An Open Letter

A digital journal

Dear lord, I actually kinda burnt out today. I’ve been monitoring Piazza, which isn’t my job, and also answering student’s questions on the discord constantly. My only job is to grade quizzes in person every lecture with 2 other TAs, and for this entire week, neither of them has shown up so I’ve had to grade 180 tests by myself. I’m fucking tired of this. I feel bad because if I don’t monitor Piazza, or do all these extra tasks I do, the students in the class get fucked over. It’s a double-edged sword wanting to be helpful to both the staff and the students, but at the same time, I think that’s been taken advantage of. It also kinda does suck that I am getting no benefit for all of this extra work I’m putting in. It’s not like I get overtime, a raise, or any recognition. But I guess if I learned anything over the summer it’s that I can do good things for myself, and not for external validation. I guess I’m kinda grateful for that, as then I know that the good things I do for others are because I care and not because I want them to pad the way people view me.

I'm a little bit worried that some of my students might see this website/blog, and the thought of that is a bit weird. I don't think I've ever had a TA where I've been like damn that's an individual person, but at the same time I am both of those things. I'm dialing my internet presence back a little bit while a lot of students are seeing my stuff for the first time, so I guess this is my little baby version of an entry in order to kind of protect my own privacy I guess. What a weird concern for having a publicly linked journal. Oh well, I am who I am.

So again it's 1am, and I want to hurry this up so I can go to bed. I'm glad I've stuck with writing at least something down daily, but I am a bit dissatisfied with the slop I just write for writings sake. I believe I can ask B out and she would say yes, and so now I'm at the weird feeling of having someone who's amazing but also not being 100% obsessed with them. I guess I'm now in a position where a relationship doesn't need to “fix” me or fill any hole I'm missing. I know that this is a well documented thing about people with very intense relationships finding healthy ones boring, but this is how life goes so who am I to complain. I've honestly been pretty mentally stable for a long time now, and so I don't really want to keep doing REST for no reason. I think I'm going to take a pause on that and see how I feel.

I’m about to pass the fuck out, but at least to keep some habit alive I wanted to write something. I’ll read tomorrow, and do a “meditation” tonight also. Had a good date, and R zohl szw hvc dsviv R xznv, zmw rg dzh urmv. Mlgsrmt gl yv dliirvw zylfg.

Today at martial arts I got hit in the jaw pretty hard, and lost motor control for a lil bit. I was also confused and disoriented for the next few hours, and I still have a bit of a headache – but I think I’m fine thankfully. I decided to use my free time today to finish editing a video, to keep on my mini-unofficial goal of one video a week. Just to make something I guess. It’s only 10:36 PM right now so I could get ready for bed and actually sleep at a reasonable time, which is something I’ll try to do, hopefully so I have more time in the day and so I can work out with S!

R – 3 breaths

E – Students want me to make more office hours for 138, and also there are plenty of things being neglected by other staff in the class that I could take over.

S – I don’t want to be taken advantage of by stepping up and doing several other people’s work, so instead I will sit back and not step up.

T – Enjoy my free time? I guess also don’t be stressed about it.

On Monday we are going to go driving around into the mountains and then coming back to just watch a movie and cuddle. It is 2 AM and I have nothing to note so might as well keep this one brief.

R – 3 breaths

E – R'n dliirvw zylfg szermt hvc drgs P glnliild, yvxzfhv R szevm'g wlmv rg rm z olmt grnv.

S – Tvg levi rg kfhhb onzl

T – Ru rg'h irtsg, szev rg

So that date also went incredibly well, we hit it off pretty well and were able to talk for hours. We also seem to be very comfortable with each other, but right now I’m emotionally crashed I guess. I’m exhausted even though it’s just 2 am, and I think it’s because of the emotional strain.

R – 3 breaths

E – I am drained right now, and somewhat catastrophizing worrying about different factors and if I’ll enjoy a relationship at all.

S – Recognize not a single thing I’m thinking right now is valid as I am crashing and exhausted.

T – Go to bed and think about it tomorrow, or ask friends for advice.

I find myself going through this pattern in life where I have some person who’s into me, and I’m into them, and then it doesn’t work out. That part is just how life goes no problems there – but then I somehow constantly think “Wow! That was the only chance I’ll ever get! Surely that was the last one, time to wrap it up!” I feel like it’s so incredibly naive and silly to keep believing this TIME and TIME again. The world’s an incredibly big place, and I am always free to change who I am for the better (or worse). That’s a pretty beautiful thing I think.

R – 3 breaths

E – I have a date tomorrow, and for some reason, I fear that if it goes wrong I will convince myself that I am doomed and I will never find someone I’m interested in.

S – Recognize the obvious flaw there, and enjoy the moment for what it is. Let go of all expectations and just enjoy having a nice date with someone sick!

T – Nothing to do but enjoy it and don’t overthink.

I’ll be completely honest, I did NOT listen to my own resolution and decided to stay up a bit more so that I can play some games lol. Let me try to get ready for bed now so I can sleep at an adequate time.

R – 3 breaths

E – Today I just had a very peaceful day, especially between my classes when I was sitting in the sun meditating. I enjoyed that a lot.

S – I want to do that more often

T – Set up time to find a peaceful place to meditate

Today I made a couple of new friends by just betting on their match and just hyping them up and having fun. Life really isn’t that hard. I also have a date soon with a cute girl, and I think we’re going to do something artsy.

R – 3 breaths

E – I am sleeping later and later each day, and I am waking up later to compensate.

S – I should start getting ready for bed around 11pm.

T – Go get ready to sleep.