An Open Letter

It could be this simple. It could just be that simple.

Today, my wrist was feeling a lot better, but I still took a rest. I spent a lot of time with friends after finishing the tasks I had to do, and afterwards I stayed up just watching YouTube videos because I kept laughing so hard. It’s moments like this that make me realize that being happy could be this simple.

I didn’t go to martial arts today. I won’t go to gymnastics tomorrow, or meet with my friends to play music, or go to the gym to exercise. All of these things are to let my wrist heal so I can go back to doing them soon, but I don’t like what may happen. I don’t want to be depressed. I’m sleeping super late, just staying up watching youtube.

Title’s a lyric from a surf curse song I’m learning. I sprained my wrist, pulled my neck and got a burn on my left leg. I’m mostly sad about the wrist, hurts to do anything really. Too much I want to say but can’t type without pain.

He was such a good boy today. Nothing out of the ordinary, but he is right now cuddled up on the bean bag waiting for me to come back half covered in the blanket. I love him so much.

A told me last week how S invited them to a softball game, and I didn't really want to hear that. The thought I wanted to get out of my head by writing down was how a part of me wants to say that S chose A over me in the breakup – which feels bad given the context I know that I can't really write here in good conscience. I remember when we broke up I asked A to let me have S as a friend and they agreed, but it kinda feels like the opposite happened. The depression wants me to think that A forced her hand, or that S made a conscious decision to prioritize her. I know these thoughts are irrational so I don't give them much thought.

But I think the important part is putting my money where my mouth is; I was talking with R and she mentioned how she sometimes struggles with jealousy over her partner, and how in theory my take is if your partner would cheat, then that isn't the partner you would want. I also immediately acknowledged how for me that only works in theory. To a different extent I think that applies here however.

Independent of cause or scenario, I think I have lost solid amount of feedback on what my relationship with S looks like. I asked them if they wanted to do something for deltopia and they agreed, but and we didn't really communicate and we did different things. Also it's not like we communicate much or frequently given the 2 day delay. So we work out once a week, and if that doesn't happen we don't need to reschedule. It's a pretty low stakes friendship, and so that's the mental model I need to work under. Do I think it would be nice to hang out and do stuff? Yes – but that's given the very important context of them wanting to do that past the barrier for initiating. And so if that's not the case, it doesn't really make sense to hold it in my mind.

I think this reads very negative or passive aggressive, but I really don't hold any negative feelings towards S. I'm just surprised how my brain latched onto this information. Realistically it's just some variation of abundance. S is plenty busy and her social niches are met, and so proximity and frequency of interaction probably accounts for invitation. Like I love A to death, when he came last Friday it was fucking awesome, we spent like the whole day together. I love hanging out with him, but also I have other more accessible friends right now like T and E, and so I do things with them. This parallel makes me also feel like this dynamic for me exists because of the low maintenance for A. If he was more needy or a shaky relationship, it wouldn't look like this. So a nice thought is thats my situation with S also. It's not like I'll get upset at S and make passive aggressive comments about plans or try to force myself in. And so if I was in her shoes the relationship is stable. And so isn't that great? After all it's not like I'm unsatisfied with my social connection right now. So I have to have anxiety and ask if I'm happy and they're happy what's the issue? All that's really weighing on me is the past relationship we had but things change. If things never changed, things would have never changed. I really like that quote because of how stupid it sounds. I'm glad I wrote about this because I feel better now! God what a strange thing to be a brain and to have thoughts and change so easily.

I was super excited today and I prepared everything I could think of to feel strong and good for deadlifts, but I still completely failed my top set. Not the end of the world, but I just wasn't feeling physically the greatest. I played basketball for a bit, but my shoulder was hurting so I couldn't really do much. I just left my spin class and I decided I wanted to actually write about it. It's a relatively small class meant for beginners, and I was the only person in the middle row. Usually the instructors near the beginning say good job to the front back and middle rows, and I'm pretty sure it's something they're supposed to do – but the instructor today said good job to the back row, then good job to the front row, and then that was it. That kind of ruined the rest of the class for me, and I kind of just got more and more sad. On one hand I know that it obviously feels pretty bad to be the only guy in the class, and to be trying your best and every single other person gets told good job – but I kept trying to remind myself to not attribute maliciousness to what could be ignorance. Maybe she just forgot. Or maybe she said it and I didn't hear it. Or maybe she felt a little bit weird saying it because I'm the only person in the middle row. Like I know logically there is no for her to single me out and that it wasn't something intentional. But at the same time even knowing that it still made me feel pretty bad. I kept trying to see it in different ways and reminding myself of these facts and even trying to force myself to smile to trick myself into being happier, but I just couldn't. I kept finding myself striving for that validation, like when she would say to Sprint I would Sprint hard – but the validation never came and I'm pretty sure she either forgot to say it, or already did and I just didn't hear it. But I still kept doing it. Near the end I sprinted so hard my right calf completely cramped, and I had to stop for a bit.

I keep coming back to the fact that it's probably not intentional, but that somehow doesn't make me feel any better about it. I know it means nothing also, but I still feel pretty sad about it. Like I don't really care about spin, but it's more the fact that I'm trying to push myself to do things outside of my comfort zone, and getting what feels like special treatment in a bad way. If there had been other people in my row I would have felt better, but since there weren't I just feel bad.

Tomorrow will be deadlifts in the morning, I’m so excited. I need to prioritize my sleep again, I’m wasting time on dopamine-draining activities like scrolling YouTube. Goodnight! Life’s good right now.

I’ve dropped almost all of my commitments from school, and now I just need to pass this exam and I graduate with my masters. I’m a bit scared, not of the exam of but letting go so much.

Holy shit, I took a half scoop and I was straight up TWEAKING. On my bike ride over, I was amped up so hard I was yanking my bike’s handlebars so hard the front tire kept coming off the ground. I’m so fucking happy I bought it I’ve missed my 400mg caffeine and god knows all the other random shit in it. I’m so excited it take it again tomorrow!