An Open Letter

I got coffee with C this morning, and finished up a good amount of chores. I texted several friends, and just sat in call playing random games and watching youtube with S. I’m very thankful to have the friends I do, and I think I’m incredibly fortunate with that.

Oopsie, I forgot to post something yesterday – I went to S’s parent’s house and helped out with yard work for several hours, and had dinner with them and just talked. Today I asked C to get coffee and we just talked for a while catching up on life. It’s not that hard.

Doomsday happened, and it was ok. I did end up crying 3 times at work which is hilarious because I don't think I've cried 3 times in a day before in my life, so hey! Progress.

I dropped V off at the airport, and he helped me understand what a good friend is like. A’s flight got cancelled and since I was there I ended up giving her a ride back and offering for her to stay in my apartment for the night. In front of my face she called someone else after saying she felt guilty for using him so much, and asked to stay at his house. I think once the initial hurt and frustration went away I think I can understand why, after all we really aren't that close and she probably can get a full bed or something there and not have to sleep on the floor with a dog. But also I think that kind of broke me out of my idealized world, and I got to see things a little more lucid. She has been a pretty bad friend from an outside perspective, but I still enjoyed the relationship. But also I'm kinda free to not feel bad or worry about anything because there's been a couple points which have showed she doesn't really consider me a friend, at least in my sense. And so to respect myself I'm not investing in this but rather just using this as an experiment to learn from. I got a little bit of exposure therapy by asking her to pay for part of the gas for the ride back which she begrudgingly accepted. Also I think I got a little bit more but that sweet sweet experience of doing something nice while knowing I will get no reward or return, and so I know I'm genuine. After she refused to give me a little candy that she brought 3 of (after she has eaten countless snacks that I have brought, and has accepted numerous rides for free) I still bought her a taco from Taco Bell because we were drunk and she was hungry but couldn't justify spending money for it herself. I would like to be an unapologetically kind person, and I want to work towards that. I think I struggle with a sense of community because of my childhood, but a benefit of that is how I didn't need to conform to my surroundings and I grew up as I did. I had plenty of time to think, and after all if I think the point of life is to experience as much as you can, then what better way than this. I'm nowhere near perfect, but I have raised myself to be someone I am proud of. I can go to sleep at night and be happy with myself.

Weirdly, seeing how A has been treating me made the clouds part. That combined with talking it out with people who love me.

If I knew that it would all work out in the end would I enjoy the journey

I find myself still preemptively hiding my meanings behind weird little blurbs of text. I set my status to “propped up” – to refer to the handful of stimulants I’ve been using daily to give me enough energy to not be depressed I guess. Today V and I finally took the random brain pills that were in my desk since the start, since today was effectively the last day we would be able to do that. Surprisingly the pills worked, and we locked the hell in for a few hours. Later we even got T to take one when she came up for a snack.

V is leaving in two days, along with A, K, I, and probably a few others I can’t remember right now. Thankfully T is still here, so that’s one familiar face. H left last week.

In my prior internships and summers, I just spent the time alone. I didn’t make any friends at work, and so I would just do my work and then go home to spend time with online friends where I could. I guess I was resigned to that fate to some extent. This internship I somewhat was going to do the same thing, but V made everything so much easier by adopting me like an introvert. Through him I met so many new people, and made good friends. These friends made everything so much less lonely. And those same friends are the ones who are going to make it so much lonelier when they leave. How does that quote go: “how lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard”.

I’m really going to strangely miss A. I think objectively she hasn’t been a great friend, there have been several things shes done that’s hurt my feelings and made me feel like I was somewhat taken advantage of – but at the same time she was great company and easy to talk to. It’s also nice to kinda see someone who can relate to depression at least. I enjoy talking to her.

I’m going to miss V a lot also. Interacting with him is always fun. I’m thinking back to the times we went test driving, and how he would hold everyone captive in the car as he attempts to kill us all. I always thought that was hilarious. Also our pingpong, I still don’t have the heart to tell him I let him win or get close so he keeps playing with me. He also did beat me at gokarting that one time fair and square which the inner child in me is still salty about. I’m glad to have friends to do things with.

I was talking to Pi earlier because the friends I reached out to were all busy, and I didn’t have it in me to ask for help explicitly. I told Pi that I felt like I had found people who get me at this internship more than I normally feel. I think it helps to be surrounded by people who are also CS or engineering, because they see the world in a similar way. I’m not getting clowned for using words like “heuristic” in a sentence, even though I do think I somewhat should be.

I’m afraid to lose these people, because that means that work will be a lot lonelier for the other 22 remaining days. I’m also afraid because is this what life is doomed to? Time to make another set of friends for one more year before we all move apart and stop keeping contact. I do mourn that sometimes. I think A would love to just rip it up on the highway, but at the same time would be somewhat afraid and look at me with the crazy eyes and make some joke about me trying to kill us both. He’s one of the funniest people I know, and I’m sad that I don’t get to interact with him nearly as much anymore.

This cycle is scary to me, but at the same time I do want to acknowledge the fortune I’ve had from having an online adolescence. My online friends like S, T and L have been with me for years, and it doesn’t matter where we move. I did wish that similar to Didi there was some media that portrayed my childhood. But also how the fuck is that supposed to work? I could not think about a single nice way to have a movie of a childhood on a computer, at least in a film setting. When I said this to A, she said she wouldn’t want to see a film like her childhood, and asked why I would want to. For me the answer popped up instantly, and it was because I wanted to know that I wasn’t alone in that experience. I think it’s almost ironically funny how difficult it must be to find someone who grew up like that, by virtue of the circumstances themselves.

After I tried crying in the shower to get some of these emotions out (I failed), I turned off all the lights except for my computer (which I forgot), and sat under the table on the other side of the room. I set a 15 minute timer, and just thought. Weirdly, that actually made me feel a lot better. It felt like that crushing dread and fear at least shifted. Probably because Hash saw me sitting on the floor and took it as an opportunity to sit on my lap, and once he was bored of being pet, we played some fetch. I’m grateful I’m not alone because I have Hash.

If I’m being honest, I’m afraid of the future. I don’t know how it’s going to go, and my brain has convinced me that I will be alone, since I don’t have faith in my ability to do things like make friends or adjust. It’s a terrifying thing, and I wish that I had the chance to learn that as a kid. But hey, at least I’m good at coding. I have to take whatever victories I can from that childhood.

I guess I’m kinda happy that I haven’t found my community or ideal friends yet, since life is still all in motion. It would hurt a lot to have to say bye to community due to something else, and I don’t know if I could bring myself to do that. I mean I literally was going to deny an Amazon SWE position paying $90 an hour to instead work at my current internship, mostly because then I’d be able to see S and L over the summer, and go on that roadtrip. They not once mentioned the roadtrip, and I only saw S twice lol. S has somewhat moved on and has prioritized her new irl relationships which I can’t blame her for, but it is a pretty big indicator on how things will go once we both graduate. I find myself being the one to reach out, and trying to interact and maintain that relationship. It’s a shame, but I guess I’ll just put it on pause until we get back in person and see how that goes. I guess something to be optimistic about is how happy I am with poor relationships across the board – that’s one perk of having a low bar, I’m happy with so little. I don’t mean that in any bad way at all even though I now see how that reads, but I genuinely really do appreciate and value traditionally poor relationships. I’m just happy to be here I guess, even in a cosmic sense. Once my forearms heal hopefully I can at least get out some of this emotion in the gym and that’ll help.

I went to watch Didi with two friends, And the movie really resonated with me in multiple different ways. I originally planned to write an analysis of some of my thoughts, but when dropping A off we were talking and after sitting in her driveway for a bit I asked if it was fine for me to keep driving and she said sure. We ended up driving for like 3 more hours, and it's now 2:00 in the morning with work tomorrow. Ill hold off for another day, but I do think these 2:00 a.m. talks or something that are worth it.

Thank god yesterday seems to be a temporary thing. I feel more or less better now, Still maybe not perfect, but better for sure. I think getting plenty of sleep helped – speaking of which I should have done today. I’m still sad that a lot of my friends are leaving this Friday because of the semester system, but at least it was a good reminder of how nice things can be if I give things a chance.

Last night my Dad slept over in my apartment since he would take the Prius down to SD to sell. I couldn’t sleep partially because it was way earlier than I’m used to, but also because I was just so depressed. I was thinking about the future and just why I felt that way. Also for the first time in months, I started thinking about killing myself. It was in those early stages, where the thought just pops in briefly – as in “Woah there! Those problems seem very scary. I know a great solution!”

I’m scared of the change that’s happening this week. Most of my friends I made are leaving, since they’re on the quarter system. I also did start getting more afraid or insecure from some of A’s comments rubbing off – like how they mentioned how S would invite her but most likely hang out with the others after dropping them off. Things like that made me feel insecure about my own situations, and it kinda did undo some of the CBT and therapy work that I’ve been doing. But also thankfully I’m in a place where I realized what’s happening and I’m at least aware of that fact.

I think this loneliness epidemic is a terrifying thing, and I understand why people enjoy having housemates now. It’d be nice to not be alone with your thoughts against your will if everyone’s busy. This year I’m going to push myself to again expand my social network.

Whenever I'm tired and unmotivated for a day, I find it hard to write something down here. I feel like I need to have some sort of insight or put down something meaningful, otherwise its a waste.

I got sidetracked spinning in my chair, and I was just thinking about how much I enjoyed yesterday's night out. I didn't even think about it, but that was the kind of thing that I used to dream about. I was with friends and we were drunk just out on the town. I'd like to remember that night, and I want to do it more often. I weirdly feel somewhat depressed because A is leaving this week and they're the person I feel closest to. Last night was the first time we went out and that was fun, and I would have gone more if I had more time. I hope I can find more people to do fun things with.

I just got back from a very long day, but I went downtown to San Francisco to club with a few friends. We missed our train afterwards and so we wandered around for a little bit and went to a Safeway and Taco Bell while both of them were drunk out of their minds and I was relatively sober by that point. I guess I kind of got to live out that childhood fantasy of taking care of friends while drunk. I also did several nice things with no reward or benefit, and I'm kind of grateful for that circumstance because at least then I can say I did it for me. I think I would like to try volunteering to help the homeless.