Tomorrow morning is my first and only real MS exam (which I’m SUPER grateful for). I’m struggling to focus and study because each time I have idle thoughts, they end up going in the direction of A and what happened, and my own insecurities about it. My therapist explained really well how to handle this. I need to remind myself that my mind is not perfect, and also how it is essentially doing its best to torture me, however it can. And so I try not to think about it right now. It kinda feels like I’m running away from thinking about something which goes against my view on life, but I understand that feeding into these thoughts will just make it worse. It sucks because recently I realized I wanted to dopamine detox more, and that came in the form of allowing myself to be bored more. With little pockets of time, instead of pulling up TikTok or my phone, just sitting and being bored. Today, I finally did the dishes since I was waiting for my food to heat up, and I wasn’t using my phone. In the shower also I paused my music and set a 5-minute timer to meditate for the first time in forever, and I just sat on the floor and did my best to let my thoughts flow away like a leaf in a stream. I found myself at so much peace, and I just enjoyed being in bliss feeling the warm water and being in the moment – until I realize I have started thinking again and then its pulling myself back into just the moment, and nothing else. I should do that more. It’s weird how long 5 minutes can become when I’m not stimulated.
I talked with A and F just now, and both of them (in different ways) agreed. A broke my trust, and ultimately, I don’t think that’s something that will change. She said she loved me, and that she was sorry, and she would make it up to me – but nothing indicated to me that she understood how it hurt me. And so nothing changes. She made a decision about my body for me, and went against what we had agreed upon. I’m happy I have the strength to walk away from this, and a part of me is happy that she is so desperate to somehow undo what she did. I respect myself enough to say no thanks.
I socialized so hard today (lol) and at the end I just kinda Irish goodbye’d since I was pooped, and while going back I guess the good part is I finally liked Fake Moon by Cleopatrick. It’s just a numbers game, and I’m playing.
I finally got to face jealousy, and as I expected things didn't just work out super nicely like I told myself they can. It's still a pretty ugly thing. I think it's somewhat the feeling of not being enough and potentially being replaced that's hard. I think it's also the feeling of someone else moving on and replacing you, while you can't really do the same as easily. I think I'm still in control, but it's a little bit of a wake up call, and learning that I need to respect it.
I’ve been getting into basketball recently, and it’s been fun to try out new moves and to learn more about it. I even started to watch NBA games and it’s pretty fun, and it’s a nice way to kinda de-dopamine my brain since it’s much slower paced, and long form content. Not really sure what else to write today to be honest.
In just a little bit more, I’m going to graduate and move into an apartment in SD. Then I stay there for an indeterminate amount of time, and that’s when my life starts almost. I’m nervous but excited.
This is practice if nothing else for speaking up for myself. Something my got on my nerves, and they continue to push it. Body language and responses aren't enough, and so good on me for being explicit and saying I wanted some space right now.
It kind of pisses me off that I just have to take this, because if I retaliate and ruin their night the way they ruined mine, it would just be a messy situation overall. And so now I guess I have to act like I'm less pissed off than I am.
183k has turned into some weird fucked up mantra for me. I think I'm pretty thankful that I have something worth hiding or at least being insecure about for sharing. But it then turns into a quiet rage that builds up into pride. I thought about how the only people that can be happy for you are above you, or not in the same race. I think that's true. Or at least to a decent amount. I think that's probably why I feel so comfortable being a beginner or bad at something, because then you don't have to worry about everything else that comes with being the victim of envy.