An Open Letter

A digital journal

it’s 2:24 AM, and I am pretty exhausted. I’m just going to attribute it to being exhausted from yesterday, and so I’m just going to postpone writing. Today I finished the linear cryptanalysis CTF, and so I’m done with all of my homework. Finals are almost over, and I’m honestly just exhausted. This was a good year.

// TODO: write this post when you are not about to fucking pass out after driving for so long

I just got back from the concert, and found a random church parking lot to sleep in. I miss hash, but also I had a really fun time. I'm looking forward to tomorrow where I have another concert but also a day to do absolutely nothing.

Tomorrow I’m driving down to Santa Ana, and sleeping overnight in my car so I can go to two concerts back to back. I’m going to have a full day of downtime in between where I’ll be in my car, so I’m planning on just exploring and maybe finding a nice library to chill in. I hope I can sit down and actually write then. Oh well, time to get some sleep for it since it’s 3 AM. God I hope I can fix my sleep schedule at some point.

Recently for the last few days I’ve had a strange urge to write. I have never written before, but I find myself thinking about little scenarios to just try to write something about. I think reading books has made me somewhat inspired, but I definitely know that just like any other creative project it will fall miles short of where I aim. I guess this is somewhat tied into the concept of perfectionism, and how that’s just writer’s block repackaged. I need to get over my fear of making things badly, or doing things badly overall I guess.

Since stopping powerlifting, I’ve felt kinda shitty about the gym. Losing the super strict regimen has led me to cut some corners here and there, and with the non powerlifting planning I definitely don’t progress nearly as fast. Today I hit a PR I guess, because I benched 235x3. I weirdly feel like this is somewhat representative of other aspects of my life – struggling to love things if I am no longer good at them. I used to be way better at overwatch, but now I’m bad, and it kinda sucks. It’s nice to be right there with my friends, but I also kinda miss the ability to just try and win. There are several other things in life where I am not as good as I’d like to be, and I want to figure out a way to stay motivated to those things too.

I hope I write something down here.

I ended up working today on the blog some more, I got an editor working along with adding it to the database automatically. I had a pretty solid day, but I’m a bit upset I still don’t have any work. I’ve been wanting to get better at Overwatch, partially because I want to be good at the game again. I guess I just hate the feeling of having no control when getting stomped in a game. but also it is nice to be at the same skill level as my friends. I’m not really sure what to do, but also at the end of the day does it really matter? Oh well, time to try to fix my sleep schedule.

It’s 3 AM and I decided to stay up to play with F. My internet ended up cutting out twice today, which kinda ruined my mood I guess. I should anyway get ready for sleep. I didn’t end up working on the blog at all this weekend, so I’m a bit disappointed in myself for that I guess. Oh well, another short entry because I waited till 3 AM.

I’ve had no homework or any work for about a week now, and I can’t handle this. Especially with this 3-day break, I've started to just rot away. I don’t enjoy playing games that much, and I just waste all of my time on my phone. I did nothing today. This is my personal hell, I just want work so I can leave this.

I ended up finishing my book last night because I couldn’t sleep, and now I have to wait till it comes from Amazon. I’ve kinda decimated my sleep schedule if I’m being honest but I thankfully have a 3 day weekend! I’m looking forward to doing absolutely nothing. That’s it I guess. Oh, hopefully I work on the blog at least a little bit over this break.

I came home from my date and saw that my microphone cover was missing. I got worried because there’s no way it just falls off, as it’s pretty tight and doesn’t even slip off normally. I looked around and then said the first thing in a few weeks to my housemate – asking if he knew what happened. He said, “Maybe the wind blew it off.” I’ve had my window open the entire year, the microphone stand is behind my monitors, and also was facing upright. Meaning the wind would have had to magically blow from bottom up, and also pull it off the microphone itself. Either way, I tried to give the benefit of the doubt and looked around and found nothing. After looking through my entire room to make sure Hash didn’t swallow it or eat part of it, I found it tucked behind my desk, on the side of my PC. This is first of all, TOWARDS the window, where the wind would have been “blowing” from. It was also blocked by my monitor, and hidden BEHIND the desk, meaning there’s no way it fell that way. Also, it was put in a place where it was perfectly out of sight from the front, but reachable if someone wanted to put it there. It also had no bites or any marks to show that Hash touched it, and it was anyway in a place that Hash could physically not reach.

I confronted him, asking if he knew how that could have happened, and he said “I don’t know, if I wanted to annoy you don’t you think I would have taken something else?”. I didn’t say that he did it, and he basically snitched on himself. I’m fucking livid, as he’s been retaliating for a while for the things he’s been doing wrong, and I DIDN’T EVEN ESCALATE IT TO MANAGEMENT. My RA said that I was fully able to escalate it since he was violating the lease also, and I said not to. This was especially painful for me because Mama used to hide my personal belongings when she was upset with me, and wouldn’t say anything and deny that she did it. This has always been a very triggering thing for me, and so this set that off very badly because I always get suspicious and feel like I’ve been stolen from when things go missing. I wish I could get revenge or something because I’ve just sat down and taken all of his passive-aggressive bullshit. He even keeps filling up his trash can in the bathroom with stuff like dirty napkins and floss, and won’t throw it out. He also keeps purposefully leaving the bathroom door open, and so when I get home sometimes Hash has gotten into that and brings the dirty tissues into my bed and shreds them up and eats parts. That hurts his stomach and I see it in his stool sometimes which is scary to me because I don’t want him to get hurt. I wish I didn’t have to sit down and just take it.