An Open Letter

I socialized so hard today (lol) and at the end I just kinda Irish goodbye’d since I was pooped, and while going back I guess the good part is I finally liked Fake Moon by Cleopatrick. It’s just a numbers game, and I’m playing.

I finally got to face jealousy, and as I expected things didn't just work out super nicely like I told myself they can. It's still a pretty ugly thing. I think it's somewhat the feeling of not being enough and potentially being replaced that's hard. I think it's also the feeling of someone else moving on and replacing you, while you can't really do the same as easily. I think I'm still in control, but it's a little bit of a wake up call, and learning that I need to respect it.

I’ve been getting into basketball recently, and it’s been fun to try out new moves and to learn more about it. I even started to watch NBA games and it’s pretty fun, and it’s a nice way to kinda de-dopamine my brain since it’s much slower paced, and long form content. Not really sure what else to write today to be honest.

In just a little bit more, I’m going to graduate and move into an apartment in SD. Then I stay there for an indeterminate amount of time, and that’s when my life starts almost. I’m nervous but excited.

This is practice if nothing else for speaking up for myself. Something my got on my nerves, and they continue to push it. Body language and responses aren't enough, and so good on me for being explicit and saying I wanted some space right now.

It kind of pisses me off that I just have to take this, because if I retaliate and ruin their night the way they ruined mine, it would just be a messy situation overall. And so now I guess I have to act like I'm less pissed off than I am.

183k has turned into some weird fucked up mantra for me. I think I'm pretty thankful that I have something worth hiding or at least being insecure about for sharing. But it then turns into a quiet rage that builds up into pride. I thought about how the only people that can be happy for you are above you, or not in the same race. I think that's true. Or at least to a decent amount. I think that's probably why I feel so comfortable being a beginner or bad at something, because then you don't have to worry about everything else that comes with being the victim of envy.

It could be this simple. It could just be that simple.

Today, my wrist was feeling a lot better, but I still took a rest. I spent a lot of time with friends after finishing the tasks I had to do, and afterwards I stayed up just watching YouTube videos because I kept laughing so hard. It’s moments like this that make me realize that being happy could be this simple.

I didn’t go to martial arts today. I won’t go to gymnastics tomorrow, or meet with my friends to play music, or go to the gym to exercise. All of these things are to let my wrist heal so I can go back to doing them soon, but I don’t like what may happen. I don’t want to be depressed. I’m sleeping super late, just staying up watching youtube.

Title’s a lyric from a surf curse song I’m learning. I sprained my wrist, pulled my neck and got a burn on my left leg. I’m mostly sad about the wrist, hurts to do anything really. Too much I want to say but can’t type without pain.

He was such a good boy today. Nothing out of the ordinary, but he is right now cuddled up on the bean bag waiting for me to come back half covered in the blanket. I love him so much.