She asked me if I wanted to go to a mountain Park/viewpoint today and I said yes and moved plans around for that. We ended up talking for five hours. We also just drove around a lot talking, walked around the beach, sat on the Bluffs and talked for a while. We talked about a lot of different intimate topics, and got to know each other pretty damn fast. I very much do like her a lot, and I think that she is has a lot of the qualities that I was looking for which is kind of scary because I didn’t even mention them and she mentioned them first. But I also do recognize that I should not blind myself with all of the good things so quickly. I will say however that there were several both good and bad signals.
Good:
She said that she trusts me as a person
We have a lot of things in common and she aligns with a lot of the things that I was looking for
We were able to have a lot of good chemistry in conversation
We have compatible senses of humor
She was being very flirty and doing things like punching me or making flirty jokes
When I made fun of her accent for something she said and then I said how Indian accents aren’t sexy, she said so you think my accent is sexy?
She told me that something I said was hot and it made her flustered
We do align on several core values like kids
Something unfortunate happened because she left her car in the park and the park got locked off, but she handled it pretty well
When I asked her if my car was the one that was left there would she have driven me back 40 minutes, and she said absolutely no questions
Bad:
She did also have a similar length relationship that ended around the same time mine did, which arguably is very recent
She just had to put her dog down, and is emotionally dealing with a lot of grief understandably
We did talk about exes
There were certain points where she indicated that she often asks questions but does not necessarily have an answer prepared herself
We did have a five hour long “date”? That was also mixed with emotional support
I did several bits today that I was very proud of. Also at the gym this old guy pointed to me while talking to another kid and use me as an example for what a good physique looks like, and I got so like flustered and I guess I’m just proud of myself. Also some of my green flags/dealbreaker were confirmed to be good with A, and I really find myself falling for her. But at the same time it’s strange because it feels like I’m falling for her with my mind and not just my heart. Like in a much more controlled and intentional way, and not just because this person is filling up some hole in my life. 60 days can’t come faster.
As I sit here crouched in front of my small heater in my bathroom, I remember what it was like growing up. I spent A lot of my memory crouched by the heater. Feeling that warmth was nice, like a surrogate embrace. I also really like warm showers for that reason, which is ironic because they’re bad for my skin. But I was thinking today how cruel it is that a shower cannot fully engulf me in that warmth. If I was to do that I would drown, and I think there’s something vaguely poetic about that. But only on a surface level, and I think that trope is so worn out that I feel ashamed even thinking it.
It’s weird but expected, I’m right now struggling with the excessive socialization I think. I’m kind of tired, and I feel a bit worn out. I also feel like I’ve lost myself in some ways. Like I don’t game as much as I used to do, not even close. And I think that’s not exactly a bad thing but it is strange to see the difference in myself. I’m supposed to practice smells like teen spirit for my band, but all I want to do is play angst. And I don’t wanna practice the drums like I know I should. I just wanna play guitar because it feels like a proxy for the voice that I’ve never learned how to use. And that’s also ironic because I can’t play the guitar that well all things considered.
Honestly I just want to indulge in self hate a little bit here. I guess maybe because if I do that then it’s a little bit more understandable why I feel shitty even after I did all the things right. I went out with a friend and I signed up for a new event that I was anxious about, and it didn’t go bad at all. But I’m tired. And I feel like the rejection from just being this social and reaching out in this many different ways is catching up to me.
I put a bubble cigarette in my Amazon cart, because I thought it would be really funny as a bit. But I keep finding myself drawn to just the idea of putting that cigarette between my lips. Not an actual cigarette, but just the idea of it is enough to make me want it.
I wish I was able to go to the gym today, like I had enough time to also be able to do that in addition to the event I went to. I feel like when I’m depressed in this sense, the healthiest form of self harm I can do is go to the gym and just take it out on my body. I really do like that pain. I know that it’s not good for muscular growth or fatigue, but I just really like the feeling of pushing myself until the pain is enough to take a forefront in my mind. And it feels so edgy to say it, but I don’t really know how else to describe it. It’s not a bad sort of pain, but it’s more like a physical ringing that continues to get louder and louder until it drowns everything else out. I just wanna get lost in something. I want that escapism. I want some path, and it’s kind of ironic because all things considered my life is not an all bad right now. I guess this persistent sadness that comes sporadically is what got me to where I am so I cannot complain too much.
I spent a lot of time talking with A, and it just feels so natural to talk with her. This feels like the kind of friendship where you just click with someone, but I guess I’m a little bit apprehensive because of all of the things with codependency and such. She mentioned a couple things that checked off some of the boxes that I had, and it kind of feels like she has so many of the things that I was looking for in addition to the things that I know I like. But also I’m not rushing into anything because I know that I at least have 25 more days according to my rules.
I went to a baking club event today, and I saw this one girl I met before that was very pretty and fun to talk to. We finally exchanged numbers so I could invite her to stuff, and at some point I mentioned that she probably only exchanged contacts with my ex, and she said “oh you guys broke up??” Which I responded yes to, and her response to that was “wait my turn to slide?” And I panicked. I responded “no” and probably stuttered something about not dating for a bit, because that caught me so off guard. I’ve been weirdly replaying that moment in my head, because I’m so surprised someone would make that joke unless they were somewhat interested. I guess I do want to believe that I am attractive and desirable and so maybe she was somewhat laying the foundation for flirting, but I may also be reading into it too much. I did meet another person also who had the same name as my prior ex (lol), but we had great conversation and they were excited to hang out. The world may not be as bleak as I thought.
I had an absolutely wonderful day today, I got a full set of drums! Along with a ton of other instruments for my band. I also went to LA for a leap concert, and it was absolutely fucking phenomenal. I got a vinyl signed by all of the members, and photos and got to talk with all of them. On my drive home after watching a video on the benefits of loneliness, I decided to raw dog the rest of my ride home, so I spent 40 minutes with no music or anything like that and I just thought and it was incredibly peaceful.
I stayed up way too late talking with L Since I think both of us struggle with a lot of the same issues, one of those things being people pleasing. It’s kind of nice to have another person’s experiences to clump your thoughts onto to finally form clear takeaways is that you can hold for yourself. People pleasing is not necessarily a noble thing, because it is also destructive to the other person. And it’s nice because framing it like that lets me actually stop it because I recognize it’s a problem worth fixing.
My mind wandered and I thought back to her profile on hinge when I first saw her. A part of me feels tricked in a way with the version of her in my head and the person she showed herself to be. But in writing that I see the parallels to the issue with idealizing a partner. I guess I kinda did that, actually the more I think of it I really did idealize her. She showed me several red flags from the start, and throughout the relationship. She also told me a few times about how she was and foreshadowed things. She also said good things of course and it wasn’t all bad, and I always was able to find excuses to devalue the bad stuff she told me. But there was a gap between her in my mind and her in person. I guess I didn’t really accept her as she is or truly see her since I kept rose tinted glasses on the whole time. I’m not saying it was good or would have worked, I think things would have just ended sooner if I was more realistic. Codependency and spending all your time together truly becomes a drug, and that clouds your mind.
This is gonna be an assorted list of random things that kind of stuck with me that I want to write down. One thing is how while yes it is difficult and rough to feel constant rejection and to be a man pursuing women, I am very much in the minority of being a man that is relatively emotionally mature, successful, attractive, and also wanting to settle down and get married and have kids. There are a lot more women that want that than men, and I would much rather have the agency of pursuing people rather than having to just accept whatever opportunities come my way, and trying to make the most of that. That actually sounds pretty miserable and like you have a lack of control. I want to remind myself that I’m not in that position and that’s something I should be grateful for.
Another thing is that the things that I really want in a partner are not actually that exceptionally rare. It’s not like I’m someone with some really niche fetish or anything like that, and I’ve also learned how easy it is for me to love people. I also know that I do receive a lot of positive attention, and I have had friends have crushes on me in the past. I do not have a shortage of people that are interested in me in my life, and that is a direct result of the work that I’ve done in the effort that I put in and that is something I should be very proud of.
I think I have a disproportionate sense of dread, and I want to be aware of that fact. I think I find several different thoughts that my brain brings up to try to justify it, and all of them have very blatant holes that get poked through quite easily. I think that should be a good indication of the fact that this is just my brain trying to protect me in a way. Feeling like I am alone and I will not find a partner is something that I grew up a lot with, and I think I have that cognitive lens over my experiences in life. But at the same time I was able to find a relationship pretty quickly in San Diego. So it’s not a question of me dying alone or anything like that. And I am pretty young still, and yes there are some people that had very fortunate starting places in life and get to be in very committed relationships or marriages in their late 20s, and it’s not that that’s impossible for me either. But at the same time also recognize that life makes everyone drink their share from the cup of misery. It’s not that their life is inherently better than mine or anything like that. That comparison is something that will ultimately force desperation into something that should take time. And I think it will be something so incredibly beautiful and I’m willing to wait for that.
I spent most of the day with A after work, and it’s nice to just have a good day with a friend. I also do feel like I have been rejuvenated in hope a little bit, because things are not as Grim as I think they are. I think a lot of it just comes from the fact that I don’t have a lot of of the things that some other people do, and because of that I feel like that is how the world is. Because I also have not had enough success yet with finding something like community, I feel like it is nonexistent, but I also do think that because of my lack of it I have developed certain skills that help facilitate this more, and it sets me up for a good future. And I don’t think it’s as rare as it seems. And it’s also not like I’m starving and drowning without any socialization. I do live in a large area that is fairly bustling, and I have a good amount of friends. I’ve let a good amount of grief wash over me, and I guess I can see some future where I can look at certain things and they don’t remind me of her and hurt me in the ways that the grief currently is.