An Open Letter

Work has been super stressful if I’m being honest, I barely get any time to do anything and I’m also mentally fatigued from the constant lack of sleep. I’m going to go to bed a bit early tonight and hope that I can catch up on sleep from that.

Me and E had an incredibly tense emotional night last night, and today was also fairly rough because we were both emotionally beyond drained and pretty close to capacities. But we still spent time today, even though it was stressful for me, and she did not really want to. She told me that the reason she did it is because even though it made her kind of uncomfortable and anxious, she understood that it would be important for reassurance for me. She said that it wasn’t fair that I sacrifice things for her emotional reassurance if she does not do the same. She didn’t phrase it like that or mean it like that really, but I’m too lazy to edit it now so that’s what I’m writing I guess lol. She might not fully understand how to navigate intense emotional situations or things over text yet, but she absolutely puts in effort and cares. Hell, even while she was overwhelmed and anxious and struggling, she still got me the water bottle that she has that I like. I’m scared because it hasn’t even been a month of us dating and I feel incredibly close with her and I care about her a lot and she’s a big part of my life. I hope that isn’t unhealthy,

God, today was rough. I wanted to sleep early and instead got trapped in an emotional nightmare. It’s relatively ok now, as in it’s not the worst case. But I feel like I’ve been injured emotionally and I just pray it’s something that I can grow from and be stronger as a result from.

I think E could be. I’m afraid because it kind of feels like a firework, but everything has been good so far, and all of the things I’ve looked for have been meant. I guess I’m afraid because I’m waiting for it to inevitably crash because that’s what happened in the past, but I guess that’s how it is by virtue of it.

Post nut clarity seems to hit me like a truck, I’ll just be low for no reason afterwards. I talked with E about aftercare, and I realized I kinda just hit a wall there where I don’t really know what I’d even want if that makes sense. It’s such a strange thing, and it’s rough because I can’t tell her something actionable.

Couldn’t sleep last night, hurting. Went on walk and felt better. Now sleep.

I honestly wanna just throw stuff across my room, which is so strange because that is nothing like me. I just kept hitting my legs and screamed along to Great Lakes on my drive over to pick E up. I started to feel better playing with T, but then I saw E got messages from M, and I got nothing. She’s your fucking friend and I’m just a piece of trash to be discarded to the side at will. I’m just the boyfriend that doesn’t exist when E is not choosing for me to. It feels fucking shitty because I know how much being excluded sucks, and I put an e

E doesn’t want me to be too close to M, because they don’t want to feel excluded. They’re at no risk of that. At most they just don’t get certain brainrot that M and I share, but that’s not even like a huge part of my humor honestly. But so they don’t want me to really be close friends with them I guess. But also they want to go on double dates and for us to play and shit like that. And they fucking hang out after classes, shes in her room and they talk about shit and they kinda leave me out, she texts E and not me sometimes, and they ahve their classes and fucking all of that. And so I get fucking left out, and to make it worse, I’ve told E about how that shit hurts me and she still goes and fucking does that shit. I don’t know what the fuck is going on with the thing we care about, and instead they go and do shit without me knowing which is whatever, but at least let me fucking interact with M without having to second guess every action. And on top of it, E sent a message after I told her how I felt bad about how “WOAH YOU WANT TO HEAR THIS HOLY SHIT YOU WISH YOU KNEW WHAT HAPPENED” and then goes missing. After I told her I felt left out. Fuck. And in response to me saying that “wow that actually hurt me, we talked about this” they sent a rolling laughing emoji. And went “HAHAHAH”. Fuck off. And the worst part is I can’t even tell her that I feel bad about any of it because she’s just going to be filled with guilt and then I have to go and comfort her. God I just want my feelings to be validated, and for her to listen and actually LISTEN. Like I told her earlier, and she immediately went and a few hours later herself fucking did that shit. Like I know she doesn’t mean to do anything hurtful but fuck man that shit hurts me. And then who am I supposed to talk to about it?

It sucks because she is excited about having a friend and felt bad about being excluded a bit because of me and M making similar jokes. Got to go.

I hit diamond in all roles today, and I felt like I couldn’t tell others about it. So I played guitar for the first time in a while and just blasted that shit until I felt better. I’m overwhelmed today, and I feel sad because I work 9-5, work out or do hobbies, and then it’s 8 pm by the time I get to relax. And I miss being able to just spend time with people like I could in college. I miss a lot of stuff, and I’m holding nostalgia with caution.

Today we had a “double date” with E, M, and T. It was pretty silly, we got food and then went to 99 ranch (an asian grocery store) and both E and M sat in the carts. We kinda just fucked around the whole time, and afterward E said “this feels like the high school group of friends I didn’t get to have”, and that really struck me. It feels like I got to redeem a part of me.