I haven’t had much time to journal since I’ve been sleeping late recently, mostly because I’ve been talking with E late into the night or playing games with friends. That’s a good problem to have for sure. I talked with E today about some stuff and I started feeling depressed, so I wanted to isolate. We ended up talking later and she actually was really kind and patient, and wanted to learn how to best support me. She handled everything really well and I’m super grateful for that. I’m so excited to see where this goes. I think I’m going to ask her out as soon as is relatively reasonable lol.
It kinda sucks to be this way, since I then set my expectations somewhat near that. It feels like I have to babysit and hand-hold so many conversations, and so much excess burden sits on me unnecessarily. That ends up weighing me down, and I sometimes wish that I didn’t have to carry that.
I setup a minecraft server for us to play together, and we played till 1 am. And then we talked until 4 am. I’m about to pass out, but god she’s amazing. She’s so great in so many different ways. I’m falling for her hard, honestly falling is the wrong word because I’ve already fell.
What a whirlwind of a last few days. So me and E went on our first irl date, and it went super well, with us spending about 8 hours together. Then she got locked out so I grabbed her to sleep over, and then today I drove her to the airport. We just played games for like an hour, and it’s nice because I feel comfortable with her. I absolutely can see me asking her out after a bit, I just don’t want to rush things. I’m a bit worried how fast I’m moving but I don’t see blatant red flags (I hope).
We spent the whole afternoon and then night together. Then she got locked out of her apt and so I grabbed her and she’s sleeping over. I’m mentally exhausted but happy I think.
I guess my favorite color is a bit of a red tint lol. I had my first “date” with E just now, and we played games on discord and talked for like 6 hours. She’s about to go to the bay for 2 weeks before coming back, and so we planned dates today and tomorrow before she leaves. I really like her as a person and hanging out with her, but as the night got a bit later some of the red flags kinda came out. She is very deranged in the way of being incredibly open and sharing information, but I feel like I’ve seen this pattern in my past of these things being very explosive. I hope that’s not the case, but I guess I am a bit emotionally guarded and grounded in other aspects. I guess I hope they find me attractive.
The feelings have gone away, and I notice that it’s almost because resentment fills in the empty space. While we’re in person, I feel great and connected, but remotely it feels very distant. I don’t think that this is a bad thing and I hope this doesn’t seem like I’m blaming her or saying she’s doing something wrong, but at least for me I think I would want a partner who actively wants to interact with me. I really value when people initiate, and realizing that I’m playing these weird games of wanting to regulate my responses exhausts me. She doesn’t respond to all of my texts, and when she does it’s very delayed — and since I’m the kind of person to respond when I see a notification, and I have access to my phone a lot of the day, I end up responding way faster. I start to overthink this then as it feels like I’m like a dog waiting for her command. I start to realize that it’s a problem when I started again thinking about solutions as in randomizing delays for her notifications, so that I don’t respond quickly, but also I don’t get overwhelmed with unanswered notifications pending. But the easier solution is just take a step back mentally from them, I think she may be an avoidant type of person, and she’s great to hang out with — just maybe not to rely on. I want to restate to myself that I am not some desperate person hoping for someone to latch onto. I realized that my problem has somewhat shifted, where recently I’ve had to face the issue of politely rejecting people instead of ghosting them. I also have had resounding positive feedback from many different people, including people in relationships. I honestly just enjoy building my garden, and I’m not too preoccupied with catching butterflies. I think this is the best way to go about it, since chasing something often has ways of making it seem harder than it has to be. I guess if I confront the fear of being late to a relationship, I kinda realize how it feels scarier than it should be. If I’m happy regardless, why should it matter? And is it something that is so bad that should warrant neglecting other parts of my life to rush myself into someone who may not be that compatible with me? I know that I love easily, and that someone really doesn’t have to be even close to perfect for me to truly love them — and while that’s a good thing, that doesn’t mean that I should settle for someone who is below some reasonable threshold for satisficing. Plus I have the nice safety net of being a successful man, I think my odds only improve the more time goes on, so I don’t need to worry about missing some peak or anything like that. I guess I don’t have the heart in me to give my word that I’m giving up on N, but I think I’m stepping back. Maybe this is one of those friends who I get along with great in person and then I kinda forget about until they’re back in person. Like A, or F even. Same with S, L & N kinda, and the list goes on. I’m happy that I can feel these things, but it’s probably better saved for someone who feels similarly to me. Love shouldn’t feel like you are convincing them of it. I’ll happily wait until she’s as nervous as I am about her.
Today I went to pilates for the first time with D and K, and afterwards we ended up just talking for a long time. I ended up getting to know K a lot better, and she seems like she could be a good friend. I did notice, however, that especially with N, M, and K, they are absolute bombshells, and the kind of people that get put on pedestals as some sort of prize. But both getting to know them as people, and also learning about their flaws and shortcomings, I weirdly feel like it’s such a weird perspective shift. I think M is a great example, she has a few thousand people on her stories thirsting over her, and is conventionally very attractive and fetishized. But to me she’s a fucking dumbass that’s stubborn, a bit reckless, but well intentioned. When I think of her I don’t see an image of her body or anything like that, but I rather see her aruging with me about how alcohol is not a diuretic like I’d imagine a little sister would. Same with K, we talked a lot about socializing and the struggles of connecting to people, and how we both struggle with anxiety. And then I go home and look at her instagram after exchanging it and she looks like one of those ABG models. It’s so funny that these profiles you see online are slightly awkward goofy people in real life, that you have so much more in common than you’d think. I was crushing HARD on N today, and I think that’s kinda mellowed out after D brought me a bit back down to earth saying she doesn’t think N has a crush on me. I think it’s funny how someone may see N at a party or like that and think she’s an insane baddie (which she is), and they don’t know how she gets pissed when doing ass at the light-up square arcade game I dragged them to. Or how she is slightly awkward and does this high voice mocking thing. Or how she is subtly prideful about different things about her, and how she gently looks for that validation.
I think it’s a weird thing when people are so beautiful, I think similar to when someone is very unattractive it’s hard for people to get to know them. I think on both ends people don’t get to see who they are because of how they look. What a weird horseshoe spectrum.
I thought my crush was gone, but I think I’m kinda falling for N. It’s a shame because I don’t think she’s emotionally available, and I don’t think she feels the same way. But I can’t really help myself; every small hint feels like a possibility. She even hit me the way I like. And my god, she’s beautiful. She’s masculine in the ways that I like, and she’s feminine in the ways I like also. Plus smart, funny, and kind to me. I find myself wanting to be better for her in some ways, like I wanted to look better and I want to be stronger and push myself to impress her. She asked what love feels like and I feel like I could give her a better and better answer each time I interact with her. Or at least what a crush feels like. I guess I just really want to get to know her better.
N asked what love feels like, and I said the answers I have already thought of. But on my drive home I thought a bit more and I think love is the absence in your heart once it’s gone. I think you really feel love when you finally are faced with potentially losing it. But maybe that’s an unhealthy view of it. Am I saying I think love is when you don’t want to let something go? Because sometimes when you love you let them go for their sake. Maybe the pain is how you know you loved.
I think it’s not a brave thing to bottle things up. There’s a really weird notion that masculinity is the refusal to ask others for help or to reach out when struggling. But when I think about it, I think that’s the cowards approach, to afraid to be hurt from admitting you want help and someone saying no. It’s admitting that you would like someone else to be a part of your life. It’s admitting that someone matters to you and that they help. And I think that’s a terrifying thing for a lot of people, and so I think it’s very brave when people are willing to put themselves in harms way. I think it’s the same bravery that I feel proud of myself for, I’ve been abrasive and I’ve been myself and I’ve been weird and I’ve done my best to be unapologetic about it, and that authenticity has helped so much. But I don’t think I’m fully authentic, because when it gets late I feel this crash emotionally, and suddenly the little things get to me. Two people walking on ahead and I think about how I am the outsider and I am the first to go, and there is not a safe place for me where I know I am wanted. And I know that I’m wrong, and I know that it’s insecurity and delusion and it’s issues from childhood that I can do nothing but give myself sympathy for right now. And I guess I can also remind myself that it’s not true. But it sticks with me.
N asked me if I felt bad when people said I was big, and I told her that I never think that I’m big. How funny that is given my username, and I guess domain name lol. But I told her how I feel good about myself in the mirror when I feel happy, but then I put on clothing and I think I’m again just a small boy. I look around and I see men, and I see people with large arms and taller than me, and it doesn’t feel like they have to posture up or convince others that they should not be fucked with. But then I look at myself and I feel like I’m fighting and working so hard to fall short of what other people have by default. I’m doing so much to try to convince the world that I am a man. And so I kind of resigned to it, and so I take solace in the fact that I’m not really a man in the common eyes of society, and this gives me the freedom to be weird and feminine and strange. Look at this blog as an example. I wear stupid pieces of clothing, and I have very pronounced mannerisms and I’m very expressive. I don’t do this from full freedom though, I do this because I’ve kind of accepted that I’m not winning any performance, and so I have the freedom of losing. You’re not afraid to do things when you’ve already lost. And I don’t think that I’m someone that is easy to love, and I’m a little bit afraid for if I think that I am. Let’s say someone convinces me that I’m not that hard to love, then that means that I have a chance and then I’m afraid to fail the performance. And so there’s a kind of comfort in this thought.