An Open Letter

I loosely made a decision today and I think I chose the right thing but god is it painful. I realized I could show the parts I’m innocent in, or show the parts where I am also guilty. In my mind, the fast decision was to either accept blind reassurance that I was in the right or potentially show my own wrongdoings and risk S and L thinking significantly worse of me as a person. I did the latter, for the following reasons: I cannot learn from a mistake if I do not acknowledge it fully. If I am afraid to show the messages, that is because I have something to hide. And something to hide there means I did something bad. Therefore, I need to confront that to prevent it in the future.

Now the challenge is to stop myself from giving into self-flagellation and stop it from becoming ammo for my insecurities. I struggle a lot with guilt. Like a horrible amount of it. I regret decisions terribly and they haunt me for trivial things. I’m afraid of this becoming one of those things. That’s why I’m here putting so much effort into this post, at least for me. I want to know myself and understand why I am the way I am. I want to change it, frankly.

Situation: A and I had a date, and the date went fine, the notable parts being the conversation was not bad, but also them not acknowledging the fact that I paid for their drink (only $3) or the fact that I picked them up, and that I had planned and scheduled everything. The problem however is after she said some stuff that rubbed me the wrong way, arguably because of rules I had tried to set myself to handle ambiguity.

Thoughts: Because of their past actions, and also a lack of effort I put everything in the lens of them not considering me someone worth putting in any effort into. When they told me to get them something from Trader Joe’s, I decided I wouldn’t do it unless they either asked me politely (saying please) or if they had shown any sort of effort, as then they wouldn’t just be using me for that. They did neither of those things and then said something about how “my value has decreased” to her. That kinda confirmed my fear.

Feelings: I feel like I am simply something she is using, and that the relationship would be transactional. I felt used, and like I was only really a wallet and convenience to her.

Behavior: I handled things worse than I could have. I’m partially happy I don’t really have an option to pursue this further, as I really suck at stopping myself from red flags. But that all being said, I’m pretty ashamed of the fact that my decisions were clouded by my insecurities and fears. I should have taken more time to wait before sending a response, and maybe even getting a third-party opinion, but I didn’t even think that my decision was so clouded. But that being said S could also be wrong, it’s not like they’re the objective ground truth on interpretation either. But also neither am I, so I should have considered both facts. I kinda set everything into a death spiral intentionally under the guise that I wasn’t IF she had handled things in a therapy-perfect way. It is unreasonable for me to expect these things, and so this is fundamentally a mistake I am making that I am at fault for. This is kinda like the equivalent of taking a left turn while the crossing light is turning yellow while a car is speeding towards it. In the correct world, the car should stop and I should be safe. But now I’m sitting sprawled out on the intersection because I set myself up for this crash.

Thoughts: I kinda went into the date already feeling like they weren’t interested in me due to a lack of any sort of initiative on their part, and a lack of any clear communication which led me to interpret things that way. That probably didn’t help at all, as I had everything in the lens of them not being interested in me more than just convenience I guess. The fact that this lens confirms my inherent insecurity means that I should be more skeptical about it.

God, I find myself wanting to scream and claw at myself so badly. I need to be stronger than this. This guilt is eating me alive. It’s this compounded fear with the fact I’ve revealed this shortcoming to people I care about. I didn’t sweep it under the rug like I could have, I put it out for all to see. I showed them it. I feel this guilt eating me alive right now. I feel shame on top of it for even feeling this feeling so intensely. All I feel is people staring at me for this. What a stupid fucking- I have to stop myself here because I will go down this route of self-hate if I continue. I am stronger than this. 3 breaths, then I’ll continue.

I want to be able to recognize when something that is sensitive for me is being triggered, so I can handle things in a way I have no regrets about.

Feelings: I feel bad but in a more manageable way. I feel like I’ve just been hit, but I’m recovering, rather than slowly slipping down the edge of a cliff. I feel sad, I guess and also scared for the fear of being unloveable. I fear for how sensitive I am and how much I feel and how much I’m scared of. But I am whole.

Behavior: Who knows, maybe I allow the Nova effect a little bit more. I guess I also did show myself that just because I was apprehensive the date went better than I thought. I am not a strict overestimate as a heuristic for dates, which is good news. I can sit with this feeling. I can work through this. Put your money where your mouth is, and face these problems rather than subdue them.

I finally decided to just start, and I installed a cracked version of FL studio. It’s such a beautiful thing just like editing to really appreciate the subtleties that pass me by in songs I really love. I can’t wait to toy around with this more. Time to sleep.

R – 3 breaths

E – Roommate got angry and refused to listen to me and was purposefully ignoring my messages. It’s time for me to escalate to the RA’s as he simply doesn’t care.

S – Follow up with RA about this and talk in person about options.

T – Continue to document violations of lease and reach out to RA again if happens without response.

Again sorry for writing this so rushed and late, but it is 1am and I was working on my 1k video which I have been somewhat planning for a while. I need to test if this audio gets removed, but I’m incredibly happy with it! Alright, I should really get some sleep for tomorrow. I had a great time with S and L today, we tried listing 100 women and 100 men and dear god that was terrible LMAO. I love them both so much.

R – 3 breaths

E – Roomate keeps showering with boyfriend even though I’ve explicitly said multiple times I feel uncomfortable, and recently just read my message and did it another 2 times within 12 hours.

S – If this happens again, I will reach out to the RA’s and also the lease does say that only 7 nights of overnight visitors are allowed – and he is past that so I am in the right to be able to say “no more boyfriend moving in :)”

T – Pay attention and keep leaving a trail to document if necessary.

It tasted delicious, and maybe everything always turns out good.

Today was the final day of the big 3, and it went absolutely horribly lol. My last warmup was 315 on squat (my tied PR), and that moved fine. I then proceeded to fail all 3 other attempts, bruising my neck during it lmao. Also turns out S has read this, they brought it up in a very funny way which I appreciate. Turns out I was just doing the whole consequence of the doubt thing where I assumed they didn’t give a shit about my goal, but they had a fully benign explanation of what happened. I’m so grateful to have them.

R – 3 breaths

E – Notice several different situations I gave the consequence of the doubt in situations where it was misattributed.

S – Maybe do some more CBT to dispel these thoughts, I know it works in those situations.

T – From now on either DBT or CBT daily

I guess I’ll keep this a bit brief as I don’t want to stay up too much longer – it’s already 2:10 AM and I still want to meditate and read. The ball is in A’s court, and she has not texted for over 24 hours. I am trying to figure out where I stand in the sense of handling relationships where someone doesn’t initiate ever. I know that it isn’t a steadfast indication of friendships because of C, but at the same time, I really don’t want to be in a relationship where I always have to be the one initiating. K initiates with me, and so I am not exactly sure what I feel. I guess things can just be that however.

Situation – A has not texted even though the ball is in her court and also has not initiated.

Thoughts – If I respect myself I will not do anything until she responds or initiates on her own volition – this needs to be an equal thing.

Feelings – Feel disrespected, undervalued, and like I’m some needy person chasing after someone.

Behavior – Hold resentment and kill feelings preemptively for what could be benign.

Alternatively, perhaps more healthy:

Thoughts – She could just be busy with things, especially because the break is ending. She could also think that she has already responded and it is on me to respond. Either way, I still do think that it is appropriate to wait for a while to let her understand that I won’t permanently initiate and carry conversations.

Feelings – Frustrated, but also more forgiving. I feel like I have value, and this isn’t a direct feedback on how much value I have as a person.

Behavior – I look into other options without limiting myself, and also don’t burn any bridges.

Tomorrow morning at 11 AM I have an interview with Amazon for a SWE internship. I’m definitely nervous but here’s to hoping everything works out and goes well.

Also today, I was in Costco, and I was almost moved to tears several times by some songs – specifically “Piano Concerto No. 2 in C Minor Op. 18” by Rachmaninoff. The song was written after a long depression and was dedicated to his psychiatrist for helping him get out of it. In Costco for some reason today I felt like the world had color again. I was just happy, not because of my year-long goal, but because I was happy.

R – 3 breaths

E – I am worried about my interview tomorrow, especially because I’ve never failed an interview before and so I’m worried about breaking that streak. But also think about that poem you set your bio to:

Never regret thy fall,

O Icarus of the fearless flight,

For the greatest tragedy of them all,

Is never to feel the burning light.

It is better to have tried and failed rather than never try at all.

S – Give it your all, and either way you will have been proud. Either the pressure is gone from failing, or you get a position at amazon lol.

T – Tomorrow morning prepare a bit more, and then get a good nights rest tonight.

And today, with 2 days left I finished it off.

135 –> 265 bench

135 –> 315 squat

165 –> 425 deadlift

for a grand total of 1005 pounds, all within a year of starting the gym!

I technically haven’t pushed squat yet, that will be in 2 days, but no matter what I’ve reached my goal. I didn’t feel any pleasure after it, I was pretty depressed so I felt nothing really. But at least I did it.

R – 3 breaths

E – I hit my unreasonable goal, and I didn’t feel happy or overwhelming joy in any way. I was just depressed, and so pretty much nothing would have changed that.

S – Give it some time, and then celebrate later

T – Be kind to yourself.

I had therapy today at an awkward time so I decided to do it right before I do my deadlift day. I woke up at 5 AM against my will this morning because I was so anxious for deadlift. I ended up coming home to write this and charge my phone, partially because I was on the verge of tears during therapy.

I stopped myself from crying and now I’m apathetic. Or not, just that familiar dulling of everything from depression. How am I supposed to express the pain I feel when everyone’s home with their family and I’m alone more than I thought. There’s too many things I’m afraid of and scared about. There are too many traps I set that have no clear way to beat. I feel like I’m in a game of chess against my own mind and I’m on the verge of loss. It feels that way at least.

My dad said he’s proud of me, and I felt nothing. I don’t think he means it. I guess I don’t know what it’s like to have someone be proud of you. It never registers whenever people say it. It’s a weird combination with the guilt I carry with every thing I do where I’m not bad. I don’t want to share my achievements anymore. I dislike myself every time I do it feels like. I don’t know if I deserve the praise or good things, if it only gets transmuted into fuel to blame myself.

I told my therapist how I wanted to break down crying into my mothers arms, but I can never do that because I would cry about how I don’t have a mother like others. The feeling is so worn it’s not even envy anymore. I just feel longing. It’s almost like something genetic that couldn’t change. It’s like I’ve been paralyzed since birth watching someone run. I don’t believe it could change, and it’s not like my childhood could change either. The thought of talking to your parents as yourself is foreign. I almost want someone to validate it to me. I want someone to see the way I am at home and feel shock to who they see. Those are two completely separate worlds, reality and home. There’s no intersection between them. How is someone supposed to see what it’s like behind closed doors? My parents are good at seeming like normal parents in the handful of cases where they’ve been around others. I wish my parents were always like that. I wish they smiled, and said nice things. I wish they hugged me as a child and all that. I wish, I wish, I wish.

So my one-year mark is coming up soon, and my preparation has all been for these days. Today was bench, and my ORM went from 245->265 lbs! This was 5 pounds more than B thought my max could be, which is a sick thing and I will gladly take it. Tomorrow is deadlift, and that’s the one I’m most worried about. My current plan is 265 for bench + 405 for deadlift would mean 330 for squat which I think I can do fairly easily. Or at least I hope. Oh well no point psyching myself out now, I just need to go out there and rip it! I hope I’m happy with whatever happens.

R – 3 breaths

E – Bench went better than I expected, so now if I can hit 4 plates on deadlift tomorrow I’ll be set. I’m most worried about that, but I shouldn’t psych myself out.

S – Go eat now and get proper rest so you’re ready tomorrow

T – Get off the computer and go eat then sleep lol