An Open Letter

Last night my Dad slept over in my apartment since he would take the Prius down to SD to sell. I couldn’t sleep partially because it was way earlier than I’m used to, but also because I was just so depressed. I was thinking about the future and just why I felt that way. Also for the first time in months, I started thinking about killing myself. It was in those early stages, where the thought just pops in briefly – as in “Woah there! Those problems seem very scary. I know a great solution!”

I’m scared of the change that’s happening this week. Most of my friends I made are leaving, since they’re on the quarter system. I also did start getting more afraid or insecure from some of A’s comments rubbing off – like how they mentioned how S would invite her but most likely hang out with the others after dropping them off. Things like that made me feel insecure about my own situations, and it kinda did undo some of the CBT and therapy work that I’ve been doing. But also thankfully I’m in a place where I realized what’s happening and I’m at least aware of that fact.

I think this loneliness epidemic is a terrifying thing, and I understand why people enjoy having housemates now. It’d be nice to not be alone with your thoughts against your will if everyone’s busy. This year I’m going to push myself to again expand my social network.

Whenever I'm tired and unmotivated for a day, I find it hard to write something down here. I feel like I need to have some sort of insight or put down something meaningful, otherwise its a waste.

I got sidetracked spinning in my chair, and I was just thinking about how much I enjoyed yesterday's night out. I didn't even think about it, but that was the kind of thing that I used to dream about. I was with friends and we were drunk just out on the town. I'd like to remember that night, and I want to do it more often. I weirdly feel somewhat depressed because A is leaving this week and they're the person I feel closest to. Last night was the first time we went out and that was fun, and I would have gone more if I had more time. I hope I can find more people to do fun things with.

I just got back from a very long day, but I went downtown to San Francisco to club with a few friends. We missed our train afterwards and so we wandered around for a little bit and went to a Safeway and Taco Bell while both of them were drunk out of their minds and I was relatively sober by that point. I guess I kind of got to live out that childhood fantasy of taking care of friends while drunk. I also did several nice things with no reward or benefit, and I'm kind of grateful for that circumstance because at least then I can say I did it for me. I think I would like to try volunteering to help the homeless.

Holy shit. This car is a sin. In a second on the highway I am at triple digits, and from a red light I can’t even see the rest of the traffic after a few blinks. I’m a little bit terrified of its raw power.

I stayed up once I got home to edit some things, I finally made an idea I’ve been wanting to do for a while and ended up getting somewhat carried away editing something for arcane with the song I talked about yesterday. I actually really enjoyed that, I am glad I enjoy making things.

Wow! What an absolute title out of left field. Let me give a little bit of context to make me negligibly less insane.

I found a new song today: King Park – La Dispute. To summarize the song, it’s a somewhat deep dive into senseless gang violence that caused a kid to be accidentally shot and killed. The song follows the shooter, who eventually gets confronted by the police in a hotel room. The police were afraid to break into the room since the 20-year-old kid who accidentally shot the kid in a drive-by still had the gun with him, and they were fearful of what he would do. They have the kid’s uncle outside the door begging him to come out and telling him how he can be forgiven and make things right with god, and the narrator as a spirit doesn’t go into the room itself to see what’s happening because he feels the weight of murder and is afraid of what will happen. The 7-minute song ends with a tremendous climax – let me just put the lyrics

Then we heard him speak “Can I still get into Heaven if I kill myself? Can I still get into Heaven if I kill myself? Can I ever be forgiven 'cause I killed that kid? It was an accident, I swear it wasn't meant for him And if I turn it on me If I even it out Can I still get in or will they send me to Hell? Can I still get into Heaven if I kill myself?” I left the hotel behind Don't wanna know how it ends

If you feel up to it, I’d highly recommend listening to the song. With all of that poured out of my mind, about the title. Obviously, the death of a kid is a terrible thing. But I was thinking about why I feel that way, and my first guess was because it robs the kid of all of the good parts of life that would come afterward. But to play devil’s advocate – if you saw an addicted gambler at a casino and you had a choice to stop them from playing slots would you? On one hand, you believe that the gambler will eventually lose all of their money and it is a horrible outcome. But also there is a gamble that they could somehow win money in the end, even though it’s unlikely. For me, I think it’s a no-brainer if I had a choice to have them no longer gamble, for their net benefit.

Now if someone truly believes that life is a heavy net negative, for whatever reason, is this not a valid argument? If someone has had a horrible net-negative life, and they kill a kid, could that be potentially done out of pure intentions? Is that not something noble, regardless if it’s moral from our POV. I do believe life is a net positive, but I know and can see the other view, since I used to be there. I think if you believe in hedonism and have any of the countless things that could cause a net-negative pleasure life, then I could see such a thing as a righteous murder.

Let me know what you think in the comments below, oh wait there are no comments. Because this is a blog service I use that doesn’t have a method to add comments. Also because for some reason that makes this all feel performative if I have this be a two-way conversation. If I know that’s the case, then anything I write is under the knowledge that it’s meant to be perceived. At least this way I feel like it’s just another sea of text and thought put down into paper, except for the fact that it’s digital and on a website for fucks sake. I don’t get where this cognitive disconnect happens, since this is somewhat done for others, otherwise, why would I have this on a public website tied to my discord bio? I asked my unconscious this question and other than a faint, flawed thought I came up with nothing. I’m glad I can ask myself things like this.

For the last two days, I haven’t gone to the gym because I wanted to let my forearm heal fully – so instead I’ve just been going to the treadmill at work before I go home. Both days I ran a mile at a 9:13 pace, and it didn’t even feel like I was dying. I had a moment of foresight of how that isn’t going to feel as monumental as it does right now, but I still remember how much I wished and how much I worked for just a mile at a 6.5mph pace. My shins have gotten much stronger, and can sustain running for a while now compared to before. I remember when I first had PT I couldn’t run for more than a few steps before my shins made the pain unbearable. A couple hundred pounds of calf raises later and here I am! I’m really grateful to calf raises, and even though my calves don’t grow it’s a nice thing to be able to go up to anyone on the calf raise machine and work in. There are some massive bodybuilders at the gym I go to, and it’s a nice feeling to be able to warm up with the machine fully loaded.

Also, I got the delivery date for my car! This Thursday it’s coming, and I cannot wait. I’m looking forward to the sound system so fucking much.

Hearthstone buddy season ends today, and this was the last thing we said to each other before logging off for the night. I’m excited to go to Japan with all of them.

My car finally got its VIN assigned; the delivery date is sometime this week, so I am very excited about that! I need to figure out if they approve me for the 1.99% APR, because if not I need to sell stock to buy the car. I should have insurance and everything else sorted out, so I’m excited to get the new car soon. I want to wrap it eventually, but that’s made me think about how money is so disproportionately considered. A wrap would be ~6k for matte PPF, but a trip to Japan with friends for 11 days is 2.5k. It’s a no-brainer what’s a better use of money. A dream computer for me was 1k, with my childhood lottery dream of 3k on a computer. And that’s just the price for a change in color for the car. How crazy relative costs make things.

I was praying I’d never see it again but my left forearm is in incredible pain. I’ve been nonstop icing it, but it keeps flaring up and killing me. I pray it heals soon.

Me S, L, and T are planning a trip to Japan and I’m incredibly excited. Thankfully the yen is weak against the dollar, so the trip is incredibly affordable right now. I’m not a huge fan of Japan, but I have been wishing to go on a trip with friends for a long time so I am praying this happens. This is going to be chaotic and I can’t wait.

I came home, and instead of playing games I worked on writing the blog. Hopefully sometime soon this very post will be on my new website! I used a lot of github copilot, and holy shit it’s so nice for react. Give it a little bit more, let it auto create stuff like tests and I’ll become a god damn web dev. It instantly created a login page for me with what would have taken me days of tailwind. I’m just proud of myself.

Oh yeah, I also fucking RAN 2 MILES FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER!!!! I just told myself no matter what I would not stop, and when I ended I was gasping for breath for a good few minutes. I’m so proud of myself.