I went to the gym and I didn't have the greatest workout, but was definitely something I needed I think. I spent a little bit just playing basketball afterwards and listening to a podcast from Andrew huberman.
I think I said this before just agree with A, but I really do believe it now. One thing is we have different communication styles. Before, I would say this but I thought that what I was doing was right and what she was doing was wrong. But I absolutely realized that was nowhere near perfect either. Speaking with the Prof M helped me understand that me trying to be kind and gentle by being passive was what led me to finally be aggressive in the fight that we broke up over. I absolutely was aggressive, and I just could not see that before. This was the direct cause of me not properly communicating beforehand, and I am not blaming myself solely for that, but at the same time I absolutely could learn and practice being more assertive without being passive, nor aggressive. Me being so passive was something that led to this incompatibility. At the end of the day, I cannot blame her at all for this because I equally have problems in my communication it's just harder to see when it's yours.
But also, there really was problems on both of our ends. It's easy for me to fixate on her problems because they're not mine lol, but I absolutely do have a lot of problems that I just kind of masked up and that caused friction. I don't think that having problems disqualifies me from connection, but at the same time I need to acknowledge that I really accept that on past just a service level. I think it's unfair to both of us if I just think that I did not let any of my issues leak through.
I think one of the biggest problems for me and how I've neglected social connection, and I think that directly led to a lot more friction than was necessary. I think me also having the conversations to help of needing to confront and address every issue was pretty conflicting to her preference, which is just a difference in communication style. I think I was also too concerned about how she may feel in reaction to something and that led me to self censor and that was unhealthy for both of us.
At the end of the day, we both absolutely had our fair share of problems in several aspects, and those unfortunately those end up kind of conflicting and I think we both have our work cut out for us in the long term. But the nice thing about this is we can both be happy in saying that we tried and it was a good learning experience, for both of us. And we can still be friends, while knowing that My personal styles don't match up for a relationship. But that doesn't mean we still can't do stupid shit together, and be friends.
From the weirdest place I got some incredible support and advice. The professor for the class I TA texted me to check up on me, and then insisted on coming to pick me up to go get ice cream and talk/cry. While I was trying to figure out how to say no to her text, she called and we ended up talking for like 40 minutes. She surprised me with how much she knew about communication and relationships, and how she had also been broken up with from a 6-year relationship. She told me a lot of good things, but I think a really big takeaway for me is at the end of the day we will not have compatible communication to the point where we can effectively resolve big problems. And because of that there is a limit to what is healthy and sustainable for us right now, and that isn't at a relationship. I know that being alone is terrifying, especially when you're hurting so much. But at the same time it will destroy you to constantly keep things inside due to the communication barrier. That will do more harm than good. It may be rough, but it is important to make connections rather than numb the problem of loneliness with a relationship that isn't meant to be. Yes this is absolutely fucking horrifying, but necessary.
A shift is safe in its harbor, but that denies it its purpose.
There's been a weight in my chest and a nausea that has refused to leave. I tried to throw up just now, I took my shirt and my glasses off and I kneeled over the toilet bowl and retched and heaved but nothing came out. Just saliva. The weight did not go away.
I feel such a crushing weight of loneliness. During the relationship I became aware of this fact, because I realized how I had neglected socializing and as a result I didn't have many IRL friends, and a lot of my online friends were busy in life. But with a relationship, I wouldn't be alone ever. Since she was always there, and since since she was always just a text away, I wasn't alone. But now that I have to face a life without that certainty, the loneliness has set in without the comfort of that being the norm.
I spent a lot of today talking with different friends, trying to understand how I'm supposed to move on. I sat alone with my thoughts, and then the loneliness would set in. And then I wanted nothing more than to reach out to her and be in her arms. I needed to talk with friends to remind myself on the bad parts also so that I could understand why this happened.
I think the way it works is combined you both have some amount of emotional capacity. That emotional capacity would would go to whoever needed it, and the problem was in this moment we both needed it, and we needed more than we had. The part that cuts me right now is I stopped writing because I started thinking about how it could work. If I had been more explicit about how I may not be able to be there for her, and if she could be aware about the things that would pull from my cup, then maybe we could manage our problems. And maybe the problems are lighter because no more finals, no more job interview, and I have some time to grieve my mom. But that's a risk, and I don't think it's one that should be taken. I think what would work best for us is the softer version of that, without so much expectation from both sides.
I just wish I would stop hearing the radio head in my head. And I wish I could have worked out. But it didn't and it won't. It sucks because it feels like the only person that understands everything is her, and I want to talk with her about how much breaking up sucks.
Today, she came over to grab her stuff, and we ended up talking for a while, which quickly led to crying and hugging each other. We talked about everything, and we both took turns saying our POVs. I showed her the video I had saved, and she understood. She even said she was sorry about the pain she had caused me in that, and I didn’t expect that at all. She also told me her side of things.
One was how much she was terrified after I had told her my fear about her being in person when we talked the night we broke up. I told her that I set the boundary on not being in person for that talk since I was terrified with how much I was hurting with the recent loss of my mom, and the agonizing breakup conversation, if something went too far for me and she pushed past my request to stop talking, I was afraid about potentially killing myself with the medications in my cabinet. I want to be clear and say that I don’t think this would happen, but I also know that at least once before in a conversation at lower stakes she had pushed past my request to stop talking and I locked myself in the bathroom to get away. But that being said, I said my reasoning for the boundary as an explanation of why, rather than a warning or anything like that. But that, in combination with the lack of communication after we agreed to break up left her in a paralyzing fear that I had killed myself. It broke my heart to hear that and I couldn’t even come to imagine how terrifying that must have been for her.
But more importantly, she told me that some of the things that I had said weren’t things that she could forget. I remember what she was talking about. The conversation all revolved around how she had unintentionally said something that hurt me in all the worst places, and to me it felt like she didn’t understand how much it had hurt me. I felt like if she had understood how much I was hurt, she would understand that I needed her to just validate my feelings and to be there for me rather than argue about how she didn’t mean to do that. In my frustration and rage, I told her that I could make her understand how hurt I was, and she told me to do it. I cannot begin to say how much shame and regret I hold for doing that. I then used the information that she had confided in me from a position of vulnerability to push on those fears and pains, all to try to get her to understand how an ‘innocent’ sentence on the surface could cause such horribly deep pain. In the moment I knew that this would hurt her, but I justified it by thinking about how she had hurt me so badly and she just couldn’t understand how deep that wound ran. I knew that there was a difference, in the fact that her comment was unintentional and mine wasn’t. Even though the end result was meant to be the same, she didn’t say that knowing that it would hurt me like that. But I did. I said that with the intention of hurting her that deeply. There are no other words to describe this but cruel. How horrific must it be to have someone you love use the information you trusted them with to craft a dagger to cut you to the core. I know I was hurt badly by what she said. And I know that I was hurting more because she wasn’t supporting me but hurting me more. But she didn’t mean to. She just didn’t know better at the time. I consciously chose to hurt someone I love in such a cruel betrayal. I’m so fucking sorry. I’m so fucking sorry A. Words cannot even begin to describe how much my heart breaks for realizing what that must have felt like for her. I wish I held that back but I didn’t, and the second best thing I can do is try to make it right if I can. I just don’t know how.
I know that she did things that hurt me, but I am not innocent in this either. I’m truly sorry for the hurt I’ve caused her.
I got home and just broke down crying. After a while of it stopping, it would happen again and I’d sob. One of the big issues was how much she dismissed my feelings. I’d tell her how I was feeling, and she’d argue with me about how that was not the case. Then, I would feel even worse. That’s pretty much all of our arguments. I found a video that explained it so perfectly well, and I wish I could send it to her. I’m almost upset that I found this video putting it into words so perfectly well, since now I desperately want to show her it so she may understand. But regardless, that ship has sailed, and nothing will change that. Her dismissing of my feelings was one part of the problem, but she still didn’t have the space to try to understand me or get to know me, and it felt like I was always focused on her in the relationship. It felt like the love went away with each of the papercuts that led to this death. The part that hurts so bad right now is this bargaining I guess, where I’m trying to convince myself that it could still work out, maybe in a week from now or so she can watch that video and magically change that problem overnight. But she would still not have enough space for me. And she would still have all of her problems that would be put on my plate, and I would be forced to be like a therapist for her. She would still get aggressive and angry whenever we tried to talk about something serious, and I would have to just sit down and take it. I don’t want that anymore. I’d rather be single.
Even though we have all the information in the world from the internet I feel like I haven't understood why people would break up like this until I'm thrown deep into the ocean by it. We ended up agreeing that we should break up last night. For me I had been feeling this way for a while, because we kept having a pattern of her doing something that would hurt me, and then there wasn't a good way for me to be able to communicate that to her. I don't blame her, but I guess we are just different people. I really tried to make it work, but at some point it just wasn't going to. It hurts really bad because both I don't want it to end and I want it to work out, but at the same time it's just been eating at me and hurting me and it's for the best. It hurts because it's almost intangible on why we couldn't make it work. Like I'm struggling so much just to even put it into words, and I don't even know if I can.
I thought I was doing fine and okay, talking with friends and exercising and all that, but when I went to do my laundry and it's dark outside I realized I didn't have enough Tide pods and I almost broke down crying. This grief is painted by relief, but the grief refuses to let me forget that it exists. Fuck trying to write this in a artistic way or any stupid things like that, it really fucking hurts and I wish it didn't happen like that. Like I just don't know where the love went. It seemed so promising at the beginning, but the more and more we were together, it felt like she understood less and less of me. I felt like I just always had to argue for myself and something like that, but I don't think that's what love is supposed to feel like.
She said that she was upset that I don't listen to her problems as much anymore, and that's been because I've been struggling so fucking bad and on top of it less than a week ago I lost my mom – which was also something that she accidentally dug a knife into and that's what caused this whole thing. Well I guess it wasn't what caused it, I feel like this was coming for a while. I think more and more when we interacted love slowly turned into an understanding that she didn't get me and she wasn't going to. I kept feeling like to her I was just a benefit or resource to be used, but not an individual. I just felt so lonely when I was around her, that's a horrible feeling and I don't think that's what love should be like.
Since it's been hurting like this for a while and I fully was losing hope and finally lost all hope, it doesn't hurt as bad as I think it would have otherwise. I feel like I'm terrifyingly free. And lonely. I just wish it could have worked out, but at the end of the day I just never felt like she cared enough.
She would only do the things that I needed or try to understand me when I break apart in front of her, and in that dust I need to spoon feed her the puzzle pieces on how to love me. And then the second I start to reform myself into a human, that goes away. I don't blame her at all. I think she has so much strife and trouble in her life that maybe she just did not have the space for me in her mind, but that's still hurts me and I just could not take that.