An Open Letter

E was asking when the mercy skin leaves the shop, since she wanted to buy it. I immediately bought credits so I could gift her, and turns out you can’t gift lol. So I bought her credits to her account so she could get it. I don’t usually like to spend money on people for gifts, since I am afraid of things being transactional or being used, but this is different. I want to show her that I care about her, and how I really want her to be happy. I feel like I can be somewhat difficult at times, mostly because I get sad or fill myself with self-loathing. Even though it doesn’t affect her because I’m pretty good at being responsible about it, I still feel bad. I want her to feel consistently loved by me, even when I am low. I care about her a lot.

I’m gonna actually do my best to sleep early tonight for the first time fucking ever. But I guess I wanted to write down a little bit first. Today for some reason I sent E a fit picture, she responded so positively I got fully taken aback. It surprisingly hit me really really deeply, and I think the reason why it was because it felt like even though I wasn’t posing or performing to try to look hot or something, she still was super enthusiastic to see it. And that made me feel like she likes me, not me when I’m posing, or me in certain pictures. Like it feels like she sees me and she likes that. And it’s kind of stupid it makes me wanna cry like breathing out a sigh of relief from something I didn’t even know I was holding onto. Like I feel loved. I feel accepted. Holy shit.

I even tried to go to bed early tonight. I guess I’ll keep this short, but I’m happy N came to dance today. It’s weird because N strikes me as a fake-nonchalant if that makes sense, she’s very nonchalant and doesn’t really acknowledge emotions and tries to be opaque with them, but I feel like that’s one of those coping mechanisms from having too many emotions under the surface and not understanding how to express them healthily. I’m a little bit worried that she is crushing on me, since every time I mentioned E and how I’m excited to ask her out she would have small shifts in her body language and demeanor. She also would make these comments that feel like she’s vying for my attention or approval, and I’ve been doing my best to correct that behavior without having to do so explicitly. I really hope that E doesn’t feel concerned at all because I absolutely want E and it’s no question, I want to just be platonic friends with N. I’m really thankful that my therapist gave the green light to ask her out soonish, since that means I can be explicitly clear without having to say it, but I can tell people how I have a girlfriend, and hopefully that lets them down easy. I think it’s such a weird change, I’m not used to being someone that people like, and crush over. J from dance kinda follows me around like a puppy and I’ve even explicitly told her I don’t want her to flirt with me, but I think she keeps trying to get me to like her, and it makes me uncomfortable. I also worry that N may also have a crush on me, which is not reciprocated and so I want her to move on in the case that’s true. Also, having other friends relatively recently show interest in me, it’s been such a weird change. I’ve worked on my garden so much that I attract all of these butterflies now, and I now have the (great?) problem of being worried that E may get anxious. I really hope I can be transparent enough that she feels comfortable and safe there. I can’t wait till she’s in my arms on Saturday, it’s going to be one of those nights where I don’t want to fall asleep but rather just stay conscious with her snuggled up to me.

Lots of updates, hoo boy.

I’ve been here since like 1 AM on a video call with E on Discord, while she’s hanging out with another friend. It’s a bit weird because I’m sometimes just sitting here while they have a separate conversation I’m not involved in. It’s a bit weird because I feel a bit awkward being here while not being directly part of the conversation. I’m tired, but I think I’m happy. I don’t know, I keep seeing things, and I wait for the hammer to drop, but I don’t think it does. I wonder if I am a jealous person. I don’t know how much is intentional or how much is natural. Is it normal for someone not to be jealous at all? I find that I have these little pulls in my chest when she mentions something about someone else, and even though I trust her and feel confident that nothing bad is happening, I get possessive almost. In a soft way, but it’s there. It’s such a weird thing to be in love.

It’s a stupid thing to be proud of but I got high with some friends, and I haven’t done this in forever because of my anxiety. But I wasn’t anxious! Even though things didn’t go great I was fine. That’s such a big relief honestly. One thing I remember was D and N kept talking about a dance video I had and how good it was, and N kept making suggestive comments and I kind of felt uncomfortable. Like to me because I was not wearing a shirt in that video (because I was drenched in sweat from three hours of trying to learn) it felt too slutty and weird. I ended up privating it just now because it feels too much like a thirst trap, and while part of me kind of did know it would be seemed like that, like I felt hot making the video, I feel really uncomfortable when IRL people remember and think of it. There are two outcomes that are terrifying to me for different reasons, one is they’re making fun of me and I’m doing something embarrassing and it’s something to laugh at. The other is they find it attractive and I’m afraid to even consider believing that because that’s both uncomfortable for a platonic friendship, and also then if I believe it if they are actually making fun of me I look even more like an idiot. It’s like an unstable Nash equilibrium, if I accept it as a compliment and they are meaning to complement it, then I’m fine. But if they change their action I end up with a really bad punishment. And I think I’m a pretty weird person and it’s kind of instilled in me that people don’t like weird, and so part of me feels like I’m not actually a friend but rather someone to poke fun at. But I think this is one of those unstable equilibriums where D is genuinely a friend. Because of that I don’t want to shy away and keep my guard up. I like hanging out with her and I’m grateful for her as a friend.

I know I’m struggling with a depressive episode right now so I don’t want to take any thoughts right now too seriously. But I’ve been struggling with feeling attractive or wanted while talking with E. At least physically. I give her a lot of praise and positive feedback which she eats up, and I’m genuine in giving it. But I’ve also told her a few times that I would really like to receive positive feedback, and especially proactively. And she acknowledges it, but it doesn’t ever really come. It feels like she often responds with something along the lines of she needs to spend more time with me. That combined with the fact she said that her attraction is shaped by knowing the person, I end up just feeling like she doesn’t find me that attractive right now. It feels like whenever I try to clear up this uncertainty it just gets worse, almost like she’s saying “heyyyy, stop asking questions you don’t want the answer to”. I think my depression is biasing me a lot, but I feel like I’m just consistently getting the feedback that I find her way hotter than she finds me. God I want to be wanted. I hate this feeling of almost begging for her to tell me if she finds me attractive, and then getting what ends up feeling like a consolation trophy back. It makes me angry in the way that thinly covers grief. I want to yell into nothing about how I AM hot now, and how lots of people find me attractive. I’m not ugly anymore, I’m not too small or skinny, I’m not fat either, and I look great because of this work I’ve put in. I’m worth wanting and lusting over finally, and it’s not a reflection on me that she doesn’t find me as hot as I wish she did. It sucks because I still have hope that she’s just not vocal about it the way I am. That hope sucks because then I have to keep fighting this thought. Or is it just easier to give in? What happens if I just believe that I’m not that hot to her? God it’s too explicit for me to try to ignore it. Time to do CBT, it’s too clear I should be doing that here.

Situation:

E isn’t proactive with her attraction to me, and I’ve brought up several times that I really value someone giving me those positive affirmations, especially proactively.

Thoughts:

She doesn’t find me attractive right now. Out of politeness she gives me consolation prize compliments when I beg, but since she hasn’t been proactive yet that’s evidence that she doesn’t find me that attractive.

Feelings:

Shame, disgust in myself, anger, grief, and I feel pathetic.

Behavior:

I make her less attractive in my mind because it would hurt too much to really care and value someone who I’m just a consolation prize to.

But a better thought would maybe be,

Thoughts: She just doesn’t show it over text remotely the way I am comfortable doing. I know a lot of people aren’t as good as me at going out of their way to say things for other people’s sake. She probably does find me attractive, just doesn’t think to express it in the way I want.

Feelings: I feel a bit sad, but more in an “aw man that’s a shame” kind of way. I feel still like my self image is intact, and it doesn’t hurt the same way.

Thoughts: Aw man, sucks but isn’t nearly as bad as depression wants me to believe.

Behavior: I probably talk with her a little about it so I don’t feel like it’s one sided, and then I’m fine waiting for things to change.

Man I’m happy every time I do cbt, I just wish I felt the urge to do it more when I should.

I don’t know how many times I can apologize to no one for not writing much recently. I’m so tired and I waste my time watching youtube or something else chasing another small dopamine hit. I’m not happy today, and it fucking sucks. I’m filled with a lot of self loathing today so I just want to sleep so it ends.

I haven’t had much time to journal since I’ve been sleeping late recently, mostly because I’ve been talking with E late into the night or playing games with friends. That’s a good problem to have for sure. I talked with E today about some stuff and I started feeling depressed, so I wanted to isolate. We ended up talking later and she actually was really kind and patient, and wanted to learn how to best support me. She handled everything really well and I’m super grateful for that. I’m so excited to see where this goes. I think I’m going to ask her out as soon as is relatively reasonable lol.

It kinda sucks to be this way, since I then set my expectations somewhat near that. It feels like I have to babysit and hand-hold so many conversations, and so much excess burden sits on me unnecessarily. That ends up weighing me down, and I sometimes wish that I didn’t have to carry that.