I bought the latest iPhone today because I got my employee discount. It weirdly stresses me out, having to set it up and get used to all the change. I also had both a really good day today, and then kind of a crash at night here. I feel socially pretty content right now, I have four relatively active friend groups and several different individual people that I interact with frequently and that I trust. I also got plenty of exercise and ate food today. Everything is good, but I just feel bad.
I watched a video that I hadn't watched yet with my ex, and it didn't hurt me as much as I thought it would. So I guess that's a good sign, but I still do feel I guess somewhat alone? It feels weird to say that because it doesn't feel right if you know what I mean. So I guess maybe that's not really what I'm feeling. And then I'm not really sure what I'm feeling, all I know is I just feel bad and I can't really pinpoint what's the cause of that. Like part of me wants to cry and have a hug, but I don't even know what I would cry about. And it doesn't feel like I'm missing anything and so I'm really confused. Maybe I'm just overwhelmed, in a very passive way, where I both feel equipped to deal with the things in my life but also it's taking its toll on me. I guess 2 weeks of no therapy would also do that to me.
I’m going to wake up by 7:30, I hope, because tomorrow is my first day working at my new job AHHHHH! I just played some games with J and A for a bit, and had a good time. I also got to work out for the first time in forever which was SUPER nice, I was feeling myself, and I even got some of my favorite photos so far of my progress. I do get a little bit sad because I don’t really have a place I can share my photos which sucks. I guess it doesn’t really suck, but part of me feels sad that there’s something I’m like super duper proud of and I wanna share it and I don’t really have those avenues for validation I guess. I think a lot of that comes back into how I never got validation growing up, mostly because I wasn’t attractive lol. It’s strange now that I think I am, since I don’t really get that feedback explicitly from friends and such because I think it’s more expected since they only know me recently. But for me it’s a fully new thing and so I do wish that I got some of those words of affirmation more often. It feels vain to say that, but that’s why I’m writing it here instead of telling them. It’s understandable, it’s like if you knew someone and for the entire duration you knew them they had an apartment to themselves – but you don’t know that less than year ago of meeting them they were living in a super shitty situation and that apartment was a massive feat for them. You’d never think to mention it or share that joy, since you don’t know how it was before. So I get it, and it’s not at all like I could blame or feel upset at them for this – but also I grew up with all the feedback that I was ugly and untouchable, and since I never really got the new feedback where that’s not the case, that kinda feels like all the evidence in my mind.
I guess I just want to know that I can be wanted again. I know that worth should be something that I can dictate for myself, not because that is what is correct, but rather because that is all I can do to preserve my own self-image. But I feel my value is inherently set by others. It doesn’t directly matter what I think of myself if no one sees me the same. And so I feel bad. I think I’ve had enough feedback now from others that I feel like I am desired, and wanted, but I still cannot really undo all the grooves in my mind reinforcing how I am “not enough” for lack of a better word. It’s weird, I’m struggling to put it into words. It’s just this constant hunger for acceptance, I guess – like I’m constantly trying to change something and convince others that I am worth investing in, and that I shouldn’t just slip through the cracks. I am something worth holding and nourishing, and it’s my job to convince them of that. I feel like it’s my obligation to notarize the lens I’m writing this through; this problem is just a poor mask on the childhood attachment I had with my parents. I would be told I’m untouchable and that no one would want to interact with me, and then I would be neglected for months at a time. All for things that I can fairly confidently say were not my fault. When my dad was away on trips, if he texted my mom not enough she would then ignore me and my sister for months. And I would never know what happened, just suddenly I was alone in the house and she wouldn’t look at me or acknowledge that we were alive. And so when I grow up like that, what other choice do I have but to feel like I need to desperately convince my mom that I am worth loving? If I feel like it is something that I can do and that I have the agency over, then at least I have control (even though that was not the case). If I accept the fact that I am powerless to change it, and I am just a kid being caught in the crossfire of my mom’s issues, then I am truly powerless. I have nothing I can do, and I am doomed. And that’s a horrifying thought. Hope is such a comforting thing, because the alternative is that things will not change. And so that’s what I learned – and what I carry with me today. I refuse to believe that I cannot change things, and that’s why I’ve pushed myself so hard to try to take the reigns on life. I just hope that it works out for me. I want to be loved, I want to have a life that I worked so damn hard for. I’ve given everything I can, I’ve tried so hard – I just pray it was worth it and I’m happy I didn’t kill myself.
I again stayed up passed when I should and now I'm exhausted. I start work on Monday and I need to wake up at 7:30 first day, and I'm starting to get nervous about how it's going to go. I hope everything works out.
I was just sitting down on the couch or I have 8:00 p.m. And I started feeling sleepy and so I said fuck it I'll take a 30 minute nap, and I woke up 4 hours later. It's now 11:40 and I'm going to just try to go to bed hopefully to catch up on some of that sleep debt.
I’m pretty sleep deprived still so not fully sure what I expect to do with this post, but for some reason I just feel like writing a bit more than one filler sentence. I find myself sometimes still wandering back towards thinking about A, and the stuff that she put me through. Especially afterwards, the gaslighting and the rest of the stuff. I don’t think I deserved it, but I’m thankful that the waves have become more and more spaced, and less devastating when they hit. They’re now just a punch instead of threats of pulling me to the depths. During the cruise, I feel like I got more experience firsthand on how I can actually be someone that people want, both as a friend and as a partner. And also more importantly, I can achieve this by being myself. I can fully “punt” situations, and then way more than I’d think people would go “yeah that was pretty fun!”. I think going forward, I can be the version of myself where I feel comfortable and like I’m actually in my own skin, and still make friends, and meet people – all without having to worry about them really liking me or accidentally acting wrong. I can just be myself. I want to behave that way going forward in my new life, and I hope that I surround myself with a community of friends I love and hopefully meet someone similar!
This is meant to be yesterday's post, I got back to my room around 5:30 AM and my phone died and so I am putting this down here I guess. A whole lot to write about, and a whole lot to unpack but right now I am beyond exhausted. I guess been short feels like this has been a very nice reminder on how quickly I can start a new life, surrounding myself with friends, both new and old, and new partners.
While writing my gratitude list I realized how I was happy today about how S, B, N, and K were all proactively interacting with me. I found it surprisingly counterintuitive because I wasn't really trying to super get them to like me, and I've been pretty deranged. I'm happy to include people of course, but a lot of the time I'm happily lobbing grenades into conversations to make myself and A laugh, and actively punting opportunities (as far as I can tell) for that reason. I've been having an absolute BLAST with A, and it feels like others seeing me being so comfortable in my own skin and having so much fun makes them want to interact with me. It's somewhat adjacent to playing hard to get, but this is me just not playing any game. I'm fully surrounding myself with people who respect me and enrich my life, and then I prioritize my happiness. And then people want to join that, which is of course fine by me. Just strange how it works, and I wanted to notarize that I guess.
Ok so ngl the girl was crazy disrespectful wasting my time, she asked me several times to come to morning yoga and then didn't show up after making me and A wake up at 7:30 AM. She slept through it, and so during the entire island day I kept getting stopped and I would say that she ghosted me when people asked how the date went and if I'm from the comedy show. She again kinda bailed today, and I can NOT be asked to ignore that many red flags along with the rest of her behaviors I'm not writing down here. I absolutely know my worth and she is not someone worth chasing down, so it's now content hooray! Also my tiktok has like 14k likes which is INSANE, I can sit there refreshing and more likes come in. What a crazy time.
Sorry to myself for forgetting yesterday night, I was all over the place with preparing for the cruise and also hitting masters (hooray!).
Me and A went to the singles mixer because bingo was a bust, and we just sat in the corner not taking to anyone and dying laughing. We eventually went and talked to one person, and one thing led to another and we all made a group of people. We went to a music bar, then we brought them to the comedy show. During the main set, the guy brought up a girl on stage and I kept getting egged on so I kept cheering and clapping loudly and standing up on the balcony, and eventually the comedian told me to come down. I wasn't expecting that, but he eventually brought me on stage and asked me about my job, my fico score, and if I worked out. To the last point he asked if I had abs and to show them and I flexed as well as I could and lifted my shirt and the crowd kinda erupted; one lady in the front row stood up and started cheering and the guy even made fun of her for that. So that's a huge confidence boost LOL. But also the girl is from San Diego, and is only 10 minutes away from me! We talked afterwards and went to a club with both of our groups, and had a nice night. On the cruise messaging app she asked me to come to yoga and I said of course, and then she sent a follow up saying “im not kidding, pull up 😳😅” and sent hearts afterwards.
It's crazy how much success I can get by being myself and not having to fake who I am to fit a mold I imagine. Maybe I can be loved and wanted as I am. What a beautiful thought.
In a vacuum I think I'm pretty happy with who I am. I feel like I'm authentic to myself, and at the same time that self is someone that aligns with the values that I care about, and what more can I ask for. But that only really exists in a vacuum.
I think I'm painfully aware of the feelings of comparison, and of course that stems from childhood to some extent – but that's aside from what I was going to say. I find this comparison rearing its ugly head whenever I interact with my friends in context where I don't feel like it should even come up. I was swimming with M, and she was talking about a date she went on. I know her type is military men, and even though there's no such reason for me to do this to myself, I start comparing myself, and them convincing myself of my inadequacy. I often like to share the quote you could be the sweetest peach on the tree, but someone might just not like peaches. But it's hard for me to take that advice I guess. Even with people that I don't want to be in a relationship with, it affects me whenever I think about how I may not be someone they desire. And I'm not sure why that hurts as much as it does. I think I've come to understand that I want to be a polarizing person, because the opposite is being fully agreeable yet unopinionated. I think you have a much richer and deeper connection with people the more limited it is, and that comes from being someone that not everyone would like. And so this obviously contradicts My feelings of inadequacy when everyone does not want me.
I want to avoid a pity party but I guess my issue comes from feelings growing up of being undesirable, and how even now that's changed it doesn't click. I've had several people admit feelings for me and pursue me, and more often than not I've had the problem of letting someone down rather than being let down. Hell, even in my last breakup I was the one to call it off, and they were the ones to say that I deserve better. And so why do I still feel like I cannot be wanted?
I would say that I'm more feminine than the traditional guy, and that's something that I'm fine with and I'm happy about I guess. But at the same time sometimes this keeps me up when I think about how someone may perceive it. I really like martial arts for this reason, and I really miss doing Jiu-Jitsu and kickboxing. In those environments I can be light-hearted joking and not the traditional picture of masculinity, and I don't need to be worried about being perceived as weak, because I'm pretty good at combat sports. Part of me has these weird daydream fantasies of getting into some kind of a fight or altercation where I am justified. And then I really savor the thought of just overwhelming violence, and especially the coming to terms moment from people who underestimated me. For them to know what I am capable of, at least in this fantasy world.
I think it's of course a universal experience to some extent, but these feelings of inadequacy suck when all the people I interact with only know me in certain aspects of life. The people that know about my academic dominance don't know about my physicality. People that know about my physicality don't know about my aptitude and achievements in competitive environments. And the people that know about that don't know about my career. And it just keeps continuing. I'm so proud of the life that I have built, but there's still so much left for me to do. And part of that is trying to stop obsessing over wanting to show people all these other aspects of my life to show that I am worth it, and I have value. I'd like to just believe that I'm enough as is, and that's not something I need to fight or convince people about.