Today I went to Gen Korean-BBQ since there’s one near my work, and because the lunch menu is only $20. I finally went today, and since it was a weekend I had to pay $30 for the dinner menu. I decided since I was already there and hadn’t gone in forever that I would do it anyway. When I was nearing the end of the meal, the gas went out in the building and the fires would no longer light, so everyone had their meals free, so I essentially got a full meal of fancy meats for free!
Other than that, I’ve had 3 ice cream sandwiches and two hot pockets with chicken tikka curry from a bottle. I’m really living the divorced dad life, and I’m enjoying it.
I need to preface I mean shitty as in the quality of the review, but not the show itself. I decided to watch Frieren because of the edits I have been seeing along with the overwhelming positive reviews from several different people. I expected something incredibly intense, and something inspiring through sheer power and prowess of the main character, but I instead got a subtle almost slice of life anime about someone experiencing grief in a very unique way. The show actually subverted my prior expectations several times, with Frieren choosing peace and a calm life with virtually no ego. I think this was a very strangely refreshing thing to be exposed to, since a lot of media that I inadvertently consume are things that fuel the inherent desire I have to be great at things. Frieren instead was someone who was great at something, and never did it. Not in a humble sort of way, but out of freedom to not have to do it or hide it from fear of perception. She is someone who is both publicly understood to be incredibly powerful, but not once has she ever shown it or done anything of the sort necessarily. She didn’t play a hero, and had no savior moment like I know plenty of others also fantasize about. Instead she led a life unburdened by performance, and was able to live unapologetically and learn for the love of experience. I think I’d like to live like that. I don’t know if I can put a number on a show like this, since it wasn’t anything like I expected – but I’d highly recommend giving it a shot if you just want to sit back and watch something calm.
So today around 8 pm I got a message from someone higher up in the company saying that tomorrow morning in the meeting with other leads, we will be spending that time doing a deep dive on my project. I have not prepared any slides or talking points, and I am not 100% sure if my demo will even work since I am in the process of making several different changes. But instead I stayed up losing bronze games of league with A, and watching Frieren. And holy shit, Frieren has me fucking squealing and giggling like a little kid – this shit is awesome. But now I have not given myself enough time for a full nights rest so let’s see how that goes!
I kinda get why people like it so much. I think if you give it your full attention, you feel the weight the original artists put behind it. Holy shit, the way I’m giggling like a little kid.
Ok, this isn’t something I typically write about but I think it’s what I’m going to tweak about on public display for today. I played two games of League with A, and so we were playing in bronze. I fucking lost on Rengar. Badly. Like the opponents were 200 games negative win rate low silver, and I got shit on. What happened to me? I genuinely was so powerless that game, Briar invaded me 24/7 and I could not get my teammates to rotate no matter how much I called for it even when they were able to. But at the same time, their team collapsed and protected their jungle more often than not. They somehow had academy-level coordination and cohesion as a team, and my team looked at me and put another spoonful of lead paint into their mouths. I just sit here now broken as a man, with nothing left to show for it. I am washed.
I spent 4.7k today getting four round-trip tickets to Japan and back for this December, and now I need to wait for them to pay me back when they can. Immediately they started making some jokes about how I’m not seeing that money again, which I’m thankful I’m not actually doubting them about. I’m really looking forward to this trip, and I am also pretty proud of myself for being the one to basically spearhead and it and plan things out, since I wouldn’t have thought that’s something I’m capable of doing. I’ve been going a little bit crazy on the excel sheets, which is kinda fun I will say. I’m very excited to meet them in person, and to do fun shit together.
I got coffee with C this morning, and finished up a good amount of chores. I texted several friends, and just sat in call playing random games and watching youtube with S. I’m very thankful to have the friends I do, and I think I’m incredibly fortunate with that.
Oopsie, I forgot to post something yesterday – I went to S’s parent’s house and helped out with yard work for several hours, and had dinner with them and just talked. Today I asked C to get coffee and we just talked for a while catching up on life. It’s not that hard.
Doomsday happened, and it was ok. I did end up crying 3 times at work which is hilarious because I don't think I've cried 3 times in a day before in my life, so hey! Progress.
I dropped V off at the airport, and he helped me understand what a good friend is like. A’s flight got cancelled and since I was there I ended up giving her a ride back and offering for her to stay in my apartment for the night. In front of my face she called someone else after saying she felt guilty for using him so much, and asked to stay at his house. I think once the initial hurt and frustration went away I think I can understand why, after all we really aren't that close and she probably can get a full bed or something there and not have to sleep on the floor with a dog. But also I think that kind of broke me out of my idealized world, and I got to see things a little more lucid. She has been a pretty bad friend from an outside perspective, but I still enjoyed the relationship. But also I'm kinda free to not feel bad or worry about anything because there's been a couple points which have showed she doesn't really consider me a friend, at least in my sense. And so to respect myself I'm not investing in this but rather just using this as an experiment to learn from. I got a little bit of exposure therapy by asking her to pay for part of the gas for the ride back which she begrudgingly accepted. Also I think I got a little bit more but that sweet sweet experience of doing something nice while knowing I will get no reward or return, and so I know I'm genuine. After she refused to give me a little candy that she brought 3 of (after she has eaten countless snacks that I have brought, and has accepted numerous rides for free) I still bought her a taco from Taco Bell because we were drunk and she was hungry but couldn't justify spending money for it herself. I would like to be an unapologetically kind person, and I want to work towards that. I think I struggle with a sense of community because of my childhood, but a benefit of that is how I didn't need to conform to my surroundings and I grew up as I did. I had plenty of time to think, and after all if I think the point of life is to experience as much as you can, then what better way than this. I'm nowhere near perfect, but I have raised myself to be someone I am proud of. I can go to sleep at night and be happy with myself.
Weirdly, seeing how A has been treating me made the clouds part. That combined with talking it out with people who love me.