An Open Letter

God I just want reprieve. I hate the fact that my mind keeps filling not just blank space, but overwriting my own voice with visions of killing myself, and I hate that it gives me peace.

I don’t know what to say. It’s not that it hurts this bad but genuinely that I don’t know what to say. It doesn’t help I’m this depressed right now. I wanna lash out so bad, and so I guess this is my avenue for it.

I feel like I shouldn’t have to be in this painful position to begin with. Why does she have to have ex lovers keep coming back up some way or another. Today another one sent her a message, and she said she was going to block him over a week ago. And I guess she never did, and so she responds like nothings wrong. I fear I only found out because she was playing games with me right next to me, and she knew I saw the notification. No mention of how she said she would block him and nothing had happened. She said she just forgot, and also said that he was a close friend even though they don’t talk often. It’s painful not because of that, but because of the 180 in direction. I feel mad at myself and then her for the fact that I gave her so much credit and trust for saying this on her own, on how she wanted to put her past behind her and she was going to do this. But now I feel like a fucking idiot for believing her. I wonder now if she even blocked the other person on instagram or any other platforms now. Or if she even blocked him. I just don’t know what to believe anymore. And what was before that built trust of her saying something and me trusting her on it is now back to this skepticism and fear that site on my chest like a stone. I honestly am tired from looking at things through the other persons lens, I feel hurt by this. I feel uneasy and uncomfortable with not feeling like my emotional security is valued. And writing that out makes me wonder if that’s a me problem.

I don’t really know the answer to that question, but I feel like if I am to be mentally strong against things that hurt my emotional security that means that I cannot value the person who did those stuff to me in the first place. But also I need to recognize with depression things are much more different than they seem. I don’t know what to think or what to feel anymore. I know I want to be with her, but I wonder why I feel like this for what seems so often. I know that depression plays tricks, but they look quite real.

To be honest I was pretty frustrated with E today. I was not doing well mentally and she wasn’t either. I guess it’s cocky of me to think that I wasn’t being difficult and think that she was, because in reality both of us were probably being difficult in some way or another. But I did get some food in me (her treat), and we watched some TV and I kept showing her separate things it reminded me of and I felt heard like I have a voice. I guess I did feel seen. And I’m not mad at her anymore, her asleep on the couch laying on me, hash asleep on my legs. It’s a good life.

I almost cried on my ride home today because I was just so tired, and I was thinking about something artistic regarding the fighting in the car by Joe P. I got so overcome with emotion, and it was just this longing for something that I won’t make because I just won’t. I don’t really know how else to say it.

E just left, and I was doing my gratitude list. I would have dreamed of this life and given a lot to get it even just a year ago. I’m just grateful to have it, since I know that I gave a lot for it along the way.

I stayed up till 2 AM playing arena with E, and I know that I need to wake up early tomorrow. I just love having someone in my life like her.

I made a steak quesadilla with E today for about two hours, and they turned out so beyond good. Absolutely to die for. She also then gave me a full spa treatment, and I felt so incredibly pampered and relaxed. Life is good.

I got to talk with a friend who has MDD, and I was essentially watching her actively fight with herself mentally. It’s such a fascinatingly painful condition, but I’m glad because I realized how much I need to explain to E.

Holy shit this is the latest I’ve stayed up without an all-nighter I think. She’s back in my arms finally. It’s felt like nothings passed, and I’ve also felt like my brains developed in a new way.

I was really mad at E today, and to me it felt like she just kept fucking up. I realized at some point that I was just very hurt, and that I was kinda taking it out on her. But after she left me on read for 40 minutes and I was livid, she sent me a text saying that she needed me to listen and understand, and I took those 20 minutes while she was getting ready to call to put myself in her shoes. Before she sent that text, I was wondering how I could possibly put aside my anger, but after seeing that she had something she needed to get off her chest, something snapped (in a good way). I realized that she hadn’t asked for that before, and it suddenly dawned on me that it had been an incredibly stressful and painful month for her, and she hadn’t talked about any of her feelings. She had been bottling things up the whole time, and it finally was too much, and she was terrified because she had felt like it was selfish and not ok for her to take up space, given that she fucked up and was trying to make up for it. That broke my heart, since even though I want my own pain to be addressed, it shouldn't have come at her cost. We talked for a while, and there are a lot of things that I realized I had said while hurting, and I forced her to shoulder that pain without her bringing it up. She didn't feel like she could talk to me about that stuff, and I really regret that because I want her to know that she absolutely can. All of my anger almost immediately dissipated because I realized the version of me that was being mad at her was just the version of childhood me that was hurting from the neglect and the pattern from my parents. I did my best to fully give her a conversation where she felt like she could finally let go of a lot of that grief that she'd been holding on to silently. And overall, it was incredibly good. I think it's weird because somehow seeing that she had been hurting this whole time got rid of so much of my anger. I think it really made me realize how. I was really just beating up on someone who loves me so much, and while I understand that I'm hurting, I never want to hurt her. I want to be her peace, not the source of her pain.