An Open Letter

I’ve neglected my sleep a decent amount and so most of the things I think or say right now are barely lucid. It’s mostly just whichever hemisphere of my brain is responsible for the automatic processes just doing its best at next word prediction. I don’t think I should really write anything of substance today so I’m going to leave it here I guess.

The title is a bit more aggressive than I feel right now, but I just love the song GREAT LAKES by Cleopatrick. There was a girl at the gym today who had some MASSIVE quads/hamstrings and I asked them for their leg day since I want legs like that. We talked a bit and we both didn’t really have gym buddies so I asked if they wanted to exchange contact info to work out sometime. When I told A, she snuck in a message which felt like she was accusing me of lusting over the girl’s ass or something along those lines. I felt pretty disgusted and upset by that comment since I think it’s incredibly objectifying and perverted. I don’t like this feeling like I’m on the stand and I need to prove that I’m trying to make more friends, and not that I’m trying to fuck some other girl, let alone the fact that I hold it as a core value to not sexualize friends.

I know that there are other circumstances at play, but even with me putting in a lot of effort to process and communicate my thoughts and feelings in a way that’s constructive A responded in a fairly inflammatory way, while also ignoring my feelings to further bring up her problems with it. She made up a strawman, and also finished the combo with “I don’t want to talk about it.” and so I have no choice but to just sit here and feel upset and shit on. I also can’t justify anything or even try to argue my side, so I just have to take it again. Typing this out it feels like I’m describing the shitty pattern from childhood with my mom, but this doesn’t feel like it’s hitting a nerve for better or for worse. Maybe it didn’t hit that hard, or maybe that nerve’s just gone for my own sanity.

I feel like after we talk about this, I’m going to have to deal with the job of making her not feel guilty when she apologizes for her communication. I know I have the bar set too high for the average person, but I wish I didn’t have to deal with the apology after the punch. I wish I just didn’t get punched in the first place. I consistently put in this extra effort to try to process what I say to others for their sakes (along with mine I guess), and I wish everyone did similarly. I’m glad I can at least vent here, it’s not like writing into the void can ignore my feelings, hell it can’t acknowledge it lol.

Today I only ate a slice of cake and a beef stick. At 11 me and A went to Taco Bell, and I was shaking from excitement for the food for almost half an hour beforehand. Once we got there, I unwrapped my food, got it ready, and decided to set a one minute timer just to really recognize and have gratitude for it. I spent that meal almost meditating, focusing and enjoying the meal. I want to be more present and enjoy my experiences.

I went back to my old PPL, and had a great push day. I feel happy again for once. I even applied to four jobs, to make up for not applying to any yesterday. I got my first flat out rejection, from some no-name company lol. I’m proud of myself.

Today the gym was closed and so instead I went home and solo queued lmao. I decided to push myself to get over ranked anxiety if I want to hit masters this season by playing until I lose for that day, since just one loss isn’t that bad on my mental. We ball.

I finally feel a bit better now that I can exercise again. I kinda wanna push for something this year again, I’m not really sure what for. I guess running and maybe hitting masters in league? Oh well, time will tell.

“I wonder if the blind mice even want to see, I wonder if the deaf father ever heard his daughter (scream/sing?)” -Rick’s Piano

I thought about the phrase make the most of it, and for some reason I got fixated on the thought of maybe it was too much. Last night I read about Melba being caught, and her self-punishment or hatred, whichever term you choose to use. She had lost everything and it all caught up to her, and she refused to move and was sealed off to the world. But also she was lucid, and in her mind she was there. She thought “I was almost proud of how long it had been since I'd moved.” and I felt like I was normal. And then I thought how weird it was to feel ok at the depiction of the terrorist villain. But also Holden earlier wrote about his childhood dog dying and staying by his side the whole night, but after a few hours feeling bored. He wrote that's where he learned humans had limits on emotion, and that resivour could run dry. Im pretty sure I misspelled reservoir so badly earlier autocorrect has no clue. I also realized the book is made up, and I guess it's all just the writers experiences repackaged in some form. But at least someone else has experienced what I sometimes do.

I've felt pretty low for the last week or so, I can't even tell you how long. I guess that's a good sign I'm depressed, since I don't remember joy. But I'm also not like sad, but I guess afraid of feeling because I know I'll just feel not good. Maybe not bad, but at the best nothing. And that's a scary thought. I know I'm only now getting to exercise again because of my injury, but man fuck. With whatever endorphins I was able to get just now I hope I can somewhat romanticize living. I don't feel suicidal, but I do feel at least that artistic appreciation about it, which scares me because it's a halfway house between ideation. I've had a few nights where I get a flash of a thought of letting go and it goes away as fast as it came, but it's still horrifying. But at the same time I don't feel like I can bring myself to care about anything. I realized I've left a few messages unresponded to which is almost unprecedented for me, since I respond when I get them. But weirdly I've had too many notifications when I wake up. Everything feels like a chore, and I'm almost afraid to check my phone. I doubt if I can maintain a large social network because what happens when I get depressed? I haven't really learned how to ever navigate it well because I don't even know if I can. Like am I supposed to tell everyone “hey sorry for not responding for two weeks, I wanted to recover!”? I feel myself pulling away pretty often, because everything takes energy and it cannot feel good, might as well avoid it.

I'm a little bit sad how I don't want to mention anything about suicide around A because of her trauma with it, but at the same time sometimes it's on my mind. I don't want to potentially trigger her and so I'd rather avoid it. I can handle it on my own, and ironically enough if I somehow can't then it doesn't matter, does it? That was kinda a joke, I don't see it happening. I'm worried I romanticize thugging things out on my own. But also I'm afraid to have a bad experience interacting with anyone else about it. I feel like my emotional battery has been gone for a bit. Most days I just go home and play league with A if he's on. And if not, I watch YouTube. Rinse and repeat. I know nothing changes if nothing changes, and so I guess I'm hoping for exercise to change it. But it's easy to go numb, almost inevitable – and then I forget I can feel better.

I finally got a chance to work out again today. I felt a lot better, even though my left foot kinda still hurts if I flex it. I just hope I don’t get reinjured.

I have been stunlocked for over an hour doing leet code interview questions, because they seem so easy and I think “Oh I can quickly just do this one I want to solve it, I already know how to do it”. I’ve been stuck in that trap for god knows how long, it’s probably better than doomscrolling however. I feel pretty shit today I’m going to be honest, the lack of exercise is getting to me.

I don't know why I just hear fear from Kendrick in my head. I'm not really that afraid of anything right now but I'm anxious for tomorrow. Part of me wants the day to skip