Unfortunately, it’s a bit later than I thought, so I want to keep this short again. I had another date with E today, and it was a great time! We went to watch the Transformers movie, which was super fun and the theater was mostly empty so we were giggling and making jokes the whole time. This feels foreign but also what I’ve been looking for, someone I consider a friend and that I feel like I can be myself around. I’m excited and anxious at the same time.
Right now I’m waiting for my soy sauce delivery to come while my chicken cooks, and right as I typed that my instant pot started hissing, and I feel like it’s about to explode so I’m moving to the other side of my studio apartment. I think I’ve been in a fairly content place in life right now, especially now that I’ve somewhat packed my schedule with things to do. I volunteer at the local middle school for Lego robotics, which is cool because that was a big part of my childhood. I’m doing a few clubs, and I’m joining the gymnastics club which is actually really fun. Jiujitsu started today, and so even though I was injured I went and I had a good time and met some new friends. I got to hang out with S today, and I should be able to hang out with L tomorrow. I have another date with E tomorrow which I’m super excited about, since I actually feel like I can be myself around her which is something that’s difficult for me. I also need to acknowledge that I can’t really write anything too sensitive since I think that there’s a nonzero chance that she reads this (and if so hi E!) and I don’t want to have that quirky little dynamic of a one-way transparency this early on, since I do think this could be the start of something great. In full honesty, I am a little afraid since there haven’t been any red flags so far and they’ve actually responded almost perfectly to big things that I value – but also I don’t want them to read that part since I don’t want there to be some kind of pressure for them to have to fit into some specific mold or have it be where they ‘need to’ get everything perfect. How smart of me to write that warning AFTER the sensitive information, and then to also not go back and edit anything in the usual fashion. I think the big thing that I think is key for me right now is how I feel like I could be comfortable around her in the long run. Like I can visualize being in the same place and doing nothing together, and not feeling like I have to perform anything which is something I think my therapist will be so happy to hear. I also think that since I’ve put in the effort to not be my idea of ‘charismatic’ from the start, a lot of anxieties have gone away, like I’m not afraid of her seeing my tiktoks or behaviors since I’m consistent with who I portray myself as (and who I want to be). As a small little layer of abstraction away from all of this, I want to clarify for my own sake this whole analysis thing – a lot of this is not actually referring to E specifically, but rather just overall concepts and situations that I’ve been working on in therapy for, like not performing a specific way I think someone wants. With that disclaimer weirdly introduced in the middle of this, I think I actually feel like I’d be comfortable being high around her, since my big fear is I turn into a non-verbal goofy fucking idiot; the huge benefit is I’ve been that person (aside from non-verbal) so far! I think this has set me up for success, since I don’t feel like I’ve shot myself in the foot yet, and also how this is actually me and not some weird fucked up trauma coping mechanism from childhood (hooray!).
And now for something that definitely doesn’t deserve the only paragraph break in this post – I also spent over an hour today playing guitar for the first time in god knows how long, which was something that I’ve been missing out on. I purposefully avoided saying “something I’ve been neglecting”, since I don’t want this to be something I’m forced to do but rather another channel for something I can love. I played random songs I fully forgot about, and even sang along and even though I’m pretty happy right now I feel like I somehow released some pressure in some emotional songs. I played until my hands cramped too much, and then had to go to jiujitsu. I’m happy I did that. I think I’m just happy right now.
Wow what dogshit quality of posts recently, I may have to find a better time to do this as I am very sleepy and want to nap with my doggie. I had a nice .5th date (not first date yet) with E, and I actually feel like they’re someone I can see myself being authentic around. I hope this blossoms.
I’m really tired so short post, but I did gymnastics today and met several cool people who I got along with. I also matched with someone on hinge who seems like someone I’d actually love to be friends with, so I’m excited to see how that goes! I like their sense of humor and we seem very similar so I really want to go on a date! So much to do.
One of the big factors for me not doing a PhD was because of how hard and scary it was for me to read academic papers. This was before I knew I had ADHD, which explains a lot – but today I went and learned spectral clustering, and then read two papers regarding community detection for my graph ML class. I’m incredibly proud of myself because this is one of those things that I was terrified about before that now is not as scary.
Something that I'm afraid of is being forgotten or neglected by my friends. I don't really think it's the latter so I guess my fear is being forgotten. I feel like I kind of fade into the background and they forget I exist and their lives just kind of go on and I'm no longer in that chapter and that scares me.
When I got home yesterday something went wrong and I didn't have any power, and so I ended up asking S and L if I could come over. They said yes and I ended up helping L with math homework for a while which was nice since it's a subject I never really learned. They all got to see Hash and play with him which was nice. I both drove there and back with my new car, and looking back at it I feel like 14 year old me would think I'm living my dream. I'm not quite sure why I don't feel that way, probably due to the gradual changes of life as a whole and how my dreams and goals consistently shift with time. But I guess this is something I've been taking for granted that I just wanted to be mindful of.
Tomorrow my sections are starting and I slowly am getting more and more surrounded by past students, which is both a nice but also strange experience. I have a couple ULA’s in the class I’m now TA’ing that have been my students before, and even in my grad classes friends I’m making are past students of mine. I guess I’ve also been on the other end of this with R last year, and ngl that went pretty ass because of them so hey it is what it is lol.
I also did go to the engineering field day today, and to no ones surprise almost everyone in my dept was pretty antisocial. I’m proud of myself for pushing myself out of my shell and talking and starting conversations with everyone there. Our team placed dead last, without winning a SINGLE competition and I had so much fun. It was a blast.
I don’t think I ever write something truly light-hearted so how representative can this really be of a journal of me? I bought a bean bag chair on Amazon for the first time and I ordered the 6ft size because I thought it would be like long, and this way I could fully fit. Yeah no it’s like fully round. This thing spans my fucking bed and Hash loves it. 10/10.
Yesterday I went to bed at 6:30 pm and today I woke up around 10 am. I think that helped my headache a ton, and my body does feel a lot better. I’m hoping I’m fully recovered by tomorrow. I also finally got around to laundry today once I got home, but turns out I forgot the laundry is locked up at 8 – so my clothes are now going to be wet and sitting overnight and I have to wake up in the morning to go rewash and get them. Hooray.