An Open Letter

I had a good therapy session today, and a big thing we were talking about was dealing with envy. It’s shown up recently with why I think friends aren’t always happy for me with things, and that ended up leading to the thought of how other people don’t see the sacrifices that come with the financial/academic success I have now. I think it’s easy for people to see financial difficulties and sympathize with that, but I don’t know anyone irl who can sympathize with a lack of a childhood. Over summers I wouldn’t see a single friend until school started again, since I was locked at home doing SAT/ACT practice tests or studying for some other standardized test. I wasn’t allowed to go to friend’s houses, hang out with them, get rides from them, spend time after school or anything else like that. I never got to have any of those experiences, and so I feel a huge looming envy whenever people remind me of what they have. I do academically very well now because I did not have ANYTHING else growing up. When I say that was my entire life, I mean that – I didn’t get physical affection from my family, I didn’t get any kind of socialization, I had to teach myself social skills from reading things online and sneaking behind my parents back to talk to random people online. It was hell entering college and then having to start from square one, compared to everyone else who had parents who raised them to be a person outside of academics.

Because of that, yeah I am happy that I have this nicer thing than others. And I paid for it fully by myself. If I don’t have this to show, that means that I got robbed of any sort of childhood or adolescence for nothing, and I can’t stand to live with that thought. But I do wish someone else actually understood what life would be like without any of their socialization or development as a human until 18. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

Today while driving back home I was thinking about how I’ve had the project of writing this blog myself sitting on a shelf neglected for months. I have time today, so I told myself I’d sit down and work on it. I told myself that if I did do it, then it was essentially like earning $10 a month forever, and I’d jump at the chance for that. That’s the exact same thing as me not spending $10 a month on this, and so that should be motivation to get that working. When I sat down to do it, I got it loaded but immediately got overwhelmed with the task and didn’t know how to implement either infinite grid scrolling or some sort of authentication, and so I ended up doing literally nothing for it and closed it. I want to at least work on it a bit to get it working in a basic sense, but I’m not doing great at following through on that right now. I hope to change that.

Yesterday my best was .75 miles, but today I told myself that I was going to mentally overcome any discomfort or pain and just keep running. Surprisingly, I didn’t have any issues with my breath or heart, and eventually stopped because my back was hurting and didn’t want to overdo it too soon. But I ran 1.5 miles! That’s an incredible amount, and I’m so happy how I was able to do it relatively easily. I didn’t even have to sit down after, like when I do sprints. Mind over matter really is real, huh.

I didn’t really enjoy my Friday to be honest. I didn’t really have friends to play games with and so I just watched suits and killed time and it wasn’t great. Oh well.

I was talking with insurance agents today to figure out some more logistics, and it looks like Dada is fine with me getting the car now. I have the cash to buy it in full along with all the fees and insurance for a year, and I’ve tried to account for as many taxes and fees as possible. I was so happy today that I was genuinely squealing to myself and brimming with energy, I was talking with V about it and we were looking over different trim options. I’ve been looking forward to this for over four years now and saving up all of my money for it. Other than V however, no one else gives a shit. I wish someone else was at least a little bit excited for it because nothing hurts me more than being over the moon and then when I let a little bit overflow and tell a friend, I get a “who gives a shit”.

I sent a message to S, telling him to lie to me if he needed to but to be excited with me. I surprisingly feel incredibly alone right now because of this. I was talking to F today and he asked me how much money I had saved up. I didn’t want to answer the question because I realized I felt worried that people would be jealous and upset at me for it. Thankfully he’s not, which is something I appreciate about him. But I worry about the rest of my friends in that sense. It has somehow turned into the same issue with academics, where none of my school friends were happy for me when I did things academically. I’ve always tried to be supportive and take an interest in the things other people are excited about, probably because I know how shitty it feels for that not to happen. I just wish someone else was the same way for me. Fuck, I know what I have to do.

Situation: S responded to me finally telling her that I got the news I’m going to be buying a car soon with a message about something completely different and pointless

Thoughts: It looks like she’s either intentionally shutting down my happiness or doesn’t give enough of a shit about something that matters to me so much that she couldn’t even say a formality or a fake platitude.

Feelings: I feel really fucking hurt, and I feel like the world is almost against me. I feel like all of my friends are jealous or don’t actually like me, because why else would they not share any excitement at all about something that means so much to me?

Behavior: I don’t want to share things I’m happy about or excited about with other people if they’re just going to rain on my parade. I’m just going to keep this shit to myself and romanticize that. Men die alone, and be strong enough to handle that or some other stupid shit.

Thoughts: She may be tired, or not understand how this was me testing the waters to see if people are happy for me or jealous.

Feelings: I feel sad, but I can at least attribute a lot more of it to misunderstanding rather than her flat-out wanting to hurt me.

Behavior: I can go into a conversation without that extra resentment or hurt, so it will be easier for me to not feel defensive. I sent her a message and hopefully, it ends up as a good experience of me being able to voice pain and have it not explode.

See how it works? Good. Do it more often please.

I was feeling frustrated internally because I both wanted to listen to my dad and wait till I graduate to get the car, but also I had no real reasons for it. I texted my dad to ask him to convince me to wait, and he ended up essentially agreeing that there weren’t very good reasons for me to wait for then. I might be able to get the car relatively soon, and that’s incredibly exciting for me. I’m almost daydreaming about it. Might as well enjoy the hedonic treadmill while it’s here.

I was talking with S today about the hedonistic treadmill. It came up because of how excited I am for buying a car once I graduate this year, and how it will become one of those things you get used to and accept as normal. When thinking about some of the questions she was asking, part of me wants to think that I can be content with life and also enjoy the occasional bumps from consumerism or whatever else gives me temporary joy. After all, if I can be content without things and then also enjoy having them, isn’t that just being grateful for things in life? Thankfully I think I’m in a position financially where it’s relatively responsible for me to buy a decently nice car, and so I am not doing something rash. But at the same time holy shit I am excited for it.

I’m feeling several different things right now, but I don’t find myself drawn to any particular ones to write about tonight. Instead, I guess I wanted to talk about what fear is for me. I think it’s the uncertainty that comes along with the future in some ways. It’s the potential for negative outcomes that run somewhat rampant in my mind when left unchecked. I find myself caught by what could happen or what could be so much that I lose sight of the positive outcomes.

Another real fear however is the realization of something bad that has already manifested. Sometimes I struggle with brain fog pretty badly, to the point where I can’t read sentences properly or even talk. I realized that it’s happening right now because I can somewhat put down the voice in my head into words by typing, but I can’t go back and read it and see if what I say makes sense. It’s like each word becomes it’s own independent meaning without any context surrounding it. And through that, everything becomes a haze that I can’t decipher. One of the biggest things I’ve had going for me in my eyes is my mind. That was essentially all I had growing up, and was the only thing valued by my parents. And so, I valued only that also. I am used to being smart, and someone that people see in that light. But I feel dull, like a dusted lightbulb that struggles to stay on. I’m afraid of that. I get fairly self conscious when speaking like this because I’m afraid the sentences I say don’t make any sense. I had a meeting the other day, and I just stayed quiet after speaking for about 15 seconds to pray that what I said was a coherent sentence. I actually get horribly insecure when someone jokes about me being incoherent or saying something unrecognizable. My memory is also pretty dogshit, I don’t even remember what happened the day before or what day it even is. It’s terrifying to lose your mind. Sometimes it feels like that’s all I have consistently, but now that’s slowly fading also.

Nothing exceptional, but I had an idea today while doing deadlifts and so when I got home in between waiting for laundry I tried to realize the idea. It didn’t come out nearly like what I saw, but it was something I was happy with at the end of the day. In full honest, I kept playing it on loop rewatching it because the middle portion just scratched my brain so nicely. I’m happy I learned how to use After Effects, since I’m able to somewhat realize the things I see in my minds eye relatively quickly. And also I accidentally had a lot of stylistic things I found out I really liked, and so I want to emulate those more. I’m happy I did this.

I went ahead and had a lazy day today, where I picked up my meds, went to test drive a Model S again, and then just watched a movie. The model S didn’t feel the same as it did the other day. That scares me, because I’ve been fantasizing about buying a car next year, and I really hope that it’s something that makes me happy. What if it doesn’t? This will by far be the most expensive thing I’ll have done and it is something I’ve been saving up for over 4 years now. I’m scared that it will just become the norm.