I think I've decided for myself that after a certain margin I expect friends to initiate activities or hanging out to some extent. I found myself walking home with them and they mentioned how they went climbing again. I originally had been waiting for them to initiate and figure out when we could go climbing, and they never did. Or anything else for that matter outside of a class group setting. I even saw them one day climbing with some friends, and they even mentioned how one of our friends was also free that day. There's a big chance that friend instigated to them, but I can't give this much consistent benefit of the doubt. I find this ship sailing more and more. But also I'm finding this as a nice experience of understanding what I expect from friends, and having self worth to know what not to tolerate.
I recently started my DBT workbook, which I’ve been putting off for a while, and it nearly immediately hit a chord. I think I’m figuring out what is sustainable and what isn’t. I guess I have to accept that certain bids for attention are going to fall on deaf ears and that they are willing to do certain things but not satisfy certain criteria I would want in what I’d consider a close friend. And there’s nothing wrong with that. I have several people I consider close friends, and I am confident I can find more if necessary. But as it is, they currently aren’t there. If things change, things change. But for now, I think I should go under this assumption. This works!
I hit 225x3 paused today, and I was so happy. Or I guess I think I was, I'm not fully sure. One of the first things I did was text the group chat. I thought about why I want people to be excited with me for achievements, and I think it's probably because of all the achievements that were brushed aside growing up, and I guess still. I think about the ICPC and how no friends were excited for me and how my dad just said “good.” in a text.
When I graduated highschool my dad had a business trip, and he asked me if I wanted him to cancel it. I said several times to not, and I didn't care. I did. I guess I just wanted to hurt and show myself that no one cares. It's a stupid pattern I find myself doing over and over again. I don't really know a way out.
The only real goal I've ever set for myself is ending soon – some day in March is the deadline. I'm afraid no one else will care, and I want it meaning a lot to me to be the only part that matters, but I really wish I had people who were invested in me enough to be happy and excited on my behalf. I told myself I wouldn't consider suicide until I hit 1k, and to my credit I haven't. I don't plan on it either. Just thought it was something relevant in a way.
I asked someone this question recently, and they answered themselves. Because of that I decided to give up on them in a way.
I asked because we're lab partners for a class now, and it's a class they're very scared of. There's a lot of things in life where you can either be afraid and do it anyway, or you can avoid forever. I think this is one of those things, and inherently I want to help push this friend to see how they're capable of these things. But I've definitely realized you can lead a horse to the water but can't make it drink. I've done a lot for this person's sake, and they haven't capitalized on it. When I asked them the question, to me it was because I can keep trying to push them, and they might hate me for causing them stress. But also I think in a month or two if I don't push them they're going to spiral pretty bad because their insecurities are coming true. And even worse, in a few years they're going to struggle very hard in life, and I don't think they'll realize why. I don't want this stuff to happen to anyone, let alone a friend. But they don't want this right now. I don't think they have the foresight to recognize the danger they're putting themselves in. It's only going to get harder every time they reinforce this behavior. I'd help them if they wanted the help, but they don't.
I decided I'll let my future self suffer a little bit as I'll have to spend a lot more time on the class, but I can handle that. I just feel pity for what's going to happen to them. I tried.
In 7th grade my girlfriend told me that she was sexually assaulted by her close friend. I remember listening to her, and trying to comfort her. I did everything I could to make her more comfortable.
I used to also think of myself as an emotional punching bag, where I planned to just help as many people as I could and eventually just kill myself so the emotional burden goes with me. Obviously that was wrong, and parts of that have changed – but other parts haven't.
I find everything that hurts me is a byproduct of love. And I think that's an amazing thing. I'm glad I'm someone who loves freely. I think about that woman's last words “God, it was so fun. It was just so much fun.” One day this will all be over. And not just in death. One day in the future my lungs may not work the same, or I may be injured. And I won't be able to scream in the car like I do now. I don't want to miss it, I don't even necessarily want to enjoy it more. I just want to be glad I had all these experiences.
I think being unnecessarily nice is the key to life in a way. I'm almost crying thinking about the most mundane acts of strangers kindness. I will never forget the random man online who got some taxes back, and offered to buy me fraise on transformice. I never had met him before. I did nothing to deserve it. I'm crying in my car writing this right now. He expected really nothing. I don't think he had a good job, or a conventionally good life. But I think of that nameless person as a hero for me. I sat there staring at my screen as a kid thinking about how that was the only person who gave me a gift like that. That was unconditional love. He didn't even ask to friend me, he did it and was ready to leave. That's just love. I don't know if I can ever explain how much that person changed me. Something about a complete stranger doing something completely selfless. It's just love. It's love. It's love. It's all love. That $10 somehow made me feel like for every night I had sat alone crying, that there were people all around me who cared. I just never had met them. I don't think I've ever been alone since that moment, because I subconsciously knew people care no matter what.
I don't think anything could hurt without love being there first. Even in a vacuum, that pain is a beautiful thing. Seeing and remembering all of that pain isolated, and still being willing to do it again. That's a beauty more than the cosmos to me.
SB hacks ended, we lost by 0.03 of a std. We got unlucky with the judges we got. I just slept for the first time in a while. My heads pretty quiet, so the things I think aren't loud, but they're heard very clear.
I gave two chances again. Both were failed. I'm sad. More at myself for constantly putting effort and giving chances. How do I always find myself putting in more. I know what I want and what I expect but I can't advocate for it.
The more things I see the less I know. I don't even know what question I'd ask God.
I had a bad first half of my day today, and weirdly enough everything that happened was no reason to be sad. I hit 215x3 paused, which is way more than before and still felt upset because I thought I could do 4. I also saw a friend and felt some concerns rear their ugly head back. I also was weak on every single exercise. All of these problems are fully logical and nothing to be upset about.
I coped by doing calf raises, specifically 60,000lbs of them. I finally did 400x20! I also ran .7 mi, and I didn't have any pain this time.
When I had physical therapy they suggested to do calf raises, and I started at like 130. Near the middle of summer I hit 310 and was so happy I ran over to said friend to tell them. Today I only told Lilac. It's a shame, I even sent the proud message to other friends but deleted it soon after. I started off way behind and now I'm ahead, but to me I'm the same. Before I could share achievements and friends would be proud of me, but now I'm worried they think I'm showing off or bragging. It's no fair.
I wish someone would get hyped for me. I hope I can hit 1k within a year. That would be one of the biggest achievements of my life I think. I wonder if S would help me bake a pie if I can do it. I'm so grateful for them being supportive of me, but I'm afraid to say things I'm proud of for fear of them thinking I'm bragging. God I think I'm just being stupid. I cannot wait till they hit a plate.
I had an acquaintance see me at the gym and say that I inspire him to stick to the gym, and also how his gym friend gifted him a skin to make him go. He said he knew telling me I inspire him would motivate me more.
I weirdly hated hearing it. With this person I've given them so many opportunities and resources and they've consistently given up and chosen the easy way out. I realized how much I hate seeing people who dont do what they need to do. I guess the counterpoint is I love when I see people who want something bad enough. I guess I want that more in me also.
I sometimes feel like I yap on this blog just to hide the posts I have whenever I struggle with something or write things actually vulnerable. I feel pretty worried about all the random people I know in real life who may stumble across this. I don’t think that any random person I meet should care enough to consistently look at this – but I still do have the fear that some of the people I interact with a good amount on Discord with look at this. Oh well, I think I’ve only gotten good responses or neutral responses regarding this. I originally really expected a lot more harassment or jokes, but I am uncomfortably surprised that they never came. Oh well. I’m pretty tired from working for a while so I’m going to go to sleep. Goodnight me!
If I cried my dad would hit me until I stopped, while yelling at me to stop crying. My mom would watch in approval. I still can't cry around anyone. When I come close to crying I shut down. Even when I'm alone. If I come close to crying around someone, I turn into the kid being hit and it all goes quiet.