An Open Letter

I’ve found myself struggling with just nothing for the last few days. I think the winter and stress has gotten to me, as I’ve been floating in this weird haze and it’s been hard to sleep.

had a quick scare that Hash may have eaten an AirPod that E lost, but it wasn’t the case. I got so scared and had to calm myself down. I’m not really happy that I didn’t get any sort of reassurance or care but I don’t need it and I know that she’s stressed also. But it hurts my chest.

So much for sleeping early. I called her briefly at 2 because I already was irresponsible and stayed up, and then I got carried away and here we are. This is my fault, not hers – but wow I’m stupid.

It’s 3:30 am and I’m getting ready for bed finally. It’s so hard to fix my sleep schedule when it’s so easy to get carried away spending time with E, But there are absolutely things I could’ve done differently.

Today was kind of rough, I was struggling with feeling depressed, I think heavily because of the seasonal stuff. But thankfully I cooked, cleaned, and decided to go to bed a little bit early and so I’m excited because I get to read. It also hopes that it’s raining, and it sounds really beautiful right now.

N is an interesting friend because I can never rely on her for anything since she will not respond to any texts in a reasonable manner. I don’t think this is something I can like fault her for but rather something to just accommodate and value her accordingly as.

It's been hard to get back into the gym recently. I’ve had a lot of off days recently and the lack of endorphin rush makes it really difficult. I feel like I'm consistently low on energy and especially with it getting dark so fast it's hard to find motivation.

We got dinner as a group and there was a weird as hell girl there who was being a dick to me for no reason. I felt good because I’m not mad at her and I’m glad I’m me.

Today honestly I found myself getting depressed again, even though I was productive at work and I should’ve had a relatively good day, I ended up just getting home and wasting time until 930 just squeezing out whatever bit of dopamine I could. I eventually forced myself to go to the gym, and then immediately after an intense set of dead lifts I felt rage and energy. Rage, maybe rage would lift me.

I woke up late because I thought no work. Honestly not much to say other than I am happy.