An Open Letter

I find myself still preemptively hiding my meanings behind weird little blurbs of text. I set my status to “propped up” – to refer to the handful of stimulants I’ve been using daily to give me enough energy to not be depressed I guess. Today V and I finally took the random brain pills that were in my desk since the start, since today was effectively the last day we would be able to do that. Surprisingly the pills worked, and we locked the hell in for a few hours. Later we even got T to take one when she came up for a snack.

V is leaving in two days, along with A, K, I, and probably a few others I can’t remember right now. Thankfully T is still here, so that’s one familiar face. H left last week.

In my prior internships and summers, I just spent the time alone. I didn’t make any friends at work, and so I would just do my work and then go home to spend time with online friends where I could. I guess I was resigned to that fate to some extent. This internship I somewhat was going to do the same thing, but V made everything so much easier by adopting me like an introvert. Through him I met so many new people, and made good friends. These friends made everything so much less lonely. And those same friends are the ones who are going to make it so much lonelier when they leave. How does that quote go: “how lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard”.

I’m really going to strangely miss A. I think objectively she hasn’t been a great friend, there have been several things shes done that’s hurt my feelings and made me feel like I was somewhat taken advantage of – but at the same time she was great company and easy to talk to. It’s also nice to kinda see someone who can relate to depression at least. I enjoy talking to her.

I’m going to miss V a lot also. Interacting with him is always fun. I’m thinking back to the times we went test driving, and how he would hold everyone captive in the car as he attempts to kill us all. I always thought that was hilarious. Also our pingpong, I still don’t have the heart to tell him I let him win or get close so he keeps playing with me. He also did beat me at gokarting that one time fair and square which the inner child in me is still salty about. I’m glad to have friends to do things with.

I was talking to Pi earlier because the friends I reached out to were all busy, and I didn’t have it in me to ask for help explicitly. I told Pi that I felt like I had found people who get me at this internship more than I normally feel. I think it helps to be surrounded by people who are also CS or engineering, because they see the world in a similar way. I’m not getting clowned for using words like “heuristic” in a sentence, even though I do think I somewhat should be.

I’m afraid to lose these people, because that means that work will be a lot lonelier for the other 22 remaining days. I’m also afraid because is this what life is doomed to? Time to make another set of friends for one more year before we all move apart and stop keeping contact. I do mourn that sometimes. I think A would love to just rip it up on the highway, but at the same time would be somewhat afraid and look at me with the crazy eyes and make some joke about me trying to kill us both. He’s one of the funniest people I know, and I’m sad that I don’t get to interact with him nearly as much anymore.

This cycle is scary to me, but at the same time I do want to acknowledge the fortune I’ve had from having an online adolescence. My online friends like S, T and L have been with me for years, and it doesn’t matter where we move. I did wish that similar to Didi there was some media that portrayed my childhood. But also how the fuck is that supposed to work? I could not think about a single nice way to have a movie of a childhood on a computer, at least in a film setting. When I said this to A, she said she wouldn’t want to see a film like her childhood, and asked why I would want to. For me the answer popped up instantly, and it was because I wanted to know that I wasn’t alone in that experience. I think it’s almost ironically funny how difficult it must be to find someone who grew up like that, by virtue of the circumstances themselves.

After I tried crying in the shower to get some of these emotions out (I failed), I turned off all the lights except for my computer (which I forgot), and sat under the table on the other side of the room. I set a 15 minute timer, and just thought. Weirdly, that actually made me feel a lot better. It felt like that crushing dread and fear at least shifted. Probably because Hash saw me sitting on the floor and took it as an opportunity to sit on my lap, and once he was bored of being pet, we played some fetch. I’m grateful I’m not alone because I have Hash.

If I’m being honest, I’m afraid of the future. I don’t know how it’s going to go, and my brain has convinced me that I will be alone, since I don’t have faith in my ability to do things like make friends or adjust. It’s a terrifying thing, and I wish that I had the chance to learn that as a kid. But hey, at least I’m good at coding. I have to take whatever victories I can from that childhood.

I guess I’m kinda happy that I haven’t found my community or ideal friends yet, since life is still all in motion. It would hurt a lot to have to say bye to community due to something else, and I don’t know if I could bring myself to do that. I mean I literally was going to deny an Amazon SWE position paying $90 an hour to instead work at my current internship, mostly because then I’d be able to see S and L over the summer, and go on that roadtrip. They not once mentioned the roadtrip, and I only saw S twice lol. S has somewhat moved on and has prioritized her new irl relationships which I can’t blame her for, but it is a pretty big indicator on how things will go once we both graduate. I find myself being the one to reach out, and trying to interact and maintain that relationship. It’s a shame, but I guess I’ll just put it on pause until we get back in person and see how that goes. I guess something to be optimistic about is how happy I am with poor relationships across the board – that’s one perk of having a low bar, I’m happy with so little. I don’t mean that in any bad way at all even though I now see how that reads, but I genuinely really do appreciate and value traditionally poor relationships. I’m just happy to be here I guess, even in a cosmic sense. Once my forearms heal hopefully I can at least get out some of this emotion in the gym and that’ll help.

I went to watch Didi with two friends, And the movie really resonated with me in multiple different ways. I originally planned to write an analysis of some of my thoughts, but when dropping A off we were talking and after sitting in her driveway for a bit I asked if it was fine for me to keep driving and she said sure. We ended up driving for like 3 more hours, and it's now 2:00 in the morning with work tomorrow. Ill hold off for another day, but I do think these 2:00 a.m. talks or something that are worth it.

Thank god yesterday seems to be a temporary thing. I feel more or less better now, Still maybe not perfect, but better for sure. I think getting plenty of sleep helped – speaking of which I should have done today. I’m still sad that a lot of my friends are leaving this Friday because of the semester system, but at least it was a good reminder of how nice things can be if I give things a chance.

Last night my Dad slept over in my apartment since he would take the Prius down to SD to sell. I couldn’t sleep partially because it was way earlier than I’m used to, but also because I was just so depressed. I was thinking about the future and just why I felt that way. Also for the first time in months, I started thinking about killing myself. It was in those early stages, where the thought just pops in briefly – as in “Woah there! Those problems seem very scary. I know a great solution!”

I’m scared of the change that’s happening this week. Most of my friends I made are leaving, since they’re on the quarter system. I also did start getting more afraid or insecure from some of A’s comments rubbing off – like how they mentioned how S would invite her but most likely hang out with the others after dropping them off. Things like that made me feel insecure about my own situations, and it kinda did undo some of the CBT and therapy work that I’ve been doing. But also thankfully I’m in a place where I realized what’s happening and I’m at least aware of that fact.

I think this loneliness epidemic is a terrifying thing, and I understand why people enjoy having housemates now. It’d be nice to not be alone with your thoughts against your will if everyone’s busy. This year I’m going to push myself to again expand my social network.

Whenever I'm tired and unmotivated for a day, I find it hard to write something down here. I feel like I need to have some sort of insight or put down something meaningful, otherwise its a waste.

I got sidetracked spinning in my chair, and I was just thinking about how much I enjoyed yesterday's night out. I didn't even think about it, but that was the kind of thing that I used to dream about. I was with friends and we were drunk just out on the town. I'd like to remember that night, and I want to do it more often. I weirdly feel somewhat depressed because A is leaving this week and they're the person I feel closest to. Last night was the first time we went out and that was fun, and I would have gone more if I had more time. I hope I can find more people to do fun things with.

I just got back from a very long day, but I went downtown to San Francisco to club with a few friends. We missed our train afterwards and so we wandered around for a little bit and went to a Safeway and Taco Bell while both of them were drunk out of their minds and I was relatively sober by that point. I guess I kind of got to live out that childhood fantasy of taking care of friends while drunk. I also did several nice things with no reward or benefit, and I'm kind of grateful for that circumstance because at least then I can say I did it for me. I think I would like to try volunteering to help the homeless.

Holy shit. This car is a sin. In a second on the highway I am at triple digits, and from a red light I can’t even see the rest of the traffic after a few blinks. I’m a little bit terrified of its raw power.

I stayed up once I got home to edit some things, I finally made an idea I’ve been wanting to do for a while and ended up getting somewhat carried away editing something for arcane with the song I talked about yesterday. I actually really enjoyed that, I am glad I enjoy making things.

Wow! What an absolute title out of left field. Let me give a little bit of context to make me negligibly less insane.

I found a new song today: King Park – La Dispute. To summarize the song, it’s a somewhat deep dive into senseless gang violence that caused a kid to be accidentally shot and killed. The song follows the shooter, who eventually gets confronted by the police in a hotel room. The police were afraid to break into the room since the 20-year-old kid who accidentally shot the kid in a drive-by still had the gun with him, and they were fearful of what he would do. They have the kid’s uncle outside the door begging him to come out and telling him how he can be forgiven and make things right with god, and the narrator as a spirit doesn’t go into the room itself to see what’s happening because he feels the weight of murder and is afraid of what will happen. The 7-minute song ends with a tremendous climax – let me just put the lyrics

Then we heard him speak “Can I still get into Heaven if I kill myself? Can I still get into Heaven if I kill myself? Can I ever be forgiven 'cause I killed that kid? It was an accident, I swear it wasn't meant for him And if I turn it on me If I even it out Can I still get in or will they send me to Hell? Can I still get into Heaven if I kill myself?” I left the hotel behind Don't wanna know how it ends

If you feel up to it, I’d highly recommend listening to the song. With all of that poured out of my mind, about the title. Obviously, the death of a kid is a terrible thing. But I was thinking about why I feel that way, and my first guess was because it robs the kid of all of the good parts of life that would come afterward. But to play devil’s advocate – if you saw an addicted gambler at a casino and you had a choice to stop them from playing slots would you? On one hand, you believe that the gambler will eventually lose all of their money and it is a horrible outcome. But also there is a gamble that they could somehow win money in the end, even though it’s unlikely. For me, I think it’s a no-brainer if I had a choice to have them no longer gamble, for their net benefit.

Now if someone truly believes that life is a heavy net negative, for whatever reason, is this not a valid argument? If someone has had a horrible net-negative life, and they kill a kid, could that be potentially done out of pure intentions? Is that not something noble, regardless if it’s moral from our POV. I do believe life is a net positive, but I know and can see the other view, since I used to be there. I think if you believe in hedonism and have any of the countless things that could cause a net-negative pleasure life, then I could see such a thing as a righteous murder.

Let me know what you think in the comments below, oh wait there are no comments. Because this is a blog service I use that doesn’t have a method to add comments. Also because for some reason that makes this all feel performative if I have this be a two-way conversation. If I know that’s the case, then anything I write is under the knowledge that it’s meant to be perceived. At least this way I feel like it’s just another sea of text and thought put down into paper, except for the fact that it’s digital and on a website for fucks sake. I don’t get where this cognitive disconnect happens, since this is somewhat done for others, otherwise, why would I have this on a public website tied to my discord bio? I asked my unconscious this question and other than a faint, flawed thought I came up with nothing. I’m glad I can ask myself things like this.

For the last two days, I haven’t gone to the gym because I wanted to let my forearm heal fully – so instead I’ve just been going to the treadmill at work before I go home. Both days I ran a mile at a 9:13 pace, and it didn’t even feel like I was dying. I had a moment of foresight of how that isn’t going to feel as monumental as it does right now, but I still remember how much I wished and how much I worked for just a mile at a 6.5mph pace. My shins have gotten much stronger, and can sustain running for a while now compared to before. I remember when I first had PT I couldn’t run for more than a few steps before my shins made the pain unbearable. A couple hundred pounds of calf raises later and here I am! I’m really grateful to calf raises, and even though my calves don’t grow it’s a nice thing to be able to go up to anyone on the calf raise machine and work in. There are some massive bodybuilders at the gym I go to, and it’s a nice feeling to be able to warm up with the machine fully loaded.

Also, I got the delivery date for my car! This Thursday it’s coming, and I cannot wait. I’m looking forward to the sound system so fucking much.

Hearthstone buddy season ends today, and this was the last thing we said to each other before logging off for the night. I’m excited to go to Japan with all of them.

My car finally got its VIN assigned; the delivery date is sometime this week, so I am very excited about that! I need to figure out if they approve me for the 1.99% APR, because if not I need to sell stock to buy the car. I should have insurance and everything else sorted out, so I’m excited to get the new car soon. I want to wrap it eventually, but that’s made me think about how money is so disproportionately considered. A wrap would be ~6k for matte PPF, but a trip to Japan with friends for 11 days is 2.5k. It’s a no-brainer what’s a better use of money. A dream computer for me was 1k, with my childhood lottery dream of 3k on a computer. And that’s just the price for a change in color for the car. How crazy relative costs make things.