An Open Letter

I think this is one of those things where I’ve learned that no matter what there’s no winning this game. I’m both happy that I’m lean, since I have pretty pronounced abs, and I think that I’m at an almost “ideal” body type for the female gaze. I say this because of the above mentioned fact, but also because I’m I think at that nice precipice of being muscular, but not too muscular. Also I think arguably the nicest part of my physique is my forearms, and vascularity, the latter which is partially dependent on me being at this weight (~170 lbs). But with all of those nice things, I’d say I’m unhappy, since I want to be more towards 200 lbs. This is more for functional reasons, such as not being fucking manhandled by someone 2 weight classes above me in jiujitsu, and also being generally stronger. Also for aesthetic reasons, I want to feel more like a “man,” I guess, by having that stature. I know that there’s no “one size fits all” for the female gaze, and that being on the heavier side is also attractive. But I guess it’s a bit detached from that for me, I haven’t really been too concerned with aesthetics, at least in the sense of being attractive to women. I think that’s partially a relic of low self-esteem, and not having much weight in my mind for being attractive, since most of my self-view has been detached from that from the start.

I guess I’m just generally somewhat unhappy with the general hedonic treadmill aspect of it — I both want to be lean and cut, but I also want to be bulkier and larger. I know these things are somewhat at odds with each other, and so it’s a recipe for unhappiness if I want both of them. I guess it always boils down to this “want”, like the concept of dukkha from Buddhism. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to eliminate this however, the grass seems to always be greener on the other side. Right now I’m cut with visible abs, plenty of vascularity, and muscle definition. I know these are things I enjoy and am happy about, meaning I would also start to want those instead if I was heavier weight. But I want to be heavier weight so I have that sense of control and don’t feel powerless. Also I get the huge benefit of being fucking stronger. I know that I should be proud of my lifts, additionally at my bodyweight. My DOTS score is about 320, which is at the top end of average according to a random source on tiktok, which is I guess good comparing to powerlifters with my context, but overall I just feel pretty pathetic. I know that this is delusion, since if I go out in public or even go to the gym, there will be like <1% of people there with stronger lifts, and almost all of those people will be way heavier and bigger than I am. But that’s where my want lays I guess, I can’t be content while there’s someone above me. I know this mindset helped me a lot for success, but it’s not great for contentment I guess.

“If you don’t heal the wound, you’ll bleed on people who did not cut you.” I’ve never met someone with a perfect childhood, and I think everyone carries those wounds with them, each in their own tragically unique way. Normally you can ignore it, but sometimes something pushes on it and causes it to bleed.

Keep by Whirr disguises itself as a gentle, ethereal song, with soft distant drums and a gentle guitar playing harmonic chords. And then almost two minutes in, the illusion falls out as you’re hit by a wall of sound that threatens to overwhelm you. The distant soundscape is violently brought all around you, almost suffocating. But just as fast as the bleeding starts, it backs away to give you the much needed space. And just in time you can catch yourself, and recollect.

Today while driving back home, for some reason I felt like this was a conversation. And there for a bit, the mask slips a bit and you threaten to crumble in front of the other in such a vulnerable way. But it lets up, and you hold it together.

The song continues one more time with its soft bridge, but this time with a melancholy tone under it. You saw what threatened to spill, and with that comes the fear of being too much. But the other person is still safe, and almost welcoming with its gentle chords again. It feels like a group of instruments somehow telling you the words “it’s ok, you’re safe here”. And then it starts to fade out again, just like a tsunami as I brace for the chorus again.

Then the wave hits you again. It’s enough to make you want to shut down, to isolate and get to safety to avoid being defenseless in front of someone, all you need to do is last a few more bars and it will stop. It pushes the line of overwhelming you again, but you know it will end.

And then it doesn’t. They drag you back, almost screaming, saying you’re safe. And then it’s too much, and it pours out of you. Every wound ignored and hidden spills out, and it’s that moment of screaming and begging at no one, wishing it never happened or that someone was there to save you then, or all of the other wishes that did not come true. It’s that ugly begging, the desperation born from fear that fills the space, and the painful knowing that it was too much, and you’ve ruined it, and since they’re leaving that means that you’re too much again.

But they don’t, they sit there, not screaming or crying along side you, but just letting you have that space. And once you’ve exploded in this ugly way, they hold you up to the light and don’t look away. They stay, and tell you it’s ok. You may not be ok, but you’re safe. And you will be ok. And it hurts but the wound can now begin to heal. You can gently fade away into their arms, and it’s quiet and you’re exhausted, but most importantly you are loved.

M did something today that I didn’t appreciate. Especially since she already bailed on 2 plans in the last week, and also delayed today’s plans by her bad planning by two hours. I asked for something simple, and she immediately didn’t do it after making excuses the first time. When I brought up that I felt upset by it, she got incredibly defensive and turned it on me after making more excuses. I value M as a friend, but it feels like they can never be wrong. I remember one of our earlier interactions where she was wrong about something and even when I proved I was right, she refused to acknowledge it. It’s frustrating, since it feels like I’m not able to ever have my feelings validated. Childhood all over again.

I just started watching it yesterday since I’d heard good things about it and have seen enough tiktoks, and honestly it’s pretty spot on with all the criticisms from people. Specifically, how it’s just a power fantasy show, something meant to self-insert. I feel like when you think about it separately, it seems like such pandering-slop, and kinda pathetic. Wanting to watch something where someone just keeps being underestimated, where someone is weak and always picked on and taken advantage of, and somehow they become secretly powerful and can enact justice in justified situations. Like being attacked and preyed on, and being able to get revenge in a self-defense situation. Things like this really just line up with I think a feeling I share with a lot of other people. I think it’s the fantasy of having control over those situations in real life, places where you don’t feel like you can stop it or stand up for yourself. Like if your boss starts criticizing you or blaming you for something that is not your fault, or other similar situations. And also, of course, the worse examples of being bullied or abused. I think it’s fairly addictive to have the thought and desire to be able to stand up and fight back, or even just have control in those situations. And I think shows like this aim to scratch that itch. I found it fairly weird how the show makes a point early on to show how women are fawning and throwing themselves at him because of his physical changes, and how people notice him working out. I think that’s a weird gym-pill, since it seems like it’s trying to sell the idea how working out makes such a drastic difference and suddenly he is wanted and powerful. I think it’s a bit manipulative, since I think there will be a lot of impressionable people watching the show and wanting to chase the same control or agency over their own lives. Honestly so far I’ve enjoyed it however, which is weird to say after all of these red flags I’ve mentioned LOL.

The scary part is how it feels like I don’t have control over it. Like I can do my best to be ready for it I guess, or at least I can work on that, but I can’t control if it will happen. And also there’s so much more to it that I don’t even want to consider because of how hard it could be. I hope it happens. But I also find myself now wanting it, so that contradicts what I’ve learned.

By some miracle A somehow is the perfect storm of the unreasonable things I was wishing for. This is insane how this is even possible. Somewhere along the way without even knowing it I’ve bloomed into someone that is wanted, and badly. I’ve gone from being worried about not even having the chance to be rejected, to now worrying about how to reject someone. It weirdly happened after I stopped caring about it. How funny the world is, what is the lesson we are supposed to learn from getting things once we stop wanting them.

Someone asked for my instagram today, and I continued to just be completely honest, unperformative, and trying to make myself laugh wherever I can. It ended up with them saying how bad they wanted me, so I feel like that’s a good sign that I should remember this for the confidence bank lol. I think obviously this is an excessive case, but I do want to be more happy and content with myself where I can be – I know that confidence is one of those things that’s invaluable to have in life so the more of it the better (in moderation of course). That’s kinda funny to say, since both of those things go directly against each other lol. Oh well! To be alive is a beautiful thing.

I built the PC! I spent all of today finishing it and starting the setup, and holy fuck, it’s beautiful. Everything worked first try, and I didn’t break anything. I’m so tired but satisfied.

I'm building a computer for the first time in my life and I'm doing it by myself which arguably may be a mistake. I've already had to force in a couple pins onto some headers because there’s a fan in the way and I didn't put these ahead of time, but so far things have been going not catastrophically. I'm a little bit worried because I haven't tested anything and I kind of was banking on the fact nothing would fail and so I don't really know what I'd do if that happens. Live and learn!

Someone on Reddit had a thread about social socialization. A lot of people said stuff that resonated with me, and one person said something that I had pretty much Word for Word and so I ended up turning on voice to text and just kept talking as a response, ending up with a couple paragraphs. I had someone then reach out to me asking if they could ask for advice. I think it’s so weird how I’ve come from a kid that was not socialized at all and did not really have any friends to someone who is giving people advice now. The weird thing is I don’t even think it’s wrong for me to give advice, I’ve had so many recently talk about how they envy me for being or ask me on tips or how to do things like make friends. And I feel like that’s an indication that I’m doing something right. I also realized talking with M how so comfortable being uncomfortable in new situation and how it’s to go and make friends now in those weird foreign situations. Like I’m now the person that is the social glue. I’m really proud of how far I’ve come.