An Open Letter

I remember from talking with M how I realized that there were different sets of social rules. He was the only person to tell me that what happened with A was normal, and furthermore, I was the one in the wrong. He turned out to be a WAYY more toxic guy than I thought, but he did have the insights and perspectives from someone in hookup culture that I (and the friends I had asked) did not have. I learned that a lot of the things he said were at least founded in experience for him, and I understood where the things he was saying were coming from; during this I also got pushed farther across the isle from him since I realized how that was not a life I wanted, nor was something I thought was responsible.

This came back last night, when I was reading up on things that led to a page on hookup culture and its norms. Even in the media-friendly article I was reading, the cracks shone through on a full culture that feels like a very slippery route to unhappiness. I talked with my therapist about this more, because putting this into perspective, along with other things that A told me. Obviously, I want to protect her privacy in what she has told me, so I do have to censor myself here a bit compared to just my unfiltered stream of consciousness. I realized I think that A was part of that hookup culture, and furthermore, has gone back to it. I remember during our conversation after a break, when things were heated, she told me how she knew more about hookup culture, and I guess that is the explicit confirmation tied into all the other supporting pieces of evidence. But I also remember how she didn’t want to be a part of it, and how it already started to hurt her, along with the other signs of her wanting to leave that culture. It has made me disgusted, angry, and sad (all at different times), thinking about how she went back to it. Right now, I mostly just feel sad. In therapy today, I was asking her how to understand why someone falls into this cycle, since I was feeling disgust and judgment towards her when I thought about it. After talking a little bit more, I guess those feelings have now turned into this sadness. She talked about how generally it comes as a form of addiction, where someone has some trauma or bad view on relationships or love, and how that ends up leading to this cycle of chasing that feeling, almost like a drug. The leadup to sex and intimacy gives that temporary escape, and also fills that niche – or at least promises to. And then after the act, the hormones go away, and all that’s left is the realization of how this didn’t satisfy those needs for connection or love or anything else like that. And then the regret and shame kick in, until the body gets low enough that it wants its next hit, and the cycle continues.

I guess I’m grateful that I have my issues with sex and anhedonia in a way, because that fall afterwards was steep enough for me to not want to hook up or things like that for a long time. And also, I’m very thankful that I’m in a position in life where I am more or less content – there is no massive hole that I need to fill or some niche that is drastically unmet, bleeding me dry. I then feel bad for A. I know they mentioned how they wanted not to do that kind of stuff, since they understood how it made them feel. And then after we broke up, it happened again, and that’s likely why she reached back out to me afterwards. I think a big consequence of hookup culture is that you cheapen the act of sex, and you remove almost all of the emotional intimacy and connection in return for convenience and accessibility. When A did stuff with the first person, I’d bet that there was a big falloff in expectation going from a committed, caring relationship to a one-night stand. I understand why then at 2 in the morning she wanted to reconnect with me. I also understand why she was so emphasized on “there is a right way to do this”, and how she wanted that emotional intimacy and connection. I guess I still don’t fully understand how she could rationally decide to have her cake (me) by being emotionally intimate and talking about how we wouldn’t see others, but then also eating her cake (inviting and having sex with old FWB without telling me, and then lying about it). I guess I haven’t fully healed past this yet, because thinking about the situation again hurts. Thinking about it more and more leads to those same thoughts of inadequacy. I think a lot of these anxieties come up because I don’t have some other reasonable guess on what she was thinking, and so my anxiety comes up with the worst possible case to try to convince me. This sounds like it would be a great situation for CBT.

Situation – A told me she wanted to be exclusive, and we had set understandings on communication and boundaries. She also had invited a past FWB to her apartment to stay with her, and then initiated sex with them, and lied about it later to me.

Thoughts – I was not enough for her, and she did not respect me or my feelings enough to not do this, or to ask me about it.

Feelings – I feel worthless, and I feel like an idiot for trusting someone I cared about so much. I feel like I am inadequate, and at the end of the day, my only value is the care and emotional support I provide.

Behavior – My self-worth and self-esteem crater. I also second-guess myself in all future relationships.

Thoughts – Ok, I want to really try to put myself in her shoes. I can see the impulsive urge to reconnect with me to be able to still have sex in a way that is special and meaningful, rather than random hookups. Likely, this was because of the bad experience with that one-night stand. I think the needle swung too hard for her, and that was why she was so insistent on being exclusive and trusting with each other. But I also know that she is irresponsible and is struggling with things in her life, and copes in very unhealthy ways. I can see her telling herself that this was just them staying over, and nothing that would be cheating. And then I can imagine during that night her libido makes her horny, and she initiates with the guy and doens’t have the control over herself to think through the consequences of that action rationally. I think this was also facilitated by the person not being a bad person like the last person, but rather someone she had a rapport with. I then can imagine the shame afterwards, of the same cycle of addiction. I can understand why she wouldn’t want to tell me about it, since it’s a lapse of judgment, and if she could go back, she wouldn’t have done it. I believe she also told me that she wouldn’t have done it if she could take it back. All of these lines up with the image of her that I have come to understand, which is someone struggling with several big stressors in life, along with no source of stability or peace. Additionally, substance use and addiction do not help. I can see that none of this thought process involves me or my self-worth, or is any commentary on me as a person. If nothing else, I was the one she did not regret. I can tell that she selfishly regrets losing me from this lapse, and that means that I was something of value.

Feelings – I feel only the echoes of sadness and insecurity. I’m still sad that I was the one caught up in her mistakes and the one who also gets harmed from it, but I understand that this wasn’t an attack on me or my self-worth at all. I feel sympathy for myself for the nights I couldn’t sleep, or the countless hours spent trying to cope and deal with the new anxieties and insecurities. But I know that I am still who I am. And I know that I have worked very hard to be what I think a good partner should be.

Behavior – I don’t have this scar dig into me for the rest of my life. I understand that it was not a reflection of me.

This is not what I expected to write, but I’m glad I did.

I had a realization about insecurity I guess. I think it's pretty well known about exposure therapy to things like rejection or social anxiety. Like for example doing really cringy shit intentionally is always joked about on tiktok as exposure therapy or a lack of fear of social anxiety. And I think it's pretty clear that it works, where exposure therapy will make you get over that fear. But at the same time even if it's such a big problem when someone has an insecurity, for example the fear of rejection, at least for me I don't even consider actually doing exposure therapy for it, and I guess that comes down to not thinking it would work. I was thinking about that a little bit more, and I guess it's because at least for me there's a detachment between my description of the feeling, and the name of it. For example it's pretty easy to say oh yeah rejection is scary, and also this is something that's like I think a universal human fear. And well that's comfortable to say, thinking of what rejection would feel like and what it looks like then evokes like a sense of panic in my head that the word rejection doesn't. Like if I think about not being in a great place and then reaching out to someone and getting disregarded as a human, that horrifies me. Like if I was to actively ask someone “hey is it fine if I join you guys” in a setting where it's acceptable, and I get the response of a definitive no, that would make me feel afraid in a very intimate way that would last with me. Like the feedback that you are not wanted or accepted into some community. Just the hypothetical situation makes me understand what that feeling would actually look like in a way that the word rejection does not. If I convince myself those are the same thing, then I kind of get why that might be something worth actually fixing.

It's almost like my realization with shins splints. I always just accepted that it would be a lifelong problem because I did not know that I would actually be able to fix it. And the ways that I thought I could fix it made it seem absolutely impossible. I did so many calf raises and still struggled so much I just thought I was doomed because that much effort didn't fix it. And then only recently I started spamming tib raises and then I'm now pretty much pain-free. In such a relatively low amount of effort I was able to such a big problem. And I suddenly feel more hopeful. I want to put in effort in new ways for my current insecurities because maybe all of those things are the same. Maybe we aren't doomed to never change.

Today I went to a bar with R and C (and L), and we just got one drink and talked for a while together. I learned more about them, and they learned more about me. I feel appreciated by them and included. I feel seen like a person y’know?

While driving back I felt a sense of fulfillment, like a part of me that had been missing had the edges softened. I felt a bit embarrassed saying it, but I think this may have been the first time I’ve gone to a bar like this with friends just to talk. I loved the experience so much, but at the same time I’m almost hiding this fact because it’s something that feels shameful – I don’t want people to think that I’m weird. I think it’s weird how my friendships throughout life and that whole model has been shaped around online relationships, mostly through Discord for various games. I’ve supported Discord for like 6 years now, and a big reason is because of how grateful I am for it. If it didn’t exist, I wouldn’t have had any way to socialize with people. I feel like it’s something of shame however, even though it was something I didn’t have any choice over. If I could, I’d have loved to hang out with friends. I’d love to go to sleepovers, to go get food with people, to do things like watch movies or god know what else people did. But instead, I got locked in my room and wasn’t allowed to have friends outside of school and tennis practice. I’m so thankful that people don’t understand what I mean when I tell them, because I think I’ve socialized myself online well enough that I’m able to mostly fake it, but there are so many moments where I slip through the cracks and I have no clue what social norms are, and how to act or what to expect. When I tell people that I wasn’t able to really have friends growing up, they just think of me as something other than what reality was. I flat out didn’t ever know how to talk to people outside of an academic setting. I didn’t know what was normal with people, I never got to learn normal body language patterns, eye contact, god forbid any kind of relationship shit. I didn’t get to learn how to connect with people in a private way since all of my interactions were in groups at school or at practice. I never got a chance to escalate any of my relationships, because how could I? If it wasn’t online, there was no way for me to escalate friendships. Think about how for most friendships it starts off as something out of proximity and surface level, but then someone mentions a plan and the other person says yes. Then that continues, then someone pushes the boundary of what’s acceptable to talk about. And it’s a whole snowball from there. Now imagine having to go through life except the answer to every single question is “no” whenever asked. No birthday parties, no hangouts, no staying after school, no getting food, no getting rides, nothing. No family friends either, no family in the same country or that I could even speak to. And so the only thing I could do is play games online when my parents didn’t see me. They didn’t even let us play online games, because they didn’t want us talking to strangers. I had to sneak and hide to do that all behind their backs. And that’s not easy with helicopter parents. It’s a miracle I am who I am today. It took so much effort and grit to become some image of “normal”. I still struggle with it at times, and that scares me. Today was something similar to that, I had no clue what it would be like hanging out with people going to a bar. And now it almost makes me want to cry for something as simple as just being able to do that and be included. And I have to give it up in two weeks to move away. I’m thankful I learned that this is something I can do, so that I am not fully in the dark next time, but still I wish I was able to do this more. I wish I was adopted by some extrovert or something.

I got a bit carried away venting. I’m thankful for the opportunity I got to have today, I hope I’m setting myself up for more good things in the future. Ahh I don’t know what I’m writing anymore.

I think it’s really funny how I’m friends with so many attractive people and how turns out a few of them have some pretty big social media followings, and at the same time I’m wearing random socks, and the most cringe shit known to man. I find it almost beautiful in a way how I’m able to connect and be good friends with people that look so fundamentally different to me. I guess it’s cool how we always have more in common than you would come to think.

I stayed up playing stadium with T and two other friends we made, and we just did not lose with me on tank. I fucking LOVE reinhart, I’ve been doing two different builds and with that I’ve been able to handle basically all matchups. Holy shit it’s so much fun, I’d love to get a full group of people to play with.

I sent A a text for some closure, but also to ask about the last thing that was sitting on my mind. She just read the first text, and then never even opened the other one. The entire conversation was archived for me, so I wouldn’t be constantly reminded or tempted by it whenever I opened my texts.

I sat here not typing anything for a few minutes.

When she first broke my trust I asked her to do something to show me that she was able to think of me, as some kind of action to show that she meant what she was saying. She started to tell me how she had something she was going to give me that I could keep, and how I should give her credit for that – but she never told me what it was. Weeks passed, and it never came, and so once everything ended I’m left wondering if there actually was something. I suspect that it was something like some art project that she wanted to do like the painting she gave me for my birthday, but since it never came I feel like she didn’t actually do it, and that’s why she’s not responding to any of my messages.

I saw something on her story today and seeing her profile picture made me sad. Also I guess the fact that her life is just going on and I was ignored I guess. I think it’s maybe a good trait while also destructive for me to constantly have this optimism that people are able to do for me what I would hope – in this case that being have a proper closure conversation with me and to say the right things. I want to hear something like “I do care about you, but I also have too many other things going on in my life where I don’t feel like I can give you the time you deserve. I feel like I keep messing up, and I don’t know what to say or do, and it ends up just hurting both of us.” and then something along the lines of not seeing each other anymore. While writing that out, I realized how a lot of the core sentiments were captured in the texts she sent. And I got kinda stuck writing that text, because to me if someone was able to communicate with me about that I feel like I’d be able to communicate to them the parts that were hurting me. I find it hard to accept that the problem is that they could understand what I’m asking, and then just forget to ever do them. But also that may just be because they have too much other stuff happening in life, like other problems and stresses. While I’m under periods where I’m a mess and it feels like my life is falling apart it’s hard to be able to be present for someone else like that, and so I guess I can understand. Hurts for both of us for different reasons, but it’s what has to happen.

I hold no ill will against her. Maybe in another life we would have met at a different time, or she wouldn’t have had nearly as much on her plate and there would have been the space to communicate, and it could have been great. This makes me think of the quote, “every drink thrown in your face is one less what-if”, or at least the quote was something like that. I’m glad I found out this what-if, and if nothing else I learned so much more about myself in a relationship.

I’ve been buying so much shit on amazon, getting a head start on splurging with my new job. I’m weirdly not stressed, but also not like fully content right now in life. I feel like a sense of looming anxiety and I’m not fully sure at what – most likely it’s at the massive change that’s about to happen to me. I’m honestly pretty stressed the more I think about it, from the sense of uncertainty that comes with it.

I didn’t really expect to feel this pull, but today once I left friends I felt a bit of that loneliness. I thought about the ideal situation of feeling comfortable with A again, and thought about the best-case scenario of her being sweet and caring to me. I have to remind myself about how that’s not reality, and also how hard it is to even remember the last time she showed that she cared about me. I think it was early on in the relationship when she got me a pack of candy, like sour patch kids. She isn’t the person I’m hoping for, and it’s going to suck but I just won’t have certain niches filled for the forthcoming future. I’ll live, and I’ll be doing better once I move on.

So I think this is finally the end to this whole chapter. I said that I don't think she has enough space or time for me, and so I'll give her space. And then she responded with a couple paragraphs essentially saying we should call it for good and wishing me the best. She also did slip in a couple last mean comments before the conclusion so oh well. It's one of those things where it just fundamentally isn't something she can understand right now, and we can't communicate in a way to bridge that gap.

I feel sad, but not nearly as sad as I expected I guess. It might come and hit me later, but at least I've talked to friends, I pushed myself pretty hard at the gym and then played basketball for a while which helped my mood for sure. And then R and C invited me to a concert at someone's house and so I'm right now waiting in the car for them to arrive because I don't want to go in by myself. I also called V and we talked for just a little bit, but it was nice to hear his voice. I think the lesson I want to learn here is instead of constantly hoping for the best, being somewhat realistic and paying attention to patterns and how things are going. I dragged this out way longer than it needed to be because I kept thinking that she could change, and so I would give her another chance again and again. I think this is the loyalty to a fault, I just didn't want to believe that they weren't going to change.

Change is such a weird thing, because to me I feel like so much of it is just effort. Ultimately it feels like that was what I was asking, for her to show some kind of effort to be better, I never expected her to be perfect or anything like that – but at least I wanted to see that she didn't want to keep hurting me. But that kind of didn't happen. I would pretty much have to beg her to do half-assed things to show that she cares about me as a person, and even then she wouldn't do them. I don't think that's what love is supposed to be like, it feels really weird because she says she loves me and I haven't loved her for a bit. But at the same time I'm the one always giving to her and it's a one-sided thing, which is so strange to me because typically it should be the person that loves that's giving.

While driving over, I was thinking about how there is a difference between love and want. I think a lot of what was going on in A's head was want more than love. I think she wanted the emotional stability, and support that I provided. I think she also wanted to believe that she was a good person and in a good spot emotionally. Whenever that illusion would falter a little bit, she would become incredibly defensive and would end up kind of just trying to act like it wasn't happening. It's kind of ironic because I think the healthy way to address that would have been acknowledging whenever she makes a mistake the same way everyone does, after all we are human. I also think about the statement “it takes two to argue”, and I realized how in the relationship that really wasn't the case. It's not that we were getting in arguments, it was more a one-sided yelling match. Anytime I would try to speak about my feelings or ask her to do something slightly different, it would end up with her yelling at me, raising her tone, cutting me off, and unintentionally doing a lot of manipulative things. She would say things like “I guess I should just leave and I can leave your life if I'm that bad”, or she would keep moving goal posts, or changing the topic, and making quick little snarky remarks without giving me a chance to respond to them. I'm happy that for most of the relationship I wasn't raising my tone back or anything like that, but for better or for worse I started to stick up for myself more and would match her energy later on. I think I still don't like that, but I'm glad at least I was able to try that on to see that I don't.

Another thing that I saw online that I really liked was someone saying “I understand why you did what you did, and I understand the motivation for it. But at the same time if the positions were swapped, I would not do that to you, and that is the problem.” I think that made some more things click for me, or at least put them in perspective. I would often understand why she would do the things that she would, but then I would end up at a weird emotional impasse where I would not know where to put the hurt that I was feeling, because typically I was on the end of those decisions. And I guess this is just an incompatibility thing. Someone can be justified in their own decisions, but as the recipient of some of the consequences I fully am within my rights to leave. I hope that my next and future relationships are more aligned with my morals.

I think it's kind of weird because I just remembered cuddling with her when the relationship was still good, and that was early on before I realized I couldn't communicate anything with her. I want to hold on to that feeling of love and safety. I want to have that again in the future, and for that I need to I guess want it. If I don't want it how am I going to put myself out there, and risk hurt again. I'm kind of glad I'm not that emotionally pain averse, because even though this ended up messy I think I came out okay, and I'm still glad that I did it if nothing else to learn. This has helped me understand what it means to be loved more, by the absence of it.

I think it's kind of funny when I turned on my voice to text to start rambling, all I really let out was a really big sigh. The whole situation with A a has got me kind of fucked up right now in a kind of mild way. It also doesn't help that my wrist is still sprained, and I fractured my toe on my right foot. But at least for the first time in a while I was able to actually work out today. Didn't feel great, but at least I did it.

I realized with A at the end of the day I'm really not a priority. In the moment when she doesn't want to lose me, she will say all these things that make me feel like I am a priority and that she will change, but it just won't happen at least in the short term. I guess the reason why I feel like I can say this, is because I know what I would do in her situation and I see the stark contrast between what I think is reasonable and what she is doing. I've been on the hook with promises of change and actions that she can do to show me that I can trust her and feel comfortable with her, and then I just sit there waiting for something that'll never come. It does feel like I'm on the string, with this whole time me telling myself that I'm in control about what I feel comfortable with and making sure this whole situation is something that is good. But I think I have to kind of come to terms with the fact that sweet nothings are just that, and talk is cheap. I think it does suck to kind of find out that you're being lied to, in the sense of someone isn't actually willing to do the things that they say they will. But writing it down finally I feel like I'm free from that. I think it really hurt the other day because when we finally did it again, she said something that we had talked about earlier that I feel really uncomfortable with. And then she kind of just became really selfish again, and so that's when I was just happy that she's leaving because I didn't really feel comfortable around her. And then I had to drive her to the hospital and stay by her side for an extra four hours. I'm really sad that I lost one of the few days I had with S left. But at the end of the day I guess me and her are kind of just acquaintances which sucks for its own reasons but oh well. Or at least distant friends. I think I feel kind of alone in moments like this, or are at least that's what I'm feeling right now. It feels like a lot of my mental bandwidth is directed towards people that don't really I guess prioritize me in some way. And I hope this doesn't come off as me saying that I need to be some kind of princess treatment or something like that, but rather that I would hope that friends would put in effort to interact with me, and also care about my feelings. Like I know that E does, at least in the way of initiating both conversations and hangouts which I really appreciate. I think this is kind of the problem of being the initiator friend because some people are just really confident with that – but not me. It was more learned because I wanted to have more control over my socialization. But it still sucks because at the end of the day I really want my friends to want to interact with me, and I feel that most when they initiate or try to make plans.

I think arguably as important, I think friendship should be a two-way street. I think it's fucked up one person does shitty things, and then it's expected to just forgive that and keep giving to them. I have a decent amount of friends that aren't really emotionally mature or are kind of shitty at times. But they also make up for it in different ways, whether that's trying to show that in their own ways, or initiating and making me feel valued. At the end of the day it's not like it's equivalent, but I am completely happy with that because to me it feels like someone at least feels bad for when they do bad things. I know some friendships exist where both people are shitty, and it's kind of just a tit for tat situation and since both people dish it, they both just accept it after some time. I feel like that's the kind of relationship that A needs. Like if someone's shitty to her back, or says or does things that are like hurtful from negligence, maybe that's something she would be able to sustain. Because it's kind of clear that she cannot take accountability or make up for her mistakes when she makes them. And it kind of consistently feels like she takes for granted and isn't appreciative of a lot of things. I know that everyone is at different stages and has their own problems, myself included, but I feel like this dynamic really takes a toll on me. I value being kind, generous and empathetic and I don't want to change those values. But at the same time, that ends up making me feel really shitty when those things are kind of taken for granted and never reciprocated, because I think I also want/expect those things in return. I'm not really good at the relationships where you kind of just sweep problems under the rug, and I'm pretty sure that's what she's used to.

I'm kind of happy that depression has the side effect of shitty memory, because I've forgotten a lot of the hurt from her. I think that's a good thing because that means maybe I've processed it, because whenever I think back to it it doesn't really sting (except for the new stuff). But I'm also happy that this whole relationship happened, because to me that's a sign that first of all I can love such an incompatible person. And so I think if I have someone that respects me and can communicate, that means I can absolutely love them in a sustainable way which is nice. That means that I'm not really limited to the people I could have a happy relationship with which is nice. I think also, this makes me feel more confident in my own values as a person. Even when she did things that were toxic and manipulative, I did not do those things in retaliation even when given the pass to. And so I think even when hurt in that way, if I'm not willing to do that back I think I feel pretty confident in my own moral stance then which I'm happy about. Also I'm happy that even with such a one-sided thing and the constant disrespect, the fact that I'm still kind to her makes me proud of myself. A lot of the times I'll think about stooping to her level, and retaliating in similar ways that she does. But then I think about how that would just be something that at the end of the day I would know that I have done and that's not who I want to be. And so I'm kind of happy that I can take it on the chin without faltering. But also I really hope that I don't get pushed too far to the point where I think that future relationships have to go the same. That's the danger of a small sample size. I really don't want to generalize this to other relationships, but I think that that's a pretty realistic outcome that I have to fight against.

All things considered, I think it's time to listen to the advice from my friends or at least something in that direction. I need to have some self-respect and a backbone. I don't want to keep setting the precedent that I am someone that can handle being treated shitty, and then being put on the back burner. It's the same problem as being the child that doesn't have the loud tantrum, because no matter how bad I was hurting my parents would put their resources into my sister because of her outbursts. I need to remember that that was what I learned, and so I need to actively work away from that and that means advocating for myself.

Chin up man.