Tomorrow morning at 11 AM I have an interview with Amazon for a SWE internship. I’m definitely nervous but here’s to hoping everything works out and goes well.
Also today, I was in Costco, and I was almost moved to tears several times by some songs – specifically “Piano Concerto No. 2 in C Minor Op. 18” by Rachmaninoff. The song was written after a long depression and was dedicated to his psychiatrist for helping him get out of it. In Costco for some reason today I felt like the world had color again. I was just happy, not because of my year-long goal, but because I was happy.
R – 3 breaths
E – I am worried about my interview tomorrow, especially because I’ve never failed an interview before and so I’m worried about breaking that streak. But also think about that poem you set your bio to:
Never regret thy fall,
O Icarus of the fearless flight,
For the greatest tragedy of them all,
Is never to feel the burning light.
It is better to have tried and failed rather than never try at all.
S – Give it your all, and either way you will have been proud. Either the pressure is gone from failing, or you get a position at amazon lol.
T – Tomorrow morning prepare a bit more, and then get a good nights rest tonight.
for a grand total of 1005 pounds, all within a year of starting the gym!
I technically haven’t pushed squat yet, that will be in 2 days, but no matter what I’ve reached my goal. I didn’t feel any pleasure after it, I was pretty depressed so I felt nothing really. But at least I did it.
R – 3 breaths
E – I hit my unreasonable goal, and I didn’t feel happy or overwhelming joy in any way. I was just depressed, and so pretty much nothing would have changed that.
I had therapy today at an awkward time so I decided to do it right before I do my deadlift day. I woke up at 5 AM against my will this morning because I was so anxious for deadlift. I ended up coming home to write this and charge my phone, partially because I was on the verge of tears during therapy.
I stopped myself from crying and now I’m apathetic. Or not, just that familiar dulling of everything from depression. How am I supposed to express the pain I feel when everyone’s home with their family and I’m alone more than I thought. There’s too many things I’m afraid of and scared about. There are too many traps I set that have no clear way to beat. I feel like I’m in a game of chess against my own mind and I’m on the verge of loss. It feels that way at least.
My dad said he’s proud of me, and I felt nothing. I don’t think he means it. I guess I don’t know what it’s like to have someone be proud of you. It never registers whenever people say it. It’s a weird combination with the guilt I carry with every thing I do where I’m not bad. I don’t want to share my achievements anymore. I dislike myself every time I do it feels like. I don’t know if I deserve the praise or good things, if it only gets transmuted into fuel to blame myself.
I told my therapist how I wanted to break down crying into my mothers arms, but I can never do that because I would cry about how I don’t have a mother like others. The feeling is so worn it’s not even envy anymore. I just feel longing. It’s almost like something genetic that couldn’t change. It’s like I’ve been paralyzed since birth watching someone run. I don’t believe it could change, and it’s not like my childhood could change either. The thought of talking to your parents as yourself is foreign. I almost want someone to validate it to me. I want someone to see the way I am at home and feel shock to who they see. Those are two completely separate worlds, reality and home. There’s no intersection between them. How is someone supposed to see what it’s like behind closed doors? My parents are good at seeming like normal parents in the handful of cases where they’ve been around others. I wish my parents were always like that. I wish they smiled, and said nice things. I wish they hugged me as a child and all that. I wish, I wish, I wish.
So my one-year mark is coming up soon, and my preparation has all been for these days. Today was bench, and my ORM went from 245->265 lbs! This was 5 pounds more than B thought my max could be, which is a sick thing and I will gladly take it. Tomorrow is deadlift, and that’s the one I’m most worried about. My current plan is 265 for bench + 405 for deadlift would mean 330 for squat which I think I can do fairly easily. Or at least I hope. Oh well no point psyching myself out now, I just need to go out there and rip it! I hope I’m happy with whatever happens.
R – 3 breaths
E – Bench went better than I expected, so now if I can hit 4 plates on deadlift tomorrow I’ll be set. I’m most worried about that, but I shouldn’t psych myself out.
S – Go eat now and get proper rest so you’re ready tomorrow
T – Get off the computer and go eat then sleep lol
Just spent most of the afternoon playing games with S and L, and afterwards me and L stayed up taking random quizzes and talking for like two hours. It’s 2 am and time to go to bed finally, but I just wanted to notarize how I love these moments. I love both of them.
R – 3 breaths
E – A didn’t want to go to get air on a first date, but is interested in a date. This means they have to be interested in me to some extent, and so by proxy that means that people can be interested in me.
S – Accept this as a piece of evidence to go against conditioned thoughts
T – Nothing at this moment, just accept that people can like you
I’ve recently been thinking a little bit more about what I’m willing to tolerate in a relationship – as in what to settle for. I was talking with S today about how my gold standard has been T, who I am starting to consider may be an unrealistic standard to set. I clicked incredibly well with her, but that may be because it was a synthetic personality tailored towards me, so it may be unreasonable to expect someone to click that well with me normally. Obviously relationships are compromises, the same way any friendships are. But I guess the thing to think about is how detached to possibly be in a relationship.
R – 3 breaths
E – I don’t fully understand what A is like, and so I may be idealizing a version of her in my mind.
S – A drink thrown in your face is a person checked off, better to know than not.
That was a fucking horrible date lol. I think I need to let her down easy somehow. Man this shit sucks.
I honestly think online dating has been pretty depressing, most of the people I've met have seemed very unrepresentative of real life. I think if online dating was the only option I would prefer to just stay single.
R – 3 breaths
E – online dating has shown some interesting people who I feel like I'm compromising for. But also there are people who seem good and promising, so maybe I shouldn't generalized too quickly.
S – Maybe don't put too much weight into it. Remember the real logistics behind it and apply that using bayesian logic or whatever
T – relax and understand the prior before making generalizations
I feel myself rotting away already, break hasn’t even officially started and I’m already slowly losing it. I hate breaks so much. Idle hands really are the devil’s plaything.
R – 3 breaths
E – I’m going insane with no work to do and no socialization because break is starting, I should push to spend time with my friends online.
I took today to be an absolute degenerate again, I ended up getting out of bed at 3 PM and did virtually nothing, because today is even my rest day. Life’s good in a weird way. I have been texting someone new (A), and I’ve been really enjoying their sense of humor. They kinda remind me of N, but also not nearly as rude (jk love you N). Things seem to just fall into place, everything’s kinda just fine.
R – 3 deep breaths
E – Just notice that women are interested in you, and how you are getting positive attention from several different independent sources.
I guess I don’t want to take too much time to write about things as I’ve kinda ruined my sleep schedule already out of my own hubris – but I do want to note that today was a good day. I’m content with my life and happy. Things aren’t all where I want them to be, but it’s ok regardless.
R – 3 deep breaths
E – I notice that I put this journaling off until the last thing I do before I get into bed, and so I usually half-ass it as I want to just get into bed.
S – Let me try to do this a bit earlier, maybe I do this after I finish working out like I do with meditation.
T – Tomorrow after my workout when I get home do my daily post