An Open Letter

No saving it, for the first time ever blocked each other and I don’t see that changing. If I can get my health things out of her control that’s it. It’s a shame but I guess I won’t have a mother.

4am for the second night in a row. Tired.

Dsrov R dzh dzoprmt yzxp, R hzd z xlfkov trioh hgifttormt gl xziib gsrh lmv trio gszg dzh xlnkovgvob lfg zmw gsildrmt fk, zmw R zhpvw ru hsv dzh lpzb zmw luuvivw gl xziib svi yzxp hrmxv rg dlfowm'g yv zh sziw uli nv. Gsvb dviv ivzoob gszmpufo zmw pvkg zhprmt nv ru gsvb xlfow trev nv orpv z wirmp li orpv kzb nv lm evmnl li hlnvgsrmt, zmw R pvkg ivufhrmt yvxzfhv R dzh qfhg szkkb R dzh zyov gl svok hlnvlmv lfg dsrov R dzh hgifttormt hl nfxs. Zg lmv klrmg gsv trio dzh horkkrmt luu nb yzxp yvxzfhv R dzh trermt svi z krttbyzxp, zmw R gsrmp lmv lu gsv trioh dzh gibrmt gl svok kfhs svi fk yfg rmhgvzw qfhg prmw lu kfg svi szmw lm nb zhh zmw kfhsvw zmw R hzrw “gszg'h nb zhh yb gsv dzb mlg svih” zmw R qfhg gslftsg rg dzh kivggb ufmmb. Yfg gsvb zohl pvkg zhprmt uli nb mznv zmw hzbrmt gszmp blf hl nfxs, zmw rg prmw lu uvog orpv uli z nlnvmg R dzh hvvm zmw rg dzhm'g qfhg gszg R dzh hlnv hrwv xszizxgvi, yfg izgsvi orpv nb ldm rmwrerwfzo drgs nb ldm kvihlm zmw hvou. Gszg nzpvh nv uvvo szkkb.

I never had courage.

Yesterday during my second phase of interviews I quickly googled if I could take two of my beta blockers, for my anxiety – and with my specific medication they highly warned against it for risk of death. I saw a line saying that medication was one of the most at risk for suicidal people, due to that danger. I have bottle after bottle of it, as I keep getting the prescription and it builds up.

I never had courage and I'm thankful for that I think. I think it was venlafaxine I kept swallowing that day in the closet trying to kill myself before my dad found me. I remember him crying. I'm happy I at least remember that rather than not being aware of it, or anything for that matter.

I think about the experiences I've had and how I cannot be alone in them, but yet here I am. I've been somewhat haunted by the thought of no one being there at my graduation. Like there will most likely be my parents, my girlfriend, and then no other close friends. I've almost romanticized this idea by now, on how I've proven that humans don't need social connection, by living with so little of it. I know I'm delusional in saying that, but I guess I want some way to cope and quantify the way I'm feeling. I think I would be a good friend, at least I hope I would be; but I find myself in this spot again and I can't help but feel like this is simply what I'm doomed to. Maybe things would have been different if I was adopted by someone like V, but instead I've been here, where I lay.

I have such a deep-seated bitterness in my chest every time I see brotherhood, or friends or shit like that on TikTok, since that's something I've so violently longed for. I see racist towns in the south and I get jealous because of their sense of community. It's not my fault I grew up with no one but online people because my parents refused to let me socialize, let alone do their job and help me with that. And so here I lay.

It feels like the end. And then what will I feel once that passes? Will that feeling just hang in the air, like a never ending promise that the conclusion is right there in front of me? Or will I feel ok, until this feeling comes back. I don't man that last sentence in a depressing manner, but rather as an inevitability. Either things change, or they end. It will never stay the same forever. Am I just supposed to be kind to myself until this passes? Will it pass? It threatens to consume me whole. I feel so fundamentally incompatible with this world as a whole. I just don't fit into this life I picture is normal no matter how I try to shape myself. But I know that I'm not alone in this feeling. There's two sides to this coin and it feels like they both don't matter. No point obsessing about flipping wrong when it's irrelevant. I think I'll be kind to myself until I'm better.

I think the interviews went well. I’m really hoping that it works out and I get the job. I offered to pick up A later at night, and I stopped what I was doing and went drove over to drive her home, and I had two songs that I had added to my spotify that I was really liking. She skipped both of them, and honestly it kinda did rub me pretty wrong. I guess I haven’t really gotten over that fear and issue from highschool of showing other people my music, and I’m starting to not feel comfortable playing my music in the car with her since I don’t think she likes any of it. Or at least I don’t know. It just made me feel pretty sad. She also got kinda upset at me for not remembering a detail about one of her past jobs, which was a fairly minor thing and I’m also pretty certain she described in the past as a different job title. I just don’t like it.

Tomorrow is the rest of my interviews, and I’m praying to god they go well. Regardless I’ve learned a lot in this self-study period, but I would love to be out of the rat-race of searching for a job. I’m excited. I’m excited. I’ve said it enough times it feels true.

I finished my first interview today for the position, and I think it went good. I let myself take the rest of the day off, and to relax.

Today (after I sleep) is the first round of interviews, and I don’t know at all what to expect. I’m incredibly nervous and hopeful. This will go well. This will.

I feel at least a bit better today if anything. I studied a lot, and I finished the chapter on ML. Thankfully I have seen this material before, and so not much was new, as compared to probability/stats. In studying, I re-ran through the interview question I had in the first round, and I realized how clueless I was in my answer. I did have some good intuition things going for me, but I ended up with something that was completely uninformed. Now at least I learned one thing more and a general framework of answering those types of questions, and given the fact that I got to this stage with that answer (my recruiter said don’t stress, if you already got to this stage that means you’re doing well) means that I will only do better with this new prep. I think more than everything else, my natural curiosity and passion will hopefully carry me past the lack of experience I currently have. Thankfully I don’t have to fake that and it’s genuine so that’s a MASSIVE thing in my favor. But also showing how I learned so much since the last interview is something that reflects really well on me. I want to prepare a bit more tomorrow and also make sure that I have at least a basic preparation of my history and behavioral questions / questions to ask ready to go. I’m excited! And terrified. But let’s focus on excited!

I’ve been feeling the pull of just thinking about it sometimes now, and that’s terrifying to me. I’m scared. God I’m scared. I want it to be over.