An Open Letter

So that nausea from yesterday? Yeah, right after posting, I went and projectile vomited several times, and continued to do that throughout the next 24 hours. Turns out I got a really bad case of food poisoning from that wingstop, and so I’ve been sleeping the entire day today and throwing up. Fun.

Every day for the last few years, I’ve had a gratitude list where I write at least 5 things that I’m happy about that day. Today it was really hard to fill it up. I thought I did everything right. I was somewhat productive programming today, I went and worked out, played basketball in the sun, and I texted a lot and even played games with friends. I did my laundry. And yet I’m horribly depressed right now. I just want to cry from feeling this helpless. I went to pick up food, and I saw people out partying, and bills bus driving people to downtown. And then I felt sad that my friends don’t party or go out like that, and so I don’t have people to go with. In a few weeks, my six years in this college town will end. Honestly, I find myself terrified right now. The thing I’m most afraid of right now is the depression from the uncertainty of what will happen. It doesn’t help that I think that A will be going out and partying, and for some reason, I keep feeling this FOMO seeing it so close to me. A part of me thinks this is like my childhood all over again, growing up and not doing fun things because instead I was studying or focusing on things I had to do. And then those set me up super well for now, but I told myself I’d stop doing that and live life. I know that I’m just depressed right now, and I shouldn’t think about it much, but it does make me kinda sad that I don’t have that option. I feel sad that I never really got like a core group of friends that will last me my life, like I feel I always see. None of my original friend group did their masters here, and I never really replaced that in my classes. I have N and L, and also S but S faded away and I wish I had done more with N and L. Also it’s a shame I met R so late, she’s cool and I wish we could have hung out more. I get worried that this sporadic loneliness is something that I deserve. Like it’s something I did, and not just me being unlucky, through either circumstance or my childhood making me flawed in some way I can’t recognize. I wish I could hear more about how others feel lonely, because I don’t want to feel like I’m the only one like this. God I hope I’m not doomed to this forever. Everything changes. I just hope it changes for the better.

Situation – I saw bills bus and was already feeling depressed, and I was regretting something I can’t really pin down.

Thoughts – I feel like this has to mean that I’m flawed in some way and a loser, or something like that since I don’t have a friend group that goes out like that.

Feelings – I feel like crying, and I feel like I’ve wasted my life.

Behaviors – I feel miserable, beat myself up, and probably strain other relationships.

Thoughts – Way way way more people I know don’t party or club, compared to the people I know who do. It’s not like clubbing is something that’s a mandatory requirement to be normal or anything like that. I haven’t wanted to force myself to go with the opportunities I’ve had, and so it’s not like I’m unloveable.

Feelings – Still feel depressed, but this cloud passes.

Behaviors – One less battle.

Out of nowhere A has now decided that instead of having difficult conversations, we should be platonic. If I'm being honest I feel just a lot if this frustration that I don't know how to really get out. Originally this is what I asked and these were the boundaries that I set, and she was the one that constantly pushed and broke them. She was the one who said I love you several times, and the one who got possessive and jealous. She was also the one that lied, and put me at risk while breaking my trust. And then doing it again. She said she wanted to regain my trust and make things right. And the second friction came up there, and she realized it wasn't going to be easy and she would have to do more than what she wants to naturally do, she essentially gave up. And now she's telling me that hey I think we should focus on being platonic instead of arguing. I feel really fucking frustrated that this is what I asked for originally, she ignored it, and then hurting me with that several times. And then after that, she wants to now be platonic because she doesn't want to put in the effort to make it right. And so I just have to sit with the fucking short end of the stick. Again I'm getting blindsided by her, and just caught fully off guard. One day she tells me she's sorry and she wants to make it right, and then the next day she tells me tough shit. I guess I knew that this was a possible outcome, and I guess I was only really aware of this from my fear of it. I really do think I am loyal to a fault, because I should have stopped giving them chances. Or at least I should have stopped letting them emotionally close enough to hurt me by pulling the chair out from under me again and again.

I keep seeing on social media different posts talking about how “you deserve better” is code for “I'm not willing to put in the work to be better”. I don't think that's completely true, because I think the people that say this are the ones that have such a low self-confidence that they don't think that they can change in the short term, or at all. But either way it really fucking sucks to be in this position. I really want to believe and remind myself that this isn't a reflection on me or my desirability, but rather their issues and I'm just caught in the crossfire. It still sucks because I really loved her at one point, and I guess it's finding out that I am not enough to triumph her issues, for her to somehow magically be willing to put in enough effort for me. I really don't want to go down the path of men who get hurt and then refuse to let go of that by keeping a shield up, and I can see that happening from me thinking that women are all going to do the same thing because it has happened in both of my relationships. I don't want to keep a shield up and never trust people because people have broken my trust before. I think it would be disingenuous and biased for me to not acknowledge the fact that obviously I will make plenty of mistakes on my own, and I will make more of those that I probably don't even see. But the reason why I feel pretty confident in what I'm saying is because no matter what I've been open to communication and trying to address and fix issues.

I really think if I find a right person, it will be healthy. Writing down some of this stuff here does help me kind of get some of that pain out of my throat so that I can finally voice something without feeling like I'm screaming silently. I still don't think she's a bad person, and I don't think that she's trying to hurt me. But I think that she needs to prioritize herself right now, and she also just might not be able to say acceptable things or really be considerate of me and so if her and her therapist think that we should put space in between us, so be it – it's probably for the best. I know that this was also the advice that everyone gave me including my therapist, to keep emotional distance between us but I think I really fell for the words that she said. With someone that I used to love so much, when they tell me that I make the world go away for them and how they only want me and how they love me, what am I to do but to accept those words? It feels like such a fucking shitty situation because for me to not be hurt in this way right now, I would have had to basically be heartless. I'm glad that I kept some amount of a barrier emotionally, because otherwise this would have hurt me way more – but it feels like the only way I could not get hurt right now is if I was genuinely heartless and I just ignored to her face the shit she would say. And if I just did not care for her. But that's not who I am and so I guess if I have to think through the options of being hurt right now, or not caring for people close to me, I guess I'm happy that I got hurt.

I think about the quote, love is being strong enough to try again every time you get hurt. I talked with V this morning, and he told me how he didn't want to be in any more relationships because of the shitty situation he was in where he always has to move for the next few years and he can't really stick with someone. I don't think I have any room to say that he should instead thug it out and keep getting hurt, but I guess for me in my situation I hope that I still do. I kind of hope this is like conditioning in martial arts, where you get hurt but it makes you a little bit stronger every time. The thing that fucking sucks is it feels like someone else hurts me and I just have to take it and it's not like they're doing that for my sake the same way my friends will hit me with love (and permission).

Sometimes I wish the world was a little bit more gentle, and I know that others have it way worse. I was thinking the other day while biking back about the homeless population in IV. I think a lot of the people there are really working hard to try to survive. I don't think anyone ever chooses to be homeless, but some people have been dealt such a fucking horrible hand of cards. I know a lot of homeless people are also somewhat violent and addicted to drugs, but I was thinking how don't these people arguably need more support? It's their first time living too, and no one ever intends for it to end up that way. I guess I think that humans are inherently good, and that means that I hope that someday I'm in a position where I can help people like that.

I'm glad I was able to write this stuff down because I feel better getting it out. Absolutely it fucking sucks to get this massive wall of text which felt like she was telling me she's changing her mind about putting it in the effort to repair my trust she broke. But at the end of the day, it's not going to hurt nearly as bad as breaking up. Yeah I might be a little bit more lonely for the rest of my time here, and I might have more headache, but I still have friends that I love and that love me. I still have a really good job lined up, I still have Hash, I still have my dad, I have so many things to look forward to. But also I have my humor, my ability to laugh at myself for doing the stupidest things and I'd like to think that that brings a little bit of joy into each situation I'm in. I also have my empathy, that came from an absolutely shit childhood, but at least now I get to have that with me and I think that lets me love and care for people. I'm glad that I have this blog even, because I'm always afraid of burdening friends, because of times in the past where I have been too clingy growing up. And so I'm really grateful that I have a place that I can just journal to. I'm still happy I'm alive. I think I would do it again.

Today I felt a lot. I want to say good, but it wasn’t all good, but at the same time I’d love to live this day over and over again. I was playing basketball listening to music on my new headphones, and I found a few new songs, especially one that really resonated with me I guess. I ended up playing for like two hours, because I was just happy to be there I guess. Like I was laughing at myself for missing the ball several times in a row, felt the urge to do a cartwheel (which I recently learned) and did, and just had fun with it I guess. I’m glad I’m alive.

I don’t like the value-oriented mindset of relationships with people, but at the same time, S asked me something that stuck with me. They asked me why I was spending time with A, and I had to think for a while. The question came out of nowhere, and it stumped me. They’ve inadvertently treated me pretty badly, and also have not been a great friend, along with other things. I think I have my answer if people ask me what my red flags are – I do think I am loyal to a fault.

The water pulled back from the shore today. I was sitting in S’s house and we were talking about moving soon and leaving things behind. I realized how I’m not going to be able to hang out with N and L anymore, and not be able to do martial arts with them. Or other stupid shit. I’m not going to be able to see C, or M, and also W. It’s going to be weird losing so much of the structure I held dear to me. I didn’t want to really acknowledge it, since I think it’s going to hurt and I’d rather cherish the time I have.

I realized why I shut down. I also realized I have only really done this around A, and my mother. It feels like every time this happens, it's because there's something important I want to say but I don't feel like I can. Like I feel like it's something I'm just not safe to say, or something that would be overall bad to. And so I just have to bite my tongue. And then I don't want to forget that thought because it is important, but I can't let go of it either. And so I just stop talking, and I hope that they will give me a chance to say it. But then the chance doesn't come, and eventually I just accept it and then withdraw into my thoughts. I don't like it, and I wish I didn't have to. I don't know if it's because of growing up in a household where I had to control someone else's emotions for them, or if it's because that's the situation I feel like I'm in again. I get jealous of the people that can just say what they want without caring about the consequences.

I stayed up last night till 5 AM since A was over, and I’m paying the price for that now. I told myself I’d sleep early, and instead, here I am. I guess I’ll give up more free time tomorrow to compensate hopefully.

I realized how every girl I've been with has gotten feelings for me, or hasn't been able to get over me. I found myself getting so insecure with the whole hookup culture, and comparison – but is that really what I want to be? Instead it feels like I'm a good partner and a catch, and so I want to believe that more instead of feeling undesirable. I am more than enough.

It's stupid, but I'm trying to see things differently. If someone was high elo because they had insane game sense, and you were a similar rank because of mechanics, would you be like “damn I'm worthless because I don't have their gamesense”? No (at least I think). Everyone has their strengths to play towards, and there are different paths to the goal. I'm not the fastest and most agile basketball player, but I'm strong and so I can jump and rebound. I can also do other things, and there's things I can't. It doesn't have to be a comparison but can be just a fun game.