An Open Letter

I got a message from a recruiter from Meta asking to setup a call soon for a machine learning position. What a dream! I pray it works. I really pray.

I’ll write about this later, but I guess in a weird nova-effect way I’m glad it’s broken. I’m sad it’s $100 wasted due to negligence, but hey I’m glad what happened. I’m happy I’m resilient enough to not get caught up by it either.

I had a good interview today, and so I hope to hear back with the final round soon. I also got another email from another smaller company offering an interview, and I hope that it goes well since I’d love to be able to actually do good work.

Turns out the job application isn’t really a prestigious job, but rather just generating data for an LLM for coding tasks. I feel like I’d crush it, but at the same time it may get soul sucking. Oh well.

I wanted to write more about this but I ended up staying up way past when I needed to go to bed by because I was dopamine addicted to leetcode questions. I just kept doing one more, and then just one more until I finished like an additional 15 or so. This is a better form of dopamine addiction I’d say but still DAMN. I wanna write more about this song later, but I was really fucking with it today – I got home and immediately worked on learning to play it on the guitar. I love the imagery from it.

Today A came to martial arts, and I realized how I’m comfortable with the thought of it now even though earlier on I was afraid of friend groups mixing at all. I do feel kinda low right now, maybe I should have gone to the gym. Oh well, tomorrow I definitely will – with my no tech stimulation day. I hope I enjoy reading!

Yesterday night on an impulse I uninstalled tiktok, since I wanted to reclaim my attention span. Today at the gym without tiktok I actually had an AMAZING time. I spoke to about 7 people, and also just pushed my body so incredibly hard it was super gratifying. I’m happy I uninstalled it.

I’ve neglected my sleep a decent amount and so most of the things I think or say right now are barely lucid. It’s mostly just whichever hemisphere of my brain is responsible for the automatic processes just doing its best at next word prediction. I don’t think I should really write anything of substance today so I’m going to leave it here I guess.

The title is a bit more aggressive than I feel right now, but I just love the song GREAT LAKES by Cleopatrick. There was a girl at the gym today who had some MASSIVE quads/hamstrings and I asked them for their leg day since I want legs like that. We talked a bit and we both didn’t really have gym buddies so I asked if they wanted to exchange contact info to work out sometime. When I told A, she snuck in a message which felt like she was accusing me of lusting over the girl’s ass or something along those lines. I felt pretty disgusted and upset by that comment since I think it’s incredibly objectifying and perverted. I don’t like this feeling like I’m on the stand and I need to prove that I’m trying to make more friends, and not that I’m trying to fuck some other girl, let alone the fact that I hold it as a core value to not sexualize friends.

I know that there are other circumstances at play, but even with me putting in a lot of effort to process and communicate my thoughts and feelings in a way that’s constructive A responded in a fairly inflammatory way, while also ignoring my feelings to further bring up her problems with it. She made up a strawman, and also finished the combo with “I don’t want to talk about it.” and so I have no choice but to just sit here and feel upset and shit on. I also can’t justify anything or even try to argue my side, so I just have to take it again. Typing this out it feels like I’m describing the shitty pattern from childhood with my mom, but this doesn’t feel like it’s hitting a nerve for better or for worse. Maybe it didn’t hit that hard, or maybe that nerve’s just gone for my own sanity.

I feel like after we talk about this, I’m going to have to deal with the job of making her not feel guilty when she apologizes for her communication. I know I have the bar set too high for the average person, but I wish I didn’t have to deal with the apology after the punch. I wish I just didn’t get punched in the first place. I consistently put in this extra effort to try to process what I say to others for their sakes (along with mine I guess), and I wish everyone did similarly. I’m glad I can at least vent here, it’s not like writing into the void can ignore my feelings, hell it can’t acknowledge it lol.

Today I only ate a slice of cake and a beef stick. At 11 me and A went to Taco Bell, and I was shaking from excitement for the food for almost half an hour beforehand. Once we got there, I unwrapped my food, got it ready, and decided to set a one minute timer just to really recognize and have gratitude for it. I spent that meal almost meditating, focusing and enjoying the meal. I want to be more present and enjoy my experiences.