An Open Letter

I think it hurts so much because of how much I love her. And how I still love her – just not in a way where I want her in my life. So maybe this pain is a badge of honor to myself. This shows how much I loved, and how much I care. If this didn't hurt, that would mean she didn't matter to me and I didn't trust her, but it hurts and so I do. It hurts like hell, but I will endure as this is the cost of love, and one I am willing to pay.

I think all we can do is have faith and endure. I will love again, and I will be loved again.

Hey. I'm not sure if you will ever read this, but I feel like there's a chance. I know you would read this, and if you're affected by this as much as I am I think I wouldn't blame you.

It's crazy how many little coincidences lined up for us to start dating. I remember that I was doubtful if I was really able to love people, because I had gone on a few dates and I kept calling them off just because I didn't love them but that changed with you. I remember how much I thought about you. I remember how on our first date you scared me by slapping the car window, and how much I jumped and everything I had been thinking about went out. I remember feeling like wow, this is nice. I remember the first time we kissed, it was in my car across from your apartment. The few minutes it took for me to drive home, I was blushing the entire time afterwards. You tasted like cherry chapstick. I remember how much it felt like we clicked.

I remember the first few times things went bad. Sometimes there would be something I would mention that you said that kind of hurt me, and you would start escalating and it started to feel like I had to convince you that I was hurt. I never wanted it to be like that, but I never knew any way how to bring up things without it becoming a fight when I was the one hurting. I know that you never meant to hurt me those when you would raise your voice or escalate things, and that's just a byproduct of how you were raised – but it started to take a toll on me. I remember at the beginning thinking hey, at least with this big argument out of the way we don't need to do that anymore.

The problem is the arguments kept happening. Whenever I would do something wrong, it felt like I was able to give you that space and resolve it. But whenever you did something wrong, it always escalated and I just started to feel more and more alone, and less like you understood me and I could talk to you. I started realizing how it didn't feel like much changed from the first few dates, because however much we clicked, it didn't feel like you were understanding me more. I even would ask you to ask me things, or to to lay it out for you, but even then it would slip your mind and you wouldn't remember. Also when I would ask you certain things for my sake like not mentioning things that I was insecure about and have trauma about, it hurt all the more when you kept doing them. As time went on, I think tension and problems arose for both of us, and for me it felt like you had less and less space for me. You had told me how much you loved me, but the whole time I kept feeling more and more like I didn't matter because even the things I said went unheard.

I believe you that you loved me. But I also think that we weren't in circumstances where the relationship wouldn't take such a toll on me. It hurt me a lot to see you relapse several different ways after we broke up, and it breaks my heart to see the ways you are coping. The part of me that loves you wants to try to help and to tell you and to be there and guide you and hold your hand along the way. But also I know that it's just going to hurt me so much more. Once you go home, I would be left with the thoughts of all the things that I just had to suck up and keep quiet about around you. And it's not just regular problems, but it's the things that you would do or things between us that I just had to be quiet about, because otherwise you start yelling at me. The ultimatums whenever you would do something wrong would make me feel so unsafe speaking with you. It's hard to tell you that something you said minor hurt me when your response is you should just leave. I know you don't mean to do these things, but they still happen. Over time I felt my love for you go away with each thing I had to keep lodged in my throat. And now with the lying and leading me on afterwards, there's too many wounds.

A small part of me wishes that you didn't break the no contact. And that same part of me wishes that I didn't agree to reconnect in that way with you. There will be long lasting scars from the things that you did and the things that you said afterwards. I gave you so many chances, and that's not your fault that's mine. I know that you're struggling and have your vices, and I guess I didn't know that you would lie to me.

I want to be mad at you, and my friends want me to be mad at you, but instead I've spent a lot of time to try to understand why you did the things you did. And I'm no longer mad at you, I'm just hurting from being collateral. I really hope that somehow in your life you realize what is going on, and that you have the willpower to change that. I hope your circumstances in life get better, so that you don't feel like you are drowning in your problems. I hope that it becomes manageable to leave your vices. But I also hope that I don't hear from you for a while. That's the part that hurts me the most, but I think the love I have for you won't let me turn you away if you reach out again. And so all I can do is hope that you don't reach out for my sake. It hurts me like hell to say this, but I don't think that you are in a place to say things to me that won't just hurt me more, and I'm so sorry for that.

I really love you A. I genuinely hope the best for you, and I would want to help you with that if it didn't hurt me so much. And so this is goodbye. I'm glad that you were a part of my life.

Today I finished packing the trunks to shift down to San Diego to move out. Putting things in boxes and started to I solidify the feelings I've been hoping wouldn't really come. Yesterday T encouraged me to unfollow A on social media, because all it would do would hurt me more. Seeing a story, or even just waiting on a text or something like that to break the stability I have. I couldn't bring myself to block her, and so part of me is still going to be anxious waiting for a text come through and open the wound again.

I was packing away clothing that she got me, thing is that I have never worn and don't really match the clothes I would want to wear. But I still didn't even want to think about losing them. Same with the poster that she has hanging above my bed, that she made me for my birthday. There were so many bad things, and we really weren't compatible at the end of the day, so why does this hurt so much? I guess it's partially because there were also so many good things. The good times were good. But the bad times were really bad. I guess I see her as troubled, or at least that's my current view. A lot of the things that hurt me were things that I can attribute to something or other that at the end of the day isn't deliberate or her fault. But I guess this is a consequence of me believing that no one ever does anything bad, it's more them being a victim you love whatever made them do that in the first place. I wish there was some way for it to have gone different.

I wish that when I was hurting, both from something she would do or just overall, that she could have been with me rather than make me feel more alone. God, that's how I spent my last lecture. Let me go ahead and try to write that goodbye letter.

I guess the thing that I'm sad about is seeing her backslide. I looked at the criteria for sex addiction and I think it's pretty convincing at least to make a case for it. I think that combined with the substances that I helped her quit, that she relapsed with. I feel like she's grieving a lot of different things and struggling, and it's ending up with her turning to old vices. It makes me sad that I couldn't save her I guess. I know that I have a savior complex, but ultimately it was a toxic relationship to me and I'm glad that I'm out of it. But I wish that things would have played out differently. Not for my sake I guess. I guess it hurts to see someone that I loved falling into negative patterns that don't like. Seeing them relapse in more ways than one. It's really hard to just I guess turn a blind eye, but at the same time it's not my job and I've been burnt enough. I guess it also sucks that I'm never going to get some kind of recognition or validation for the above and beyond I went to try to help her. I guess that's what love is, doing things for the other persons interest and that alone. I wanted to help her get clean for her sake, even though I knew that we would break up. I absolutely did love her. But I can't stay in this situation that consistently keeps hurting me. I hope that something changes for her and she eventually learns. I really wish the best for her, but I also hope that I don't hear about her again.

I’m sad that she lied to me, and the person I fell in love with was so irresponsible with their life. I’m also kinda upset with myself for how much I tolerated. I should have had self respect and left a long time ago, and should not have tolerated so many things. I’m happy I’m out of it, and the people I’m surrounded by. I’m just so sad that the person I chose and that meant so much to me was that person. I’m happy I loved, but I’m sad it was with someone that was bad to me.

I remember from talking with M how I realized that there were different sets of social rules. He was the only person to tell me that what happened with A was normal, and furthermore, I was the one in the wrong. He turned out to be a WAYY more toxic guy than I thought, but he did have the insights and perspectives from someone in hookup culture that I (and the friends I had asked) did not have. I learned that a lot of the things he said were at least founded in experience for him, and I understood where the things he was saying were coming from; during this I also got pushed farther across the isle from him since I realized how that was not a life I wanted, nor was something I thought was responsible.

This came back last night, when I was reading up on things that led to a page on hookup culture and its norms. Even in the media-friendly article I was reading, the cracks shone through on a full culture that feels like a very slippery route to unhappiness. I talked with my therapist about this more, because putting this into perspective, along with other things that A told me. Obviously, I want to protect her privacy in what she has told me, so I do have to censor myself here a bit compared to just my unfiltered stream of consciousness. I realized I think that A was part of that hookup culture, and furthermore, has gone back to it. I remember during our conversation after a break, when things were heated, she told me how she knew more about hookup culture, and I guess that is the explicit confirmation tied into all the other supporting pieces of evidence. But I also remember how she didn’t want to be a part of it, and how it already started to hurt her, along with the other signs of her wanting to leave that culture. It has made me disgusted, angry, and sad (all at different times), thinking about how she went back to it. Right now, I mostly just feel sad. In therapy today, I was asking her how to understand why someone falls into this cycle, since I was feeling disgust and judgment towards her when I thought about it. After talking a little bit more, I guess those feelings have now turned into this sadness. She talked about how generally it comes as a form of addiction, where someone has some trauma or bad view on relationships or love, and how that ends up leading to this cycle of chasing that feeling, almost like a drug. The leadup to sex and intimacy gives that temporary escape, and also fills that niche – or at least promises to. And then after the act, the hormones go away, and all that’s left is the realization of how this didn’t satisfy those needs for connection or love or anything else like that. And then the regret and shame kick in, until the body gets low enough that it wants its next hit, and the cycle continues.

I guess I’m grateful that I have my issues with sex and anhedonia in a way, because that fall afterwards was steep enough for me to not want to hook up or things like that for a long time. And also, I’m very thankful that I’m in a position in life where I am more or less content – there is no massive hole that I need to fill or some niche that is drastically unmet, bleeding me dry. I then feel bad for A. I know they mentioned how they wanted not to do that kind of stuff, since they understood how it made them feel. And then after we broke up, it happened again, and that’s likely why she reached back out to me afterwards. I think a big consequence of hookup culture is that you cheapen the act of sex, and you remove almost all of the emotional intimacy and connection in return for convenience and accessibility. When A did stuff with the first person, I’d bet that there was a big falloff in expectation going from a committed, caring relationship to a one-night stand. I understand why then at 2 in the morning she wanted to reconnect with me. I also understand why she was so emphasized on “there is a right way to do this”, and how she wanted that emotional intimacy and connection. I guess I still don’t fully understand how she could rationally decide to have her cake (me) by being emotionally intimate and talking about how we wouldn’t see others, but then also eating her cake (inviting and having sex with old FWB without telling me, and then lying about it). I guess I haven’t fully healed past this yet, because thinking about the situation again hurts. Thinking about it more and more leads to those same thoughts of inadequacy. I think a lot of these anxieties come up because I don’t have some other reasonable guess on what she was thinking, and so my anxiety comes up with the worst possible case to try to convince me. This sounds like it would be a great situation for CBT.

Situation – A told me she wanted to be exclusive, and we had set understandings on communication and boundaries. She also had invited a past FWB to her apartment to stay with her, and then initiated sex with them, and lied about it later to me.

Thoughts – I was not enough for her, and she did not respect me or my feelings enough to not do this, or to ask me about it.

Feelings – I feel worthless, and I feel like an idiot for trusting someone I cared about so much. I feel like I am inadequate, and at the end of the day, my only value is the care and emotional support I provide.

Behavior – My self-worth and self-esteem crater. I also second-guess myself in all future relationships.

Thoughts – Ok, I want to really try to put myself in her shoes. I can see the impulsive urge to reconnect with me to be able to still have sex in a way that is special and meaningful, rather than random hookups. Likely, this was because of the bad experience with that one-night stand. I think the needle swung too hard for her, and that was why she was so insistent on being exclusive and trusting with each other. But I also know that she is irresponsible and is struggling with things in her life, and copes in very unhealthy ways. I can see her telling herself that this was just them staying over, and nothing that would be cheating. And then I can imagine during that night her libido makes her horny, and she initiates with the guy and doens’t have the control over herself to think through the consequences of that action rationally. I think this was also facilitated by the person not being a bad person like the last person, but rather someone she had a rapport with. I then can imagine the shame afterwards, of the same cycle of addiction. I can understand why she wouldn’t want to tell me about it, since it’s a lapse of judgment, and if she could go back, she wouldn’t have done it. I believe she also told me that she wouldn’t have done it if she could take it back. All of these lines up with the image of her that I have come to understand, which is someone struggling with several big stressors in life, along with no source of stability or peace. Additionally, substance use and addiction do not help. I can see that none of this thought process involves me or my self-worth, or is any commentary on me as a person. If nothing else, I was the one she did not regret. I can tell that she selfishly regrets losing me from this lapse, and that means that I was something of value.

Feelings – I feel only the echoes of sadness and insecurity. I’m still sad that I was the one caught up in her mistakes and the one who also gets harmed from it, but I understand that this wasn’t an attack on me or my self-worth at all. I feel sympathy for myself for the nights I couldn’t sleep, or the countless hours spent trying to cope and deal with the new anxieties and insecurities. But I know that I am still who I am. And I know that I have worked very hard to be what I think a good partner should be.

Behavior – I don’t have this scar dig into me for the rest of my life. I understand that it was not a reflection of me.

This is not what I expected to write, but I’m glad I did.

I had a realization about insecurity I guess. I think it's pretty well known about exposure therapy to things like rejection or social anxiety. Like for example doing really cringy shit intentionally is always joked about on tiktok as exposure therapy or a lack of fear of social anxiety. And I think it's pretty clear that it works, where exposure therapy will make you get over that fear. But at the same time even if it's such a big problem when someone has an insecurity, for example the fear of rejection, at least for me I don't even consider actually doing exposure therapy for it, and I guess that comes down to not thinking it would work. I was thinking about that a little bit more, and I guess it's because at least for me there's a detachment between my description of the feeling, and the name of it. For example it's pretty easy to say oh yeah rejection is scary, and also this is something that's like I think a universal human fear. And well that's comfortable to say, thinking of what rejection would feel like and what it looks like then evokes like a sense of panic in my head that the word rejection doesn't. Like if I think about not being in a great place and then reaching out to someone and getting disregarded as a human, that horrifies me. Like if I was to actively ask someone “hey is it fine if I join you guys” in a setting where it's acceptable, and I get the response of a definitive no, that would make me feel afraid in a very intimate way that would last with me. Like the feedback that you are not wanted or accepted into some community. Just the hypothetical situation makes me understand what that feeling would actually look like in a way that the word rejection does not. If I convince myself those are the same thing, then I kind of get why that might be something worth actually fixing.

It's almost like my realization with shins splints. I always just accepted that it would be a lifelong problem because I did not know that I would actually be able to fix it. And the ways that I thought I could fix it made it seem absolutely impossible. I did so many calf raises and still struggled so much I just thought I was doomed because that much effort didn't fix it. And then only recently I started spamming tib raises and then I'm now pretty much pain-free. In such a relatively low amount of effort I was able to such a big problem. And I suddenly feel more hopeful. I want to put in effort in new ways for my current insecurities because maybe all of those things are the same. Maybe we aren't doomed to never change.

Today I went to a bar with R and C (and L), and we just got one drink and talked for a while together. I learned more about them, and they learned more about me. I feel appreciated by them and included. I feel seen like a person y’know?

While driving back I felt a sense of fulfillment, like a part of me that had been missing had the edges softened. I felt a bit embarrassed saying it, but I think this may have been the first time I’ve gone to a bar like this with friends just to talk. I loved the experience so much, but at the same time I’m almost hiding this fact because it’s something that feels shameful – I don’t want people to think that I’m weird. I think it’s weird how my friendships throughout life and that whole model has been shaped around online relationships, mostly through Discord for various games. I’ve supported Discord for like 6 years now, and a big reason is because of how grateful I am for it. If it didn’t exist, I wouldn’t have had any way to socialize with people. I feel like it’s something of shame however, even though it was something I didn’t have any choice over. If I could, I’d have loved to hang out with friends. I’d love to go to sleepovers, to go get food with people, to do things like watch movies or god know what else people did. But instead, I got locked in my room and wasn’t allowed to have friends outside of school and tennis practice. I’m so thankful that people don’t understand what I mean when I tell them, because I think I’ve socialized myself online well enough that I’m able to mostly fake it, but there are so many moments where I slip through the cracks and I have no clue what social norms are, and how to act or what to expect. When I tell people that I wasn’t able to really have friends growing up, they just think of me as something other than what reality was. I flat out didn’t ever know how to talk to people outside of an academic setting. I didn’t know what was normal with people, I never got to learn normal body language patterns, eye contact, god forbid any kind of relationship shit. I didn’t get to learn how to connect with people in a private way since all of my interactions were in groups at school or at practice. I never got a chance to escalate any of my relationships, because how could I? If it wasn’t online, there was no way for me to escalate friendships. Think about how for most friendships it starts off as something out of proximity and surface level, but then someone mentions a plan and the other person says yes. Then that continues, then someone pushes the boundary of what’s acceptable to talk about. And it’s a whole snowball from there. Now imagine having to go through life except the answer to every single question is “no” whenever asked. No birthday parties, no hangouts, no staying after school, no getting food, no getting rides, nothing. No family friends either, no family in the same country or that I could even speak to. And so the only thing I could do is play games online when my parents didn’t see me. They didn’t even let us play online games, because they didn’t want us talking to strangers. I had to sneak and hide to do that all behind their backs. And that’s not easy with helicopter parents. It’s a miracle I am who I am today. It took so much effort and grit to become some image of “normal”. I still struggle with it at times, and that scares me. Today was something similar to that, I had no clue what it would be like hanging out with people going to a bar. And now it almost makes me want to cry for something as simple as just being able to do that and be included. And I have to give it up in two weeks to move away. I’m thankful I learned that this is something I can do, so that I am not fully in the dark next time, but still I wish I was able to do this more. I wish I was adopted by some extrovert or something.

I got a bit carried away venting. I’m thankful for the opportunity I got to have today, I hope I’m setting myself up for more good things in the future. Ahh I don’t know what I’m writing anymore.

I think it’s really funny how I’m friends with so many attractive people and how turns out a few of them have some pretty big social media followings, and at the same time I’m wearing random socks, and the most cringe shit known to man. I find it almost beautiful in a way how I’m able to connect and be good friends with people that look so fundamentally different to me. I guess it’s cool how we always have more in common than you would come to think.

I stayed up playing stadium with T and two other friends we made, and we just did not lose with me on tank. I fucking LOVE reinhart, I’ve been doing two different builds and with that I’ve been able to handle basically all matchups. Holy shit it’s so much fun, I’d love to get a full group of people to play with.