An Open Letter

Today honestly I found myself getting depressed again, even though I was productive at work and I should’ve had a relatively good day, I ended up just getting home and wasting time until 930 just squeezing out whatever bit of dopamine I could. I eventually forced myself to go to the gym, and then immediately after an intense set of dead lifts I felt rage and energy. Rage, maybe rage would lift me.

I woke up late because I thought no work. Honestly not much to say other than I am happy.

I worry about spending too much time with E, and losing my independence outside of her, for my well-being and social connection. I realized this problem is going to become apparent very soon, when she goes to Texas for nearly a month around Christmas time. I’m a bit worried since that time of the year is already really difficult for me, but then being increasingly isolated is going to hurt like hell, especially after E has become such a fundamental part of my life.

I got back into it recently a bit and E really liked seeing me do them, and even started to learn herself. She would love playing with them and gets super proud when she solves the white cross, and now the first two layers! I got her one for herself, and she’s super happy with it. It’s crazy to have a partner who’s interested in learning about my interests.

We went to the gym together and tensions gone. I think she’s the one.

We’re again going through something, because I was feeling bad about something and she asked and we talked and there’s tension now. We talked more today and she kept messing up but also I think I was not doing well to start so I should have avoided it or done some more self regulation. This drains me.

I got E some dyfne shorts and she looks incredible in them, so good that I felt bad. I felt sad because how am I supposed to feel hot or attractive when she already has such an effect on me but it feels like I can’t do anything similar to her?

I was talking with E in a call, and it is getting late, but I wanted to hear more about her sharing her childhood. I made a joke, and she said something along the lines of “keep in mind we were in middle school,” and I wanted to share the sentiment of how limiting your belief in yourself comes true. I thought of the post along the lines of imagine if Icarus had died to the ocean spray instead. I tried to talk about it excitedly, but she didn’t hear me and kept talking. I immediately hit the wall, hard. I think it was because I tried to speak, and I was excited to share, and it felt like I got immediately shut down (which didn’t happen).

I like the full story of the myth of Icarus, where he couldn’t fly too high for fear of the wax melting, or fly too low for the ocean spray to make the wings too heavy to flap. Flying too close to the sun is one way to go, but so is not even trying to fly close to it. I have realized time and time again that when I set my goals and give my word to myself to do something unreasonable, I’ve found a way. What kind of life would it be if I stayed near the ocean?

Today I decided to just stay at home and relax, by playing overwatch by myself. I wanted to just unwind and let my body recover, but I quickly remembered how depressing it feels to just mindlessly play overwatch on a smurf account by yourself. I just felt so depressed and lonely that it pushed me so quickly back away from that.

I’m really happy I’ve gotten E to like the gym. Today she even wanted me to watch her play Lillia and Coach her, But in the game she got really frustrated and stubborn again and I don’t really think I was able to do much.