An Open Letter

The show is incredibly funny, but at the same time it’s a very stark description of manipulation. I think it’s most visible in the main character Barry, with his moral compass being muddied by a series of logical decisions that end up in such a painful set of circumstances. Watching the show, I can’t help but feel how terrible it must be to go through life in a manipulative relationship. To lose a sense of autonomy and identity.

This was a line from basketball shoes. It made me almost cry in the sun while eating a Subway footlong. It was just the picture of being comfortable again, and realizing it doesn’t hurt anymore. I don’t know if I should have named this nineteen, or if this is just the human condition.

I felt a pretty hollow longing today. Earlier today I thought about how much it sucks to not have a mom growing up. And how I can’t have that now. I know plenty of people don’t have a mother either, but usually it feels like they have some sort of replacement family member, like an aunt or a grandma. Instead, I just had a Mom who neglected me. I know that there are reasons for everything, and that manifests itself in the way I am currently – I would not be me with a different childhood. But I still kinda wish I didn’t low-roll the family aspect.

I went to enjoy some sun and the break between my classes earlier today, and I did this by going to the local park and just shooting for a while. When I got there, there were 3 men in the grass shirtless and another guy shooting shirtless, and since it was pretty hot I said fuck it and took my shirt off also. I felt pretty damn self conscious at first, but that was actually so insanely nice. Feeling the ocean breeze on my skin while sweating on a hot day, and also feeling the sunlight on my skin was divine. I’m glad I did.

I again didn’t sleep in time today and instead stayed up watching youtube. I’m going to sleep in tomorrow to compensate. Maybe I sacrifice some free time tomorrow night and instead spread out my gym across the day so I can sleep in more. Or I wake up at 10 so I have 8 hours of sleep.

I talked about in therapy how now is the weird stage where I’ve forgotten so much of the relationship, where I forget most of the bad parts. All that’s left is a weird A shaped longing in my memories that I can’t quite place.

I know that I’m lacking in sleep since I’m struggling to form coherent thoughts. I think I’m starting to get addicted to short form videos again, and I should look into stopping again.

Whenever I'm out with new people all I hear is a nagging voice in the back of my head. I'll keep setting up traps for myself where I can convince myself I'm unwanted. I slightly drift away and tell myself “no one would notice if you leave” and that sentence begs to be punctuated by an Irish goodbye. I don't want that voice to be me. But then I'm faced with the question of who that is.

I just got home. Part of me is mourning something I don't know. It's all just chemicals anyway.

I just want to know if everyone else is happy. I look around and somewhat envy them, and I keep wondering if they're happy. Part of me hopes not since then I would be normal for feeling unhappy. I feel like anything I do is to mask that fact that I feel othered.

I think she's out partying. I'm also. I'm drunk. I see a lot of ass right now, and I keep finding myself wanting to instead have her. I miss having her in my arms. I thought I was done with the breakup posts, but I guess it comes in sporadic waves. If nothing else I miss someone that said they loved me. I really loved A. It feels wrong to say loved in the past tense. There was just too much friction I think. I miss her. I'd love to have her in my arms right now.