An Open Letter

Svb nv, gsrh rh z gsrmt R svziw lm gsv sfyvinzm ozy. R'n hrggrmt sviv gl gbkv uli hlnv hvg lu grnv, zmw qfhg iznyov zylfg hlnvgsrmt R'n hgifttormt drgs.

Vhnv szh nzwv nv uvvo kivggb hzw ivxvmgob. R wlm'g gsrmp rg'h mvxvhhzirob yvxzfhv lu svi, yfg R gsrmp rg'h yvxzfhv lu svi zxgrlmh. Hsv glow nv z dsrov ztl gszg hsv dzmgvw gl mlg yv zh xolhv zh R dzmgvw dsrov hsv'h levi rm Hxlgozmw, zmw dsvm hsv xlnvh yzxp gszg gsrmth dlfow yv wruuvivmg. R wlm'g orpv gszg. R gsrmp rg'h rmxivwryob hgizmtv gl szev gl mlg yv xolhv gl hlnvlmv zmw gsvm R tfvhh xszmtv yzxp gl yvrmt xolhv zugvi hlnv grnv. R wlm'g orpv gszg. R uvvo orpv R dzmg gl qfhg olev gsv kvlkov R olev, zmw mlg szev gl zigrurxrzoob hglk gszg. Yfg gszg'h dszg R wrw. R wlm'g ivzoob olev svi irtsg mld. R fhvw gl olev svi zh z uirvmw, yfg hlnvgsrmt xszmtvw. R wlm'g pmld dszg. R nrhh rg. Hsv'h xlnrmt yzxp rm z yrg, yfg R wlm'g uvvo zmbgsrmt zylfg svi zmbnliv. R wlm'g vevm uvvo vcxrgvw uli svi gl yv yzxp. Wl blf pmld sld sliiryov gszg nzpvh nv uvvo? R fhvw gl gsrmp lu svi zh nb yvhg uirvmw, zmw mld hsv'h qfhg hlnvlmv R wlm'g vevm gsrmp zylfg gszg lugvm. R pmld R fhvw gl zodzbh gsrmp zylfg gsv 5:1 ifov, sld R hslfow szev 5 tllw vckvirvmxvh uli vevib 1 yzw drgs hlnvlmv , zmw R zonlhg uvvo orpv vevib vckvirvmxv drgs svi szh yvvm yzw ivxvmgob. Mlg vevm yvxzfhv hsv'h wlrmt zmbgsrmt dilmt, yfg nliv qfhg yvxzfhv R wlm'g uvvo zmb olev drgs svi zmbnliv. R uvvo orpv R'n szermt gl qfhg ivhklmw gl svi nvhhztvh. R wlm'g dzmg gl hvmw svi hgfuu orpv R fhvw gl. Dszg szkkvmvw? R tfvhh R pmdl dszg szkkvmvw. R mvvwvw svi gl nvzm ovhh gl nv. R prmwz proovws vi rm nb nrmw. R wlm'g pmld sld R fhvw gl xziv zylfg svi hl nfxs. Zg lmv klrmg R gsrmp R vevm szw z xifhs lm svi, vevm gslfts rg dzh qfhg uli orpv 2 wzbh. R ivnvnyvi gsrmprmt sld R qfhg dzmgvw gl nzpv svi oruv yvggvi, zmw R xzivw zylfg svi vevm ru rg dlfowmg' yvmvurg nv. Dszg xszmtvw. R tfvhh R pmld. Gszg uvvoh orpv gszg'h zoo R xzm hzb. R qfhg hrg sviv gbkrmt, zmw R pvvk zhprmt nbhvou dsb R wlm'g uvvo zmbgsrmt zylfg svi zmbnliv. Yfg R pmld dsb. R tfvhh R gsrmp R wl. Rg qfhg wlvhm'g uvvo ivzo. Sld xzm hlnvlmv tl uiln hlnvlmv R xzivw zylfg hl nfxs gl mlgsrmt. Zmw sld xlfow gsrh szev yvvm hlnvgsrmt hsv dzmgvw. R gsrmp zylfg gszg hl nfxs. Dvoo nzbyv R wlm'g, R wlm'g vevm pmld dszg R gsrmp zmbnliv. Gsrh uvvoh orpv z dvriw hvg lu obirxh, yfg kilyzyob qfhg yvxzfhv R'n orhgvmrmt gl Pzmbv. R tfvhh nv dirgrmt gszg wldm rh killu gszg R wlm'g gsrmp gszg zmblmv droo hvv gsrh. Ovg nv ulxfh yzxp ztzrm, gl ivzoob pvvk gl gsv hkrirg lu dszg gsrh rh.

R uvvo ivhvmgnvmg gldziwh svi R gsrmp. R gzopvw rm gsvizkb zylfg gsrh, yfg rg uvvoh orpv hsv qfhg wlvhm'g gvoo nv zmbgsrmt kzhg z hfiuzxv ovevo. Dsb dlfow R gvoo svi lgsvi gsrmth ru hsv xlmhrhgvmgob qfhg gvooh nv “ls ollp, R'n tlrmt lm z gizrm!” “Ls ollp, R'n hkvmwrmt grnv drgs gsvhv uirvmwh!”. Dszg szkkvmvw gl gvoormt nv blf dviv zuizrw lu olev, zmw hgfuu orpv gszg. R wlm'g dzmg gl uvvo zolmv zh hlnvlmv dslh zuizrw lu gsv dliow zmw hlnvdszg fmhfiv lu sld vevibgsrmt droo dlip. R'n zuirzw lu olhrmt gsrh gvcg. R zohl zn zuizrw lu olhrmt gsrh uirvmw. Yfg zg gsv hznv grnv R wlm'g vevm pmld ru R'w xlmhrwvi rg dszg R gslftsg rg dzh. R qfhg drhs hsv dlfow gvoo nv nliv hvirlfh gsrmth. Dsb xzm'g hsv qfhg yv ivzo drgs nv. R pmld gszg hsv'h kilyzyob qfhg zuizrw lu gsrmprmt lu gsvhv gsrmth svihvou, yfg xnlm. R wlm'g tvg rg. Qfhg lkvm fk. Ovg nv hvv dszg'h gsviv zmw blf xzm hvv dszgh sviv. Oruv rh hl gviirubrmt, zmw R wlm'g gsrmp rg'h hlnvgsrmt nvzmg gl tl gsilfts zolmv. R dzmg gl orev xlmmvxgvw gl gsv kvlkov zilfmw nv. R hzd z grpglp klhg hzbrmt “R gsrmp dv'iv lmv hglib zdzb uiln olev”, li hlnvgsrmt orpv gszg. Gsv hvmgrnvmg dzh sld nfxs xlfow xszmtv uiln qfhg lmv hglib. Xzm R ivzoob wrhorpv hlnvlmv ru R svzi gszg gsvb'ev yvvm sfig yvuliv? Gszg gl nv rh z qfhgrurxzgrlm lu vevib yzw gsrmt gsvb'ev wlmv. R qfhg dzmg gl pmld dv ivzoob zivm'g gszg wruuvivmg. R gsrmp blf pmld gszg, R glow blf hl nfxs hsrg zylfg nv. Yfg blf wlm'g ivzoob hzb rg yzxp. R drhs blf wrw. Li nzbyv R qfhg drhs hlnvlmv wrw gszg gl nv. Nzbyv blf'iv rm gsv irtsg sviv. R urmw rg zonlhg klvgrx gszg pzmbv qfhg hzrw “Ifm zdzb zh uzhg zh blf xzm.” Rg zonlhg uvvoh ivzo. Nzbyv R'n gsv lmv rm gsv dilmt. Nzbyv dv hslfowm'g yv uirvmwh. R szgv gl hzb gszg. R'n hl zuizrw lu gszg. Yfg R zohl wlm'g pmld ru R'n hlnvlmv tllw uli blf. R uvvo orpv gsviv ziv hl nzmb orggov gsrmth gszg R wrhorpv zylfg blf, zmw R szev zonlhg trevm fk zhprmt blf gl xszmtv lm. Nzbyv dv'iv qfhg wruuvivmg kvlkov. Yfg R gsrmp veviblmvh wruuvivmg, zmw dv fhvw gl tvg zolmt hl dvoo. R'n zuizrw yvxzfhv R gsrmp R nvzm hl orggov gl blf. Nzbyv gszg'h dszg rg rh. R wlm'g dzmg gl nvzm mlgsrmt gl blf. R dzmg blf gl xziv zylfg nv.

Xzm blf hvv dsb R'n zuizrw lu gszg. Li nzbyv blf wlm'g. Nzbyv R xzm'g xlmevb gsrh uvvormt gl blf dvoo vmlfts. Yfg R qfhg wlm'g dzmg gl uvvo orpv blf nzggvi gl nv zmw R wlm'g nzggvi gl blf yzxp. Gszg'h dszg R'n hl zuizrw lu R gsrmp. R qfhg dzmg gl pmld gszg blf dzmg gl yv zilfmw nv. R drhs blf gifhg nv, zmw gszg gsviv dzh hlnv dvrtsg. Nzbyv ru blf glow nv nliv rmgrnzgv gsrmth gsvm R dlfowm'g uvvo orpv blf dlfow ifm zdzb uiln nv. Szsz. Ifmzdzb. Qfhg orpv gsv hlmt. Tlw gsrh droo ollp hl dvriw rm zgyzhs xrksvi, yfg R gsrmp R dzmg gl yv zyov gl ollp zg gsrh ztzrm hlnv grnv rm gsv ufgfiv. Dsb xzm'g rg qfhg hgzb gsviv. R wlm'g vevm pmld dszg gszg nvzmh. R tfvhh gsrh dliph.

R ivzoob qfhg dzmg gl pmld gszg blf ezofv nv. R uvvo orpv vevibgsrmt ylroh wldm gl gszg, yfg R zodzbh xlfow yv dilmt. Dsvm R tvg nzw zg blf, R gsrmp rg'h yvxzfhv lu gsv uvzi gszg blf'oo ovzev nv. Zmw wlm'g tvg nv dilmt, blf ufoob xzm ovzev nv. Gszg'h hlnvgsrmt gszg'h drgsrm blfi irtsgh, ru blf wvxrwv gszg blf wlm'g dzmg gl yv uirvmwh blf xzm zodzbh ovzev. Blf szev ml lyortzgrlm gl nv. Zmw zohl orpvdrhv, R'ev gslftsg zylfg rg z uvd grnvh, R xzm'g orv. R xzm hvv nbhvou mlg yvrmt uirvmwh drgs blf. Yfg R wvxrwv ztzrmhg rg R gsrmp.

Yfg R hgroo uvvo zuizrw lu nv mlg dzmgrmt gl olhv blf zmw blf mlg uvvormt gsv hznv. Dsvm blf kfoovw zdzb, gszg nzwv nv ivzorav gszg blf xlfow ovzev. Wl blf pmld sld gviirubrmt gszg rh? Gl olev hlnvlmv zmw szev gsvn yzhrxzoob HSLD blf, mlg qfhg gvoo blf: Svb, R'n droormt gl ovzev blf. R xzm hvv rg szkkvmrmt. Nzbyv ru R nzwv z hortsgob wruuvivmg wvxrhrlm blf dlfow szev ovug. Gszg'h sliirubrmt gl nv. R wlm'g pmld ru R xzm gifhg blf. R uvvo orpv zg zmb klrmg blf xlfow ovzev nv, zmw yvxzfhv lu gszg R'n zuizrw lu ivzxsrmt lfg gl blf. R'n prmwz zuizrw lu yvrmt xolhv gl blf li ivobrmt lm blf zh z uirvmw uli zmbgsrmt, yvxzfhv “lmv wzb blf nrtsg qfhg fk zmw ovzev”. Szsz, zmlgsvi wrermv rmgvievmgrlm lu kviuvxg grnrmt drgs gsv obirxh. R'n zuizrw lu gszg, zmw R wlm'g pmld sld gl tl ulidziw uiln gszg. R hslfow wl gsrh yvuliv gsvizkb, gsrh wlvh dlip kivggb wznm dvoo. R uvvo zuizrw gl ivkvzg gsv hznv gslftsgh levi zmw levi ztzrm, zmw hl hlnvgsrmt mvd xlnvh lfg. Gszmph yizrm, R wlm'g gsrmp R hzb gszg gl blf vmlfts.

R qfhg wlm'g dzmg gl yv zolmv, zmw R'n zuizrw yvxzfhv dsvm R nvhhztv blf R hgroo uvvo zolmv hlnvgrnvh.

Kanye is a obviously problematic person. He's incredibly ignorant, vain, rude, insensitive along with a plethora of other negative adjectives. I sometimes wonder why so many people stan him. I was listening to runaway for the first time in a while today, and almost had to stop driving because I found myself about to cry. I think I kinda get it.

I wanted to actually go through and point out some concrete things in the song, but right now I'm on my phone so I wanted to just jot down this sentiment: in the song Kanye puts himself fully up for display, with a virtually unprecedented level of candor. He reveals things he doesn't need to, showing all of his worst parts. He shows the most vulnerable parts of his psyche, and laments the person he is. He puts himself fully on display, flaws and all.

I think growing up male things like insecurities and vulnerability are heavily discouraged. I think seeing someone struggle with things like love, material wealth, social acceptance and other things is something incredibly cathartic, and I can see why people love Kanye. Oh well guess I'm rambling.

I’m him for another quarter, clutched up on the project and I think I failed my final.

I am currently losing my mind in the best way possible, my friends and I have not won a SINGULAR GAME between like 3 fully different games. And I love spending time with them. I love every minute of this. I’m so grateful to have my friends. I love spending time with them.

Situation: Finals are over

Thoughts: I’m going to be isolated for a bit

Feelings: I’m worried how it’s going to go

Behavior: I stress

Thoughts: I am going to be able to spend a ton of time with online friends, and finally have free time to do new projects and learn things

Feelings: I’m excited

Behavior: I’m grateful to be alive.

I think I summed it up pretty well with that. I’m hoping now that I don’t have to stay up super late and then crank this out when I’m about to pass out I get better use from this, but we’ll see. Love you anyways forever and always ♥

I just now finished a several-month project, essentially within the span of 5 days. This project was meant for two people, and I also have the grad student version of it – but I did it all myself. I am TIRED, and EXHAUSTED, but also incredibly happy with my final app. I also learned a lot, and genuinely enjoyed creating it! Not to nerd out, but good object-oriented programming goes INSANE. I could add more workout plans to my app in like 10 minutes, and EVERY OTHER PART OF MY CODE WOULD INSTANTLY INTEGRATE IT.

I’m so glad I enjoy what I do.

Situation: Someone uploaded part of a video I made for fun (that’s embarrassing) onto their Instagram in a powerlifting video.

Thoughts: I already wanted to private/hide that video, and it’s tucked away. I didn’t even know that they saw this, and I don’t even know this person. Now a ton of people have probably seen it, and it’s also something I’m fairly insecure about because I for some reason thought “Hey, no one’s gonna see this, I don’t have to make any kinda facial expressions”. So I JUST STARE AT THE CAMERA LIKE A PSYCHOPATH, BASICALLY FROWNING. THE ENTIRE TIME. WHILE DANCING.

Feelings: I want to crawl into a hole and die. I will never interact with any of these people again.

Behavior: I isolate myself from this group of people as much as I can, and maybe even ask him to take it down.

Thoughts: Lmao who cares. No one is clowning me for it, and even if they do worst comes to worse I can throw hands pretty well. This isn’t middle school, it does not affect my life if someone makes fun of me for it. I can just get my masters degree and spend time with people who don’t clown me for it lol.

Feelings: It really ain’t that deep lol, and on top of it people don’t seem to find it that cringy. I think it is, but also it really doesn’t matter. It was fun, and I’m glad I made something that I can at least remember.

Behavior: I big chill. 8)

Good fucking yard today Anshuman, you’ve gone crazy this last week. Your new DBT book came, so let’s see how that goes soon enough! Love you man ♥

My brain is turning into puddles of mush, the only things I’ve done today were work out for 3 hours and then study/work on projects since then. I ate one meal. I’m going to go have a pop tart.

Situation: Girls not texting back

Thoughts: They are not interested in me

Feelings: :(

Behavior: I protect myself from them by mentally devaluing them

Thoughts: They’re also just busy with finals lol

Feelings: Lol same

Behavior: I’ll just reach back out to them after finals

God this is so low effort, hopefully I start doing this earlier. Goodnight, and love you Icarus ♥

After I made my hinge this time, I barely got any matches at first. I was pretty discouraged, but then I remembered after going on a date or two how content I am being single. After that, I’ll occasionally open the app and write silly little responses to the prompts people have and screenshot them for me to laugh at later.

I’ve gotten 3 more matches in a few days, and I’ve been absolutely deranged. It’s been really fun, but also I’ve been reminding myself that there is no such thing as “fumbling” it as I am completely fine without anyone. It’s been fun!

Situation: Finals week is here

Thoughts: This stress is going to be here forever

Feelings: Overwhelmed

Behavior: I shut down, and neglect other tasks or responsibilities like emails or texts

Thoughts: This is going to be like this for like 5 more days, that’s it

Feelings: Bit stressed, but also fine since it’s temporary.

Behavior: I keep anxiety under control, and keep doing the things I need to do.

Almost there! I wonder what I’m going to do with my free time after these are over. Love you! ♥

I find myself weirdly having to somewhat force myself to hang out with people. I think almost every time I enjoy it and don’t regret it at all, and I know that going into it. But I think social anxiety is just a powerful force that tries to keep me down.

I’d like to journal earlier, maybe I’ll start doing this sometime midday instead of leaving it for night, where I put it off even more because I’m spending time with friends. Oh well, I had a blast tonight. I meowed in the microphone really well and I was proud of that lol

Situation: Two cute girls matched with me on hinge, and don’t know what it could lead to.

Thoughts: If I don’t do this perfectly, I will fumble it and stay single.

Feelings: Stress, pressure, and that I have to behave differently.

Behavior: I act a different way, and probably ruin it since my unstressed authentic personality is pretty good and well received usually.

Thoughts: Who cares lmao, I’m more than happy being single so I have nothing to lose.

Feeling: Feel like a big chiller

Behavior: I am relaxed, I don’t have any self worth tied to it, and I say things I find funny and overall stay happier.

Love you Suman ♥ I hope you know even if I don’t mean it every time I say it, it’s true.

I spent the last 8 hours coding nonstop. I took a 1-hour break at 9 pm to do today’s AoC (more coding), then returned to my final project. I love working. I made a lot of great progress on my final project, and I’m feeling optimistic about it! I was able to get some difficult stuff done that I was struggling with, albeit having to make some concessions.

I’m a bit sad also because I’ve gotten rejected from almost half the internships I’ve applied to, even though my resume is arguably the strongest it’s ever been. Oh well, everything will work itself out in the end. Right?

Situation: I offer to do nice things for people, and they take me up on that offer.

Thoughts: They must be using me, and they don’t like me as a person.

Feelings: I feel sad, and taken advantage of.

Behavior: I try to cut them off as people, as I think they are using me.

Thoughts: They are taking me up on something I offer, and I go out of my way to offer.

Feelings: This is what I should expect while doing nice things for people – I don’t need something in return for that.

Behavior: I do a nice thing, and I act less obligated to other good things due to that, which overall makes it better.

I should go get some sleep. Goodnight me, love you! ♥

There’s a clip from Adventure Time, where Jake says “See this cup? This is literally my favorite cup.” He then throws it out of the window and says “Now it’s gone forever. So it’s not real, and I don’t care about it anymore”. I think about that a good amount.

I think a lot of my problems are not real. I always say this, but I don’t actively consider it as much as I probably should: almost all problems are usually miscommunications. Or at least something that stems from that. So many of my problems aren’t real, they are easily solved, or misconceptions that I have. I think I need to get more into the habit of just sitting and existing with them, without it necessarily needing a solution from me immediately. I’m glad I do stuff like CBT to address it, as I think that helps me reframe my thoughts a lot.

My depression has gotten worse again, and both my psychiatrist and therapist pushed me to look for treatment again. I might just go back to SSRIs in the hope that they help, I just don’t want to be on such a high dose again. I’m currently looking at Transcranial magnetic stimulation treatment, and hopefully that works. I’m kinda tired of living like this, to be honest. Not saying that I want to die or anything like that thankfully, but I’m just tired. I’m tired always, and I don’t really have it in me to do anything. I just want to sleep for a few months. Maybe then I’ll be better.

Situation: I might start treatment again

Thoughts: It won’t work, and I just end up having to deal with side effects and lose valuable experiences in life due to them. It’s just like SSRI’s again.

Feelings: Feel hopeless, and like I don’t want to do it or anything else.

Behavior: I sit here and rot

Thoughts: There’s more to gain than there is to lose. Also, TMS is a new thing, and seems very promising. And maybe it does work.

Feelings: I feel tired, but a bit more optimistic. At least enough to try to go through with it.

Behavior: Maybe I get better, at least I try.

I’m going to go to sleep. Hopefully, I wake up and somethings different. My DBT workbook is coming soon, I’m at least looking forward to that. I love you Ansh ♥

I usually have my bike locked right outside my apartment. I again forgot to grab it yesterday, so I left it at the parking structure. I think I could have been upset that I have to walk over to get it, but I also had a thought “I get to enjoy the sun on my walk over”

I wonder if life could be inherently enjoyed, even if the specific circumstances don't change. Maybe it's all just a point of view?