there, and risk hurt again. I'm kind of glad I'm not that emotionally pain averse, because even though this ended up messy I think I came out okay, and I'm still glad that I did it if nothing else to learn. This has helped me understand what it means to be loved more, by the absence of it.

I think it's kind of funny when I turned on my voice to text to start rambling, all I really let out was a really big sigh. The whole situation with A a has got me kind of fucked up right now in a kind of mild way. It also doesn't help that my wrist is still sprained, and I fractured my toe on my right foot. But at least for the first time in a while I was able to actually work out today. Didn't feel great, but at least I did it.

I realized with A at the end of the day I'm really not a priority. In the moment when she doesn't want to lose me, she will say all these things that make me feel like I am a priority and that she will change, but it just won't happen at least in the short term. I guess the reason why I feel like I can say this, is because I know what I would do in her situation and I see the stark contrast between what I think is reasonable and what she is doing. I've been on the hook with promises of change and actions that she can do to show me that I can trust her and feel comfortable with her, and then I just sit there waiting for something that'll never come. It does feel like I'm on the string, with this whole time me telling myself that I'm in control about what I feel comfortable with and making sure this whole situation is something that is good. But I think I have to kind of come to terms with the fact that sweet nothings are just that, and talk is cheap. I think it does suck to kind of find out that you're being lied to, in the sense of someone isn't actually willing to do the things that they say they will. But writing it down finally I feel like I'm free from that. I think it really hurt the other day because when we finally did it again, she said something that we had talked about earlier that I feel really uncomfortable with. And then she kind of just became really selfish again, and so that's when I was just happy that she's leaving because I didn't really feel comfortable around her. And then I had to drive her to the hospital and stay by her side for an extra four hours. I'm really sad that I lost one of the few days I had with S left. But at the end of the day I guess me and her are kind of just acquaintances which sucks for its own reasons but oh well. Or at least distant friends. I think I feel kind of alone in moments like this, or are at least that's what I'm feeling right now. It feels like a lot of my mental bandwidth is directed towards people that don't really I guess prioritize me in some way. And I hope this doesn't come off as me saying that I need to be some kind of princess treatment or something like that, but rather that I would hope that friends would put in effort to interact with me, and also care about my feelings. Like I know that E does, at least in the way of initiating both conversations and hangouts which I really appreciate. I think this is kind of the problem of being the initiator friend because some people are just really confident with that – but not me. It was more learned because I wanted to have more control over my socialization. But it still sucks because at the end of the day I really want my friends to want to interact with me, and I feel that most when they initiate or try to make plans.

I think arguably as important, I think friendship should be a two-way street. I think it's fucked up one person does shitty things, and then it's expected to just forgive that and keep giving to them. I have a decent amount of friends that aren't really emotionally mature or are kind of shitty at times. But they also make up for it in different ways, whether that's trying to show that in their own ways, or initiating and making me feel valued. At the end of the day it's not like it's equivalent, but I am completely happy with that because to me it feels like someone at least feels bad for when they do bad things. I know some friendships exist where both people are shitty, and it's kind of just a tit for tat situation and since both people dish it, they both just accept it after some time. I feel like that's the kind of relationship that A needs. Like if someone's shitty to her back, or says or does things that are like hurtful from negligence, maybe that's something she would be able to sustain. Because it's kind of clear that she cannot take accountability or make up for her mistakes when she makes them. And it kind of consistently feels like she takes for granted and isn't appreciative of a lot of things. I know that everyone is at different stages and has their own problems, myself included, but I feel like this dynamic really takes a toll on me. I value being kind, generous and empathetic and I don't want to change those values. But at the same time, that ends up making me feel really shitty when those things are kind of taken for granted and never reciprocated, because I think I also want/expect those things in return. I'm not really good at the relationships where you kind of just sweep problems under the rug, and I'm pretty sure that's what she's used to.

I'm kind of happy that depression has the side effect of shitty memory, because I've forgotten a lot of the hurt from her. I think that's a good thing because that means maybe I've processed it, because whenever I think back to it it doesn't really sting (except for the new stuff). But I'm also happy that this whole relationship happened, because to me that's a sign that first of all I can love such an incompatible person. And so I think if I have someone that respects me and can communicate, that means I can absolutely love them in a sustainable way which is nice. That means that I'm not really limited to the people I could have a happy relationship with which is nice. I think also, this makes me feel more confident in my own values as a person. Even when she did things that were toxic and manipulative, I did not do those things in retaliation even when given the pass to. And so I think even when hurt in that way, if I'm not willing to do that back I think I feel pretty confident in my own moral stance then which I'm happy about. Also I'm happy that even with such a one-sided thing and the constant disrespect, the fact that I'm still kind to her makes me proud of myself. A lot of the times I'll think about stooping to her level, and retaliating in similar ways that she does. But then I think about how that would just be something that at the end of the day I would know that I have done and that's not who I want to be. And so I'm kind of happy that I can take it on the chin without faltering. But also I really hope that I don't get pushed too far to the point where I think that future relationships have to go the same. That's the danger of a small sample size. I really don't want to generalize this to other relationships, but I think that that's a pretty realistic outcome that I have to fight against.

All things considered, I think it's time to listen to the advice from my friends or at least something in that direction. I need to have some self-respect and a backbone. I don't want to keep setting the precedent that I am someone that can handle being treated shitty, and then being put on the back burner. It's the same problem as being the child that doesn't have the loud tantrum, because no matter how bad I was hurting my parents would put their resources into my sister because of her outbursts. I need to remember that that was what I learned, and so I need to actively work away from that and that means advocating for myself.

Chin up man.

So last night after I posted I was called by a crying A. I drove her to the hospital, and stayed with her until 5:30 AM. The whole time I was distracting her and helping her, and when they finally discharged her and it was time to go, she made a joke about how it was my fault. It was not my fault, it was a ruptured ovarian cyst. She apologized saying it was a joke, but it really feels like shit to go through all of that to help her, when she could have asked another friend or one of her housemates. And then I had to cancel my other plans today because I got home at 6 AM. I was planning and ready to sleep early tonight so I was able to finally hang out with S, and instead there goes that because I’m the one that A trusts and feels comfortable asking for support from. And so I lose out on one of my last few days with S, and my other plans. I get it that emergencies happen. But I wish that she actually appreciated how much I did for her and what I had to give up. Driving her to the hospital was already one thing, but staying with her in the shitty folding chair for 5 hours by her side, while distracting her and calming her down is a whole extra layer. She even told the doctor that I was her boyfriend. It’s upsetting to me that she gets a boyfriend, and I get an ex who keeps hurting me from being selfish, and refuses to take any accountability for it. I can’t even look at her anymore I feel like.

I just realize how little changes. I still remember the bad things, and I also remember how A’s response was “we should stop arguing and bringing up past hurt”. I think I’ve hit the point of giving up finally for a bit now honestly. I don’t really respect them enough to go out of my way and put myself in harm’s way to try to have a proper conversation with them about anything that would be beneficial to talk about. The 5:1 rule has been long violated, and so at this point I’ve kinda emotionally detached myself so far that I wouldn’t even really consider them anything past a casual friend. I feel like there’s so much positive feedback today I just got, but I can’t help but focus on the parts that I’ve explicitly warned against, or the things that were never addressed. If nothing else, I feel like it’s just a good petri-dish to stir that resentment and frustration, just to make me want to go to the gym that much more lol.

After A left, I suddenly was able to play the solo to Maple Syrup so much better. I played night shift, plastic trees, and finally just kept playing the solo to maple syrup. There are so many other people and friends where I feel fulfilled and safe with, and I come back feeling happier. A was that at one point, but the constant shit dished out that I’ve had to just sit with has continued to poison that to the point of seemingly no repair. If nothing else I’ve learned how little I really want them at this point, and so they’re just a time-filler. It’s sad that someone I used to love so much has become this, but what can I do when they do horrible things and then continually lie to me about them. There’s only so many chances I can give them before I have to accept who they seem to be.

It’s strange how I can’t really think of what I did today with my day. I know what I did, but also looking back on it, I don’t really feel like I went through it. It’s like more the knowledge that the day happened and what I did, along with memories of what I experienced, but not really feelings tied to it I guess. It’s a weird little bitter aftertaste. Oh well.

We went and saw another movie today as our trio. I really enjoy it and they do too, and I kind of wish we did this earlier instead of in the last month we have together. Afterwards me and L and drove around and we talked for like 2 hours, we even went to the abandoned school and he freaked me out which was pretty funny. We looked at the stars and saw the big Dipper for the first time in my life. This level of connection only happened because of how little opportunities we have left. It's kind of funny how you appreciate it the most when you're about to lose it.