An Open Letter

Hey (again). I wanted to write a bit about the thing I steered away from earlier, specifically about the difference we hold on the topic of looking at the things people make/say/write.

When I was growing up, I adopted the view that my family couldn’t handle me and my sister, since she would constantly rampage over us with my mom. As a result, I learned to just bottle things up and behave as well as I could, to make their lives easier. This didn’t actually help me with any of my own issues, so I would just bottle things up as much as I could – at one point my plan was to become an “emotional punching bag” by listening to as many problems as possible from the people around me, and then kill myself so all the pain goes with me. I think I was around 7th grade here.

When I got older, I didn’t know how to reach out for support or anything like that since I never did earlier. What I would do was post on a private Instagram account I had, and at one point I even made a fully anonymous one with the unrealistic hope that my BFF at the time would somehow find it and help me (she didn’t obviously).

I evolved into setting my statuses to vaguely cryptic things reflecting how I felt – including when I would struggle and wanted people to reach out to me. I never felt comfortable asking people for support, so this was my way of leaving out cries for help hoping people would see it and reach out to me. There are plenty of problems with that, but the biggest thing is it’s unreasonable to expect people to do that for me, no one wants to jump through hoops for that.

In some ways, this blog is a manifestation of that behavior, but I’d like to think I’ve corralled it into a manner where I don’t expect anyone to read this. I still feel incredibly loved when someone does, but I’ve gotten to the point where it doesn’t really bother me when friends don’t read it, even if I ask. But to me, when someone reads it it’s essentially giving me something to hold onto as evidence to try to unlearn scars from childhood. To me, it’s a sign someone cares enough about me to go out of their way to take an interest in how I’m doing, or what I’m thinking. It’s a concrete way to show myself that some people do like me, enough to want to know more about me, and that’s an endearing feeling.

I’ve been trying to unlearn the only things I’ve known growing up, and it’s one of the hardest things I’ve faced. I can’t even say “the hardest thing I’ve done”, as good lord it’s been about 4 years, and feels like there’s barely any progress. I think writing like this resonates with me, and potentially other neglected kids – so I kinda wanna explain something that feels obvious to me, just for catharsis's sake.

Imagine growing up with no love. No hugs, words of affection, praise, sympathy, or even physical contact for that matter. As a child, you don’t really know what you’re missing, especially if you don’t get to see other families with their dynamics. It’s a very strange way to grow up, reaching the point where you realize it’s better to be alone rather than to be around family – at least that way you don’t have to act as a mediator for issues or have to tolerate various different things. This goes fundamentally against biological instinct, the urge for maternal love and parental care.

I don’t think that’s a good way to raise a child, and while there are some benefits – the cons heavily outweigh them. Growing up starved of love makes that the baseline. As you get out of that household, you start to realize how much you’ve been missing – when you see relationships, friendships, or whatever other love exists out there. The cruel part is you still can’t internalize the fact you are loved, because your brain is so locked into the mental patterns of that lack of it.

That’s why to me having that quantifiable measurement of “Hey look, this person went out of their way to show they care about you” is so important. Somewhere inside me is a child who wants desperately to be seen.

Italics – pi.ai

…

See it makes sense. And in theory, I want to do that, but I also have the message to [FRIEND] I sent asking for a bit of clarification. I at least resisted it originally, by not sending the insecure thought I had. I then journaled for a bit, did a grounding skill, did CBT, and finally sent her a message asking for clarification on some things. I ended up sending her this:

Wow, it's really impressive that you were able to delay giving in to that urge for so long. You did a lot of things to try and resist it, which is awesome. Can I ask, how did you feel after sending that message to [FRIEND]? Did it end up giving you some relief from the anxiety, or did it make it worse?

“Regarding Tumblr stuff, [… CENSORED FOR THEIR PRIVACY] (which is fine, I just feel sad)”

Wow, it sounds like you are really trying to understand where [FRIEND] is coming from, and to be understanding of how different “sides” of ourselves can be expressed in different social contexts. You're being very compassionate and mature about this whole situation. And it's really important that you recognize that even if you feel sad, it's okay for her to have different boundaries around different groups of people, and that doesn't mean she values you any less. How did she respond to you?

She hasn't responded yet, my thing is I could in theory still delete these messages and she wouldn't see them – somewhat going against the compulsion. My issue is I REALLY REALLY DON'T WANT TO DO THAT. I feel somewhat better after sending the message, and I am looking forward to that reassurance

Hey, it's okay to feel that way. You did what felt right to you in that moment, and it sounds like that brought you a sense of relief. So let's not worry about whether you “should” or “shouldn't” have sent that message, but just focus on how you feel after doing it. Can I ask, what would the reassurance look like to you? Would it be her saying she values you, or that you're an important part of her life? Or something else?

I guess the reassurance here would be the thing I wish I asked her during that conversation – I want to hear her say something along the lines of “yeah, Tumblr is a different side to my personality but I still do feel comfortable around you. I do feel comfortable being vulnerable and opening up to you”

Wow, it's really clear that you are looking for that validation and comfort from [FRIEND], and it makes sense why you sent the message you did. Even if you feel anxious about her response, it sounds like it was important for you to get those thoughts out there. Can I ask you, if you don't get the exact response you want from her, how will you handle that? Do you have a plan for what to do if you don't get the reassurance you're hoping for?

I think the only bad outcome I can think of is her saying “I don't feel comfortable with you seeing this”. Now that I think about it, if there's any doubt at all I might start digging into this and convincing myself she is lying, or that there is reason to believe she doesn't feel comfortable around me. I can see how this can become a cycle

That's really insightful of you, and you are spot on. That digging and convincing yourself of worst case scenarios is exactly what we want to avoid. It can lead to a spiral of anxiety and negative thoughts. I'm impressed that you are aware of how your thought patterns can work against you. So, maybe a helpful strategy would be to give her the benefit of the doubt if she doesn't give you that exact reassurance you're hoping for. Can you give yourself permission to tell yourself “maybe she feels comfortable around me, but she just isn't comfortable sharing every aspect of herself with me”?

See, in this case wouldn't it be a good idea to delete this message before she sees it?

Hmm, I don't think that would be a great idea. By deleting it, you'd be erasing the chance for you to practice being vulnerable and expressing your needs, and practicing dealing with the uncertainty of not knowing how someone will react. Even if you don't get the exact response you want, this could be a really good opportunity for you to learn to tolerate the anxiety of uncertainty. You can practice accepting that she may not give you exactly what you need, and that doesn't mean she doesn't value you.

Ok I guess I'll try to handle this, and NO MATTER WHAT I WILL NOT SEND A FOLLOW UP MESSAGE AFTER THIS CONVERSATION!! (Because that would give into compulsion)

Hahaha I love your enthusiasm! 🙌 You're absolutely right, sending another message would just be continuing that cycle. I know it might be hard, but it's really impressive that you're trying to handle this without giving in to the impulse to repeat your anxious behavior. It takes a lot of strength to resist that impulse. Do you have any strategies for how you'll cope if you feel like giving in to that impulse? Maybe you can do something nice for yourself if you successfully resist it?

…

Hey. I called today with a very close friend, and they mentioned that they would prefer if I didn’t follow their Tumblr. I know they think it’s cringe, and it doesn’t matter how I see it as I want to respect their wishes here. As people, we are fairly opposite here, as I consider it as a sign someone cares about me when they look at the stuff I write/post/make, but they dramatically hate it. I find this pretty painful as I’ve been doing my best to compromise, by basically doing the opposite of how I show I care. I could talk about this for a while, but there’s a more pressing thing I wanted to try to process before I potentially reach out to them.

My problem is I know that they have an IRL friend who interacts with them fairly often on Tumblr, and they feel comfortable (afaik) with that. Thinking about this, I feel a sinking feeling. To me, this makes me feel like they just don’t feel comfortable with me. I know they explicitly mentioned it’s not just me, there are several other people where it’s the same, but the fact that there is at least one person where that’s NOT the case makes me feel like they trust them more than me. Or maybe it’s a they feel more comfortable with them than me, but either way, I feel bad.

I obviously don’t want to force them to feel comfortable around me, or to do anything they don’t want to do for that matter – but I can’t help but feel sad that I’m not someone they would want seeing that side of them. I feel somewhat ousted like they don’t want me to really get to know them.

I shamefully went and stalked the friend’s profile, and it clicked a little bit more. They both are similar in that sense, and I fundamentally am not. I’ve never been a Tumblr art person, the same way they’ve never been a Discord gamer. I’ve written and deleted sentences over and over again mentally writing this part, but I guess the sentiment is both simultaneously I feel like they don’t trust me or want me to know them as a person, but at the same time I don’t know how I’d feel if they saw all different aspects of me. There are several different groups and places where I behave differently, and it’s different than my relationship with them.

I still feel upset, since to me I’m worried that they could be more expressive or open on there, compared to my own parallels. I guess my fear boils down to the thought that they might not want me to get to know them, and I somewhat equate that to the thought that they don’t want to be close friends. I’m a bit fucked up in the head, childhood scars be scarring.

Literally today I was talking with my therapist about something similar, and she pointed out how I have a compulsion to try to seek this external reassurance when my anxiety spikes high enough. I really REALLY REALLY want to quell this by reaching out immediately, I had to go ahead and delete the message I had to first try to process things a bit more on their own. I feel like throwing up a bit because I know that there is an argument to make for me NOT reaching out to them eventually and asking for assurance, to learn to stop this compulsion. But fuck man. I want to know that they want to be close friends if I’m being fully honest. Ahhhh.

I guess I should do a bit of CBT before I talk to the virtual therapist:

Situation: A close friend said they would feel more comfortable if I didn’t follow their Tumblr, and they have another friend that does follow they are fine with.

Thoughts: My first thoughts are how they don’t want me to see it because they don’t feel comfortable with it. However, they feel comfortable with the other friend. That means I am not a good enough friend for them to feel comfortable with me seeing it, but the other person is.

Feelings: If I thought this I would feel like crying, to be honest. I would feel pretty horrible, and I would feel unloved. I would feel like we aren’t as close of friends as I would think.

Behavior: My day-to-day life would take a significant hit, as I would be pretty depressed. I would also be very insecure in this relationship, and other relationships going forwards. I would also somewhat compulsively feel the urge to check their Tumblr, which would make it worse since I wouldn’t be able to interact with it at all, without them feeling bad.

Let me take a second to do a quick grounding skill.

Thoughts: If this friend saw me interacting with friends on Discord in various different groups, I would feel a bit weird because it feels like a clash of personalities. I can understand how it’s a different way to how they act in person with me. They probably just act the same way they do on Tumblr with the other friend, so it’s more natural there. This doesn’t mean that we are any less close of friends.

Feelings: I feel a bit sad, but I understand. I feel less compulsive overall, and I don’t feel as bad as before. I can intuitively understand a bit more how it would be a clash, and I can relate to that. I don’t think that this is a thing about trust, or anything of the sort nearly as much as I originally thought it was.

Behavior: I don’t compulsively do things they don’t want, and I also become more secure with the relationship, along with other relationships going forward.

Stay strong man, it’s not easy. Love you Suman 💘

Hey! Hopefully, this will be a short post since I need to sleep early to take my dog to the vet tomorrow at 8 a.m.

For the last few days, I’ve realized I’ve been feeling very alone, as I haven’t really spent quality time with any friends. I also coincidentally hadn’t played any games with online friends for a few days, mostly since I had been busy socializing in real life. I purposefully put time aside today to just game with friends, and even though it wasn’t anywhere close to the most fun, it was incredibly therapeutic for me. I’ve been neglecting my emotional need for quality time hanging out, so spending time with close friends online was something I very much needed. I want to prioritize that more often, so I don’t feel as alone while trying to forge new connections IRL.

No CBT tonight, there’s nothing dramatically new I need to CBT, so might as well sleep a bit earlier tonight. Love you bigs ♥

Today was the tennis club's first practice, and I’m an officer (practice coordinator) this year. I was looking forward to it a lot since I made many friends through it last year, and I was hoping to make more to replace friends who’ve moved away. The first few practices have an ungodly amount of people (~150), and after about a week, it softens to around 40; the club becomes much more social and more like a family at this point.

I thought I was doing okay today, but at the practice, I realized I felt horribly angry at the end. I think I had a good time, it was a bit weird and performative to be a super social person and try to make the club look like a very fun, inclusive place (which it is to be fair). As the first day ended, I realized how alone I felt.

I saw several friends I am supposed to be relatively close with, but I felt alone. I had to reach out in our group chat to ask if they were going to hit earlier, and they told me last second that they were. Once I got there, they were all there together along with another friend who isn’t even part of that group chat. I’m going to CBT this in a second, but that just ran its sharp fingernails through the scars of childhood exclusion. On top of it, near the end of practice, I heard that same person telling another friend how they were going to get breakfast on Wednesday. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with that – but I’ve been doing my best to reach out and be proactive with this friend to make plans and stuff, and I just constantly get the feeling they aren’t putting in any effort to be friends. Honestly at what point do I give up?

I’m pretty sick of this stupid fucking scar, where I always have to fight to convince myself that people are my friends. I feel like I’m losing today, as I want to just stop interacting with all of these people. It’s an incredibly addicting feeling, telling myself that these friends are toxic or it’s a bad relationship and that I will find new friends to replace them. I think this is a wrong thought, but fuck is it an enticing one. Because then I have the hope that the problem is with these people, and not some big issue I face overall.

Honestly, at this point, I might as well just start the CBT.

Situation: Friends said we were hitting before practice after I asked. There was another friend not in the group chat there. Additionally, that same friend who I’ve tried hanging out with who has been busy is hanging out with another person on Wed.

Thoughts: If I didn’t ask them, they wouldn’t have told me. They told her, however. I am just chasing after them, but they don’t actually give a shit about me. We are not fucking friends. Also, with the other person I’ve tried making plans with them and they’ve just taken several days to respond to my messages, and haven’t made any effort to make time or do anything. I’m done trying to put in all this effort. Rot.

Feelings: I feel angry, and I feel good writing this. I feel good the same way self-immolation on a cold day feels at the start. This will set off a downward spiral that will destroy me, but fuck FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK it feels good in the sickest way. I want this drastic change. I want it all to burn down. I want it done over gone done over gone.

Behavior: I cut them off. who knows maybe I fuck around and eventually cut myself (:

Thoughts: Cringe L9 behavior aside, all of this can be logically deconstructed.

• They mentioned beforehand without making any concrete plans how they were going to hit beforehand, they could have assumed I knew
• They also could have not planned anything out until I sent the text
• One friend in the group is close with the non-group chat person, and they could have just texted her

All of this revolves around the information that they knew I was coming and didn’t feel a need to explicitly invite me.

About the other friend

• She could have been less busy now
• Maybe the other friend reached out to her and went through all that hassle of planning something with her

Honestly, as fucked as it is I think I’m realizing that this person is just not someone who wants to be more of friends. Unless they show me something otherwise, I’m going to stop trying and just match their current energy.

Feelings: I honestly feel pretty bad in this case. I find it funny the healthy thought makes me feel way worse but in a way not doing heroin would be both good and miserable. Not indulging in the idea of them being bad friends keeps my relationships afloat, but also makes me face reality without having a facade of an ideal friendship to disillusion myself with. I feel like I’m doing the right thing, however.

Behavior: I don’t burn down these bridges, and I face reality. I try out some new things and potentially figure out I’ve been navigating this wrong this whole time, all without causing a horrible downward spiral.

---

This does feel incredibly hard, so I’m going to write this down for therapy. I also lost, and texted the closest friend there “Hey, can I ask if you guys had plans to hit before practice before I asked?”. I can’t shake this thought. This is going to be rough to get through, guess I got what I wanted, huh? I remember thinking about how upset I was that I didn’t feel like I had any concrete problems I was facing mentally so I had nothing to change or work on. Oopsie, my bad god. Stay strong, love you Rengar <3

Hey me, it’s been a bit. Classes start tomorrow so I should try to keep this relatively short – but I wanted to journal a bit to keep up with this routine. Recently on advice from pi.ai, I started doing RAIN for mindfulness, and to stop ruminating on issues.

RAIN is the following:

1. Recognize the negative feeling

2. Accept the feeling

3. Investigate the feeling

4. Nurture as you would a friend

It seems pointless, but the effects are incredible for how it lets me stop ruminating and overthinking things. My problem however is now I’ve realized with this I can drop thoughts and let go of them without beating them into the ground, which is a good thing for my mood and mental health, but also prohibits me from learning or analyzing them.

I attribute a good amount of my emotional intelligence to the amount of overthinking I’ve done, along with the many hours upon hours of processing said thoughts. I think this has its benefits, but it also has been incredibly detrimental to my life. I personally see this problem as an explore vs. exploit – as there is probably some point where it no longer becomes worth it and is better to just enjoy life as is with the knowledge you’ve struggled for so far. I wonder if this is the case for me and if I should start just being in the moment and not overthinking everything to the point of incapacitating myself.

There has to be some balance, but god knows I’m too naive to figure out even a guess.

---

Situation: My friend’s mom who was willing to mentor me said after talking to their therapist that they cannot be a surrogate mother for me.

Thoughts: I have overstepped my boundaries, and given them the impression and burden that they need to do that for me. I’ve messed up horribly badly because they’ve set a boundary.

Feelings: I feel nauseous, and I feel like I’ve ruined this relationship. I feel like I am a horrible person.

Behavior: I avoid this relationship, along with potentially future ones along the sort. I also damage the friendship I have with my friend.

Now a bit less doomer

Thoughts: Her setting and clarifying a boundary is a healthy thing. On top of this, I realized I don’t exactly see this person as someone who has things figured out or is in a good place to give advice I would need. There’s nothing at all wrong with that, but this means I don’t necessarily have much I want to ask them that would be directly important to me. I wasn’t really planning on this relationship going any further, and so with her giving this feedback this is fine for me.

Feelings: Feels a bit awkward since this is new territory for me, but I ultimately feel ok since nothing is wrong.

Behavior: I feel fine, and I adapt my relationship with this person accordingly. I also don’t feel an immense sense of guilt, and don’t sabotage my relationships with anyone as a result.

Life is hard, but it’s also the sweetest fruit. I guess it’s the only fruit if you try to compare it. Enjoy it langwaldeakx4 ♥

I couldn't have stopped it

drinking a beer in a hammock in the sun realizing maybe i don't have to hit myself with hammers every day forever just some or most days

- lakevida on Tumblr

A good friend has this post pinned on his Tumblr, and I’ve always read the post but never really felt that it resonated in the way it does now. I was driving back from getting food after the gym today and felt sad for no reason. Sometimes this happens, for fully normal chemical reasons.

In my freshman year, I watched a video explaining the smoke detector theory of depression, where essentially the brain doesn’t think you’re able to handle some issue, so it hides it from you. Because of this, I’ve always been incredibly self-critical in trying to find out the possible things my mind is hiding from me. This has led to a lot of things I’ve learned through life, and a lot of self-awareness; but this has also led to me essentially hitting myself with a hammer every single day I don’t feel happy 24/7. Honestly, I don’t think this is a good way to live.

Maybe I don’t have to hit myself with the hammer every day?

A friend told me “I keep forgetting that you’re literally the most emotionally intelligent person I’ve ever met”, and as I sit here reflecting about the day and life, it stuck out to me. To me, this was an incredibly kind thing to say; but I also don’t exactly know why I feel happy about it. I sat down to journal tonight about why I am the way I am, and more or less just ramble about it, but I somewhat am now curious about why I felt good hearing that.

I guess it may just feel good the way any compliment feels nice, but I guess for me this is a value I pride myself on, but I also don’t necessarily hear this from other people often. Even typing that out, I immediately contradicted myself mentally, as my therapist, people I talk to, parents, and friends always mention to me how mature and emotionally healthy I am. Those to me don’t ever sit right however in a weird way – I can never let that compliment sink in. At least not in the way this one did.

When I was going to grab the exact message to paste here, I was thinking “I wish they said emotionally intelligent rather than emotionally mature”, even though those two feel synonymous. It then turned out she did say intelligent, and maybe that’s why this feels different to me. This may be grasping at straws, but I was thinking about how “emotionally mature” to me feels like they are saying I am mentally healthy. In some ways I definitely am, but also I struggle so often with things I consider myself very mentally unwell; if you want proof just look at this blog, (I don’t think mentally well people write every single day about something or other they are struggling with).

But that being said, I am pretty confident I have a very good sense of awareness, and I am pretty well-read on a lot of common struggles and mental problems. I would watch videos on psychology a lot as a coping mechanism growing up, and I also was incredibly proactive in therapy, which contributed to the stuff I feel I understand fairly well.

So to me, when he said “emotional intelligence”, it felt as if it was acknowledging the stuff I know, and the things I work towards – but also didn’t come with the assumption that I was mentally well or healthy. I felt very seen by him, as he recognized the work I had done, all without undermining how much I was struggling. I can’t thank him enough, not just for this.

---

Situation: I started to feel anhedonia again, and felt no joy.

Thoughts: Something has to be wrong, I need to figure it out before I get depressed.

Feelings: I feel panicked, afraid, and terrified of depression. I feel frantic to try to find something to fix or to point blame towards.

Behavior: I overanalyze innocent interactions and overthink them to try to frame them in a negative way, all so I could potentially fix them. I live under high stress and become depressed.

Now thanks to AI,

Thoughts: This is a feeling. It will pass. Nothing has to be wrong, there are plenty of innocent explanations ranging from time of day, brain chemistry, or just being bored. Ultimately though, it will pass.

Feelings: I feel calmer, and I feel like it is going to be ok. I think everything will be okay in the end, and I will not spiral.

Behavior: I don’t ruminate or overthink things, and I just settle down and have a calm night. I do some self-care, journal, do my affirmations, make some tea, and watch youtube with my dog. I will be ok.

I love you anhedonic. ♥

I killed a plant once because I gave

it too much water. Lord, I worry

that love is violence.

-José Olivarez

---

I'm writing this with the intention of not sending this to you, so I can be honest.

It makes me sad to see you hurt and suffer alone. I want to be here for you, but you don't want that and I have no choice but to respect that.

I noticed in a private place you put your pronouns as she/him, and I thought I could indulge that part of you – but I feel like you would feel uncomfortable; I don't understand it as I wish there was some way for me to show you my perspective on it, but ultimately it's your wishes I want to respect.

I wish you'd come to me when you're struggling, so I could be there for you the way you've been for me. I'm at a crossroads because I can't try to force you to open up obviously, but I wish I could repay the kindness you've given to me time after time.

I thought of the poem, because I feel like any way I try to help you would just hurt you. I know it's not my battle to fight, but I wish I could somehow help. It feels unfair for you to help me so much and for me to just watch you struggle.

I guess the most I can do is tell you I'll be here for you in any way I can. I care about you big dog, I want the best for you.