An Open Letter

Gambit worked, won first place 😎

Right now Hash is being a little deviant and he’s sitting on my bed trying to take the covers off (and succeeding). I’m glad to have him as my friend, I can always rely on him to be silly, and also care for me at the same time. I should really cherish him a lot more, I’m so glad that I have him; I’m sure he’s glad he has me too.

I think if younger me could see me now, I would be so happy with the things I surround myself with, and so even though I’ve progressively gotten used to it I want to be thankful for the amazing life I have.

Turns out that I’m not just sick, I have covid :(

Thank god nyquil single handedly alleviates Covid as a whole.

So every year Gaucho Gaming hosts a LAN tournament, and I haven’t gone since my first year. Some friends convinced me, so I decided to sign up; the only issue is the prizes for League of Legends is absolute dog water. However, Valorant has corsair as a sponsor with nice prizes, so I decided to sign up.

For context, I had only played valorant for less than 10 hours before in my life, back in the alpha. I ended up playing my ranked games, and got placed bronze 2 (5th lowest rank). After grinding some ranked with a friend, we worked our way down to iron 3 (3rd lowest rank). Now here comes the gambit: teams for the tournament are balanced around rank, so since I’m one of the worst ranks in the game, I should get absolutely GOATED teammates. If I can just try to learn as much as I can to be useful for my team, I think I have a decent chance at making it to the finals, since the top 2 out of the 6 teams will win a prize. The gambit starts at 5pm.

While skating to a class, I saw a girl with very pretty light blue hair and a punk rock aesthetic, and I complimented her on it. She said “thank you” but refused to make eye contact, and I thought it was weird till I realized that this was the person I had my first time with. I think it’s an almost liberating thing to be able to drastically change who we are in such a small span of time, I think that’s such a human trait to be proud of.

It does make me sad

That the dream of younger me

Is now just a day

I ended up going to two office hours, and at the in person one, I met other students who were also struggling with the same stuff I was. I talked with a good friend, and she reminded me that other kids are struggling the same way I am, and they have taken the prerequisite courses, and had been in the class since the start. I reached out to some people to ask for help, got validation that I was on the right track, and realized that I’m fully capable of it.

It’s almost funny how easily I sway from wanting to kill myself to being fully at peace, and feeling good with life. But either way I’m glad I’ve passed the storm!

I’m really worried because I’m starting to think about suicide again, it’s just popping into my head and I’m so scared because it seems like a nice solution. I can’t handle this course. I don’t understand the material, I don’t understand what people talk about when I google it, I don’t know how I’m (if I’m able to) get through this. If I can’t take this class now, yeah I could try to self study and learn the course material and prerequisites on my own, but what if I lose motivation and stop like I always do? I’m not cut out for grad school or god forbid PhD. I want it all to end, I don’t know how I’m going to go on. My chest hurts so fucking badly, I’ve been trying to teach myself the course material I’ve missed over the last few weeks, but it’s not fast enough and it’s not even lining up with the course material. I’m so afraid for myself and for my future. Someone please tell me it will be ok.

I know I’ve talked about this earlier, but I think music is an incredible way to feel connected, and validated. Recently I’ve been listening a lot to this song by Reignwolf, called Wanna don’t wanna. I wanted to make my daily post about how it relates to me. The chorus of the song goes:

I wanna die when I look in your face Don't even try getting out of my way It’s like you don't realize what you're doing to me I wanna, don't wanna, I wanna, don't wanna, I wanna!

For me, this really resonated because specifically of when Tonia (my ex) ghosted me. I remember distinctly how many times I saw her the months after, all while commuting back and forth from classes. I remember how all the pain would instantly come back when I would see her, and how everything would come to a standstill for a bit, with just me alone in my head. She would actively try to avoid me, by hiding or trying to get away from me as fast as she could, and without ever getting closure it hurt all the more. I don’t think that she was intentionally trying to hurt me as efficiently as possible, she was probably just doing what she thought was in her best interest; but regardless it still cut deep. I think the parallels are fairly obvious to the first three lines, but for the last line it reminds me of the process of healing. I wanted so badly to reach out and try to ask her to talk, to figure out what happened and to give myself closure. I wanted to see her face, see if I could fix what happened. But ultimately I know that it would be so much worse if I did that; and that I shouldn’t. I was constantly faced with that contradictory desire, on one hand wanting so badly to talk to her and reopen that wound with the chance of closing it completely, while I also knew that what I was doing would only make it worse and so I shouldn’t.

I’m glad to say I’m fully over it now, but it feels nice to know that there is some art out there that has some semblance of meaning for my own struggles. It’s nice to know someone has gone through something similar to you, and that they were able to create something nice out of it.

It concerns me how short these posts are getting, I don’t know if it means I’ve ran out of things I want to say to others or if I’m just thinking less, but I think its incredibly easy for me to just slip up and lose a day, or a weekend, or a week. If I don’t remain vigilant I will fall back into bad habits again, and I don’t want to fall back into those patterns.

I’m honestly afraid of what I can become again.