An Open Letter

Heyo. I’m pretty tired, what about you? I went ahead and had two huge conversations regarding issues people have. That shit is exhausting, not to mention an anxiety attack not-so-neatly packaged up in several thousands of characters.

I’m pretty tired already so I don’t want to write too much, but I did want to journal a bit about a fairly cringe way I look at life:

Situation: I have some issues in relationships, and I can go out of my way and put in a lot of effort to try to open communication. This takes a big toll on me, and it isn’t always something I feel is reciprocated.

Thoughts: I could think how this is unfair, and how it is frustrating how for something that we both benefit from, I have to do the heavy lifting.

Feelings: I feel frustrated, I feel upset, and I feel like I am being unfairly treated. I also would feel resentment, as I would think things aren’t right.

Behavior: I would end up with more of a strain on myself than is necessary, and I would probably harbor resentment towards any sort of relationship because of this.

I think a more reasonable thing:

Thoughts: I am putting in this effort for my own sake. That’s it. The other person also does benefit, but I am doing this for me.

Feelings: I feel still tired, but I feel like this is now an act of self-care rather than something I am doing for someone else.

Behavior: I can probably do this more sustainably, and if this turns out to be more than I think is worth for myself, then I am comfortable stopping it.

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(I don’t think this person is going to read this, but on the off chance the person I JUST texted thinks this is a subtweet at them, it is not)

I wrote on my graduation cap “It was for me”, if I remember correctly. The things I do can be appropriately selfish, I don’t need to do things for other people.

Stay strong, love you, Suman. ♥

Hey me. Today I had therapy again, and something she told me to do was to try to do CBT every day of this week. This is me trying to stay to that, along with my own steps for my mental health.

I’m a bit stressed about being a TA, especially since I don’t know the course material. I haven’t really kept up with any of the lectures or anything like that, so I’m always worried I don’t know the material enough to help out, but I still am able to, since the labs are fairly separate. Oh well.

I’m also a bit worried about how I’m perceived. I think it’s a bit strange that I do stuff like write on this blog, all while it’s linked to my social media accounts. I’m glad I don’t have this tied to more “normal” social media. I think I’m a fairly strange person, and that’s something I’m weirdly proud of. I don’t like the idea of being someone who fits a mold. I think it’s a fairly cringy thing when I mention it, but for me, it’s more I don’t like the norm. I have no issue conforming, but I would rather be someone who is violently open to life. I want to live unapologetically, as someone who isn’t afraid to love and live openly.

Something my sister wrote in her description of herself for the US Presidential Scholars award was how she was “unapologetically smart”, and I think that was something that fundamentally changed how I saw life. I fell in love with those words – I find that’s something I have tried to remind myself again and again.

I find the most common place I lie is because I don’t want other people to feel bad. I don’t know if this is because of my own issues with that, or because I’m short-sighted and don’t see how that can backfire eventually. I don’t really know how to answer questions sometimes. Today a friend asked me how many pull-ups I could do, and I answered maybe two. I think I could probably do like four, which really isn’t much of an improvement – but I still somewhat lied as I didn’t want to diminish their potential achievements. I did immediately feel weird afterward, as they mentioned how my progress with the gym may not equate to strength directly – and they refined this thought in a different way but that weirdly stuck with me.

I thought later about if I would rather be underestimated, or overestimated. I realized throughout my life I always consider myself to be underestimated, but I think that’s because of how I constantly present myself. I always have a faux-humility around my talents or skills, as I partially want people to underestimate me deep down. I’m afraid of disappointing people I think. I also want to be able to fuel my ego by being more than what people think. It helps feed that fantasy of being underestimated, and having that grand triumph of finally revealing it, like some weird anime-esque moment. It’s weird to mention my flaws so openly, but it just feels natural.

I guess in the theme of just rambling, I feel weird whenever people mention I’m ‘brave’ or anything of that sort regarding being open with this blog. I can’t help but think it’s a somewhat condescending way of mentioning judgment in a socially acceptable way. I don’t think this is something good, to post such intimate things constantly in such a public way. I wouldn’t be surprised if people have talked about this behind my back, or if this has put people off. But at the same time, I don’t really know if that would be something I care about too much. I have my own selfish reasons for having this blog, but part of me also doesn’t expect anyone to read this so I have the freedom to write whatever.

I struggle with this in texts, conversations, calls, and everything else of the sort. I feel like I’m too much of a person. I have a lot of things you could argue are repressed, and so when I get an avenue to display them I overdo it. I like using the analogy of someone on a deserted island, who finally gets a potato. Ideally, they would plant the potato, and that way they can grow enough to live off of. If they’ve been hungry long enough, nothing can stop them from just eating the potato there and then – eventually dooming them again. I feel like this is the same with a lot of social things. Coming into ‘real’ life, I had so many things neglected, and I was starving for them so badly. When I got a taste of them, I never would think I could have it again, and I would overdo it. I’ve had to very consciously regulate myself around these things, and now I’m no longer starving. But those learned patterns are still there. This blog is cathartic to me, as I don’t expect anyone to read it. It does make me happy in some ways when I hear that people read it once in a while, but also I don’t want anyone to feel like they have to keep up with it. This way I have the freedom to be myself, with negligible fear of being too much.

God, I haven’t really talked in a while, have I? I have so much to tell you. It’s been a while since I’ve really thought about anything – hasn’t it? I’ve been pretty depressed for a while. It’s been kinda rough, especially with all of the other symptoms you know too well. But I think things are getting a bit better. I set my status a bit ago about how I hoped the rainbow would be beautiful; the whole thought of after the worst moments great things happen feels flawed. The last few times something horrible has happened, nothing great has come after it. But after all, isn’t being alive something great? It’s a gift to have Hash, my bed, and my (relative) health. I have a lot more to tell you, but it’s getting a bit late so let me do some CBT and go to bed.

Situation: I am worried about my future, as I don’t know how it will go. There are so many things that could go wrong, specifically for making friends.

Thoughts: I could think that because I can’t foresee it, it won’t happen. This fundamentally comes from the thought that everything good must come from my direct actions and planning.

Feelings: I would feel pretty damn hopeless. I would get more depressed I think, as I don’t have much optimism for the future without a concrete plan.

Behaviors: I mentioned getting more depressed, but I also wouldn’t put myself in the situations to make new friends, as I see it as something out of my control, as I can’t plan for it.

A less naive view:

Thoughts: It’s incredibly vain to think that I have control over everything in my life. Try to think about how many things have significantly changed my life arguably for the better that were at no planning of my own. The most I can do is put myself in positions for things like this and keep an optimistic view of life. I am not in fine control, but I can steer my life towards the one I want.

Feelings: I feel both less in control, and more at the same time. Funny how that works. I feel a bit more optimistic about life at the same time. I also weirdly feel like I either make more friends, and I’m happy, or the time passes and I don’t even miss it.

Behaviors: I think I am fundamentally more secure and content with life this way. I feel a bit more in touch with life, and less like a control freak who blames themselves for things out of my control.

I love you. That’s it. Unconditionally, 92 til infinity. Love you Sumna ♥

Two things I wanted to quickly jot down before I ran to class – they mentioned they’ve started to feel joy, and that made me incredibly happy. But also they wanted me to share my list of things we would do when they got back and even mentioned how they wanted to add things also. They even jokingly said, “Me when I have to wait for my bitch friend to come back”.

I’m both glad to have them as a friend, but also glad to know that I don’t depend on them as a person. That being said, I love spending time with them and talking to them, they are someone I feel comfortable around and I feel like I can be myself.

There are so many different ways I can think about this to write, but my class is starting soon and I have to leave. Another great friend is coming to visit and hang out. Others want to play some games today. I’m waiting for another to recover so we can hang out more. I’m glad I have these friends.

Later today I'm going to go back and collect some posts when I've came out of depression, to prove to myself this is not the world. When you're in a burning house it's hard to remember the whole worlds not on fire.

So what if I can't squat. I can still squat, I just might not be able to one rep max. Oh well. 1000-255 or whatever. I'll just make up for it with my other lifts. Nothing changed, life's not even close to over.

On top of it, I'm sick of my unconscious mind considering suicide as an option. Ive decided to set a restriction on it. Until I hit 1k, I am not going to do it or even consider it.

I tried convincing myself against it while turning left. My dad’s calling again.

I thought about the things I’d miss. I wouldn’t get to see sunsets or hug Hash again. I wouldn’t get to smell the leaves of a jacaranda tree on the way back from the gym. I wouldn’t get to meet new people. I wouldn’t get to see my friends again.

I used to always have great, wonderful moments happen – and then somehow ruin them and I would end up feeling depressed. I would believe that after great things, horrible things would happen. At some point, I wanted to convince myself that after horrible things, great things would also happen. I hope that’s the case. I think I’m due for a rainbow.

I miss being happy and content with life like I was over the summer. What changed?

I’m sitting here after finishing the game, and my face is covered in tears. Hash is asleep on my lap, and there’s a candlelit between me and my monitor. The wounds on my face sting from the salt from my tears.

Earlier today the voice kept coming back. I kept hearing it tell me how nice it would be. I wanted to drive my car off the cliff, or into a wall as fast as it could possibly go.

I’ve been tired. I’ve been tired for a while now. Life hasn’t been the best if I’m going to be honest. I’m afraid of going back on medication, especially because it didn’t really work for me. I don’t want to die, but it keeps tempting me.

I’ve felt like my life is falling apart in a soft way. I’ve lost my friend groups and my sense of community. I had a doctor’s appointment earlier today, and the doctor told me there’s a very good chance I can’t squat heavy weights due to something wrong in my abdomen, most likely a hernia. This most likely means I won’t be able to hit my goal of the 1000 lbs club, which was something I had been pushing myself towards for the better part of half a year now. I also have an x-ray of my ankles and shins, as I might have a stress fracture on them. I don’t think I’ll be able to run, no matter how hard I’ve been pushing myself. I feel like every time I’ve tried to get back up, life has hit me back down. I’m tired.

I called my dad. I wanted to tell him I didn’t want to live, but instead I told him I was tired. I am tired. I’m also starting to have to fight back these intrusive thoughts again. I don’t want anyone to be worried about me, so part of me wanted to write this in atbash cipher like I used to do. I think I’ll try to drown this out with other posts so no one feels worried. I worry I’m too depressing of a person, but I don’t know what to do. I do my best to hide it or at least control it away from other people, but it gets hard when it becomes a constant thing. I’m tired. I don’t want to be this person. I’ve fought hard, I really have – you have to believe me. I don’t think I can do this.

I’m nowhere near suicidal ideation (I think), but I’m definitely not at a good place either. I find depression whispering its soft melody into my ears, a gentle promise of all of my pain going away with one final action. My mom used to tell me that it was a long-term solution to a short-term problem. It doesn’t feel that way, Mom. It feels like a problem that’s been as far back as I can remember. I don’t think an 8-year-old should have looked at a bottle of toxic chemicals and heard that voice. I’m so, so tired. If I lay down it’s over, but I don’t know how to keep walking.

I found myself thinking about it while driving back home from the doctor. I was thinking about how it would affect the people around me. None of these people were at fault or would deserve to have to hear that news. But I was thinking about it. I’m really tired.

Hey me. I sat here for a couple of minutes not even knowing what to write, even though I turned my computer on for this reason. I guess I’ll just somewhat vent. Last night I was hanging out with a group of friends I hadn’t hung out with before and was having a great time. While we were out, we saw two mutual friends we all know in a car at a stoplight, and we yelled out and waved. Then from the backseat, another friend rolled their window down.

Those three people in the car were my “close” friends who I would hang out with nearly every day last year. They normally aren’t good at responding to texts, but they basically just fully stopped recently, with no explanation to me why. I did CBT and stuff and believed that it was because they were busy, or not really in the mindset to hang out, but I think I might be wrong. I think they do hang out without me, and they never told me why. The last time we interacted was going to a rave together, which we had planned months in advance, and it was a great time. But since then it’s more or less been radio silence.

I’m worried about both underreacting and overreacting. I don’t ever want to be the person who is doing something wrong, or making huge mistakes that upset people without ever knowing it because they stay in the delusion of thinking it’s never their fault. But at the same time, I feel like all the advice I get is to understand that reasons don’t always have to revolve around me. I think I really should do CBT on this.

Situation: Last night I saw three other friends I used to hang out with all the time in a car together, going to build one of their PCs. They also haven’t really talked to me or responded in our group chat for a while.

Thoughts: I would think they are cutting me off. I’d also think that I did something wrong, and that’s why they must be hanging out without me.

Feelings: I’d feel horrible and anxious, and ultimately I’d feel like an unloveable friend.

Behavior: I would start to avoid them, and also not try to fix or figure out anything. I would just accept this, as it lines up with my worldview of being unloveable.

I don’t have the energy to write anything here.

Thoughts: There are two big trains of thought here: they could still like me and nothing changed, it’s just circumstance or some other reason why we haven’t hung out together yet. But also they could very reasonably not want to hang out with me anymore, and it could be for something I wouldn’t want to change. We are fairly different people, with different interests – I wouldn’t exactly want to compromise who I am to fit in with them more. I think I’ve thought about it enough that I would recognize if I made any big mistakes. And if I haven’t by now, I won’t be able to tell for sure anyway. Unless they explicitly let me know, I don’t think the mental self-harm of attacking every part of my personality would be a good plan. That’s just how it goes sometimes.

Feelings: I feel a bit sad, but I don’t feel as devastated. I feel like this sucks, but life sucks sometimes and I think this is one of those things.

Behavior: I stop trying to force things I shouldn’t, and I start to move on. I think not having this group to fall back on will push me to find a new one where I feel more comfortable.

I got a bit sidetracked and googled some stuff. One thing I saw was a piece of advice on how to make meaningful friends, and the advice was fairly simple: stop hanging out with people you don’t want to hang out with. I think if I kept trying to shoehorn myself into this group of friends, I wouldn’t feel this horrible feeling. And without this horrible feeling, I wouldn’t push myself to try to meet new friends, who could be people I feel more comfortable with.

I think feeling this sadness and loneliness is going to be something important. I don’t think I’d be happy with the connections I had, so I will proceed without certainty and find new ones. I already made a good start with a new friend anyway!

I’m sorry that you’re going to feel pretty bad for a bit now, but sometime in the future, I think I’ll be thankful for this. I’m glad I’m facing the pain upfront at least here, as I can now tank this for future me. I love you, man. I hope you can look back and tell me it was worth it at some point. Love you. ♥

and so I’ll do what it takes to change it. I’ve spent so many years of my life unhappy, and I’ve wasted time I will not get back. I thought about it today, and I reminded myself that things won’t change unless I do. It’s so naive to think you have no influence or control over life. It’s also naive to think you can control everything in your life. The most you can do is steer yourself towards the life you want to live.

I talked with a friend yesterday about some stuff, and they mentioned how when faced with any kind of failure they blame themselves. I realized that when I face failure, I feel driven. The several times I’ve tried 225 lbs on bench, I’ve failed. Every time after I’ve found myself smiling, as I want it more, and I can almost taste how sweet the fruit will be.

Hey, I’m gonna have to be a bit careful to not turn this into a pity party for myself. In about a month it’s going to be my 22nd birthday. Since it’s two days after Thanksgiving this year, it’s over the break – no one will be here for it. My parents want me to come home, but I told them I don’t want to again, as I think I’d rather be alone here, than alone there. They said if I had plans with friends they understood, but I don’t have any of those either. Everyone’s gone for my birthday, and regardless I don’t really expect anyone to do anything.

Last year a few other people and I threw a surprise party for two friends, and it was amazing. Their friends came up and all hid in their apartment, and when they came home they all jumped out and surprised them both. We all gave them presents, and it was a nice night. I will say a part of me died inside there, as I felt such longing for something like that. When I sat down to journal this, I wanted to say how I hope I can have a surprise party before I die. Maybe when I’m older, and if I have a partner or someone like that to organize it and do that for me. But I don’t see that happening for a while now, if ever.

I feel pretty bad because I know several friends who have mentioned their love language is giving gifts, but I know they won’t do anything like that. When I was young my parents wouldn’t let me have any birthday parties or have friends hang out, so I ended up just ‘celebrating’ by myself. At least once my parents even forgot it was my birthday. My dad (who I love) even put the wrong birthday down at the bank, and I had to get that fixed recently.

For my 16th birthday, my parents let me have a birthday party. I invited my friends, and I got some candy and a $20 set of poker chips from Target. At some point, my best friend at the time started crying about something trivial, and the rest of the night was everyone else comforting her, and I ended up getting excluded. I don’t play poker, but I bring those chips with me every time I move, and I am incredibly protective over them.

For my 17th birthday, I asked my dad to drive me to the beach and let me sit in the car alone for an hour. He went and walked on the beach, and I listened to music out loud for the first time, and also just cried.

For my 18th birthday, I was the only person in the freshman dorms, as everyone had gone home for Thanksgiving. My mom told me it wasn’t worth it for me to come down, so I stayed there the entire week. I think I left the dorm a total of twice. I would get out of bed around 6 pm, and go to bed at midnight, finally falling asleep at 2 am. I don’t think I even took a single shower or had a single meal the whole week. I just ate trail mix when the pain got bad enough, and maybe a bag of chips.

For my 19th birthday, I had a close friend and I was able to have my first-ever (and only) sleepover. We watched a movie, ate candy and then I slept on her couch and she went to bed. She got me a pink sash that says “birthday bitch”, and I have it in my box of sentimental objects still. She gave me a little bottle of pills, and inside of each was a small written note. Some were jokes, some were kind words. I have it in my hand right now. I read two of them and tears are starting to come.

For my 20th, I was alone again back at home. I don’t remember if anyone told me Happy Birthday or anything like that. My present to myself was I took a glass bottle and threw it as hard as I could behind the hill by my house. That was my first time littering, and I wanted to do something wrong because I was sick of always being good and feeling so alone.

For my 21st everyone was gone again, but I had a belated birthday party. I spent about $50 of my own money getting stuff like cake, food, snacks and invited friends over. No one brought any presents, and a friend was supposed to wingman me with a girl I had a crush on. He ended up flirting with her and they’re still dating to this day.

My 22nd is coming up soon, and I don’t want it to. I wish I was one of those people who didn’t care about their birthdays, but I can’t help it. I wish I had a party, I wish I had people sing for me or think about me. I wish I had people give me presents so I could keep them for as long as I could, so I had something to remind myself of happy moments. I think for next year I’m going to try to order packages or small presents throughout the year and have them delivered on the 25th so it’s like I’m getting presents. I also want to go on something like Reddit and offer people money to send me something like a postcard, or something like that so I can at least have something this year. I don’t wanna spend it alone and empty like normal.

Hey.

One thing I learned a while ago was the 5:1 rule. For every one bad interaction, you should have 5 good interactions – and magnitude or intensity doesn’t matter here. This is used as a litmus test to recognize whether a relationship is healthy. I thought about this because of how I felt hurt again today. I had to ask you to check, as you said you removed me from your close friends on Instagram, where you post updates about your life. I was right; you didn’t re-add me, and you seemed coerced into doing it. I have given you a lot of benefit of the doubt, this time included – I want to think that you being quiet was you feeling bad for forgetting, or maybe you were focusing on doing it. But I don’t know how many times I can give you the benefit of the doubt, as at some point I think I’m deluding myself.

It would have been so much easier to believe these thoughts and not feel like you still want to push me away if you had shown you felt any sort of sympathy or remorse for this mistake. It would have been perfect if you had said something along the lines of “I’m sorry, I genuinely forgot. I know this is a hurtful thing, but this genuinely was a mistake I made, I’m sorry.” but I also don’t know if I can ever expect that out of you. It would have been great to even hear an acknowledgment that it was a mistake, but there was none. I don’t know what else to believe at this point.

You also said “and after I have processed this conversation more I will extend a better apology”, but that never came. The conversation ended up being me again preparing the right way to bring it up to you to make it as easy as possible for you, and you again didn’t follow through with your word. I don’t know what to feel anymore.

You’ve been an incredible friend, I used to think about how you’re one of the best friends I’ve met – but I don’t know what to feel anymore. I feel like you hurt me again and again, and you never seem to regret it or care about it enough to change. I know you’re putting in some effort, but I wish you understood how much effort I’ve put in. I don’t want to have to plan out what to say, or to have to constantly try to open communication. Today when we were going to call, part of me wanted to not because of how anxious I felt.

I feel trapped in the cycle of doing too much, and pushing myself to be a good friend, and it all gets taken for granted. I feel hurt that I always try to be thoughtful and mindful of you, and it feels like anything I ask of you is instantly forgotten.

I hate to write this, but I loved being friends with you. But recently things have just gotten worse, and I don’t know if this is ultimately something I would feel comfortable with. I’m not saying I wouldn’t want to interact with you ever, but I find myself no longer trusting you to give me that respect in several different ways, and arguably more concerning – I don’t feel comfortable talking to you on anything past a surface level. I miss my old friend, that person valued me and cared. I kinda don’t know who you are anymore.

I think if nothing changes when you finally respond, I’m going to start pulling away. I’m tired of reaching out to you and feeling more hurt by your indifference. I’ve tried, I really have.