Highway hypnosis has really gotten me. I’m on the verge of passing out right now. I keep finding myself doing these small little act of sweet things for E. We got a funnel cake and I kept finding the pieces without the whipped cream (which hurts her stomach), and I would put them on her side of the plate so that she could take them. It’s weird because normally I’m pretty forgetful but I kept thinking about her condition and what would be best for her on the rides. We’ve got to a point where we spend more than half of the week together, and part of me feels like that’s unsustainable, and another part of me wants to move in so that we can spend every night together.
I think sometimes I can be very difficult in my mind. I think especially for sex. I realized that the safest thing for me is to believe I’m not enough, and that’s a very reassuring thought. That’s safe because I can’t be surprised in a bad way, and I don’t hope. But if I trust E and believe what she says, it’s scary because she could be lying. But if I rephrase it as me being brave enough to believe her and not take the cowards way of insecurity, I feel capable of it.
Work has been super stressful if I’m being honest, I barely get any time to do anything and I’m also mentally fatigued from the constant lack of sleep. I’m going to go to bed a bit early tonight and hope that I can catch up on sleep from that.
Me and E had an incredibly tense emotional night last night, and today was also fairly rough because we were both emotionally beyond drained and pretty close to capacities. But we still spent time today, even though it was stressful for me, and she did not really want to. She told me that the reason she did it is because even though it made her kind of uncomfortable and anxious, she understood that it would be important for reassurance for me. She said that it wasn’t fair that I sacrifice things for her emotional reassurance if she does not do the same. She didn’t phrase it like that or mean it like that really, but I’m too lazy to edit it now so that’s what I’m writing I guess lol. She might not fully understand how to navigate intense emotional situations or things over text yet, but she absolutely puts in effort and cares. Hell, even while she was overwhelmed and anxious and struggling, she still got me the water bottle that she has that I like. I’m scared because it hasn’t even been a month of us dating and I feel incredibly close with her and I care about her a lot and she’s a big part of my life. I hope that isn’t unhealthy,
God, today was rough. I wanted to sleep early and instead got trapped in an emotional nightmare. It’s relatively ok now, as in it’s not the worst case. But I feel like I’ve been injured emotionally and I just pray it’s something that I can grow from and be stronger as a result from.
I think E could be. I’m afraid because it kind of feels like a firework, but everything has been good so far, and all of the things I’ve looked for have been meant. I guess I’m afraid because I’m waiting for it to inevitably crash because that’s what happened in the past, but I guess that’s how it is by virtue of it.
Post nut clarity seems to hit me like a truck, I’ll just be low for no reason afterwards. I talked with E about aftercare, and I realized I kinda just hit a wall there where I don’t really know what I’d even want if that makes sense. It’s such a strange thing, and it’s rough because I can’t tell her something actionable.