An Open Letter

A spent the night here, and it was so nice to have her in my arms again. I was open and honest about things that I wish I knew I could have said way earlier yesterday. She was so kind in the way she handled it, and I cannot say how much I appreciate that. But also there are so many of the issues that still exist that lay just under the surface. I find myself wanting to text her more and more often, and I keep thinking about the things that happened in the past and how they hurt me. I think about all of the complications of the situations that caused so much anxiety and pain for me. I think about how at the end of the day there’s just a fundamental disconnect about what we expect of each other I guess.

She gets hurt by me in comparison because I want to do things to make her happy, and it doesn’t even feel like effort to me. Her happiness is my happiness, and that’s more than enough of a reward or incentive for me to prioritize it. And then this hurts her in a way, because she then gets sad about how she can’t do the same for me. But at the same time then I feel sad because it’s not an answer of “can’t” – but more like a not worth it. And then it becomes “won’t”. I think the bar is so low, but also that’s because of how I grew up and the fundamental differences we have in our approaches to life. I can’t fault her at all, it’s just different circumstances and the ways we cope – it’s not like people really get much of a choice on how they cope, we are just humans handling our first time living anyway. But it does start to make me sad.

Why can’t she take a curiosity into me? Why doesn’t she try to read or watch a YouTube video on how to address issues she faces? One thing she said she loves so much about me is how I understand her, and how I see her fully. And I don’t mean just looking with my eyes, but rather trying to understand with genuine curiosity who someone is, their story, their likes, their quirks, and the things that shape them. I feel alone because I don’t feel that same reciprocation. I guess those are things that I can also work on, at least making it much easier for others; for example I could be more polarizing and upfront about hobbies I have, like maybe I go on a rant about league of legends or overwatch or something equally as embarrassing. Maybe I talk about the YouTubers I enjoy watching, and the things I find funny instead of feeling shame about it and just cutting the conversations short. I know that I’m somewhat of a blank slate to some extent when I feel like someone wouldn’t get it, but at the same time I just have that human craving to be seen. I’m not blaming her because how can I if there are still things that I can work on and control myself? I just feel sad because I’ve spent so much of my life as an observer. My parents never found my suicide note or even knew about it in highschool when I planned to hang myself. And they didn’t even know about the time when I got hospitalized, they only found out when insurance billed them. None of my friends knew either. And I guess I have myself to partially blame for that, I never reached out or told people how much I was struggling, and I never asked for that support. What else am I supposed to do when all throughout my life those pleas were met with aggression?

Like fuck, it’s a shame to get so depressing and dark on something that wasn’t meant to be like this. But I guess everything is connected if you go down enough layers. I want to know that I have a place in the world, and that space would be missing if I was to die. R made a post about how being in a big city was overwhelming and depressing in an existential sense, because you are so insignificant to it. But to me, a city hasn’t changed that at all. You learn how little you matter really quick when you grow up in a small house alone, and you realize how little you’re observed. One year my parents forgot when my birthday was, and that stuck to me for a long time. I told my dad I wouldn’t care if he didn’t show up to my highschool graduation, and he didn’t show up because he had a business trip. I was wrong to say that because when he wasn’t there I felt so unloved. My family knows so little about me, and who else in the world does? I don’t mind having such a vulnerable thing like this journal online because I don’t feel like I’m perceived enough for that to matter. And when I am perceived, I feel terrified because it’s more than I think is possible. Like I don’t remember the last time anyone’s asked me if I’m ok, and it’s not like I blame anyone for it. It’s just unreasonable to expect that, especially if I’ve set the precedent of not really showing my emotions as well as I probably should.

I think the day someone gets me is the day the walls crumble. I think it’s an unreasonable bar to set, but for someone to put in all that time and effort to understand my small mannerisms, to notice the signs whenever I’m hurting, all the little cues I put just for myself, to see how I react, god that would be the day I feel seen. It’s such a monumental task. I think A has taught me that loving me is easy, but that comes from what I can do for them. I don’t know the word for it other than love, but I just pray that eventually I find someone who loves me in a way which isn’t just what I do, but who I am. And I think it’s hard to love me like that, and so I can pray.

She's sleeping over tonight, and we are making plans for her to sleep over on Tuesday again. She just feels like home and comfort, and I don't think this is going to hurt me more somehow. Could that be true.

In less than a week I’m going to be in San Diego in my new apartment, where I don’t know anyone (other than M). I’m even more scared because work isn’t going to start for two weeks, and so I’m going to just be existing I guess. I hope I don’t get super depressed, I know that moving and change like that has been historically a big nightmare for me, but I’m hoping things are ok.

I talked with A, so kinda funny that the whole NC lasted for less than 24 hours. I thought about it a pretty solid amount, and decided that I would like to be friendly with her and stay in touch. Since we aren’t able to have any more relationships due to distance + me emotionally understanding that we aren’t compatible makes me feel like the risk of becoming attached like that is minimal. I felt like I already know that I’m going through a huge life change, it would be a bit easier if instead of having to abruptly stop interacting with A, I can still have that sense of familiarity in some sense.

These last few days have almost felt emotionally numb in a sense. I feel like I’m really hitting that limit of how much someone can cry and feel miserable, and now it’s like trying to squeeze a mostly dry sponge that’s not refilling fast enough with the sadness chemicals. I’m kinda happy with that, I guess, since it’s less miserable for the time being. I should probably go to bed. Goodnight me!

We met at 3 pm, and she just left my apartment at 2:30 am. We talked a lot, and cried even more. I know it was risky to do this, but it went as well as it could have. It hurts a lot, but I'm glad I was able to say a proper goodbye and that we both knew that it ended on good terms. What more can I ask for.

Yesterday night I caved, and against better judgment and advice I tried to call A. It went to voicemail immediately twice and I realized she had blocked me. I then tried to call her on Instagram, and then called her on Snapchat after re-adding her. She then responded on Instagram saying that she was at a birthday and so she couldn't call, and told me that she blocked my number because it was too much for her and she couldn't keep herself from responding.

I told her that that I didn't want to leave things how they were and before we never see each other again I wanted to give her a hug and say goodbye. I also told her how I don't blame her for anything and I'm an incredibly thankful I got to meet her, and how I enjoyed our time together. She said similar things, and said she also wanted to say goodbye. Before we could schedule a time she said she had to go, and so sometime today we should be saying goodbye.

The biggest risk I run is expecting anything. She might say something that I don't want to hear, or she might say nothing at all. She might even say that she changed her mind, and she might just block me and not respond. While I was laying in bed, I tried to just accept those things. If those things happen, it will suck, but I feel like no matter what today will be closure. It may not be great, but it will be the end. And no matter what I really do wish her the best and I am thankful for the time we spent together. I learned a lot about myself and I feel like I got to understand love more. There are also a lot of good memories that I will cherish. I feel at peace.

Sometimes I feel like I see myself in people that I wouldn't say that I want to. For example I remember the character Clarissa Mao. At the time she was a horrible person, and an absolute monster, but sometimes she said stuff that made me feel like I was seen for the first time. Like someone else understood what I was going through. Spoiler alert, people can have their redemption.

Is because I just finished talking with R about the situation with A. There is a lot of nice stuff from talking with her, but there were two things that stuck to me now. One was how she used to be somewhat similar, and it helped so much to see that someone that I respect and I trust used to be someone that did such bad things. Another was how she thought I should be more angry.

The things that A did hurt me a lot, and those scars will stick with me for a long time, even if they aren't bleeding they'll be there. But at the same time, I'm pretty confident that she did those things not to try to hurt me, but rather because she is struggling with her own problems. And how can I blame her – it would be hypocritical. I remember in high school I was a mess emotionally, and I didn't have any real support or coping mechanisms. And so for me that manifested in being super clingy, and probably not a great person to be around. It's really hard to change that when you are kind of fighting for your life by yourself. I know that A has a lot of conflict and problems right now that they are facing, and I really hope that they get better for her. I think she meant it every time she told me how much she loves me, and R agreed. But at the same time she is troubled and I get caught in the crossfire. I absolutely wish the best for her, and I'm happy that I was vulnerable enough to get hurt. But also I need to protect myself and let good things come in. I'll probably be angry again at some point, and I'll probably be sad again at some point, but right now at least I'm enough to feel like I can forgive her, without forgetting what happened. I really hope she can reach a point where she can grow and change as a person for the better, the same way R was saying she did. I feel like I've said the same thing over and over again, but I guess I just want it to sink in. In I love her, but in the sense that I want the best for her without it involving me.

The other thing R talked about was how I should be more angry, or have more hate in my heart. That's not exactly what she said if I'm being fair, but it fits my narrative a little bit better if that's how I retell it and so I will lol. I'm both happy that I'm hurt so much by her, and I'm happy how I don't hate her or really blame her.

I'm happy that it hurts so bad, because that means that I was vulnerable and I trusted her – if you give me the choice between not hurting and being depressed like this and not trusting women like some friends I know, or the option to suffer but leave myself open vulnerable to connection, I'm glad that I chose the latter. It hurts like hell, and it still will for a while because of how much I love her. But I'm thankful that I was able to trust her and be that vulnerable with someone and I hope that I can continue to do that. I am strong enough to endure this pain, as many times as it takes.

I'm also really happy that I don't hate her, because I'd rather accept the fact that sometimes you can get betrayed from people you love and that love you, rather than hate them to point the feeling somewhere else. I'm happy that I am who I am. It took a lot of violence to be this gentle, and that's something I don't want to lose. I hope I continue to go through life with compassion wherever I can. I think being alive in the world is already hard enough, I'd like to hope that I can make it a little bit softer around the edges where I can.

I think it hurts so much because of how much I love her. And how I still love her – just not in a way where I want her in my life. So maybe this pain is a badge of honor to myself. This shows how much I loved, and how much I care. If this didn't hurt, that would mean she didn't matter to me and I didn't trust her, but it hurts and so I do. It hurts like hell, but I will endure as this is the cost of love, and one I am willing to pay.

I think all we can do is have faith and endure. I will love again, and I will be loved again.

Hey. I'm not sure if you will ever read this, but I feel like there's a chance. I know you would read this, and if you're affected by this as much as I am I think I wouldn't blame you.

It's crazy how many little coincidences lined up for us to start dating. I remember that I was doubtful if I was really able to love people, because I had gone on a few dates and I kept calling them off just because I didn't love them but that changed with you. I remember how much I thought about you. I remember how on our first date you scared me by slapping the car window, and how much I jumped and everything I had been thinking about went out. I remember feeling like wow, this is nice. I remember the first time we kissed, it was in my car across from your apartment. The few minutes it took for me to drive home, I was blushing the entire time afterwards. You tasted like cherry chapstick. I remember how much it felt like we clicked.

I remember the first few times things went bad. Sometimes there would be something I would mention that you said that kind of hurt me, and you would start escalating and it started to feel like I had to convince you that I was hurt. I never wanted it to be like that, but I never knew any way how to bring up things without it becoming a fight when I was the one hurting. I know that you never meant to hurt me those when you would raise your voice or escalate things, and that's just a byproduct of how you were raised – but it started to take a toll on me. I remember at the beginning thinking hey, at least with this big argument out of the way we don't need to do that anymore.

The problem is the arguments kept happening. Whenever I would do something wrong, it felt like I was able to give you that space and resolve it. But whenever you did something wrong, it always escalated and I just started to feel more and more alone, and less like you understood me and I could talk to you. I started realizing how it didn't feel like much changed from the first few dates, because however much we clicked, it didn't feel like you were understanding me more. I even would ask you to ask me things, or to to lay it out for you, but even then it would slip your mind and you wouldn't remember. Also when I would ask you certain things for my sake like not mentioning things that I was insecure about and have trauma about, it hurt all the more when you kept doing them. As time went on, I think tension and problems arose for both of us, and for me it felt like you had less and less space for me. You had told me how much you loved me, but the whole time I kept feeling more and more like I didn't matter because even the things I said went unheard.

I believe you that you loved me. But I also think that we weren't in circumstances where the relationship wouldn't take such a toll on me. It hurt me a lot to see you relapse several different ways after we broke up, and it breaks my heart to see the ways you are coping. The part of me that loves you wants to try to help and to tell you and to be there and guide you and hold your hand along the way. But also I know that it's just going to hurt me so much more. Once you go home, I would be left with the thoughts of all the things that I just had to suck up and keep quiet about around you. And it's not just regular problems, but it's the things that you would do or things between us that I just had to be quiet about, because otherwise you start yelling at me. The ultimatums whenever you would do something wrong would make me feel so unsafe speaking with you. It's hard to tell you that something you said minor hurt me when your response is you should just leave. I know you don't mean to do these things, but they still happen. Over time I felt my love for you go away with each thing I had to keep lodged in my throat. And now with the lying and leading me on afterwards, there's too many wounds.

A small part of me wishes that you didn't break the no contact. And that same part of me wishes that I didn't agree to reconnect in that way with you. There will be long lasting scars from the things that you did and the things that you said afterwards. I gave you so many chances, and that's not your fault that's mine. I know that you're struggling and have your vices, and I guess I didn't know that you would lie to me.

I want to be mad at you, and my friends want me to be mad at you, but instead I've spent a lot of time to try to understand why you did the things you did. And I'm no longer mad at you, I'm just hurting from being collateral. I really hope that somehow in your life you realize what is going on, and that you have the willpower to change that. I hope your circumstances in life get better, so that you don't feel like you are drowning in your problems. I hope that it becomes manageable to leave your vices. But I also hope that I don't hear from you for a while. That's the part that hurts me the most, but I think the love I have for you won't let me turn you away if you reach out again. And so all I can do is hope that you don't reach out for my sake. It hurts me like hell to say this, but I don't think that you are in a place to say things to me that won't just hurt me more, and I'm so sorry for that.

I really love you A. I genuinely hope the best for you, and I would want to help you with that if it didn't hurt me so much. And so this is goodbye. I'm glad that you were a part of my life.

Today I finished packing the trunks to shift down to San Diego to move out. Putting things in boxes and started to I solidify the feelings I've been hoping wouldn't really come. Yesterday T encouraged me to unfollow A on social media, because all it would do would hurt me more. Seeing a story, or even just waiting on a text or something like that to break the stability I have. I couldn't bring myself to block her, and so part of me is still going to be anxious waiting for a text come through and open the wound again.

I was packing away clothing that she got me, thing is that I have never worn and don't really match the clothes I would want to wear. But I still didn't even want to think about losing them. Same with the poster that she has hanging above my bed, that she made me for my birthday. There were so many bad things, and we really weren't compatible at the end of the day, so why does this hurt so much? I guess it's partially because there were also so many good things. The good times were good. But the bad times were really bad. I guess I see her as troubled, or at least that's my current view. A lot of the things that hurt me were things that I can attribute to something or other that at the end of the day isn't deliberate or her fault. But I guess this is a consequence of me believing that no one ever does anything bad, it's more them being a victim you love whatever made them do that in the first place. I wish there was some way for it to have gone different.

I wish that when I was hurting, both from something she would do or just overall, that she could have been with me rather than make me feel more alone. God, that's how I spent my last lecture. Let me go ahead and try to write that goodbye letter.

I guess the thing that I'm sad about is seeing her backslide. I looked at the criteria for sex addiction and I think it's pretty convincing at least to make a case for it. I think that combined with the substances that I helped her quit, that she relapsed with. I feel like she's grieving a lot of different things and struggling, and it's ending up with her turning to old vices. It makes me sad that I couldn't save her I guess. I know that I have a savior complex, but ultimately it was a toxic relationship to me and I'm glad that I'm out of it. But I wish that things would have played out differently. Not for my sake I guess. I guess it hurts to see someone that I loved falling into negative patterns that don't like. Seeing them relapse in more ways than one. It's really hard to just I guess turn a blind eye, but at the same time it's not my job and I've been burnt enough. I guess it also sucks that I'm never going to get some kind of recognition or validation for the above and beyond I went to try to help her. I guess that's what love is, doing things for the other persons interest and that alone. I wanted to help her get clean for her sake, even though I knew that we would break up. I absolutely did love her. But I can't stay in this situation that consistently keeps hurting me. I hope that something changes for her and she eventually learns. I really wish the best for her, but I also hope that I don't hear about her again.