It was night and I launched my car around the corner into a straightaway and I felt the car slipping and in that moment I kind of felt happy, or I guess free would be a better word. My first thought about why I felt that way was because when I have the option to throw my life away that gives me some semblance of control over the day-to-day strife that upset me. Reading this now I kind of realize that's like a no-no big flag, but I guess I just really liked the feeling of everything kind of going out of my hands for a little bit.
When I was driving back there's a wide body scat that was creeping up and so I launched past them and tried to see if they wanted to race but they kept backing off and I was kind of sad. I just want to fly.
I had to wake up at 8 today and prepare for my section, and from then I was back to back in classes until 3pm where I then had to rush to volunteering where I’m now the only other person other than the main lady for this day. I was already falling asleep before then and then I had to manage 11 middle schoolers and try to get them competition ready in a few weeks, and at one point the main lady completely undermined what I was saying and I just kinda checked out. I’m going to pass out.
Oh my god, I just subjected myself to an impromptu hackathon for 0 reason, and I built a fully working Kahoot website for LaTeX in time for my 9AM section I teach tomorrow. I spent from midnight till now just trying to deploy my flask backend since I already have my frontend setup because of my portfolio I’m working on @ anshumandash.com. Oh my god I’m exhausted, but I’m so fucking proud of myself.
I came back early from my Jiujitsu class since I was sparring with the professor – a 6’3” 240lbs man, and he crushed my windpipe with a choke at one point. After I had tapped out and got back in line to spar with others, I noticed I had blood on my shirt and pants, and turns out my finger + part of my neck was bleeding. Because we didn’t have any bandages I went home since I couldn’t stop the bleeding there, but I ended up getting some silly little pictures with blood on my throat. Realistically it wasn’t that bad, the bleeding on my neck was very little and stopped pretty quick and the pain’s manageable + my finger just needed some liquid bandage and it’ll be fine. I’m weirdly kinda happy about this experience, as it’s one of those things where I get to act all cool and nonchalant and be like “Oh yeah no biggie, just started bleeding out of the neck. I’m not even worried, that’s normal for me.” even though in reality it’s just a small scrape on the neck and regular finger stuff. I just like feeling like I’m not a weak little bitch who is powerless. Things like this kinda fall into that fantasy, similar to how people fantasize about scars.
I went to a powerlifting club event earlier this week, and the other two people there at first were freshmen who were benching 315. I ended up leaving after a little bit since I wasn’t vibing too well, but that along with the advent of social media had me feeling small and weak. But also when I do things like Jiujitsu, I’m considered freakishly strong, and even against people way better than me I’m able to just purely muscle my way out of a lot of things without even meaning to. Against the professor, I was able to hold my ground for a little bit due to my strength, since I was almost able to get him in an Ezekiel choke, but he was able to get out and get control of me. From that point on he was in a winning position, and instead of transitioning to a mount, he kept turning my arms over and putting his weight on my chest or stomach with his knees. He even said “it’s more fun this way” until he eventually flipped me over and pulled my shoulder back until I tapped.
A younger me would have wanted to cry and been upset about how unfair it was and how he was being cruel, but now I kinda feel proud that I was strong or worthy enough for someone so physically bigger than me and more experienced to go out like that. I’m proud of myself and how I’ve grown.
T agreed to fire up fall guys again, and so I put on my burger outfit and proceeded to call myself “the beast” as we proceeded to lose like 15 games in a row. We agreed to play until we won one, and eventually we got one and I growled so hard that I lost my voice for a bit. We kept playing for a while and now we’re playing a few games of league. I love nights like this, it is so much fun to scream at each other and make blatant excuses for losing.
I feel horrible for this, but I just don’t feel the spark with E. I think we’re fairly different people and at the end of the day, she isn’t what I have in mind for what I want in a partner. I think I’m going to wait a little bit so that it’s not immediately after a date, and then look to break the news. I guess another lesson learned.
I went to the powerlifting club meeting today, and it was two other people and they both were freshmen benching 3 plates. I ended up leaving kinda early since I just didn't vibe, but that spurred on some feelings I had forgotten about. I remembered how painfully mediocre I am. That toxic flame reignited, as I just got surrounded by that familiar feeling, and I ended up doing every single leg exercise as a drop set. I just kept repeating to myself “how much do you hate me” and that would spur me on to keep doing another rep. When I stand up, I can't move my legs the same but that pain was bliss. The feeling of muscles being ripped and begging to stop is enough to just block out everything else and all that's left is a feeling of ecstacy. That bliss is the reward that I'm chasing.
I think I realized while under the influence that I have a pretty bad social anxiety, but the good news is I can now finally articulate what my problem is to my therapist in a way that’s actionable!
Unfortunately, it’s a bit later than I thought, so I want to keep this short again. I had another date with E today, and it was a great time! We went to watch the Transformers movie, which was super fun and the theater was mostly empty so we were giggling and making jokes the whole time. This feels foreign but also what I’ve been looking for, someone I consider a friend and that I feel like I can be myself around. I’m excited and anxious at the same time.