An Open Letter

I again didn’t sleep in time today and instead stayed up watching youtube. I’m going to sleep in tomorrow to compensate. Maybe I sacrifice some free time tomorrow night and instead spread out my gym across the day so I can sleep in more. Or I wake up at 10 so I have 8 hours of sleep.

I talked about in therapy how now is the weird stage where I’ve forgotten so much of the relationship, where I forget most of the bad parts. All that’s left is a weird A shaped longing in my memories that I can’t quite place.

I know that I’m lacking in sleep since I’m struggling to form coherent thoughts. I think I’m starting to get addicted to short form videos again, and I should look into stopping again.

Whenever I'm out with new people all I hear is a nagging voice in the back of my head. I'll keep setting up traps for myself where I can convince myself I'm unwanted. I slightly drift away and tell myself “no one would notice if you leave” and that sentence begs to be punctuated by an Irish goodbye. I don't want that voice to be me. But then I'm faced with the question of who that is.

I just got home. Part of me is mourning something I don't know. It's all just chemicals anyway.

I just want to know if everyone else is happy. I look around and somewhat envy them, and I keep wondering if they're happy. Part of me hopes not since then I would be normal for feeling unhappy. I feel like anything I do is to mask that fact that I feel othered.

I think she's out partying. I'm also. I'm drunk. I see a lot of ass right now, and I keep finding myself wanting to instead have her. I miss having her in my arms. I thought I was done with the breakup posts, but I guess it comes in sporadic waves. If nothing else I miss someone that said they loved me. I really loved A. It feels wrong to say loved in the past tense. There was just too much friction I think. I miss her. I'd love to have her in my arms right now.

When I was about to leave, some people asked me to join for a 2v2 game and I told them I was shit but they said fuck it join so I did. I had been practicing how to finish with layups and I even made a fuckin three pointer. I ended up getting like 5 points (first to 7 with 1/2s) and I was so fucking proud holy shit.

I have so much I want to write about this song that I can't do it justice right now in public, so this is hopefully just a preamble.

Basketball shoes – black country, new road

One thing that's stuck with me was a girl sharing how as a kid there was a part of a song that she loved near the end, and how she would ask her dad to play the good part. Her dad would tell her no, and that it was the reward for listening to the rest of the song. Or at least something along those lines.

The end of this 12 minute song is an emotionally bursting crescendo that toys the line of overwhelm. It's one of those parts of a song that for a minute or so gives you the oh so human feeling of pure empathy. I don't know if the artist and you share feelings, or if you both sit in the same feeling in two different sets of clothing. But for a bit you sit together as one.

There's so much more to that I want to write, but specifically I want to briefly ramble about how to kill that magic. Think about if everything came to you the first time easily. When I think of the strongest memories and achievements I have, they were when they weren't guaranteed. When they weren't just in my fingertips. When I had to fight and work for them. I think that's what makes it so sweet.

I think of her dad whenever I restart the 12 minute song for that one minute.

Yesterday and today have been just constant barrage of things hitting me. Too much. It's not even individual events, but it's just a ton of small little things building up and all at once swarming me. I got my ta review from last quarter and it was overwhelmingly positive, with only incredibly sweet comments in the feedbacks. A few of the comments mentioned about how The things that I covered in section and giving little sneak peeks of upcoming material helped out so much, and that was exactly what I got in trouble with today, for just covering something that was brought up the next day in lecture. I have a meeting with her now to have to talk about it.

I wrote down to talk about in therapy next session about my overwhelming sense of regret towards actions in retrospect. I'm afraid of honestly writing down any of the things here just because of I guess the fact that it publicizes something that I want to hide even more. Even just to myself. Like I don't want to acknowledge and face and stew on things that I have done that just didn't go across as I intended I guess. Or sometimes there are people that I don't even consider that have an issue with things I do. But also thinking back I feel like I don't fully understand my actions from other perspectives. And that's one of those things that I guess is normal in life. I don't want to beat myself up about it too much because I mean who the fuck never makes any mistakes and has never done anything they regret. But I still feel a lot of shame and regret.

How ironic this is. So the original community I mentioned, today was pretty bad. It kinda just kept feeling super cliquey and several people just KEPT making pretty rude “jokes”, and eventually after I just decided to not interact for the day and I got mentioned directly, I tried to be friendly and instead got ganged up on and somewhat degraded. I just left, and then I got harassed for a few more hours in private messages. Lovely.