An Open Letter

I went on a long walk again today, and I started using my weighted ankles. I only used 2 bars on each side, so it was fairly light but still did start testing my endurance. I’ve been cutting for a bit over a month now, and while I am a lot more shredded and lean, I don’t necessarily think that it’s worth it. I don’t have a problem really doing either, gaining weight or losing it – as in I don’t mind it. But I do feel like the pros outweigh the cons for bulking instead.

I guess instead of DBT I’ll do some pro’s and con’s and somewhat justify the decision I’d like to make.

Pros of cutting:

• Lighter, more nimble
• Physically seem much more toned, and muscular
• Drastically more vascular
• Abs
• Less fat on the body, notably on my face
• Practice discipline
• Hot summer body

Cons of cutting:

• More injury prone
• Less energy
• Physically weaker
• Less intimidating
• Smaller physically
• More constraints on eating
• Can’t cook as delicious food
• A more strict and policed diet
• No point of hot bod

I guess in my eyes the big appeal of cutting is the last part – but I feel like to me that’s moot. I like the way I look in both aspects, for different reasons – but a “summer” body doesn’t apply to me as I spend my summers online or at some tech work internship. Me having a six-pack doesn’t matter there, does it?

I do think that being less prone to injury is a much better thing, as doing martial arts weekly and jiujitsu sparring has got me pretty beat up. I think I’d like to also have more energy from it.

I also want to get more into cooking in my free time, also because it is financially more responsible. I guess I’d also like to bake more often, I do enjoy baking but also I don’t like the feeling of my friends looking down on me in that aspect. I don’t need to prove anything to them, but I would like to show myself that I am fully capable and able to succeed in anything I put my mind to. So I guess I’d like to bake for myself. But also I wouldn’t mind if I was able to show S and L that I am more than they think, and not someone to look down on. But also I need to see the parallels to T and humble myself – I can only really let myself get drunk on this fantasy if I put in the work behind it and back it up. And I guess I know that a growth mindset is incredibly important, so a more responsible mindset would be that I want to get better and learn it.

I guess I’m kinda convinced in my mind that I want to bulk up. I want to say that this is from a healthy point, and not due to any sort of eating disorder or anything like that. I actually realized after my date with C that I don’t think it’s appropriate for me to say that I’ve had a brush with ED before, for the few weeks where I followed an extreme crash diet, that was more of a silly little experience more than the traumatic experiences I feel like I’ve heard from every woman I’ve talked to. I feel like it’s incredibly disrespectful and naive for me to say “Oh man yeah! I get it!” I don’t have any sort of trauma or negativity revolving around food, and I’m pretty rational in that department, even at my lowest. I don’t want to say anymore that I have any sort of experience with ED out of respect. I wouldn’t want someone to say the same things about my struggles.

I’m happy with myself for writing something with actual substance today, even if it’s tucked away at the end here. I hope I can eventually rewrite this blog in react as my own little project, as now is the perfect time to do that. I’m proud of you and I love you Karyios, goodnight!

Professor M reached out to me and wanted me to join him on a new research project, and the project seems like something I’d be fully capable of doing. But research still terrifies me, and I want to stray away from it.

I also do feel a bit guilty as I haven’t really journaled properly in a while – I hope I’ll get back to doing that soon, I just haven’t had the energy recently. At least I’ll stay with my DBT.

R – 3 breaths

E – I feel overwhelmed about my tasks and things I have neglected.

S – I’ll be productive tomorrow and get things done.

T – Go to bed early for that.

I finally got around to it and set up the Factorio server. I invited several friends, additionally invited N. I think it’ll be a bit interesting, as this seems to be one of the few things we may be able to share an interest in. I am a bit worried however because my other friends are from all different walks of life and I don’t know how well things will mesh. Oh well, time to find out!

I spent a while with T expanding, and I hope we didn’t get too far for S to not feel like he’s a part of it. Oh well.

R – 3 breaths

E – I have a ton of different mini-creative projects that I haven’t started or worked on at all.

S – I want to work on it this weekend, so I’ll just set aside some time to do it.

T – This Sunday I will work on getting some footage for some idea, or I can ask S tomorrow.

I finally got another assignment today, and I binged the entire thing and finished it. I think I’m genuinely addicted to the dopamine from doing assignments. I ended up doing a super cool quirky SQL injection using SQLMAP, along with a custom tamper script to do something incredibly sick. Because of this convoluted mess, I ended up fully circumventing having to decode my flag, which I genuinely don’t know how to decode. But that was fun regardless!

R – 3 breaths

E – I met P, who’s living with S and L next year and they didn’t hear me introducing myself to them. I guess it kinda felt like that was symbolic of me being eventually replaced by someone new, as they’re most likely going to do things like bake together which I had asked if I could join (didn’t happen).

S – I know that this is strongly fueled by insecurity, so I don’t want to give it too much weight; that being said I also should not put all my eggs in one basket and be ok with the thought of being not as close as I thought. I don’t think it’s a terrible thing, and I feel like it’d be kind of clingy to expect this before it happens. Regardless I know that a lot of things can be attributed to other non-malicious things, but it’s still fine to feel somewhat upset.

T – Invest in other areas also and make sure to foster several different avenues of connection. Also talk to therapist about this on Monday lol. Love you!

I think it’s a good indication of how I’m able to get over this fairly quickly, I think in the past I would have stewed on this situation way longer than I did. Instead I just reasonably moved on, and lost no time. Today was the last day I told myself I’d be allowed to mope at all, and I didn’t end up needing to at all. Good job me I guess.

No DBT today because it’s super late and I want to sleep. Goodnight!

I know after T I understood what a firework relationship was – burned incredibly fast, violently intense, and ends as soon as it starts. I guess C was just a reminder about my naivety and an indication of the things I should be aware of. I saw the signs, but I chose to ignore them – so I guess this was kind of a test that I had failed. I need to wake up early so I can workout with S, I guess it’s more appropriate to say so I get to work out with S. I’m glad to spend time with friends. I think I have a lot of thinking and consideration to do which is something I’m thankful for.

R – 3 breaths

E – C blew up in a ball of flames, and it was over a horribly handled misunderstanding.

S – I think it’s a great metric and something to understand that I value – the cornerstone of any relationship should be the ability to resolve conflict more than anything else.

T – I guess for the time being remind myself I can enjoy life single.

We went ice skating and talked for about two hours. After that, we ended up wanting to talk more and just went driving and exploring for a few more hours. I felt incredibly comfortable around them, and I really enjoyed their presence. There are some fears I have I guess, but that’s to be expected. I feel like I’m somewhat entering the unknown, this could go several different ways – but also a rich life is better than a safe one I think.

R – 3 breaths

E – I am a bit nervous about the uncertainty of dating this person, especially with my fear of having an incredibly good relationship that ends up becoming codependent.

S – Maintain boundaries and don’t put all my eggs into one person.

T – Hang out with other friends, like S and L and S and L lol.

MFW I bag a bad bitch (cute funny and clever) by being a silly goose. We have our first date today, and I’m incredibly excited to meet her in person, as she seems like she hits all of my desires in a partner. I can’t wait to see where this goes.

I was up late last night texting with her, and so this morning I slept in. After that I had martial arts, and right after that I went and worked out for like two hours. And then immediately went on a pretty long walk (~2 hours-ish?) and came home ready to sit down and enjoy resting my tired feet. It was a great day. I also had a lot of good thoughts, and I even ended up doing some CBT while out and walking. I am optimistic for the future.

Oh yeah, I was listening to an exurb1a video again, and there was a very poetically beautiful line I liked “Even ogres can tend beautiful gardens”. I think there’s a very nice set of insight there, and I may write about it some other time. I was a bit concerned that since this blog typically talks about negative things this may reflect on me in a biased way – but this serves to be something for me to I guess vent to no one about, and to spur on thoughts on things to potentially address in therapy all in the interests of self-growth. I am happy, and I do think a good reason why is because I allow myself to put any sadness down here, instead of carrying it around with me.

R – 3 breaths

E – I was a bit insecure about my friendships, and the lack of close intimacy recently has let anxiety sow its seeds in the spaces.

S – These thoughts have no basis to stand on, and so are wonderful things to contest. Doing CBT in the moment was a great idea, but also I want to pick them apart and understand them more in therapy today.

T – I wrote them down, and I will talk about them tomorrow in therapy.

Good night, and just because I don’t say this every time I want you to know I really do love you. I’m proud of the work you’ve done, and the resolve you have to improve yourself and grow into a person you are proud of. Good job, keep it up.

“The longer you struggle with a problem, the less likely you are to understand the problem”

It feels counterintuitive to me at least, but it’s incredibly rational – if you understand a problem the more likely you are to have moved past it. This kinda opened my eyes to a lot of things, especially the core problems I’ve struggled with for long periods of my life. The big thing that comes to mind immediately is the struggle to accept the fact I may be loved. I know that this is an incredibly sensitive topic that’s plagued me since childhood, but maybe I can consider the fact that I am understanding or viewing it fundamentally wrong.

I had a nice date(?) with K, we went exploring places and had a great conversation for two hours. I also think that was incredibly valuable as I got a bit more experience, even if we aren’t looking for a relationship. I am able to understand that things aren’t as hard as my mind tries to trick me into.

I’m also talking to someone who feels like me. I know that I was somewhat upset in the past when I originally met S because it felt like they were someone who was very similar to me, but they were taken, and it worked perfectly as ammunition for my own insecurities and fears to try to convince me that anyone I’d feel compatible with is taken, but I like to think about it more like “hey, here’s someone I get along with incredibly well. That means there are more people like that out there!” (Also just for my own piece of mind, I need to reinforce the fact that I am fully PLATONIC with S, since I found out they were in a relationship). With this new person, we have a lot of coincidences, even having the same diagnosis (allegedly). We also share an incredible amount of similarities, almost to the point where I’m skeptical. But nothing ventured nothing gained!

R – 3 breaths

E – I am a bit worried that this is too good to be true, with the similarities mentioned and other compatibility things. I guess I am seeing remnants of T, especially with the focus on privacy at least before the first date.

S – Just be aware of it, but also don’t be overly cautious to the point of creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

T – Enjoy the date!

I had some bad dreams last night, and I guess I've been just not feeling too good for a while. Right now I'm feeling pretty sad about S and L. I feel like they're both way closer to each other than me, and I feel kinda pushed away. But maybe that push is just my depression. I can't help but think about the things they do together that I've asked them about or tried to do and it's always failed. I'm also thinking about the several times they've talked about videos they send each other while I miss out. L also didn't have my contact saved after I had asked a few times. They also don't really ever send me things that happen for them, like S got their piercing and didn't even mention it till a few days later. I feel a lot of shame when I want to share things or want to tell them things because the feeling doesn't seem mutual. And that hurts me a lot more than id like to admit. I find myself wanting to pull away, as I just keep getting the feeling like they don't see me the way I see them. It feels like I'm not someone they think about, but more as a friend out of convenience. I don't know what to do if I'm honest.