An Open Letter

A digital journal



It tasted delicious, and maybe everything always turns out good.

Today was the final day of the big 3, and it went absolutely horribly lol. My last warmup was 315 on squat (my tied PR), and that moved fine. I then proceeded to fail all 3 other attempts, bruising my neck during it lmao. Also turns out S has read this, they brought it up in a very funny way which I appreciate. Turns out I was just doing the whole consequence of the doubt thing where I assumed they didn’t give a shit about my goal, but they had a fully benign explanation of what happened. I’m so grateful to have them.

R – 3 breaths

E – Notice several different situations I gave the consequence of the doubt in situations where it was misattributed.

S – Maybe do some more CBT to dispel these thoughts, I know it works in those situations.

T – From now on either DBT or CBT daily

I guess I’ll keep this a bit brief as I don’t want to stay up too much longer – it’s already 2:10 AM and I still want to meditate and read. The ball is in A’s court, and she has not texted for over 24 hours. I am trying to figure out where I stand in the sense of handling relationships where someone doesn’t initiate ever. I know that it isn’t a steadfast indication of friendships because of C, but at the same time, I really don’t want to be in a relationship where I always have to be the one initiating. K initiates with me, and so I am not exactly sure what I feel. I guess things can just be that however.

Situation – A has not texted even though the ball is in her court and also has not initiated.

Thoughts – If I respect myself I will not do anything until she responds or initiates on her own volition – this needs to be an equal thing.

Feelings – Feel disrespected, undervalued, and like I’m some needy person chasing after someone.

Behavior – Hold resentment and kill feelings preemptively for what could be benign.

Alternatively, perhaps more healthy:

Thoughts – She could just be busy with things, especially because the break is ending. She could also think that she has already responded and it is on me to respond. Either way, I still do think that it is appropriate to wait for a while to let her understand that I won’t permanently initiate and carry conversations.

Feelings – Frustrated, but also more forgiving. I feel like I have value, and this isn’t a direct feedback on how much value I have as a person.

Behavior – I look into other options without limiting myself, and also don’t burn any bridges.

Tomorrow morning at 11 AM I have an interview with Amazon for a SWE internship. I’m definitely nervous but here’s to hoping everything works out and goes well.

Also today, I was in Costco, and I was almost moved to tears several times by some songs – specifically “Piano Concerto No. 2 in C Minor Op. 18” by Rachmaninoff. The song was written after a long depression and was dedicated to his psychiatrist for helping him get out of it. In Costco for some reason today I felt like the world had color again. I was just happy, not because of my year-long goal, but because I was happy.

R – 3 breaths

E – I am worried about my interview tomorrow, especially because I’ve never failed an interview before and so I’m worried about breaking that streak. But also think about that poem you set your bio to:

Never regret thy fall,

O Icarus of the fearless flight,

For the greatest tragedy of them all,

Is never to feel the burning light.

It is better to have tried and failed rather than never try at all.

S – Give it your all, and either way you will have been proud. Either the pressure is gone from failing, or you get a position at amazon lol.

T – Tomorrow morning prepare a bit more, and then get a good nights rest tonight.

And today, with 2 days left I finished it off.

135 –> 265 bench

135 –> 315 squat

165 –> 425 deadlift

for a grand total of 1005 pounds, all within a year of starting the gym!

I technically haven’t pushed squat yet, that will be in 2 days, but no matter what I’ve reached my goal. I didn’t feel any pleasure after it, I was pretty depressed so I felt nothing really. But at least I did it.

R – 3 breaths

E – I hit my unreasonable goal, and I didn’t feel happy or overwhelming joy in any way. I was just depressed, and so pretty much nothing would have changed that.

S – Give it some time, and then celebrate later

T – Be kind to yourself.

I had therapy today at an awkward time so I decided to do it right before I do my deadlift day. I woke up at 5 AM against my will this morning because I was so anxious for deadlift. I ended up coming home to write this and charge my phone, partially because I was on the verge of tears during therapy.

I stopped myself from crying and now I’m apathetic. Or not, just that familiar dulling of everything from depression. How am I supposed to express the pain I feel when everyone’s home with their family and I’m alone more than I thought. There’s too many things I’m afraid of and scared about. There are too many traps I set that have no clear way to beat. I feel like I’m in a game of chess against my own mind and I’m on the verge of loss. It feels that way at least.

My dad said he’s proud of me, and I felt nothing. I don’t think he means it. I guess I don’t know what it’s like to have someone be proud of you. It never registers whenever people say it. It’s a weird combination with the guilt I carry with every thing I do where I’m not bad. I don’t want to share my achievements anymore. I dislike myself every time I do it feels like. I don’t know if I deserve the praise or good things, if it only gets transmuted into fuel to blame myself.

I told my therapist how I wanted to break down crying into my mothers arms, but I can never do that because I would cry about how I don’t have a mother like others. The feeling is so worn it’s not even envy anymore. I just feel longing. It’s almost like something genetic that couldn’t change. It’s like I’ve been paralyzed since birth watching someone run. I don’t believe it could change, and it’s not like my childhood could change either. The thought of talking to your parents as yourself is foreign. I almost want someone to validate it to me. I want someone to see the way I am at home and feel shock to who they see. Those are two completely separate worlds, reality and home. There’s no intersection between them. How is someone supposed to see what it’s like behind closed doors? My parents are good at seeming like normal parents in the handful of cases where they’ve been around others. I wish my parents were always like that. I wish they smiled, and said nice things. I wish they hugged me as a child and all that. I wish, I wish, I wish.

So my one-year mark is coming up soon, and my preparation has all been for these days. Today was bench, and my ORM went from 245->265 lbs! This was 5 pounds more than B thought my max could be, which is a sick thing and I will gladly take it. Tomorrow is deadlift, and that’s the one I’m most worried about. My current plan is 265 for bench + 405 for deadlift would mean 330 for squat which I think I can do fairly easily. Or at least I hope. Oh well no point psyching myself out now, I just need to go out there and rip it! I hope I’m happy with whatever happens.

R – 3 breaths

E – Bench went better than I expected, so now if I can hit 4 plates on deadlift tomorrow I’ll be set. I’m most worried about that, but I shouldn’t psych myself out.

S – Go eat now and get proper rest so you’re ready tomorrow

T – Get off the computer and go eat then sleep lol

Just spent most of the afternoon playing games with S and L, and afterwards me and L stayed up taking random quizzes and talking for like two hours. It’s 2 am and time to go to bed finally, but I just wanted to notarize how I love these moments. I love both of them.

R – 3 breaths

E – A didn’t want to go to get air on a first date, but is interested in a date. This means they have to be interested in me to some extent, and so by proxy that means that people can be interested in me.

S – Accept this as a piece of evidence to go against conditioned thoughts

T – Nothing at this moment, just accept that people can like you

I’ve recently been thinking a little bit more about what I’m willing to tolerate in a relationship – as in what to settle for. I was talking with S today about how my gold standard has been T, who I am starting to consider may be an unrealistic standard to set. I clicked incredibly well with her, but that may be because it was a synthetic personality tailored towards me, so it may be unreasonable to expect someone to click that well with me normally. Obviously relationships are compromises, the same way any friendships are. But I guess the thing to think about is how detached to possibly be in a relationship.

R – 3 breaths

E – I don’t fully understand what A is like, and so I may be idealizing a version of her in my mind.

S – A drink thrown in your face is a person checked off, better to know than not.

T – Set up the date and go on it!

That was a fucking horrible date lol. I think I need to let her down easy somehow. Man this shit sucks.

I honestly think online dating has been pretty depressing, most of the people I've met have seemed very unrepresentative of real life. I think if online dating was the only option I would prefer to just stay single.

R – 3 breaths

E – online dating has shown some interesting people who I feel like I'm compromising for. But also there are people who seem good and promising, so maybe I shouldn't generalized too quickly.

S – Maybe don't put too much weight into it. Remember the real logistics behind it and apply that using bayesian logic or whatever

T – relax and understand the prior before making generalizations