I’m in San Jose for a brief work trip and I asked E for recommendations. Some of the places she mentioned were above $100 per person, and I realized that I got a feeling of inadequacy, Exemplified by the fact that I don’t even have formal clothing to wear to a nice place. But I also am close enough with her and I can trust her enough to directly tell her about how I was feeling these ways to get that reassurance and she confirmed that it’s known an issue to her, and then I realized it’s just me being mean to myself on her behalf and it’s kind of stupid in that way
I’ve definitely noticed I haven’t been writing much as of late, and that’s because I’ve been consistently sleeping super duper late because of how much I’ve been talking or spending time with E. I’m so incredibly lucky to have her for so many different reasons.
She can understand it, we just talked about it and she got it. I told her I haven’t felt like she wanted me physically, and her answer was she doesn’t want it, she does it for me. That guts me.
Kinda funny how that’s inherently ironic. I’m feeling bad again and I think I’m putting too much expectation on Emma. This is one of those things I need to be brave about and accept, because running from it would only confirm its existence. But I also wonder what it could look like to feel hot. Or wanted. Like someone wanted to put their hands on me. Or saw me, past just promises of it. I keep having this hope but I’m afraid that it’s a repeat of a big promise and a let down. Then the hope rides onto the next promise.
She said she wanted something and so I looked into it and ordered it immediately for her. She wouldn’t do the same for me or close to it, and maybe that’s a good thing. But I realize how it hurts feeling one sided like this. Part of me falls for this idea that if I do enough then I’ll receive more. But that’s also not really true is it? People aren’t aware of other people and I’m the same so it’s not something I can fault. So I guess I’m just sad at the universe, circumstance, myself, or whatever other target you prefer to choose. I’m breathing out sighs of relief at the bare minimum sometimes. And then I’m stressing about meeting her bar. And I’m not listening to her either there. I set myself up for these traps and then I blame others for not noticing and saving me. Who do I have to blame but myself?
I don’t like feeling this way, I feel like I’m expecting too much but also like I’m doing too much for what I’m getting back. And I know this is something I’ve talked about with my therapist, because I’m very aware emotionally I think I’m very good nvm she’s here
I setup a gamenight with friends online and it was a nice time, but I also shut down pretty fast. I feel like every time I do these party games I get tired and then I feel slightly ignored and then I shut down. It’s a shame how I was more excited before it than I actually was during.
N made a joke yesterday that didn’t feel like a joke and was hurtful to me, and I sent them a text saying I’d appreciate if they didn’t make that kind of joke in the future. They called me and spent like 15 minutes losing it and saying pretty stupid things. Oh well lmao.
Then me S and T tried out a new game which was fire, and then afterwards spent like 10 minutes using the emotes to make our characters do naughty things to eachother. Was a good night. It can be that easy.
I think I just keep finding myself sad, and I wield it like a gun; I point it at anything that moves. Yesterday it was me not feeling wanted, and today it’s me feeling neglected. I just aim and fire blindly till I find the source, but I’m never aiming where I should be.