An Open Letter

A digital journal

I often worry that my friends won’t like me (or even less so) if they see me while I’m depressed. It leads to me self isolating, and straying away from friends when I am struggling, and often these unresolved feelings get put as either a discord status or as a blog post now. These are my cries for help, as I so desperately want someone to reach out to me when they see them, and ultimately tell me that they accept me for who I am, depression and all.

I can’t really think of any benefits to a friend having depression, but it sure comes with negatives. This feels like a fact of life to me, and so I desperately hide my depression in the public eye. I constantly will make cries for help, hoping people see it and reach out and ask “hey, are you ok?” yet at the same time I so violently fear it.

Claire, if you are reading this don’t worry about reaching out to me. You’ve been an incredible friend, I’m so glad I met you, and I wish I had more friends like you; you’ve been the gold standard of kinds of friends I’d like more of. I don’t want to put pressure on you to reach out, and since you’re the only person who occasionally reads this I hope you don’t feel like this is me asking you to.

I often think that depression is one of the worst enemies, as its your own brain actively fighting you. It’s hard to change your mindset when your own mind wants to hurt you.

Holy shit. I think everyone sees this show at first and writes it off as a fanservice show, but this was an incredible coming of age anime, and an incredibly sweet, healthy romance. I do have things I want to say about the show, but what I wanted to post about was the movie in specific.

For context, the last time I cried was when Tonia ghosted me a year ago; and I just cried 3x during the movie. The movie itself was incredibly bitter sweet, and was a continuation of season 1. But ultimately, I think the thing that really struck me to my core was how much Mai loves Sakuta. I’m just overall love-deprived due to childhood, so seeing someone love Sakuta that much cut me to my core. Typically I’m used to empathizing with feelings of love for other characters during romance shows, but to see someone love you mutually back similarly if not more, that got me. I think its easy for me to forget that love should be a mutual feeling, and the movie really does capture my definition of love: when someone is willing to do something that is strictly bad for them, in the interest of benefiting someone they love.

One other thing that really struck me was one of the main characters saying how they want to be a kinder person every day. I think it’s easy to get by day to day without any sort of goal, and to just go through the motions. But I think it’s important to constantly strive to be a better, kinder person. I’d like to be kind to the people around me more, as my favorite quote goes: “The world is not kind, therefore we must be kind in its place.”

Gambit worked, won first place 😎

Right now Hash is being a little deviant and he’s sitting on my bed trying to take the covers off (and succeeding). I’m glad to have him as my friend, I can always rely on him to be silly, and also care for me at the same time. I should really cherish him a lot more, I’m so glad that I have him; I’m sure he’s glad he has me too.

I think if younger me could see me now, I would be so happy with the things I surround myself with, and so even though I’ve progressively gotten used to it I want to be thankful for the amazing life I have.

Turns out that I’m not just sick, I have covid :(

Thank god nyquil single handedly alleviates Covid as a whole.

So every year Gaucho Gaming hosts a LAN tournament, and I haven’t gone since my first year. Some friends convinced me, so I decided to sign up; the only issue is the prizes for League of Legends is absolute dog water. However, Valorant has corsair as a sponsor with nice prizes, so I decided to sign up.

For context, I had only played valorant for less than 10 hours before in my life, back in the alpha. I ended up playing my ranked games, and got placed bronze 2 (5th lowest rank). After grinding some ranked with a friend, we worked our way down to iron 3 (3rd lowest rank). Now here comes the gambit: teams for the tournament are balanced around rank, so since I’m one of the worst ranks in the game, I should get absolutely GOATED teammates. If I can just try to learn as much as I can to be useful for my team, I think I have a decent chance at making it to the finals, since the top 2 out of the 6 teams will win a prize. The gambit starts at 5pm.

While skating to a class, I saw a girl with very pretty light blue hair and a punk rock aesthetic, and I complimented her on it. She said “thank you” but refused to make eye contact, and I thought it was weird till I realized that this was the person I had my first time with. I think it’s an almost liberating thing to be able to drastically change who we are in such a small span of time, I think that’s such a human trait to be proud of.

It does make me sad

That the dream of younger me

Is now just a day

I ended up going to two office hours, and at the in person one, I met other students who were also struggling with the same stuff I was. I talked with a good friend, and she reminded me that other kids are struggling the same way I am, and they have taken the prerequisite courses, and had been in the class since the start. I reached out to some people to ask for help, got validation that I was on the right track, and realized that I’m fully capable of it.

It’s almost funny how easily I sway from wanting to kill myself to being fully at peace, and feeling good with life. But either way I’m glad I’ve passed the storm!

I’m really worried because I’m starting to think about suicide again, it’s just popping into my head and I’m so scared because it seems like a nice solution. I can’t handle this course. I don’t understand the material, I don’t understand what people talk about when I google it, I don’t know how I’m (if I’m able to) get through this. If I can’t take this class now, yeah I could try to self study and learn the course material and prerequisites on my own, but what if I lose motivation and stop like I always do? I’m not cut out for grad school or god forbid PhD. I want it all to end, I don’t know how I’m going to go on. My chest hurts so fucking badly, I’ve been trying to teach myself the course material I’ve missed over the last few weeks, but it’s not fast enough and it’s not even lining up with the course material. I’m so afraid for myself and for my future. Someone please tell me it will be ok.

Enter your email to subscribe to updates.