An Open Letter

“Because I feel this way because I’ve asked for things several times and each time I got my hopes up, but it ends up falling short and that’s why I am walled up to protect myself. When you ask, it hurts because it feels like it’s both confirmation that me putting hope into asking the other times was stupid because you didn’t do/remember, but it’s also asking me to again reach my hand out to be bitten.“

I started a new workout routine, no longer doing my own but using a PPLUL from the app I use. And holy shit, that leg day beat the fuck out of me. I feel good again. I think I miss that intensity and level of pain, and overcoming that helps so much. Wanting to quit and cut it out but not really helps me a lot.

It’s just a few more days left until E is back. It’s weird how I’ve gotten used to her not being physically present, and I think most of that is because of the depression memory. I wonder what life would look like in two months. Is it possible that she really is the one? Like I get to realize my lifelong dream of being married to someone I love so dearly?

I feel bad for E, because I’ve been pretty badly depressed for the last few days in a row. I just feel bad because she has to deal with that, and especially because I’m forgetting so many good things, and really what it’s like to be happy. She’s putting up with me and being really sweet, and I just can’t fully acknowledge it because of this state I’m in. I hope for both of our sake I get out of it.

I’m exhausted. I would have killed myself if I had a gun in front of me, but that’s honestly such a low bar. Click, and then peace. No more worries, no uncertainty or fear anymore. Is that even that bad of a thing to say?

I’m not going to lie, I kinda hate Christmas. I feel like the grinch, because it’s just this hate because I never get to participate in it and I just have to watch from the outside. I understand that I’m not the only person in this position, as a lot of my friends don’t get to go home for it either, but it’s a weird kind of pain because I do have my family right here, but it’s just not one that I can really celebrate anything with. I know I really don’t have too many things to complain about in the grand scheme of things, but even things like buying a dream house and all that don’t stop this miserable feeling from being alone. I know that E would want to spend this time with me, but I want her to be happy and not have to also be dragged down by this.

I talked with E today, and I was really nervous and afraid to do it. I told her that I had been feeling like my emotional needs had not been met, and that I felt like she needed to take more accountability for past mistakes. I used the analogy of if you stab someone with a 6-inch blade, pulling it out 3 inches doesn’t make you even. Pulling it out 6 inches doesn’t make it even, either. You need to pull the blade out, and then heal the wound for it to be even. She took it very well and responded incredibly well. It did relieve a lot of the mental pressure that I had and a lot of the resentment that had started to build up. I just really hope that somehow she can actually follow up and show that initiative to make amends for past transgressions.

I caught myself in so many ways today, and I wanna start by giving myself credit for that. The latest thing I caught was wanting to ask for reassurance that E would not be going to random men for support now when I take an hour or two of space to regulate. I recognized that there isn’t a logical reason for me to expect that, and it would be an anxious attachment thing that’s unhealthy. In my mind the defense is “if she was to cheat, let her since that would let me know to end things, and I mentally detach myself from her. I then recognize that the thought is just me swinging the needle too far to the other side of being detached. Yes that thought would also keep me safe, but at the cost of genuine connection. Logically the more reasonable thought is recognizing that fear, labeling it as irrational and then giving myself the reassurance I need. I both trust E, and I also know that even in the worst case I will be ok. I am safe.

I talked with my therapist today, and I realized (with her help) that E getting therapy was a sign of her commitment to me. I was hoping to be able to talk to her today about that, but she shut down during the first topic that was much lighter and I didn’t even get to finish it. I fully get that she’s under a lot of stress and pressure right now, but it does suck that I asked her if she had capacity to talk about things, and she said yes and then just fully shut down immediately.

I’m mostly just writing now to be able to vent and regulate myself. I think I suffer from success often, because I set the bar for a lot of things, and unfortunately I have that for comparison. For example, I’m a firm believer that if there’s a will there’s a way. I remember how badly I had to work for so many different things, like growing up unsocialized and isolated, and studying online different emotional topics to try to be normal. Or how I was willing to risk everything to get therapy. Or how badly I’ve had to fight against the condition that has caused one entire path of my family line to kill themselves. I know that there are definitely people out there that had to fight harder, but I sure as hell know there are plenty of people out there that have not fought hard enough. And I know that I’m being unreasonable in this, but when E doesn’t even give what I consider a good effort at therapy, it feels like I’m faced with either thinking that she simply does not care enough to put an effort, or to look down on her and just think that she is not capable the same way that I am. It almost feels like playing tennis doubles with someone, and it being something important. For me I’ve spent 100s of hours practicing tennis growing up, and now I am at a certain level that there is not a chance my partner could keep up with without having nearly as much practice. And then it’s the frustration that comes from being limited by someone else, in a way that I cannot necessarily control. And it feels frustrating, because it’s disproportionate the levels that we’re at. I don’t like thinking like this, because the next thought that comes to my head is that I am doomed to settle for someone who is way less competent than I am, or it is that I need to instead find someone that is more on my level. But both of those things are violently wrong, and I can immediately poke the logical holes in that. First of all, maybe this doubles match doesn’t matter that much. Second of all there’s way more than just this doubles match to a person. And also it’s not like I’m powerless, it’s unfair and way harder, but I can always both carry their share, and also carry the additional burden that comes from that. I can just get better, and that is something I can control. But I guess I kind of wish I didn’t have that as an option in a way. I wish I didn’t have to always be the one ahead.

I absolutely know that there are more than just these criteria, but honestly I kind of fall short when I try to think about more. But if you compare me and E together, I am more emotionally mature, I am I think physically more conventionally attractive, I am financially and career wise much more successful, I think I’m more thoughtful, and while she is absolutely way above average in a lot of those things, I think I beat her. And I fully know that it’s not a competition, and to me my answer whenever she asks me if that feeling affects me, I tell her how it’s not a competition and that I love her not for those things or criteria, but rather because of the connection that I have to her in other ways, like the shared interests we have or how she cares and is super sweet and all of these other very real things. But whenever I think about it in the lens of comparison, it feels bad because I think it’s a one sided blowout. It’d be easier if there was some give and take, like yes I carry more of the emotional burden but she carries more of the chores or housekeeping things. Or maybe I carry more of the financial burden, but she handles thoughtful things more like planning dates or activities. But it’s all mostly me. And I’m happy in the relationship, so incredibly so, but whenever I’m put in a situation where I’m hurt from her emotional shortcomings, it fucking sucks.

It almost feels like I always need to go through all these additional steps mentally and this extra effort to process and navigate this dance between two minds communication is, while she gets to stumble around it. It’s like understanding strategy and the game at a high level and then duping with someone who’s just holding w and playing death match. I like journaling because I don’t have to really explain these analogies that I get.

Let me do a CBT chart, I know it will help.

S: I was unable to voice my thoughts or feelings to E, and I was bitten for reaching out this time.

T: I just can’t speak to her, or be open about things without her shutting down.

F: I feel both hopeless and terrified like a child again, but then I also feel just shut off and cold, to protect myself.

B: I close off to her, and I harbor this resentment that will bottle up and come out.

T: She absolutely is capable of listening to me, just not always. She is not perfect, just like every other human. She is also under a LOT of other mental strain from the funeral, and being surrounded by family in Texas. I know how much being around family shuts me down, and also she is going through emotional withdrawals like I am from the distance.

F: I get why this happened, and there’s a reason and not a general pattern.

B: I regulate my emotions and I feel them resolve. I give her grace and patience.

God I need to do CBT more.

We made an offer on the house. I’m so incredibly privileged, I can’t stop thinking about that. It almost feels like I’m not allowed to be happy about it because of how fortunate I am to have that chance compared to others.

I just keep hearing the music in my head. I know that I’m going to smoke the fuck out of her on this christmas present. I just want to make her happy.