I’m a little bit in my head today. E felt bad after freaky time because she didn’t understand how to push my buttons the same way I could for her. We talked about it, but a little seed was planted in my head that seems to have a bit of root to it. I realized I felt like I hear judgment whenever I open up or talk about my weirder side of stuff. It sucks because whenever she has weird stuff, I consciously make sure she doesn’t feel judged or weird for it, and I am excited to help her indulge in it. But for me, whenever I talk about stuff, it feels like she has to think about if she is even ok with the thought of it, and it feels like it’s a concession she has to make, rather than something she’s excited to explore with me. And that feeling sucks. I’d like to feel comfortable being myself, and not like I have to repress parts of me because I’m afraid of seeing her judgment. In a perfect world, I’d love it if she were excited to try things out with me. It’s a bit conflicted in my mind because she both says that she wishes she knew how to push my buttons more, but when I tell her, I’m met with the human equivalent of :/ it feels like. I don’t know what to do about this either, because what can I do? Do I just have to tell her to blindly feign interest? If she’s not enthusiastically consenting to it, then what can I do?
I’m not used to this around others. I’m afraid she doesn’t like me the way I like her and that’s so false. She got me a boo box, and it made me almost cry. Actually who am I kidding I fully was sobbing. I know she loves me. Be more secure man.
We played some games of league, and the first two games I was adc and she was support. Both games I made a lot more mistakes than normal, but I still played really well but we still lost. She messaged a friend saying how we were getting shit on, and it felt almost a bit personal where I needed to stomp to show that I was good. But I get that that’s an irrational thought, since she’s not concerned about that. But so the next game I go and do 10cs per minute, a kill a minute, and hard stomp the game as Irelia. Perfect 10 on OP.GG. But she’s playing jungle, and she’s in her head thinking she’s playing poorly. She makes some mechanical mistakes and takes it seriously. I just thought about how the feeling goes from her to me or vice versa.
Today was a pretty fucking shit day I’ll be honest. My car got broken into, they stole my backpack with my stuff, I got scammed out of a ticket to a concert for E, and my phone service transfer decided to fuck me so during the aftermath I couldn’t call or text my dad. And my phone died. I’m tired.
I’m in San Jose for a brief work trip and I asked E for recommendations. Some of the places she mentioned were above $100 per person, and I realized that I got a feeling of inadequacy, Exemplified by the fact that I don’t even have formal clothing to wear to a nice place. But I also am close enough with her and I can trust her enough to directly tell her about how I was feeling these ways to get that reassurance and she confirmed that it’s known an issue to her, and then I realized it’s just me being mean to myself on her behalf and it’s kind of stupid in that way
I’ve definitely noticed I haven’t been writing much as of late, and that’s because I’ve been consistently sleeping super duper late because of how much I’ve been talking or spending time with E. I’m so incredibly lucky to have her for so many different reasons.
She can understand it, we just talked about it and she got it. I told her I haven’t felt like she wanted me physically, and her answer was she doesn’t want it, she does it for me. That guts me.
Kinda funny how that’s inherently ironic. I’m feeling bad again and I think I’m putting too much expectation on Emma. This is one of those things I need to be brave about and accept, because running from it would only confirm its existence. But I also wonder what it could look like to feel hot. Or wanted. Like someone wanted to put their hands on me. Or saw me, past just promises of it. I keep having this hope but I’m afraid that it’s a repeat of a big promise and a let down. Then the hope rides onto the next promise.
She said she wanted something and so I looked into it and ordered it immediately for her. She wouldn’t do the same for me or close to it, and maybe that’s a good thing. But I realize how it hurts feeling one sided like this. Part of me falls for this idea that if I do enough then I’ll receive more. But that’s also not really true is it? People aren’t aware of other people and I’m the same so it’s not something I can fault. So I guess I’m just sad at the universe, circumstance, myself, or whatever other target you prefer to choose. I’m breathing out sighs of relief at the bare minimum sometimes. And then I’m stressing about meeting her bar. And I’m not listening to her either there. I set myself up for these traps and then I blame others for not noticing and saving me. Who do I have to blame but myself?
I don’t like feeling this way, I feel like I’m expecting too much but also like I’m doing too much for what I’m getting back. And I know this is something I’ve talked about with my therapist, because I’m very aware emotionally I think I’m very good nvm she’s here