An Open Letter

I saw an Iron 4 player offering coaching on Discord, and so I asked to be coached a few days ago. We messaged a bit, and they seemed pretty cool, so we planned to play. Today we did, and they were actually really knowledgeable and fun to play with, but just had a ton of performance anxiety. We played a few games and then spent like two hours just talking and bantering. We plan to play again tomorrow, and I saw a lot of myself in them, but from a parallel of a fully different person having different life experiences. I’m glad I reached out to a fully foreign interaction. 20 seconds. All it takes.

I think it’s been about a week now where at the end of my shower, I turn it all the way cold and stay in it for around a minute. There have been two big changes, one was playing a song with a verse that I really like or a part that hits and timing it right as the water goes cold, and also sometime’s ill just speak my mind while the shock from the cold hits. Really quickly you get used to the cold, and then once you remind yourself that you are fine and it’s just discomfort, the discomfort goes away surprisingly. I think this is fairly symbolic of a lot of things in life.

The way it typically goes is the dread of doing it, the actual act (which isn’t that bad after the first few seconds), and then the good feelings afterwards. I feel like this is a pattern I see all the time. How many things in my life have caused so much dread and fear, and discomfort at first that I’ve come to love and be thankful for doing. I feel like every meaningful connection in my life has come from just a few seconds of enough blind bravery to get past the anxiety and fear of doing something scary. 20 seconds of embarrassing bravery. And if that’s not enough, then take it 20 seconds at a time. Do that enough until you finally turn the shower off and can’t help but scream and think to yourself “you did it”. I can’t even bring myself to say the showers suck. Because while it’s definitely uncomfortable, it’s a reminder of the potential for a life I’m happy with. A full life, complete with experiences and failures and successes and everything in between. All because I can get over that part of my brain telling me it is afraid of something.

Back to strangers – Rehash

I used this title scheme to somewhat track how long it took me it to stop processing this breakup. I guess this kind of marks some kind of a turning point because I'm not sure if this really applies to the breakup at all. But I still think that there's enough floating around my head that'll probably end up mentioning it. And so 17 it is.

I feel like I want to write about something sad, but nothing comes to mind. But weirdly that doesn't feel like it's a good thing. It doesn't feel bad either, I guess I'm just apathetic. I'm starting to reclaim a big sense of stability that I didn't have during that relationship. But it still does come with a sense of loss sometimes. I think more than anything else I'm sad that for like a better word they weren't a different person. Like I think about the whole uncertainty-bound of relationships that I have, and I'm kind of sad that this ended up being a low roll.

The painting that she made me for my birthday keeps falling off of the wall, and every few days I have to push it back into its adhesive. I remember how she started to cry when she told me that if I don't want it to give it back because she loves it so much and it would break her heart for it to be destroyed. Originally I felt that she was saying that because she put so much love into it, and that was love for me. But honestly now thinking about it, I more feel like it's love for the painting and the effort she put in, not necessarily for me. And it kind of does echo a sentiment that was eating me alive for a while. I didn't really feel like she loved me, but she rather loved I guess just the things that I was able to fill for her. But it wasn't me as a whole that she loved. She loved how I hugged her, and how I was there for her, but she didn't love the parts of me that didn't fit the things that she wanted. And so I ended up feeling kind of like a shell of a person. Almost like a hollow exterior with all of the substance gutted out.

But I am more than that. I am a combination of all the experiences I've gone through, and even though those might not be things that she was looking for, they are still who I am. I think I deserve to be loved. Yet I feel so entitled saying that. I don't know if I deserve anything. But I do think what I would want in a relationship is to feel loved, and not just for the value I provide.

There are plenty of great things from the relationship, and also lessons hidden behind a layer of thorns. I hope that things get better for her.

She texted saying she would prefer not to see me again, and so her suggestion of us talking tomorrow when I pick her up from work is no longer happening. I guess I’m not going to interact with her again. I’m not happy with how things were left, but I guess what can you do about it. It would have been nice to end on good terms, but it is what it is.

Still hurts a lot.

I might as well vent to it here because it's a nice outlet. One thing that's been going back and forth in my mind has been the difference between intentionally saying something that is hurtful, and saying something that is hurtful from negligence of remembering or thinking about how it's a hurtful topic. The intentionality does have a overall worse connotation in my mind, but at the same time I still think it's fucked up in a different way how she said something super damaging to me even without the whole context of losing my mom, because I had told her several times before about how that was something that was traumatic for me. Like it kind of feels that even if it wasn't intentional, someone that I care about hurt me really deeply from just negligence. Even if the intentionality is not there I think it's pretty important to kind of acknowledge that and evaluate if that's something I would want in any kind of relationship, friendship or otherwise. I think especially to be intimate with someone or tightly ingrained, it's important to not have to feel like you always have to have a guard up in case they again say something that's hurtful or sensitive. I have to walk the thin line of saying sensitive and being concerned about that being interpreted as in “I'm too sensitive”. But I think this is more analogous to if someone was assaulted, and you made careless jokes that were related to that. I think that's universally a no-go kind of situation. Sucks that I'm sensitive in this way, but that's part of who I am and I don't know who I would be without the bad parts.

It kind of sucks that I never really got an apology for it, and instead what I got was a “I'm sorry that you didn't get more support about your insecurity growing up” which was horribly worse than saying just sorry, for reasons that I don't really want to explain right now. I think I have to be worried about unfortunately being perceived, and since I don't want to put all of our dirty laundry out there on the internet I'm going to hold back here for now. At least talking about exactly what she said that gutted me and the context behind it.

I think at the end of the day I have felt an incredible sense of freedom. I guess it's more just of the feeling that the opportunity to meet people that understand me and click with me is absolutely ripe, and I don't have to settle for a relationship that was kind of slowly destroying me. I'm very proud of the stability that I've built for myself throughout all of the hardships I've had to face growing up, and when I say that I mean to this point today. And I think that this is still part of me growing up and that's kind of a happy thought if I'm being honest. I'm not sure if I can exactly articulate why it is.

Today when I went to the gym it was closed, and since I thankfully recently bought my own basketball, I instead went to an outdoor court nearby and I just shot and practiced by myself for 2 hours while listening to podcasts. It was a beautifully sunny day, but the wind was absolutely nightmarish for the first hour and a half. Anytime I would shoot the ball, it would pretty consistently fly unpredictably. I thought this was pretty unfortunate because I have been trying to practice shooting straight and I've been trying to learn the proper form for that, it's kind of hard to do that when you get constantly incorrect feedback just because of the wind today.

But I also thought that was incredibly poetic and a weird concrete example of a general life lesson. Just because today I'm playing outside and there's a ton of wind, does that mean that I should fundamentally change my approach and try to shoot to the left to account for it? Or maybe I should change my stance or hand position to deal with that bias. But I think the answer is a pretty clear no, since I am trying to learn the game, and it's better that I stick to what I believe is the proper approach, even if right now I'm getting conflicting feedback. This was a horribly convoluted and unpolished way of essentially saying how just because things are not working, doesn't mean that you are doing something wrong. And almost equally as important, just because things would work if you did it differently doesn't mean that doing it differently is correct.

I think I could have maybe's relationship work, by sucking things up more, or studying and learning how to communicate better to account for their issues. Or I could have done so many different things. But at the end of the day how many of these things would end up hurting me once the wind goes away and I'm in a happy situation. Hopefully in my next relationship, I'm able to communicate with my partner without feeling like it's a debate. And hopefully next time my partner can empathize and understand me better. I think it's important to remember this, because I think I lose sight of this a lot. Just because you get bad feedback, doesn't mean that you need to fix that always. Of course there are valuable pieces of feedback and things that you absolutely should learn from, but that is not a universal thing.

As I lay down to read my book for the night, it started off with Naomi giving an account of her past issues with her abusive ex. I don't think anyone in this relationship was abusive, but it does serve as an extreme example. She said originally she never knew if he was bad to her, because he never gave her a reason to. She knew what bad looked like, because of all of the extreme examples she grew up around. But he never did any of those things, and so she would have no choice but to believe him with his subtle implications of her being sensitive or crazy. But he absolutely was abusive and manipulative.

Now I absolutely do not think I was either of those things, but I absolutely do acknowledge the fact that in the relationship I probably wasn't exactly what she would want. I think that fact is a mixture of both me as a person, but also the frictions that we had. I was pretty upset with myself with the comment that I made in our last argument, and that absolutely is still something I regret. I obviously hate the fact that I said that for all of the reasons I've mentioned before, but also for the fact that this was a mistake that I absolutely reasonably could have avoided. I of course made mistakes and other things throughout the relationship, but those were within my very strict expectations I hold for myself, and so at the end of the day I don't feel like it was reasonable for me to do things differently at the time. But this was different.

There is a small silver lining to it however. I think for a lack of a better word, this lets her blame me and hate me in her mind. If I had not done that, I think it would be pretty difficult for her to move on, since things would have gone from seemingly good and fine to over. But at least this way she has a concrete horrible thing that I did that she can use to end it in her mind. I think this makes it easier for her, at least in the short term. I don't know if she will really be able to use this as something to learn from however with that scapegoat. But at least I'm happy that she hurts less right now. And I guess that thought makes me hurt a little bit less.

We said we would talk for arguably the last time this Saturday. It kind of hurts me because I don't actually have anything I want to ask her. I also think that we will not be friends or on good terms. The narrative I've told myself is that I need to have self respect for myself. I shouldn't keep bending myself over to try to have this a good term friendship, when they changed their mind on that. I'm fine navigating there ego and other things, but that was when we were at least both on the same page about what we wanted going forward. Once she blindsided me by changing that and refusing to clarify things or communicate at all, that to me was an indication of that person that I thought of them and the person that they are showing are different. The person I thought of was someone who asked that we be friends afterwards and that we can be on good terms, and still talk. I remember saying that I didn't think we really had much for a reason to talk afterwards, but she pushed for that. And then after a week of no contact to let us grieve the relationship, she changed that which undid a lot of the processing I had done. I understand that they may have their reasons and stuff like that, but the part that I was not okay with was the blatant disregard for my emotional state. A breakup is always rough. And I think what they did was incredibly selfish in avoiding contact or an uncomfortable conversation, and so instead they just didn't have that which led me on, and dropped me harder again. I don't think someone that I could trust or want to be around would do something like that. I really value emotional maturity and empathy, and the end of the day along with several other actions I just don't think that's there. I'm happy for the good things in the relationship, but as I've got into to know them better along with their flaws I don't think about that someone that would be good for me in my life. And so our ways part a little bit early.

I know this is incredibly superficial and stupid, but part of me feels like a vengeful happiness about how she doesn't know about my job offer, and the salary.

I’m exhausted and ready to pass out but instead I stayed up for another 2 hours playing factorio. I was playing WHILE playing league with 3 people in voice call, while also responding to two different conversations over text at the same time. I love this shit.

For I think over a year or maybe even two now I’ve kept a gratitude note with 5 things that have made me happy every day. Today I had a pretty wonderful experience just staying up watching comedy specials from Akaash Singh. I figured out how to plug in my guitar into my PC and use digital amps, and I got to take the day nice and easy. How nice life could be. And I guess how nice it is.

Today I got my wisdom teeth surgery complication treated, got a great workout at the gym + basketball, made a few new friends there (one of which had a SICK car), and even jammed out with someone for the first time! A new friend R came over and we tried learning and playing some songs together, and that was fucking sick. We said we would try to practice some more after choosing some songs and try to jam again. It’s cool since she’s around my age and also like me which makes it super easy to vibe with. Later me and T played league, and at the end we had some people join our call and one of them was like a compulsive liar, and we just kept lighting them up and roasting them and holy fuck it’s so much fun to rage bait people on the internet with a friend. I even him them with the “do you know Owen?” and even their duo cracked up, and she was pissed lol. What a wonderful day lmao.

It’s fully over. At the end of the day she said she cannot forgive me for the things I’ve said, and for me being afraid of committing suicide if she had pushed me too far. Maybe it is for the best. It still hurts like hell.

It tears me up because I forgave her for the numerous things she did that absolutely gutted me, to the point of several breakdowns. But she doesn’t see those as comparable, and she is adamant that she cannot forgive me. Regardless of me apologizing, and trying to make things right. She didn’t do those same things for me, and still I forgave her. I wonder if I should adjust my definition of love to include a level of tolerating hurt. But I don’t think that’s love. Then I don’t know what I felt for her that made me accept all the times she hurt me horribly badly.

I remember the thing she said that made me fully break down, and then afterward when I told her I wanted to stop talking she kept pushing me and then I locked myself in the bathroom to get away from her. She said something mid-argument that essentially blamed me for what had happened to me as a child. That made me break down to the core. The years of abuse and the shit I had to deal with became my fault. That made me want to sob, but I was so hurt I couldn’t even move. I just sat on the bathroom floor silently weeping. I forgave her for that. I even forgave her for not remembering the thing I had pleaded with her to remember several times to avoid, for concern of triggering my childhood trauma. I don’t know how I did.

I wonder what it would have looked like if the first time something like that happened where from negligence I was hurt so horribly bad from her, if I had ended things the way she just did. I wonder if she would blame herself the same way I am now. I can’t help but regret saying something in the heat of our argument. Even with all of the context behind it, she can’t forgive me for saying it. I find myself still censoring what I type here because of fear of her reading this even though she’s said several times that she wouldn’t.

At the end of the day, I think I’m mourning the person I thought she was. The person I fell in love with was empathetic, understanding, and someone who wanted me in their life. Throughout the relationship, those things felt like they were cracking at the seams, and it feels now that they refuse to acknowledge the double standard, and that forgiveness was a one-way street only. I asked them for the same grace I gave them, and they refused that. It hurts like hell to know that. I dealt with them lashing out at me so often, and that wasn’t returned. I know that I made mistakes and that I shouldn’t have lashed out in the first place if I knew how to communicate better, but of course, that’s also a two-way street.

I’m hurting badly because I’m faced with abandonment I guess. But at the same time, just because someone is telling me they don’t want me in their life, I need to stop myself from immediately trying to change that. I should also consider if I want them in my life. I think they’ve shown me several times that their level of compassion isn’t enough for me to feel safe around them. Most importantly, it feels like they never tried to compromise on the things where I was asking for something. That’s something that’s a dealbreaker for me. I want someone that respects me and wants the best for me at the same time, and that also values my feelings.

At the end of the day I know that relationships are a two-person thing. This one failed, and it seems like it also cannot work as a friendship so it has just ended here. We said we would talk on Saturday, and I think I want to set the goal of by then deciding from MY point of view from what they’ve shown as their colors, is this someone I want in my life. I think the answer staring at me is no.

If I follow V’s advice and think about if one of my friends told me this situation, how I would react. I’d tell the friend that if the relationship is one-sided where it is acceptable for bad things to happen to them but not vice versa, then that isn’t a healthy relationship. I don’t think I can get over this double standard.