I was talking with E in a call, and it is getting late, but I wanted to hear more about her sharing her childhood. I made a joke, and she said something along the lines of “keep in mind we were in middle school,” and I wanted to share the sentiment of how limiting your belief in yourself comes true. I thought of the post along the lines of imagine if Icarus had died to the ocean spray instead. I tried to talk about it excitedly, but she didn’t hear me and kept talking. I immediately hit the wall, hard. I think it was because I tried to speak, and I was excited to share, and it felt like I got immediately shut down (which didn’t happen).
I like the full story of the myth of Icarus, where he couldn’t fly too high for fear of the wax melting, or fly too low for the ocean spray to make the wings too heavy to flap. Flying too close to the sun is one way to go, but so is not even trying to fly close to it. I have realized time and time again that when I set my goals and give my word to myself to do something unreasonable, I’ve found a way. What kind of life would it be if I stayed near the ocean?
Today I decided to just stay at home and relax, by playing overwatch by myself. I wanted to just unwind and let my body recover, but I quickly remembered how depressing it feels to just mindlessly play overwatch on a smurf account by yourself. I just felt so depressed and lonely that it pushed me so quickly back away from that.
I’m really happy I’ve gotten E to like the gym. Today she even wanted me to watch her play Lillia and Coach her, But in the game she got really frustrated and stubborn again and I don’t really think I was able to do much.
I’m just walking around right now on a break at work. It’s a bit silly to be taking a break because I’ve basically done nothing, just more or less burning time.
E is under an incredible amount of stress right now, and she’s been saying she hasn’t been herself for a while now. I wonder what she’s like then because I’ve had months of my life that look way worse than how she’s holding up. Proud of her for that. One of the things she has as a bit stressed about was sex, and if I put myself in her shoes I get it. And then the next morning when I’m myself I want to point fingers at her to address my own thoughts. And so here I am journaling.
She has a lot of pressure on her for sex stuff because she wants to keep up with me and be “good”. I think she’s incredible, and I realize from myself I get so excited and enthusiastic because I have such an amazing partner that matches my freak. Except right now she can’t really match my freak, and while she’s stressed with stuff it turns from a fun exploration we can do together into something with expectation for her, and the fear of not being able to keep up or be enough. And so I think I should reign it back for her sake. I guess I’m just not sure how to do that sometimes, because when I see her I get excited and just drunk on her beauty. Credit to her, she’s just been that amazing that I feel so free with her. But how am I supposed to see her and not feel that kind of way? It feels like I have to dislike her in my mind to hold it back.
And then another part of me feels some resentment because we’ve talked about how I’d like if she was more forward about finding me attractive. And to her credit she does. But also yesterday while we were calling she started changing, and I immediately get stunlocked. But I take off my shirt and she doesn’t say anything. I know I’m being unreasonable, I can’t expect her to always feel that way or remember to say it. Or understand that I would want to hear it in that context. But like man, I wish I had that effect on her. For her to not be able to control herself around me. I guess it’s because I feel like that would make me feel like I’m just that wanted, and that perfect to her. Or good. I guess one new thought that just popped into my head is what if someone else or something else could rile her up like that. I think I’d immediately feel a pang of something not great. But also I know that’s explainable by 15 different benign reasons. And also a hypothetical.
I feel a bit better putting thoughts down here instead of in the back of my mind. I hope after she’s less stressed things change for the better, but also honestly I’m happy with how things are right now. Even at her “lows” she’s amazing. We’re both just stuck in this mindset of not being enough at times. Funny because we both can’t be right, but here we are. I fear I put so much pressure on her by feeling this way, since she might want to make me feel better by pushing herself more when she’s stressed. Who knows.
I told myself I’d sleep early tonight but me and E just kept talking and I couldn’t help myself. I’m also a bit stressed overall in life right now and I’m neglecting some self care, sleep included. I want to get back into the rhythm of things.
I feel like it’s weird that I haven’t journaled much recently, But I feel like that’s because with E I have had someone to talk to Whenever I want. It’s a weird thing, and I’m not sure if I think this is a change for the better, so maybe I try to put an effort into journal again.