It's a weirdly overwhelming feeling. Like in a subtle creeping way. I just don't think I'm cut out for it sometimes. I know it's late and there's a huge handful of reasons why I shouldn't believe this, but I hear it nonetheless.
I guess in a weirdly poetic way today I was Cain in multiple different ways. I said that book changed my life but there weren't any tight little spirals this time. What have I done.
I sent the text to reneg on my revenge. I think regardless of this biblical punishment that's not the person I want to be, for my own selfish reasons. I'm cursed with the awareness and foresight to understand the consequences of my actions. But because of this what words or actions are actually mine? Everything is a careful decision, when except alone can I be free.
R – 3 breaths
E – I am stewing on potentially spiral worthy thoughts.
S – I don't want to give them up just yet, but I also shouldn't spiral. Let me indulge until tomorrow and then I'll process properly.
Another day of doing work, I got some pretty good progress on the lab, but it sucks that it’s due on Tuesday along with every single other final I have. Oh well, I’ll survive.
R – 3 breaths
E – I’m incredibly tired and worried about these finals, and my 1k goal.
S – To be honest, all of these problems are trivial compared to Hash or Dada being hurt. I’m grateful for these problems, and not those.
I had a final this morning, and I honestly just love this stuff. I love that feeling of knowing the material after having studied it. Today is my busy day, and so after my last class at like 6:30, I’ve been since then working on the final project for CS170. I started this quarter afraid not sure if I could handle all of this stuff, and it only got worse from there. For two huge project classes, I ended up having to do my share + 3 other people’s shares across the classes. And I did it. I’m so proud of myself. You can do so much more than you think you can, good job man.
R – 3 deep breaths
E – I feel a bit conflicted as I’m not too sure how much I’m willing to compromise for a relationship, mostly because I’m happy being single. I am a little bit worried life is going to pass me by, however.
S – I have all the time in the world for now. Don’t sweat it, go and have experiences.
And with today, one grad class is virtually done. I finished the entire project, including all of the presentation slides. My partner didn’t prepare at all for the slides and just read from it – and then said the wrong information several times. As long as I get an A, I honestly don’t care. I also just finished a big assignment that the professor warned me to start early, in about 4 hours.
Let me quickly just get this DBT over with so I can get some more sleep tonight.
R – 3 breaths
E – The problem with N got blown up minorly and they responded by saying they would try to avoid group interactions, even though all of them are moving in next year.
S – Talk tomorrow to smooth things out, and leave it in a healthy spot.
E – I feel bad and excluded with L and S because it feels like they consistently do things without me, and it feels like they don't invite me to do things. Let me try interjecting here with wise mind:
Emotional aspect – It sucks to feel like I've been trying to connect to these people and see them hang out in these ways without me. It also sucks because it feels like anything I have with anyone of them is shared between us all, so I have no equivalent part of something just with me and someone else. It feels like I'm a strict subset of this friendship group and it hurts. I kinda just want to cry thinking about it. Am I supposed to be in this situation and not hurt? I think I'm afraid it's only going to get worse when they move in together. I don't really feel like I'm part of this friend group. It's just 3 people, but it feels like they're friends and I'm friends with S but L doesn't really want to be closer friends with me. I just want to lay here and rot forever. Is it too much to ask to feel like a priority? Like that someone WANTS to be friends with me? More than just convenience or value? I just want to wrap my face and hide from the world. I keep hearing that voice tell me about how this is always the case, and how it will forever be. And that I should just isolate myself from the world. I'm scared.
Logical aspect – I have some things I do privately. I go get Wendy's with Lilah, and I text Sophia fairly frequently. We also work out fairly consistently together on weekends. For example baking, they share that. That's fine. I shouldn't expect to be included in everything, but I should expect to be included in a fair amount of reasonable things. Stop equating those two things. The important word there was reasonable. Don't get upset you aren't being FaceTime, but be upset you aren't being invited to just hang out or study.
S – Honestly, my intention here is to stop being so fucking weak. I'm disgusted by it. How many times are you going to indulge that stupid fucking voice telling you what you KNOW is bad for you. I don't give a shit if it's real or not, it's bad for me. I'm not some superhuman with foresight to see every bad thing that happens to me, I get blind sighted more often than not. Stop being so fucking weak to give into ritual or tradition or comfort or whatever causes you to listen to that stupid voice.
T – grow the fuck up and put your money where your mouth is. No more moping about this one.
I think I’m just not content with things in life right now. I had a fine date, and I didn’t feel happy afterward. I think I may be just unhappy with life somewhat right now. I right now hear my roommate talking with his boyfriend in the livingroom, about the stupidest shit. I wish I could click with people like that. I guess I’m envious.
R – 3 breaths
E – I’m just overall unhappy with several things in life
S – I am just tired and low mood because of a lot of emotion today
T – Get ready for bed, and don’t think about this too much. Don’t give it weight.
S said they couldn’t get angry or mad, and I think I am not the same in that sense. I think I can get mad at a lot of things, just not really at other people. We played Jackbox for N’s birthday, and the final thing we got was a question “Who is most likely to be a murderer in a horror movie”; I ranked myself pretty high. I don’t know these people that well, and they don’t know me conversely but N decisively said that I was not likely to be a murderer. I obviously am not a murderer, and I have shown consistently how I have a strong aversion to hurting people in any sense. But I felt somewhat upset. I was fleshing out why, but then they also commented about how they and another person had “reason to”, and they seemed pretty smug about it. That upset me, as it felt like they were insinuating due to some trauma or something else they had reason to want to hurt people. It almost felt like in that moment they made it a competition, and to justify their problems they discounted everyone else’s experiences. I think about how I would be justified harboring resentment towards several different avenues, but I pride myself on being able to move past and forgive. But I also do want to acknowledge the effort that’s taken, and how it isn’t easy for me to turn the other cheek and accept what’s happened without retribution.
I think the things that convince me that I am frustrated or hurt by the past are things I always display in private. I guess it’s justified for friends to think I’m lighthearted or something of the sort, but in my eyes, I think about a lot of rage and resentment I carry. I have my healthy avenues to release them but at the same time, it pisses me off to feel like N was saying “You haven’t had enough reason to hate people!” I’m proud of myself for not making a scene or voicing any discomfort with it.
R – 3 deep breaths
E – I felt disrespected and talked down to by N and N’s friends. They assumed I am harmless, even though I’ve done martial arts for like 8 years and am currently in several martial arts classes.
S – It doesn’t matter to me. I can use this as an exercise of letting things go.
T – Remind myself to let it go and to hold no ill-will going forward as a practice.