An Open Letter

A digital journal

Holy fuck Kendrick dropped this morning, and I was genuinely tweaking in my car hours later. I have been fucking QUIVERING with each new double entendre I learn about, this shit is about to be a second golden age, like control part 2. I’m so incredibly thankful to be alive for it.

R – 3 breaths

E – I’ve been struggling to meditate and read recently because I’ve been staying up later, and am too tired to focus at night.

S – I want to figure out a better time to read, and also meditate after workouts more consistently.

T – I can start taking my book with me for my downtime.

To be clear, it’s a temporary suspension – only until the first. I had a habit of joining every server I was invited to because then I’d be able to have access to things I wouldn’t have otherwise without networking. But turns out Discord is not a big fan of a couple of servers, as some random ones got banned for breaking ToS and my account got two strikes. I went ahead and left all those random servers, but either way, I wasn’t able to send any sort of messages today.

Weirdly it was kind of nice – in a strangely peaceful way. I also had a good session of therapy this morning, where I was thinking about my fears with P. I guess I’m still worried about L and S interacting with me less due to having P move in with them, and this all was spurred on by seeing P for the first time and trying to introduce myself, and they didn’t hear me. I guess in a sort of morbid way, I want to remind myself that no matter what I have been able to adapt to have my needs met. I’ve always been able to make some friends in some way, so I don’t have to worry about being truly alone. Necessity breeds effort, I guess.

That being said my therapist was trying to get me to be less of a doomer. Things aren’t the worst-case scenario, no matter how much mental illness tries to construe it that way. I know I like the idea of personifying mental illness, but I wonder if I could give it a cute little name. My first thought was the name Luci, but I love that name too much. I have Kendrick to thank for that name.

I do think that I should take the time to read “the subtle art of not giving a fuck” again when I can – I realized I care too much in life for a lot of things. I can find peace when I accept what’s happening and the things I don’t have control over.

I really like that one Reddit comment – someone had a boss who managed to stay calm always, and they asked them how they did that in the face of all of these other problems. The boss said, “One day someone close to you will be dying, and the rest of your problems won’t seem to matter anymore.” Why should I wait on tragedy for me to find peace?

R – 3 breaths

E – I find my scars of exclusion stretched open by the whole situation with S, L, and P. But also I am catastrophizing consistently – and regardless this isn’t a definite fear at all. I also know that I don’t need to be constantly chosen every single time to be loved.

S – I know that this is an incredibly sensitive issue for me, so I will give myself compassion here; but also there is no benefit for me to mentally self-harm myself by constantly thinking and trying to come to terms with the worst-case scenario. I will let go of this and enjoy the present.

T – I will remind myself that this is a worst-case thought, but also that I should rather enjoy the present instead of living in fear of losing this friendship in the future.

I went on a long walk again today, and I started using my weighted ankles. I only used 2 bars on each side, so it was fairly light but still did start testing my endurance. I’ve been cutting for a bit over a month now, and while I am a lot more shredded and lean, I don’t necessarily think that it’s worth it. I don’t have a problem really doing either, gaining weight or losing it – as in I don’t mind it. But I do feel like the pros outweigh the cons for bulking instead.

I guess instead of DBT I’ll do some pro’s and con’s and somewhat justify the decision I’d like to make.

Pros of cutting:

  • Lighter, more nimble
  • Physically seem much more toned, and muscular
  • Drastically more vascular
  • Abs
  • Less fat on the body, notably on my face
  • Practice discipline
  • Hot summer body

Cons of cutting:

  • More injury prone
  • Less energy
  • Physically weaker
  • Less intimidating
  • Smaller physically
  • More constraints on eating
  • Can’t cook as delicious food
  • A more strict and policed diet
  • No point of hot bod

I guess in my eyes the big appeal of cutting is the last part – but I feel like to me that’s moot. I like the way I look in both aspects, for different reasons – but a “summer” body doesn’t apply to me as I spend my summers online or at some tech work internship. Me having a six-pack doesn’t matter there, does it?

I do think that being less prone to injury is a much better thing, as doing martial arts weekly and jiujitsu sparring has got me pretty beat up. I think I’d like to also have more energy from it.

I also want to get more into cooking in my free time, also because it is financially more responsible. I guess I’d also like to bake more often, I do enjoy baking but also I don’t like the feeling of my friends looking down on me in that aspect. I don’t need to prove anything to them, but I would like to show myself that I am fully capable and able to succeed in anything I put my mind to. So I guess I’d like to bake for myself. But also I wouldn’t mind if I was able to show S and L that I am more than they think, and not someone to look down on. But also I need to see the parallels to T and humble myself – I can only really let myself get drunk on this fantasy if I put in the work behind it and back it up. And I guess I know that a growth mindset is incredibly important, so a more responsible mindset would be that I want to get better and learn it.

I guess I’m kinda convinced in my mind that I want to bulk up. I want to say that this is from a healthy point, and not due to any sort of eating disorder or anything like that. I actually realized after my date with C that I don’t think it’s appropriate for me to say that I’ve had a brush with ED before, for the few weeks where I followed an extreme crash diet, that was more of a silly little experience more than the traumatic experiences I feel like I’ve heard from every woman I’ve talked to. I feel like it’s incredibly disrespectful and naive for me to say “Oh man yeah! I get it!” I don’t have any sort of trauma or negativity revolving around food, and I’m pretty rational in that department, even at my lowest. I don’t want to say anymore that I have any sort of experience with ED out of respect. I wouldn’t want someone to say the same things about my struggles.

I’m happy with myself for writing something with actual substance today, even if it’s tucked away at the end here. I hope I can eventually rewrite this blog in react as my own little project, as now is the perfect time to do that. I’m proud of you and I love you Karyios, goodnight!

Professor M reached out to me and wanted me to join him on a new research project, and the project seems like something I’d be fully capable of doing. But research still terrifies me, and I want to stray away from it.

I also do feel a bit guilty as I haven’t really journaled properly in a while – I hope I’ll get back to doing that soon, I just haven’t had the energy recently. At least I’ll stay with my DBT.

R – 3 breaths

E – I feel overwhelmed about my tasks and things I have neglected.

S – I’ll be productive tomorrow and get things done.

T – Go to bed early for that.

I finally got around to it and set up the Factorio server. I invited several friends, additionally invited N. I think it’ll be a bit interesting, as this seems to be one of the few things we may be able to share an interest in. I am a bit worried however because my other friends are from all different walks of life and I don’t know how well things will mesh. Oh well, time to find out!

I spent a while with T expanding, and I hope we didn’t get too far for S to not feel like he’s a part of it. Oh well.

R – 3 breaths

E – I have a ton of different mini-creative projects that I haven’t started or worked on at all.

S – I want to work on it this weekend, so I’ll just set aside some time to do it.

T – This Sunday I will work on getting some footage for some idea, or I can ask S tomorrow.

I finally got another assignment today, and I binged the entire thing and finished it. I think I’m genuinely addicted to the dopamine from doing assignments. I ended up doing a super cool quirky SQL injection using SQLMAP, along with a custom tamper script to do something incredibly sick. Because of this convoluted mess, I ended up fully circumventing having to decode my flag, which I genuinely don’t know how to decode. But that was fun regardless!

R – 3 breaths

E – I met P, who’s living with S and L next year and they didn’t hear me introducing myself to them. I guess it kinda felt like that was symbolic of me being eventually replaced by someone new, as they’re most likely going to do things like bake together which I had asked if I could join (didn’t happen).

S – I know that this is strongly fueled by insecurity, so I don’t want to give it too much weight; that being said I also should not put all my eggs in one basket and be ok with the thought of being not as close as I thought. I don’t think it’s a terrible thing, and I feel like it’d be kind of clingy to expect this before it happens. Regardless I know that a lot of things can be attributed to other non-malicious things, but it’s still fine to feel somewhat upset.

T – Invest in other areas also and make sure to foster several different avenues of connection. Also talk to therapist about this on Monday lol. Love you!

I think it’s a good indication of how I’m able to get over this fairly quickly, I think in the past I would have stewed on this situation way longer than I did. Instead I just reasonably moved on, and lost no time. Today was the last day I told myself I’d be allowed to mope at all, and I didn’t end up needing to at all. Good job me I guess.

No DBT today because it’s super late and I want to sleep. Goodnight!

I know after T I understood what a firework relationship was – burned incredibly fast, violently intense, and ends as soon as it starts. I guess C was just a reminder about my naivety and an indication of the things I should be aware of. I saw the signs, but I chose to ignore them – so I guess this was kind of a test that I had failed. I need to wake up early so I can workout with S, I guess it’s more appropriate to say so I get to work out with S. I’m glad to spend time with friends. I think I have a lot of thinking and consideration to do which is something I’m thankful for.

R – 3 breaths

E – C blew up in a ball of flames, and it was over a horribly handled misunderstanding.

S – I think it’s a great metric and something to understand that I value – the cornerstone of any relationship should be the ability to resolve conflict more than anything else.

T – I guess for the time being remind myself I can enjoy life single.

We went ice skating and talked for about two hours. After that, we ended up wanting to talk more and just went driving and exploring for a few more hours. I felt incredibly comfortable around them, and I really enjoyed their presence. There are some fears I have I guess, but that’s to be expected. I feel like I’m somewhat entering the unknown, this could go several different ways – but also a rich life is better than a safe one I think.

R – 3 breaths

E – I am a bit nervous about the uncertainty of dating this person, especially with my fear of having an incredibly good relationship that ends up becoming codependent.

S – Maintain boundaries and don’t put all my eggs into one person.

T – Hang out with other friends, like S and L and S and L lol.

MFW I bag a bad bitch (cute funny and clever) by being a silly goose. We have our first date today, and I’m incredibly excited to meet her in person, as she seems like she hits all of my desires in a partner. I can’t wait to see where this goes.

I was up late last night texting with her, and so this morning I slept in. After that I had martial arts, and right after that I went and worked out for like two hours. And then immediately went on a pretty long walk (~2 hours-ish?) and came home ready to sit down and enjoy resting my tired feet. It was a great day. I also had a lot of good thoughts, and I even ended up doing some CBT while out and walking. I am optimistic for the future.

Oh yeah, I was listening to an exurb1a video again, and there was a very poetically beautiful line I liked “Even ogres can tend beautiful gardens”. I think there’s a very nice set of insight there, and I may write about it some other time. I was a bit concerned that since this blog typically talks about negative things this may reflect on me in a biased way – but this serves to be something for me to I guess vent to no one about, and to spur on thoughts on things to potentially address in therapy all in the interests of self-growth. I am happy, and I do think a good reason why is because I allow myself to put any sadness down here, instead of carrying it around with me.

R – 3 breaths

E – I was a bit insecure about my friendships, and the lack of close intimacy recently has let anxiety sow its seeds in the spaces.

S – These thoughts have no basis to stand on, and so are wonderful things to contest. Doing CBT in the moment was a great idea, but also I want to pick them apart and understand them more in therapy today.

T – I wrote them down, and I will talk about them tomorrow in therapy.

Good night, and just because I don’t say this every time I want you to know I really do love you. I’m proud of the work you’ve done, and the resolve you have to improve yourself and grow into a person you are proud of. Good job, keep it up.