An Open Letter

It’s a stupid thing to be proud of but I got high with some friends, and I haven’t done this in forever because of my anxiety. But I wasn’t anxious! Even though things didn’t go great I was fine. That’s such a big relief honestly. One thing I remember was D and N kept talking about a dance video I had and how good it was, and N kept making suggestive comments and I kind of felt uncomfortable. Like to me because I was not wearing a shirt in that video (because I was drenched in sweat from three hours of trying to learn) it felt too slutty and weird. I ended up privating it just now because it feels too much like a thirst trap, and while part of me kind of did know it would be seemed like that, like I felt hot making the video, I feel really uncomfortable when IRL people remember and think of it. There are two outcomes that are terrifying to me for different reasons, one is they’re making fun of me and I’m doing something embarrassing and it’s something to laugh at. The other is they find it attractive and I’m afraid to even consider believing that because that’s both uncomfortable for a platonic friendship, and also then if I believe it if they are actually making fun of me I look even more like an idiot. It’s like an unstable Nash equilibrium, if I accept it as a compliment and they are meaning to complement it, then I’m fine. But if they change their action I end up with a really bad punishment. And I think I’m a pretty weird person and it’s kind of instilled in me that people don’t like weird, and so part of me feels like I’m not actually a friend but rather someone to poke fun at. But I think this is one of those unstable equilibriums where D is genuinely a friend. Because of that I don’t want to shy away and keep my guard up. I like hanging out with her and I’m grateful for her as a friend.

I know I’m struggling with a depressive episode right now so I don’t want to take any thoughts right now too seriously. But I’ve been struggling with feeling attractive or wanted while talking with E. At least physically. I give her a lot of praise and positive feedback which she eats up, and I’m genuine in giving it. But I’ve also told her a few times that I would really like to receive positive feedback, and especially proactively. And she acknowledges it, but it doesn’t ever really come. It feels like she often responds with something along the lines of she needs to spend more time with me. That combined with the fact she said that her attraction is shaped by knowing the person, I end up just feeling like she doesn’t find me that attractive right now. It feels like whenever I try to clear up this uncertainty it just gets worse, almost like she’s saying “heyyyy, stop asking questions you don’t want the answer to”. I think my depression is biasing me a lot, but I feel like I’m just consistently getting the feedback that I find her way hotter than she finds me. God I want to be wanted. I hate this feeling of almost begging for her to tell me if she finds me attractive, and then getting what ends up feeling like a consolation trophy back. It makes me angry in the way that thinly covers grief. I want to yell into nothing about how I AM hot now, and how lots of people find me attractive. I’m not ugly anymore, I’m not too small or skinny, I’m not fat either, and I look great because of this work I’ve put in. I’m worth wanting and lusting over finally, and it’s not a reflection on me that she doesn’t find me as hot as I wish she did. It sucks because I still have hope that she’s just not vocal about it the way I am. That hope sucks because then I have to keep fighting this thought. Or is it just easier to give in? What happens if I just believe that I’m not that hot to her? God it’s too explicit for me to try to ignore it. Time to do CBT, it’s too clear I should be doing that here.

Situation:

E isn’t proactive with her attraction to me, and I’ve brought up several times that I really value someone giving me those positive affirmations, especially proactively.

Thoughts:

She doesn’t find me attractive right now. Out of politeness she gives me consolation prize compliments when I beg, but since she hasn’t been proactive yet that’s evidence that she doesn’t find me that attractive.

Feelings:

Shame, disgust in myself, anger, grief, and I feel pathetic.

Behavior:

I make her less attractive in my mind because it would hurt too much to really care and value someone who I’m just a consolation prize to.

But a better thought would maybe be,

Thoughts: She just doesn’t show it over text remotely the way I am comfortable doing. I know a lot of people aren’t as good as me at going out of their way to say things for other people’s sake. She probably does find me attractive, just doesn’t think to express it in the way I want.

Feelings: I feel a bit sad, but more in an “aw man that’s a shame” kind of way. I feel still like my self image is intact, and it doesn’t hurt the same way.

Thoughts: Aw man, sucks but isn’t nearly as bad as depression wants me to believe.

Behavior: I probably talk with her a little about it so I don’t feel like it’s one sided, and then I’m fine waiting for things to change.

Man I’m happy every time I do cbt, I just wish I felt the urge to do it more when I should.

I don’t know how many times I can apologize to no one for not writing much recently. I’m so tired and I waste my time watching youtube or something else chasing another small dopamine hit. I’m not happy today, and it fucking sucks. I’m filled with a lot of self loathing today so I just want to sleep so it ends.

I haven’t had much time to journal since I’ve been sleeping late recently, mostly because I’ve been talking with E late into the night or playing games with friends. That’s a good problem to have for sure. I talked with E today about some stuff and I started feeling depressed, so I wanted to isolate. We ended up talking later and she actually was really kind and patient, and wanted to learn how to best support me. She handled everything really well and I’m super grateful for that. I’m so excited to see where this goes. I think I’m going to ask her out as soon as is relatively reasonable lol.

It kinda sucks to be this way, since I then set my expectations somewhat near that. It feels like I have to babysit and hand-hold so many conversations, and so much excess burden sits on me unnecessarily. That ends up weighing me down, and I sometimes wish that I didn’t have to carry that.

I setup a minecraft server for us to play together, and we played till 1 am. And then we talked until 4 am. I’m about to pass out, but god she’s amazing. She’s so great in so many different ways. I’m falling for her hard, honestly falling is the wrong word because I’ve already fell.

What a whirlwind of a last few days. So me and E went on our first irl date, and it went super well, with us spending about 8 hours together. Then she got locked out so I grabbed her to sleep over, and then today I drove her to the airport. We just played games for like an hour, and it’s nice because I feel comfortable with her. I absolutely can see me asking her out after a bit, I just don’t want to rush things. I’m a bit worried how fast I’m moving but I don’t see blatant red flags (I hope).

We spent the whole afternoon and then night together. Then she got locked out of her apt and so I grabbed her and she’s sleeping over. I’m mentally exhausted but happy I think.

I guess my favorite color is a bit of a red tint lol. I had my first “date” with E just now, and we played games on discord and talked for like 6 hours. She’s about to go to the bay for 2 weeks before coming back, and so we planned dates today and tomorrow before she leaves. I really like her as a person and hanging out with her, but as the night got a bit later some of the red flags kinda came out. She is very deranged in the way of being incredibly open and sharing information, but I feel like I’ve seen this pattern in my past of these things being very explosive. I hope that’s not the case, but I guess I am a bit emotionally guarded and grounded in other aspects. I guess I hope they find me attractive.

The feelings have gone away, and I notice that it’s almost because resentment fills in the empty space. While we’re in person, I feel great and connected, but remotely it feels very distant. I don’t think that this is a bad thing and I hope this doesn’t seem like I’m blaming her or saying she’s doing something wrong, but at least for me I think I would want a partner who actively wants to interact with me. I really value when people initiate, and realizing that I’m playing these weird games of wanting to regulate my responses exhausts me. She doesn’t respond to all of my texts, and when she does it’s very delayed — and since I’m the kind of person to respond when I see a notification, and I have access to my phone a lot of the day, I end up responding way faster. I start to overthink this then as it feels like I’m like a dog waiting for her command. I start to realize that it’s a problem when I started again thinking about solutions as in randomizing delays for her notifications, so that I don’t respond quickly, but also I don’t get overwhelmed with unanswered notifications pending. But the easier solution is just take a step back mentally from them, I think she may be an avoidant type of person, and she’s great to hang out with — just maybe not to rely on. I want to restate to myself that I am not some desperate person hoping for someone to latch onto. I realized that my problem has somewhat shifted, where recently I’ve had to face the issue of politely rejecting people instead of ghosting them. I also have had resounding positive feedback from many different people, including people in relationships. I honestly just enjoy building my garden, and I’m not too preoccupied with catching butterflies. I think this is the best way to go about it, since chasing something often has ways of making it seem harder than it has to be. I guess if I confront the fear of being late to a relationship, I kinda realize how it feels scarier than it should be. If I’m happy regardless, why should it matter? And is it something that is so bad that should warrant neglecting other parts of my life to rush myself into someone who may not be that compatible with me? I know that I love easily, and that someone really doesn’t have to be even close to perfect for me to truly love them — and while that’s a good thing, that doesn’t mean that I should settle for someone who is below some reasonable threshold for satisficing. Plus I have the nice safety net of being a successful man, I think my odds only improve the more time goes on, so I don’t need to worry about missing some peak or anything like that. I guess I don’t have the heart in me to give my word that I’m giving up on N, but I think I’m stepping back. Maybe this is one of those friends who I get along with great in person and then I kinda forget about until they’re back in person. Like A, or F even. Same with S, L & N kinda, and the list goes on. I’m happy that I can feel these things, but it’s probably better saved for someone who feels similarly to me. Love shouldn’t feel like you are convincing them of it. I’ll happily wait until she’s as nervous as I am about her.