Just spent most of the afternoon playing games with S and L, and afterwards me and L stayed up taking random quizzes and talking for like two hours. It’s 2 am and time to go to bed finally, but I just wanted to notarize how I love these moments. I love both of them.
R – 3 breaths
E – A didn’t want to go to get air on a first date, but is interested in a date. This means they have to be interested in me to some extent, and so by proxy that means that people can be interested in me.
S – Accept this as a piece of evidence to go against conditioned thoughts
T – Nothing at this moment, just accept that people can like you
I’ve recently been thinking a little bit more about what I’m willing to tolerate in a relationship – as in what to settle for. I was talking with S today about how my gold standard has been T, who I am starting to consider may be an unrealistic standard to set. I clicked incredibly well with her, but that may be because it was a synthetic personality tailored towards me, so it may be unreasonable to expect someone to click that well with me normally. Obviously relationships are compromises, the same way any friendships are. But I guess the thing to think about is how detached to possibly be in a relationship.
R – 3 breaths
E – I don’t fully understand what A is like, and so I may be idealizing a version of her in my mind.
S – A drink thrown in your face is a person checked off, better to know than not.
That was a fucking horrible date lol. I think I need to let her down easy somehow. Man this shit sucks.
I honestly think online dating has been pretty depressing, most of the people I've met have seemed very unrepresentative of real life. I think if online dating was the only option I would prefer to just stay single.
R – 3 breaths
E – online dating has shown some interesting people who I feel like I'm compromising for. But also there are people who seem good and promising, so maybe I shouldn't generalized too quickly.
S – Maybe don't put too much weight into it. Remember the real logistics behind it and apply that using bayesian logic or whatever
T – relax and understand the prior before making generalizations
I feel myself rotting away already, break hasn’t even officially started and I’m already slowly losing it. I hate breaks so much. Idle hands really are the devil’s plaything.
R – 3 breaths
E – I’m going insane with no work to do and no socialization because break is starting, I should push to spend time with my friends online.
I took today to be an absolute degenerate again, I ended up getting out of bed at 3 PM and did virtually nothing, because today is even my rest day. Life’s good in a weird way. I have been texting someone new (A), and I’ve been really enjoying their sense of humor. They kinda remind me of N, but also not nearly as rude (jk love you N). Things seem to just fall into place, everything’s kinda just fine.
R – 3 deep breaths
E – Just notice that women are interested in you, and how you are getting positive attention from several different independent sources.
I guess I don’t want to take too much time to write about things as I’ve kinda ruined my sleep schedule already out of my own hubris – but I do want to note that today was a good day. I’m content with my life and happy. Things aren’t all where I want them to be, but it’s ok regardless.
R – 3 deep breaths
E – I notice that I put this journaling off until the last thing I do before I get into bed, and so I usually half-ass it as I want to just get into bed.
S – Let me try to do this a bit earlier, maybe I do this after I finish working out like I do with meditation.
T – Tomorrow after my workout when I get home do my daily post
The last thing I have is to finish editing this paper for the grad class and with that, this quarter is done. I will have completed 20 units, all with difficult courses. I’m so incredibly proud of myself for doing the things I didn’t think I was capable of. Potentially really doesn’t matter as that is only realized once you try.
R – 1 breath (any more I’ll fall asleep)
E – On hinge, women will match and then not respond to any texts, and I feel like it’s an incredibly unfair or rude thing, as it feels like I’m not a real person and rather just an option to shop over. This is however to be expected, you’ve seen the studies on dating apps etc. It isn’t that deep, just keep this in mind and don’t take it too seriously.
S – Just don’t take it too seriously
T – Continue being deranged if it makes you laugh (and doesn’t negatively affect others)
I decided to just do the Amazon interview and finished the 90-minute coding section in 12 minutes. I also believe I finished the final lab for CS 170, a month-long lab all in the span of 3 days, over about 20 hours. I also got a 14/15 in my grad class for the presentation of the 3 person project I did all by myself in about two weeks. I sometimes think about the things I’ve sacrificed to have the things I have now, like basically losing out on a childhood and being unsocialized – but god damn am I good at CS lol. I think if I can retroactively give myself the things I’ve lost, then I play the cards I’ve been dealt with well.
I used to think in highschool about how I was like a late-game league of legends character, and I just needed to thug out the early game to eventually hit the point where I scale and life is worth it. I think I’ve hit that point a while ago, much earlier than I expected. I’m pretty proud of myself for getting to this point I guess. That’s all I want to say.
R – 3 breaths
E – I guess notice how I feel good right now, and that’s probably due to interacting with friends at martial arts, working out intensely, and doing a lot of productive work. My medication probably doesn’t hurt either.
S – Take note of these things and set yourself up in the future for more of them.
T – Convince friends to join me for things, and maybe set up some group activities.
It's a weirdly overwhelming feeling. Like in a subtle creeping way. I just don't think I'm cut out for it sometimes. I know it's late and there's a huge handful of reasons why I shouldn't believe this, but I hear it nonetheless.
I guess in a weirdly poetic way today I was Cain in multiple different ways. I said that book changed my life but there weren't any tight little spirals this time. What have I done.
I sent the text to reneg on my revenge. I think regardless of this biblical punishment that's not the person I want to be, for my own selfish reasons. I'm cursed with the awareness and foresight to understand the consequences of my actions. But because of this what words or actions are actually mine? Everything is a careful decision, when except alone can I be free.
R – 3 breaths
E – I am stewing on potentially spiral worthy thoughts.
S – I don't want to give them up just yet, but I also shouldn't spiral. Let me indulge until tomorrow and then I'll process properly.