I went over to A’s place for game night, and at one point we were playing secret Hitler. I’ve never played the game before, but it’s a fun social deduction game and ripe for causing chaos by lying. I decided to go for my favorite of pure chaos instead of trying to win, but I had my moment of victory by announcing near the end who I thought the people were and I got 2/3 of them right which made me feel pretty smart lol. I had a great time with everyone there and really enjoyed the overall vibe so I’m very happy I went.
I’m also kinda nervous since tomorrow A is coming over to sleep over, and we’re kinda hitting that next base in the relationship(?) and I’m anxious. I also don’t really know what the proper timeline is to ask them out but I know for sure I want to once it’s appropriate to. I really like her, I think shes an incredible person and I enjoy her company. I’m doing my best to remind myself that the requirement to be liked/loved is just to give space for someone else, because that alone relieves the pressure I feel to constantly be someone providing some sort of value. I guess I kinda feel like it’s a never-ending interview where I’m trying to convince the other person that I should be someone they care about. But I don’t think that’s the way life should be, just a wrongly learned lesson from childhood. I’m glad I can see that now.
It's only 10 but I'm exhausted my brain isn't working. I apologize to myself for not really writing anything for the last few days but I've been coming home super late.
I've been constantly rewriting my blog over and over again because I'm not happy with it and it's never getting to the point that I should deploy it, and I need to stop wasting so much time waiting for it to be perfect.
Today I saw Cleopatrick in concert and I just got home and I'm about to pass out. The fucking coolest thing is they were playing their new album with ZIGMENTALITY And I found out they all are connected after which was an insane thing to blow my mind. As the concert ended one of their friends who was helping was coming to clean up and I begged him to show them my shirt because I made the custom one from when I went to Cobourg and he thought it was sick and said he would show it to them in the back. They all ended up signing it and I even got to talk with all of them and take photos and I even got to exchange Instagrams with one of the people from ZIG!!! It turns out Luke even watched my TikTok that I made which is really funny because it has like six likes. Ill write a lot more tomorrow since I'm about to pass out right now, but I remember in the concert thinking about how if love is to be changed, or if you should change for love. Or if there is some weird other option where love should require no change and that was something I wanted to think about later.
All of my projects are either done, or extended and I am now done for midterms for now. It feels weird too let off the gas without doing really anything heavy. Oh well.
Situation – S is taking time out of midterm week to go across the country with a relatively new friend for their birthday.
Thoughts – I wish someone did something similar for my birthday. I think it would mean the world to me and I would cherish the thought forever if something similar happened to me. This kinda feels like a reminder of what’s about to come and how miserable I will be on my birthday again.
Feelings – Honestly, I just feel like crying. I feel like a younger me sitting on that bathroom floor crying since what else was I supposed to do.
Behavior – It gets worse, and the pull starts to creep in.
Thoughts – Realistically it’s not like she planned this for the other person, and it could just essentially be an excuse for a fun trip with new friends. This is important because it points out how this isn’t like the status quo for a birthday or anything like that. And regardless I am the one in control of my days, and so I can plan something nice for my birthday for myself that doesn’t have to include others.
Feelings – I still feel like I’m mourning my childhood, but at least I’m not there anymore. I also don’t really care about S since I can at least separate that information from what depression wants to leverage against me.
Behavior – Yeah this time of year will still suck, but at least this is one less piece of pain alleviated.
I don’t like the idea of S reading this, since I think I’ve hit the point where I have to somewhat carefully portray myself to them. Unfortunately, I don’t think they really understand some things and so I’d rather just not have to deal with that can of worms. But also I guess I kinda do think about this in terms of other people. I always think that everyone has their own tragically bad childhood, but sometimes people don’t. Everyone has their problems, and ironically enough I think a lack of those problem is another problem in itself, but having the conversation with S was kinda painful. S didn’t understand how they were making me feel and when I would try to explain that to them they would get kinda aggressive and there was not much chance they would be able to listen to what I had to say, since they were saying “I understand what you’re saying and I can read emotion and tell what you’re feeling” no matter what. Today they mentioned how they were going across the country for a few days as a trip for a coworkers birthday, during midterms week. That sounds sick and I’d hope that they’re getting along well if that’s happening so quickly lol. But also I do feel sad because I’m thinking about how my dreaded birthday is coming up soon. 21 days. I wish I could skip it. I wish somehow S could come visit for it, I miss him. I feel like if V was not super far away we could do some stupid fun shit and that would be a blast. Same with A, he’d prob be down to do something fun. I’m kinda worried about A, because I don’t want her to be bogged down with all of my shit. I just hate this time of year. I wish I was allowed to have friends as a kid. Birthday parties would have been great. What else can I do but mourn this shit now, it’s not like I’ll ever be able to have another childhood. It’s kinda sad to think about how the thought of childhood is terrifying to me. Nostalgia just kinda feels like a concept that I’m aware of, but I never really feel it for the same things everyone talks about. I’ve never had nostalgia for summer, since it’s just been me locked in my room physically isolated from everyone else. Covid was honestly nicer than before since other people were also online. I tell myself that the benefit of this is that I’m good academically and financially well off, but I can’t help but mourn the lack of a family. I’d gladly trade money to have a family. I get an angry kind of sad when people talk about family stuff, or when they lean on family for support; what am I supposed to do? I’ve poured myself into school and studying because if I’m focused on something else and my brain doesn’t stop moving I don’t have to think about the rest. I become so incredibly bitter around this time of year, it’s not fair I don’t have a family while everyone else I know does. I would give so much to have childhood me not become who I am. I wish younger Anshuman was loved, I can’t even bring myself to ask for the love to be unconditional. I realized recently in a therapy session that to be loved or liked I didn’t even need to be anything, I just needed to give space to someone else. That’s the closest I’ve ever come to understanding unconditional love towards me, since for the first time I didn’t think I had to provide something to get it.
S kept rubbing in how she had a secure attachment style and wasn’t insecure about being loved, and that cut so fucking deeply. I’m sorry that it hurts me this much and I’m sorry that I didn’t have parents that hugged me, told me they loved me, or anything like that. Instead, I had one essentially absent parent and another abusive one. I’m sorry that was the hand I was dealt as a kid and how now I can get hurt by your actions. You keep saying you don’t know what to say since it feels like I’ll just be hurt, and I wish others just understood I don’t want to be this way. If only I could make them understand that I’m not upset at them. I wish I wasn’t difficult. I wish I was less.
I haven’t hit escape velocity yet, but I was closer. It’s a nice feeling to go lightheaded from the g-force; for a little bit, all that matters is staying on the road and conscious. Today was bad enough that while on call with friends I got so stressed and overwhelmed that I just went nonverbal for like 40 minutes. I played guitar for a bit and when I came back I just couldn’t speak, so I sat quietly in call. Sometimes I just get blindsighted by things and it hits me out of nowhere. It’s like that tweet “you people can’t do anything” (@ adhd people struggling with like Halloween costumes or something lmao). Don’t even sweat it man. Don’t even trip.