I had a pretty shitty day today, and I was starting to feel really bad, but I ended up eventually going to the gym pretty late, and I did squats for the first time in a while. I managed to do 285 pounds without a belt, which is not usually something I do – and this is only 20 pounds less than my all-time PR. The craziest thing is it moved pretty easily actually, and I ended up feeling pretty good in the workout. And now I’m just putting Hash and getting ready for bed. Everything will be OK.
I had a stupid idea for something to send to S, and so I quickly made it and it was so bad that I didn’t have it in me to share it with anyone else lol. I still sent it to him ofc, since I have no reservations around him. But while doing that, I ended up seeing my tiktok drafts, and I saw a few things that were so embarassing that I fully started like cowering in my own apartment by myself. I did then proceed to share it with S and J, but not on my story to friends. I did however see the drawing I paid $5 for of me giving birth, and I thought that was so fire so I posted that on my story, to much chagrin of others. J then mentioned “Isnt it great not having a shame response” and that did make me think for a bit. I think I do have a pretty strong shame response, but not exactly for being weird or esoteric. I’m not fully sure why those parts are fine with me, but I’d guess it has something to do with the lack of solid socialization growing up. I think because I didn’t really have a community to conform to, I am not necessarily too afraid of that judgment. I think that’s also because I haven’t really gotten much negative feedback for my cringy behaviors in the moment. Like for example with this blog — I think it’s fully within reason for someone to give me shit for this or call me weird, but strangely enough that hasn’t happened yet. I’d like to think that I’ve gotten enough positive feedback and I’m solid enough in my worldview that even if I did get that negative feedback from a random person it wouldn’t affect me much. I guess it’s weird to try to figure myself out more, and to put rules and understand my behaviors, like where I draw the lines on certain things. I think I’m happy with this version of me.
There’s a girl I’m kind of interested in that likes the kind of rock music that I do, and I said that I would make a playlist. I like to take pride in my purposefully esoteric or cryptic playlist names, and I settled for vitality in a trenchcoat. I guess the story for that one is how I really like the saying that anger is just a grief in a trenchcoat, and I think to me rock music is vitality – the willingness to live. I think the energy that it brings and that it makes me feel is what kind of saved me, during that period of time in my life where I quit medication and went on a last ditch effort. I think that energy and aggression from the music helped me feel not alone in a way. It’s kind of like a conscious choice for me, when I start to slip again I can either choose to fall deeper into it with sad music, or I can rage against it and I’m incredibly grateful for rock music for supporting me there.
I used to think that music was like magic, in the way that if you learned how it worked then the magic would disappear. It would be replaced with another kind of appreciation, one for the design — but the visceral element of it would disappear and never come back. that’s what made me afraid to learn more about music; I never wanted to lose that wonder. But the more I learn, the more I realize how wrong I was. Every time I’ve learned something new about music, every example of it becomes an additional piece of love, and thought that goes into something already beautiful. You can eat a cake, and appreciate the fact that a baker made it for you with love. But imagine learning and getting to meet the farmer who gathered the eggs for your cake, or the trucker that drove eight hours to get those eggs to the right location, or even the engineer that planned out the logistics route that enabled this transfer, and it keeps going. I don’t know about you, but each additional layer makes me feel loved and seen in a way I didn’t think it was possible. I think it’s such a beautiful human thing to see how much comes together to make something so beautiful. Except in this case the farmer is the drummer, with hands cramping putting there heart into the foundational rhythm and energy of the song, even when it’s immediately overshadowed. maybe the baker is the lyricist, figuring out how to put an experience into words much like a poet. Each new musical technique is an exploration into this shared human brain together. I don’t know what I’m saying with any of this but all I know is music is nothing like magic in the sense where learning more about it doesn’t ruin it. Instead learning more gives you an additional color to see all of these love letters written to the human experience.
I got invited to another event today and even though it was again out of my comfort zone I went, and I even invited people to join me. I’m really glad I did, I again made more friends and I had a great time. Wanted us to people there however was someone that virtually no one liked, and they kept saying he was a dick and giving examples. I got the greenlight to rage bait him, and unfortunately for him he is very gullible and every single bait was hook line sinker. He didn’t take offense to it but I also don’t think he knew he was getting rage baited, and everyone else was losing it. But some of the things I did I think were kind of dickish, and I kind of want to think ethically about rage baiting. I always like to give people the benefit of the doubt and form my own opinions on them, but immediately I was rage baiting him, and I don’t think he is a bad person. I think he’s just socially deaf and doesn’t understand that some of the things that he says aren’t nice or are unwanted. I don’t think that necessarily means that someone deserves to get bullied, and I think that there is a way to rage bait where they aren’t getting excluded or bullied, and I think if I want to feel OK with my actions I would need to focus on that. That looks like including him, and not doing things that are hurtful, but rather benign. I’d like to think more about that because I don’t want to be hurtful to anyone.
I got invited to go out with a group of people and I was so horribly anxious about it, I was tweaking in my car not wanting to go in. I eventually did and it was just me, the girl who invited me, and her friend who was visiting. At one point I went to the bathroom and I did not want to leave because I was tweaking from anxiety lol. Eventually more people started coming, and alcohol absolutely helped, but I loosened up and was more of my authentic self. I kept making stupid jokes and things that made me laugh, and it seemed like the others appreciated that. We eventually went out clubbing and even though no one else was really dancing, I was absolutely fucking turning up and I had an absolutely great time. The people were also really cool and fun to be around, and I’m incredibly happy that I met them. One girl was even flirting with me which was absolutely fire because I thought she was really funny and beautiful. I kind of avoided flirting back because she was close with another person there, and I kind of got the feeling that he likes her. But altogether, I had a really nice night and I made a lot of new friends. They found me really funny which was a huge plus also lol. Below are a couple of my favorite jokes that I made
One of the girls lied successfully and convinced me that she was part of open AI, and got a $1.5 million bonus along with the rest of the company. Once I found out this was not true, I continued to put her in awkward or rough situations, even going as far to pressure her to donate $1000 to a dogs go fund me. Same with probably announcing to everyone I could.
I worked with another girl to give her a backstory to lie about, with her being a Lockheed Martin employee, and throughout the night we kept talking about how much we loved murdering innocent people in the Middle East. I kept escalating and she kept not backing down which was fire.
One of the guys called me gay for dancing (jokingly) and so I told him yeah I am, and then continued to really badly flirt with him loudly. While we were walking and joking, I started to brush my hand against his and try to hold his hand
I forgot the context but I told the women how it was rough that I had to pay for Hinge minus, to reduce the number of matches I was getting.
in the Uber home they were persistent on asking me about my relationship with my family and I successfully managed to keep them all guessing, and when they asked me hard questions I would ask what their favorite labubu was as a distraction.
On the dance floor the girl that was flirting with me threw a lasso and tried to reel me in, and I acted like it was around my neck and started pantomiming choking. Pretty classy way to turn down that flirt I think, which is a shame because I would’ve absolutely loved to dance with her.
I got a group of people to do the Macarena with me on the dance floor.
I tried to convince people about a new move called the poltergeist, where you act like someone’s throwing ass on you to an empty space.
There was plenty more that made me laugh like crazy, and I’m guessing I’m just happy that I’m who I am.
So it turns out it is not as easy as I thought. I made a Hinge yesterday, and I matched with someone that matched my energy and seemed really cool, and we even planned a date for Saturday. Today they ghosted me for like eight hours, and then mid finalizing the plan sent a ton of texts saying that they are deleting their account and apologizing for ghosting me along with a ton of other not great stuff. The other match that I had sent one half assed message, and then stopped responding, and it’s weird because I would am out of their league. I know that online dating apps are not great for men, and I hoped that I would be an exception now. I have an incredibly good job, I’m pretty successful, I’m physically attractive (from what others tell me), and I feel like I have a lot of qualities and values that are important to me for a partner. It’s only been one day so I don’t want to jump to any conclusions, but I already feel my self-esteem dropping. On one hand I know that dating apps and things like that are not at all accurate, but at the same time facing this much rejection back to back, especially from people that aren’t in my league, hurts. I don’t know, I feel like venting about this because it can be misinterpreted as some incel behavior, but it just hurts to feel this disconnect between all of the good feedback that I get from my friends, and the stark contrast of dating apps. I wish I could ask future me how I ended up meeting my wife. I hope it was worth it. I guess what seems the smartest would be to prioritize being happy regardless of dating, that way it doesn’t really matter how long it takes.
I was super proud of the choreo I learned yesterday, and so I decided to post it on my tiktok so I could watch it again later. It ended up getting a LOT more traction than I expected, and I ended up getting like 100 comments, and it was like 80% women. I didn’t mean to post something like that, but I can’t lie the validation felt really nice. Having people tell me how I’m handsome and a good dancer, and also making relatively unwanted sexual comments about me was surprisngly nice, like I felt really desired.
I’ve been really struggling with depression the last few days, but today after therapy I felt better. I fucked up my beginner dance class today, and when I went home I decided might as well try to learn a choreo for the first time. I’ve wanted to try that for a long time, but never actually did — and so might as well just do it. I was dancing for an hour already for the class, and then danced at home for another 3.5 hrs learning the choreo, all during the heat advisory. I was sweating out of my fucking MIND, and also beyond exhausted, but I ended up learning the first half and was so fucking proud of myself. I keep watching the best video take of me, and I like can’t believe that’s me. I’m so proud of myself.