Today I put in 9.5 hours at work all overtime, since it was the weekend. Last Monday I also went in and worked, so that’s even more overtime since it was labor day. Tomorrow I’m going in to work a full day also, and so my paycheck is going to look fuckin FAT. 10 hours of overtime is $680 pre-tax, holy shit. But also I just enjoy it so much, spending a full day writing code and addressing PR comments, it’s genuinely just like homework and I feel so productive. I went to Dunkin Donuts in the morning and got two donuts and two large drinks with caffeine, and that was all I had for the next 10 hours lol. I was so happy when leaving because I felt like I did so much good work, and I can’t wait to do more tomorrow. I just love working.
I’ve not had much sleep this week and today its fucking hitting me, I guess no caffeine and no adderall this morning probably don’t help. I’m falling asleep right now.
Around half a mile my side started cramping but I kept going. A little bit past a mile I started to hit my limit with my shins hurting and my left hip pinched. My brain said this is hell, and I responded by trying to remind myself what hell was. I thought about the SA, the traumatic moments with old friends, and the months of just numb sitting quiet on the bathroom floor. But eventually the pain got louder than what I could think and so I just started bashing my knuckles against the metal railings of the treadmill. I started with my forearms and wrists, but it hurt more and the pain was sharper so I kept hitting the knuckles on my hands. Every time the pain went away, I would swing my arms into the sides until it hit the knuckles in the right way to make me fully recoil. I started just chanting to myself “I want the pain”, and every time I could think I would hit my hands again until the burning pain took over everything else. Around 2.4 miles I noticed the knuckles on my hands were bruised, and I would barely have to hit them once for me to involuntarily clutch them against my chest. I realized I had been crying involuntarily from the pain alone. I didn't even feel my legs or lungs, it was just the sharp pain in my arms. Near the end my body wanted to give out, but for the last half mile I just kept hitting my hands until that was the only thing. 3 miles. Where's that bitch I hate so much, the one that's afraid of pain and that's so ready to just fall over and die. I fucking hate myself sometimes, and at least now I have this pain to show for it. I hate that version of myself so much. How's this for change. On the drive home once the rest of my body stopped feeling on fire I realized how all of the cuts on my face were on fire from all of the salt in my sweat. In highschool that was enough pain for me to be afraid, and now it wasn't even an afterthought. I hate that bitch so fucking much. No one has ever judged me for that except for myself, so this hate is genuine. This isn't because I feel like I need to conform or anything else like that, but just out of pure hate. 3 fucking miles. It hurts to close my hands now.
The only things I can think about on my bucket list are two main things right now: skydiving and seeing Cleopatrick in person. In my head, I give myself a margin for forgetting something by saying 3 bucket list things, and I guess I could say going 150mph in my car. I was worried however that Cleopatrick wouldn’t go on tour, but earlier this year they were opening for a festival in Europe, and I was really considering saving up to fly out just for them. I ended up not being able to regardless because of school and other stuff, but by some stroke of god, they are touring in November! They are also releasing brand new music, and they are playing their first show in LA. I am going to skip a day of school on Wednesday and drive down two hours to see them in person and I cannot fucking wait, when I got the tickets I was shaking so fucking bad, I even started hyperventilating, I had never done that before. I was so excited that when I took Hash out since I just woke up, at one point I got such a twitch of energy from excitement that I fully missed a step and did a fucking fix-it-felix jump in the air. I’m so excited, that's something I’m looking forward to so much.
Today while I was running on the treadmill at the gym I saw the TV talking about the SF pride golf event, and it got me thinking about community as a whole. I know that there are a good amount of pride events, and those do give a community for people of that group. But also I think that the larger a community the less you can connect with it. I was thinking about how as a group I don’t typically think about as a minority – a man, the groups are much wider, and I think because of that there is less of a pressure to really connect. When I think about my communities, the more niche or small, the more connected I’ve been to them. To large groups I feel way less connected, but at the same time, it’s much easier to find. However, with the smaller groups, there is less of a pressure to conform and it is much more dynamic as you get to grow as a group, instead of growing into the group itself.
It’s late at night and I should be sleeping but instead I stayed up watching clips from the podcast bad friends. I just laughed for a while while getting ready for bed, and I think it’s kinda funny how that’s all that I really remember or think about from today. I don’t actively think about the things I laughed about a few hours ago, or the experiences I had. Is this what it means to live in the moment?
Today I went to Gen Korean-BBQ since there’s one near my work, and because the lunch menu is only $20. I finally went today, and since it was a weekend I had to pay $30 for the dinner menu. I decided since I was already there and hadn’t gone in forever that I would do it anyway. When I was nearing the end of the meal, the gas went out in the building and the fires would no longer light, so everyone had their meals free, so I essentially got a full meal of fancy meats for free!
Other than that, I’ve had 3 ice cream sandwiches and two hot pockets with chicken tikka curry from a bottle. I’m really living the divorced dad life, and I’m enjoying it.
I need to preface I mean shitty as in the quality of the review, but not the show itself. I decided to watch Frieren because of the edits I have been seeing along with the overwhelming positive reviews from several different people. I expected something incredibly intense, and something inspiring through sheer power and prowess of the main character, but I instead got a subtle almost slice of life anime about someone experiencing grief in a very unique way. The show actually subverted my prior expectations several times, with Frieren choosing peace and a calm life with virtually no ego. I think this was a very strangely refreshing thing to be exposed to, since a lot of media that I inadvertently consume are things that fuel the inherent desire I have to be great at things. Frieren instead was someone who was great at something, and never did it. Not in a humble sort of way, but out of freedom to not have to do it or hide it from fear of perception. She is someone who is both publicly understood to be incredibly powerful, but not once has she ever shown it or done anything of the sort necessarily. She didn’t play a hero, and had no savior moment like I know plenty of others also fantasize about. Instead she led a life unburdened by performance, and was able to live unapologetically and learn for the love of experience. I think I’d like to live like that. I don’t know if I can put a number on a show like this, since it wasn’t anything like I expected – but I’d highly recommend giving it a shot if you just want to sit back and watch something calm.
So today around 8 pm I got a message from someone higher up in the company saying that tomorrow morning in the meeting with other leads, we will be spending that time doing a deep dive on my project. I have not prepared any slides or talking points, and I am not 100% sure if my demo will even work since I am in the process of making several different changes. But instead I stayed up losing bronze games of league with A, and watching Frieren. And holy shit, Frieren has me fucking squealing and giggling like a little kid – this shit is awesome. But now I have not given myself enough time for a full nights rest so let’s see how that goes!