I felt a pretty hollow longing today. Earlier today I thought about how much it sucks to not have a mom growing up. And how I can’t have that now. I know plenty of people don’t have a mother either, but usually it feels like they have some sort of replacement family member, like an aunt or a grandma. Instead, I just had a Mom who neglected me. I know that there are reasons for everything, and that manifests itself in the way I am currently – I would not be me with a different childhood. But I still kinda wish I didn’t low-roll the family aspect.
I went to enjoy some sun and the break between my classes earlier today, and I did this by going to the local park and just shooting for a while. When I got there, there were 3 men in the grass shirtless and another guy shooting shirtless, and since it was pretty hot I said fuck it and took my shirt off also. I felt pretty damn self conscious at first, but that was actually so insanely nice. Feeling the ocean breeze on my skin while sweating on a hot day, and also feeling the sunlight on my skin was divine. I’m glad I did.
I again didn’t sleep in time today and instead stayed up watching youtube. I’m going to sleep in tomorrow to compensate. Maybe I sacrifice some free time tomorrow night and instead spread out my gym across the day so I can sleep in more. Or I wake up at 10 so I have 8 hours of sleep.
I talked about in therapy how now is the weird stage where I’ve forgotten so much of the relationship, where I forget most of the bad parts. All that’s left is a weird A shaped longing in my memories that I can’t quite place.
I know that I’m lacking in sleep since I’m struggling to form coherent thoughts. I think I’m starting to get addicted to short form videos again, and I should look into stopping again.
Whenever I'm out with new people all I hear is a nagging voice in the back of my head. I'll keep setting up traps for myself where I can convince myself I'm unwanted. I slightly drift away and tell myself “no one would notice if you leave” and that sentence begs to be punctuated by an Irish goodbye. I don't want that voice to be me. But then I'm faced with the question of who that is.
I just got home. Part of me is mourning something I don't know. It's all just chemicals anyway.
I just want to know if everyone else is happy. I look around and somewhat envy them, and I keep wondering if they're happy. Part of me hopes not since then I would be normal for feeling unhappy. I feel like anything I do is to mask that fact that I feel othered.
I think she's out partying. I'm also. I'm drunk. I see a lot of ass right now, and I keep finding myself wanting to instead have her. I miss having her in my arms. I thought I was done with the breakup posts, but I guess it comes in sporadic waves. If nothing else I miss someone that said they loved me. I really loved A. It feels wrong to say loved in the past tense. There was just too much friction I think. I miss her. I'd love to have her in my arms right now.
When I was about to leave, some people asked me to join for a 2v2 game and I told them I was shit but they said fuck it join so I did. I had been practicing how to finish with layups and I even made a fuckin three pointer. I ended up getting like 5 points (first to 7 with 1/2s) and I was so fucking proud holy shit.
I have so much I want to write about this song that I can't do it justice right now in public, so this is hopefully just a preamble.
Basketball shoes – black country, new road
One thing that's stuck with me was a girl sharing how as a kid there was a part of a song that she loved near the end, and how she would ask her dad to play the good part. Her dad would tell her no, and that it was the reward for listening to the rest of the song. Or at least something along those lines.
The end of this 12 minute song is an emotionally bursting crescendo that toys the line of overwhelm. It's one of those parts of a song that for a minute or so gives you the oh so human feeling of pure empathy. I don't know if the artist and you share feelings, or if you both sit in the same feeling in two different sets of clothing. But for a bit you sit together as one.
There's so much more to that I want to write, but specifically I want to briefly ramble about how to kill that magic. Think about if everything came to you the first time easily. When I think of the strongest memories and achievements I have, they were when they weren't guaranteed. When they weren't just in my fingertips. When I had to fight and work for them. I think that's what makes it so sweet.
I think of her dad whenever I restart the 12 minute song for that one minute.