An Open Letter

A digital journal

For about a year and 3 months now I’ve been keeping a gratitude list on my phone. Every day I write down 5 things I’m grateful for, that made me happy. I want to at some point make a word cloud of it to visualize it, but even without that, I think I’ve learned a lot about myself. I virtually never have put down things like playing games by myself or killing time on TikTok, but consistently I write down my interactions with friends, even things as small as reminders that I have these people as good friends. I find myself putting down S, S, L, and L fairly frequently. Maybe I should target my life more towards things I am grateful for, rather than live life and then later notarize the parts I like. Oh well, let me go to bed at a reasonable time today – I’ve been messing up my sleep schedule a bit too much recently and I want to stop that. Goodnight!

Yesterday I got home very late as I was at a friend’s place playing Mario party while drunk. Absolute blast of a time, and I hope we can do it again. Tomorrow I think I’m going to watch a movie at a friend’s place and I hope I get to see their weird ass housemate, so that’s something else to look forward to. I’m just overall content I think again.

I spent another 3-4 hours helping people out with a difficult week outside of my paid time for the class I’m teaching. Tomorrow I hope I can have a good day, I’m planning on doing another “psilocybin treatment”. Shame I’m incredibly busy now adays, but also next quarter I barely will have any classes so I’m quite sad about that. Oh well, I am just hoping I can finish this goal within 40 days. I don’t know if I can anymore.

I say better because I’m not fully sure it’s good, but I do feel better. I ended up crying at the top of a parking structure because some more shit happened today lol, but S called me and we talked about something unrelated for a while until I forgot I was overwhelmed. I got my bike fixed and kept doing the things I needed to do. I played with Hash, got him his birthday gifts, and pet him a ton. I went and worked out, and then got some work done at home. I feel ok now. S and L also reached out to me, asking if I wanted to play or talk which was very sweet. I love them all.

And I'm sorry. I'm sorry I am not better for you. I should be reading or meditating, as I already didn't do it yesterday, but instead here I sit staying up late crying in bed. I'm too busy tomorrow where I only have one hour back at home to take you to get your birthday presents. I'm so sorry my baby. I love you more than anything else in this world, and this is how I treat you. It's always about me. I'm so fucking sorry. I'm so sorry Hash. I wish I was better to you. But I don't change. I hate myself for that. I try to believe that you're happy, because the alternative is too much for me to bear. It hurts so much to think about. What if you need more love from me. I wish you could tell me. How could I be a father if I can't even take care of you. I'm so sorry my baby. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. It hurts so much to think about. I'm so sorry about the thoughts I get. I'm sorry for the things that come out into my mind. It's not me I promise. I love you. I don't ever want you to die. I love you more than I love myself, you have to believe me. But not enough to be better to you. Unless I'm fully sure it won't hurt you I'll never consider it. What a fucking low bar. What a selfish low bar. I'm sorry I'm me.

A gave them to me in 11th grade. It was for Christmas, she said the bears on the socks looked like me. I wore them again today. I can see 3 toes fully, there's almost more foot than sock at the bottoms of them now. They will rip apart if I wear them one more time, I'm afraid to wear them again. How tightly can I hold onto the feeling or reminder of love.

I thought about it, and I wanted to be spiteful and say how nice it must be to have someone you can reach out to for support, implying I don't. But I do, I just don't. Don't reach out. I don't know why it's so hard. There will always be another excuse on why I don't. And then the floodgates eventually open. I don't want to be this way.

I wish the socks never ripped.

I find it kinda backward. I find happiness in mundane normal things, but I don’t get happiness from large significant things. Am I just broken or something? Thinking about it more, all of the customary things that people get addicted to give me almost nothing.

I’d like to be able to put everything behind at some point. I think about Matthias Steiner in moments like these. I’ve never seen such emotion overcome someone before like that. I started powerlifting because of him I think.

We had a lecture today for my ML class about what love was, as a fun little lecture for Valentine's Day. I found myself thinking it was strange how someone mentioned how they felt lonely on this day. I don’t think I’ve ever really spent Valentine’s Day with anyone romantically, so I guess I don’t know what I’m missing. I guess kinda the same for a serious relationship. Other than T, I haven’t had anything. And T was only 2 months and we know how that ended.

Thinking about this makes me want to just lay back and stare up at the universe. Try to figure something out I guess. It’s a very strange kind of freedom to go through life without a partner, I was thinking about this more as S was talking about how the opposite felt bad. Living attached to someone and always connected can get too much at times, I guess like a built-up frustration. I feel like I should do something else rather than indulge these ideas, but I can’t seem to stop from writing them. I guess I’ll tell myself it’s putting it down somewhere.

I find myself jealous a lot. I also find myself thinking of things that lead to nothing good. Either it hurts people, or it hurts me differently. I don’t want to have this thought or even know if I’m right with it. I guess I’ll stop here.

Hey, quick post because I should sleep for my midterm tomorrow morning. I’m doing it. I’m happy, I like my life, and I’m happy to wake up and do it again every night. I feel fulfilled, and I’m proud of the things I’ve built. God I’m just happy to be alive.

I had an hour before I had to get ready for bed, so I decided I’d do some homework as a treat, so I’d feel productive. I ended up instead helping a friend with a physics question. I then spent a while chasing down a bug in a person’s code on Discord for the class I’m TA’ing for. Then I helped someone else out with their code, all while I was not being paid.

I don’t really receive any benefit for doing these things, at least not in a way I can see. But I just like helping people. Even in a selfish sense, I just like helping someone out. I’d like to think that in a lot of positions where I was struggling, people have helped me out. I still think about the time a random guy gave me a flower while walking around in IV, just to make my day. I think that’s been the only time I’ve ever gotten flowers. I’m so thankful to that guy for doing that. Or what about when I was new to the gym and how the big scary guys who I thought were laughing at me took the time to help me with form when I asked for help. Or when I went and with a sign to the arbor saying “knock over my card tower”, and how no one wanted to knock it over. In fact, many people helped me when the cards would blow over. Or the time K wanted to drive over to my place when I was in high school late at night because I needed help.

I think people are kind. I’d like to be kind.

There’s someone in my Martial Arts class who is absolutely gorgeous. Like when she looks at you and smiles, BOOM all thoughts exit your head. Me and another friend thought she was a model originally. Today’s class was a bit smaller, but we basically interacted for the first time today, and she is playfully serious in such a confident way, she’s just absolutely magnetic.

After the class, we talked a little bit while walking out, and we exchanged names. She was going to the gym, need I say more (shared interest (I do need to say more))? I didn’t want to overthink it, but I asked her if I could ask her a question, and she said no in the same way I love to. I asked her if she modeled, and she was absolutely flattered and said it was such a sincere compliment. Sometimes there are just those people who you see and just want to make happy – like realistically there’s a solid chance she’s a first or second year, which I think is weird because I’m essentially a 5th year. And regardless she could already have a partner, but even without the desire for a relationship I genuinely love making her smile. She’s just one of those people who radiates joy.

God isn’t it so cringe how I’m so enamored by this person without knowing that much about them? We were doing stretches at one point and we were supposed to lean as forward as we could while sitting on the floor. L and I barely moved forward 2 inches before tapping out, while she was laying flat on the floor. I found myself fighting to not laugh out loud at how funny the situation was. God, she just seems so cool. Oh well, maybe in another world. And maybe in this one? God, it’s just so much content. I’m grateful for it!