An Open Letter

I think I learned from my breakup with A that having friends and social connections in place makes breakups much easier, as compared to T. So far I’ve been having such an amazing time with E, and I do feel like this is a lasting relationship. But also I think there has to be some level of responsibility of preparing for a potential worst case, where I neglect other friendships or relationships and then if something happens I’m struggling alone to rebuild stuff.

Whether it’s healthy or not is a different question, but I spent the last three days with E. I really love her. I think it’s shocking how secure she is, especially because she hasn’t had consistent therapy like I have. But at the same time she is Planning on joining therapy again and it feels like it is only going to make a good thing even better. I honestly feel like I would be happy spending the rest of my life with her. Is it weird for me to say that so early? I obviously know that only time will tell and I still have that healthy apprehension because we haven’t hit the 3/6/9 month mark. But I’m optimistic.

I’m a little bit in my head today. E felt bad after freaky time because she didn’t understand how to push my buttons the same way I could for her. We talked about it, but a little seed was planted in my head that seems to have a bit of root to it. I realized I felt like I hear judgment whenever I open up or talk about my weirder side of stuff. It sucks because whenever she has weird stuff, I consciously make sure she doesn’t feel judged or weird for it, and I am excited to help her indulge in it. But for me, whenever I talk about stuff, it feels like she has to think about if she is even ok with the thought of it, and it feels like it’s a concession she has to make, rather than something she’s excited to explore with me. And that feeling sucks. I’d like to feel comfortable being myself, and not like I have to repress parts of me because I’m afraid of seeing her judgment. In a perfect world, I’d love it if she were excited to try things out with me. It’s a bit conflicted in my mind because she both says that she wishes she knew how to push my buttons more, but when I tell her, I’m met with the human equivalent of :/ it feels like. I don’t know what to do about this either, because what can I do? Do I just have to tell her to blindly feign interest? If she’s not enthusiastically consenting to it, then what can I do?

I’m not used to this around others. I’m afraid she doesn’t like me the way I like her and that’s so false. She got me a boo box, and it made me almost cry. Actually who am I kidding I fully was sobbing. I know she loves me. Be more secure man.

We played some games of league, and the first two games I was adc and she was support. Both games I made a lot more mistakes than normal, but I still played really well but we still lost. She messaged a friend saying how we were getting shit on, and it felt almost a bit personal where I needed to stomp to show that I was good. But I get that that’s an irrational thought, since she’s not concerned about that. But so the next game I go and do 10cs per minute, a kill a minute, and hard stomp the game as Irelia. Perfect 10 on OP.GG. But she’s playing jungle, and she’s in her head thinking she’s playing poorly. She makes some mechanical mistakes and takes it seriously. I just thought about how the feeling goes from her to me or vice versa.

Today was a pretty fucking shit day I’ll be honest. My car got broken into, they stole my backpack with my stuff, I got scammed out of a ticket to a concert for E, and my phone service transfer decided to fuck me so during the aftermath I couldn’t call or text my dad. And my phone died. I’m tired.

I’m in San Jose for a brief work trip and I asked E for recommendations. Some of the places she mentioned were above $100 per person, and I realized that I got a feeling of inadequacy, Exemplified by the fact that I don’t even have formal clothing to wear to a nice place. But I also am close enough with her and I can trust her enough to directly tell her about how I was feeling these ways to get that reassurance and she confirmed that it’s known an issue to her, and then I realized it’s just me being mean to myself on her behalf and it’s kind of stupid in that way

I’ve definitely noticed I haven’t been writing much as of late, and that’s because I’ve been consistently sleeping super duper late because of how much I’ve been talking or spending time with E. I’m so incredibly lucky to have her for so many different reasons.

Did Spartan race, things are good with E. I’m happy. Tired. Goodnight.

She can understand it, we just talked about it and she got it. I told her I haven’t felt like she wanted me physically, and her answer was she doesn’t want it, she does it for me. That guts me.