An Open Letter

And it went better than I could have ever dreamed. She’s so amazing in so many different ways. I’m so damn lucky.

We had a super cute date with a four hour pit stop at the hospital for an emergency visit. Then we went to a bakery for a snack.

I really love her.

Wow. How nice that must be. I honestly wanna lash out at that, and I know it’s because I’m just hurting right now and not feeling good for various different reasons. But if I pull off that trenchcoat I see it’s just envy. It’d be nice to be able to get gifts and feel so entitled to ask for them. We talked about Christmas a bit ago and I said I hope my future kids celebrate Christmas and take it for granted, and that’s such a beautiful thing. I guess it’s the same way I fully take for granted what financial stability is like. My dad worked so fucking hard coming with nothing to be in a position where I am always safe and supported financially. Yeah I didn’t get Christmas presents. Well I did a few times, and the times I did I still was so excited and cherished them. Should I be upset that I don’t get to ask for a new mouse or headset? My dad paid for my therapy out of network for years without even mentioning it. A thousand dollars a month. Don’t get me wrong, I feel a bit sad hearing about Christmas, but I have plenty to be so thankful for.

I slept for like 3 hours 50 minutes. I’m crashing hard, and honestly I just want to sleep now.

We talked

I talked a little bit with E just now. I thought it’d be a good idea to be explicit about our agreement on an open phone policy, since we’ve talked a lot about it in non-explicit terms. When I asked just to make sure we were on the same page, she got weird and said that she had nothing to hide, but she didn’t like the idea of that suddenly. She got really quiet and took a while to respond to anything. She said she thinks she needs time to think.

That came like a punch to the gut, since I thought she understood how what she did (now twice) is a very big breach of trust. I thought she realized how she fucked up, and we’ve talked about it several times, and she spoke about how much she wants to repair that trust. I was afraid that she would say that in the moment, and then later, once she forgets about the guilt and all, she would rescind her effort.

I took a tangent there to read up on some posts about “open phone policy after a breach of trust”, and I found enough stuff to at least give me different perspectives. I think the general concensus is it’s not a good thing, but with the caveat of after affairs or similar events. And even then, it’s a temporary thing, and it isn’t just a blanket freedom to do that, but rather something communicated about “hey, I’m feeling insecure about this, can I look through your phone?”. I get the concerns about invasion of privacy, and there are, of course, a lot of things I wouldn’t want to go through to respect E’s privacy. But to me, I want to be able not to be constantly thinking about if a message she gets is another skeleton in the closet she refuses to mention to me. Or if she’s hiding something bad again, something that, to me, would be very clear as a terrible thing to do, but because of her issues/immaturity at times, would be a reality for her. I think the things with J, and hiding messages from S, P, and the information about her exes that she withheld from me, really broke my trust and hurt me. Honestly, a part of me is scared that E is somehow going to read this, even though she’s said that she wouldn’t try to find this or read it. I’m scared because it feels like there is so much uncertainty around her sometimes, and it’s terrifying because I want it to be good. But it feels like it’s not been good a significant amount of the time. I wish she could see things from my perspective and understand what it feels like. But also, I guess it’s only fair that I also wish I could understand things from hers.

She keeps talking about how afraid she is of breaking up, and I tell her that I really don’t want to break up. But I guess it’d be a bit callous if I didn’t consider the idea of it now, in response to what feels like a potential hammer drop. I’m not sure how I’d feel if she shows me that she isn’t really willing to try to build my trust in her after breaking it. I’m honestly horribly anxious now because I’m thinking about her potentially spiraling, and then going and talking to another ex or some guy that’s interested in her. I think it’s a bit funny, since the thing I’m most afraid of is not the actual act, but rather the consistent breaching of trust. I REALLY want to send a text as a reminder that if she spirals and texts one of those people we talked about was off limits, that would be, for lack of a better word, not good.

I sent a message asking if I could ask a question for my anxiety’s sake, and I just want to ask if she is spiraling. I hope the answer is no, and then I can call it there. I guess I should think about the options. If she says no to that question, I’m going to feel like my mind is racing several hundred miles per hour. If she says yes — oh, she’s typing. She said, “ya go ahead” and I asked if she’s spiraling, and she’s been typing for what feels like a minute now. She said she’s heavily anxious.

I know that she has her own feelings, and those are fully valid. I know that she isn’t exactly the smartest when it comes to emotional situations like this one, and this is one of the places where I have an advantage. Those feelings can exist in conjunction with my own, with me feeling like I cannot necessarily trust her due to past actions. The things she did by hiding information regarding exes and her communication with them are not a good thing, and it is valid that I am hurt by it. It is also valid that I am not fully trusting her due to the lack of communication and having to find things out.

That all being said, I am actively choosing to hold space for building trust.

Highway hypnosis has really gotten me. I’m on the verge of passing out right now. I keep finding myself doing these small little act of sweet things for E. We got a funnel cake and I kept finding the pieces without the whipped cream (which hurts her stomach), and I would put them on her side of the plate so that she could take them. It’s weird because normally I’m pretty forgetful but I kept thinking about her condition and what would be best for her on the rides. We’ve got to a point where we spend more than half of the week together, and part of me feels like that’s unsustainable, and another part of me wants to move in so that we can spend every night together.

We’re going tomorrow and finally sleeping around midnight for once. Even at the lows I wanna be with her.

There’s no power outage, it’s just weirdly nostalgic. Love her.