An Open Letter

Situation: Friend mentioned that they didn’t really want to go to concerts together

Thoughts: There must be some inherent trait about me that makes them not want to do that with me.

Feelings: Feel rejection, and also like there is something I am doing wrong.

Behavior: I get hurt, and I feel this resentment around them because of rejection.

Thoughts: This was them being honest, even if it had to be coerced a bit. That’s something I’m grateful for. Also, we are into very different styles of music – I also know that I usually don’t see friends as people I can be myself at concerts with. If I flip our positions, I would feel much more anxious at the concert and probably not enjoy myself as much if I went with them, or other friends for that matter. There’s nothing wrong with them, I just prefer being alone so I don’t have to worry about behaving a normal way. I can be at whatever energy I want.

Feelings: It’s an uncomfortable thing to hear, but not inherently bad. The only bad thing is the connotation that isn’t even necessarily true.

Behavior: I behave as normal with no resentment.

I’m just happy today. There are many things to be happy about and not many things for me to be sad about currently. I’m just going to try to enjoy this while it lasts. I talked with a friend about our cringe private Instagrams, and I mentioned that this blog would most likely be the next iteration of that – something I look back on later and cringe about. At least currently I don’t feel that way, partially because I think I at least write down some insights, and it’s not just me crying like my old Instagram used to be.

I’ve been getting a lot of kind messages from people on my YouTube channel regarding my AoC walkthroughs, and I’ve been very happy to hear I’ve been able to help out a lot of people! It’s a shame I haven’t been able to do that with any friends, but oh well. You can lead a horse to the water, give them a straw, and flavor it even but that bitch won’t drink it. I think that’s what the saying is.

Situation: I see a friend making a big mistake in life

Thoughts: This is something fully avoidable, and I would rather them think I’m overbearing rather than them regretting this much later.

Feelings: I feel upset at myself for having to be put in this position

Behavior: They don’t change anything, and I’m just overbearing

Thoughts: I really owe no obligation to other people, and so if they are making big mistakes that’s up to them. I can help people out when they want help, but otherwise I should let them do whatever.

Feelings: Feel sad that I see them make huge mistakes, and a big resentful because they aren’t putting in the same effort I had to. But also I feel a bit more free.

Behavior: Maybe they don’t regret their decisions, after all I always could be wrong on how things turn out.

Love you Suman ♥

I recently have been feeling like I’m not a good person. I’ve been mostly feeling this, as I’ve just been pretty depressed, and have stopped smiling in normal life. But at the same time, I was talking to a new friend, and they kept mentioning how nice or kind I am. I don’t feel comfortable for some reason hearing this from people, and I feel like I have to argue against it. I guess in my mind I’m always seen as the monster.

I did have to realize, at least I made progress in something. I bought my friends a game since both of them didn’t have the most financial freedom, and I had money from selling one of my things. One didn’t say anything, and the other told me to fuck off. I would do it again. I’ve been trying to do one nice thing every day with no recognition, and I weirdly feel like it’s worked. Who would have thought? I am happy just doing things I think are nice now, just for the action themselves.

I just finished recording, editing, and uploading my video for day 5 of AoC. I’m fucking POOPED. I am not looking forward to having to drink my protein/creatine shake and brush all that get ready for bed. I am eepy, I wanna just conk out now.

I think I journaled enough today, as I did vent earlier twice. I’m kinda over it, as in I realize it’s not that deep. I’m preemptively upset to protect myself, but also I might just let it run it’s course and what happens happens. No point being upset now.

I will say I looked back at the DM’s, and I really don’t think they understood what they did that was wrong, which really sucks. They think that their problem is that they flaked on something. I’m gonna stop myself here, because maybe I’m making an assumption that is invalid – let me clear that up before I jump to any conclusions. I think either way it really isn’t that deep. Or at least I don’t want it to be.

Situation: Friend who I had issues with didn’t say no outright, and rather gave excuses which was the original problem.

Thoughts: Nothing has changed, they will choose the path of least resistance for them, even if it leaves me in a state of limbo and anxiety.

Feelings: They don’t care enough about my suffering to even try being uncomfortable in the faith of healthy communication.

Behavior: I avoid getting close with this person, as they seem to not respect my wellbeing.

Thoughts: Maybe they have changed at least about the bigger parts. I think I have to be more patient with people, most people haven’t had a reason to change much, and that’s something good. I’m happy they haven’t had a reason for that, but at the same time it sucks then that they don’t know how to change better. So all I can do is be patient with them, and recognize the progress where it is. After all, I am grateful that they explicitly said “thank you for bringing this up”

Feelings: I feel a bit more understanding, and so I feel ok.

Behavior: I maybe put a little less weight into their actions, and shadow everything with this understanding for my own protection, but I still care for them as a friend and grow with them.

Something I want to tell them, but I probably can’t right now:

They asked me to explicitly say “It’s ok if you say no” when I ask them to do something or to join me with something. I think this is a bad idea for a few reasons:

1. I need to have the assurance that they feel comfortable saying no in regular situations, and it’s unreasonable to specify this on everything.

2. You get over things like this through stuff like exposure therapy. For that to work, there has to be exposure to something stressful. I have explicitly said several times it’s okay to say no, so in that regard, this is a safe thing, but at the same time, this is something where the first time is the hardest by far. They need to consciously say no at some point, and then see that everything is ok.

Regarding point 1, consent is undoubtedly incredibly important. But at the same time, it’s incredibly unreasonable to ask for consent with everything. Imagine if you had to ask your partner for consent every time you touched them on the shoulder, or gave them a high-five. This is an extreme example, but the point I want to make is there is an underlying trust that you can at any point say “I want to not do this”, and that it will be respected. This isn’t something that you need to explicitly ask every time after you have this level of trust and understanding. I think this is a similar thing here. I want this person to trust me enough when I say it’s ok to say no to anything, and to be able to use that also.

Ahh, incoherent rant aside it’s time for me to get ready for bed. Love you Big ♥

Right now I just feel like I don't have a voice. It feels like the things I say do nothing, and mean nothing. I kinda just wanna stay quiet from now on. What's the point of facing basically rejection when I talk about things that aren't inherently agreed upon. I thought after leaving my family it would change, but it kinda feels like nothing changed. I know I'm depressed right now, and so my present feels like all there is, but still. I can't help but feeling like it's my fault that they don't hear what I'm saying.

My dad's currently looking at getting a new car, and he wants to get rid of the old car that he currently has. That car is pretty much my dream car, and he's getting offered below market rate for it. But he won't let me buy it from them, and he's only giving me through proxy a bullshit reason, and so it doesn't even matter what I say as it feels like he doesn't respect me enough to tell me why not.

I kind of just accepted this because this normally happens, and I can't go through life expecting people to be upfront with me. I still hate it.

I asked a friend if they wanted to join me in some other friends taking some rec classes, and they kept giving me different reasonings or excuses. I always assume that people are going to be honest and upfront with things, so when their reasons why they couldn't take it turned out to be avoided, they changed the reason. I have no issues with people saying no, but when I feel like they have to lie to me or give a fake reason why not, that makes me doubt a lot of things. Maybe it's because I'm just not doing the best mentally right now, but it really did upset me because it feels like again they aren't respecting me enough to just say no. Now I'm forced to wonder if it's some more sinister reason like they do not want to hang out with me, or things like that. I wouldn't feel this way if they had just told me no that's not a class I want to take.

It’s 2 am, and I just got home from studying in the library for about 5 hours. I got home and recorded a video for my day 4 AoC walkthrough. I’ve gotten a lot of nice comments, someone even said I had a nice voice. That made me lowkey swoon, as I don’t really like the way my voice sounds.

I’ve gotten pretty anxious recently, I’ve noticed my physical tells are pretty frequent, and also mentally I have to force myself to do things socially. I honestly worry that I’m not being coherent a lot recently, like I’ll say something and not know if I said an understandable sentence. I used to be so eloquent, at least I would think of myself like that. But now I don’t know what’s happened. It’s hard to talk or write. I think I’m just too in my head.

Situation: I don’t want to go to the gym and workout

Thoughts: I just don’t have the energy or any motivation to. I’m tired.

Feelings: I feel like sleeping and stopping.

Behavior: I quit, and maybe stop going overall.

Thoughts: I told myself if I stop I’ll kill myself, because that’s just whats gonna happen anyway. There’s gonna be months where I have no energy ever, and no motivation to do anything. That’s where sheer willpower will make me do things. I can move my body, I can overcome my brain.

Feelings: This is going to hurt, but it’s mind over mind.

Behavior: I thug this shit out until I am less depressed maybe.

Love you, proud of you for sticking to things. It’s just like a muscle, keep doing things you want to do but have no motivation for. Goodnight, and I love you Anshuman ♥

In figure skating, backflips were banned after 1976, because they were too dangerous. Also, it was thought impossible to land on one foot, as figure skating tricks are normally done. Attempting the move would result in a 2 full-point penalty, just for TRYING it.

In 1998, Surya Bonaly (someone who was punished for her style being more athletic rather than artistic) fell during her routine, guaranteeing that she wouldn’t get gold. She had gotten robbed for many years, never getting it, even though she was incredible. After falling, she basically went “fuck this”, and abandoned her routine and went for the banned move, LANDING IT ON ONE FOOT. She became the first person in history to do that, which was thought impossible. The commentators even said “The judges won’t like that”, as she was hailing thunderous applause from the crowd. She finished her routine, and faced just the crowd – her back to the judges.

This gives me absolute chills. Imagine being robbed of recognition for years, and finally failing at the Olympics. And then saying FUCK IT. And doing an impossible, banned trick. For NEGATIVE POINTS. Sacrificing any chance you have at ranking at the FUCKING OLYMPICS. And proving the world wrong, about what really is impossible. And finally NOT EVEN LOOKING AT THE JUDGES AT THE END. If that doesn’t get you hype I don’t know what will. The ability to go to the highest level of something, get NO justice for your abilities, and say “fuck it I don’t care” and prove you’re that girl.

I aspire to have that love for something.

Situation: You don’t get recognition for something you think you deserve.

Thoughts: You need to tailor yourself to get that validation

Feelings: Feel sad, but also that you know how to change it

Behavior: You conform, and follow the rat race

Thoughts: You do things for the love of it, not for the validation

Feelings: In a weird way, I feel like you break out of a cycle

Behavior: You are free, you push what you love to new limits

God Surya Bonaly, you’re up there with Matthias Steiner for me now. One day do something like that Suman ♥

I just finished recording and editing day 2 of Advent of Code, this is going to be a pain I can already tell lol. My tutorial from day 1 got 500 views, and a surprising amount of people commented, liked, and subscribed. I’m glad I was able to help people out, and that makes me pretty happy!

That being said, today was pretty fucking horrible. Last night Hash was shivering, and seemed like he was uncomfortable so I was a bit worried. This morning, after our walk he suddenly started wincing, whimpering, and stopped walking. I called the vet to schedule an appointment and then had to go teach my section. When I came back, he was lying down and when I went to pick him up to put him in the car, he started shivering like crazy and whimpering. His abdomen was incredibly tight, and he looked in pain. The vet eventually got back to me and said possibly that he has a back problem, but she isn’t sure about what the issue is either. He could have swallowed something, a GI issue, or some other possible infection but no definite answer.

On Tuesday he has his X-Ray, which will cost $800 out-of-pocket. He might also need sedation, if he is super uncomfortable, which will cost another $600. I want what’s best for him, but at the same time, $1400 is a lot of money to get slapped with. I just want him to be ok, and not in pain. He now has a good amount of pain medication and some extras that hopefully should make him feel better.

Last night I barely slept at all, I was waking up almost every hour and was finding it very hard to go back to sleep. I’m afraid tonight might be the same.

Situation: Hash might need to be sedated for his X-ray, which will cost a lot of money.

Thoughts: I don’t know how I can afford this, and intrusive thoughts are getting bad.

Feelings: I feel horribly stressed, overwhelmed, and like a horrible person for the intrusive thoughts.

Behavior: I shut down completely, and I feel horrible.

Thoughts: If I need to spend the money, I need to spend the money. It is not the end of the world, I want him to be ok. Also intrusive thoughts don’t define my morals or who I am.

Feelings: I feel scared, but more reassured.

Behavior: I don’t let this anxiety dominate my life.

I love hash, and I love you. I pray for both of our health. Goodnight Suman ♥

Hi! I’m actually feeling good today, and it might just be because I took my medication which gives me a lot more motivation, but I feel happy regardless. Advent of Code started today! I’ve got some friends who are doing it with me, and I’m super happy about that. I decided for this year that I was going to record a walkthrough for each day, and it’s actually a lot more work than I thought. I ended up doing like 4-5 takes for different parts, but it ends up with a nicely polished(ish) video. I’m thinking I’ll also get better at this as time goes on, and I hope to stick with this project – as I want to do more video editing stuff in the future also. I have a ton of different fun projects that I’ve let sit on a shelf, so I’m hoping to at least do some.

I also successfully will complete NNN in 20 minutes, so that’s pretty cool – this was my first time intentionally doing it. I’m also being somewhat productive, working on my app for my final project, and it’s weirdly gratifying. I enjoy it a lot. I’ll keep this one short, as I have to teach a section tomorrow morning, and I want to have enough sleep for that.

Situation: Hypothetically I am a girl at the gym struggling with self-image, and some random guy comes up to me and goes “Hey, how’s the bulk going?”, while I’m trying to lose weight.

Thoughts: Some incredibly toxic ED thoughts would be my first guess, and also it would probably lock in as some core insecurity.

Feelings: Feel horribly shamed, ugly, all that bad stuff.

Behavior: Insecure, probably stop going to the gym, hide body.

Thoughts: Maybe the guy just wants to be cruel to someone random, or has something against women. There’s plenty of rational reasons for someone to say something like that, that don’t involve it being true.

Feelings: I’d probably be taken aback, but I wouldn’t let it really get to me as much. It’s just a one off instance anyway, there are plenty of reasonings that don’t involve me.

Behavior: No trauma!

Such a weird thing to do CBT about, but it was something I was thinking about at the gym today, and I don’t really know what else I’d wanna do CBT with today. Oh well! Till tomorrow, love you Karyios! ♥