An Open Letter

The title is not in a good way. during my therapy session I was asking about handling conflict situations, especially with a specific pattern that continues to happen. She wanted to bring up childhood and address it from the source, and she asked me what I see when I think of six-year-old me asking my mom for something. Immediately one sad thing was I don’t even know what six-year-old me looks like. But I absolutely knew the feelings of being afraid, and I kept having the mental image of someone with their arm stuck under a pile of scrap metal. To stop the pain in the arm, you risk all of the metal coming crashing down on you. And so instead six-year-old me just learns to suck it up. Because every time I asked for something, she would take it out on me and I quickly learned that it’s not safe to ask. It sucks because that’s supposed to be where you learn what is ok, and I never got that. she also later told me how would I respond if someone told me that it was safe and that they wouldn’t get mad at me and I could bring up how I felt, and I almost started crying because of the visceral fear that started in my chest. I told her how all I could think about is the instances where someone tells me that, and the exact same pattern continues. And how I’ve started to associate that with confirmation that I am not safe if I ask someone to stop hurting me or anything like that. I’m glad I talked about it in therapy today, because I don’t think it always has to feel this way. It does however suck that I have to go through this extra effort to undo my childhood, compared to people that just get to have good parents. I know that it’s almost like a unicorn expecting that, and that pretty much no one has that, but it still hurts because I wish I did.

I decided that I'm going to get back on hinge. I remember before A I had a conversation with an AI chatbot trying to understand why I would have motives for dating. It was mostly because I understood how virtually all of my niches can be filled through other avenues, and how I didn't see what benefit to my life having a girlfriend would have. And I was mostly caught up in the logistics of different hypothetical situations. And then I ended up having my relationship with A, and even though I knew it was going to be a relatively short-term one with an end date, it did center my course again. I've kind of realized how far I've drifted from my pre-college dream of a happy marriage, where I would fall asleep hugging my pillow dreaming about hugging my future wife instead. I think I've started to learn more and more how much I can love, mostly in the way of learning more about myself, and also the platonic love that I have with my friends. And also I guess the love for strangers. I'd like to look for a loving relationship where where I feel secure, safe, and also loved in return.

I’ve gained about 10 lbs in the last month, I’ve been eating about four meals a day. I’m balancing my fatigue and comparing my RPE’s to last year I’m much stronger. I will be strong.

I started feeling myself slipping into a pretty bad depression today. I got off work, and was stuck in an almost haze, where I was incredibly tired and I was struggling to even get up off the floor. I stoped enjoying music, and at one point just stopped playing anything and walked around in an almost trance. I was really worried that I was going to fall into another depressive episode. I asked S if he was on, and he responded, and so we agreed to play some games in an hour. When I joined, he was trying out FL studio and so I repirated it to join him, and we made some absolutely beyond ass attempts at a “beat”. That was stupid enough and fun enough for me to feel happy. We then went and played some games, and then just viewed some tiktoks and I showed him some of the stuff from the cruise and we just kept laughing and had a great time like we usually do. And I feel better now. I think I realized with the lack of social interaction that I normally get, this is my recipe for depression. I’ve spent the last few days just by myself watching TV once I get home, and that’s not a good thing to do.

I was thinking about the loneliness epidemic – it’s not like there’s suddenly some massive mismatch between people, like it’s not a “supply” issue. I think because of how virtualized the world has become, it’s suddenly way easier to disconnect from in-person interactions, and to somewhat avoid community inadvertently. I think this is somewhat empowering in a way, since I realized how I have much more agency than I would think in this. For example in the new graduates slack channel at my work, I have the power to initiate and forge new connections, and that’s something incredibly valued by others. Like the two people I have plans to go to dance classes with, that was so dirt-easy to get, all from just briefly mentioning that I have been doing dance classes. Imagine if I organize an event, or if I make it even easier with all the techniques and strategies I’ve learned and practiced over the years. I have so much control over socialization, and I have the ability to forge new connections and be that extroverted person that is the central hub. I think this can also apply to stuff like a relationship, I just need to meet and interact with more people and find someone that matches up with me in those ways and I’m set — at least for the opportunity. It could really be that easy. I’ve almost turned that into my mantra — it’s that easy.

I think this is one of those things where I’ve learned that no matter what there’s no winning this game. I’m both happy that I’m lean, since I have pretty pronounced abs, and I think that I’m at an almost “ideal” body type for the female gaze. I say this because of the above mentioned fact, but also because I’m I think at that nice precipice of being muscular, but not too muscular. Also I think arguably the nicest part of my physique is my forearms, and vascularity, the latter which is partially dependent on me being at this weight (~170 lbs). But with all of those nice things, I’d say I’m unhappy, since I want to be more towards 200 lbs. This is more for functional reasons, such as not being fucking manhandled by someone 2 weight classes above me in jiujitsu, and also being generally stronger. Also for aesthetic reasons, I want to feel more like a “man,” I guess, by having that stature. I know that there’s no “one size fits all” for the female gaze, and that being on the heavier side is also attractive. But I guess it’s a bit detached from that for me, I haven’t really been too concerned with aesthetics, at least in the sense of being attractive to women. I think that’s partially a relic of low self-esteem, and not having much weight in my mind for being attractive, since most of my self-view has been detached from that from the start.

I guess I’m just generally somewhat unhappy with the general hedonic treadmill aspect of it — I both want to be lean and cut, but I also want to be bulkier and larger. I know these things are somewhat at odds with each other, and so it’s a recipe for unhappiness if I want both of them. I guess it always boils down to this “want”, like the concept of dukkha from Buddhism. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to eliminate this however, the grass seems to always be greener on the other side. Right now I’m cut with visible abs, plenty of vascularity, and muscle definition. I know these are things I enjoy and am happy about, meaning I would also start to want those instead if I was heavier weight. But I want to be heavier weight so I have that sense of control and don’t feel powerless. Also I get the huge benefit of being fucking stronger. I know that I should be proud of my lifts, additionally at my bodyweight. My DOTS score is about 320, which is at the top end of average according to a random source on tiktok, which is I guess good comparing to powerlifters with my context, but overall I just feel pretty pathetic. I know that this is delusion, since if I go out in public or even go to the gym, there will be like <1% of people there with stronger lifts, and almost all of those people will be way heavier and bigger than I am. But that’s where my want lays I guess, I can’t be content while there’s someone above me. I know this mindset helped me a lot for success, but it’s not great for contentment I guess.

“If you don’t heal the wound, you’ll bleed on people who did not cut you.” I’ve never met someone with a perfect childhood, and I think everyone carries those wounds with them, each in their own tragically unique way. Normally you can ignore it, but sometimes something pushes on it and causes it to bleed.

Keep by Whirr disguises itself as a gentle, ethereal song, with soft distant drums and a gentle guitar playing harmonic chords. And then almost two minutes in, the illusion falls out as you’re hit by a wall of sound that threatens to overwhelm you. The distant soundscape is violently brought all around you, almost suffocating. But just as fast as the bleeding starts, it backs away to give you the much needed space. And just in time you can catch yourself, and recollect.

Today while driving back home, for some reason I felt like this was a conversation. And there for a bit, the mask slips a bit and you threaten to crumble in front of the other in such a vulnerable way. But it lets up, and you hold it together.

The song continues one more time with its soft bridge, but this time with a melancholy tone under it. You saw what threatened to spill, and with that comes the fear of being too much. But the other person is still safe, and almost welcoming with its gentle chords again. It feels like a group of instruments somehow telling you the words “it’s ok, you’re safe here”. And then it starts to fade out again, just like a tsunami as I brace for the chorus again.

Then the wave hits you again. It’s enough to make you want to shut down, to isolate and get to safety to avoid being defenseless in front of someone, all you need to do is last a few more bars and it will stop. It pushes the line of overwhelming you again, but you know it will end.

And then it doesn’t. They drag you back, almost screaming, saying you’re safe. And then it’s too much, and it pours out of you. Every wound ignored and hidden spills out, and it’s that moment of screaming and begging at no one, wishing it never happened or that someone was there to save you then, or all of the other wishes that did not come true. It’s that ugly begging, the desperation born from fear that fills the space, and the painful knowing that it was too much, and you’ve ruined it, and since they’re leaving that means that you’re too much again.

But they don’t, they sit there, not screaming or crying along side you, but just letting you have that space. And once you’ve exploded in this ugly way, they hold you up to the light and don’t look away. They stay, and tell you it’s ok. You may not be ok, but you’re safe. And you will be ok. And it hurts but the wound can now begin to heal. You can gently fade away into their arms, and it’s quiet and you’re exhausted, but most importantly you are loved.

M did something today that I didn’t appreciate. Especially since she already bailed on 2 plans in the last week, and also delayed today’s plans by her bad planning by two hours. I asked for something simple, and she immediately didn’t do it after making excuses the first time. When I brought up that I felt upset by it, she got incredibly defensive and turned it on me after making more excuses. I value M as a friend, but it feels like they can never be wrong. I remember one of our earlier interactions where she was wrong about something and even when I proved I was right, she refused to acknowledge it. It’s frustrating, since it feels like I’m not able to ever have my feelings validated. Childhood all over again.

I just started watching it yesterday since I’d heard good things about it and have seen enough tiktoks, and honestly it’s pretty spot on with all the criticisms from people. Specifically, how it’s just a power fantasy show, something meant to self-insert. I feel like when you think about it separately, it seems like such pandering-slop, and kinda pathetic. Wanting to watch something where someone just keeps being underestimated, where someone is weak and always picked on and taken advantage of, and somehow they become secretly powerful and can enact justice in justified situations. Like being attacked and preyed on, and being able to get revenge in a self-defense situation. Things like this really just line up with I think a feeling I share with a lot of other people. I think it’s the fantasy of having control over those situations in real life, places where you don’t feel like you can stop it or stand up for yourself. Like if your boss starts criticizing you or blaming you for something that is not your fault, or other similar situations. And also, of course, the worse examples of being bullied or abused. I think it’s fairly addictive to have the thought and desire to be able to stand up and fight back, or even just have control in those situations. And I think shows like this aim to scratch that itch. I found it fairly weird how the show makes a point early on to show how women are fawning and throwing themselves at him because of his physical changes, and how people notice him working out. I think that’s a weird gym-pill, since it seems like it’s trying to sell the idea how working out makes such a drastic difference and suddenly he is wanted and powerful. I think it’s a bit manipulative, since I think there will be a lot of impressionable people watching the show and wanting to chase the same control or agency over their own lives. Honestly so far I’ve enjoyed it however, which is weird to say after all of these red flags I’ve mentioned LOL.

The scary part is how it feels like I don’t have control over it. Like I can do my best to be ready for it I guess, or at least I can work on that, but I can’t control if it will happen. And also there’s so much more to it that I don’t even want to consider because of how hard it could be. I hope it happens. But I also find myself now wanting it, so that contradicts what I’ve learned.