I was really mad at E today, and to me it felt like she just kept fucking up. I realized at some point that I was just very hurt, and that I was kinda taking it out on her. But after she left me on read for 40 minutes and I was livid, she sent me a text saying that she needed me to listen and understand, and I took those 20 minutes while she was getting ready to call to put myself in her shoes. Before she sent that text, I was wondering how I could possibly put aside my anger, but after seeing that she had something she needed to get off her chest, something snapped (in a good way). I realized that she hadn’t asked for that before, and it suddenly dawned on me that it had been an incredibly stressful and painful month for her, and she hadn’t talked about any of her feelings. She had been bottling things up the whole time, and it finally was too much, and she was terrified because she had felt like it was selfish and not ok for her to take up space, given that she fucked up and was trying to make up for it. That broke my heart, since even though I want my own pain to be addressed, it shouldn't have come at her cost. We talked for a while, and there are a lot of things that I realized I had said while hurting, and I forced her to shoulder that pain without her bringing it up. She didn't feel like she could talk to me about that stuff, and I really regret that because I want her to know that she absolutely can. All of my anger almost immediately dissipated because I realized the version of me that was being mad at her was just the version of childhood me that was hurting from the neglect and the pattern from my parents. I did my best to fully give her a conversation where she felt like she could finally let go of a lot of that grief that she'd been holding on to silently. And overall, it was incredibly good. I think it's weird because somehow seeing that she had been hurting this whole time got rid of so much of my anger. I think it really made me realize how. I was really just beating up on someone who loves me so much, and while I understand that I'm hurting, I never want to hurt her. I want to be her peace, not the source of her pain.
I just didn’t sleep until this late. I think I’ve honestly found my person, it’s like finding someone that just gets a lot of different parts of me and it feels like the more I reveal or let my guard down with, the more I’m accepted. It’s such a strange feeling for that. It’s not like we are the exact same, we definitely have our flaws and things that grate on eachother, but I wouldn’t want it in any other package.
I get to see E in just 2 more days. It’s been almost a month away from her and I miss her so much, I miss the feeling of hugging her, seeing her smile, the smell of her, her hair tickling my face and getting in my mouth, I miss picking her up and so much more. God I just want her in my arms so badly.
“Because I feel this way because I’ve asked for things several times and each time I got my hopes up, but it ends up falling short and that’s why I am walled up to protect myself. When you ask, it hurts because it feels like it’s both confirmation that me putting hope into asking the other times was stupid because you didn’t do/remember, but it’s also asking me to again reach my hand out to be bitten.“
I started a new workout routine, no longer doing my own but using a PPLUL from the app I use. And holy shit, that leg day beat the fuck out of me. I feel good again. I think I miss that intensity and level of pain, and overcoming that helps so much. Wanting to quit and cut it out but not really helps me a lot.
It’s just a few more days left until E is back. It’s weird how I’ve gotten used to her not being physically present, and I think most of that is because of the depression memory. I wonder what life would look like in two months. Is it possible that she really is the one? Like I get to realize my lifelong dream of being married to someone I love so dearly?
I feel bad for E, because I’ve been pretty badly depressed for the last few days in a row. I just feel bad because she has to deal with that, and especially because I’m forgetting so many good things, and really what it’s like to be happy. She’s putting up with me and being really sweet, and I just can’t fully acknowledge it because of this state I’m in. I hope for both of our sake I get out of it.
I’m exhausted. I would have killed myself if I had a gun in front of me, but that’s honestly such a low bar. Click, and then peace. No more worries, no uncertainty or fear anymore. Is that even that bad of a thing to say?
I’m not going to lie, I kinda hate Christmas. I feel like the grinch, because it’s just this hate because I never get to participate in it and I just have to watch from the outside. I understand that I’m not the only person in this position, as a lot of my friends don’t get to go home for it either, but it’s a weird kind of pain because I do have my family right here, but it’s just not one that I can really celebrate anything with. I know I really don’t have too many things to complain about in the grand scheme of things, but even things like buying a dream house and all that don’t stop this miserable feeling from being alone. I know that E would want to spend this time with me, but I want her to be happy and not have to also be dragged down by this.
I talked with E today, and I was really nervous and afraid to do it. I told her that I had been feeling like my emotional needs had not been met, and that I felt like she needed to take more accountability for past mistakes. I used the analogy of if you stab someone with a 6-inch blade, pulling it out 3 inches doesn’t make you even. Pulling it out 6 inches doesn’t make it even, either. You need to pull the blade out, and then heal the wound for it to be even. She took it very well and responded incredibly well. It did relieve a lot of the mental pressure that I had and a lot of the resentment that had started to build up. I just really hope that somehow she can actually follow up and show that initiative to make amends for past transgressions.