An Open Letter

The last time I interacted with my sister was over 4 months ago where she said congrats on your job, and I said “thanks” over text. Today was already a fucking really shit day. And then I came home and I was looking forward to spending time with friends and it was even worse. I kind of just got left by everyone except for J, I even bought T and L the game to play with us. And I just kind of got ignored, and then when I would die they would cheer and say that they were happy. I even told them I was having a really rough day and I was struggling. R texted me during it and said people want to be around me and that I can easily be loved. And that broke me. I just turned off my audio, muted my microphone and I just tried to distract myself so I wouldn't cry. No one fucking missed me, and the only time they acknowledged me was when they tried to push my character off so that I would die again and not be able to play for another 10 minutes or whatever. I died again and C said “good” and I just left. No one really seemed to care other than J. He called me and convinced me to play some more just with him. And then we played some Fall guys and we just talked. And I fell like someone cared if I was still here.

I have never been more surrounded by people, but also so alone. Today already broke me pretty hard, and then just now right before going to sleep I get a text from my sister. And then she asks me on a serious note if I don't like her reaching out. I'm already doing my best to hold on and not break down, and now I either have to lie to protect the peace again like I always fucking have to do, or I have to fucking deal with this full severance of this bridge now. And all of this on the day where I blocked someone for the first time, A. I blocked her number, and I blocked her on Instagram. And I hurt myself in the process by trying to be kind to her and instead again my trust gets broken.

And so I told my sister that I don't feel good when she reaches out. I told her that I've spent my entire life being both her and my mom’s punching bag, and that no one has stood up for me in our family. And so I don't want to take that anymore. No response.

The last time we did something as a family was in college when we went to Australia. In one of the hotels my sister didn't bring a charger and so she tried to take the one that I brought and I told her no because I brought it for me and I needed it, and so she threw the heavy charger at my head and I barely dodged it. I went to my parents and begged them to do something, to tell her not to do that at the least, and my mom started screaming at me saying how she should hang herself because she was overwhelmed. I begged my dad and he told me there was nothing he could do. I left my phone and everything and just walked out in the middle of a random country. I kept walking until I found the road and I planned to lay down in the dark until a car came and it hit me. I ended up sitting on a bench farther away and just broke down crying. I don't know how much time passed before my dad found me. I still feel guilty because it's not his job either to have to play peacekeeper for the family, but he was the only one that would possibly do it when I'm gone. And so he just sat with me and he didn't know what to say. He told me how he can't stop my sister and how she rules the family. And he just begged me to come back and eventually I did.

Part of me wishes I did follow through there. It scares me how I'm thinking about suicide again, and how it doesn't scare me. Normally I catch myself when I start to ideate. But I really want that comfort now of thinking about it. I could give Hash to my dad because I'm near him now, and then not let go of the accelerator. As long as I'm the only one that dies I don't mind, as long as Hash is taken care of. I wonder if he would even know I was never coming back. I don't think he would wait for me, and that thought made me breakout sobbing again.

I think whenever someone commits suicide it affects everyone around them and that sticks with them. But it's in a selfish way. I think people think about how that person must have been suffering, and how horrible of a thing that is. If there closer to that person they might think about how they get to interact with them again, or how they last interacted. And I think that's where it stops for me. I think the only person that would really miss me is my dad. I think he's the only one who would want me back. And it hurts me because he doesn't even know me. All I know is that he loves me unconditionally because I'm his son.

I keep thinking about that one line from that poem: I just want to enter a room and not slip through the cracks. J asked me if I was a nihilist, and I said I was. I truly don't think I have changed anything or I will. I've gone so many weeks and so many months without anyone taking time to look at me. I guess I'm just nothing of substance, the way that I've just fallen through all the cracks throughout life. Maybe I believe that other people matter, but I don't think I do. I know that I exist, and that I get to experience things. But I also think that nothing would really change if I was gone. I think the biggest impact I could have is killing myself, and the trauma and waves that that makes. But I think even then I would be forgotten fairly quickly. It's not like I'm a big part of anyone's life. I sometimes think about if something happened to me in my apartment, it might take weeks for anyone to notice. The only person that would eventually notice would be my dad. Maybe after a week he would send a text pinging me, and then he might come if I don't respond. And maybe a neighbor would smell something. But outside of that I don't think anyone would know. Do you know how terrifying of a thought that is? Not dying like that, but the belief that you could and that would all that's coming.

I was thinking today when driving home from work how I want to be strong for the younger me. Instead of a lighter load, wish for broader shoulders. I think about how no one knew I was in the hospital when I tried to kill myself my freshman year. No parents, no friends. I want to be strong for that me. No one should be alone there. But no one's coming, no one noticed and no one knew until the insurance billed my parents. That really reinforces in you how little you matter to the world around you. And how easily and quietly you can fall through the cracks.

I've begged and given everything I can to not be this way. But I'm not a strong person. Today was too much and it was nothing at all. But this was enough to push me to want to die again after all these years of being clean. My life is in such a good spot right now. And still here I am, fantasizing about killing myself again. All I can think about is how I want to say that I'm pathetic. How I just want to put myself down. And I know that that's not me thinking that along with the rest of these thoughts I hope. But fuck it sounds like me. And so it's really hard to know.

I finally blocked A today. This is the first time I've blocked someone like this. I did this in therapy, and before doing it I talked with my therapist about how I could take the selfish route. If I just block her, she's in the dark and when she finds out it's devastating. Or I could put myself at risk and tell her I'm blocking her and risk finding out I could be blocked without knowing, and then that pain is on me. I chose what I always do which is to protect them and I saw I was blocked. She has promised and swore on everything to her several times that she wouldn't block me again. How many times can I be the fool for trusting.

And so now my hands are covered in blood, but it's not hers. The only guilt I have is to myself. When will I protect myself, no one is going to choose me over them so who is left to care for me if I don't? How many times can I hurt myself trying to be good. To trust is to be vulnerable and I feel like at some point I need to care for myself.

I try to remind myself that I am strong, and choosing to take on burden on others behalf makes me stronger. But I don't know why I do. I think I'm stupid. And so now this weight is mine to add to the pile.

I bought the latest iPhone today because I got my employee discount. It weirdly stresses me out, having to set it up and get used to all the change. I also had both a really good day today, and then kind of a crash at night here. I feel socially pretty content right now, I have four relatively active friend groups and several different individual people that I interact with frequently and that I trust. I also got plenty of exercise and ate food today. Everything is good, but I just feel bad.

I watched a video that I hadn't watched yet with my ex, and it didn't hurt me as much as I thought it would. So I guess that's a good sign, but I still do feel I guess somewhat alone? It feels weird to say that because it doesn't feel right if you know what I mean. So I guess maybe that's not really what I'm feeling. And then I'm not really sure what I'm feeling, all I know is I just feel bad and I can't really pinpoint what's the cause of that. Like part of me wants to cry and have a hug, but I don't even know what I would cry about. And it doesn't feel like I'm missing anything and so I'm really confused. Maybe I'm just overwhelmed, in a very passive way, where I both feel equipped to deal with the things in my life but also it's taking its toll on me. I guess 2 weeks of no therapy would also do that to me.

I’m going to wake up by 7:30, I hope, because tomorrow is my first day working at my new job AHHHHH! I just played some games with J and A for a bit, and had a good time. I also got to work out for the first time in forever which was SUPER nice, I was feeling myself, and I even got some of my favorite photos so far of my progress. I do get a little bit sad because I don’t really have a place I can share my photos which sucks. I guess it doesn’t really suck, but part of me feels sad that there’s something I’m like super duper proud of and I wanna share it and I don’t really have those avenues for validation I guess. I think a lot of that comes back into how I never got validation growing up, mostly because I wasn’t attractive lol. It’s strange now that I think I am, since I don’t really get that feedback explicitly from friends and such because I think it’s more expected since they only know me recently. But for me it’s a fully new thing and so I do wish that I got some of those words of affirmation more often. It feels vain to say that, but that’s why I’m writing it here instead of telling them. It’s understandable, it’s like if you knew someone and for the entire duration you knew them they had an apartment to themselves – but you don’t know that less than year ago of meeting them they were living in a super shitty situation and that apartment was a massive feat for them. You’d never think to mention it or share that joy, since you don’t know how it was before. So I get it, and it’s not at all like I could blame or feel upset at them for this – but also I grew up with all the feedback that I was ugly and untouchable, and since I never really got the new feedback where that’s not the case, that kinda feels like all the evidence in my mind.

I guess I just want to know that I can be wanted again. I know that worth should be something that I can dictate for myself, not because that is what is correct, but rather because that is all I can do to preserve my own self-image. But I feel my value is inherently set by others. It doesn’t directly matter what I think of myself if no one sees me the same. And so I feel bad. I think I’ve had enough feedback now from others that I feel like I am desired, and wanted, but I still cannot really undo all the grooves in my mind reinforcing how I am “not enough” for lack of a better word. It’s weird, I’m struggling to put it into words. It’s just this constant hunger for acceptance, I guess – like I’m constantly trying to change something and convince others that I am worth investing in, and that I shouldn’t just slip through the cracks. I am something worth holding and nourishing, and it’s my job to convince them of that. I feel like it’s my obligation to notarize the lens I’m writing this through; this problem is just a poor mask on the childhood attachment I had with my parents. I would be told I’m untouchable and that no one would want to interact with me, and then I would be neglected for months at a time. All for things that I can fairly confidently say were not my fault. When my dad was away on trips, if he texted my mom not enough she would then ignore me and my sister for months. And I would never know what happened, just suddenly I was alone in the house and she wouldn’t look at me or acknowledge that we were alive. And so when I grow up like that, what other choice do I have but to feel like I need to desperately convince my mom that I am worth loving? If I feel like it is something that I can do and that I have the agency over, then at least I have control (even though that was not the case). If I accept the fact that I am powerless to change it, and I am just a kid being caught in the crossfire of my mom’s issues, then I am truly powerless. I have nothing I can do, and I am doomed. And that’s a horrifying thought. Hope is such a comforting thing, because the alternative is that things will not change. And so that’s what I learned – and what I carry with me today. I refuse to believe that I cannot change things, and that’s why I’ve pushed myself so hard to try to take the reigns on life. I just hope that it works out for me. I want to be loved, I want to have a life that I worked so damn hard for. I’ve given everything I can, I’ve tried so hard – I just pray it was worth it and I’m happy I didn’t kill myself.

I again stayed up passed when I should and now I'm exhausted. I start work on Monday and I need to wake up at 7:30 first day, and I'm starting to get nervous about how it's going to go. I hope everything works out.

I was just sitting down on the couch or I have 8:00 p.m. And I started feeling sleepy and so I said fuck it I'll take a 30 minute nap, and I woke up 4 hours later. It's now 11:40 and I'm going to just try to go to bed hopefully to catch up on some of that sleep debt.

I’m pretty sleep deprived still so not fully sure what I expect to do with this post, but for some reason I just feel like writing a bit more than one filler sentence. I find myself sometimes still wandering back towards thinking about A, and the stuff that she put me through. Especially afterwards, the gaslighting and the rest of the stuff. I don’t think I deserved it, but I’m thankful that the waves have become more and more spaced, and less devastating when they hit. They’re now just a punch instead of threats of pulling me to the depths. During the cruise, I feel like I got more experience firsthand on how I can actually be someone that people want, both as a friend and as a partner. And also more importantly, I can achieve this by being myself. I can fully “punt” situations, and then way more than I’d think people would go “yeah that was pretty fun!”. I think going forward, I can be the version of myself where I feel comfortable and like I’m actually in my own skin, and still make friends, and meet people – all without having to worry about them really liking me or accidentally acting wrong. I can just be myself. I want to behave that way going forward in my new life, and I hope that I surround myself with a community of friends I love and hopefully meet someone similar!

This is meant to be yesterday's post, I got back to my room around 5:30 AM and my phone died and so I am putting this down here I guess. A whole lot to write about, and a whole lot to unpack but right now I am beyond exhausted. I guess been short feels like this has been a very nice reminder on how quickly I can start a new life, surrounding myself with friends, both new and old, and new partners.

While writing my gratitude list I realized how I was happy today about how S, B, N, and K were all proactively interacting with me. I found it surprisingly counterintuitive because I wasn't really trying to super get them to like me, and I've been pretty deranged. I'm happy to include people of course, but a lot of the time I'm happily lobbing grenades into conversations to make myself and A laugh, and actively punting opportunities (as far as I can tell) for that reason. I've been having an absolute BLAST with A, and it feels like others seeing me being so comfortable in my own skin and having so much fun makes them want to interact with me. It's somewhat adjacent to playing hard to get, but this is me just not playing any game. I'm fully surrounding myself with people who respect me and enrich my life, and then I prioritize my happiness. And then people want to join that, which is of course fine by me. Just strange how it works, and I wanted to notarize that I guess.

Ok so ngl the girl was crazy disrespectful wasting my time, she asked me several times to come to morning yoga and then didn't show up after making me and A wake up at 7:30 AM. She slept through it, and so during the entire island day I kept getting stopped and I would say that she ghosted me when people asked how the date went and if I'm from the comedy show. She again kinda bailed today, and I can NOT be asked to ignore that many red flags along with the rest of her behaviors I'm not writing down here. I absolutely know my worth and she is not someone worth chasing down, so it's now content hooray! Also my tiktok has like 14k likes which is INSANE, I can sit there refreshing and more likes come in. What a crazy time.