I kinda realized that I never have pushed myself to do something that I wasn’t inherently good at, I’ve never tried to challenge myself. For games, I’ve always pushed for a rank I knew I was 100% able to get without a doubt, but I’ve never pushed myself to a limit; I was thinking about a friend who recently hit diamond 2 in league, and they were someone who was struggling to hit diamond in the first place. I realized that their effort over time got them the rank they rightfully are now at, while I’ve just skated by life, without ever really pushing myself for something I didn’t know I could do. I really should get over this and push myself.
Life is a lot like a mandlebrot zoom, as you go through it you see some other places where you think “wow that would be beautiful, I’d love to see how that point looks later on”, yet you continue with your point. The farther you get the more beauty you see and things you would have never expected. Same goes for life, where its easy to think “I wonder how my life would have been different if I xyz”, but I think its important to remember that the path you are going on right now is equally beautiful and deep.
We didn’t win, we got 9th out of 50 teams. We were the 6th highest school because of our place, and only top 3 go to the north America competition; but god damn do I feel amazing. Even though other people have had training and sort for this, just going into it for fun I managed to get so far (with the help of my team), and I was able to solve the hard questions which put us above the other teams. I feel so empowered even though I lost, and I’m so glad I did it.
I know that it’s wrong to think, and ultimately unhealthy, but watching romance shows or seeing the random thing that reminds me of my original goal makes me yearn for that connection. I’ve spent the last few years focusing on making sure that my life is happy without the promise of a relationship, but I can’t shake the notion that once I find that person, life will be much better.
I know that it’s bad, but I can’t help but day dreaming when times get rough, almost like a drug. It’s incredibly easy to just fall into the soft promise of a warm relationship that will satisfy the niches I struggle to fill with platonic friends. I need to not fall victim to hope for a miraculous cure, and rather make sure I am happy with myself without depending on another person for that.
It never fails to surprise me how once I sit down to write something, my brain clears. I’ve had sparse moments where I realize something I’d like to notarize, yet the second I get a chance to write something here it all vanishes. I don’t know if it is because of my memory, or my dopamine circuit being out of whack, but it leads to some strange feelings.
On one hand I feel sadness looking back at a dead flame of something I was motivated to do, but on the other hand I’m partially grateful for the transience of thoughts. I think life would lose a bit of it’s charm if every moment was perfectly recorded; in having this inherent temporality living in the moment has all that much more meaning.
But a part of me does envy those creators who are able to consistently create something from their thoughts and put it out there for others to see. That persistence is something I admire jealously.
I’m a firm believer that good days can only exist due to bad days. The 20th bite of a food tastes the same, but that first bite tastes all the richer due to the stark contrast to before it. Our highs are defined by the lows. So in that virtue, I wouldn’t be able to feel happy without feeling sad first. In some sense, this is liberating since it gives a reason to these random days of sadness, or these engulfing lows. At least this way with this world view there’s a reason to feel this way.
But on the contrary, doesn’t this imply that suffering is unavoidable, and that there is nothing you can do to alleviate those bad days; for if you do it takes them at the expense of the good ones?
I just came back from a 5 hour programming competition, and my team won first place. We are planning on going to regionals now, and they are over the moon; but I’m just unhappy. I somehow was happier before the competition, and winning it I just feel apathetic. I want to attribute it to the fact my mom didn’t want to take care of hash for the one day since she is working on Friday and Monday now at a library, but regardless I hate this feeling. I wish I felt happy or enjoyed this moment rather than whatever this is.
Since starting the blog, my transitioned new years resolution was to post something every day. Now that that streak is broken, I’d like to fix what I was unhappy about with this. For the last while, I’ve more or less been posting something just for the sake of posting something, which I didn’t want to originally do; I’d like for this to be effectively a journal, and that isn’t something I would just write in just for the sake of another entry.
Going forward, I would still like to post semi-actively, but only when I have something that I’d like to talk about.
