An Open Letter

While skating to a class, I saw a girl with very pretty light blue hair and a punk rock aesthetic, and I complimented her on it. She said “thank you” but refused to make eye contact, and I thought it was weird till I realized that this was the person I had my first time with. I think it’s an almost liberating thing to be able to drastically change who we are in such a small span of time, I think that’s such a human trait to be proud of.

It does make me sad

That the dream of younger me

Is now just a day

I ended up going to two office hours, and at the in person one, I met other students who were also struggling with the same stuff I was. I talked with a good friend, and she reminded me that other kids are struggling the same way I am, and they have taken the prerequisite courses, and had been in the class since the start. I reached out to some people to ask for help, got validation that I was on the right track, and realized that I’m fully capable of it.

It’s almost funny how easily I sway from wanting to kill myself to being fully at peace, and feeling good with life. But either way I’m glad I’ve passed the storm!

I’m really worried because I’m starting to think about suicide again, it’s just popping into my head and I’m so scared because it seems like a nice solution. I can’t handle this course. I don’t understand the material, I don’t understand what people talk about when I google it, I don’t know how I’m (if I’m able to) get through this. If I can’t take this class now, yeah I could try to self study and learn the course material and prerequisites on my own, but what if I lose motivation and stop like I always do? I’m not cut out for grad school or god forbid PhD. I want it all to end, I don’t know how I’m going to go on. My chest hurts so fucking badly, I’ve been trying to teach myself the course material I’ve missed over the last few weeks, but it’s not fast enough and it’s not even lining up with the course material. I’m so afraid for myself and for my future. Someone please tell me it will be ok.

I know I’ve talked about this earlier, but I think music is an incredible way to feel connected, and validated. Recently I’ve been listening a lot to this song by Reignwolf, called Wanna don’t wanna. I wanted to make my daily post about how it relates to me. The chorus of the song goes:

I wanna die when I look in your face Don't even try getting out of my way It’s like you don't realize what you're doing to me I wanna, don't wanna, I wanna, don't wanna, I wanna!

For me, this really resonated because specifically of when Tonia (my ex) ghosted me. I remember distinctly how many times I saw her the months after, all while commuting back and forth from classes. I remember how all the pain would instantly come back when I would see her, and how everything would come to a standstill for a bit, with just me alone in my head. She would actively try to avoid me, by hiding or trying to get away from me as fast as she could, and without ever getting closure it hurt all the more. I don’t think that she was intentionally trying to hurt me as efficiently as possible, she was probably just doing what she thought was in her best interest; but regardless it still cut deep. I think the parallels are fairly obvious to the first three lines, but for the last line it reminds me of the process of healing. I wanted so badly to reach out and try to ask her to talk, to figure out what happened and to give myself closure. I wanted to see her face, see if I could fix what happened. But ultimately I know that it would be so much worse if I did that; and that I shouldn’t. I was constantly faced with that contradictory desire, on one hand wanting so badly to talk to her and reopen that wound with the chance of closing it completely, while I also knew that what I was doing would only make it worse and so I shouldn’t.

I’m glad to say I’m fully over it now, but it feels nice to know that there is some art out there that has some semblance of meaning for my own struggles. It’s nice to know someone has gone through something similar to you, and that they were able to create something nice out of it.

It concerns me how short these posts are getting, I don’t know if it means I’ve ran out of things I want to say to others or if I’m just thinking less, but I think its incredibly easy for me to just slip up and lose a day, or a weekend, or a week. If I don’t remain vigilant I will fall back into bad habits again, and I don’t want to fall back into those patterns.

I’m honestly afraid of what I can become again.

Watching poker games, and movies about gambling ruining peoples lives, I can’t help but to feel a sort of call, as in wanting to follow in the same footsteps. Something is incredibly calming and peaceful thinking about going to a casino to just gamble, and drink the night away. Having a group of friends to always to go, a safe place (at least other than financially) and of course the lure of alcohol to get away from life’s issues. I hope I don’t ever fall victim to it, but it does seem like a nice easy way out of a rough existence.

Unsurprisingly I feel completely unmotivated to post anything, as things often go for me. But I guess as an overarching component to it, is how easy it is to lose motivation. I originally wanted to study today, but after starting to play some games, even if I’m not enjoying it it takes too much effort to stop what I’m doing to start going through a textbook. It’s a shame the hedonic traps we fall into have been curated in the modern age.

Since I did well academically most of my life, that’s become the norm for me. However, taking certain special-topics classes for ML, which I plan to specialize in, I’ve gotten my ass beat. The reason success is a bad thing here is I’m not used to coming across something I don’t know if I can do. When faced with that soft barrier, I want to immediately stop. But the important thing is I prove to myself that I am capable of doing these things, as otherwise I will avoid this for the rest of my life.

I Find No Peace

-Sir Thomas Wyatt

I find no peace, and all my war is done.

I fear and hope. I burn and freeze like ice.

I fly above the wind, yet can I not arise;

And nought I have, and all the world I season.

That loseth nor locketh holdeth me in prison

And holdeth me not—yet can I scape no wise—

Nor letteth me live nor die at my device,

And yet of death it giveth me occasion.

Without eyen I see, and without tongue I plain.

I desire to perish, and yet I ask health.

I love another, and thus I hate myself.

I feed me in sorrow and laugh in all my pain;

Likewise displeaseth me both life and death,

And my delight is causer of this strife.

Pretty fitting this poem shows up now, another instance of divine intervention I guess. This poem to me is another evidence to be filed away about shared struggle, one that persists through time. For me the poem is about contradiction, on how things happen completely irrationally, at least at first glance. How natural it is for humans to violently waver in stance back and forth, for me most commonly realized in the simultaneous desire for human connection, and to be left alone. How easy it is to want the easy soft parts of interaction, but without the consequence or cost.

Isn’t it silly how we want things we don’t want? What curious creatures we are.