I’m terribly stressed about a lot of things in life right now. A big source of it however is dealing with job applications since I needed to be applying several months ago. I just barely even updated part of my resume today, which by itself was a task I had been putting off for ages. I’m afraid that my negligence and fear of something I can’t even really see has already and will continue to fuck me over in life, in a very heavy way. I know I can’t tell in retrospect, but I’m afraid of losing out on a FAANG/MANGA job because I just didn’t apply a few months earlier. I know the nova effect is still a thing, and I’ll be ok, but I’m afraid of my own negligence I guess.
Today was a pretty bad day, but things are much better now. I got some food in me finally, and right now A is falling asleep to my right while hugging me. What a strange thing life is.
I caved and to get it done, I cheated and looked at how people solved this day on Reddit. Even with everyone’s approaches and insights, I’m stumbling over myself trying to implement this but finally did part one! While super tired I still sat here and stayed up for an extra 3 hours by mistake trying to implement and solve it, and now it’s 3:24 AM. I’m just hoping I can get enough rest for tomorrow in time.
It's on me for too much and not listening to my battery but somewhere along the way I've lost taking care of my own limits. I'm exhausted and I want to be alone. They said they didn't like reading into songs for their meanings but for me I do. It's easier to play a song on loop rather than life giving you a break. I guess it's almost like a pseudo support. Someone else can express the emotions I can't. For someone who prides themselves on emotional awareness, I really fucking suck at speaking up for myself.
“Jesus Christ please, can't you treat me nicely?” -ok, cleopatrick
If I’m being honest, a relationship has been scary. I think there are a lot of ugly things about myself that come to light and I’m forced to confront them, especially things about perception or mannerisms, etc. Having a relationship makes me have to face those realities and deal with the potential rejection of putting that out there, and hoping that someone else can accept and still love that. I’m glad A does, this feels like one of those relationships that makes getting hurt and all the instability or fear of dating worth it.
I finished grinding ranked this season, and I played jungle and support. I ended with a 100% winrate on Lulu and Janna, and an average KDA of 44 on Janna. Pretty proud of that lol. Next season I am going to grind ranked to try to hit masters, so I can both get my masters degree and masters rank the same year lol.
S – During the trip S showed how volatile the friendship was and how he was willing to end it over something small rather than try to resolve it.
T – This shows how little I mean to him and ultimately means that he could leave my life at any moment over a miscommunication. This means I need to always walk on eggshells and try to predict all these situations or mind-read him so it does not explode. This isn’t reasonable, and so it’s essentially over.
F – I’m afraid of instability and losing my BFF, who I consider my lifelong friend.
B – I sack the friendship now to avoid it all.
T – There was a lot of stress on the trip as this was an 11 day thing, and of course this was everyone at essentially their worse. But regardless, this is something that’s consistent with what I know of him, but this doesn’t mean we can’t be friends. I just need to understand that I cannot rely on him in that sense, but absolutely can just randomly text, play games, or send stuff with. I should also look into more friend group options for hobbies I enjoy doing.
F – I still feel shitty, but at least it’s like a non-nuclear option. I think this is the healthier approach, of keeping things at an arms distance to avoid the issues. Not everyone has to be super entwined with my life in that sense, and he can still be a fun friend to interact with.
B – We still stay friends the way we have been, but I also look for other people to become close with for my own needs.
A called me today at new years when it was her timezone, and as much as video calls stress me out, I’m left feeling almost warm and fuzzy inside because of it. Another filler just obligation post since I’ve been playing league like a degenerate for the season end the last few days, but yeah I guess I just wanted to say I’m very thankful I met her.