An Open Letter

This time I stayed up to finish the 3 days of questions I’d fallen behind on. I’m slowly relearning C++, but holy shit I have forgotten so much. I need to grade finals tomorrow, and I’m a bit worried because turns out I need to pick up S from San Diego, not LAX. Because of that I now need to leave at 9 in the morning, and that was supposed to be the morning I could spend with A, so we will have to sadly cut that short. I’m a bit stressed with everything if I’m being honest.

I bought Balatro today, and started watching prison break while playing. I looked at the clock and it’s almost 9 hours later. Jesus christ the rumors were true this game is crack.

I hear their voice and hearing them talk to people reminds me of how they talk to me. My first gut reaction is being upset, which I think is irrational and weird, hence why I'm writing this right now to try to peel that away. Might as well cut to the chase here.

Situation: I hear friend at their job speaking to others and hitting it off with co-workers, who are also friends to them.

Thoughts: I feel the scarcity of love, and it feels like it's a statement of me being replaced or not good enough to be a friend.

Feelings: I feel a strong tightness in my chest, and it's threatening to just bottle all of this feeling down until I don't want to go past here anymore.

Behavior: I fight a battle that doesn't exist and I just hurt myself.

Thoughts: For example A, I barely talk with him anymore but if I was able to get a job with him I'd be so fucking happy. Or if I had a weekly thing with him that'd be amazing. But I don't, and that doesn't have anything to do with him – I still love him. I'd rather make the most of the proximity that arises rather than be bitter and misinterpret the absences of it. Holy bar.

Feelings: I still feel a residual pain, but that's to be expected since this is a horribly longstanding scar that scarcity of love well attributes. I feel like I've taken off the weights I've placed on myself and covered up.

Behavior: I enjoy the time I have, and I fight circumstances to get closer to a healthy attachment style.

That actually helped a lot, thank you CBT. I texted A and purposefully just didn't text about anything in particular, just to talk. V has reminded me you can just is that. All right time to distract myself and reset before breakfast!

I don’t know, I just feel down today. I’m upset and I don’t know at what and so I just point it at myself. I wanted to go to the gym or do some running today but it just didn’t work with my schedule, and when I finally went to go around 9 PM the gym was closed. I ended up squeezing through the fence to get to the track nearby, and instead I just sprinted a lap around the track. Afterwards, I just spent a while sitting on the bench trying to breathe, and I felt a bit better. Or at least I had some energy for once. I’m trying not to analyze this too much because I think I’m just depressed today, but damn. I can’t help but think about that one youtube title “I felt sad so I thought about it and felt sad and so I thought about it and I felt sad and” or something along those lines. I’m trying to just get to the next day when hopefully I feel better.

I know someone said anger is grief in a trenchcoat, but I wonder what fear is. I want to say it's fear of sadness but that's just fear. Is fear the bottom rung on the ladder

I notice most when I have energy (mostly because of stimulants, whether caffeine or my prescribed Adderall) I keep thinking of things that make me laugh. When they’re funny enough I sometimes text or call friends if it involves them. Today at the gym I had the idea to custom embroider this one somewhat unflattering picture of a friend on a shirt for when we pick him up from the airport to go to Japan, and another friend said it’d be hilarious to make multiple for us to all wear to surprise him. Even better would be changing into them on the plane itself. I was giggling so hard at the gym with the thought of the custom shirts, and so I plan to make them tomorrow. I enjoy making myself laugh as much as I do, and also just I guess enjoying finding things funny. At the gym when the endorphins are hitting me sometimes with tiktok things I see make me laugh so fucking hard, and I just really enjoy that I guess.

So turns out A went and read back a decent backlog of posts after I told her about this, and my only real complaint is how I’ve been very lazy with the posts recently. To be fair I’ve been fairly content which is kinda adversarial towards introspection, but hey we take those. Sadly today is not one of the days I properly write something either, as I’m tired as shit and ready to sleep even more.

Dear lord I’ve trashed my sleep schedule, It’s already late and I told myself I was going to sleep early but instead I got stun locked by some Instagram reels for a bit. Tomorrow morning I’m going on a run with M, and this is the first time I’m going to be running with someone ever! Hopefully it goes well, going on a morning run may be a nice way to start the day. Oh yeah, I’m done with my work for this quarter basically! Hooray! Japan soon.

The project is tomorrow and I really hope T finally does his part or at least BS’es enough for the presentation to go well. A finally came back today and we got food and then decided to have an impromptu sleepover! I told her about this blog which was the only thing I really had reservations about, and so if you see this hi A! Either way it’s super late and shes brushing right now so let me get ready for bed. Hopefully tomorrow (today) goes well.

I finished watching Arcane today, and I think it portrayed grief incredibly well. Specifically all of the scenes where people were temporarily reunited with a loved one that they thought was gone forever. I don’t know if it’s better to have that wound be closed up for a little bit just to freshly open, or if it’s better to just stay opened.