An Open Letter

I fucked my shit up bad I’m gonna be honest, last night it was super painful to sleep I couldn’t sleep any other way other than facing up because my feet would hurt so bad if I touched them anywhere else. While laying up it at least was a dull pain I could ignore from not moving. I kind of liked it.

Title just felt right, it’s a good song. Nothing past that.

I know A means well, but sometimes when I’m struggling she word vomits up things to fill the silence, and she tries to relate or empathize. Sometimes she badly misses, and she tries to relate with something that isn’t close. I know you can’t compare grief or emotion really, but I’m pretty confident in these cases. Right now the thing that sticks with me is the thought that for her to provide these experiences of her own as things to relate with, she thinks in her mind that those experiences affect her as much as I’m currently affected. One thing she said earlier was how she’s also had friendships explode for her, and to her that meant people yelling and saying hurtful things to each other. To me it was personal attacks and then me getting blocked and ghosted, and a big meaningful friendship just gone like that all because I tried to defend myself. Things like that just make me feel alone because it makes me feel worse to think that someone who loves and cares about me sees my grief and experience and thinks it’s just an inconvenience. I don’t like how it always feels like a competition that she can’t lose sometimes. To be honest, I don’t really give a shit if she has experienced it or anything like that, I just want to be held sometimes.

From one of those stupid youtube polls, the idea of permanent happiness. I saw a lot of people warning about how it would make you never try to change or improve your life and end up in worse situations, but I mean if you’re happy who cares? I’m not sure if I think a permanent manic episode would be good, or if it’s the gaps between them that hurt.

I've calmed myself down a bit enough now to just be sad about it, not much anger left. I don't really understand in my experience the idea of support from others, aside from my therapist. Maybe I'm unrealistic with my standards of empathy for lack of a better term, but I know at least how shitty I feel about it. I feel worse dealing with stuff around others compared to just being alone. Just now on the start of the trail my new bike I've been looking forward to fully broke. I just spent $50 to repair it this morning, along with other costs, all for it to almost immediately break down while shifting gears. The gear shifter fully snapped and so the bike can't even spin. That's fucking sucks, but what's worse is I was with A for our date. Instead I get to run alongside her bike, and it's already fucking hell and I wore the wrong shoes and didn't get to stretch and I feel like shit and I've had a long day and God knows more. I feel bad, and her response is telling me basically “no it's chill dw”. I ask her to take my backpack that's just holding our drinks, and at the top she complains that she can't bike with it and makes me take it back. So now I have to run with the backpack and hold both drinks with my phone flying around my pocket, since it was uncomfortable for her biking. On top of already feeling like shit for losing my bike. I start to shut down because I just feel like childhood, where I need to shut up and just take it. She keeps talking about things that make me feel worse even though I've stopped talking and am kinda avoiding her because I feel like crying. I gamble and finally ask her if we can not talk since I feel like shit, and she again minimizes how I'm feeling by saying “oh no it's ok! I don't mind!”

That one kinda broke me. It just feels like I'm just dead meat or something and it doesn't matter how I'm feeling. If I was alone at least I wouldn't feel that way. I just wanna cry. I don't want to go back to her, so I'm sitting on the cliff. I hate the fact how every emotion I show to others has to be so processed and digestable, when others have been so candid with me.

Why was my mom allowed to scream and threaten me but I couldn't say that I was sad. Why haven't things changed.

God knows how I’m supposed to phrase what was the title of this post. While I was doing my daily gratitude list, I kept thinking of things that I’d miss horribly that I currently take for granted. Things like having insurance, my apartment, hash, the beanbag chair, the computer I got, even just sunlight on my skin. I think about that one youtube poll about what wish would you want, and one of the options was “perfect health” and it had like 11%. One of the comments said their heart goes out to the people wishing for health, because most likely they are suffering from something right now. I realized how much I take my health for granted there, as while I’m injured or ill all I want is to get better. I can’t even imagine having something like cancer or some other health complication. I guess I just want to say I’m grateful for the things I have, even if I’m not the happiest or whole right now.

“Wait no I didn’t mean that, I didn’t mean to say I was better at sex than you are at league of legends”

I said out loud I wanted to immortalize that sentence because just the idea of it was so beyond bizarre. I’m a little bit sad that I haven’t really been writing anything down as of late, I’ve been sleeping pretty late consistently and I do this when I’m already overdue to sleep. I hope I can change that.

I’m terribly stressed about a lot of things in life right now. A big source of it however is dealing with job applications since I needed to be applying several months ago. I just barely even updated part of my resume today, which by itself was a task I had been putting off for ages. I’m afraid that my negligence and fear of something I can’t even really see has already and will continue to fuck me over in life, in a very heavy way. I know I can’t tell in retrospect, but I’m afraid of losing out on a FAANG/MANGA job because I just didn’t apply a few months earlier. I know the nova effect is still a thing, and I’ll be ok, but I’m afraid of my own negligence I guess.

Today was a pretty bad day, but things are much better now. I got some food in me finally, and right now A is falling asleep to my right while hugging me. What a strange thing life is.

I caved and to get it done, I cheated and looked at how people solved this day on Reddit. Even with everyone’s approaches and insights, I’m stumbling over myself trying to implement this but finally did part one! While super tired I still sat here and stayed up for an extra 3 hours by mistake trying to implement and solve it, and now it’s 3:24 AM. I’m just hoping I can get enough rest for tomorrow in time.

you let yourself go

you let yourself go

those days are gone

those days are gone

called up my mother and my mother said kid,

you're too old for me to handle your shit

sleeping through your shift,

you're sleeping through your shift,

giving up what I tried to give you,

can I sit down and just trust you're ok?

I can't even count how many goddamn days

I've been up sick for you

remember you're not getting saved by no one

well fine, true

like you let yourself go

you let yourself go

these days are gone

these days are gone

called in the middle of the night like hey,

I think I need to be saved

It's like 3 am and the bars all closed

and the streets too cold

look at the mess I've made

anyway, they say you're too busy

trying not to feel yourself

you're killing yourself

and when they tried to help,

didn't go well

another story to tell

like you let yourself go

you let yourself go

these days are gone

these days are gone

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