I finally hit an ORM PR today, I had 2 sets of paused bench RPE 7-8 and did two plates + 2.5 lbs on each side. My previous one rep max was 2 plates, so I technically hit a new one rep max! I kind of just wanted to be silly and put something on my Instagram highlights because since starting powerlifting I haven’t hit any one rep maxes because that’s just now how it works unfortunately – so I’m happy to see some sort of progress there.
After I finished my scheduled stuff, I went to do calf raises like I normally do. Behind the machine is the rock climbing section, and I saw E there. I instinctively wanted to wave hi, but since they were talking to some other people I decided against it. I then felt myself filled with a very strange anger, and I wasn’t exactly sure why. I guess I was mad because of the residual feelings of remorse when they didn’t invite me to do it as we had originally planned. I’ve been wanting to go with friends or by myself just to somewhat mentally reclaim it for myself – but I just haven’t really done that.
Arguably more notably, M sent me a message on Reddit and it seemed like they were guilty of what they had done to me. I told them I harbored no resentment against them, and I was completely chilling (because I am). I guess I’m pretty proud of my commitment to facing my issues head-on and not letting them rot. I don’t feel any suppression or resentment left there, I got full closure by myself which I’m proud of.
It’s nice it’s raining. I guess I don’t really have much to say, I’m in a weird numb state. I guess I’m happy I got a lot of things done, but also I just wasn’t really enjoying the idea of doing anything for the last few hours. I just hear “heart to heart” from Mac DeMarco in my head when everything goes quiet for a bit.
I made jokes to friends showing the rain and talking about how California was on lockdown emergency – but once I got an emergency warning not to travel I got worried. I was pretty far from home and decided to try to get home ASAP so I got in my car and started to drive back. I hit some pretty pools of water which might have gotten into my car, and the scariest part was I missed an exit I could have taken on the highway due to the visibility, and so I had to go through this one stretch where the lanes collect into two and they are surrounded by barriers with less than a foot of gap on either side. Normally it is already very precarious, but while driving a truck next to me hit a huge pool of water and it completely covered my windshield for about 3 seconds, where I couldn’t see anything at all out of it. I very nearly crashed into them, and that was a horribly eye-opening experience. At some point, I will get into an accident and I’m a bit worried about how I’ll handle it. I think it could make me spiral at best, and kill me at worst.
I had a realization at some point during the concert how maybe the point of life is just to get to the next beautiful moment. In that concert was a beautiful moment, several of them. It just felt like things are bigger than me for a moment.
I wonder if other people get the same weird pang of envy when they see other people in situations you don’t get to experience. Like seeing a friend go to an art pre-college, a random party, or even childhood experiences. I feel a weird sense of longing and bitterness which I think is incredibly irrational. I can’t expect to have experienced every single thing possible, and if I somehow could I would have to give up a lot of the things I am grateful for in my life now. I still find myself envious.
I find it somewhat funny how many things in life I both fear and want to avoid, yet long for and chase. What a hypocritical little creature I am. And not to break the fourth wall or anything, but consider your own life: I’d be willing to bet there are fairly significant things you both want yet don’t want. What an interesting limbo we’re in! But also don’t you think life would be boring if everything was so linear and clearcut? I think it’s a wonderful thing to be in this life where everything is so deep and meaningful and confusing and scary. I can’t think of any other way I’d want it.
Everything's just a trick of the mind right now. I don't know what's something real to be sad about. Maybe I'm just depressed. I told myself I wouldn't even think about it until 1k so I won't. But it's scary that the thought is creeping around, waiting for a spot to move back into.
It's this weird romanticization that does it for me. I see myself laying down in an almost out of body experience, like a scene from a movie. How am I supposed to be upset at anybody? The cruelest people to me have always been victims. She was the one who found her grandma when they hung themselves. And now their mom is gone to the same curse. How can I blame them. God knows how strong she has to be. I'm sorry for everything you've had to endure, and I'm sorry I had to do what's best for me. God I'm sorry for us both.
I had a video call with my dad earlier today to sort out insurance stuff. His hair is more white than black now. I know people always mention it, but it hasn’t hit me until today that he’s getting older and he may not be around forever.
I was eating food outside by myself like I normally do, and I decided to put my phone and headphones away to sit in the moment. I thought about the memory of me acting like I was asleep in the car, and Dada carrying me inside. I started to think about how I began to be alone before I had moved out. I think around like 7th grade. It ended up being fairly easy to adapt to college because it wasn’t a big change. I wonder how much it hurts for people who had connections like that at home.
I feel pretty alone if I’m being honest. I don’t know why it’s hitting me now. I just came back from a martial arts class with some friends, and have spent most of the day around other people. I just find myself sitting alone after it’s done or spending time alone. My memory is starting to go hazy. I think I may be getting depressed again. I’ll sit with this feeling and accept it for a little bit before I try to fix it like I always want to. I feel pathetic saying this but god I just want to be held like a kid again. I just want someone to lay there and hold me without it being a burden. I miss when I was in elementary school and I would get hugged by my family. That’s all I want right now. I just want to be held.
Hey me. I find myself happy and full of life in the morning and when it's time for night I'm hurt and tired. I planned to get to bed earlier and maybe have time to really write, but my heads empty and tired. I wish I was stronger, and that I wasn't so weak to collapse under the smallest pressures.
I wasn't planning on going back and writing this, but I did have something I wanted to say today.
I dislike how insecure I am at times. I find myself always mentally considering the fact that I am being replaced, And I think it's fundamentally ugly. I don't want to be this way, but I constantly find myself falling victim to the same fears. I don't know a way out.